Living Free Training Coordinator Guide

Page 1


COORDINATOR’S GUIDE Training • Leading

Launching

Dan T. Strickland, M. Div. Jimmy R. Lee, D. Min. Greg W. Keylon, M. Div.

ISBN: 978-1-58119-156-1

©Living Free®, 2024. All rights reserved.

All rights are reserved. No part of the material protected by this copyright notice may be reproduced or utilized in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from Living Free®

Produced by

Communications should be addressed to: Living Free®

P.O. Box 22127 Chattanooga, TN 37422-2127

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture is taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. NIV®. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

About the Authors

Dan Strickland served as vice president of Living Free for over 16 years and president for over 10 years. As well as participating in the day-to-day operation of the ministry, he trains churches in the U.S. and internationally to implement Living Free groups. Prior to joining Living Free, he served as adult pastor and counselor in the First Assembly of God Church, Memphis, Tennessee, where Living Free groups involved hundreds of participants in the congregation and community. Dan is a graduate of Central Bible College, and he earned the Master of Divinity degree from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary.

Dr. Jimmy Ray Lee is the founder and president emeritus of Living Free, Inc. He is the author of Understanding the Times and several small group studies published by Living Free.

Dr. Lee is the founder and honorary chairman of Project 714 (now known as National Center for Youth Issues), a chemical prevention/ intervention program for schools. He also founded an inner-city ministry called Ark Ministries that reached 600 to 700 young people weekly. He started the Chattanooga Teen Challenge and served as its president for three years. Jimmy served as Nashville Teen Challenge executive director during its formative years.

In 1983 he was awarded the “Service to Mankind Award” presented by the Highland Sertoma Club in Hixson, Tennessee.

Greg W. Keylon, MDiv. has served with Living Free since 2010 both as vice president of operations and as president. He grew up around the ministry of Teen Challenge and saw life transformation happen on a regular basis. God called him into full-time ministry when he was 16 years old, but he followed his own path through the rest of high school and into college. Greg graduated from Memphis State University with a BBA in Management in 1992. After college, while working for FedEx and enrolled into their management training program, God revisited the call He had placed on his life. Greg immediately applied for Seminary Graduate school and in June of 2000, he graduated with a Master’s of Divinity Degree from the Assemblies of God Theological Seminary.

He then served as the Dean of Students at Teen Challenge International Ministry Institute in Jacksonville, Florida for five years. In December of 2005, God called Greg and his wife, Ann, and their young family to Griffin, Georgia to plant a Teen Challenge residential program for teen boys ages 13-17. After five years as the founder and director of Teen Challenge Prayer Mountain Boys Academy, Greg joined the staff of Living Free in September of 2010 as the Vice President of Operations.

Married since 1993, Greg enjoys spending time with his wife and their two adult boys, Nathan and Caleb, and his extended family. Their activities include fishing, hiking, and the following Atlanta Braves baseball.

Greg loves seeing a life transformed by Christ and he believes anyone can be used by God to lead a Living Free support group bringing hope, faith and freedom into the life of individuals, families, communities and generations to come.

PART ONE - LIVING FREE WORKSHOP

Coordinator Instructions and Pointers

• Video (Either a Flash Drive or MP4 Downloads to your Computer)

• Living Free Workshop

• Segments 1 to 4

• Read More: Living Free Book – Expanded Workshop Content

• Leading & Launching Living Free, A Facilitator Training Guide

• Segments 1-3

• Read More: Tools for Leading Living Free Groups

• A Living Free catalog introducing all of the Living Free curriculum

For help and suggestions on using this training, visit www.livingfree.org. If you have additional questions about this kit, please call us at 1.800.879.4770 or email at info@livingfree.org.

WELCOME

Welcome to the Living Free Training Series! The entire Living Free kit is designed to make it easy for you to coordinate these workshop sessions. This user-friendly Coordinator’s Guide will walk you through all the steps necessary to lead effective training sessions.

Here’s how we’ve organized this guide for you:

• This first section, Just For You, gives helpful background information to you, the coordinator. You’ll find easy-to-follow steps to lead your first training session or to strengthen your skills if you are a veteran coordinator.

• The Ministry Overview on page 11 introduces you to the Living Free program approach, benefits to this approach, and how it would work in your church or setting.

• The Training Summary on pages 13-14 walks you through the training objectives and the Guide, and it gives a brief overview of each of the seven segments.

Throughout the training series you will find additional Coordinator notes highlighted in the text in these text blocks. These are notes and suggestions for you, they are not printed in the Workshop or Facilitator Training Guide.

THE BIBLICAL BASIS FOR LIVING FREE MINISTRY’S SMALL GROUP MODEL

The Living Free small group format is designed to help participants see their need for God, learn to trust His loving guidance, and make practical application of His Word. This is done through an interactive process. The video portion will guide you through the workshop. Please pause the video during times when a personal reflection question is asked or there is large or small group interaction time. The video will prompt you at the pause moments so be ready to pause the video several times throughout the workshop and facilitator training.

Expose as many in your church as possible to this training, you can also help create awareness of lifecontrolling problems among your entire congregation.

There are two main sections for the training series:

Living Free Workshop:

For Everyone wanting to learn how to Live Free and Help Others

Leading & Launching Living Free, A Facilitator Training Guide:

For those who want to learn how to lead groups

There is a “Read More” area after each section which gives the coordinator extra material for teaching the workshop and for the participant to read the expanded content after the training.

Now we’d like to highlight . . .

• Who should attend the training?

• Instructions regarding your role as a Training Coordinator and the steps you need to take to help ensure a successful training.

• The training agenda and training options.

WHO SHOULD ATTEND THE TRAINING?

We encourage you to invite your entire congregation (including teens) to this training. We have designed the Living Free Workshop and Facilitator Training to benefit two types of people: potential or current small group facilitators and those interested in learning more about life-controlling problems. You will find that small group leaders may also surface from the second group.

Among both types of participants, there will be individuals who struggle with life-controlling problems or have loved ones who are struggling.

• The Living Free Workshop is designed to engage both potential facilitators and those interested in helping themselves or someone they love.

• The Leading and Launching Living Free : A Facilitator Training Guide focuses on small group strategies, facilitation, and launching a Living Free ministry. First-time and experienced small group leaders will especially benefit from these segments. But don’t exclude non-facilitators. Excellent communication tips for everyone can be found in these segments—so encourage non-facilitators to continue on in the training sessions beyond the Living Free Workshop. Even if you decide not to incorporate the Living Free ministry model and curriculum in your church, the Living Free training will prepare small group leaders to recognize and help people in their groups who are struggling with personal issues. By exposing as many in your church as possible to this training, you can also help create awareness of life-controlling problems among your entire congregation.

• Ask your pastor or worship leader to give you some time during the worship service to announce the upcoming training. It is best to begin publicizing the training at least four weeks in advance.

• Contact Life Group Leaders and small group leaders to request 5-10 minutes of their class or group time to introduce training to members.

• To announce the training, whether in the service or among a smaller group, you could show the promotional video, perform a skit, and/ or have someone share a personal testimony about how Living Free benefited them.

• Any time you talk about Living Free, you should emphasize that the training is open to interested persons, not just for those who know they want to become small group facilitators. You will also want to highlight that having a Living Free ministry can benefit your whole church—not just a few individuals with life-controlling problems or addictions.

• Include an announcement in your church bulletin or newsletter, and post an invitation or writeup at your church website.

YOUR ROLE AS THE TRAINING COORDINATOR

As the coordinator of the Living Free training, you have an important role in helping equip your church to reach out to people with life-controlling problems. Here are nine easy but essential steps you need to take to successfully coordinate this training:

• Meet with your minister and, if appropriate, other church leaders

Make sure your minister and other key leaders watch Segment 7: Launching a Living Free Ministry (included in this training kit) so they can be on board with you. While Living Free is designed to be a lay-led ministry, you should keep your pastor informed of the steps you are taking to implement the training and ministry in your congregation.

• Schedule a time for the training

This kit is designed in seven 45-minute segments. These seven segments can be separated by a week or more, or done all at once in a weekend retreat.

Perhaps you’ll want to do one segment per week over a period of seven weeks or two or three segments per night, holding training sessions every week for three to four weeks. This kit is designed to be flexible—so schedule the segments in whatever way works best for you.

• Get the word out

Show the preview video included in this kit or call us at 1.800.879.4770 to receive a free copy. This preview video can be very helpful in recruiting participants. You can show it to your whole congregation in a service, or in another group setting. Be creative in how you spread the word, and be sure to explain what Living Free is so people will understand what they are coming to learn about (the content in the Ministry Overview will be helpful to you). A few promotional ideas are listed to the right to get you started.

• Sign up participants

Invite individuals to sign up for the training. You will need to have a count ahead of time to order enough Guides. Plan on ordering your Guides at least two weeks prior to your initial training session, and get some extras. You can use the order form that was enclosed in this kit or contact us at:

Living Free Ministries P.O. Box 22127

Chattanooga, TN 37422

Phone: 1.800.879.4770

Web site: www.livingfree.org

• Pray

Spend time in prayer for the training sessions and the participants. Ask God to guide this ministry in your church so that it can be an effective tool for evangelism and discipleship.

• Prepare

Get yourself ready to coordinate the training by reading through the appropriate segment(s) in your Guide and watch that segment(s). Read the Living Free expanded content section of your Guide for additional background information that can be used during the workshop. Come to the training ready for God to work as you discuss possibilities for how Living Free can help church members understand and deal with the struggles that affect so many individuals and families in your church and community. Some people may even realize for the first time that there is hope for their life issues.

• Pick a location, and set up the room

You’ll need a room that will comfortably fit the number of participants you will be expecting. Before your meeting begins, you will want to make sure you . . .

• Have a media player and screen that is large enough for the entire group to see.

If your church has a small screen, consider borrowing or renting a larger one.

• Check your sound system capabilities.

The video was produced with Surround Sound, so the sound is enhanced with a quality sound system.

• Test the equipment to make sure it works.

• Have adequate, comfortable seating.

Enough tables so the participants can sit in groups of no more than 7-10 people. If you have a choice, select a room that has chairs that can be easily moved. This allows for easier small group breakouts, if needed. If you are using an all-day format, participants might be more comfortable seated at tables.

• Arrange the seats so everyone can see the screen.

• Provide refreshments.

If scheduling an all-day training, make arrangements for refreshments and lunch.

• Ensure that the climate is comfortable.

If you are meeting in a room that is not used on a daily basis, you may need to warm it up or cool it down ahead of time.

• Get the word out, again!

Don’t rely on your initial publicity efforts. Be sure that the dates and location of your training are well publicized. Confirm that each of your registered participants knows where to be and when.

• Beyond this training . . .

As you proceed through Living Free, a decision needs to be made as to who the Team Coordinator (ministry team leader) will be. Whether it’s you or someone else, it is important to identify this person so the ministry will not lose momentum. At the conclusion of the training, enlist participants for the first Insight Group. Make sure one of the groups is kept for an open group so people can receive help while waiting for another groups term to begin.

TIPS FOR SUCCESSFUL SMALL GROUPS

As you will see in each segment, a component of each training segment is group discussions. In this Guide, you have several specific questions. These questions are listed in your book and the video will guide you when there are personal reflection questions, large group discussion and small group discussion. Be sure not to pressure anyone to talk in the group. Participation is voluntary.

Below are some suggestions for implementing small groups.

Seating: Everyone should be seated in a circle for the small group discussion. The small group leader should avoid standing over the group but instead should sit within the circle.

When there are 10 or fewer participants: If you have a small number of people participating in the training, you will most likely want to keep them together and have just one small group.

When you have more than 10 participants: There should be a discussion group leader for every six or seven people. It’s best to identify the leaders before the training starts, giving attention to spiritual and emotional stability of potential leaders. You will want to meet with these leaders at least 20 minutes prior to the start of the meeting to review the purpose of the segment and potential answers to the questions. If your training is all day, review the answers for all the segments with the small group leaders one time. Don’t try to meet with them before every segment.

Organizing the groups: If you have a large group (60 to 100 people), assign each person a number as they come in. For example, if you expect 70 people, choose 10 leaders and give them each a number between one and ten. Then, as each participant comes in, assign him or her a number between one and ten. When it’s time for discussion, have the “ones” gather with leader number one, the “twos” with leader number two, and so on. If your group is too large for all the small groups to gather in your main meeting room, make preparations for where each group will meet.

Facilitating the groups: Instruct the group leaders to guide the discussion. It is important that they are able to keep the discussion on track. Each group leader should end the time in prayer. Pray for special needs that may have surfaced in discussions and for the ability to reflect on the truths being learned. If possible, each discussion leader should meet with the same group throughout the eight sessions. Help leaders remember that they are participants as well as leaders.

Keeping the training on track: Respect time limitations. Keep the training moving according to your schedule.

TRAINING OPTIONS

As mentioned earlier, we have designed this training to be flexible. Below we’ve outlined possible agendas based on how you choose to implement this training. These suggested agendas should be adapted to fit the needs of your particular setting.

FIFTY MINUTE PER SEGMENT TRAINING FORMAT

• 5 minutes: Welcome & prayer

• 15-20 minutes of an interactive Video segment

• 20 minutes: Group discussion

• 3 minutes: Wrap-up and preview of the next session

SUGGESTED TRAINING FORMATS

The Living Free Training Series can be done in one day or it can be split into two separate times and days. Allow at least 3.5 hours for the Living Free Workshop and 3 hours for the Facilitator Training. You can choose the schedule that works best for you, below is one suggestion.

8:30 a.m. - 8:45 Introduction

8:45 - 9:30 Segment 1—LIFE

9:30 - 10:15 Segment 2—CHALLENGES

10:15 - 10:30 Break

10:30 - 11:15 Segment 3—CHOICES

11:15 - 12:00 Segment 4—FREEDOM

12:00 - 1:00 p.m. Lunch

Open the net wide for all those from your church and community to attend the 3.5 hour Living Free Workshop.

Offer the 3 hour Facilitator Training either on the Saturday afternoon or Sunday afternoon/evening following the workshop.

1:00 - 1:45 Segment 1—The Small Group Strategy

2:30 - 3:15 Segment 2—Effective Facilitation and Communication

3:15 - 3:30 Break

3:30 - 4:15 Segment 3—Launching a Living Free Ministry

4:15 - 4:30 Wrap up

You Are Now Ready to Start the Training!

Remember two things: Review each segment — both the VIDEO and GUIDE — before the training session.

Living Free Ministry Overview

Equipping local churches to help people prevent and overcome life-controlling problems.

Behind People’s Sunday Smiles Is a World of Hurt

Most people sit in church with smiles on their faces.

WHAT CHURCH LEADERS SAY ABOUT LIVING FREE

I marvel at the fact that we not only could responsibly touch the lives of hurting people, but that ours was at least as good [as public programs]-not to mention the joy of seeing many enter into eternal life in Jesus Christ.

-Dr. Donald Miles, Pastor in Denver, Colorado

WHAT IS LIVING FREE?

Living Free is a nonprofit Christian ministry with a mission to help your church reach out to people facing life-controlling problems, hurts, and the everyday challenges of life that can become overwhelming. This unique program uses lay leadership, small groups, and Bible studies on a wide variety of topics. The Bible studies are specifically designed to help group members deal honestly with real-life problems.

Jesus commissioned Paul to “open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light, and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in me” (Acts 26:18).

At Living Free, we believe those instructions to Paul are our marching orders, too. Everything we do, from our training to our curriculum, focuses on helping people live freely in Jesus Christ.

Living Free is not a Christian 12-step program. It is not pop-psychology. Nor can it replace the work of a trained counselor when one is needed. Rather, it shows how your church or ministry can bring together the Word of God, the Spirit of God, and the People of God to help others break free from and remain free of life-controlling problems.

Since its founding by Dr. Jimmy Ray Lee in 1988, thousands of churches, ministries, and individuals in a wide variety of settings have used Living Free materials. Our reach has expanded internationally, with resources in several languages. Wherever we minister, we work in cooperation with churches to offer a model for setting up and running small groups that help people grow to their full potential in Christ.

The Living Free model is implemented by a team of church members under the supervision of your church leadership. Living Free provides this video series for training facilitators (or leaders) of small groups, as well as curriculum to be used in follow-up groups. The catalog in your Living Free training kit has a current list of available curriculum.

WHAT BENEFITS DOES LIVING FREE OFFER MY CHURCH?

We live in a society that is full of people who choose to live self-destructive lifestyles. Our communities and our churches are filled with hurting people who are looking for answers. Many times, church does not feel like a safe place for people who need to talk about their struggles and find hope. Beginning this ministry in your church can provide opportunities for people to overcome those struggles in a Christ-centered small group.

A WORD TO PARACHURCH MINISTRIES

Living Free works effectively in parachurch ministries, too. Youth programs, outreach organizations, and missionary agencies have established Living Free ministries to reach out to the people they serve. While throughout this training we refer to the local church, the Living Free content and small group methodology are applicable to other Christian ministries as well.

HOW WOULD A LIVING FREE MINISTRY WORK IN MY CHURCH?

YOU CAN START A LIVING FREE MINISTRY IN YOUR CHURCH BY TAKING FOUR SIMPLE STEPS:

• Offer the Living Free Workshop to interested persons in your congregation.

The segments of this video series provide valuable information to people who want to learn more about preventing and overcoming life-controlling problems. They are especially helpful in surfacing and training potential Living Free group facilitators.

• Form a Core Team.

After the training, facilitators and other interested lay leaders will work as a team (we call it a Core Team) to develop small groups that address life-controlling issues. Segment 7 of this training walks you through the Core Team concept and the steps to implementing a Living Free ministry in your church.

• Have the Core Team participate in an Insight Group.

Upon completion of the Insight Group, facilitators will invite others to participate in the Insight Group and subsequent groups.

• Establish groups that meet people at their point of need.

The Insight Group should be the first group offered. As mentioned earlier, your training coordinator has a current catalog listing our curriculum. With a Core Team established and small groups up and running, Living Free will become an ongoing ministry in your church to meet the specific needs of your congregation and community.

Your church may decide to use its own small group curriculum after the Living Free video training.

We would still encourage you to go through the Insight Group first. This provides an excellent training ground for potential facilitators of small groups. In this group, new facilitators can experience and put into practice concepts and skills learned from the training.

If you have any questions about this training or about Living Free or Living Free, please call us at 1.800.879.4770 or email info@LivingFree.org.

HOW IT WORKS AFTER THE LIVING FREE WORKSHOP & FACILITATOR TRAINING:

• Form a Core Team

• Offer an Insight Group

• Establish Small Groups

After the Insight Group, participants enroll in other small groups and offer new Insight groups. (Keep at least one open group so people can receive help while waiting on the next term of groups)

Living Free Training Summary

Discovering God’s Path to Hope, Faith, & Freedom

Training Summary

OBJECTIVES OF THIS TRAINING

Living Free was designed to benefit those who want to become facilitators of small groups and those who simply want to better understand life-controlling problems and how they affect one’s walk with God.

Still deciding whether you should participate in the Living Free training?

Here’s a quick self-test.

• Would you like to learn more about life-controlling problems?

• Does your heart go out to people who can’t seem to break free from a damaging behavior, relationship, or substance?

• Are you struggling with a particular issue or that hinders your walk with God?

• Does someone you love have a life- controlling problem?

• Would you like to become a small group facilitator where there is caring, accountability, and confidentiality?

If you can answer yes to any one of these questions, then you are in the right place!

The Living Free Workshop & Facilitator Training was designed to benefit those who want to become facilitators of small groups and those who simply want to better understand life-controlling problems and how they affect one’s walk with God.

USE OF LIVING FREE TRAINING SERIES

• Understand life-controlling issues—how they develop and the impact they have on individuals and families.

• Prevent life-controlling problems or deal with them in your own life.

• Help others with life-controlling issues. If you decide to become a facilitator of a Living Free small group, this training will help equip you to lead a small group effectively.

• Establish an ongoing Living Free ministry.

Living Free and the Living Free training series are designed to work under the auspices of Living Free, Inc., its staff, and certified instructors. You are authorized to use the Living Free video training series in your congregation and/or parachurch ministry at your customary places of assembly. Any other use must be specifically authorized by Living Free.

These restrictions are designed to protect the integrity of the content of the material and its intended purpose as designed by Living Free, Inc.

Helpful information that goes beyond what is covered in the video segment can be found after the workshop section of the Guide in a section called Knowing More.

The video features people who tell about their real-life experiences with life-controlling problems These people who are identified by their first names on the screen (e.g., Candy, Joe, Brad . . . ).

SEGMENT OVERVIEW:

In the Living Free Workshop you will learn more about life-controlling problems—the main types of issues, how they develop, and their impact on individuals and entire families. This portion of the training is useful for future facilitators or any interested person.

The Leading & Launching Living Free : A Facilitator Training Guide focuses on Living Free’s small group strategy. In these segments you will discover how small groups can help people become free and remain free of life-controlling problems. You will also learn some essential skills of small group leadership. Potential facilitators should definitely be involved in these segments, but they are also useful for people who are interested in learning more about life-controlling problems and everyday life issues.

You will learn how to start a Living Free ministry in your church. It addresses those people who will be responsible for running the ministry. Facilitators should participate in Segment 3 so that they will understand and share in the process for managing the program.

It is our prayer at Living Free/Living Free that this training might benefit you personally and also the people God brings into your life.

WORKSHOP

- PART ONE -

Please note, this section begins the Living Free Workshop. The page numbers throughout this section are labeled as 1-# to indicate they are part one of the series. The will correspond accordingly with the pages in the Workshop book. (i.e. page 1-5 will be page 5, etc.)

WORKSHOP

WELCOME

ALLOW MINUTES 10

We welcome you to the Living Free Awareness Workshop. Your time will be spent interacting with video content of people telling their stories of their life journeys. Throughout our time, you will interact with video content of people telling the story of their life journeys. We believe you will relate to and learn from their experiences. You will have time to reflect on your own life and collaborate in small groups to share what you have experienced and learned. We will focus on what the Bible says about life and how to face life's challenges with courage.

Since 1988 over two million people have learned to thrive in Living Free groups.

If you have not already done so, and you are taking this training with people other than yourself, please form groups of no more than 5-7 people each group. Go around the group introducing yourself and sharing one sentence of why you are here today at the workshop. Take 10-15 minutes for this group discussion.

We trust that you will find this time well-spent. Whether you are in a difficult time in life or not, we are confident that the next three hours will equip you to live a satisfying and productive life with few regrets and stronger relationships.

Let’s hear Don Keene, Director of Counseling and Living Free Ministry at James River Church, explain his personal experience with Living Free. Then, we will hear from Licensed Psychologist Dr. Dolly Thomas, who will be our guide through this Living Free Awareness experience.

Workshop Introduction

Video: Living Free Can Benefit Everyone – Pastor Don Keene

Video: Welcome to the Living Free Awareness Workshop – Dolly Thomas, Ph.D.

As Dolly said, our goal for this workshop and involvement with Living Free is that: “At the end of our gathering, we want you to feel prepared to live a better life, finish life with fewer regrets, and have a legacy of goodness.”

LIVING FREE WORKSHOP

LIFE

INTRODUCTION TO LIFE

LIFE: Introduction

Awareness Exercise

“MY LIFE IS…..” REFLECTION AND GROUP DISCUSSION

ONESegment

The question raised by the Bible passage Dolly quoted is one of the most important questions of all time. Really, what is humankind that God should pay any attention to us as a species or as individuals?

Humans cannot thrive without caring relationships. Newborns will die without someone to care for and love them. Meeting survival needs is not enough. To thrive, there must be a loving relationship.

We can thrive when our basic survival needs are met and we know that we matter to someone. The most important relationship is the one with our Creator and Father.

Life has its good and bad times. It can be dreadfully difficult, and it can be unbelievably wonderful.

PERSONAL REFLECTION

ALLOW MINUTES 5

Take a moment and write a few words to finish the sentence below that describes the feeling you have about your life today.

My Life Is …

WHAT WE DID NOT CHOOSE

You are one-of-a-kind. There never has been and never will be anyone exactly like you. Even identical twins have differences that allow us to tell them apart. You did not choose to be alive, and you did not have the opportunity to choose anything about how you are put together or the circumstances into which you were born.

Some people describe our experience of life as being thrown into the world with no care for where we might land or how we might survive. It really doesn’t seem fair from our perspective. But there is more to the story than we have time to discover in this workshop. You can find more information in the supplemental material in this manual.

Let’s listen to a few stories to illustrate how difficult and unfair life can be.

LIFE: The Life We Have

CIRCUMSTANCES BEYOND OUR CONTROL

The speakers in the video used these words to describe their experiences.

Abuse, hurt, nothing good, abusive and neglectful parent, broken and abusive home, abused in every way, good stable family, healthy and nurturing, stable family, grew up in a good home, immigrant family, life was good, loving environment

WHAT WE CAN AND CANNOT CHANGE

Obviously, some have an easier childhood than others. It can feel like we are thrown into life without any care of where we might land or what may happen to us.

Group Discussion: Circumstances beyond our control. Think about one thing about yourself or an event you experienced in early life that you would not have chosen and would change if you could. How have you been affected? Is it possible that you gained something by having gone through your experience?

We have inherited genetic strengths and weaknesses from our birth parents, which we learned in our relationships, in our experiences growing up, and in the cultural influence where we grew up.

Many people are unhappy with themselves and their circumstances and become discouraged; others find ways to thrive in difficult and painful circumstances.

The past cannot be changed, and present circumstances may be difficult, but people desire a better life for themselves and their children.

Let’s take a moment to hear from Dolly about what people desire in life.

LIFE: The Life We Desire

WHAT PEOPLE WANT

Three things Dolly mentions that people want most in life. People want to:

• Be Happy

• Live Well

• Live Long

Social scientists have researched for decades what is needed for people to enjoy life and have a sense of wellbeing. This simple survey is a fun activity to understand your strong and weak areas in the things that help us enjoy a sense of well-being.

Discovery: A Simple Happiness Inventory

Let‘s see how we do on this list of ten components of having the kind of life most people desire. A SURVEY OF GENERAL HAPPINESS

Please read the instructions aloud and give participants 5 minutes to take inventory. Please explain that there is no right or wrong answers. This is simply an indication of how happy a person is currently. The higher the total, the happier a person is currently.

0 - Never | 1 - Not Often | 2 - Sometimes | 3 - Usually | 4 - Always

_______ Positive emotion : I generally experience a pleasant life and feel good.

_______ Engagement : I have interests that capture my attention and bring me joy.

_______ Relationships : I have close friends and family members with whom I enjoy positive interactions and mutual affection.

_______ Presence : I am more concerned with the here and now than I am with dwelling on the past and worrying about the future.

_______ Meaning : I feel that my life has meaning and counts for something.

_______ Accomplishment : I am accomplishing things that are meaningful to me.

_______ Acceptance : I am kind to myself and treat others well.

_______ Reputation : Others think well of me and respect me.

_______ Security : I have a safe environment, secure living space, secure income, and access to necessities.

_______ Health : Health issues are not affecting my enjoyment of life.

Choose three of the elements in the happiness inventory that you believe are the most important to ensure living a satisfying and productive life. List them below.

A good life is not always a pleasant life.

In the same way, a pleasant life is not always a good life.

A good life is not measured in money, homes, power, or conquests, and it is more than happiness that is measured by the list of the ten components we discussed earlier.

This life as we know it is going to end, and everything we have enjoyed and cherished will be left behind.

SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION

THE GOOD LIFE

Have someone in your group read II Peter 1:3-11 and answer the questions below as a group. What is God Like?

What does God desire for us?

What is the most meaningful goal in our lives?

Segment

CHALLENGES

INTRODUCTION TO CHALLENGES

CHALLENGES: Introduction

PERSONAL REFLECTION

THREE OF MY WORST STRESS STORMS

Think back on your life and see if you can identify three of the most stressful situations you have faced. Share your memory with the group and mention how you coped with the stress of the situation.

CHALLENGES: Problems, Stress, and Pain

BLINDSIDED

There is never a time while we are on this earth that we cannot be blindsided. It happens to individuals, families, communities, and countries.

SOURCES OF STRESS AND EMOTIONAL PAIN

Stress is brought on by trauma, frustration, fear, conflict, pain, losses, and changes.

PERSONAL

In the activity below, ask the participants to place a check or X next to events which have taken place in their lives in the last 2 years.

Think through the categories of events listed below and check any that you experienced in the past two years or are currently experiencing.

Trauma : Unresolved adverse childhood experiences and current life-changing events that result in serious mental health setbacks.

Frustration : Unmet expectations, feeling stuck, feeling fed up, inability to accomplish goals, unwanted change of routine (work, play, sleep, meals)

Death : Spouse, Child, Close Relative, Close Friend

Separations : Divorce, incarceration, children leaving home, military deployment

Conflict : Marital conflict, conflict with/about children, in-law conflict, workplace conflicts, unresolved family conflicts

Financial : Losing your job, legal problems, taking on debt, foreclosure, cannot meet expenses

Major Change : Retirement, moving, changing jobs, lifestyle changes (social, physical, etc.), new child, changes in household members

Health : Major medical event, disability, caregiving for loved one

Seasonal: Vacation, Sentimental holidays

SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION

How do people normally manage the stress and pain in life?

What are the downsides of looking for quick solutions?

What can you do to prepare for the problems that are sure to come?

We need to be careful when we are trying to find relief and comfort from the pain that comes from being harmed by life.

In the next video, Dolly will explain the problems that arise when we are not careful in how we find relief. We will also hear from some Living Free leaders and participants about how their quest for relief took them in directions they did not expect.

CHALLENGES: Comfort and Dependency

PERSONAL REFLECTION

What is your go-to remedy when you are overcome with a painful situation in life? And, Has it ever taken you in a direction that you did not want to travel in?

Dependencies can separate us from reality, but the problems that bother us will remain. The pain will still be with us, even though we are numb or distracted.

LARGE GROUP DISCUSSION

Propose these T/F questions to the entire group..

ALLOW MINUTES 5

Answer the following True and False Questions and then discuss these as a group.

T or F: Almost anything can become compulsive when used to cover pain.

T or F: The brain has nothing to do with becoming dependent.

T or F: Our dependencies will make our lives more manageable.

T or F: The brain will keep us from harming ourselves by overindulgence.

T or F: I can walk away from my dependencies at any time.

T or F: It is never advisable to find relief from physical, mental, or emotional pain for fear of becoming dependent.

Of course, there are times when legally prescribed remedies used according to a medical provider’s instructions are necessary and appropriate to get someone through a hard period in life.

The most problems come when we refuse to endure any discomfort and demand to feel better now. We forget that God has given us resources to sustain us through difficult circumstances. We demand to have a pleasant life right now and miss opportunities to gain wisdom and resilience by walking through difficult times.

In the next topic, we will consider how we may benefit from the process of developing our capacity for resilience.

CHALLENGES: Resilience

How Prepared Am I for My Next Challenge?

PERSONAL REFLECTION

Write down your answer to the following:

When I face a personal crisis, usually my first response is:

FAITH, GOODNESS, KNOWLEDGE, SELF-CONTROL, PERSEVERANCE, GODLINESS, AND LOVE

Coordinator: Read these qualities to the entire group(s) as qualities of a resilient person.

Experience is a great resource when facing difficult situations. Pay attention to how you and others cope with crises and learn from experience. Let the small problems teach you how to react to the major ones.

Right Thinking: When you are faced with a challenge, accept it and understand what you are facing. Don’t let your thoughts run wild, imagining the worst possible outcome. This will help you keep emotions under control.

Endurance: Wean yourself from insisting on having a comfortable life. Learn to trust God during difficult times. Be willing to work through the discomfort and resist the urge to numb out or escape into entertainment for distraction.

Perseverance: Sailors would tell one another to “hold fast.” They would tattoo the knuckles with the words to be visible when they would be up in the rigging, holding on to ropes when working the sails in a storm.

Remember how God helped you in the past. In Old Testament times, when God brought someone through an uncertain time, they might have stacked rocks as a reminder of his faithfulness. Whenever someone saw that stack, they would remember God is faithful.

Prepare: Use the easy times to draw close to God, understand how to see beyond this life, learn t to trust his promises, and build the qualities of a mature faith as you grow in goodness, knowledge, selfcontrol, perseverance, godliness, and love.

Support: Build a network of trusted friends where you can help others and find help in times of need.

GROUP SHARING

If time allows, ask someone in the group to share a testimony of how they came through a difficult time with God’s help. Do they see the value of preparing for the next trial? Pray for anyone who is facing a difficult circumstance.

CHALLENGES: Support in Times of Trouble

1 mins

10 minute break.

LIVING FREE WORKSHOP

THREESegment

CHOICES

INTRODUCTION TO CHOICES

CHOICES: Introduction

Group Discussion: How do you feel about this statement made in the video? “Living a good life is not always pleasant or easy. It often calls for sacrificing a comfortable existence to achieve a worthy goal.” Ask participants to determine if they: Agree, Somewhat Agree, Not Sure, Somewhat Disagree or Strongly Disagree. Discuss the answers with the group.

Making good choices is not easy. There are pressures in the world we live in and inside us that influence us to make poor choices.

Think about a time when you had to make a choice between what was right and what was more comfortable or beneficial for you. Maybe it was when an apology was needed, blame was to be accepted, or someone needed help or defense. Maybe it was a choice to continue with a difficult task or just to walk away.

Some of the time, you probably want to make good choices that you know are the right things to do. But all of us have strong inclinations to base our decisions on what seems to be the best thing for us right now. This makes it possible for us to become our own worst enemy.

PERSONAL REFLECTION

What are some difficult, unselfish choices the Bible calls us to make?

Turning the other cheek, deny ourselves to follow Jesus…Can you think of others?

CHOICES: Decisions

There are many external influences that trip us and slow us down in our development into the person God designed us to become.

But in the video Dolly mentions a risk that is internal. We are often our own worst enemies when we make self-defeating and destructive choices that hold us back in our race.

LARGE GROUP DISCUSSION

Please read the scripture below and then ask the question to the entire group.

Roman 7:18-19 GW

“18 I know that nothing good lives in me; that is, nothing good lives in my corrupt nature. Although I have the desire to do what is right, I don’t do it. 19 I don’t do the good I want to do. Instead, I do the evil that I don’t want to do.”

Can you identify with what Paul describes in Romans 7:18-19?

CHOICES: Growing Impact-Downward Spiral

CHOICES: Entanglements

THE TRAP

We gradually develop self-destructive patterns of life.

We can become trapped in self-destructive patterns in our lives. Whether it is an obsession, an attitude, a belief, a mindset, or an addiction, they have a lot in common.

We become entangled in these problems when they become our preferred way of relating to life and the problems that life brings.

How Things Get Out of Hand EXPERIMENTATION

The first step of the trap is when we experience the effects for the first time. We like how it feels; it is not a big deal and does not seem dangerous. There are no discernible, negative consequences for our actions. We tell somebody off, and they back down. We feel powerful, and it feels good. We steal something small and get away with it. The excitement is intoxicating. We are married, and a coworker enjoys flirting with us. We are harmed, and we become bitter and hateful. We are drawn to the never-ending scrolling we can do on our devices because we don’t want to miss what’s next.

SOCIALIZATION

Next, we want to spend time with people with similar interests and relate to life the way we do. They don’t challenge our decisions and accept us just like we are. Our lifestyle changes to accommodate our new way of living.

PREOCCUPATION

As things progress, we become absorbed with whatever it is that has captivated us. We must continue the path; when we stop, we feel miserable, lost, and panicked. We begin to feel the losses we are suffering, and that drives us deeper into our pattern of life.

DOMINATION

We come to the point where we cannot live without what we depend on to make it through the day. Nor do we want to. Our lustful cravings push us to do anything to experience the high one more time. Now we are trapped with seemingly no way out.

MANY DANGERS OF ENTANGLEMENT

We never know when at a crossroads where one wrong decision might lead. There is always a consequence for every decision, whether good or bad.

Results of Unwise Decisions

We do not develop self-destructive lifestyles out of the blue. When we are hurt, bored, lonely, curious, or just on a whim, we may decide to indulge ourselves in something that can lead to a lifetime of entanglement and chaos.

We can be trapped by things that we must have to live, as well as things that are pleasurable but not essential for life. Any of these things can trap us and ruin our lives.

Substance abuse is not the only thing that can hold you back from growing into the person God designed you to be. In Living Free, we talk about the BEARS to watch for.

Behaviors: Eating Disorders, Self-mutilation Flirting, Fantasy, Pornography, Promiscuity, Shoplifting, Gaming, Gambling, Device dependency, Internet, Social media, Work, Sports, Web surfing, Binge-watching, Overspending

Emotions: Anger, Despair, Grief, Fear, Depression, Worry, Anxiety, Pleasure, Admiration, Power, Fame, Pride, Selfishness

Attitudes: Negative thinking, Self-pity, Bitterness, Envy, Pride, Unforgiveness, Destructive attitude (how you think, feel, and react, racial/ethnic prejudice)

Relationships: Inappropriate emotional attachments, Codependency, Adultery, Approval

Substances: Substance Abuse, Smoking, Vaping, Chewing tobacco

ENTRY POINTS TO SELF-DEFEATING/DESTRUCTIVE ENTRAPMENTS – A FEW EXAMPLES

Flirting

Fantasy

Pornography

Power Wealth

Sex/Promiscuity

Despair

Eating disorders Fame Smoking

Substances Shopping

Device overuse

Codependency

Self-harm

Controlling

Unforgiveness

Codependency

Greed

Gambling Gaming

Negativity

Self-pity

Bitterness Envy

Unforgiveness

Bad attitudes

Internet Work Sports

Pride

Selfishness

HOW DO I KNOW IF I HAVE A DEPENDENCY?

Propose these questions to the entire group, not necessarily asking for answers. Just things to think about.

How do I know if a dependency is self-defeating or self-destructive?

• Take a break from it for 3 days and see how you react

• Do you pay attention to it at the expense of time with people present with you?

• Do you interact with it mindlessly at almost every idle moment?

• How much time do you think about it?

• Ask someone you spend time with what they notice.

• Are you neglecting responsibilities to engage/interact with what you need/want to do?

We don’t have to be crushed by the consequences of our decisions to be hindered in our growth. Just being wounded will take you out of the battle.

Ask the entire group to follow the transcript of the video to see the progression from anger & denial to acceptance and help as those who are trying to help their loved ones.

As you watch this video segment, notice what Kim learns through the process.

CHOICES: Harming Ourselves & Others & Becoming Self Destructive

8 mins

In a family or any network of people who care for one another or work together, when one person is not functioning, the whole system is affected. All the attention goes to the person who is struggling with the problem, but the pain is carried by others, too.

It is difficult to thrive in an environment that has become dysfunctional.

With all the attention being paid to one person’s problems, the losses the others in the system suffer are overlooked or minimized. The whole system can collapse.

Let’s hear about two people whose lives and families were affected by a loved one’s problems.

PROGRESSION OF HELPING AND NOT BECOMING CODEPENDENT

Son: Makes destructive life choices

Husband: We are going to fix this

Wife: I needed help to fix my husband from fixing our son. What did they each need to do?

Son: Lies and manipulation continue

Wife: Can’t you see what he is doing?

Husband: Leave me alone.

Wife: Telling husband he is ineffective -- told him what to do

Wife: Grew to hate the son for destroying the marriage

Son: Continues manipulation

Wife: Didn’t care if the son dies

Wife: Just wanted to be comfortable

Wife: Was losing touch with God because of her hatred

God: Showed her the son’s pain in his addiction to meth.

Wife: Backed off and worked on her own issues of hatred

Husband: Could back off and see the situation clearly and see his actions were futile.

Husband: Had room to breathe and prepare to accept the worst if it came to that.

Both: Found strength to withdraw from the chaos

Son: Still struggling, but not destroying parents’ marriage

There is often a fine line between helping and harming someone.

A codependent person must realize three things:

THE 3 C’S

You didn’t cause the problem, You can’t control the problem, You can’t cure the problem

Only God can change a person.

SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION

Have you ever lived in or observed a family or other system like this? As time allows, let group members share how their experiences affected them.

Have you ever told yourself the lie that you are not harming anyone except yourself?

Segment

FREEDOM

INTRODUCTION TO FREEDOM

FREEDOM: Introduction & The Way Back

TOOLS OF GETTING YOUR LIFE BACK ON TRACK

• Leave your bubble of isolation

• Develop new friends and activities

• Make amends for your actions

• Restore broken relationships

• Learn to challenge any distorted thinking

• Develop spiritual life by reading God’s Word

• Rely on God’s Spirit

• Connect with God’s people.

FREEDOM: Obstacles on the Path Back

SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION

What obstacles hinder you from making positive changes?

What aspects of “getting back on track” are illustrated in Billy and Kristina’s story?

What impact did Billy’s unforgiveness have on his life choices?

What is your reaction to how Kristina reentered a relationship with Billy?

What price did she pay for his failures?

FREEDOM: Life Skills

LEARNING ACTIVITY : PERSONAL REFLECTION

Lead the entire group through the following exercise.

LIFE SKILLS YOU WISH TO DEVELOP

List of helpful life skills

Take a look at the life skills under the following two categories and circle the ones you do well and underline the ones you need to develop. Discuss in your groups.

Social Intelligence:

Empathy

Listening skills

Carefronting: which is speaking the truth in love

No labeling: Not defining people by their problems

Group communication skills.

Emotional Intelligence:

Be mindful of harmful patterns of thinking.

Take notice when secret areas of life grow

Blind spots: Ask others to help you be aware of them

Leveling: Listening without becoming defensive

Seeking accountability partners.

Life Skills will make your life more meaningful and strengthen your relationships. They are effective in helping you connect with people in meaningful ways, understand yourself and others, help people through life issues, maintain appropriate boundaries In relationships, and talk to almost anyone.

Ask the entire group the following question before playing the next video. Discuss in the small groups after the video.

As you watch the following video, think about which life skills Kristina and Billy employ as they work on restoring their relationship.

FREEDOM: Love, Honesty and Reconciliation

SMALL GROUP DISCUSSION

Work as a group to identify the skills Billy and Kristina used to restore their family.

FREEDOM: Living Free for Life

FUNDAMENTALS FOR LIVING FREE

• Trust God

• Accountability

• Do the Next Right Thing

• Ask for Help

• New Friends

• God’s Resources

• An Encounter with God

• Restoring Relationships

SUGGESTED NEXT STEP

Enroll in a Living Free group

Recommended first groups: Insight Group

Free to Grow

Stepping into Freedom

FREEDOM: Conclusion

For the coordinator: Please mention the expanded content section of this workbook as a resource to dive deeper into the principles found in today’s training. .

LIVING FREE WORKSHOP

BONUSSegment

Expanded Workshop Content

INTRODUCTION TO LIVING FREE

The Purpose We Are Born to Fulfill

Living Free is committed to helping people to live a good life. But how do you define what a good life is? Take a moment and write a few words in the margin that describe the life you desire for yourself and those you love. In the next few hours, you might find new ways of looking at life that will challenge your opinions.

For thousands of years, philosophers, theologians, religious leaders, and folks like the rest of us have wondered what makes life good. Surprisingly, many (but not all) of these thinkers are starting to agree on many basic ideas concerning what makes a good life.

This Living Free experience is not an academic exercise. It is a tool that helps us look at our lives to better deal with unpleasant and harmful experiences in a way that we are not overcome and held back from being the person God designed us to become. We desire to offer a curriculum for living that will empower you to enjoy a meaningful and productive life. We want you to live well and leave a legacy of goodness that your family will cherish when you are gone.

We are about to look at life from beginning to end and think about the things that we experience, both good and bad. We will try to find answers to questions like, “Why did this happen to me?” We will see how easy it is to lose our way when we suffer setbacks, and we’ll learn to identify the dangerous path that leads to becoming trapped and defeated. We will learn how to become resilient and to get back up when life knocks us down. We will learn how to become the person of character we are designed to be. We will learn how to thrive in the life we are living.

This Living Free event is not a bible study, but we will draw upon the ancient wisdom in the Bible. Even if you are not religious, you will find these biblical insights can help you live well.

SEGMENT ONE: LIFE

Why Our Lives Matter

Three thousand years ago, David, a king of Israel, looked up into the night sky and described his experience with these words.

I look at the heavens you made with your hands.

I see the moon and the stars you created.

And I wonder, why are people so important to you?

Why do you even think about them?

Why do you care so much about humans?

Why do you even notice them?

But you made them almost like gods and crowned them with glory and honor.

You put them in charge of everything you made.

Psalm 8:3-6 (ERV)

Currently, more than 8 billion humans live on this planet. That is a massive number of people. If everyone stood in one formation at arm's length, we would fill an area the size of Germany. You are one person in a vast crowd living on a speck of a planet that orbits one of septillion stars in the universe. (A septillion is 1 with 24 zeros after it.) We are smaller than we think we are. Knowing these things, we join King David in the questions he directed to God 2,300 years ago.

• Why are people so important to you?

• Why do you even think about them?

• Why do you care so much about them?

• Why do you even notice them?

In this segment, we will seek answers to these existential questions about why our lives matter. We will also explore why life can be so painful, what makes people happy, and how to prepare to live a genuinely satisfying life.

David also wondered why God picked humankind to hold a position of trust and honor. This special honor is mentioned when he said:

But you made them almost like gods and crowned them with glory and honor. You put them in charge of everything you made.

God created us as the crown of creation, the ones who would be stewards and caretakers of everything He made. It may surprise you that God created us because He wants to enjoy a relationship with us. He is our Abba, or Dada, the first words of many children. It is a word full of kindness and love. We say it as a tender and loving expression to the best Father ever.

1600 years ago, an early Christian scholar wrote:

You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in You. (Augustine, Confessions, 1.1.1.)

The short answer to the four questions David asked God is that He created us because He wanted to. He wants to enjoy a relationship and share his goodness with us. God thinks of us because He loves us. He cares for us because we are his children. He notices us because it pleases him to do so.

WHY LIFE CAN BE SO PAINFUL

We just read what some consider the most important sentence ever written about what it means to be alive. The words of Augustine tell us that our hearts are always restless until we find our rest in Abba, the one that gave us life. God created the first family to ever live. But He was soon betrayed by those he loved and created, and since then, life has never been the same.

From that moment, life became a struggle and more dangerous. For the first time, death had entered the world. And worst of all, people were estranged from their good and loving creator. God still loved them and did not give up on them, but still, the damage was done. Every generation since the first one that turned away from God has felt the impact of those early events. We still live with those consequences today. You can read more about this from the Bible, in the book of Genesis chapter 3.

God’s children broke their relationship with their Creator God, but He did not abandon them. It is comforting to know God has never stopped loving them or us. He welcomes us back and makes forgiveness possible if we are willing to return to Him in trust. He has provided a way. His love and goodness have not changed. But the world and everything in it still struggles with the consequences of what happened long ago. You can read more about this in the Bible, in the Book of Romans, chapter 5.

HOW WE ARE ALL AFFECTED

We are all affected by the consequences of sin that occurred before we were even born. We cannot escape the brokenness that became part of our world when the first man and woman turned their back on their Creator.

This may seem unfair and even arbitrary. Think about it: At conception, each parent contributes half of their child's DNA. That DNA has been passed down randomly from numerous previous generations. Without intervention, you cannot choose anything about essential aspects of your life and development. After about nine months, you are squeezed, stretched, pushed, and expelled into a place where you cannot even survive unless someone else takes total care of you. And sadly, there is no guarantee that they will. You don't know if your parents will cherish you or abandon you, whether they will be kind or cruel.

You had no choice where you were born, the culture that would form you, the language you speak, your race, ethnicity, parents, or social and economic status. You did not choose whether you would be born healthy or with physical disabilities. As you continue in life, you find some people love you; others may not. Some welcome you; others are disappointed that you arrived. But you arrived. Welcome to your life. You may feel like you were thrown into life, and nobody cared where you might land or who would care for you.

The Life We Have

WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE ABOUT YOUR LIFE?

When we look at ourselves, most of us are our own worst critics. Perhaps you don't like your physical characteristics. You don't want your face, size, height, build, or proportions. You may not like your personality. You wish you were more popular, kind, happy, friendly, or confident. You wish you had friends. You feel awkward around others. You may wish you were more intelligent, articulate, athletic, talented, or healthy.

Unfortunately, people often judge others because of their ethnicity, skin color, culture, poverty, disability, background, accent, or county where they live. This judgment from others can lead to many difficulties in life.

Did your parents love you or reject you? Were you neglected or abused? Were you bullied?

Do you suffer a lack of opportunity to develop your gifts and abilities? Are you still being held back?

Think about what you would change if you could. Don't rush. How do you feel about not having a choice in these characteristics that have shaped your life? How are you affected by these things now? Are you angry, depressed, bitter, unforgiving, helpless, sad, hopeless, or suffering from painful emotions?

While we cannot change our past, it does not have to destroy our lives. Living Free can help you find a path to a good life. Life has never been fair, but that fact does not have to define the person we become.

WORKING THROUGH THE PAIN

If you need help working through the pain or frustration you may be feeling, find someone to talk to. A good counselor can help you work through these issues. Sharing with an understanding friend could also be a good start. Many support groups have people with problems just like yours. Find an open and loving congregation and discover a place to belong. Just don't try to do it alone. We all need good and safe relationships where we find help. Whatever your life has been like, each of us can benefit from a supportive network of friends.

WHAT WE ALL HAVE IN COMMON

While we all have differing backgrounds, experiences, and needs, most people inevitably want the same things. Deep within our hearts is a longing to survive and thrive. We want to have strong relationships where we can love and be loved. We need the company of a tribe to bond, to belong, and to enjoy safety and security. We need to feel respected by ourselves and by others. In short, we need to work and enjoy our labor's rewards. All those things were once the natural order of creation. But the world we live in today is very different from the world created for us in the beginning.

No two people have the same physical makeup, emotional profile, opportunities, life experiences, or physical and mental abilities. But everyone has a similar desire for themselves and their children. All of us can have a “good” life.

The Life We Desire

Researchers conduct an annual worldwide study to learn what people desire most. Almost everyone surveyed agreed they wished for themselves a happy and long life, and even more so for their children.

So, what does it take to experience a life of happiness? First, people need dependable access to necessities like food, water, air, warmth, shelter, good health, and safety to survive. But while necessities may keep us alive, there is far more to having a good life than simply existing. We also have deep needs of the mind, soul, and spirit—our hearts long for meaning and the assurance that we have a place in the world and are not alone.

IPSOS Global Advisor conducts an annual worldwide survey that asks everyday people what they need most to feel happy. You can go to their website (www.ipsos.com) and search for “global happiness” to see the complete analysis of their research and download a PDF report. Here is what the report revealed:

RESULTS OF THE GLOBAL HAPPINESS STUDY:

What makes people happy around the world?

Here are the answers people gave as the most significant sources of happiness:

1. Having good health/physical well-being

2. Enjoying my children

3. Enjoying the relationship with my partner/spouse

4. Knowing that my life has meaning

5. Having a safe and secure environment

6. Feeling in control of my life

7. Being satisfied with my living conditions

8. Working in a meaningful job/project

9. Having sufficient money for needs and some wants

10. Being in a secure financial situation

Other highly selected sources of happiness are:

Enjoying my hobbies/interests

Being satisfied with the direction my life is going

Enjoying good friendships

Enjoying material possessions

Forgiving someone/ something

Finishing LAST place out of many possible items was: Spending time on social media. We all enjoy the good times, when life is pleasant, and things go our way. We cherish those happy times. And we should enjoy life; it is a precious gift. But building a life dependent on our happiness is a grave mistake.

Happiness can affect us like a drug. When we focus solely on it, we begin to feel that we must have it to function. But we then grow tolerant of its effects, and we must increase our stimulus to feel the same emotion. We cannot tolerate its absence and it becomes essential for us to cope with life. If we don't have it, we fall to pieces. The problem is that happiness is largely dependent on our ever-changing circumstances and can disappear suddenly, leaving us dazed, confused, and angry. Happiness is a bit like sugar. It is fine in moderation, but if overdone, it will be deadly.

In ancient Greece, people argued whether life should be centered on enjoying pleasure or developing character. Today, our culture centers more on pursuing pleasure, largely neglecting the work needed to grow a life formed around goodness.

Social science has studied what is necessary for a human to have a satisfying, productive, and meaningful life. This experience is often called human flourishing or thriving. Well-being is another word that describes the condition of our life and how we are experiencing it.

When we thrive in life, we are often happy. But flourishing does not depend on happiness. Happiness is a by-product of human flourishing because we can thrive even when we do not feel the emotion of happiness. The following exercise will help you discover the qualities needed to experience a satisfying, productive, and meaningful life.

Without over-thinking, select the word that most accurately describes your life as it relates to each of the ten building blocks of well-being.

Positive Emotion—I generally experience a pleasant life and feel good.

| Never | Not Often | Sometimes | Usually | Always|

Engagement—I have interests that capture my attention and bring me joy.

| Never | Not Often | Sometimes | Usually | Always|

Relationships—I have close friends and family members with whom I enjoy positive interactions and mutual affection.

| Never | Not Often | Sometimes | Usually | Always|

Meaning—I feel that my life has meaning and counts for something.

| Never | Not Often | Sometimes | Usually | Always|

Accomplishment—I am accomplishing things that are meaningful to me.

| Never | Not Often | Sometimes | Usually | Always|

Presence—I am more concerned with the here and now than dwelling on the past and worrying about the future.

| Never | Not Often | Sometimes | Usually | Always|

Acceptance— I am kind to myself and treat others well.

| Never | Not Often | Sometimes | Usually | Always|

Reputation—Others think well of me and respect me.

| Never | Not Often | Sometimes | Usually | Always|

Security—I have a safe environment, living space, income, and access to necessities.

| Never | Not Often | Sometimes | Usually | Always|

Health—Health issues are not affecting my enjoyment of life.

| Never | Not Often | Sometimes | Usually | Always|

When we focus on achieving these good qualities of life, we experience a natural increase in our sense of wellbeing. Happiness then becomes a welcome treat rather than the center of our diet.

Those who follow Christ as believers understand the best route to a flourishing life is coming to know and love God and growing in our relationship with Him. Our spiritual connection with Him puts life in perspective and generates many qualities identified by those who study human flourishing.

God is the source of everything good. As James says,

James 5:17-18, (ERV)

Everything good comes from God. Every perfect gift is from him. These good gifts come down from the Father, who made all the lights in the sky. But God never changes like the shadows from those lights. He is always the same. God decided to give us life through the true message he sent to us. He wanted us to be the most important of all that he created.

God has given us life through the gospel message and considers us the most valuable product of His creation. When we experience His goodness, we can thrive in life. But we must put in the work of developing these abilities.

We will look at these in detail a little later, but the qualities God wants to develop in us are less self-centered, and more focused on influencing the lives of others for good, and then experiencing happiness as a result.

WHAT IS LEFT WHEN HAPPINESS FAILS US?

The Apostle Paul said while he was in prison, he faced circumstances that would prohibit life satisfaction UNLESS he recognized the higher calling that made his life worthwhile. He wrote:

Philippians 4:11-13, (God’s

Word Translation)

I'm not saying this because I'm in any need. I've learned to be content in whatever situation I'm in. I know how to live in poverty or prosperity. No matter what the situation, I've learned the secret of how to live when I'm full or when I'm hungry, when I have too much, or when I have too little. I can do everything through Christ who strengthens me.

In 2 Corinthians, Paul continues to detail his hardships, and expresses his reason for confidence and hope:

In every way we're troubled, but we aren't crushed by our troubles. We're frustrated, but we don't give up. We're persecuted, but we're not abandoned. We're captured, but we're not killed. We always carry around the death of Jesus in our bodies so that the life of Jesus is also shown in our bodies. While we are alive, we are constantly handed over to death for Jesus' sake so that the life of Jesus is also shown in our mortal nature. Death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

The following is written, "I believed; therefore, I spoke." We have that same spirit of faith. We also believe; therefore, we also speak. We know that the one who brought the Lord Jesus back to life will also bring us back to life through Jesus. He will present us to God together with you.

2 Corinthians 4:8–14, (God’s Word Translation)

Paul's life was not centered on pursuing his comfort, happiness, or well-being. His life had a much higher purpose that allowed him to survive and thrive, even while enduring challenging and painful circumstances.

FINDING MEANING IN LIFE

Paul understood the value of living a meaningful life. He understood having a life focused outside of “self” is more important than being comfortable and seeking a happy existence.

Spiritually aware people also understand that having a good and meaningful life is more critical than living a pleasant, comfortable existence centered on happiness.

Here is why:

Happiness depends on present circumstances; while a meaningful life embraces the past, present, and future.

· A meaningful life is a higher level of existence than a simply happy life.

· A meaningful life will defer gratification and choose virtue over happiness.

· A meaningful life is part of a larger goal beyond our needs.

· A meaningful life is focused more on giving than getting needs met.

· A meaningful life has a long-term perspective that extends past our lifetime.

· A meaningful life involves committed long-term relationships that teach us to love.

· A meaningful life equips us to endure hardship.

We have looked at what people need to feel happy or, as psychology students might say, what people need to experience subjective well-being. Let’s turn now to thinking about the practical steps of creating a meaningful, fulfilling life.

Building a Life You Love

Did you realize that is possible to have all your physical, social, and internal needs met and still be unhappy? It is also possible to not have certain needs met and yet be content and at peace. There is a more significant, deep need of the soul that, when satisfied, is enough to allow us to be content. And since contentment is much more meaningful than “happiness” let’s consider the things needed to build a good and content life.

Some of these deep needs that must be met in order to thrive include:

A Sense of Meaning/Purpose

Relationships

Connection to our Creator

Self-respect, value

A goal for eternity

Joy in the journey

Clear priorities

THE FOUNDATION OF A GOOD LIFE

How can we make these things priorities in our life? Any time you build or construct something, a strong foundation is the most essential part. A building with a weak foundation is unstable and likely to collapse under stress. Likewise, long-lasting, quality building materials ensure the structure will be sound. Here is a Bible passage that speaks to building a life with high-quality materials that rests on a solid foundation.

1 Corinthians 3:9b-13

And you are a house that belongs to God. Like an expert builder I built the foundation of that house. I used the gift that God gave me to do this. Other people are building on that foundation. But everyone should be careful how they build. The foundation that has already been built is Jesus Christ, and no one can build any other foundation. People can build on that foundation using gold, silver, jewels, wood, grass, or straw. But the work that each person does will be clearly seen, because the Day will make it plain.

Of course, it may feel like our foundation was built on something else before we had a say in the process. If this is that case, we might want to change things from the past that still affect us today—things that we could not control and did not choose. Thankfully, even if we were born with disadvantages that we did not ask for, we can still build a good life. We can lay a new foundation and change the course of our life.

In 1943, Reinhold Niebuhr, a professor of theology, used the "Serenity Prayer" in a sermon and in writings. At that time, World War II was raging, and people were anxious, worried and on edge. The Serenity Prayer brought comfort and hope to a population that was surrounded by conflict and uncertainty. It continues to help us achieve a hopeful and realistic perspective on the events of our lives.

THE SERENITY PRAYER

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

As it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make things right

If I surrender to His Will, So that I may be reasonably happy in this life

And supremely happy with Him Forever and ever in the next.

The prayer illustrates the need to trust God, view what happens to us from a higher perspective, change what is within our power to change, and accept those things that are beyond our ability to change. It reminds us to pay attention to the present, and that we cannot change the future or solve problems that have not happened yet. It tells us that we cannot expect much good from living in a sinful world and that our hope is in God, who will one day make all things right. It tempers our demand for a pleasant life and reminds us that our greatest joy is in a walk with God and an expectation that He will make all things right.

Trust is often hard to give when we have been disappointed many times. It is tough to trust when the people we love let us down. But trust in God is very different, and that trust is the foundation on which we need to build our life.

People don't understand how crucial our understanding of God is. Here is a quote from one of the most influential Christian books of the 20th century.

"The most portentous (important) fact about any man is not what he at a given time may say or do, but what he in his deep heart conceives God to be like. We tend by a secret law of the soul to move toward our mental image of God."

Tozer, The Knowledge of the Holy (New York: HarperCollins, 1961)

So, how would you describe God? Is He a tyrant? Is He a disinterested observer? Is He a jolly grandfather who expects little of us? Is He full of rage? Is He irrelevant? Does He even exist?

What you believe is not trivial. It will set the course of your life and influence your decisions and choices.

2 Peter 1:3-5 is a foundational passage for Living Free. It gives us a glimpse into God's character and the meaning of our lives. This passage gives insight into who God is, His relationship with us, and what is the most meaningful goal in our lives.

2 Peter 1:3-5

His divine power has given us everything required for life and godliness through the knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. By these he has given us very great and precious promises, so that through them you may share in the divine nature, escaping the corruption that is in the world because of evil desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with goodness, goodness with knowledge, knowledge with self-control, self-control with endurance, endurance with godliness, godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being useless or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

There are some fundamental concepts from this passage that can help us in our lives.

We see that God gives us these promises: His power is working for our benefit

We can have everything we need to live a good and godly life

We can share in His nature, which includes goodness

We can escape the evil influences that constantly try to trip us up We can overcome the attraction we have to destructive influences

God’s goal for us is that we display His nature in our lives, the core of which is goodness; and goodness includes love, grace, patience, and mercy.

There is a process to follow to develop the kind of life we are designed to enjoy:

• Trust God and His promises

• Have faith, believe in Him, commit ourselves to Him

• Determine to live a life that displays His goodness rather than our selfishness

• Gain knowledge and continue to grow in an understanding of who God is and what His will is for our lives.

• Practice self-control, develop a plan to master strong desires that are not appropriate through the use of accountability or other tools

• Develop perseverance, keep moving forward and overcoming opposition

• Display Godliness, show the character of God in our relationships

• Show kindness for those around us

• Grow in love, develop a true God-like love that can even love enemies

OUR LIFE GOAL

To grow in these qualities, show through our actions what God is like, and be productive and effective in a life that honors God and ends with life with Him forever.

Living a full and productive life is possible, even if we don't possess all we want. We can find happiness as we transform into the person God designed to be. However, if our well-being depends on a pleasant life, things will likely become difficult. We will all face uncomfortable and distressing situations.

Knowing that difficulty is inevitable, let's now explore how to handle these challenges.

SEGMENT TWO: CHALLENGES

In Segment One: LIFE, we considered together the mystery and gift of life. What are humans that God should be concerned about us? We learned that we were originally created to live in relationship with Him and to carry out His will as stewards of His creation.

But then tragedy struck in the Garden of Eden, paradise was lost, and our situation changed forever. However, God's love for us never faltered, even when our world changed and evil, suffering and brokenness became the norm. The human experience went from unbelievably beautiful and good to painful, dangerous, and stressful, but it’s important to remember, God did not leave us.

In fact, God has made a way for us to reestablish the relationship we once had, even while world remains a terribly difficult place to live. From conception to death, we deal with the consequences of the rebellion against God. But one day, God will restore the world, and life will be as perfect as it was at creation. Until then, we will experience many CHALLENGES: the problems, stress, and pain that have been part of human life since the rebellion.

These are some questions that we will explore in this section:

• How do we handle the stress of problems and pain?

• What are the downsides of looking for quick solutions?

• What can we do to prepare for the problems that will come?

Problems, Stress, and Pain

Dealing with the circumstances into which we are born is just the beginning of the challenges we face in life. Problems, pain, and stress are all part of human existence on this earth. They are like mosquitoes in summer. They will always be with us to disrupt our enjoyment of life. Most of the time, they are merely annoying, but they can also cause great harm.

Problems, stress, and pain are related in ways that can make our struggles worse. They can come and go quickly, or they can develop slowly and linger for years. They can affect us physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. They can adversely affect our state of well-being.

It is important to note; in and of themselves, problems and stressors aren't always destructive. They can have a positive influence on our development. We feel good about ourselves when we solve a problem or conquer a challenge. When we overcome difficulty, we gain confidence and a sense of self-worth. Stress can also be a positive influence when it motivates us to protect ourselves or achieve worthy goals that we might not otherwise attempt. In the same way, pain can push us to take action to do the right thing for ourselves. Proverbs 16:26 shows how discomfort can stir us forward when it says

“[a worker’s] mouth urges him on.” (ESV)

However, many times, it is difficult to look beyond the problem to seek the benefit in the future. We can become desperate to find relief when we are stressed out, experiencing unbearable pain, or facing a crushing problem.

Acute Challenges arrive suddenly with no time for us to prepare to meet them. They leave us stunned and feeling helpless. These are the challenges that we cannot see coming. Some examples are accidents, the sudden death of a loved one, an unexpected diagnosis of serious illness, a spouse being unfaithful and leaving, and losing a job without warning. Sometimes, acute challenges arrive quickly and resolve quickly. Others come quickly, and the impact lasts for years or decades.

Chronic Challenges are long-term situations that disrupt our lives. Some examples can include a degenerative illness, financial failure, family conflicts, a loved one's addiction, business failure, incarceration, disability, and caregiving for a loved one.

We will always have to deal with challenges. Unfortunately, if we have several painful events in rapid succession, we can lose touch with the magnitude of stress we carry.

RECOGNIZING THE PAIN AND STRESS YOU CARRY

(A lot can go wrong in life)

Think through the categories of events listed below and circle any that you have experienced in the past two years or are currently experiencing,

Trauma – Unresolved adverse childhood experiences and current life-changing events that result in serious mental health setbacks.

Frustration – Unmet expectations, feeling stuck, feeling fed up, inability to accomplish goals, unwanted change of routine (work, play, sleep, meals)

Death – Loss of a spouse, child, close relative, close friend

Separations – Divorce, incarceration, children leaving home, military deployment, neglect.

Conflict – Marital conflict, conflict with/about children, in-law conflict, workplace conflicts, unresolved family conflicts

Financial – Losing your job, legal problems, taking on debt, foreclosure, cannot meet expenses.

Significant Change – Retirement, changing jobs, moving, changing jobs, lifestyle changes (social, physical, etc.), new child, changes in household members.

Health – Major medical event, disability, care giving for loved one(s)

Seasonal – Vacation, sentimental holidays, and milestones

Shame – Arrest, incarceration, public exposure

Fear – Assault, injury, illness

ANXIETY AND STRESS

So why is everyone so stressed out? Why don't most people smile very often? What causes so many instances of road rage? Why are minor offenses sparking such outrage?

We are flooded with input in a 24/7 news cycle, political discord, natural disasters, violence, racial and ethnic strife, economic uncertainty, active wars and potential wars, and deaths. As the old story of the lead story in the newsroom, "If it bleeds, it leads."

Anxiety affects almost everyone at times in life, especially during troubled times such as war and pandemics. It is not necessarily attached to a specific incident. Anxiety comes and goes without an apparent reason. People can be nervous, fearful, panicky, irritable, and jittery. Muscles can become tense, and sleep is hard to find.

There is plenty to worry about in these times where news travels quickly and continuously. Information is abundant, but it is only sometimes accurate and must be correctly applied. How many of us have had physical symptoms that we searched the internet to diagnose ourselves with some dreadful illness we didn't have?

HOW ARE YOU AFFECTED?

These are some of the effects that stress can have on you:

Disturbed Sleep

Decreased Libido

Self-Isolation

Fatigue

High Blood Pressure

Feeling Ill

Nervousness/Shakiness

Emotionally Unstable

Appetite Change

Strong Emotions

Feeling Depressed

Physical Pain

Irregular Heartbeat

Nausea and Gut Problems

Tense Muscles

Lower Immunity

Living in a high-stress society is very dangerous to your mental and physical health. Chronic stress can wear you out and down and make you vulnerable to self-destructive impulses. You may not realize how vulnerable you have become.

The pain of dealing with problems and the stresses of life can easily create a craving for harmful things that will distract us from our reality and bring us a false sense of comfort. Let’s take some time to really understand the dangers of dealing with stress the wrong way.

Comfort and Dependency

LIFE IS PAINFUL

In the previous topic, we observed that stress and pain are always with us. Stress can have a positive impact on us, but often, it affects us negatively and brings us pain.

Life comes with a generous share of painful situations that affect us mentally, physically, and emotionally. Our pain can be intolerable when serious misfortunes hit us, or a series of distressing events suddenly come our way. Without warning, we may be overwhelmed and suffer unbearable distress.

So how do we manage the stress and conflict that seems to meet us at every turn?

Escape is a very common reaction. All creatures are concerned with self-preservation and getting away from pain.

Consider the lizard. Lizards have tiny brains. They like to lounge in the sun on warm rocks. But when the rocks get scorching hot, they move to a more comfortable place. They are smart enough to know that they don't want to suffer.

Humans have the same escape response to discomfort, but our problems are more difficult to escape than moving off a hot rock. Our problems may take a long time to solve, and some may last a lifetime.

We prefer escaping our feelings rather than learning how to deal with them. We desire what delivers quick relief. It is a natural choice because anybody would choose relief over pain. This bias for comfort is especially true for those who insist on a pleasant life.

Not having a quick fix feels unacceptable in these days of instant gratification. We need to feel better, and we want to feel better right now! It’s easy to reach for a pill, a treatment, or a solution to help us get away from this discomfort.

When in pain, we consider many methods to help soothe our distress. We learn from experience what works best for us. Usually, our sources of comfort distract, numb, or overwhelm us to the point where we forget about our troubles for a while.

When we find methods that seemingly work for us, we stick with them and learn to trust them. We depend on those methods to ease our pain, calm our stress, distract us from our problems, bolster our confidence, and help us relax.

Unfortunately, these methods that sooth our discomfort, without dealing with the problem eventually become a dependency. And therein lies the problem.

We end up craving what will not help us escape the situation causing our pain. The original pain is still there, and the method we are using to cope with the unpleasant effects of the situation makes things even worse.

These dependencies that develop are often destructive in themselves, and our need for them keeps us coming back. Some of the things we turn to distract us from our original problem, calm our stress, numb us to pain, or overwhelm our attention.

Some of these dependencies include risk-taking, excessive exercise, promiscuity, substance abuse, overworking, gambling, sports obsession, hyper-spirituality, disordered eating, self-pity, gaming obsession, seeking attention, and excessive media consumption.

They may cause you to isolate yourself or become so restless that you cannot bear to be alone. Dependencies then become the center of our lives. We get upset when we cannot indulge ourselves. Significant areas of our lives are neglected.

How many of us get uncomfortable when we don't have our phones when we must wait for an appointment or just have a little down time? How many people do you see at a restaurant table looking at their phones and ignoring the people that came with them?

We choose to open the door to our dependencies, and then spiritual, social, biological, and psychological forces begin to make it difficult to experience life without them. There are processes at work that keep us coming back, even when we are being harmed. The pleasure we get from our dependencies will overrule common sense.

Think for a moment about your experience. When you post on social media, which is more exciting? Is it the anticipation of a response, or is it the actual presence of the response? How about when you go to meet that certain someone that you adore? The excitement you feel anticipating the event is very motivating. The tension of anticipation releases when our desire is satisfied. The same is true when you are at a ball game waiting for the next score or gaming, waiting to conquer the next level.

Many dependencies we form keep us coming back because we want MORE. They are very efficient in helping us to escape our present pain and discomfort for a short time.

Dependencies can separate us from realities, but the problems that bother us will remain. The pain will come back when the numbness wears off.

THERE IS A BETTER WAY TO LIVE. TRUST IN GOD

Our natural tendency is to choose quick and easy solutions when hurting. There are severe consequences to that choice. When we go down that path, we are once again acting as if God cannot be trusted. That attitude is an echo of the Enemy whispered to Eve.

Our first resource is always turning to God and trusting Him to help us in our times of need. We honor Him when we trust Him. A big part of Living Free is learning to pray and ask God for his help and guidance on the steps we should take. One way you can strengthen your relationship with God, is to read the Bible. Consider these passages that speak directly to the experience of dealing with stress, pain, and anxiety:

Psalms 118:5-6

When hard pressed, I cried to the LORD; he brought me into a spacious place. The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?

Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Isaiah 40:31

…but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Psalm 16:8

I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

These verses show us how much God wants to be WITH us during our difficult times. Trials are opportunities to experience His faithfulness. Make Him your first dependency, and you will avoid the grief of bondage to destructive dependencies.

There is nothing wrong with seeking help from other credible resources as long as they do not encourage you to participate in things that are not contrary to God's Word.

We will look more at the process and benefits of making God your first resource in our final topic in this book.

But for now, it's time to learn to be resilient.

Resilience

If our goal is to lead a meaningful life, we must develop resilience because events will come and knock us off course. Resilience is a strong theme throughout the scriptures, and the secret is to learn to trust God and his resources to see us through.

When facing a challenging situation, a resilient person can accept their circumstances, endure hardship, see beyond their present circumstances, and focus on the goal of life.

Nowhere are we promised an easy life. However, a resilient person can find enjoyment in difficult situations and is better prepared to handle stress.

The early Christians endured persecution from many sources. When we think we are having a bad day, it helps to be familiar with the circumstances faced by some early leaders.

Read this passage describing the personal experiences of the Apostle Paul and those who traveled with him. Underline his description of the stresses they endured. Then, notice what kept him in the fight. These men could have been comfortable if they had just given up their message and walked away.

2 Corinthians 4:8-11

In every way we're troubled, but we aren't crushed by our troubles. We're frustrated, but we don't give up. We're persecuted, but we're not abandoned. We're captured, but we're not killed. We always carry around the death of Jesus in our bodies so that the life of Jesus is also shown in our bodies. While we are alive, we are constantly handed over to death for Jesus' sake so that the life of Jesus is also shown in our mortal nature. Death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. The following is written, "I believed; therefore, I spoke." We have that same spirit of faith. We also believe; therefore, we also speak. We know that the one who brought the Lord Jesus back to life will also bring us back to life through Jesus. He will present us to God together with you

The opposite of resilience is compliance, which allows life circumstances to form your response. When life knocks a compliant person down, they tend to stay down and suffer negative feelings. They seek the quick fixes that leave them disappointed and dependent on the things they trust to help them.

THE GREATEST QUALITY OF A NATURALLY RESILIENT PERSON

The military Special Forces operators are known for their resilience. They are trained as small teams to complete challenging missions in areas where they are usually greatly outnumbered.

They are clear on their mission and understand the sacrifices they will make to fulfill their assignment. They don't know what to expect when they reach their target. They make good decisions and adapt to constantly changing circumstances. They are trained to deal with extreme stress of every type.

An article on the Special Operations Forces Report website reports that all candidates in Special Operations Training have one essential quality. They respond to stress in their lives with a heightened sense of motivation.

The report goes on to say: "Someone once told me that the difference between a regular person and a Special Forces soldier was that a regular person looked upon everything that happened in their lives as either a blessing or a curse. The Special Forces soldier looks upon everything that happens in his life as a challenge."

https://sofrep.com/specialoperations/what-makes-a-successful-special-operation-forces-candidate/

We can learn much from those who have learned to operate under intense stress. But stress takes a toll on everyone, even those used to it, like Special Forces operators, first responders, and others who deal with trauma on a regular basis.

Most of us are civilians and have not fought such intense physical battles. But the point of training to deal with stress applies to us, too.

When we are in a stressful situation, we should see it as a challenge to overcome and not a defeat to endure. We can allow the challenge to inspire us to draw on God's resources and refuse to be defeated even if we get knocked down. We CAN get up and move forward.

HERE ARE QUALITIES THAT CAN HELP ENERGIZE US WHEN FACING ADVERSITY AND STRESS. What is needed to build resilience?

A Mission: We need to know what we have been created to accomplish. To love and be loved by God, to be an example of his image (we are to actively develop his character), to be stewards of his resources, and to share the Good News that God has reconciled to us and we can be reconciled to him and have a new life.

Experience: We can allow minor problems to teach us how to react to the major ones.

Experience is a great resource when facing difficult situations. We must pay attention to how we and others cope with crisis and learn from those experiences.

Right Thinking: When we are faced with a challenge, we need to accept it and understand what we are facing. It is what it is. We must not fall into the trap of letting our thoughts run wild, imagining the worst possible outcome. This mental discipline can help keep emotions under control.

Endurance: Wean yourself from insisting on having a comfortable life. Learn to trust God during difficult times. Be willing to work through the discomfort and resist the urge to numb out or escape into entertainment for distraction.

Perseverance: Sailors would tell one another to "hold fast." They would tattoo their knuckles with the words to remind each other to hold the rigging tightly while high above the deck. They were to "stay true" to their course when steering the ship.

Remember: We must consider how God helped us in the past. In Old Testament times, when God brought someone through an uncertain time, they might stack rocks as a reminder of his faithfulness. Whenever someone saw that stack, they would remember God is faithful.

Prepare: We can use the easy times to draw close to God, understand how to see beyond this life, learn t to trust his promises, and build the qualities of a mature faith as we grow in goodness, knowledge, self-control, perseverance, godliness, and love.

Support: It is imperative to build a network of trusted friends where we receive support, and also help others

in times of need. We must each find a team or tribe where we belong and help one another.

Trust God: Develop a relationship with God. We must take time to learn to pray, read His Word, be filled with His Spirit, and launch on projects that take us out of our comfort zone. We need to attempt things beyond our abilities, to grow in faith.

Give Thanks: Showing gratitude will boost your sense of well-being to new levels. Give thanks to God for the good things of the day. Thank God for the challenges and what you learned from facing adversity.

Develop Qualities of Excellence: We will list them here but will study them in more detail in Segment Four of the book and training, if we build our lives around these qualities, we will never fail and enjoy a fruitful and meaningful life. These qualities are Faith, Goodness, Knowledge, Self-control, Perseverance, Godliness, Brotherly Kindness, and Sacrificial Love.

Our next segment, Choices, will take us deeper into our decisions that will enable us to fulfill our life mission or hold us back from completing it.

SEGMENT THREE: CHOICES

Previously, we considered that we had no choice about many critical events and circumstances that have shaped us into the person we are today. We are each unique individuals, but we all share a similar desire to live a happy and pleasant life. But happiness that is only based on our life circumstances is always temporary.

A relationship with God gives a unique sense of well-being, not dependent on circumstances or feelings. This relationship provides us with everything we need to thrive and to be resilient during difficult times.

Unfortunately, even with all the advantages of a relationship with God, there are times when we intentionally make wrong decisions and push in self-destructive directions.

Humans are not machines that perform perfectly all the time. Sometimes, we break the pursuit of a good life and do stupid things. We know the right things to do but choose the wrong things anyway. We are broken creatures with an appetite to pursue things against God's nature. We are tempted to ignore what we know is right and good and involve ourselves in sin. So, we have more to worry about than the external risks we face. There is an internal threat to our well-being. We can be our own worst enemies.

One wrong choice can change the course of a life, and when we make those choices, we have no idea where they might lead. This begs an important question: Why would someone become involved in something that could harm and possibly trap them?

Most people have no plan for how to deal with the hardships of living. They don't anticipate the intensity of the struggles that often come. In these following segments, we will prepare for the battles we will face, we will also identify the resources available, and help one another move forward when we feel defeated.

Decisions

PLANS TAKE YOU ONLY SO FAR

We can anticipate what difficulties might come our way and imagine ways that we would react. We can even make battle plans, but there is no way to really tell how we may respond when the pressure is on, or circumstances change. We all have times when our resilience falters.

The Bible uses examples of competitions such as wrestling, boxing, running, and war to describe situations we may face in life. In any of these conflicts, things seldom go according to plan. As a famous boxer once said “Everyone has a plan - until they get punched in the mouth.”

When planning our strategy in a comfortable chair, the world seems different than when we are in a fight and take a punch. Everything gets foggy and unreal as we struggle to recover our senses and reorient ourselves. Building resilience and planning for adversity is essential. But some forces come against us unexpectedly that we cannot defeat alone.

WHY IS LIVING A LIFE OF GOODNESS DIFFICULT AT TIMES?

Three overwhelming influences work against us as we grow into the person God has designed us to be. These forces are everywhere and challenge us constantly. Thankfully, we don't have to struggle on our own. We have access to far more powerful resources to overcome any challenge.

This portion of Ephesians 2:2-3 gives us a look at the three forces we must constantly deal with. They are known as the world, the flesh, and the devil.

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. (ESV)

Another version expresses the thought of the passage in more contemporary language.

... we were all guilty of falling headlong for the persuasive passions of this world; we all have had our fill of indulging the flesh and mind, obeying impulses to follow perverse thoughts motivated by dark powers.

(The Voice)

Let's look closer at each of these three opponents so that we know what to expect when they oppose us.

OUR FALLEN HUMAN NATURE

Humans are broken creatures with an appetite to be involved in things against God's nature and design. Nobody is exempt from this conflict, not even one of the most outstanding leaders in history. The Apostle Paul wrote:

I know that in me, that is, in my fallen human nature, there is nothing good. I can will myself to do something good, but that does not help me carry it out. I can determine that I am going to do good, but I don't do it; instead, I end up living out the evil that I decided not to do.

Romans 7:18-19 (The Voice)

The problem is that humans continue to follow a desire to be independent of God and reject a relationship with Him, even though He wants to help them through the troubles that the first rebellion brought on the world. That is why we are told: Don't fall in love with this corrupt world or worship the things it can offer.

1 John 2:15 (The Voice)

THE FALLEN WORLD

When the Bible speaks of “the world,” it can mean the actual physical earth, but more often that phrase refers to the world that was corrupted by the invasion of sin. We are told not to become attached to the world as it is. The world under the evil influence of the adversary of God is corrupted and also corrupts those who live only for the life they know now.

The world offers the immoral desires that our fallen nature craves, the desire to have more things, and pride when feeling superior to others because of what we have and accomplish.

Let’s read again from John 2:15-17, in two different versions of the Bible:

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever (ESV)

Here is how the same passage reads in The Voice Translation:

Don't fall in love with this corrupt world or worship the things it can offer. Those who love its corrupt ways don't have the Father's love living within them. All the things the world can offer to you—the allure of pleasure, the passion to have things, and the pompous sense of superiority—do not come from the Father. These are the rotten fruits of this world. This corrupt world is already wasting away, as are its selfish desires. But the person really doing God's will—that person will never cease to be.

So, we can see from this text, the world is passing away, winding down, and dying. And those who only live for this broken world will die and be buried in it. But those who submit to God, follow His will, and seek a good life will never cease.

THE EVIL ADVERSARY

In the New Testament, the devil is called the accuser, the evil one, the tempter, the old snake, the great dragon, the god of this world, the father of lies, and a murderer from the beginning. He is the enemy of God and everything God created.

He is God's evil adversary who tempted the first humans to rebel against God. The word “devil” has a base meaning of “to separate from” or “to accuse.” The devil tries to separate humans from God and one another. His mission is to destroy God's work, and his method is to deceive, tempt, and ruin lives and relationships. His work planted doubt in Eve's mind that God is good. He lied to her that no harm would come if she dishonored God by betraying him. He lied when he told her she would be an equal if she listened to his advice.

The devil tried to kill those God created out of love before they could multiply. He wanted to see God destroy the firstborn of humanity. That is why he is called a murderer from the beginning, and he continues to be an instigator of evil.

1 Peter 5:8-9 speaks about his dangerous presence and evil motives.

Most importantly, be disciplined and stay on guard. Your enemy, the devil, is prowling around outside like a roaring lion, just waiting and hoping for the chance to devour someone. Resist him and be strong in your faith, knowing that your brothers and sisters throughout the world are fellow sufferers with you.

Understanding Entanglements

RESULTS OF UNWISE DECISIONS

We do not develop self-destructive lifestyles out of the blue. Often, we make unwise decisions when we are hurt, bored, lonely, or just curious. Without giving it much thought, we decide to indulge ourselves in something that can lead to a lifetime of entanglement and chaos. We can also get trapped by things essential for life, such as jobs and making a living. Without balance, these good things can take all our time and attention and destroy precious relationships.

Just because we are not addicted to drugs or alcohol does not mean that other socially acceptable things are not leading us to self-harm. Anything that holds you back from growing into the person God designed you to have the potential to not only limit your future but can ultimately destroy your life.

So, a person may look perfectly functional on the outside but be hindered internally from thriving and living a meaningful and fruitful life.

BEWARE OF THE BEARS

In Living Free groups, people learn to beware of the BEARS, which distract us and hinder us from moving forward and enjoying a productive and satisfying life.

These BEARS are destructive substitutes for the resources God promises to provide for us to live well. We are attracted to them because of our environment (the world), our demand for instant relief (our fallen nature), and the false promises of God's enemy, (the devil,) who wants to deceive and destroy us.

Here are some BEARS to avoid.

Behaviors: Eating disorders, self-mutilation, flirting, fantasy, pornography, promiscuity, lust, shoplifting, gaming, gambling, device dependency, media binging, work, sports, hobbies

Emotions: Anger, despair, grief, fear, depression

Attitudes: Negative thinking, self-pity, bitterness, envy, pride, unforgiveness, destructive attitudes, racial/ ethnic prejudice, an unhealthy fixation on pleasure, things, admiration, wealth, power, fame

Relationships: Inappropriate emotional attachments, codependency, adultery

Substances: Using food to sooth, illegal drug use, smoking, vaping, prescription medication abuse

Obviously, this is not an exhaustive list of things to be aware of, but we need to recognize how actions and values can easily become idols, and substitutes for God. Whatever we turn to cope with life and feel better about ourselves becomes our new god.

Behavior, emotion, attitude, relationship, or substance abuse gradually becomes a normal part of life. However, a predictable chain of events leads to a life-controlling problem.

Here is a saying that describes the progress of thoughts to outcome and destiny.

Sow a thought, reap an action.

Sow an action, reap a habit.

Sow a habit, reap your character

Sow your character, reap your destiny

This system of progressing from thought to outcome can either work in a positive way or a negative way. If you are sowing productive and positive thoughts which build to good actions, habits, you will cultivate a good character and positive destiny. BUT the same path can easily work in a negative way as well. Let’s explore that negative progression for a moment. We refer to it as “The Trap.”

People who become entrapped by life-controlling issues follow a predictable pattern. We are usually lured into experimenting with a dangerous substance, behavior, or relationship because we will feel "high" or exhilarated. Whether the experience involves alcohol or other drugs, illicit sex, pornographic literature, work, sports, gambling, excessive spending, or another avenue to addiction, the pattern and result are similar.

We call this pattern the Trap because it often snares its victims before they realize what is happening. Every person has the potential to experience a life-controlling problem—no one is automatically exempt. Even though no one plans to be trapped by such a problem, it can happen without a person's being aware. Dr. Jimmy Ray Lee, founder of Living Free, states, "No one ever plans to be trapped by a life-controlling problem, yet it happens all the time."

There are four stages to The Trap:

Experimentation

In this first stage, something catches your attention and looks like fun. It may be as a result of peer pressure, thrill-seeking, curiosity, or just a need to relax. And as we try out this new indulgence, we experience pleasant feelings and can easily return to normal without adverse consequences.

Everyone begins with the first step. It often seems innocent. Maybe a role-playing game, perhaps a hobby, or even a new job or a new relationship. It feels exciting, full of new possibilities. It doesn't feel dangerous. You think it’s easy to stay within given boundaries and you feel a sense of growing trust in the effects.

But even in the early stages of experimentation, it’s easy to move into a growing fascination and even infatuation. This leads to behavior changes. You start employing more secrecy in daily routines. Your other relationships begin to suffer, priorities change, and you start building walls, isolating yourself from those who would challenge your new choices.

Socialization

In this stage, your experimentation allows you to make new friends and meet people who agree with your lifestyle changes and accept you as you are. This new crowd becomes your support system as you become part of a new clan.

You begin associating the actions you are taking with good times. Conversations are easy, and there is much to talk about as you share common interests with this new group of people. You have a place to go on weekends, and it feels good to spend time with friends who don't judge you.

You also begin avoiding those who caution you or disagree with your new lifestyle. You set "safe" limits on your actions or indulgence in what is your new source of comfort.

At this point, you are happy with your life and are confident that the rules you have in place will protect you from any danger your choices might create. In this second stage, your trust in your dependency grows as you indulge regularly, but still operate within rules that govern your use or our behavior.

Preoccupation

In a healthy lifestyle, our survival depends on being motivated to complete tasks necessary to stay alive and thrive. When we finish one of these tasks, our brains reward us with a rush of chemicals that trigger pleasant feelings. This is a healthy feedback loop that helps want to repeat actions and tasks to keep us alive and healthy.

Unfortunately, this response is not limited to survival needs. It also can drive us to pursue other experiences to tap into our mental “reward system.” In substance abuse treatment, this response is called "seeking the high."

In the larger context, it is commonly called an obsession or preoccupation. There are several experiences that may trigger preoccupation. Be aware if you are always anticipating the next: compliment or affirmation, “Like" or comment on a Facebook post, lottery result, card to turn, slot machine spin, drink, smoke, toke, purchase, thrill, conquest, flirtation, pornographic image, television show, news story, or tidbit of gossip, close call, sale made, prospect identified, stock market report, completing a level of a video game, run, workout or lost pound.

Symptoms of Preoccupation:

During the Preoccupation stage of “The Trap,” we look for ways to easily meet our growing need. Maybe it’s by having "stashes" at home, in the automobile, or at work. Or making plans to always be in a location where we can get our “fix” at a given time. There is a growing need for the experience and the pleasant feelings that come with it; a craving develops; it is like hunger and thirst, becomes part of daily experience, and dependency grows more intense.

Our preoccupation or obsession grows more and more until we begin to neglect important responsibilities and we even lose touch with people who should be close to us. We violate personal values, break our own rules, and engage in risky behaviors. Life becomes more and more centered on having, enjoying, and repeating the desired experience.

In this third stage, we are losing our ability to stay within socially accepted boundaries. Our lives are unraveling, and our top priority is seeking the high that we are beginning to need, not just want.

Domination

People in this fourth stage of “The Trap” have lost their freedom as their desires now dominate their lives. They lose all dignity and are willing to sacrifice everything to get what they crave. Essential areas of their lives get neglected, relationships disintegrate, and they spiral out of control into chaos. What used to bring a pleasant high, is now needed constantly just to feel close to normal.

People in this stage believe the lies they tell themselves. They may be physically dependent on an addictive substance. Their pain and shame are constant, so they go deeper into whatever they use to escape reality.

This condition is often called rock bottom. You are stuck, blind, and isolated, and you cannot see any alternatives. Only some people will fall this deep, but anyone who starts down this path risks losing every chance of happiness identified in topic one.

Positive Relationships -- Gone

Self-Esteem -- Gone

Independence -- Gone

Respect of Others -- Gone

Accomplishment -- Gone

Meaningful Life – Gone

Spiritual Dynamics of Entanglement

Delusion, secrecy, and isolation combine to entangle us in self-defeating and destructive lifestyles. Genesis

chapter three speaks of how these elements worked together to influence the first humans to break trust with the Creator.

We can see these three forces at work whenever we find ourselves or others entangled by sin. To help one another live free in Christ, we must develop a real understanding of how these choices separate us from one another and God and are the building blocks of a life-controlling problem.

DELUSION

Everyone is prone to deny the truth until they reach the point of delusion. Few people can see themselves as others see them. We have a distorted idea of how we appear to others that doesn't match reality. That is why, in Living Free, we concentrate on helping people see themselves accurately by reducing the areas where they are blind to themselves. As we quickly recognize and respond to the truth, we are less likely to become deluded and develop life-controlling issues.

Denial is the early refusal to believe the truth about our actions. People in denial know what they are doing is wrong, but they refuse to admit the truth and instead choose to rationalize their behavior. Continued denial leads to delusion, a condition where people no longer recognize the truth about their actions; they sincerely believe their excuses and become blind to the facts. In the end, denial of the truth will lead to destruction.

In this chapter, we observe how we get entangled and trapped.

· God sets boundaries for a purpose.

· There are consequences for violating those boundaries

· The tempter plants the idea that God is unfair and holds them back

· The tempter distorts the truth and denies the consequences of breaking trust with God

· The tempter lies to them that they can be like God if they break their trust

· They believe the lie and are deluded

· They sin against God and break the trust

· They realize their error

· They try to cover what they did and hide from God

· They blame the tempter, one another, and God for what happened

· They become isolated from God and each other

· They experience the terrible consequences of what they did.

Creation suffers the consequences

After a stronghold has developed, and a person is entangled, the delusion that blinds the person becomes very dark and difficult to penetrate. It is crucial to continue lovingly and patiently to confront the person's delusion and never give up—even when it seems the effort is not producing results.

Deluded people sincerely believe the lies they tell themselves and others. These lies are a web woven by Satan to keep the deluded person from believing the truth about a behavior, substance abuse, harmful relationship, or other developing problem.

Dr. Jimmy Ray Lee states, “Delusion is not seeing, recognizing, or acting in truth.”

When people develop life-controlling issues, their delusion becomes so dark that those confronting them with the truth often get discouraged and give up. Even though we may not see any hint of change, it is crucial to continue our loving confrontation.

Jeffrey VanVonderen states:

“Quite some time ago, I heard a statistic that has remained with me and has been a great source of comfort to many families with whom I have worked.

The statistic states that an average of fifty-four confrontations of his chemical problem are necessary for a dependent person to realize he has a chemical problem. This would be depressing to those trying to help a chemically dependent person, but it has the potential to be very freeing and encouraging. The statistic means that there is hope that people eventually realize their need for help. It means one person only carries part of the burden of helping someone realize his problem. It means that each individual step or effort is well-spent, even if it does not appear as such at the time. (97)”

Take some time to consider these Bible verses concerning the power and danger of delusion. The Prophet Isaiah speaks to the power of delusion in the life of people devoted to an idol. Isaiah comments on the blindness of a man who cuts down a tree and uses part of it to carve an idol, which he worships, while the other part is burned to cook dinner.

Isa. 44:17b- 18, 20

He prays to it and says, 'Save me; you are my god.' They know nothing, they understand nothing; their eyes are plastered over so they cannot see, and their minds closed so they cannot understand. He cannot save himself or say, 'Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?'

Psalm 10: 6

He says to himself, "Nothing will shake me; I'll always be happy and never have trouble."

2 Corinthians 4:4

The God of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers so they cannot see the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God.

See also Psalm 10: 11 and Jeremiah 23:26-29

SECRECY

Secrecy allows us to hide. Even though delusion helps us justify our sins, we know others would not approve of our decisions, so some of us develop a secret life. This secret life hides our guilt and prevents those who care for us from helping. Life-controlling problems grow in the soil of secrecy.

Secret lives are deadly to the spiritual well-being of individuals and churches. Unfortunately, unless people have a safe place to deal with the sin that may entangle them, they will continue to be crippled by their secret guilt and shame. The ministry gifts they could contribute to the cause of Christ will be lost, and the whole church will suffer.

We see mankind first employing secrecy after the first sin in the Garden of Eden.

Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as He was walking in the garden in the cool

of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden.

Genesis 3:8-10

But the LORD God called to the man, "Where are you?" He answered, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.

ISOLATION

When a destructive stronghold develops, we isolate ourselves from people who love us enough to confront us with the truth about what we are doing.

Concerning isolation, Bill Perkins writes:

“As the problem intensifies, their delusional system allows them to justify their isolation. Since they've learned to lie to themselves, lying to others is easy.

Gradually, they hold onto their idol with both hands, turning their back on the only One who offers them hope for deliverance. (39) Some people who drift away from our congregations may isolate themselves because they are discouraged in their struggles.”

The Bible speaks clearly to the destructiveness of isolation.

Proverbs 18:1, NKJV

A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; He rages against all wise judgment.

You can see how delusion, secrecy and isolation work to create a cycle of cover-up, relapse, and despair. As long as we're deluded and hiding, no amount of willpower can free us from the issues that master us.

Staying in isolation leads to a downward spiral of secrecy, from cover-up to relapse, despair, and more coverup. We may resist for a while, but relapse is inevitable.

This repeated pattern leaves us feeling hopeless. We become ever more deluded, defensive, secretive, and isolated from natural feelings and people who love us.

Personal Dynamics of Entanglement

It seems ridiculous, but many people are surprised to find themselves entrapped in self-destructive situations. People around them watch with alarm as their loved one's life falls apart. They are much more concerned about the situation than their loved one is.

When we understand how entanglements develop, it becomes clear how people can deceive themselves and ignore how dangerous their situation is.

DENIAL,

Denial – Refusing to believe the truth

Defenses – Justifying our bad behavior

Delusion – Sincerely believing the lies we’ve told ourselves and others

Denial: When a person denies wrong choices and behaviors, their thinking becomes distorted. Before long they cannot see that their own choices and behavior is causing difficult consequences.

Problems grow, Secrets Grow

Blindness increases, Openness Decreases

Defenses: We want to avoid feeling the pain that being honest or leveling with God, ourselves, and others would bring. This is why we use defenses to hide from the truth. The defenses become walls that keep us isolated, deluded, and entangled in sin.

God designed painful feelings to be a warning system.

Painful feelings tell us when to pay attention to something in our lives. When we ignore negative feelings resulting from our misbehavior, we can become deluded about what is in our hearts. Buried feelings may explode to the surface when we least expect them, making our problems even worse. Two common feelings, fear, and anger are under the surface of many issues, although many other feelings can also be involved.

Defenses help us cover up sin and maintain our delusion.

Defenses can be used appropriately, but when we use them to avoid facing the truth about ourselves, they make delusions even darker. When we don't want to face the truth about our actions because of the painful feelings honesty would bring, we try using defenses to cover the truth or excuse ourselves. Each person has a favorite set of defenses.

The Bible says the truth shall set you free. And it's interesting because the fear of the truth coming out is ten times worse than the embarrassment, even the ongoing embarrassment, of the actual truth. Remember what these individuals said in the video?

“When [the truth] came out, it was like I was free from this ton of bricks I'd been carrying around, the double life I was living.” -Gil

“It was like trying to keep an air balloon underwater. Have you ever tried that? It's hard work, and a person works hard to keep those feelings down . . . from facing the real issues. But you know that balloon will pop up—that's why you have emotional outbursts: people losing their temper—There's something buried there.”—Ray.

Take time to consider these commonly used defenses:

Defensiveness is motivated by fear.

Behind most, if not all, defensive strategies lie the fear of being exposed for who we really are. When we use defenses to hide from the truth, we build a wall brick by brick. This wall protects us from the truth and provides a secret place for us to hide. Unfortunately, the wall also isolates us from people who can help us.

Take time to look at these Bible verses concerning defenses:

Rationalizing:

David rationalized Uriah's death—

David told the messengers, "Say this to Joab: Don't let this upset you; the sword devours one as well as another."

2 Samuel 11: 25

Blaming:

The man said, "The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it . . ." The woman said, "The serpent deceived me."

Genesis 3:12–13

Denying:

Then the LORD asked Cain, "Where is your brother Abel?" "I don't know," he replied. Genesis 4:9

Acting Superior:

In his own eyes, he flatters himself too much to detect or hate his sin. Psalm 36:2

The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: "God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector." Luke 18:11

Delusion:

Delusion causes blindness; eventually, the person cannot see the truth.

Delusion is the belief that something true is not true or that something that is not true is true; it is a distortion of reality.

Delusion is a false belief system in which we see things that are true but act as though they are not true. When we reject the truth and deny the facts over some time, the result is a delusion. Eventually, those controlled by a substance, behavior, or relationship lie to themselves so long that they become blind to the destruction they cause our friends, families, or themselves.

This is a good place to stop for a moment and ask this question:

Acting superior

Agreeing

Analyzing

Attacking

Being smug

Blaming

Complying

Debating

Defying

Denying

Evading/ Dodging

Explaining Frowning

Generalizing Glaring

Grinning

Intellectualizing

Interrogating

Intimidating

Joking

Judging

Justifying

Minimizing

“How do I know if a dependency is self-defeating or self-destructive?”

Take a break from it for three days and see how you react.

Projecting

Protecting

Questioning

Rationalizing

Staring

Staying silent

Switching

Theorizing

Threatening

Verbalizing/ Talking

Withdrawing

Do you pay attention to it at the expense of time with people present with you?

Do you interact with it mindlessly at every, or most idle moment?

How much time do you think about it?

Ask someone you spend time with what they notice.

Are you neglecting responsibilities to engage/interact with?

We don't have to be completely crushed by the consequences of our decisions to be hindered in our growth. Just being wounded will take you out of the battle.

How Our Choices Affect Ourselves and Others

As we have seen in this study, people often believe the delusion that their struggles do not affect anyone but themselves. That is not true. Neither is it true that self-defeating choices won't matter if no one else knows about them.

Our poor choices keep us from being available to the people who should mean the most to us. The pain we experience keeps us from being available emotionally and even physically. Our struggles create walls around us that keep people at a distance. We may feel worried, afraid, shameful, and guilty. We lose the ability to care for others when we ourselves are hurting so much.

Our problem keeps us from doing our work. We are distracted and hinder others when we constantly think about our situation. We are increasingly self-absorbed.

One of the worst lies we tell ourselves when we exhibit self-defeating behaviors is that we are not harming anyone but ourselves. That is not true. People who love us are suffering the loss of the relationship they once had.

That said, there is a cost associated with being ruled by our dependencies. And it always seems to cost something that you love. Choosing the easy path is expensive.

When we are entangled or dominated by our cravings, there are significant losses, including: the loss of touch with self the loss of being alienated from family. the loss of self-respect the loss of reputation the loss of friends the loss of time and opportunities the loss of control of emotions the loss of finances

At the moment of temptation, we may not be counting the cost or considering the losses, but it is true that the more entangled our lives are with dependencies, the more costly our losses will be.

To escape this destructive behavior, we must be willing to take an inventory of the damage being done, realize the price we are willing to pay and employ the help of trusted friends and family members who can help us make some difficult changes in our lives.

WHAT HOLDS YOU BACK?

It is true that not every person goes to the fullest extreme of developing a life-controlling problem. Many entertain dangerous things in their lives, but can still maintain some control, and they don't progress past a certain point. But even though some people may not suffer the direst of consequences, their lives and their loved ones are still affected. These people have become dependent on something that keeps them from being all they are created to be.

Any time we lose our dependence on God and settled for some other small comfort, we are losing ground, and we are setting ourselves up for defeat. It may be self-pity, anger, hopelessness, financial success, seeking fame, and so on. But these things hold us back and distract us from developing the character that will let others see God's image in our life. These things hold us back from loving ourselves and others the way that God loves.

Many people today are addicted to drugs and alcohol. Because these substance addictions are so obviously destructive, they get the primary attention of the public. People can get physically dependent on having these chemicals in their bodies. A drug or alcohol addiction brings a heavy financial, social, and spiritual burden to society, individuals, and families.

But we have also mentioned other behaviors, emotions, substances, and attitudes that create a false sense of pleasure and growing dependency. We are delighted by the surprise and anticipate the next pleasurable reaction. These types of enticements surround us and leave us wanting more, and more and more. And when we get more, we are delighted and want to repeat the experience.

The world today is full of these experiences. We post something on social media and keep checking for responses. When someone responds, we are delighted and get positive stimulation that causes us to want even more. It is the same with gambling, gaming, scrolling through screens on our devices, a phone call from a friend, a ding from a notification, and so it goes. While we are now “connected” 24/7 we are constantly distracted, and we lose touch with the more essential things. We are ruined for long conversations, reading, downtime, and sleep.

While we cannot totally avoid the crush of distractions, we can and must take time to disconnect from the online world and take time to develop our relationship with God.

HOW'S THAT WORKING FOR YOU?

We need to ask ourselves this question often. It is easy to get distracted and veer off course. No person is free from delusions. We all become blind to the issues holding us back in life. We can become trapped and selfdestructive at any time.

It is not enough to just have head knowledge of these principles. We must be aware of what is happening in our thoughts and actions. We need trustworthy people who love us enough to tell us the truth when they see us going off track. And we must continue to be willing to listen. We need others to help us and we need to be willing and available to help others.

The fourth session will explore how we can help ourselves and others get back on the right path and continue this Living Free journey and a well-lived life.

SEGMENT FOUR: FREEDOM

We have heard much about what can go wrong in life, the cost of wrong choices, dependencies, and losses. We need to acknowledge these things, but discussing our struggles is difficult. We all need a safe environment where we can discuss our lives openly with trusted friends.

It is easy to step off the path of growth and fall away from the life that God desires for us. We may be overcome by circumstances and temptations. We sometimes willfully leave the path to pursue pleasures that promise fulfillment but leave us empty.

Even the strongest people can become entangled and trapped in predicaments they never imagined they would experience. Everyone is vulnerable, and it is not wise to think that any of us are immune to failure. And when someone fails, we have a responsibility to that person to help and not harm them. Here is what the Bible has to say:

Brothers and sisters, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

Gal 6:1-2, ESV

When we leave the path, there is always a way back. When this happens, we are to help one another gently. There is no need for harshness. God can restore things that we lost in our wandering, but we may return home scarred by wounds we received while we wandered.

As the saying goes, prevention is the best cure. That is why Living Free is appropriate for everyone, not just for those who are currently in serious difficulty.

You will enjoy your time with Living Free ministry if you are someone who: is doing well but knows the wisdom of a spiritual checkup. wants to grow in relationship with Christ. desires to help others who are lost or trapped in life’s problems. is experimenting with a potentially self-destructive experience. is uncomfortable being around people who challenge your self-defeating choices. is hindered in your spiritual journey because of an unhealthy dependency. is trapped in a self-destructive pattern of living.

Freedom - The Way Back

As we considered in the last session, our experiences, thoughts, behaviors, and resulting habits set the pattern for the kind of person we will become. Everyone makes choices each day that result in either positive or negative outcomes.

It is good for everyone to have a safe place where they may conduct an audit of their life and make corrections when necessary. Living Free is such a place.

An honest spiritual audit helps prevent problems from overcoming us and provides a path out when we are trapped. In this session we will consider several aspects of a life inventory, including evaluation of our current situation, developing some skills that will help us navigate life, and why establishing a close relationship with God will lead us to fulfilling our ultimate purpose.

STOP, LOOK, AND LISTEN TO YOUR LIFE

Railroad crossings are some of the most dangerous obstacles drivers encounter. Years ago, railroad crossings had signs posted warning drivers to, “Stop, Look, and Listen.”

This is still good advice for drivers, but it is also good advice for us as we journey through life. For years at a time, we “drive” as fast as we can through life. We hardly notice the events of our lives as we experience them in a blur. This creates a lot of problems.

Stop

We cannot process life’s events, emotions, and consequences properly when traveling at high speed. For this reason, God gave us a day of rest every week, to reflect on life, family, friends, and our relationship to Him. We need time to think about how we are doing, the health of our relationships, and our God-given goals. We need to know if we are spending our limited number of days wisely. Time is the most valuable commodity we have, and it is limited. To make it more complicated, we don't know how much time we have left. It pays for us to stop and take account of our life.

Keep in mind our highest goals of a good life are:

· To love, know, and enjoy a relationship with God.

· To grow in character and show in our lives what God is like.

· To leave a legacy of goodness

Here are some ways you can be intentional in taking time to Stop:

Take a weekly Sabbath to rest and reflect.

Set aside time every day to plan and pray for your spiritual development.

Evaluate if you are achieving your spiritual goals.

Look

Life gets smaller the longer we are ruled by our dependencies. We focus our attention on the things that get us through the day, and we lose touch with other areas of our lives. Relationships, work, goals, learning, spiritual and physical development, even caring for others, disappear from our field of vision. We are consumed by desire for our next “fix” whether it’s the next time we can be with that person, take that drug, have a drink, buy another thing, master that next game, or be the center of attention,

So, once you take time to stop, become settled and still, it is time to look around and assess your situation in all directions. Without this time to regroup, it is easy to become disoriented when life is coming at us hard and fast. We need to keep our wits about us and realign ourselves to the bearing that will direct us where we need to go. To stay sane, we need to focus on the big picture, especially when little details are going wrong and diverting our attention.

Here are more ways we need to “look”:

Look Up

How small we are in the universe, and how much bigger God is than all of creation. He is all-powerful and glorious, and yet He is willing to be concerned about what is happening in our seemingly insignificant life. It is His love that makes us valuable.

Look Down

Take time to look at yourself; who are you, where are you, and what does your life mean? Are your basic needs met? Beyond the basics, do you have access to those that will walk alongside you and help you to thrive? Have you settled your heart on living a good, purposeful life with meaning, or are you still seeking only a pleasant and happy life? What will your legacy be?

Look Behind

What valuable experience have you gained? What harm have you endured? Do you have any open, lingering issues or on-going situations that need to be settled? What things in your past hinder you from becoming the person you desire to be, and doing the things you are called to do?

Look Inside

What are your values and what do you want? Look deeply at your life and view it considering the plan God has set out for you. Do you view yourself the same way the Bible says God sees you?

Look Beside

Who are the family members that you rely on? Which ones rely on you? Who are your 3-5 trusted friends? What larger support systems can you depend upon? Do you have a tribe?

Look Ahead

What is your primary goal in life that you can accomplish, regardless of your circumstances? Have you aligned your goals with the purpose for which God created you? What are you currently doing to fulfill those goals? Have you shared these goals with other trusted friends or mentors who can hold you accountable to pressing on?

Listen

Whenever we step off the path, we remove ourselves from the company of trusted friends and others who care about us and can give us wise feedback. Alone, we are likely to be deceived by our own selfish desires and isolation.

That is why in Living Free we emphasize that there are three conditions that work together to separate us from our calling and our relationship with God. These counter-productive conditions are Delusion, Secrecy, and Isolation.

Certainly, everyone has gone against good advice and done something that harmed them. Think about something you were warned not to do, but you did it anyway when nobody was watching. It probably turned out badly for you.

When we won’t listen to wise counsel, we are likely to be deluded into believing that nothing harmful could happen. We don't want to be nagged, so we avoid the person who would step in to correct us. We convince ourselves that the rules do not apply to us, and we justify our bad behavior. With repeated denial, we become so blind to the truth that later we’re shocked when we suffer the consequences of our own actions.

We need to listen to:

Our families

Our friends

Our spiritual leaders

The Holy Spirit

The Word of God

The shared wisdom of Christians who lived before us.

We listen by:

Paying attention to what others tell us

Using discernment for counsel coming to us

Listening carefully and not dismissing what is said

Opening our hearts to God when we are corrected

Learning to discern the voice of God

Reading the Bible in large doses

Reading what Christians in days past have written

Life Skills

Life skills are essential to thrive in society. While society is increasingly complex, the basic skills we need to live well are quite simple. You don't need an advanced education to learn and practice them. Even so, it is incredible how few people make time to develop these essential skills.

Well-developed Life Skills make our existence more meaningful and strengthen our relationships. They are effective in helping us connect with people in significant ways, helping people through life issues, maintaining appropriate boundaries in relationships, and effectively communicating with almost anyone.

Life skills allow us to be aware of what is going on inside ourselves and as well as other people. Life skills prepare us to respond in appropriate ways. These skills involve learning to listen to what others say too, and about us, without becoming defensive. We can evaluate what others say to us and determine what impact that will have. These skills guide us to speak the truth to others in a way that does not lead them to respond defensively.

We will consider three important life skills that will help us develop a Living Free lifestyle. They are social intelligence, emotional intelligence, and right thinking.

DEVELOPING SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE

Social intelligence requires empathy, listening skills, self-awareness, and concern for the needs of others. Someone who has high social intelligence can more effectively connect with others and form helpful relationships. A socially intelligent person can recognize, understand, and respond appropriately to the emotions of others.

Tips on how to develop your social intelligence:

• Show interest in others. Make a point of acknowledging people that you encounter. Seek opportunities for engagement in safe and socially appropriate ways. Everyone has a story—give them an opportunity to tell theirs. Listen actively to their responses and try to understand their perspectives. Your attention is the best gift you can give someone.

• Be mindful of your body language. Make eye contact, smile, and use open body language to show that you are interested in what the other person is saying. Avoid fidgeting or crossing your arms, as this can make you seem closed off or unapproachable.

• Be a good listener. When someone is talking to you, give them your full attention. Avoid interrupting or thinking about what you are going to say next.

• Be empathetic. Try to see things from other people's perspectives and understand how they might be feeling. Don’t get drawn into arguments. This will help you to build rapport and connect with others on a deeper level.

• Be genuine. Be yourself and don't try to be someone you're not. People can tell when you're being fake, and this will cause difficulty in building trust and connection. But be aware of how people receive you. Understand how your attitudes and actions affect others. A positive attitude, a friendly smile, brief eye contact, and politeness are important qualities of a likable person.

• Be humble. Avoid bragging, arguing, calling attention to yourself, loudly dominating a conversation, putting down others or being intentionally controversial. Work hard to listen more than you speak. In your conversation, avoid one-upping what the other person says. It is impolite and implies that you think your experience is more significant than theirs.

• See others through new eyes. Look beyond the way people present themselves and look at them through God’s perspective and imagine how they would appear if they experienced a living relationship with God. The greatest measure of social intelligence is to be able to see those we encounter with “new eyes.” Not as they are today, but as they can be, when they reconcile with God and become new people.

• “So, we have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. At one time we thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know him now! This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” (2 Cor. 5:16-17, NLT)

• Being able to see others as the person they could become, instead of despising the person they are today, is the most powerful aspect of social intelligence that we can develop.

DEVELOPING EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Emotional intelligence is being aware of one’s own emotional state, and developing the ability to understand, manage, and appropriately express personal emotions.

Here are some tips on how to develop emotional intelligence:

• Increase self-awareness. The first step is to become more aware of your own emotions. Pay attention to how you feel throughout the day and try to identify how your thoughts, beliefs, circumstances, and choices affect how you feel. With this awareness you can evaluate whether your feelings are appropriate and then choose how to respond, instead of allowing your emotions to drive an impulsive reaction.

• Develop empathy. Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. To develop empathy, try to see things from other people's perspectives and imagine how they might be feeling. You can also practice active listening, which involves paying attention to what the other person is saying and asking clarifying questions.

• Communicate effectively. Effective communication is essential for building strong relationships. When you communicate effectively, you can express your thoughts and feelings concisely. You are also able to listen to others and understand their perspectives.

• Manage conflict effectively. Conflict is a natural part of life, but it doesn't have to be destructive. By managing conflict effectively, you can resolve disagreements in a way that is respectful and productive. To manage conflict effectively, try to stay calm and collected, avoid personal attacks, and focus on finding solutions that work for everyone involved.

• Keep a journal. Journaling can help you to identify and track your emotions. It can also help you to reflect on your experiences and learn from them.

• Seek feedback from others. Ask trusted friends, family members, or colleagues for feedback on your emotional intelligence. Being open to feedback can help you avoid the habits of defensiveness, angry responses, and justifying your own faults. Trusted allies around you can help you to identify areas where you are blind and need grace to grow.

• Developing emotional intelligence takes time and effort, but it is a worthwhile investment. By improving your emotional intelligence, you can improve your relationships, achieve your goals, and live a more fulfilling life.

RIGHT THINKING

Right Thinking is another life skill that will help us react to life in a less stressful and more thoughtful way. You may recall that when people are controlled by dependencies, they become deluded, and they cannot recognize or accept the truth. Their process of dealing with life rationally is lost as they base their reality on lies. Delusion insulates them from the pain they would feel if they accepted the reality of their situation. They no longer make decisions based on right thinking. Even though they know better, they choose to sincerely believe their own lies.

Most of us won’t go to such extremes, but we are all prone to reject the truth and “fool ourselves” into thinking that the wrong choice we desire is okay. The Apostle Paul speaks of the need for right thinking in the book of Romans. He even goes to the extent of exhorting us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds.

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you should not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned.

Romans 12:1-3, ESV

Living Free groups are an opportunity to learn right thinking, to choose right behaviors, and then to experience right feelings. Help for an individual struggling with dependencies and self-defeating behaviors begins with truthful thinking, which is thinking that yields to biblical principles.

Living Free groups provide a safe environment to grow and learn new patterns of life. In groups, people can face the truth about what they feel and do. They can stop hiding and can open their lives to God. They can stop isolating themselves as they find people who love and care for them unconditionally. When the cycle of cover- up, relapse, and despair is broken, the result is spiritual freedom in Christ.

Living Free for Life

We were created to enjoy relationships with God our Father and Creator and our fellow humans. These relationships are part of God’s plan for creation, and it is in these relationships that we find fulfillment, rest, and meaning.

LIVING FREE FOUNDATION

We have mentioned before, 2 Peter 1:3-8 is a foundational passage for Living Free. This text gives insight into God’s character, His relationship with us, and what is the most meaningful goal in our lives. Let’s look at this passage again:

His divine power has given us everything required for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him who called us by his own glory and goodness. By these He has given us very great and precious promises, so that through them you may share in the divine nature, escaping the corruption that is in the world because of evil desire. For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with goodness, goodness with knowledge, knowledge with self-control, self-control with endurance, endurance with godliness, godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being useless or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Let’s take a look at the fundamental promises found in this passage that will transform our lives. God promises us that:

• His power is working for our benefit

• We can have everything we need to live a good and godly life

• We can share in His nature, which includes goodness

• We can escape the evil influences that we all face

• We can overcome the attraction we have to destructive influences

• We can have a meaningful and satisfying life

His goal for us is that we display His nature in our lives, the core of which is goodness - and includes love, grace, patience, and mercy. There is a process to follow which results in having the kind of life we are designed to enjoy.

• Trust God and His promises

• Have Faith - Believe in Him and commit ourselves to His ways

• Gain Knowledge - Continue to understand who God is and what His will is for us

• Practice Self-control - Stay in control of strong desires that are not appropriate

• Develop Perseverance - Keep moving forward and overcoming opposition

• Grow in Godliness - Show the character of God in your relationships

• Cultivate Kindness – Make every effort to love those who love you

• Learn to Love – Develop a true God-like love that can even love enemies

And the life we are promised has a goal: To grow in these qualities, display through your actions what God is like, and be productive and effective in a life that honors God and culminates in life with Him forever. God wants us to enjoy life, and to live for something much more than we can experience during our short lives on this earth.

Jesus said this about the life we can have in God:

“I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.”

John 10:10, NIV

The word that we translate as “full” comes from the Greek word perissos, which means over and above, excessive, in full abundance. So, you can see that Jesus has come so that we can have an exceptional life, even while dealing with the challenges and setbacks of this broken world.

THE FUNDAMENTALS OF THE LIVING FREE LIFE

Growing in a relationship with God is the most important goal we have in life. In some ways, building a relationship with God is like establishing and strengthening a friendship—but we proceed with awe and respect. We are not His equal and we are not in charge. Here are some proven ways we can grow closer to God:

Reconcile with God: Remember, God loves you and has done everything necessary to reconcile you to Him. Humans were created in God's image to enjoy a special relationship so that we could show the world what God is like. He created us to be his family.

Adam and Eve, our first ancestors, broke the family relationship with God when they tried to be His equal. They wanted to make their own rules and sided with God's enemy, which resulted in sin, suffering and death coming into the world.

In Christ, God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you, on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

2 Corinthians 5:19-21, ESV

Do you see that God was the offended party, and yet, He reconciled Himself to us out of His goodness and at a great price. He has appealed to His family members (we humans) to be themselves reconciled (settle differences) with God.

He allows us to be His representatives in this world and share in His divine nature (image) with us again. He has given us a second chance, but we must be willing to accept the terms of the reconciliation. We must admit our need for God and trust that He will provide what He promises. We must surrender to Him and place ourselves under His authority. When we do, we share in His nature and enjoy life.

As John 1:12-14 says, but to all who believed him and accepted him, he gave the right to become children of God. They are reborn not with a physical birth resulting from human passion or plan, but a birth that comes from God. So, the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen his glory, the glory of the Father's one and only Son.

This promise is the spiritual foundation of Living Free. Living Free is not about reforming behavior. It is about a restored, close, and loving relationship with God and all the benefits of our reconciliation. Here are the practical ways we can go about getting to know God better, and understanding what He wants for our lives:

• Read the Bible Every Day for Understanding. Choose a Bible version that you can easily understand. The New Living Bible version is an excellent choice to begin reading. You can find a variety of versions to read at www.biblegateway.com

• Set aside at least 15 minutes every day to read. Take your time and read to understand. Be aware if you feel that God is bringing something to your attention. He speaks to us through His word. Keep a notebook for questions, things you learn, and things God is bringing to your attention.

• Pray throughout Your Day. Spend time talking with God and include Him in your inner conversation as you go through the day. He created you for a relationship, so it pleases Him when we recognize his presence with us. When something good happens -- express gratitude. If you don't know what to do -- ask for wisdom. When we acknowledge His presence, He guides our steps. Set aside time daily to concentrate on God, talk with Him, and calm down. This habit is the last thing many people do as they fall asleep.

• Build Your Community Make an effort to connect deeply with trusted friends and family members. Share life with a group of Christian friends by praying with and for them. Make daily contact in person, by phone, or even social media. Good friends and trusted family members can help us grow in character.

• Spend time in worship and gain perspective. It takes time and effort to grow in your relationship with God so that you can discern His will and understand how He wants you to live your life. Associate with a church where you can enjoy fellowship with a larger group of people and benefit from biblical preaching, teaching, worship, and ministry opportunities. Attend regularly and make as many connections as possible. The Bible gives us these instructions:

Be filled by the Spirit: speaking to one another in psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs, singing and making music with your heart to the Lord, giving thanks always for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, submitting to one another in the fear of Christ.

Ephesians 5:18-21, CSB

• In your private times of worship, Read the Psalms out load, listen to worship music, give thanks, and praise God for being our loving Father.

• Memorize and meditate on Scripture. The consistent practice of memorizing and meditating on God’s Word will create a ready source of encouragement deep within your heart that will guide and comfort you.

• Walk in the Spirit. Learning to live in, walk in, and be empowered by God’s Spirit builds a bond that is unbreakable. He is with us always, and we never have to face a life challenge alone. Be filled with the Spirit and pray that God will empower you for service. One way to experience walking with the Spirit is to “pray without ceasing.” This just means you pray as you go through your day and remain open to what God might be leading you to do or say. Other ways of walking in the spirit include devoting time to scripture, worship, fellowship, communion, and submitting to baptism.

• Reach out to others. Show love, share the message of reconciliation, engage with people through acts of charity, and ask God to help you see the opportunities to meet people and let them see Christ in your life.

• Develop a vision to seek to know God more each day. In order to grow in God’s image, we must put in the effort to enjoy God and also bring Him enjoyment. Grow in relationship with Him and experience the joy of His goodness. Pay attention and learn from living life as you experience it. Desire and seek God. Trust Him, obey Him, and grow in confidence.

• Interact with others and learn from shared experiences. Whether it is a battle, or a shared adventure, working together on a project or team, or being married, there is nothing that forms strong bonds like a shared challenge. The same is true of shared joys and celebrations in our Christian life. Be willing to connect with others and engage in the tough and wonderful stuff that will help you grow. Embrace failure and victory and learn from a variety of experiences.

LIVING FREE PLAN

The tricky part of talking about a Living Free Plan is to understand that this is not a list that must be followed to obtain positive results.

It would be tempting to consider the fundamentals of a Living Free life to be the disciplines, rules, and requirements necessary to receive what God has promised us. But we must not fall into the idea that if we do certain things, then we will be rewarded and get what we desire or that we will be protected from harm by following all the “rules.”

This rules-based approach to our spiritual life misses the point. The rules-based thinking is what we use when we are practicing a religion. It is a false notion that we can do certain things to guarantee prescribed benefits and protection. This pattern of thinking is common, but it is so very, very wrong.

The Living Free Plan is a method to develop our relationship with God and trust Him to transform us into the people He designed us to be. We are talking about deepening relationships with our God, and our family of believers. We do this by being aware of one another, spending time together, and working together to accomplish what we are appointed and designed to achieve.

When we are living free, we are motivated by the grace and love that God has shown us and our desire to show those same qualities to the people we encounter.

PRINCIPLES OF LIVING FREE

Here is a quick review of the topics we have considered in this Living Free experience.

Life

We are born into a world in which we have no choice about important areas of our lives. Every life is different, and some people live in circumstances that are more favorable than others. Even so, we are all loved by God who desires a relationship with us and has a plan for our ultimate good.

People everywhere desire a happy life for themselves and especially for their children. They are happiest when life is pleasant. Pleasant lives are not guaranteed, but we can enjoy good lives as we live in relationship with God and are transformed to be like Him.

Our lives are transformed when we understand the goodness of God and how He wants to relate with us. Whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, we can live a good life as God lives in us and gives us a life that reflects His character to the world.

Challenges

We can be blindsided by events that bring great pain and stress to us. We can be traumatized and become disoriented. The distress we feel can overwhelm us and we look for relief.

Unfortunately, the things that are the most effective in covering our pain often come with the danger of making us dependent on them for survival. These dependencies can separate us from reality but do nothing to heal the actual pain. A better choice is to trust God in times of pain.

When we learn to trust God in the difficult times, we build on the relationship that we have with Him, our faith grows, and our character is developed. Our resilience in times of trouble makes us stronger as we draw near to God and His resources.

Choices

The course of our life is determined by the choices we make in challenging times. We often compromise our character when facing difficult decisions. There are forces inside and outside of us that we must recognize and deal with when choosing our direction.

When we choose to compromise what is right and make unwise decisions, we can find ourselves entangled in problems that trap us before we realize what has happened. We can better avoid entanglement by recognizing the stages of entrapment.

We must learn to be aware that delusion, secrecy, and isolation are forces that will harm us and keep us trapped. And when we are trapped, the harm is not just to ourselves; other people who love us and depend on us are also harmed.

Finding Freedom

There is always a way back if we find ourselves trapped. We must be willing to give up our delusion, secrecy, and isolation. A life audit is a useful tool to get our lives back on track and prevent problems from overwhelming us.

We develop life skills to better understand ourselves and those around us. We also develop the habit of right thinking to help us understand when we are getting off track and developing harmful beliefs.

The most important thing we can do to live a good life is to develop our relationship with God. We develop the habits of prayer, Bible reading, worship, and listening to God moment-by–moment to grow in our relationship to God.

THIS ONE THING I DO

When we learn to focus on the most important aspect of living, everything else falls into place. You must be able to visualize what your best life will look like. When you come to the end of your days how will you feel about the way you spent your life?

Our home is in God, and His will is for us to live a life that reflects His image to everyone we encounter. The character elements listed in 2 Peter 1:3-11 are the markers that guide us to develop our lives to reflect God’s image to the world. An image marked by goodness and unselfish love.

If we develop into the human being God designed us to be we will have fewer regrets when we come to the end of our mortal lives. Our time on earth will have value, our efforts will have been effective and the legacy we leave behind will be one that shows others the path home to the presence of God.

It is important to hold this image in our minds throughout our lives, so when we are facing the end of life, we can share the experience that the Apostle Paul describes in Philippians 3:12-15. He wrote these words while he was in prison in Rome, facing a verdict where he could be executed for his faith. He was unsure if he would live or die. Under this stress he affirmed that he was moving forward in his journey of faith and looking forward to the only thing that mattered to him…to be in the presence of God forever.

I’m not there yet, nor have I become perfect; but I am charging on to gain anything and everything the Anointed One, Jesus, has in store for me—and nothing will stand in my way because He has grabbed me and won’t let me go. Brothers and sisters, as I said, I know I have not arrived; but there’s one thing I am doing: I’m leaving my old life behind, putting everything on the line for this mission. I am sprinting toward the only goal that counts: to cross the line, to win the prize, and to hear God’s call to resurrection life found exclusively in Jesus the Anointed. All of us who are mature ought to think the same way about these matters. If you have a different attitude, then God will reveal this to you as well. For now, let’s hold on to what we have been shown and keep in step with these teachings. (Philippians 3:12-15, The Voice)

WHAT’S NEXT?

Decide now to keep moving forward in your development and your desire to Live Free. Start by attending a Living Free ministry group in your church or area. If there is not one nearby, join an online group and connect with people across the country and around the world who are learning and growing in Living Free groups. Visit the LivingFree.org website and explore which groups are meeting online.

If there is no Living Free ministry in your area, start one! Learn more about the Living Free Academy where you can learn how to begin a local Living Free outreach and train to lead Living Free groups.

Follow the recommendations in the “Living Free for Life” portion of this segment and meet with other likeminded people who are on a similar journey and can help you stay accountable.

The Plan of Salvation

Is there any good reason why you cannot receive Jesus Christ right now?

How to receive Christ:

1. Admit your need (that you are a sinner).

2. Be willing to turn from your sins (repent).

3. Believe that Jesus Christ died for you on the cross and rose from the dead.

4. Through prayer, invite Jesus Christ to come in and control your life through the Holy Spirit (receive Him as Savior and Lord).

What to Pray

Dear God,

I know that I am a sinner and need your forgiveness.

I believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins.

I am willing to turn from my sins.

I now invite Jesus Christ to come into my heart and life as my personal savior.

I am willing, by God’s strength, to follow and obey Jesus Christ as the Lord of my life.

Date

Signature

The Bible says, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13

“Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become the children of God.” John 1:12

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 5:1

• When we receive Christ, we are born into the family of God through the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit who lives within every believer. This process is called regeneration or the new birth.

• Share your decision to receive Christ with another person.

• Connect to a local church.

Bibliography

Augsburger, D. (2009). Caring enough to confront. Regal Books.

Balswick, J. O., & Balswick, J. K. (1991). The family: A Christian perspective on the contemporary home. Baker Book House.

Bauckham, R. J. (1983). Word biblical commentary. Word Books.

Beattie, M. (1987). Codependent no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. Harper & Row.

Beck, A. T. (1976). Cognitive therapy and the emotional disorders. International Universities Press.

Beck, A. T., & Emery, G. (1985). Anxiety disorders and phobias: A cognitive perspective. Basic Books.

Beck, A. T. (1988). Love is never enough. Harper & Row.

Beebe, S. A., & Masterson, J.T. (2000). Communicating in small groups: Principles and practices. Addison Wesley Longman, Inc.

Benner, D. G. (2002). Sacred companions: The gift of spiritual friendship and direction. IVP Books.

Boisvert, R., & Mahaney, C. J. (1993). How can I change?: Victory in the struggle against sin. Sovereign Grace Ministries.

Brunson, J. (1984). What lies in the shadows: How truth healed a splintered mind. Zondervan.

Burns, D. D. (1989). The feeling good handbook: Using the new mood therapy in everyday life. W. Morrow & Co.

Charry, E. T. (2010). God and the art of happiness. W.B. Eerdmans Publishing.

Crabb, L. J. (1987). Understanding people: Deep longings for relationship. Ministry Resources Library/ Zondervan.

Cross, J. R. (2007). By this name. GoodSeed International.

Dunnington, K. (2011). Addiction and virtue: Beyond the models of disease and choice. IVP Academic.

Gorman, J. A. (1993). Community that is christian: A handbook on small groups. Victor Books.

Grudem, W. (1994). Systematic theology: An introduction to biblical doctrine. Zondervan.

Heiser, M. S. (2015). Supernatural: What the Bible teaches about the unseen world - and why it matters. Lexham Press.

Henderson, D. M. (1997). John Wesley’s class meeting: A model for making disciples. Evangel Pub. House. Hestenes, R. (1983). Using the Bible in groups. The Westminster Press.

Heuertz, C. L. (2008). Simple spirituality: Learning to see God in a broken world. IVP Books.

Icenogle, G. W. (1994). Biblical foundations for small group ministry: An integrative approach. InterVarsity Press.

Johnson, E. L. (2007). Foundations for soul care: A Christian psychology proposal. IVP Academic.

Johnson, V. E. (1990). I’ll quit tomorrow: A practical guide to alcoholism treatment. Harper & Row.

Kellemen, R. W. (2007). Spiritual friends: A methodology of soul care and spiritual direction. BMH Books.

Lane, T. S., & Tripp, P. D. (2008). How people change. New Growth Press.

Lee-Thorp, K. (1998). How to ask great questions: Guide your group to discovery with these proven techniques. NavPress.

Luther, M., & Mueller, J. T. (1976). Commentary on romans. Kregel Publications.

Peele, S., Brodsky, A., & Arnold, M. (1991). The truth about addiction and recovery: The life process program for outgrowing destructive habits. Simon & Schuster.

Robertson, J. C. (1992). Help yourself: A revolutionary alternative recovery program. Thomas Nelson.

Schlesinger, S. E., & Horberg, L. K. (1988). Taking charge: How families can climb out of the chaos of addiction-- and flourish. Simon & Schuster.

Shaw, M. E. (2014). Understanding temptation: The war within your heart. Focus Publishing.

Shaw, M. E. (2018). The heart of addiction: A biblical perspective. Focus Publishing.

Tan, S.-Y. (1991). Lay counseling: Equipping christians for a helping ministry. Zondervan.

Tripp, P. D. (2002). Instruments in the redeemer’s hands: People in need of change helping people in need of change. P & R Publishing.

VanVonderen, J. (2004). Good news for the chemically dependent and those who love them. Bethany House Publishers.

Welch, E. T. (2001). Addictions a banquet in the grave: finding hope in the power of the gospel. P & R Publishing.

Willard, D., & Simpson, D. (2005). Revolution of character: Discovering Christ’s pattern for spiritual transformation. NavPress.

Facilitator Training

LEADING & LAUNCHING

- PART TWO -

Please note, this section begins the Leading & Launching Living Free, A Facilitator Training Guide. The page numbers throughout this section are labeled as 2-# to indicate they are part two of the series. They will correspond accordingly with the pages in the Facilitator Training Guide. (i.e. page 2-14 will be page 14, etc.)

Welcome!

Welcome to Leading and Launching Living Free!

Thank you for investing your time into providing a safe space for people who desperately need to know you care and that there is freedom available through the time they spend in your Living Free small groups.

Facilitating Living Free groups is a front-row seat into the transformation taking place in the lives of people who need to know there is hope, faith, and freedom in Christ for their pain, shame, and regrets.

Living Free provides the structure and environment that the Holy Spirit can work in and through to provide healing in our mind, body, emotions, and spirit.

This training provides the essentials for leading/facilitating a Living Free small group. Each section is independent of the others but builds towards providing you with tools and God confidence to lead a group.

There will be video narration, individual reflection, and most importantly, group interaction so you can begin to experience the dynamics that take place when we come together and share our lives with one another.

All through the Bible, it is clear that we are not built to do this life alone. We were made for community with our Heavenly Father and with each other. In the Bible, found in James 5:16, it says, “Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” God assures us that while our relationship with him is personal, it’s not private. The choices and challenges we face are not in isolation. What an opportunity we have to come together in community and find hope, healing, and freedom.

This book will provide you with more information than the video narration will provide so please review this material as a reference to leading a Living Free group.

It is our prayer that you are strengthened in the Lord and encouraged through your journey in learning how to be an effective Living Free “Facilitator”/group leader. The term “facilitator” is used throughout this guide to describe those who lead groups.

If you have any questions about any of the material found in this guide, please reach out to us at Living Free info@livingfree.org or 423-899-4770.

The LORD bless you as He uses you to provide a safe space where God will transform their lives, their families, and communities.

The Living Free Team

LEADING & LAUNCHING Facilitator Training

WELCOME

Welcome and Opening Instructions

Thank you for being a part of this small group facilitation training. Our prayer is that you will begin to experience what God does through His Word, His Spirit and His people.

Please form Small Groups

Number off according to how many people are present so that your group sizes are no more than 5-7 people.

The Sharing Question

Have every small group participant answer the following questions within their group.

GROUP EXERCISE

Go around your group and ask each person to answer the following:

• State Your Name

• Where you are from

• State one word that describes how you are feeling right now.

FACILITATOR TRAINING

LEADING

The Small Group Strategy

INTRODUCTION

ONESegment

Please verbally ask the entire group these questions before playing the segment video.

As you experience this lesson, look for answers to these questions: It does not take an expert to lead a group. What are the three things needed more than anything else?

What is the role of the facilitators in a Living Free small group?

What characteristics are important for a facilitator to demonstrate?

The Small Group Strategy

SMALL GROUPS - THE FOUNDATION OF LIVING FREE

2 mins

Even though you can use any of the Living Free topics to start your Living Free ministry, it is recommended that everyone in Living Free, even a potential facilitator, starts with an Insight Group. This nine-session group expands on some of the basic principles we’ve touched on in the Living Free Awareness portion of the training. After that, a person may choose to go on to groups that address specific issues or general discipleship topics.

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

In an Insight Group, members learn how to help people with life-controlling problems, how to prevent those problems from developing in their own lives, and how to overcome existing life-controlling problems. Each person in the group has his or her own issues, whether he or she realizes it or not.

Sample Group Introduction Group Format

2 mins

Please communicate the main points below and on the next page before going on to the video on “Small Group Dynamics”.

A TYPICAL GROUP FORMAT HAS FOUR SECTIONS

Introduction:

This is a warm-up time when group members get to know one another. There are usually general questions asked to get everyone talking. Ex: What is your favorite food.

Self-Awareness (20–25 minutes):

This is a time when group members talk about the issues they’re facing as they relate to the subject matter.

Spiritual Awareness (20–25 minutes):

This is when the group discusses what the Bible has to say about these issues.

Application (20–25 minutes):

This is a time to apply or brainstorm ways to apply spiritual truths to life issues.

This format is followed in all Living Free small group curricula and is explained in each of the facilitator’s guides. Facilitators should always plan each session with this format in mind—each section is important.

EACH SMALL GROUP HAS A FACILITATOR AND A CO-FACILITATOR

The word facilitator means “one who makes something easier to do.” In Living Free groups, the most important task of the facilitators is to create a safe place where it is easy for people to level with the group. Some people fear sharing their struggles with the group. The facilitators help members feel safe in the group by . . .

• Keeping the group discussion confidential.

• Not pretending to “have it all together” or talking down to others.

• Being first to share until others feel confident enough to go first.

• Accepting people where they are without being judgmental.

• Never scolding or showing disrespect.

• Being gentle but persistent in care-fronting delusion.

• Being humble, knowing that any of us are capable of falling.

• Always being there before the members arrive.

• Creating an atmosphere of warmth and trust.

• Opening the group sessions with prayer.

• Promoting the ease of discussion.

In the first Insight Group session, the facilitator explains the group’s purpose, clarifies ground rules, and monitors the group’s comfort level. The facilitator urges the group members to speak within their own comfort levels and emphasizes that no one is forced to share. Confidentiality is stressed.

FACILITATORS MUST KNOW THEIR LIMITATIONS

Facilitators are laypersons, not professional clinicians. They need to know when to refer a person to a professional.

People using alcohol or other drugs, people with mental illnesses, those who are a danger to themselves or others, and those with other major issues in their lives may need to be referred to a pastor, a social worker, counselor, or other professional. We recommend that churches put together a list of resource people and agencies for referral.

The facilitator’s job is to guide the group toward the solutions that the Holy Spirit offers. He or she is not expected to have all of the answers—that is God’s territory. If members have need of professional help, they should consult professional Christian caregivers. Facilitators and other group members are not qualified to offer psychological or medical care.

CHRIST-CENTERED

To help people overcome their struggles, the group must be centered around Christ.

Small groups where Christ is the focus can bring wholeness in Christ to those who are struggling with life-controlling problems. Helping each other overcome life-controlling problems is good, but the emphasis should always be on spiritual growth. To accomplish this, it is important for groups to have a planned curriculum that focuses on biblical principles.

The wheel to the right represents a Christ-centered small group. The spokes represent the group members, and Christ is the hub. As the group members come near Christ, the hub, they also develop a closeness with one another.

When the group facilitators become the center of the small group— the spiritual or psychological gurus—group members may form a dependent relationship with them. Facilitators should stand together with group members, not as superiors.

If a philosophy becomes the center of the small group, emptiness or even deception among group members is the likely result. Philosophies that mislead groups include intellectualism, speculations, or logical-sounding arguments that neglect Christ as preeminent.

Small Group Dynamics

4 mins

It is our experience and desire to see life transformation happen in each of your Living Free groups. It is important to be patient with the process. There are five elements we believe has the potential of happening that leads to what Christ does in the group.

Experiencing Freedom through the Word of God, the Spirit of God, and the people of God.

ELEMENTS OF THE PROCESS OVER THE LIFE OF THE GROUP:

• Trust – Learning to depend on one another

• Mutuality – Common ground and understanding we are not alone

• Affirmation – Active listening and giving encouraging feedback

• Accountability – Helping each other

SMALL GROUP INTERACTION

(Pause video and discuss the following, through the end of the chapter in your small groups.)

SPIRITUAL AWARENESS LEAD-IN

What is the facilitator’s role in a Christ-centered small group?

ALLOW MINUTES 25

Living Free emphasizes Christ as the center of each small group. Paul writes, “For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever! Amen (Romans 11:36).

Read Hebrews 12:2

“Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” NIV

Who is the focus in this verse?

Read John 15:5

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” NIV

Why is it so necessary to keep Jesus the center of our groups and life?

Read Colossians 1:15-20

”He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.”NIV

Why are verses 17-18 so important to a Christ-centered small group?

Ephesians 2:22

“And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.” NIV

How does Christ bring togetherness in a Christ-centered group regardless of social status, race, or gender?

APPLICATION

Discuss the following questions as a group.

1. What benefits have you found in keeping Christ the center of your life?

2. What do you see as your role in facilitating a Living Free group?

3. What proactive things can a facilitator or group leader do to make a group feel comfortable and safe?

4. If you have been in a group that didn’t feel safe, what made that environment not work for you?

5. In what areas do you think you need to grow in order to be an effective facilitator? List these in the space below.

Segment

Effective Facilitation and Communication

INTRODUCTION

Please verbally ask the entire group these questions before playing the segment video.

As you experience this session, look for answers to these questions:

What does a facilitator do?

What are some facilitator tips?

What key things are important to remember as we’re care-fronting?

PERSONAL REFLECTION AND GROUP DISCUSSION

Define the word “Facilitator”.

Then discuss your answer with the group.

Defining Facilitation

A Christ-centered small group offers a setting where people can break free from their traps.

2 mins

Facilitation: Helping people process their life through the lens of the Word of God, guided by the Spirit of God, and through the encouragement of the people of God.

PERSONAL REFLECTION AND GROUP DISCUSSION

Effective Facilitator Qualities

Take a look at the list of qualities below and circle the ones that are easier for you and draw a line under the qualities that are more of a challenge for you.

CHRISTLIKENESS

As leaders we no longer can be “lost in the crowd,” just doing our own thing, unconcerned about what others think. Those we lead may imitate our example—the places we go, the things we do, and what we say. If our actions are not Christlike, we will lead them down the wrong path. Ask yourself this question: “Is Jesus pleased with what I am doing and saying?”

THE SPIRIT OF A SERVANT

God places us in ministry so that we might serve, love, and care for those we lead. We must never feel we can rule or dictate to others. Keep in mind that even God respects a person’s free will. Leadership is for the purpose of serving.

A SHEPHERD’S HEART

It is important to see beyond present difficulties and to recognize the amazing potential for change that each group member has in Christ. A shepherd will exhibit firm love and gentle encouragement in the process of leading people to a richer relationship with God. We accept people as they are, so we help them become all God intends them to be.

LOVE AND HOSPITALITY

This involves giving of yourself—even to those who are unlovely. The Amplified Bible speaks boldly of this subject in 1 Peter 4:9: “Practice hospitality to one another—that is, those of the household of the faith.”

ANOINTED ENTHUSIASM

Your small group will never exceed your personal plateau of enthusiasm. If you don’t get inspired and motivated about what you are leading and doing, neither will anyone else! Usually, people are not projecting as much enthusiasm as they think they are.

A TEACHABLE SPIRIT

Every facilitator has room for improvement, and the ability to accept constructive criticism without being defensive is a great strength. No person is always right. A leader can never teach others if he or she is not willing to be taught.

SUBMISSIVE TO AUTHORITY

The Living Free ministry in a local church or ministry is subject to the leadership of the local organization. Living Free is not designed to be done by “freelancers” who are not subject to a structured spiritual authority. Facilitators of groups must be willing to come under the authority of the sponsoring organization.

PREPAREDNESS

People who come to the groups expect the facilitators to be prepared to lead. This includes prayer preparation, knowledge of the Bible passages being studied, and a willingness to devote full attention to the group. For a leader to be unprepared and to fail to “do his homework” is a sure predictor of failure just ahead.

Facilitator Tips

LISTEN MORE, TALK LESS

Jesus asked a lot of questions to his disciples. More wisdom is gained through the questions you ask that the information you give. This allows your participants to process their pain and gain insight into what has been and what can be to bring encouragement and change.

WHAT TO EXPECT AS A FACILITATOR

It is okay to feel inadequate. This is a great place to be so you can rely on the Holy Spirit. You are the vehicle God wants to use in bringing change to the lives of your group members.

Effective Communication Tools

EFFECTIVE FACILITATION & COMMUNICATION TOOLS

Our personal goal should be to replace isolation with sharing.

In a safe environment, even a shy person will open up and level with others eventually. A foundation of trust is laid as the group bonds over several meetings. Some people aren’t ready to share in the first few meetings. Others require even more time and patience. The important thing is that the facilitator doesn’t pressure anyone into sharing beyond his or her level of comfort.

Leveling isn’t easy for anyone, but facilitators can help others be open by setting a personal example the group can follow and by modeling healthy communication skills.

GROUP DISCUSSION

Ask group participants in each group to take turns in reading paragraphs of this section and have the groups answer the group discussion questions.

Carefronting

Care-fronting is confronting in a caring way.

(Have people in your group read portions of this section out loud to the group and then answer the questions at the end of this section as a group)

Living Free groups employ a communication technique called care-fronting when it is necessary to confront delusion and denial. You messages are important when carefronting.

“YOU”

AND “I” MESSAGES

“You” messages

“You” messages communicate disrespect and judgment, thereby keeping people from leveling. “You” messages accuse the other person of doing things wrong. “You” messages tend to increase conflict by making the other person more defensive. They may cause the other person to feel put down, rejected, resistant, or unimportant.

“I” messages

On the other hand, “I” messages help open up pathways of nonthreatening communication. When I take responsibility for how I feel, then you don’t feel so put down.

This type of message helps to communicate your feelings regarding the other person’s behavior and its effect on you without strengthening the defenses of the other person.

“I” messages deal with facts rather than evaluation. They communicate honesty and openness. “I” messages are less likely to cause harm to the relationship than “you” messages.

The self-esteem of the other person is not attacked. An “I” message is different from a “you” message in that the speaker takes responsibility for his or her own feelings.

HOW TO COMPOSE AN “I” MESSAGE

You can follow this formula when learning how to form an “I” message:

“When” (describe the situation); “I feel” (describe your feelings about the situation); “because” (offer an explanation if you choose to).

Example:“When you arrive home late and I don’t know where you are or when to expect you, I feel afraid, worried, and eventually angry because I think you may have been in an accident.” Contrast this to a “you” message, which might say: “You are so thoughtless, rude, and inconsiderate to come home late without notifying me. Can’t you ever think of anyone besides yourself! Don’t you care about my feelings?”

We are most useful as care-fronters when we are not so much trying to change other people as we are trying to help them see themselves more accurately. Care-fronting works like showing people their reflections in a mirror or having them watch a video of themselves. They get a perspective on themselves that they cannot achieve any other way. This way the change will be sincere, not the result of manipulation.

Carefully frame your words to help a person level and respond honestly.

Carefronting risks conflict but tries to minimize it by gently communicating in a way that does not make the hearer more defensive. We make it easier when we let the person know that we respect and care for him or her.

5 TOOLS OF CAREFRONTING

Below are some things to remember when carefronting:

• Focus your feedback on the action, not on the actor.

This gives the person the freedom to change his behavior without feeling personal rejection. Example: “When someone criticizes people who are not present, as you were doing a moment ago, I get uptight. I’d encourage you to say what you have to say to the person.”

• Focus your feedback on your observations, not your conclusions.

Comment not on what you think, imagine, or infer but on what you have actually seen or heard. Conclusions will evoke immediate defensiveness. Example: “You are not looking at me and not answering when I speak. Please give me your attention and answer.”

• Focus your feedback on descriptions, not judgments. Do not comment on another’s behavior as nice or rude, right or wrong. Use a clear, accurate description in neutral language. When a value judgment is received, there is a momentary break in contact. Example: “I am aware that your reply to my request for information was silence. Please tell me what this means.”

• Focus feedback on ideas, information, and alternatives, not advice and answers.

Comment not with instructions on what to do with the data you have to offer but with the data, the facts, the additional options. The more options that are available, the less likely it is that a person will come to a

premature solution. Example: “I have several other options that you may have thought about, but let me run them by you again.”

• Focus feedback not on why, but on what and how.

“Why” critiques values, motives, and intents. “Why” is judgmental; “what” and “how” relate to observable actions, behaviors, words, and tone of voice. Example: “Here is where we are; let’s examine it.”

Care-fronting should be done in a caring, gentle, constructive, and clear manner. Never care-front in a way that could be interpreted as blaming, shaming, or punishing.

Adapted from the book Caring Enough to Confront by David Augsburger. (Scottdale, PA: Herald Press. Used by permission.)

GROUP DISCUSSION

Spend a few minutes answering these questions in your group before going onto the next topic.

Why is it important to use “I” messages instead of “You” messages when carefronting?

Of the five tools for carefronting, which one(s) stand(s) out to you and why?

What happens when we use these tools to show others their delusion?

Keys to Being an Effective Facilitator

KEYS TO BEING AN EFFECTIVE FACILITATOR

Creating Community – Have a welcoming attitude and an accepting body posture

12 mins

Know Your Limitations – Don’t give advice but point people to the Bible and Christian Counseling.

Living Free Group Format – Introduction, Self-Awareness, Spiritual Awareness, & Application

Start and End with Prayer – Invite the Holy Spirit into your groups and take prayer requests.

Ground Rules for Groups – Confidentiality is a must

Follow the Curriculum and Keep it Christ Centered – Each Living Free study is designed to be followed so that the Word of God is presented, the Holy Spirit guides, and the people of God gives encouragement.

A facilitator needs certain main qualities to be effective:

• A Servant’s Heart

• Emotional Stability

• A Commitment to Be Like Christ

Additional material on being an effective facilitator:

IT IS THE FACILITATOR’S JOB TO . . .

• Open the meetings with prayer.

• Stick to the time schedule.

• Have a co-facilitator.

• Ask questions.

• Work within your limitations.

• Listen actively.

• Respect each group member’s comfort level.

• Keep the group focused and on time.

• Share his or her own feelings and experiences at appropriate moments.

• Facilitate—keep the process going.

• Keep Christ at the center of the group.

• Set a tone that balances sensitivity and humor.

IT IS NOT THE FACILITATOR’S JOB TO . . .

• Do group therapy (open deep wounds).

• Do most of the talking.

• Give advice.

• Judge.

• Answer most of the questions.

• Interpret what group members say, instead, reflect what they say.

• Dominate the group in any way.

• Forget to pray regularly for each group member.

SPIRITUAL AWARENESS

It is important to provide an environment for healing and growth. Paul writes, “But we were gentle among you. . . . We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well” (1 Thessalonians 2:7-8).

Eight Core Conditions of Helping

One way to create an environment of healing and growth is to practice the Eight Core Conditions of Helping.

Gary Sweeten, in Apples of Gold I and Apples of Gold II (adaptations of the work of Robert Carkhuff), shows eight qualities that are necessary for any person to be effective in helping relationships.

1. ACCURATE EMPATHY

Read Philippians 2:3-4

“Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.” NLT

How should we think of others?

Empathy is accurately perceiving what another person is saying and feeling. It is also communicating to the other person that you understand him or her while keeping an emotional separation. There is a difference between empathy and sympathy. Sympathy is feeling the feelings of another person and experiencing what that person is experiencing.

The following illustration communicates the difference between empathy and sympathy well: While walking down the street, a man heard someone yell for help. Looking up, he saw a woman standing on a fire escape, yelling that a fire had broken out in her apartment and asking for someone to call the fire department.

A. A sympathetic man would begin to cry out, tremble in fear, and identify with the woman. He would be immobilized by his emotional relationship because he could actually feel the same feelings as the victim.

B. An empathetic person would:

1. Accurately see the woman’s need.

2. Understand her feelings of concern but not feel them to the same level.

3. Accurately hear her request.

4. Respond appropriately.

2. WARMTH

Read Romans 12:10

”Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” NLT

What kind of affection should we show?

Warmth is primarily communicated nonverbally through a smile, a twinkle in the eye, body language, and non-possessive touch. It is the opposite of being given the “cold shoulder.” Various churches are often seen as “cold” or “warm” congregations, depending on the “climate” of the people.

By warmly attending to another person, we communicate openness, love, and acceptance. This enables others to develop trust, and it lessens defensiveness. Warmth is a primary component in facilitating openness on the part of the seeker.

3. RESPECT

Read 1 Peter 2:17

“Respect everyone and love the family of believers. Fear God, and respect the king.”

To whom should we show respect?

Respect is the most basic and most crucial of all the core conditions because it is most closely related to agape love. Respect indicates that I give people unconditional love, dropping conditions for acceptance. It does not mean that I cannot confront someone or hold a person accountable. On the contrary, it requires that I respect others enough to do just that.

Respect for all persons will cause us to . . .

• Initially suspend all conclusions and judgments, looking beyond sin to the person.

• Avoid labeling people.

• Take other people seriously, treating them as equals, not as inferiors.

• Never offer quick solutions to problems but trust people to come to their own conclusions.

• Be interested in the person’s concerns.

• Never show preference because of wealth, race, or social status.

4. GENUINENESS

Read Philippians 2:5-8

“You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross.” NLT

We find our best model for genuineness in the life of Christ. What kind of attitude did He show?

When we are genuine, we do not attempt to wear a mask on the outside to project an image of ourselves that is false. However, being genuine doesn’t mean that you have to be brutally honest and transparent to everyone you meet about everything that is happening in your life. It does mean that you need to learn how to share with the world in an honest manner those thoughts, feelings, and concerns that are true to your own being.

5. SELF-DISCLOSURE

Read James 5:16

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.” NLT

What are the two things that James tells us to do in this passage?

It is important to be able to share insights, experiences, and wisdom from your life as a helper in such a way that others may gain insight into dealing with their own issues and concerns.

Self-disclosure is probably the most often used and abused of all the eight core conditions.

Self-disclosure is one thing that people do not need to be taught, because it comes naturally to us. However, because of that, self-disclosure is often poorly used as a sincere attempt to help others. We must be careful that our self-disclosure does not become an inappropriate habit that closes off relationships instead of opening them up. Facilitators can develop a habit of talking too much about themselves; this will bore and offend group members. Effective helpers always listen more and self-disclose less.

6. CONCRETENESS

Read Luke 14:28-29

“But don’t begin until you count the cost. For who would begin construction of a building without first calculating the cost to see if there is enough money to finish it? Otherwise, you might complete only the foundation before running out of money, and then everyone would laugh at you.” NLT

How does this verse deal with specifics?

Concreteness forms the bridge from the general to the specific. Since active listening opens people up to share large amounts of information in the process of self-exploration, it is important to consider how you might help people move from the general to the specific so that appropriate action can ultimately be taken. There is biblical support for being specific in helping. One of these principles is this: Be sure to take all the facts into consideration prior to deciding a major course of action (this implies using concreteness). Biblical faith enables us to look squarely at the facts, yet have faith in God’s deliverance, mercy, and power.

7. CONFRONTATION

Read John 8:11

“No, Lord,” she said. And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.” NLT How does Jesus use both caring and confronting in this verse?

Facilitators have to be able to confront people with the truth in a loving way to help them break free of their deluded thinking. Living Free uses the term care-fronting, coined by David Augsburger.

8. IMMEDIATE FEEDBACK

Read Proverbs 27:5-6

”An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.” NLT

In what ways is immediate feedback which may include painful moments better for you than words from those who will not speak the truth to you?

When people in the group believe that you genuinely care for them, they will open up more. An important way caring is communicated is by giving people immediate feedback when they are sharing. Feedback is verbal and nonverbal, but it always communicates to the person speaking that you are interested in what he or she is saying.

INDIVIDUAL REFLECTION AND GROUP DISCUSSION

After your group has discussed the Core Conditions of Helping and answered the questions, please circle the ones you do well and underline the ones you need to work on.

Accurate Empathy

Warmth

Respect

Genuineness

Self-Disclosure

Concreteness

Confrontation

Immediate Feedback

APPLICATION

Discuss the following questions as a group.

In Colossians 4:6, the apostle Paul writes, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” What do you think a conversation “full of grace, seasoned with salt” means?

In what ways are “I” messages helpful and “You” messages hurtful? Can you think of any times when you have used “I” messages to defuse a tense situation?

What is the difference between care-fronting and confronting someone? Which do you think people do more often, and why?

Can you think of a time when someone care-fronted you? Use the space below to describe how you felt during that experience. If you’ve care-fronted someone recently, how did that person respond?

Which of the eight core conditions of helping do you possess naturally? Which ones will be the most challenging for you to develop?

FACILITATOR TRAINING

LEADING & LAUNCHING LIVING FREE

Segment

Launching Living Free Groups

INTRODUCTION

ALLOW MINUTES 5

Please verbally ask the entire group these questions before playing the segment video.

As you experience this segment, look for answers to these questions: Why is Living Free appropriate for everyone in your church, and how can it benefit them?

What are the steps to launching a Living Free ministry?

What are the ongoing needs and aspects of maintaining an effective Living Free ministry?

What does our congregation need to know about Living Free?

Steps to Getting Started & The Process

Steps to Launching Living Free & The Process

8 mins

1. Training Series – Invite everyone from your congregation to the workshop (7 hours, including lunch – Ask $25-$35 for registration which includes a guide ($20) and lunch.

2. Form your team - Select 4-10 people to become your LF Core team.

3. Take your Living Free Team & Facilitators through the Insight Group (9 Segments)

4. Plan for starting groups – As your leaders are going through the Insight group, plan for when you will be launching groups for your church. Advertise to the congregation (Signups, information table, brochures, social media, etc.)

5. Core Team to meet often to plan for future groups. (Always have an Insight Group as the initial group and have other groups available, depending on the number of facilitators and co-facilitators.

These steps and others are given in more detail next:

GROUP DISCUSSION

ALLOW

How do you get started? It’s easy if you follow the eight steps

Please cover these steps in the entire group(s) and give a few moments for the small groups to discuss the application portion of this segment.

STEPS TO ESTABLISHING A LIVING FREE MINISTRY

1. Conduct the Living Free training. This training series can benefit anyone in the church, so the first step is to expose as many people as possible in your congregation to the training described in this book. You do the training yourself or have one of our nationally-certified faculty come to your church and lead the session for you.

2. Conduct initial Insight Groups for your facilitators and any other interested leaders. Everyone who becomes a Living Free facilitator needs to go through an Insight Group. From the group you train using the Living Free curriculum, you should choose facilitators and co-facilitators to conduct your Insight Groups.

3. Appoint a Living Free team leader (Coordinator) and form your Core Leadership Team. After conducting the first Insight Group, you should have a good idea of who should be on your Core Team. Those people who have a heart and an aptitude for leading groups should be chosen by the church leadership to serve. The Core Team Manual that you can order from Living Free provides step-by-step guidance. This group, led by a Core Team Coordinator, will implement the Living Free ministry in your church and will help facilitate follow-up small groups.

4. Identify the topics for the small groups you will offer. The Core Team should plan the next groups to be offered after the Insight Group based upon the needs of your congregation and community. Living Free has a wide range of small group resources for support groups of all types. Normally a church will have an Insight Group forming at regular intervals as new people express an interested in joining. We suggest everyone participate in the Insight Group as a prerequisite for joining the other groups. You will also want to provide Free to Grow groups— these groups are specifically designed to minister to those who have experienced setbacks or disappointment. Free to Grow prepares participants for the “Appropriate Ministry” phase.

5. Establish an intercessory prayer group—or incorporate prayer for Living Free into an existing prayer group. Prayer is essential to helping people overcome life-controlling problems.

6. Plan for outreach. Many churches have found that segments 1-4 of the Living Free training and the Insight Group are excellent entry points for outreach. Advertise your groups to the community through newspaper and social media.

7. Develop a communications plan. Determine the most effective ways to get the word out about your new Living Free ministry. The Living Free promo video, testimonies, bulletins inserts, and flyers are all excellent ways to publicize.

8. Implement the Living Free flow chart described next.

The Big Picture

The training you have just covered in this guide is just the entry point to the Living Free group ministry. For your church to have a viable, ongoing Living Free ministry, it is best to follow the process described in the flow chart on the next page. The goal is to move down the flow chart from creating: Awareness of life-controlling problems to Affirmation of people to Living free.

LIVING FREE MODELS OF MINISTRY

Determine the model which best fits your current vision and be willing to use Living Free to reach your church and community.

Church* – Relevant, Biblical small groups facilitated by members of your congregation

Community** – Individual or a group of churches forming neutral site support groups

Corrections** – Small group ministry inside county, state, and federal corrections facilities

Connected – Online groups and training

Corporation – Marketplace ministry developing groups in businesses

*For the Church model of Living Free Ministry, please refer to the Living Free Team Manual for more details on launching churchbased Living Free groups.

**For the Community and Corrections Models, please refer to the Living Free Community Start-Up and Operating Manual.

Living Free can benefit everyone in the church because we all have struggles and problems.

Every week, people of all ages go to church, their jobs and school giving the impression on the outside that all is well in their lives. But inside many are struggling or harboring secret pain. They may feel trapped by issues that are controlling their lives. It could be a relationship problem. Anger or bitterness. Pride. Abuse of alcohol, drugs, credit cards, digital devices, or the internet. The list goes on because we live in an addictive culture that touches most of us. Whatever is holding us back from our relationship with God is a life-controlling challenge.

Many of these people could benefit from individualized concern or counsel from a pastor, but pastors can’t possible handle all of the problems and struggles in their church and community. That’s where Living Free comes in.

Using biblically based principles, Living Free groups give people a safe place to deal with the private pain that rarely surfaces in public situations. It’s also a place where you can learn to help others—family members and friends—to avoid life-controlling problems.

In today’s churches and communities, we see the need more and more for relationship-based ministry so that we can help each other deal with struggles we face in daily living. Churches need a healthy combination of corporate worship of God and small groups that focus on relationships and felt needs, drawing people to turn to Jesus and the Word of God to find answers.

You might feel that you don’t need this kind of ministry, but your presence may be the very difference in someone’s life. God calls us to share our lives with others. If you are willing to share your life with others in this small group ministry, you may turn out to be a lifesaver to someone who desperately needs help ... and in the process, you just might find that you have had needs in your life met as well.

Small Group Flow Chart

How is this Flow Chart Implemented?

Through a local church Core Team (ministry team) based on the Living Free Training Series and the Core Team Manual

Awareness

Train yourself to be Godly (1 Timothy 4:7).

Assessment

Examine yoursleves to see whether you are (or where you are) in the faith (2 Corinthians 13:5).

Advancement

Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead (Philippians 3:13).

Appropriate Ministry

God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19).

BEHAVIORS • EMOTIONS • ATTITUDES • RELATIONSHIPS • SUBSTANCES

Affirmation

But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ (2 Peter 3:18).

Where to Go from Here:

You now know all the steps to launch a Living Free ministry in your church or ministry setting. In summary,

1. Review and implement the 8 Steps outlined earlier in this section describing how to establish an effective Living Free ministry. You have already completed the first step—you conducted the Living Free workshop & facilitator training using this series.

2. Order the Living Free Team Manual and materials for the Insight Group, which comes next. Simply call us at 1.800.879.4770 or order from our website at www.livingfree.org.

3. Repeat the process on an ongoing basis because offering the introductory Living Free training series (particularly Segments 1 to 4) is a good entry point for small groups.

APPLICATION

To close out this series, discuss the following questions as a group.

ALLOW MINUTES 15

1. Why is a master plan important to the success of any ministry, particularly Living Free?

2. Satan is eager to stop our efforts to help people find freedom in Christ. What are some obstacles that could keep this ministry from getting off the ground? How can we begin to deal with those issues?

3. Look at the list of reasons why new ministries fail in the Knowing More section. How can we address these issues before we initiate Living Free in our church?

The Bible promises freedom: “If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed” (John 8:36). We pray that through your ministry, you will help many people walk confidently in Christ, free from lifecontrolling problems. May God bless you.

CONCLUSION : CONGRATULATIONS

Set up a time for your core team of facilitators to go through an Insight group together and pray and plan for launching and leading your first Living Free groups. Plan to offer this workshop and facilitator training series at least two times per year to provide continuing education and to attract new facilitators.

FACILITATOR TRAINING

LEADING & LAUNCHING LIVING FREE

Knowing More

INTRODUCTION

BONUSSegment

In this section are additional resources that will be valuable in helping you implement a Living Free Ministry, improve facilitation skills, and better understand the trap of life-controlling problems.

Common Reasons Why New Ministries in the Church Fail

As you consider launching a Living Free ministry, keep in mind these four common reasons why new ministries in churches often fail.

Ministries fail if they don’t meet a real need. Do you know the needs of the people in your congregation? Where are they hurting? What issues are causing them to struggle? Does Living Free address some of these issues?

Ministries fail if the minister does not give full support to the ministry. It is important that the minister publicly endorse the ministry, be involved in the launch of it, and attend initial meetings. When the minister offers vision and encouragement by treating the ministry as a vital contribution to the church’s mission, Living Free small groups will be effective.

Ministries fail if they are poorly organized. Living Free has a definite organizational structure. Follow the structure laid out in our curricula to avoid this pitfall.

Ministries fail if they lack committed leadership. Core Team members need to have a clear responsibility and be committed to the ministry. Facilitators are encouraged to attend Core Team meetings once or twice a month. These meetings provide a place for facilitators to receive support and be ministered to as well as participate in planning.

More about the Coordinator and Core Team

Throughout this training, we have mentioned the Coordinator and Core Team for your Living Free ministry. As you can see, they handle many important responsibilities.

The pastor can suggest a possible Coordinator and can invite people to be on the Core Team. Or, someone in the congregation can volunteer to coordinate Living Free. The Coordinator schedules the Core Team meetings and is the contact for the pastor. The Coordinator also helps train new leaders.

Before Core Team members begin running the ministry, they need to go through Living Free training and participate in an Insight Group together. This sends three important messages to the congregation:

• Helpers need to know their own spiritual and emotional needs.

• This ministry is for everyone, not just for “problem people.”

• Helpers need on-the-job training.

Living Free is not a one-time experience or a disjointed array of small groups. It is a process.

The foundation of any process-oriented ministry is a master plan. The Core Team needs a prayerful assessment of where it wants the ministry to go. This Core Team sets up a master plan and communicates it to the congregation. The Core Team Manual outlines the basics of this plan, which is comprehensive, detailed, and flexible.

In order for the process to keep going, new facilitators need to be encouraged and trained on an ongoing basis. Some churches may want to run the Living Free training using this DVD series every quarter or every six months. Every participant in the Living Free training should be viewed as a potential facilitator of future groups.

Considerations for Growing a Living Free Ministry in Your Church

• To be successful, the ministry will need the same priority given to other important ministries of the church.

• Everyone needs to understand that becoming a facilitator is a process of mutual discernment that includes the individual’s desire to lead a group and the Core Team’s agreement that he or she is ready to lead.

• Always recruit church leaders to participate in the groups. The more leaders that go through the groups, the fewer people will believe that the groups are only for those who are “really having problems.”

• Avoid stigmatizing the Living Free ministry! People will resist attending groups where they are labeled. This is why you must promote the Insight Group as a positive experience appropriate for everyone.

• Teamwork is important—there is strength in numbers. Without the team approach, helpers are likely to become overburdened.

• Members of the Core Team should be respected by the congregation, trustworthy, and committed to Christ.

• The Living Free model is designed to be flexible. You can choose how to use it to best fit the structure of your ministry.

• After your group facilitators gain experience, you will want to reach out to your community to meet people where they are hurting.

• It may take some time to start a helping ministry for people with life-controlling problems. Some people will take the “wait and see” approach. They need support, but it may take time to gain their confidence.

• Facilitators should never make claims concerning a leader’s ability or the group’s ability to solve a participant’s problem. Keep the focus on Christ and biblical principles.

• Confidentiality should be explained during the orientation session of the group. What is discussed in the group should not be mentioned outside the group. Facilitators should explain that confidentiality will be broken if people are a danger to themselves or to others (i.e., the revealing of suicidal tendencies or the reporting of child abuse).

• Group leaders should be aware of their limitations. Some participants may need the care of professional Christian counselors. See Core Team Manual for additional information.

(FAQ) Frequently Asked Questions about Living Free Groups

Q: Can participants be added to the groups after they have started?

A: It is best not to receive new members after the first or second session. Since each session builds on the previous session, adding new members after you are more than two sessions into the series will hinder the trust level.

Q: Where do people go if groups have already started and they need help?

A: The first 5 segments of Living Free are an effective introduction to life-controlling problems or you may want to have a topical subject group for people to join until the next Insight Group opens up. It is good to have Insight Groups starting every two to three weeks so new participants can join without much delay.

Q: Do you suggest same-gender groups?

A: It is okay, but probably not best for normal routine. Having same-gender groups could leave the impression that heavy and deep, secret problems are being shared and this may frighten some people from joining the groups. Since we live in a society of males and females, coed groups would deal with that reality. However, it is best to have same-gender groups if the emphasis is sexual in nature (abuse, addiction, etc.).

Q: Should specific sexual sins or acts be discussed in the small group setting?

A: No. The discussion of sexual sins often leads to lustful thinking among group members and may lead some to unholy bonding. For this reason a person dealing with a sexual sin should say that he or she is dealing with impurity and not discuss the details. For those who need more intense help that may involve details, we suggest that those discussions be with a mature, godly person who can handle the information.

Q: Can the Living Free concept be integrated into a church that already has active small groups or cell groups?

A: Yes. We recommend that all small group leaders go through the Living Free DVD series, which will help prepare them for meaningful ministry in this culture. All cell group participants will benefit from participating in the Insight and Free to Grow Groups and focused “Appropriate Ministry” groups as needed.

Q: When is it best to conduct the Living Free groups?

A: There are various approaches that churches use. Most churches take childcare into consideration. It is good to meet when childcare is available, or group members may want to hire a childcare supervisor with a collection each week.

Q: Should the same group leaders stay with the same group for more than one group series (Insight Group, Concerned Persons, Stepping into Freedom, etc.)?

A: Caution should be exercised about group members’ becoming overly attached to group leaders or the group becoming introverted. It is probably best not to keep the same leaders and participants together for more than two courses unless personnel constraints prevent such planning.

Sample Group Member Letter

Below is a sample letter that can be used as a guide to enroll participants. This letter gives important information about how your ministry is not a substitute for medical or psychological care.

Dear Friend,

Welcome to the (insert your ministry name) ministry of the ______________________ Church.

We are pleased you have chosen to be a part of this ministry. Each person in our ministry is trained to listen, pray, and help others find biblical wisdom with which to guide their lives. Although we believe that all of us are created in God’s image and consist of a body, soul, and spirit, our approach is primarily spiritual and biblical rather than simply psychological or physiological. However, we all attempt to live our lives and carry out our ministry in consistency with sound psychological principles that are in harmony with biblical principles. Each of our group leaders has been through a training program that emphasizes the importance of human relationships built on Christian theology and the power of the Holy Spirit.

It is important for you as a group participant to realize that we in the (insert your ministry name) ministry of ______________________ Church are not a substitute for medical or psychological care.

We never advise anyone to stop taking medication or cancel their doctor’s care.

We give our time, compassion, and love solely as caring lay persons who want to be channels of Christ’s love to people who are hurting and who desire wholeness in Christ.

As noncredentialed persons, we promise no professional psychological expertise. However, we do have a desire to see the Lord help you with your struggles. We will join you in prayer.

Below are some guidelines that may be helpful to you as a group member.

• The _____________________ group will meet on ___________________ evenings.

• Sessions will start at _________ and conclude by _________.

• Our groups are normally led by two group facilitators.

• Please call in advance if you cannot attend a group meeting.

(Your name)

(Your ministry name)

Coordinator, ______________________ Church

Thanks to Dr. Terry Lewis for assistance.

Skills and Duties of Great Facilitators

A facilitator does not have to be an expert. Almost anyone can facilitate a Living Free group if they have a heart for people. The essential qualities of a good facilitator are a servant’s heart, emotional stability, and a commitment to becoming like Christ in attitude and behavior. A facilitator does not have to have all of the answers. He or she is there to share, not preach.

A FACILITATOR NEEDS CERTAIN QUALITIES AND SKILLS TO BE EFFECTIVE.

A facilitator should . . .

• Learn by participating in a group.

• Arrive before the group participants.

• Open the meetings with prayer.

• Ask questions.

• Listen actively. Reflect back to the person what you perceive he or she is saying.

• Keep the group focused and on time.

• Share his or her own feelings and experiences at appropriate moments.

• Keep Christ at the center of the group.

• Set a tone that balances sensitivity and humor.

• Keep the group on the topic; avoid “rabbit trails.”

• Establish an atmosphere of warmth and trust where the Holy Spirit is free to work in people’s lives. Help members know that there is trust and confidentiality within the body of Christ.

• Use yes-or-no questions to help quiet people feel comfortable about responding.

• Place the over-talkers out of eye contact. The more eye contact you have with a talkative person, the more it encourages him or her to talk. Place the talkers beside you.

• Facilitate—keep the process going.

• Care-front with respect and sensitivity.

• Respect each group member’s comfort level.

• Create the opportunity for openness.

• Arrange the chairs so members can easily see each other (a circle is best).

A facilitator should NOT . . .

• Do most of the talking.

• Answer most of the questions.

• Dominate the group in any way.

• Cut a person off while he or she is speaking.

• Be so focused on one person that you lose the attention of other group members.

• Make judgments or give opinions.

• Expect everyone to be comfortable about sharing right away or to have the same level of openness that others have.

• Assume that a quiet person isn’t getting anything out of the group.

• Do group therapy (open up deep wounds).

• Interpret what group members say; instead, reflect what they say.

• Be a “caretaker.”

• Be a “know-it-all.”

• Permit gossip during the group.

• Be afraid of silence.

• Give advice.

• Neglect to pray regularly for each group member.

FACILITATORS MUST KNOW THEIR LIMITATIONS.

Facilitators are laypersons, not professional clinicians. They need to know when to refer a person to a professional. People using alcohol or other drugs, people with mental illnesses, those who are a danger to themselves or others, and those with other major issues in their lives may need to be referred to a pastor, social worker, counselor, or other professional. Churches should put together a list of resource people and agencies for referral.

Essential Skills for Facilitators to Develop

AVOID BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION

The most common temptation of a leader is to talk the group to death, to dominate it, to explain, and to answer most of the questions, i.e., to be the “super Christian.” This temptation will be aided by the more immature members, who may be dependent upon authoritative figures. These individuals will try to rely on others for the answers instead of thinking for themselves. Any discussion that lasts too long between a leader and an individual loses the rest of the group. Avoid the temptation of feeling that the leader is superior— spiritually or otherwise. Ideally, the function of the leader is to start the discussion, give it direction, and thereafter to simply keep the discussion personal and on track.

MANAGE THE TIME WISELY

Keep the group on schedule with the different segments, but allow flexibility for people to respond to God. Begin and end the session on time, always allowing time at the end for prayer. People need to be able to count on you that the group will end on time. If they are held over, they may not return. If it is plain that you will need more time because someone in the group is sharing and needs additional time for ministry, be sure to officially dismiss the group on time and invite members who can stay longer to do so.

KEEP THE GROUP FOCUSED ON CHRIST AND NOT ON PAST FAILURES AND PAIN

It is okay to explain how the past has impacted our lives, but if the group is allowed to dwell there, the members tend to wallow in their misery and lose sight of how they can respond to God in the present.

GUARD THE COMFORT LEVEL OF GROUP MEMBERS

Although it does not happen often, someone may begin to disclose too many graphic details of his or her life to the group. If you are uncomfortable with the direction the person is going, gently interrupt the person and help him or her understand that some issues are best discussed in a private session with a minister or other trained person.

We recommend that most groups include both men and women. In these settings, when someone is disclosing sexual sin, we suggest that the person not disclose details beyond the simple fact that they are struggling with sexual purity or a personal problem.

PROTECT MEMBERS FROM THOSE WHO WANT TO PLAY “THERAPIST”

Learn to head off members who “interrogate” other members by asking them too many questions. Take charge of the group when any one member is giving advice to another or is trying to interpret what is being said. Don’t let anyone probe other members for details of a painful experience.

If someone in the group starts to probe, say to that person something like, “Let’s let Bill tell it the way he sees it” or “Why don’t we give Bill a chance to finish what he has to say?” Each person shares only what he or she freely chooses to say—and no more.

STEER THE GROUP AWAY FROM CONTROVERSIAL SUBJECTS

Keep the group on subject, and avoid controversial discussions such as politics, personalities, and doctrinal disputes. These will only waste group time and divert attention from the real issues. Some members will use controversy to avoid dealing with their own problems.

LEARN TO LISTEN

Listen with your ears (hear what is being said), with your eyes (be attentive to the one speaking), and with your heart (respond with appropriate emotion). Give each person sharing your undivided attention. Don’t worry about what you are going to say—just be there in the moment, and trust God to work. Give verbal responses to what people say and nonverbal responses to let them know you are there with them.

SET GOOD BOUNDARIES, AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

Don’t “take care of” group members; let them solve their own problems. If you begin to try to solve problems of group members, you will eventually burn yourself out. Be aware that codependency is a real trap for some facilitators.

If you begin to feel stressed, talk to your minister and Core Team members.

Challenges and Techniques of Group Communication

Communication in a group is a complex matter. Complexities rise with the number of persons involved. Communication is verbal and nonverbal; it conveys feelings, ideas, hopes, opinions, judgments, and anticipations. Good communication requires the ability to listen and to enter into the experiences of others. A good communicator is able to capably express his or her ideas and feelings to others. Skill in communication requires practice. Often old patterns need to be broken so that new patterns of listening and speaking can be learned.

Discussions are better facilitated when a leader asks a question and looks around the group until someone answers. The leader then asks, “What did others find?” or “What facts did someone else discover?” The leader watches for someone who wants to speak rather than pointing out a specific individual.

When a leader patiently persists with good guiding questions, the members will begin addressing their replies to the group and the group grows from leader centered to group centered.

Seldom answer your own question: Direct queries to the group and wait! If no one responds, then rephrase the question, or just wait it out. Don’t be afraid of silence. Make the group dig for answers. Don’t let your insecurity about silent moments ruin God’s dialogue with members of the group.

When a leader continually directs questions to specific individuals, it may embarrass those persons if they do not have an answer. Directing questions to individuals can result in the group’s becoming dependent on the leader to conduct a series of conversations. Any discussion that lasts too long between a leader and an individual loses the rest of the group.

Facilitation of sharing in a group may entail quieting the compulsive talker and bringing the silent person into the discussion. The first step in quieting an overly talkative person is to stop encouraging his or her behavior. This can be done by breaking eye contact with the speaker and by not nodding your head. Eye contact and nodding the head encourage him or her to keep talking. If this does not work, the next step is to divert the conversation away from the person by means of a question or statement, like “Perhaps someone else would like to share what they have discovered about this”; “While we are on this point, let’s hear from some of the others”; “Can we save your other points until later?”; or “You’ve raised a number of interesting points that should keep us busy a good while. Would anyone else like to comment on them?” If all your “hints” are not successful, you may need to speak with the person privately.

Seating arrangements affect communication: People who sit across from each other speak more to each other than do people sitting next to each other. Make sure everyone can see everyone else. A circle of chairs is best, and eye contact is a must.

Things to Remember when Leading Groups

A stronghold becomes an idol in our lives when it diverts our attention from our relationship with Christ.

We begin to trust the idol to help us cope with life, and the idol eventually becomes a substitute for a relationship with God. The second commandment found in God’s Word, the Bible, says: “You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God” (Exodus 20:4-5).

Anything that we substitute for God is an idol. Jeffrey Van Vonderen, in his book Good News for the Chemically Dependent, defines an idol as:

Anything besides God to which we turn, positive or negative, in order to find life, value, and meaning is idolatry: Money, property, jewels, sex, clothes, church buildings, educational degrees, anything! Because of Christ’s performance on the cross, life, value, and purpose are available to us in gift form only.

Anything we do, positive or negative, to earn that which is life by our own performance is idolatrous: robbing a bank, cheating on our spouse, people-pleasing, swindling our employer, attending church, giving 10 percent, playing the organ for twenty years, anything!

Idolatry leads to addiction.

When we follow idols, a choice has been made to look to the behavior, emotion, attitude, relationship, or substance for help that only God can provide. Following an idol will prevent us from serving and loving God freely. Idols only add baggage to our lives and weigh us down. As the prophet Jeremiah states, “They must be carried because they cannot walk” (Jeremiah 10:5).

John Stott gives a clear comparison between idols and God:

For idols are dead; God is living. Idols are false; God is true. Idols are many; God is one. Idols are visible and tangible; God is invisible and intangible, beyond the reach of sight and touch. Idols are creatures, the work of human hands; God is the Creator of the universe and of all humankind. . . . And the more sophisticated idols (that is, God-substitutes) of modern secular cities are equally powerful. Some people are eaten up with a selfish ambition for money, power, or fame. Others are obsessed with their work, or with sport or television, or are infatuated with a person, or addicted to food, alcohol, hard drugs, or sex. Both immorality and greed are later pronounced by Paul to be forms of idolatry because they demand an allegiance which is due to God alone. So every idolater is a prisoner, held in humiliating bondage (39).

Why This Approach?

Living Free is a ministry that can have a positive impact on your total church family. It does not focus only on those persons with the most desperate needs, but rather ministers to the whole church.

Most churches can be described by what we call the 20-6-20 ratio. Twenty percent of the people will thrive in life and their walk with Christ no matter what comes their way. Sixty percent of the people struggle with issues from time to time, but at least outwardly seem to have it together. Twenty percent of the people are hanging by a thread, their lives are chaotic, and they struggle openly with life-controlling problems.

Many are surprised to learn that our focus at Living Free is not on the most desperate, but rather on the whole congregation. If we focus only on the most desperate, we will become isolated from the majority of people who are struggling our churches in less obvious ways. When we concentrate on the entire congregation, and include the twenty percent with obvious problems in the process, everyone benefits and the whole church is strengthened.

Living Free groups are designed to have a beginning and an end. Some support groups never have an end, and this can wear your staff down as well as make people too dependent on a narrow group of people. Our groups are designed to last nine to thirteen weeks.

Our desire is to apply the truths of Scripture to the struggles that we all face in order that we may grow in our relationship to God and experience growing freedom from the “corruption in the world caused by evil desires.” (2 Peter 1:4 NIV)

Introduction to Small Groups

Small groups are a way to offer Christian love and support. People are in search of “meaningful relationships.” With Christ as the center of small groups a therapy can be provided which is not otherwise available. The ultimate therapist is the Holy Spirit.

Small groups are not new. They have been around for some time. Jesus met with his 12 disciples. This is a clear example of small group at work. Not only did the disciples benefit from this experience, Jesus received close fellowship with this group. “He appointed twelve—designating them apostles—that they might be with him and that he might send them out to preach” (Mark 3:14). It is no accident that twelve people or less is suggested for small group participation.

Christians have met together for 2000 years with Christ as the focus and the Bible as the road map. These fellowships have included Bible study and prayer under various circumstances. Christians have met in homes, churches, and in catacombs. Small groups were active in the New Testament church (Acts 2:41-42, 47-48). Small groups are not to take the place of corporate worship their function is to compliment the assembly worship. Small groups can provide an environment for spiritual healing and growth. Small groups, where Christ is the focus, are Christian community. The church is the hospital. Small groups are the support unit of the church.

Small groups can provide a nonthreatening environment for people to receive help in dealing with their struggles (life-controlling problems). It is a place for them to take a look at themselves and focus on practical steps to grow in Christ as well as build trust in each other as the “body of Christ.” Small group is a place to be yourself, to receive encouragement and affirmation, and to develop accountability to Christ and to one another.

Small group is a good place for individual prayer. Prayer can be personalized, “therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective” (James 5:16).

Living Free recommends 12 people or less with two group facilitators. People need personalized attention in small groups. More than 12 participants may prevent some from receiving personalized ministry.

There are various aspects of small groups discussed in this manual. We encourage you to read and study this manual before starting a Living Free small group.

Historical View of Small Groups

Over the last several years, the church and society have seen a distinct increase in the small group movement. Many agree the reason for this has been the societal changes of the past few decades. Our society has become an addicted society—addicted to substances, behaviors and relationships. People in today’s society struggle to cope with drug abuse, sexual abuse, family fragmentation, loneliness, lack of community closeness, high crime and numerous other difficult problems. A longing for meaningful relationships is prevalent. The Church can be the agent through which this longing can be filled. Small groups can provide a non-threatening environment where people can build trust in each other and help each other deal with his/her own struggles.

In the Church, small groups can be far more effective than in a secular setting. In Christ-centered small groups which have a specific curriculum and focus, an atmosphere for spiritual healing and growth is prevalent because the gospel of Jesus Christ, the power of the Holy Spirit and insight from the Scripture can be presented. Small groups can also be a tremendous evangelism tool as the Church presents the Gospel to those who are seeking help.

A group can have a significant influence, positive or negative, on its individual members. Social psychologists define a group as a collection of people who interact regularly in fairly structured and predictable ways, who are oriented toward one or more specific goals which are aimed at satisfying certain shared needs and who have a feeling of group identity and solidarity. They feel themselves a part of the whole, sharing a common fate.

Small groups have a strong element of peer pressure because of regular interaction and orientation toward specific goals. However, when Christ is not the center, the peer power of the group can be negative. People can be lead to look to something, someone, or their own self as their higher power. One story that illustrates

the negative power is about a young college student who was a political activist on her college campus. Being politically radical, she was even into trying to overthrow the system of government at the school. However, during this time, she joined a religious cult group on campus and shortly thereafter, to the surprise of her family, underwent a drastic personality change. The girl who had been so strong-willed and independent became meek and obedient. Within three months she was obeying everyone to the extreme, even to the point of giving herself to any guy who demanded she do so. For four years she lived under the influence of this group.

Although small group influence without proper direction can be abusive, there is a positive influence when Christ is the focus that can bring people to wholeness. I have heard many testimonies from people who have received Christ as Savior, had their marriage miraculously put back together, had suicides prevented, addictions broken, etc. as a result of the positive influence the Christ-centered small group had on their lives.

John Wesley (1703-1791) had a fervent ministry of evangelism which addressed social concerns through small groups. Wesley had a highly organized system of group life including these groups; society, class meeting, Band, select society and pertinent band. These groups provided group experience at various levels, steps of group life. Although Wesley received much criticism about his emphasis on confession, “Confess your faults to one another” (James 5:16) continued to be one of his most quoted scripture verses. These were meetings of small groups of people for the purpose of prayer, reading and sharing.

Frank Buchman (1878-1961), a Lutheran minister, was the founder of the Oxford Group movement (later known as Moral Rearmament) which spread rapidly. Although very controversial, his impact on Christianity in the twentieth century cannot be denied. Buchman believed that the greatest hindrance in a person knowing God was the appetites of the flesh. His concept was that everyone was in need of change and people should meet together for confessions and prayer. His principles of change were instrumental in the starting of the Alcoholics Anonymous movement.

Garth Lean in his book, On the Tail of a Comet, writes extensively about the life of Frank Buchman. Lean notes, “The early AA got its ideas of self-examination, acknowledgment of character defects, restitution for harm done, and working with others, straight from the Oxford Groups and directly from Sam Shoemaker… and from no where else” (152). Shoemaker experienced a change of life through Buchman’s ministry which started a twenty year association. Shoemaker later had an effective ministry to alcoholics at Calvary Church.

Lean further quotes Paul Tournier, the Swiss psychiatrist regarding Buchman’s effect on the church. Tournier states, “Before Buchman the church felt its job was to teach and preach, but not to find out what was happening in people’s souls. The clergy never listened in church, they always talked” (153). Many spin off movements dealing with social ills have found their roots in the AA movement where Buchman’s ideas were so influential.

Sunday School became the dominant small group movement in the late 1800s. Because it was not limited to a single denomination it had a broader affect than did the Wesley group meetings. Lyman Coleman says, “By 1950, 75% of church members were involved in Sunday school…by 1970 Sunday school with its emphasis on age category, on-site location and Sunday-only meetings was clearly in decline” (Warren Bird, “The Great Small-Group Takeover,” Christianity Today (7 February 1994: 27). However, the small group idea was moving to the forefront as a result of the emphasis on life issues, flexibility of meeting sites and days.

The small group has been through some dramatic changes over the past two decades and is hard to define, nonetheless, it is meeting a core need of today’s society. Small groups are popular in many different denominations, areas, and classes of people, and therefore churches can be flexible in responding to the various needs of its community. In recent years we have seen Sunday schools become more small-group oriented addressing felt needs. John Vaughan, professor of church growth at Southwest Baptist Seminary, Bolivar, Missouri, asserts that even though small groups play a strategic role in the assimilation and equipping ministry and most large churches survive through effectively instituting small groups, Sunday School should still be emphasized. “He notes that some churches emphasize home groups, some Sunday school, but only a few do both well” (Warren Bird, “The Great Small-Group Takeover,” Christianity Today (7 February 1994: 28,29).

“Overall, the small-group movement cannot be understood except in relation to the deep yearning for the sacred that characterized much of the American public. Indeed, a great deal of the momentum for the movement as a whole comes from the fact that people are interested in spirituality, on the one hand, and from the availability of vast resources from religious organizations, on the other. As a result, small groups are dramatically redefining how Americans think about God” (Robert Wuthnow, “How Small Groups Are Transforming Our Lives,” Christianity Today (7 February 1994: 23-24). There is a spiritual vacuum and hunger for meaningful relationships in this addictive society. A church that is prepared for the future must have a healthy combination of corporate worship of God and small groups which focus on relationships and felt needs.

Long before small groups were a popular trend Apostle Paul wrote about the church filling the role as a caring community (Ephesians 4). Gary Collins in his book Innovative Approaches to Counseling says: “The church is an evangelizing, preaching, teaching, disciplining, sending community. It also must be a therapeutic community where people find love, acceptance, forgiveness, support, hope, encouragement, burden-bearing, caring, meaning, opportunities for service, challenge, and help in times of need. Within the church community, people can find others who share ‘like precious faith’ and who value the spiritual issues that secular therapists so often overlook” (30).

With the breakdown of the family, many people are without mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters. Small groups provide family ties and assistance in developing one-another relationships. Breaking through the isolation and pain, “God sets the lonely in families” (Psalm 68:6).

A Biblical Perspective for Small Group Helpers

Galatians 6:1-5

Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.

Goal: Help to be dependent on Christ • Restore to fellowship in Body of Christ

I. Help For the Trapped (v1)

“If someone is caught in a sin”

A. Helped Helpers (v1)

“You who were spiritual”

B. Humble Helpers (v1)

“But watch yourself, or you may also be tempted”

C. Hand-in-Hand Helpers (v2)

“Carry each other’s burdens”

II. Helper Traps

A. Delusion (v3)

“If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself”

B. Lack of Self-Examination (v4)

“Each one should test his own actions”

C. Lack of Self-Esteem (v4)

“Then he can take pride in himself”

D. Approval Trap (v4)

“Without comparing himself to someone else”

E. Lack of Personal Responsibility (v5)

“For each one should carry his own load”

Phases in Small Groups

PHASE 1 : TRUST BUILDING

A. GROUP PARTICIPANTS

• Building group trust

• Building leader trust

• Checking the integrity of the group experience

• Concerned about confidentiality

• Usually discusses surface issues versus real need

B. GROUP FACILITATORS TASK

• Share self first in each go-around or exercise

• Express caring attitude

• Emphasize sharing within “comfort level”

• Be positive

• Show enthusiasm

• Use past-tense go-arounds

• Help group participants see each group session as a part of the whole

• Develop atmosphere of love and acceptance

• No one is forced to talk. It’s OK for a group member to pass on an exercise (this includes all phases).

• Encourage group members to be patient in their expectations

PHASE 2 : MUTUALITY

A. GROUP PARTICIPANTS

• Emotional involvement deepens.

• The group begins to take form.

• Bonding between group members develop.

• Feel more free to express their feelings.

• Personal needs or concerns may be shared.

• Leadership shared within the group.

B. GROUP FACILITATORS TASK

• Use present tense go-arounds.

• Give attention to the group process.

• Begin to change role as leader to that of facilitator.

• Keep group on subject.

• Leadership as facilitator shared with group.

• Active listening.

• Clarifying and paraphrasing responses from group participants.

A. GROUP PARTICIPANTS

• Carefront each other with respect and sensitivity.

• Point out strengths of other group members.

• Help each other deal with struggles.

• Learn to level within their own “comfort zone”.

• Begin to see themselves more clearly.

• Begin to see the need to make changes that would please the Lord.

• Quiet members become more talkative.

• Begin to value their time together.

• Conversation moves from the casual to the personal.

• Ministry to each other.

B. GROUP FACILITATORS TASK

• Help people focus on the Lord’s work in their life.

• Begin to focus on the healing versus the hurt.

• Encourage group members to encourage each other in love (firm love versus sloppy agape).

• Be the last one to evaluate in peer evaluations.

• Use affirmation go-arounds.

• Tactfully discourage those who may “overtalk” the group.

• Keep the focus on the person receiving ministry. Others may unconsciously shift the focus to themselves.

PHASE 4 : ACCOUNTABILITY

A. GROUP PARTICIPANTS

• Close feelings with bonding

• More individual goals

• Some may become “preachy”

• New ideas arise

• Identity “in Christ” increases

• Hold each other accountable

• Spiritual disciplines are developed

B. GROUP FACILITATORS TASK

• Let go of need to be primary helper

• Help group members reach potential

• Encourage commitment to “local church”

• Keep Christ the center of accountability

• Use accountable and/or affirmation go-arounds

Building Relationships in the Small Group

Positive personal relationships belong at the heart of any good small group. Human beings were created to live in relationship with God and with each other. Understanding group dynamics, communication skills, and the use of sharing questions can help leaders and members to build the sense of community so important in group life.

Small groups do not begin after everyone has arrived, or all have taken a seat and the leader says, “Let’s start.” The small group actually beings when the second person enters the meeting room.

Each person who comes to the group should be welcomed warmly, greeted by name, chatted to for a few moments and made to feel as if someone has been waiting for them to come and looking forward to their presence. For this reason, the leader should make every effort to be one of the first people to arrive and should focus on people, not on last-minute arrangements.

SEATING

Seating arrangements are important to a good discussion. As far as possible, arrange the seating in a circle so that each person can easily see all the other members without having to turn physically in their direction. Minimize the distances between people so that they can see and hear each other with few distractions. Seating should all be at the same level, not with some seated on the floor, for example, and some on chairs. Eye contact is difficult unless there are clear sight lines between members, with no lamps, flower arrangements or other intrusions. Seats should be comfortable and preferably have a back if the meeting is to last for any length of time.

LATECOMERS

Be prepared for latecomers. Groups are often uncertain about how to deal with latecomers. Do you wait for everyone to arrive before you begin? This may delay the meeting unduly. Do you stop the discussion when a latecomer enters? What about seating?

Have a plan. Begin the group at the pre-selected starting time or when a majority are present. If others are expected, have seating ready for them so that no one has to get up when they arrive. The leader should acknowledge the latecomer saying briefly, “Welcome . . . we were just doing” and then continue. Long explanations or starting again should be avoided. Latecomers should not be ignored, but neither should they be given excessive attention. You hope they will come earlier next time.

Developing good patterns of participation in the group discussion is one of the most challenging and rewarding of all group activities. The goal should be to involve all members of the group so that no one person dominates the discussion and no one is ignored or excluded.

SHARING QUESTIONS

One way to do this is to begin a new small group by asking a personal “sharing question.” This is a question which gives people permission to talk about themselves in a relatively safe way. The question should be one that can be answered easily by every member. This brief question can be answered in three or four sentences by each of the group in turn, for example: What are two things you can tell us about yourself that would help us to know you? Or: Tell us something about yourself. What is the one main thing you do in your work and what is one thing you do for fun or enjoyment? Or: Tell us who you are and what you are hoping to get out of this group. Or: Who are you? Describe yourself in five key words or phrases.

NAMES

In a new group the use of names is very important. Many people cannot remember names if they do not see them written down. Large name tags or a sheet of paper passed around with all the names on it may be helpful during the first meeting. Someone has said that the sweetest sound in anyone’s ear is the sound of his or her own name. The frequent use of names builds a sense of belonging and connectedness. Helping people to learn names quickly gives a sense of comfort and increases direct communication between group members.

INFORMATION SHEET

Consider preparing an information sheet. Ask group members to write down their names and addresses with home phone numbers and any additional information desired, such as birthday or names and ages of children or place of work. Make a copy of this list available to each group member by the second meeting, so that members can get in touch with each other between meetings as well as learn a little bit about each other from the information sheet.

Adapted from USING THE BIBLE IN GROUPS, by Roberta Hestenes. (c) Roberta Hestenes 1983. Adapted and used by permission of the Westminster/John Knox Press.

Communication Skills in Small Groups

Communication in a group is a complex matter. Complexities rise with the number of persons involved. Communication is verbal and nonverbal, and conveys feelings, ideas, hopes, opinions, judgments, and anticipations. Good communication requires ability to listen and to enter into the experiences of others. A good communicator is able to capably express his ideas and feelings to others but skill in communication requires practice. Often old patterns need to be broken so that new patterns of listening and speaking can be tried.

The most common temptation of a leader is to talk the group to death, dominating, explaining, and answering most of the questions, i.e., to be the “Super Christian.” This temptation will be aided by the more immature members who are dependent upon authoritative figures. They will always try to get answers instead of thinking for themselves. Avoid the temptation of feeling that the leader is superior, spiritually or otherwise. Ideally, the function of the leader is to start the discussion, give it direction, and thereafter simply keep the discussion personal and on track.

When a leader continually directs questions to specific individuals, they may embarrass that person or persons if they do not have an answer. Directing discussions to individuals can result in the group becoming dependent on the leader to conduct a series of conversations. Any discussion that lasts too long between a leader and an individual loses the rest of the group.

Discussions are better facilitated when a leader asks a question and looks around the group until someone answers. The leader then asks, “What did others find?” or “What facts did someone else discover?” The leader watches for someone who wants to speak rather than pointing out a specific individual. When a leader patiently persists with good guiding questions, the members will begin addressing their replies to the group. The group grows from leader-centered to group-centered.

Facilitating sharing in a group may entail quieting the compulsive talker and bringing the silent person into the discussion. The first step in quieting the person who over-talks is to stop encouraging his behavior. This can be done by breaking eye contact with him and by not nodding your head. Eye contact and nodding the head encourage him to keep talking. If this does not work, the next step is to divert the conversation away from the person by means of a question or statement like: “Perhaps someone else would like to share what they have discovered about this” or “While we are on this point, let’s hear from some of the others.” “Can we save your other points until later?” or “You’ve raised a number of interesting points which should keep us busy a good while. Would anyone else like to comment on them?” If all your “hints” are not successful, you may need to speak with the person privately.

SEATING ARRANGEMENTS AFFECT COMMUNICATION:

• People who sit across from each other speak more to each other than people sitting next to each other. Make sure everyone can see everyone else. A circle of chairs is best, eye contact is a must. Five people on a couch is O-U-T.

• Do acknowledge all contributions. Never refuse an answer or put someone down for being “wrong.”

• Do encourage the beginner or shy member by asking direct, simple questions. Give special encouragement to these persons. Give everyone a chance. Some people love to talk; others are reticent. Do welcome pauses. Moments of silence quite often are followed by deep times of sharing.

• Do focus on personal growth and the future. Don’t dwell on the past.

• Do be flexible. While staying on the format and within the time schedule are important, don’t let form override the moving of the Spirit.

• Seldom answer your own questions; direct time to the group and wait! If no one responds, then rephrase the question, or just wait it out.

• Don’t be afraid of silence. Make the group dig for answers. Don’t let your insecurity of silent moments ruin God’s dialogue with members of the group. Don’t allow time to run out without prayer.

• Try to divert discussion or debates on controversial matters that could produce anger and hard feelings.

• Leaders, beginning group, should not ask, “Shall we share?” Simply ask a sharing question and see who responds.

SOME GENERAL SUGGESTIONS TO GROUP LEADERS:

• Listen when people speak. Hear what they’re saying and note what they don’t say.

• Don’t probe. Encourage people to share what they want. Remind them not to share past their level of comfort. If someone in the group starts to probe, say to them something like, “Let’s let Bill tell it the way he sees it” or “Why don’t we give Bill a chance to finish what he has to say?”

• Don’t give advice. Advice is cheap and sometimes disastrous. If a person specifically asks for advice, be general in your answers. Give him appropriate Scripture references to refer to later.

• Don’t judge. When someone shares a difficult personal experience or an unpopular opinion the love of the group will stand a crucial test. The person should not be put down. The group should accept a person as he is.

• Deal with the here-and-now. The past can be interesting, and valuable; however, the focus of a small group meeting should be kept on what is happening now to the individuals. Speaking of the past or of other people’s experiences is often superficial chit-chat. (There are exceptions, of course.)

• To discuss at length on theoretical levels is a sure way to kill in-depth sharing. It is possible to play intellectual ping-pong. When we share what we have discovered to be true through what we have experienced, we share ourselves. In so doing we share what Christ is to us.

• Model what you want the other members to do.

Special thanks to Dr. Terry Lewis for technical assistance.

Careful Confrontation

After concluding his sermon on Wednesday evening Max was greeted by Martha. With tears in her eyes she requested a visit for her and her husband, Ed, to discuss their son Gary. He was home from college for the summer and his behaviors were causing these Christian parents much pain.

On the following day Ed and Martha revealed to Max that Gary’s grades had plunged near the failing level. The university was about to remove his athletic scholarship for many rule infractions, and the clincher was when he came home intoxicated last Friday evening. Gary was considered a leader in his church youth group, and had been a top-notch student in high school respected by his peers and coaches, so, these events in Gary’s life over the past year concerned his parents.

An appointment was made for Gary to talk with Max. Although Gary honored the appointment, he did so with a great deal of indifference toward Max. Over a period of 9 sessions, Max and Gary met together with Max care-fronting Gary concerning the downward spiral of his life which appeared to be an addiction developing. Max used the care-fronting principles by David Augsburger (1980) which include focusing feedback on: the action, not the actor; your observations, not on your conclusions; descriptions, not on judgments; ideas, information and alternatives, not advice and answers; what and how, not why.

FEEDBACK ON ACTION, NOT ACTOR.

Max complemented Gary as a person but focused his discussion on his behaviors. He did this to give Gary the freedom to change without feeling personal rejection. Max was careful not to criticize Gary as a person, instead he focused on his coming home intoxicated, poor grades and discipline infractions which were threatening his football scholarship. When Gary tried to attack Max with a war of words, he always brought the discussion back to the facts of Gary’s behavior.

It is important to focus on the person’s behavior versus him as a person. Emphasis should be placed on what he does rather than attacking him personally.

FEEDBACK ON OBSERVATIONS, NOT CONCLUSIONS.

Max focused on statements of facts instead of what he thought or imagined. Max noticed that Gary would not look at him, was not giving him his full attention and seemed anxious for the discussion to conclude. Observing these actions, Max brought them to Gary’s attention. A conclusion that Gary was a drunk without respect for his parents was never suggested.

Focusing on what the helper has actually seen or heard from the other person can serve as a guard against interpretation of behaviors. When a helper interprets the behavior of the one seeking help, he may be seen as one who jumps to conclusions.

FEEDBACK ON DESCRIPTIONS, NOT JUDGMENTS.

Max never judged Gary’s behaviors as being good or bad. Communication lines remained open with 20 year old Gary because Max never placed a value judgment on his behaviors. Communications were directed toward the descriptions of Gary’s behaviors in neutral language. Max described in detail each of the behaviors that Gary confessed over a period of 9 weeks, therefore, helping him see the clear facts of the downward spiral of his life.

By giving descriptions the helper is likely to be seen more in a neutral role. He is reporting on what he has seen rather than on the behavior being right or wrong.

FEEDBACK ON IDEAS, INFORMATION AND ALTERNATIVES, NOT ON ADVICE AND ANSWERS.

During the last three meetings, Max began to focus with Gary on the various options that were before him. Continuing to drink alcohol was an option that Gary could select. Max explained the steps of the addiction process and Gary noted that he was in the later part of stage three. Although he told his parents that he had been intoxicated only two times in college, Gary disclosed to Max that he was drunk in excess of thirty times during the school year.

Max was careful not to use scare tactics, give pat answers, or even specifically advise Gary on what to do. When Gary finally asked Max for help, he directed him first to the Lord to mend this relationship. Next, he provided Gary with positive options from which he could choose. These options included continued meetings with him, a meeting with his parents in Max’s presence, attending a college in his hometown and entering a support group at church.

When the helper is providing ideas, information and alternatives, the receiver of help is free to chose his own options. When the helper gives advice and answers this may cause the one seeking help not to accept his own personal responsibilities. It may restrain his freedom to chart his own course of action because he always depends on the advice of another person. The seeker may also resent the helper who insists on giving advice and answers.

FEEDBACK ON WHAT AND HOW, NOT ON WHY.

Max was careful not to ask Gary why he was intoxicated over thirty times during the school year or why he would disgrace his Christian parents with such deviant behaviors? He knew using the word why would only serve to raise Gary’s defenses and make it more difficult to penetrate his state of delusion. Open-ended sentences using what and how were used in Max’s communications with him so Gary would not feel his motives or values were being critiqued.

Observable behaviors can be described by words such as what, how, when and where. Why may break the communications because it may serve to raise the other person’s defenses by questioning his motives. Although his motives may be wrong, his delusion can be penetrated best by observed facts presented in a nonthreatening way through a helper that is depending on the Holy Spirit’s guidance.

Care-fronting is a way to help communicate the truth in love thus creating an environment for healing and growth. Paul writes in Ephesians 4:15: “speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.” Helpers should avoid trying to convict a person with a life-controlling problem to produce changed behavior. Conviction is a work of the Holy Spirit. In regard to the Holy Spirit, Jesus says in John 16:8: “When he comes, he will convict the world of guilt in regard to sin and righteousness and judgment.”

John 8 records the account of the lady caught in the act of adultery. The Scribes and Pharisees tried to use the law of Moses to trap Jesus by insisting that she be stoned to death. Jesus responded to them by saying “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her” (v.7). Her accusers then left one by one. After they left Jesus care-fronted the lady. He said, “Then neither do I condemn you” [caring], . . .” Go now and leave your life of sin” [confronting] (v.11).

The person enslaved by a stronghold is already under condemnation. The victim needs freedom in Christ not further condemnation. John writes in John 3:17: “For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” David Augsburger (1980) in his work on careful confrontation states,

Truth and love are the two necessary ingredients for any relationship with integrity. Love—because all positive relationships begin with friendship, appreciation, respect. And truth—because no relationship of trust can long grow from dishonesty, deceit, betrayal; it springs up from the solid stuff of integrity.

“Confrontation plus caring brings growth just as judgment plus grace brings salvation,” says Howard Clinebell, Jr., a well-known pastoral counselor. . . .

Judgment cuts, even kills. If God dealt with us only in judgment, who could stand? If God reached out to us only in love, it would be a cheap grace without integrity. Mere divine permissiveness. “Anything goes” as far as heaven is concerned. Not so!

Care-fronters and the convicting work of the Holy Spirit go hand-in-hand in freeing a person from a lifecontrolling problem.

Adapted from Behind Our Sunday Smiles: Helping Those with Life-Controlling Problems, Jimmy Ray Lee, Baker Book House, Grand Rapids, MI, 1991, pp 62-66. Used by permission.

Active Listening

Active listening is perhaps the most important communication tool in helping people. It helps communicate that you are a caring person. It shows that you accept the other person and have respect for them. It is a display of empathetic understanding.

Proverbs 18:13

He who answers before listening–that is his folly and his shame

James 1:19

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry

EXAMPLES OF ACTIVE

LISTENING

• Restatement: Repeats the content of what the other person said. This conveys to the person talking that he is being heard and that you are “with” him.

• Reflection: Focuses attention on what the other person is saying (content and feelings). This shows the person he is being heard. You are being a mirror, reflecting back to the person the content and feelings of his conversation.

• Clarifying: This response helps to clear up unclear aspects of the other person’s conversation.

• Summarizing: This pulls together the other person’s message and draws it to a concluding point based on what you have seen and heard in the conversation.

ACTIVE LISTENING IS EFFECTIVE

• It helps build new relationships.

• It helps you better understand what the other person is saying.

• It helps build the trust level.

• It helps the other person get in touch with their feelings.

• It helps the other person when he is angry or frustrated.

• It helps the other person gain more understanding of himself.

• It is a way to encourage and “buildup” the other person.

• It shows the other person he is being accepted.

WHEN ACTIVE LISTENING IS NOT EFFECTIVE

• When the other person is out of control (intoxicated, severely depressed).

• When the other person needs immediate action.

• When the other person requests you to betray your own biblical values.

Open Sentences for Tentative Response

• Could it be that...

• I wonder if...

• Is it possible that...

• I think I heard you say...

• You seem to be feeling...

• I hear you saying...

• It sounds like...

• So, from your point of view...

• You’re thinking...

• Let me see if I follow you. You’re saying that...

Group Process

Open Questions As Tentative Response

• Could you amplify or expand what you were saying?

• Who has a comment to make about this?

• What do you feel (think) about what she said?

• Where would you like to go from here?

• Does anyone else have something to add?

• How could you restate that in different words?

Thanks to Gareth Icenogle

To begin our discussion of the assumptions and techniques used in conducting group therapy with alcoholics, let’s look at some of the similarities within our group. In addition to our alcoholism, we all have two things in common. First, before we came to the point of seeking outside help, we each tried our worn do-it-yourself program in an effort to change ourselves. The second similarity is that we all failed. A basic assumption of group therapy is: a major reason for this failure is that our most determined efforts can’t change what we can’t see, and that there is a great deal that we are not seeing clearly. For this reason our goal in group therapy is:

• to discover ourselves and others as feeling persons and

• to identify the defenses that prevent this discover.

While change is the ultimate goal, our immediate purpose is to see more accurately what needs changing. This requires seeing ourselves, each one of us discovering ourself, at a feeling level.

In examining our purpose, our emphasis on feelings stands out. We stress feelings for several reasons. First of all, our past behavior has been so opposed to our value system that considerable feelings of remorse and self-loathing have been built up. It appears that we have accumulated a pool of negative feelings and walled them off with a variety of masks or defenses that prevent this discovery. This began with mild disapproval of ourself, then growing remorse, and, finally, a deep self-loathing. Statements such as “I am no good” or “The world would be better off without me” reflect these negative feelings and attitudes. Being in touch with the hostile feelings we have toward ourselves and the sense of helplessness and hopelessness that accompanies them, makes the First Step a moving description instead of simply an abstract theory. We feel the powerlessness and unmanageability. One of the important functions of the group is to help us identify the defenses that prevent this discovery. We will say more about this wall of defense later on.

Another reason for stressing feelings is that many of the character defects that have disabled us for years are reflected in our feeling states or attitudes. As a result of the conflict between our value system and our repeated chemically-induced behaviors, we have formed rigid, negative feeling states called attitudes toward ourselves and others. Most of us have become one or more of the following: hostile, resentful, angry, selfpitying, fearful, defiant, phony, arrogant, superior. While these are represented as feelings, some have become so thoroughly a part of us as to be attitudinal in nature. They substantially color the way we see life and react to it. No longer are we persons who simply feel self-pity, but that we have become self-pitying persons. What was once a feeling has now hardened into an attitudinal posture—a character defect. If we are to change, we must first become ourselves at this feeling level.

Most of us are badly out of touch with our feelings, particularly the ones we have been describing. But as you will see, it is not just these negative feelings that are hidden and controlled. Our positive feelings of joy and love are also locked away by the defenses that seek to hide the negative feelings. It appears that our defenses are not selective. The man who has hidden away his anger also is crippled in any spontaneous display of affection or gratitude as well. While the majority of our focus in group therapy is on identifying our destructive, negative-feeling selves, the acceptance of these feelings frees the positive one as well. “I never could tell anyone I really liked him before, unless I was drinking” is one example of this phenomenon.

Most of us have ignored our feelings for years in an effort to see the facts. In group therapy feelings are facts. “How does that make you feel?” is a question asked frequently to help us focus on these facts.

Since our feelings are new to most of us, let’s look at the ones we use everyday: mad, sad, glad, afraid, ashamed, hurt.

Our immediate purpose is to discover and identify in order to see clearly who I am and what needs change. Acceptance of what is precedes change. Seeing and accepting what is is very difficult, however, because we don’t know that we don’t know. We are in many ways blind and self-deluded, but we insist that “I know who I am and where I’m going” or “I know what’s best for me.” We are deluded and we don’t know it. In fact, most of us deny it. This is what allows us to fall back into the same destructive behaviors again, not having learned anything from the last one. How many times has a friend or relative said, “I saw you building up to it, but you insisted everything was OK!” The assumption that self-delusion is a fact is basic to group therapy.

JOHARI WINDOW

The way we illustrate this self-delusion is the Johari Window:

The window’s four panes present four aspects of our total self. As the diagram indicates, only the top two panes are visible to myself. Panes three and four are hidden from my view. This describes the self-delusion that keeps me from seeing what I’m really like and allows my slow disintegration to continue with only slight, if any, recognition on my part of how bad things have become. A more accurate picture of myself is essential to recovery.

Window #1 is open.

This is visible to self and to others and contains material I am willing to share with you—my interests, vocation and virtues, to name a few.

Window #2 is secret.

I know things about me that I don’t want you to know. I fear the loss of esteem if you see me as having such feelings as hostility, suspicion, inferiority, resentment, or self-pity. Revealing these feelings is called leveling. I level with you when I take the risk of letting you really know me by spontaneously reporting my feelings. Leveling is one of the two most important techniques in self-discovery.

We are blind to Window #3, and yet it is seen by others.

The tone of our voice, the tilt of our head, tell others things about us that we don’t see. Many times a perfect stranger can see more in us in half an hour than we discover in years of self-examination. When someone tells us how we appear to them, they are confronting us. Confrontation is the second vital technique in breaking through self-delusion to self-discovery.

The existence of the large blind area illustrated by Window #3 means that we are dependent on others taking the risk of confronting us with this material if we are to every come to know it.

Window #4 is subconscious and not visible.

While leveling and confronting often results in a glimpse into the unconscious, this is a bonus and not a goal of group therapy.

CONFRONTATION

It takes courage to risk confronting. We have all traded our honesty for the approval of others in the past. However, if we care about our fellow group members, and if we want them to be honest with us in return, we will present them with our picture of them.

Confrontation is defined as presenting a person with himself by describing how I see him. Confrontation is most useful when spoken with concern and accompanied with examples of the confronted behavior or data. For the most part defenses, including attitudinal postures, are unintentional and automatic shields against a real or imagined threat to our self-esteem. By pointing out the defenses we are using, we have a better chance of letting down this wall that is locking others out and keeping us prisoners. This blocks our getting close to others as well as our getting closer to ourselves. Coming to recognize these blocks to self-discovery may enable us to look behind them to discover the feelings concealed from view. Long explanations may hide feelings of inadequacy and guilt. Since defenses and attitudinal postures do hide us from ourselves, as well as from others, it is important to identify them. A lot of this is new, so while you are getting used to it, just trust your impulses. Spontaneous expressions tend to be much more honest. It is more helpful to be revealing than to be right.

Most of us tend to think we already know ourselves and are afraid of looking bad, so it is hard for us to take the risk of being revealing and genuine. But what have we got to lose? Since we can’t change something until we really see it and accept its existence, we should ask ourselves, “Do I really accept something if I keep it a secret?” Risking openness is the key. When you are tempted to withdraw into silence, remember that we are all in the same boat, and that a feeling common to everyone when being introduced to a group is fear.

Frequently, in place of confronting a person with some data that we have observed (what they said, how they look or sound, etc.) we make the mistake of guessing, of asking questions and giving advice.

Confrontation describes what we have observed in the person we are confronting. Guesses, advice or discussions about something we have not witnessed is not confrontation. In a sense, when we confront, we hold up a mirror to let another person know how he appears to us.

We are most useful as confronters when we are not so much trying to change another person as we are trying to help him see himself more accurately. Change, if it comes, comes later when the person chooses it.

Picture a gardener preparing a proper environment within the soil so that the seeds he plants may receive the gift of growth from a power greater than himself. Imagine a physician cleaning a wound to provide an environment to receive the gift of healing. The change we all are seeking might be labeled more correctly as healing or growth and, while it is largely a gift of a power greater than ourselves, the necessary environment for the gift is an honest picture of how and what we are like now. Because of our egocentric blindness and self-delusion, we all are dependent on others for that completed picture. Confrontation provides it.

LEVELING

To respond openly to being confronted is to level. We level when we take the risk of being known by spontaneously reporting our feelings. For example, we level when we let someone know we are hurt, afraid, or angry.

Using these feelings as an example of leveling is probably useful for two reasons. Anger bottled up, or fear kept hidden, seems to lead to more relapses than any other feelings. Also, anger and fear (along with affection) are usually the hardest feelings for us to report. Frequently people make the mistake of assuming that the purpose of group therapy is to make someone angry. Anger is an important feeling. But it is only one feeling among many that we want to discover and level with.

If, instead of leveling, we respond without naming a feeling, we are hiding. The way we hide our feelings are many, and we call them defenses. Each defense prevents us from being known. One of the most helpful things the group can do is to help a member identify his defenses.

Defenses which we all use to some extent are: rationalizing minimizing evading, dodging projecting defiance blaming, accusing attacking, aggression judging, moralizing withdrawing intellectualizing silence analyzing verbalizing, talking explaining shouting intimidating theorizing threatening generalizing frowning quibbling glaring debating, arguing staring sparring joking questioning grinning, smiling interrogating laughing switching protecting denying agreeing justifying being smug complying superior or arrogant

Try leveling with that feeling of fear for a starter, and discover how that makes you feel. You’ll probably find, as others have, that when you report a feeling, you modify it. Keeping it a secret seems to increase its power. If we don’t begin now to risk being genuine and self-revealing when will we ever do it?

From I’ll Quit Tomorrow by Vernon E. Johnson. Copyright © 1973 by Vernon E. Johnson. Reprinted by permission of Harper and Row Publishers, Inc.

Tips for Facilitators

PRAYER

The facilitator should always seek wisdom, discernment, and guidance from the Holy Spirit. Between meetings pray for each group member, the group as a whole, and for the co-facilitator and yourself. Prayer should not be taken lightly. Remember, the Lord’s presence is absolutely necessary for each meeting.

PREPARATION

Good group meetings do not happen by accident. Here are some suggestions for planning your meetings.

A. Plan with prayer.

B. Review your Facilitator’s Guide, Participant Workbook or other curriculum you may be using for the approaching session. Meditate and pray over the material allowing the Holy Spirit to “burn” it in your heart.

C. Consider the location.

1. The meeting room should have comfortable seating.

2. Check the temperature of the room.

3. Proper ventilation and lighting can help.

4. Check for possible distractions.

D. Prepare handouts, paper, pencil, etc. if needed.

TRAINING

Group facilitators need to be equipped. Attending a Living Free workshop can be helpful. The Living Free Facilitators Guide resource section should be thoroughly read. Check the bibliography for other resources that can be used to enhance your skills.

GROUP MEETING TIME

The announced time period should be followed. It is important to respect the group members by starting and concluding the group session on time. Adherence to the agreed time will build respect for the facilitators. It also helps group members to practice discipline by committing to the time frame of the group.

TAKING IN NEW GROUP MEMBERS

New members should not be added to the Insight or Concerned Persons Group after the second week. When the group is interrupted with new members this tends to slow the progress of the group and the new member may not feel a part of the group.

To compensate for new members it is suggested that Insight and Concerned Persons groups start at staggered times. For example: one Insight and Concerned Persons group could start today. The next groups would begin in three or four weeks. For those people wanting to join a group in between start-up times, it is suggested that they be worked with in a support group (topical study) until a new group starts.

HANDLING “EXCESSIVE TALKERS” IN THE GROUP

There will be people who tend to “over-talk” the group or may wish to show off their knowledge. Some may believe they have more knowledge than the facilitator (and they may), others may like the attention. Here are some suggestions on how to correct this situation:

A. Questions and comments can be directed to individuals by name.

B. Sit next to the “over-talker.” Since the facilitator receives less eye contact than the other group members, the person would be away from the focus of attention and may be less likely to respond.

C. The facilitator should analyze himself to see if he is being clear in communication and not offensive for it is possible that the “over talker” may see the need to take charge.

D. It may be necessary to care-front the person in private. Remember to communicate the “truth in love.” The “over-talker” may have leadership potential but needs to learn to be a better listener.

HANDLING NON-PARTICIPATORS

Some people are very timid or feel they do not have anything to contribute to the group. There are those who may also have reading difficulties. The people should be cared for with sensitivity (working within their comfort level). Here are some suggestions on how to increase their “comfort level”:

A. In all group sessions the facilitator should remind participants that no one is expected to talk if they don’t want to. No one is forced to talk. Everyone has the freedom to pass.

B. Offer encouragement by gently directing questions to them that can be answered with ease and comfort.

C. Give special attention to these people before and after each group session.

D. Talk to them in private. Offer encouragement.

E. Every answer they provide should be affirmed.

Be a good role model by “walking” your “talk.” Values are best caught, not taught. “Set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity” (1 Timothy 4:12). Here are some practical ways to be a good role model:

ROLE MODEL

A. Be on time.

B. Be consistent.

C. Guard against moodiness.

D. Be a good listener.

E. Be positive.

F. Maintain confidentiality.

G. Maintain a life of purity and integrity.

HUMOR

Keep a sense of humor. It is easy to get caught up in the seriousness of one another’s needs and forget the value of laughter. “A Cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones” (Proverbs 17:22). Humor can enhance the group experience by breaking tension and building trust. Here are some guidelines for using humor:

A. Don’t over use. Be natural.

B. Avoid teasing at someone else’s expense.

C. Avoid drawing excessive attention to yourself as a clown.

D. Be sensitive to the timing of your humor. Do not make light of truly serious matters.

Sharing Questions

Go-arounds (Sharing Questions) are an effective way to start each group meeting. This helps group participants talk about themselves in a structured context, setting the stage for the Self-Awareness or Spiritual-Awareness and Application phases of the small group format. Go-arounds are not designed for in-depth sharing but to prepare each participant for meaningful group interaction.

PAST TENSE GO-AROUNDS

These questions are effective in the early stages of group life. They serve to acquaint participants which help to build friendship and trust.

Past Tense

Questions

(Examples)

• What was the best vacation you every took with your family?

• Where did you live and what were you doing when you were in 6th grade?

• What is one experience of success that you can remember and what did it mean to you?

• As a child, who had the most influence on your life?

• As a child, what kind of relationship did you have with the church?

• What is one quality from your parents that you wanted to keep?

• When, if ever, did God become more than a word to you, and how did that happen?

• As a child, what was your favorite holiday? Why?

• What do you remember most about your grandparents?

• What is your first remembrance of God?

• What was your most embarrassing experience in school?

• What was your first day in high school like?

• What is your first remembrance of a preacher?

• Who was (or is) your favorite teacher in high school? Why?

PRESENT TENSE GO-AROUNDS

These questions invite participants to discuss experiences in daily living.

Present Tense Questions (Examples)

• What is your favorite Bible verse? Why?

• What is your favorite place in your home? Why?

• What do you like about your job, and is there anything you find boring?

• When you have some free time to yourself what do you like to do?

• If you could pick one person in the Bible or church history that you would prefer to be like, who would that be? Why?

• What is one part of your life that you enjoy, and one part that is difficult for you?

• How has the “weather” been in your life since we last met? Has it been sunny, cloudy, rainy, tornado, etc.?

• What is the most significant thing that happened to you this week?

• What were the high and low spots of your week?

• What is one area where you would like to grow in your Christian faith? What kind of help do you need to do it?

• What is a good thing happening in your life right now and what makes it good?

• What does Christian discipleship mean to you?

• What is one decision facing you that you find difficult, and why?

• When do you struggle with yourself and win, or when do you struggle with yourself and lose? How do you feel about that?

• How do you feel when you think about God as your heavenly Father?

• What spiritual discipline do you find the easiest or most difficult?

• What do you do on a typical Monday evening?

• What are two things that you like about yourself? Why?

FUTURE TENSE GO-AROUNDS

These questions invite people to focus on the future aspects of their lives, their expectations, hopes, and dreams. These questions are usually more effective after the group has been together for a few weeks.

Future Tense Questions (Examples)

• What career do you picture for yourself in ten years?

• If you suddenly received a million dollars, how would you spend it?

• What would be a dream home for you?

• If you could predict your relationship with God in ten years, what would it be?

• How do you want people to remember you?

• What one question would you like to ask God when you meet Him?

• How would you like for your children to remember you?

• What one Bible character from the Old Testament would you most like to meet? Why?

• What one Bible character from the New Testament, in addition to Jesus, would you most like to meet? Why?

• If you knew you could not fail, and money was no problem, what one thing would you like to do in the next 5 years?

• What would be the perfect holiday for you: Where would it be, and what would you do?

• What is one relationship you would like to strengthen, and what steps could you take to develop it?

AFFIRMATION GO-AROUNDS

These questions invite people to say encouraging and positive things to each other. Affirmation questions are particularly effective during the later stages of group life.

Affirmation Questions (Examples)

• What has been said by a group member that has been most meaningful to you?

• What new spiritual insights have you received from this group?

• What do you value most about this group?

• What kind of help have you received from this group?

• What will you miss most at the conclusion of this group?

• How would you describe the qualities of this group?

• If you could present a gift of encouragement to each member in this group, what would it be?

Examples:

To John A set of weights to remind him of spiritual discipline.

To Sue An eagle to remind her that she can fly above the clouds with God’s help.

To Pam A piece of expensive pottery to remind her of the beauty in her that has resulted from the test of fire.

To Joe A pair of shoes to remind him that Christ is walking with him.

ACCOUNTABILITY GO-AROUNDS

These questions invite people to deeper commitment. Designed to help group members stand (not dominate) with each other in their faith, such questions should be reserved for group members who have agreed to be accountable to one another.

Accountability Questions (Examples)

• What one relationship needs your attention most? What steps can you take to strengthen it?

• What is the weak link in your relationship with God? What plans do you have to correct it?

• Who will help you remain accountable to your spiritual goals? How?

• How do you remain accountable to your commitments?

• What commandment is the most difficult for you to keep? Is there anyone to hold you accountable?

• What one decision are you making or thinking about that you will need to remain accountable to someone? Who will you look to for help?

• What kind of devotion time (prayer and Bible study) will you observe this week?

• What one relationship needs your attention most? What steps can you take to strengthen it?

• What is the weak link in your relationship with God? What plans do you have to correct it?

• Who will help you remain accountable to your spiritual goals? How?

• How do you remain accountable to your commitments?

• What commandment is the most difficult for you to keep? Is there anyone to hold you accountable?

• What one decision are you making or thinking about that you will need to remain accountable to someone? Who will you look to for help?

• What kind of devotion time (prayer and Bible study) will you observe this week?

The Plan of Salvation

Is there any good reason why you cannot receive Jesus Christ right now?

How to receive Christ:

1. Admit your need (that you are a sinner).

2. Be willing to turn from your sins (repent).

3. Believe that Jesus Christ died for you on the cross and rose from the dead.

4. Through prayer, invite Jesus Christ to come in and control your life through the Holy Spirit (receive Him as Savior and Lord).

What to Pray

Dear God,

I know that I am a sinner and need your forgiveness.

I believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins.

I am willing to turn from my sins.

I now invite Jesus Christ to come into my heart and life as my personal savior.

I am willing, by God’s strength, to follow and obey Jesus Christ as the Lord of my life.

Date

Signature

The Bible says, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13

“Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become the children of God.” John 1:12

“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 5:1

• When we receive Christ, we are born into the family of God through the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit who lives within every believer. This process is called regeneration or the new birth.

• Share your decision to receive Christ with another person.

• Connect to a local church.

Bibliography

Augsburger, David. Caring Enough to Confront. Glendale: Regal, 1980.

Balswick, Jack O., and Judith K Balswick. The Family: A Christian Perspective on the Contemporary Home. Grand Rapids: Baker, 1989.

Beattie, Melody. Codependent No More. New York: Harper & Row, 1988.

Black, Claudia. It Will Never Happen to Me. New York: Ballantine Books, 1981.

Capell-Sowder, Kathy, et al. Codependency: An Emerging Issue. Pompano Beach: Health Communications, 1984.

Crabb, Lawrence J. Effective Biblical Counseling. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1977.

Crowley, James F. Community Intervention. Minneapolis: Community Intervention, 1981.

Hart, Archibald D. Counseling the Depressed. Dallas: Word Publishing, 1987.

Hersh, Sharon A. The Last Addiction. Colorado Springs: WaterBrook Press, 2008.

Holwerda, Jim and David Egner. “Doing Away with Addiction.” Discovery Digest, Vol. 12, No. 4, Grand Rapids: Radio Bible Class, 1988.

Johnson, Vernon E. I’ll Quit Tomorrow. San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1980.

Krupnick, Louis B., and Elizabeth Krupnick. From Despair to Decision. Minneapolis: CompCare Publications, 1985.

Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth. On Death and Dying. New York: MacMillan, 1970.

Lean, Garth. On the Tail of a Comet. Colorado Springs: Helmers and Howard, 1985.

Lee, Jimmy Ray. Living Free Instructor’s Guide. Chattanooga: Living Free, 1988.

Lee, Jimmy Ray. Understanding the Times and Knowing What to Do. Chattanooga, TN: Living Free, 1997.

Leerhsen, Charles, and Tessa Namuth. “Alcohol and the Family.” Newsweek, CXI, 18 January 1988, pp. 62-68.

Luft, Joseph. Group Processes: An Introduction to Group Dynamics. Mountain View, CA: Mayfield Publishing Co., 1984.

Meier, Paul D., Donald E. Ratcliff, and Frederick L. Rowe. Child-Rearing. Grand Rapids: Baker, 1993.

Menninger, Karl. Whatever Became of Sin? New York: Hawthorne, 1973.

Miller, J. Keith. Sin: Overcoming the Ultimate Deadly Addiction. San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1987.

Minrith, Frank, Paul Meier, Siegfried Fink, Walter Byrd, and Don Hawkins. Taking Control. Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1988.

Murphy, John Robin. Be Transformed. Brentwood, TN: Rock House Way Press, LLC, 2007.

Pearlman, Myer. Daniel Speaks Today. Springfield: Gospel Publishing House, 1943.

Perkins, Bill. Fatal Attractions. Eugene: Harvest House, 1991.

Smalley, Gary. For Better or For Best. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1988.

Sowder-Capell, Kathy and Others. Co-Dependency: An Emerging Issue. Pompano Beach: Health Communications, 1984.

Stanley, Charles F. Handle with Care. Wheaton: Victor, 1988.

Stott, John. The Gospel and the End of Time. Downers Grove: InterVarsity, 1991.

Sweeten, Gary. Apples of Gold I. Cincinnati: Christian Information Committee, 1983.

Sweeten, Gary. Apples of Gold II Teacher’s Manual. Cincinnati: Christian Information Committee, 1983.

Turnbull, Ralph G., ed. Baker’s Handbook of Practical Theology. Grand Rapids: Baker Book House, 1967.

VanVonderen, Jeffery. Good News for the Chemically Dependent. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1985.

Wegscheider, Sharon. “Children of Alcoholics Caught in Family Trap.” Focus on Alcohol and Drugs Issues 2, May-June, 1979.

Living Free exists to facilitate hope, faith, and freedom by connecting and equipping people with solutions for better living.

If you have enjoyed this study and would like to help equip and connect others to hope, faith, and freedom, visit us online to learn how your contribution can ‘Pay It Forward’.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. 1 Peter 1:3

Turn static files into dynamic content formats.

Create a flipbook
Issuu converts static files into: digital portfolios, online yearbooks, online catalogs, digital photo albums and more. Sign up and create your flipbook.