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About the Author
Dr. Jimmy Ray Lee is the founder and President Emeritus of Living Free, Inc. He is the author of Understanding the Times and several small group studies published by Living Free, Inc. Under the direction and guidance of Dr. Lee, Living Free, Inc. produced Living Free—a high impact, videobased training. This training helps churches develop Christcentered small groups that deal with the contemporary problems that people face today.
Dr. Lee is the founder and honorary chairman of Project 714 and the National Center for Youth Issues. He also founded an inner-city ministry called Ark Ministries that reached 600 to 700 young people weekly. He started the Chattanooga Adult & Teen Challenge and served as its president for three years. Jimmy served as Nashville Teen Challenge executive director during its formative years.
Jimmy has served as pastor, area youth director and hospital chaplain. He has earned a master of divinity and doctor or ministry from Luther Rice Seminary. In 1983, he was awarded the “Service to Mankind Award” presented by the Highland Sertoma Club in Hixson, Tennessee.
Concerned Persons
CONCERNED PERSONS
Comfort
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
Sharing Question
Welcome to our first Concerned Persons group meeting. I would like to begin this first session by having each of us in the group introduce ourselves. I will start by telling you that my name is…
SELF-AWARENESS
We are glad for each of you who has joined this group. And by way of introduction, I want to spend a few minutes talking about the purpose of this group and what our procedures will be each week.
A Concerned Persons group is a small group (usually fewer that twelve people) who want to better understand how they can help a friend or family member who is trapped by a life-controlling problem. This group is also designed to help those who are suffering the painful consequences of a loved one’s life-controlling problem.
To make sure that we all understand our terms, I’ll remind you that we define a life-controlling problem as anything that masters (or controls) a person’s life. We may speak of a “dependency,” or of a “compulsive behavior,” or an “addiction.” These are all terms that describe a life-controlling problem.
There are many types of life-controlling problems. We look at it through the acronym “BEARS.” Lifecontrolling problems can be behaviors, emotions, attitudes, relationships, or substances. It is anything that controls a person and keeps them from moving forward in a relationship with God. This is the ultimate deception of the enemy of our souls. Satan continually tries to get us to choose worldly comfort over Godly comfort.
Behaviors such as sexual immorality (Cheating on a spouse, pornography, sex outside of marriage, homosexuality, neutrality in gender identity or gender confusion), gambling, eating disorders, digital devices and gaming, etc.; Emotions such as anger, fear, and depression; Attitudes such as anti-authority and disrespect; Relationships such as domestic violence, codependency, marriage, and dating; and Substances such as alcohol and drugs.
We may also use the language of the apostle Paul when he uses the word stronghold to describe an area of sin that has become a part of a person’s lifestyle. In 2 Corinthians 10:4 he writes that there is “divine power to demolish strongholds.”
The life-controlling problem that concerns you may be a harmful habit like drug or alcohol use, an eating disorder, a sexual addiction, gambling, tobacco use, or some other use or behavior. Or it may be a life-controlling problem caused by harmful feelings like anger or fear.
The words addiction or dependency can refer to the use of a substance (like food, alcohol, legal and/or illegal drugs, and others). Or it can involve a problem relationship with another person—we call these “codependencies” and we’ll be looking closely at those problem relationships a few weeks down the road.
Our goal—for ourselves and for the people we care about—is to be able to say as the apostle Paul did in 1 Corinthians 6:12, “I will not be mastered by anything [or anyone].”
Those of us in this group are here because we are concerned about people whose lives are mastered by life-controlling problems. For some of us, that concern is focused on an individual in our family or on a close friend. For others, that concern may be more general.
Many of us are suffering the consequences of a family member’s addiction or dependency and, over the weeks ahead, we’ll be working together to learn how to handle those consequences.
It is our goal to begin a process of building strength into our lives. The problems aren’t going to magically disappear, but we will develop the strength to deal with them.
There are several ways that what we do here will help that strength to grow, and I’m going to talk about them as I run through the elements of a typical meeting.
Meeting Format
INTRODUCTION
First, we will pray together. Prayer is always appropriate during our meetings, especially as we begin our time together. We will spend a few minutes talking together and getting to know each other better. We hope that this will grow to be a group of caring and supportive friends. But I also want you to know that in any of our conversations here, you should never feel pressured to talk. We only want you to speak when you feel comfortable in doing so.
SELF-AWARENESS
Next in our meeting comes something we call our “Self-Awareness” time. This part of our meeting is designed to help us better understand how we can help a loved one who is trapped by a life-controlling problem. We’ll look at what may be happening in that person’s life and how we ought to respond. During Self-Awareness (about 20 minutes), we will discuss some of the practical issues involved in understanding and dealing with those troubled relationships.
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS
After our Self-Awareness time, we are going to open our Bibles and dig deep into the promises of God’s Word. We’re going to study about how God wants to work in our lives and in the lives of those we care about.
APPLICATION
After our Bible study, we will take some time to work on applying what we have learned. God’s Word has a lot to say to us where we are right now, and we are going to learn how to apply that truth to the decisions and actions of our daily lives.
I might add here that, during all of these parts of our meeting, we will have opportunities to minister to each other. God has given each of us the resource of other caring Christians. All through His Word He reminds us of the valuable ministry we can have to one another. And we are going to see that kind of ministry to each other begin to happen through this group.
Ground Rules
Here are the basic ground rules for our Concerned Persons group.
1. We want you to be here. Make every effort to be here. Make these nine sessions a top priority in your life. Each session is important to you, and you are important to this group. In addition to what God wants to do in your life, you have a great deal to contribute to the lives of others in this group. If you cannot attend for some reason, please give one of us a call to let us know.
2. You should speak within your own comfort level. I have already mentioned this, but I want to stress that this should be a nonthreatening place. Yes, I am going to throw out a lot of questions. Think about them. Some of you will be ready to talk and answer, but for others it may take a while before you are comfortable. Do not feel pressured.
3. There is to be confidentiality concerning anything that is shared within the group. We must be able to trust each other to maintain confidentiality. It is never appropriate to gossip. (The only exception to maintaining confidentiality should be when a person is a danger to themselves or others.)
4. Make a commitment to prepare for each session. You have been given (or will receive) a group member’s workbook. It contains some written questions and bible reading assignments that will get you ready for what we’ll be doing during our sessions here. Your workbook is a private place—just between you and God. No one else ever needs to read what you have written there. Do take time to let God work in your life during the week as you prepare for our time together.
5. Spend time alone with God every day. Included in the workbook are some suggestions for how you
might spend approximately thirty minutes a day in Bible reading, meditating on God’s Word, and in prayer. That time alone with God could be the most significant element of the healing and the building God wants to do in your life.
6. Keep in mind that this group is not a substitute for medical or psychological care. We never advise anyone to stop taking prescribed medications or cancel their doctor’s care.
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS LEAD-IN
Before we move on to our Spiritual Awareness time, I’d like for us to take a few minutes to talk about why we each have joined this Concerned Persons group. Maybe you aren’t really ready to talk about it yet, or you may not yet feel comfortable speaking—that is perfectly okay.
But we’re interested to know what led to your being a part of this group. Why did you come?
SPIRITUAL-AWARENESS
For many of us, every day is a struggle with very sensitive and emotional issues. But we aren’t alone in our struggle. We find an important message in 2 Corinthians 1:3-8. Let’s turn there and read together.
Paul is writing from personal experience here. Notice the word us in verse 4: “who comforts us in all our troubles.” Paul knows what he is talking about.
The word comfort here comes from a Greek word—paraklesis. It combines the ideas of relief, consolation, and soothing. It is made up of two words: para meaning beside and kaleo meaning to call.
To the Christian who is suffering, these verses describe a loving Comforter who stands at our side, ready to minister to our needs.
Let’s think about this word comfort. What are some of the images it brings to mind in our everyday lives? We call a certain kind of warm, fluffy blanket a “comforter.” We talk about “comfort” foods—the kind our mothers used to make (or heat out of a can) when we were sick as children. Along those lines, what kinds of practical ways have you experienced comfort from another person?
We need other people in our lives—and we need to be those comforters to others. ALLOW MINUTES
Let’s look again at our verses in 2 Corinthians and see what we can learn about the “God of all comfort.” We’ve talked about comfort we’ve received from other people. Now let’s think about how God’s comfort would be different from the comfort we receive from other human beings. What do you think?
Along with being “the God of all comfort,” we find another name for God here. What is it?
The dictionary has a very specific definition of what this word compassion implies. It says that compassion is a sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress along with a desire to alleviate it.
In other words, not only does God have a sympathetic understanding of what we’re going through—He also wants to ease our burden and to free us up from the load we carry.
The Scriptures have a lot to say about God’s comfort, and we’re going to look together at some of those passages.
Hebrews 4:15
This verse reinforces the idea of God’s sympathetic understanding. He doesn’t just blindly pat us on the back and tell us to feel better. He knows what we’re feeling.
Today Jesus is in Heaven, at God’s right hand, ministering on our behalf. What does it tell us here about His understanding of our present circumstances?
Jesus is praying for us right now. That is a very comforting thought. Let’s look at some other characteristics of God’s comfort.
Deuteronomy 31:8
What does this verse tell us about God’s comfort when we are discouraged or afraid?
Psalm 119:76
What is the comfort here?
Isaiah 66:13
What does this tell us about the nature of God’s comfort?
Think about that image for a moment. What are some of the characteristics of a mother’s comfort that can help us better understand God’s comfort?
God wants to comfort us like a loving mother cares for her child. Let’s look at some of the ways God comforts us.
2 Corinthians 7:5-7
It sounds like Paul was in pretty miserable shape—conflicts on the outside, fears within. How did God reach out to comfort him?
How can God use another person to comfort us? How did Titus comfort Paul?
God comforts us through other people and He comforts us through His Word. From beginning to end, the Bible is full of comforting truth. We find comfort in the verses that teach us more about the character of God. We’re comforted by passages that describe His great love for us and all the ways it is demonstrated.
As we spend time in God’s Word, we will be comforted by what we find there. To whet our appetites, let’s look up several verses that hold great comfort for God’s people in their times of trouble.
Psalm 46:1
What comfort do we find here?
1 Peter 5:7
How does God want to comfort us in our fear and worry?
Romans 8:28, 32
What is the message of comfort here?
Romans 8 is full of wonderful comfort. Read it when you need to feel the power of God’s love and when you need the reminder that no circumstance can separate us from His love.
Psalm 23:4
What do the rod and staff represent to you?
John 14:15-17, 25-27
This chapter begins with the words of Jesus, “Do not let your hearts be troubled.” The idea of troubled hearts is an accurate description of the times when our concerns and worries overwhelm us. But then Jesus goes on to promise a “Counselor” who will come. The word translated here as Counselor is the Greek word parakletos. This is very close to the Greek word paraklesis that we talked about earlier, which is translated as “comfort.”
This parakletos—one called alongside to help—is God’s Spirit who comes to live in us. Looking at John 14:15-17 and 25-27, what do we know about how God’s Spirit will comfort us?
This passage ends as it began, with words that meet us right where we are. In verse 27 we read, “Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” These are the times when we need comfort—when our hearts are troubled and we’re upset, and when fear threatens to overwhelm.
Have you experienced God’s comfort in a time like that?
Let’s go back to our verses in 2 Corinthians and look at the rest of verse 4, where we read that the God of all comfort comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
In this life, we can’t always find the answer to the question “Why?” Why is God allowing this pain in my life? Why did He let this happen in my family? Those kinds of why questions are difficult to answer. But here we find the beginning of an answer. God lets us go through the tough times and experience His comfort so that we are able to comfort others
We live in a world full of hurting people, and God’s comfort toward us makes it possible for us to reach out to that hurting world. Our own suffering gives us the “credentials” to be heard by those who are suffering. Beyond just commiserating with their troubles, we can share the truth of God’s comfort from our own experience.
Have you ever been able to comfort someone by sharing your own experience of God’s comfort?
APPLICATION
This idea of experiencing God’s comfort and then sharing it with others is really at the heart of what we want to do here over the weeks we will be together. But first, we want to solidly grab hold of God’s comfort right where we are today. That’s part of the process of building into our lives the strength we need to deal with painful circumstances.
Then, out of that comfort and strength, we can reach out to the people we care about.
Before we leave 2 Corinthians 1, look at verse 5. What happens when our troubles increase?
God gives us the comfort we need to deal with the difficult times. You can depend on that fact when your troubles “overflow.” When that happens, you can expect God’s comfort to overflow in the same measure.
Look at verse 6. What does suffering produce in us?
Through our sufferings God gives us the strength we need to endure.
Let’s talk about God’s comfort, and how we’re experiencing it in our present situations. Is God’s comfort a daily reality for you? What may be keeping you from experiencing God’s comfort?
How has God made Himself real to you in the tough times?
Have you experienced a sense of a loving Comforter who stands at your side and meets your needs?
Have you found comfort in the promises of His Word?
CONCERNED PERSONS
Hope
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
Sharing Question
I want us to get to know each other a little better. Some of us may be acquainted but, for any who aren’t, let’s take a few minutes and tell something about ourselves. You may want to tell us about your work or your family or where you went/go to school. Or maybe what your hobbies are or what you do for recreation.
You can start by telling…
SELF–AWARENESS
When a spouse, a child, a parent, or other loved one is living in the grasp of a life-controlling problem, the effects of that addiction or dependency often spill over in all the lives that surround them. Some of us—if not all of us—have known the frustration of being caught up in a situation we can’t control and can’t fix.
Dealing with the consequences of a loved one’s (family member’s) problem is doubly difficult—not only is it painful, but added to the pain is the pressure created by our inability to take charge and make things right.
That kind of pressure leads to overload.
Let’s think about the idea of “overload” for just a minute. What happens when an electrical circuit is overloaded? Or when a truck is overloaded?
Obviously trucks and circuits are not human beings, but these pictures can help us better understand what overload can do to us. With trucks and circuits in mind, can you think of some of the dangers of living in that state of overload?
It is important to recognize the dangers of living in a state of overload. We may be tempted to “hold in” the pressures and the stress and the pain but, if we do, the overload just builds up to the point of doing some real harm in our lives.
Let’s think together about what is happening in our own lives as far as this pressure that can build up. Is anyone experiencing that kind of pressure?
Those feelings of pressure are very real—and can seem overwhelming—but don’t ever believe the lie that your situation is hopeless. Right in the middle of that frustration and tension and pressure, you need to believe that there is hope.
We’re going to focus on that hope for the rest of our time together, because it is a message we’ll all need—if not today, then someday—if not for ourselves, then for someone else who desperately needs to hear the words “Don’t give up. There’s hope!”
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS LEAD–IN
We’re not talking about the kind of hope that halfheartedly says, “I hope things start looking up.” Or, “We can only hope for the best.”
The kind of hope we’re talking about can best be described as confident expectation of something good. It is hope based on our knowledge of God and of His willingness to meet us right where we are. He is ready to work in us and in our difficult circumstances.
This attitude of confident expectation is also built on the reality of the process of healing you’ve set in motion in your own life. You took an important step in that process when you chose to join this group. You have begun a process that will continue over the coming weeks to make a real difference in your life.
If you carry away no other thought from this week, don’t miss these important words: There is hope!
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS
Let’s see what our study passage in 2 Corinthians 1 has to say about hope. This time we’ll be looking at the second half of this passage, but let’s read from verse 3 where we began last week and read through verse 11.
Paul had certainly been through some difficult times. What are some of the words and phrases in verses 8 and 9 that describe his and Timothy’s experiences?
Paul had come to the “end of his rope” and—in human terms—things looked hopeless. This sounds very much like the kind of overload we talked about earlier. Do you identify with any of the words or phrases Paul uses here? Have you experienced any of these feelings or have you seen someone else go through a time like Paul describes?
Then, (the second half of) verse 9 brings us to the why question. Why did God allow such a dedicated servant as Paul and his young helper Timothy to go through that terrible experience?
Sometimes things have to get pretty bad before we’re ready to give up on our own struggles and rely on God. We keep fighting ahead in our own limited strength—until we are absolutely overwhelmed. And then we are finally willing to invite God into our troubled situation. We try everything else—and, only when all that fails, we pray and ask God to help us.
“This happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.” He has power far beyond any human—He can make dead people live again—yet we are reluctant to rely on Him.
Look at verse 10. What is significant here?
Paul rests his hope on God’s “track record.” He reminds us not to forget all God has done for us in the past. And, he says, we can trust God today with all the pressures and hardship and despair of our present circumstances.
Finally, Paul says, we can rest our hope on Him for the future. He’s not going to change—He will continue to deliver us.
This hope—this confident expectation—isn’t some sort of a misty dream. This hope is as solid as the love and the power of God.
Look at verse 11. What special message is here for those of us in the body of Christ?
Within this group, and probably in every area of your life, you know people who are in the middle of difficult circumstances. You can make a difference in their lives—you can ease their situation—when you pray for them.
On the cover of your workbook you’ll find these words, “Because We Need Each Other.” This partnership in prayer that Paul describes is a key element of that statement.
Why is our partnership in prayer so important? What can our prayers accomplish in another person’s life?
If you don’t already have a prayer journal, consider getting a small notebook to serve as a reminder to pray for each other. By making note of your prayer list, you can give thanks as you see those prayers being answered.
This theme of hope runs throughout the Scriptures. Let’s look at a few of the verses that can help us establish an attitude of hope in our lives—no matter what our circumstances.
Romans 5:1-5
These verses have several parallels to the passage in 2 Peter 1:3-11 that we studied in Insight Group. Can anyone identify some of the similarities?
There are a couple of important things to notice in verse 5. First, the phrase “hope does not disappoint us” carries the idea that hope doesn’t deceive us. We can count on what God has said. We will never be sorry that we placed our trust and hope in God.
Also notice in verse 5 the role the Holy Spirit plays in establishing our hope. What is it?
Romans 15:4, 13
These are verses that talk about how we can experience hope. What is the main idea of verse 4?
What do we find in the Scriptures that helps us establish an attitude of hope?
What does verse 13 add?
Titus 2:11-13
How does it change our attitude toward our circumstances when we begin to reflect on the truth of verse 13?
Hebrews 6:19
What is the picture of hope here?
Think for a moment about how hope can be a firm and secure anchor for you. Any ideas?
Was there ever a time when circumstances and troubles were swirling around, but you were able to have an attitude of hope and put your confidence in God’s eternal promises?
Jeremiah 29:11
This verse answers another why question for us. Why can we have hope? How is it that we can—in the middle of messy and frustrating circumstances—have an attitude of confident expectation of something good?
This is a great verse to come back to time and time again. Add it to your spiritual tool chest, and use it in times when you are feeling more fear than hope.
APPLICATION
That brings us to our application of what we’ve studied. How can we make it work in our lives? A key is to recognize that it isn’t natural for us to have hope in the face of trouble—it is supernatural.
We experience an attitude of hope because of the work of God’s Spirit within us and because of what we know from God’s Word about who He is and how He has delivered us, and will deliver us, and will continue to deliver us” (2 Corinthians 1:10).
So where do we turn when the pressures overflow and when troubles threaten our peace and safety? We come to God in prayer.
Let’s talk about how we can begin to process pressure and weakness into hope through prayer. What can we ask of God? What are some of the specific requests we can make when troubles are washing over us and feelings of hopelessness are filling our minds?
Was there a time when prayer enabled you to experience hope in the middle of a troubled time?
It is important for us to turn to God in prayer in times of pressure and trouble—but there are also important reasons to regularly and methodically set aside a daily time to talk to God and hear Him speak through His Word. How can a daily time spent with God allow us to have a constant attitude of hope?
As we wrap up, there are three things we need to keep in mind.
These three ideas can turn our fear and pressure into a confident expectation of something good. The first is God’s power—He is able to deliver us. The second is God’s love—He cares greatly about where we are and what we need. The third is God’s good plan for us—He has a plan for our future that will not harm us, but will prosper us.
CLOSING PRAYER
CONCERNED PERSONS
Codependency
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
Sharing Question
What do you like to do for fun?
SELF–AWARENESS
In the Insight Group, we gave most of our attention to life-controlling problems that centered on a substance or on a behavior, but in Concerned Persons group we add the idea of relationship addictions. There are several types of relationship addictions and, just so you can be familiar with them, I’ll run through them briefly.
EMOTIONALLY DEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP
This is a relationship where you are so attached to another person that you are controlled by that person’s moods to the point of being overwhelmed.
PHYSICALLY DEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP
This is a relationship where you are physically dependent upon another person, especially in the area of physical attraction. You become obsessed with spending time with them.
SPIRITUALLY DEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP
This is a relationship where you have no spiritual identity or relationship with God apart from your relationship with another person. You depend on this other person to define your walk with God.
CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP
This is a relationship where another person’s misbehavior is affecting your sense of well-being, and you become obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.
This area of codependent relationships is what we’ll focus on during this session. We’re spending time on it because this can be a very real danger for those who are deeply concerned about another person’s life-controlling problem.
Codependency is a fairly new term, but the behaviors it describes have been in existence nearly as long as men and women have walked the earth. It is used to refer to a person’s behavior when he or she is addicted to another person.
It may be a fad right now to talk about codependency but, even so, it is the best word we have to describe this sort of imbalanced relationship.
Let’s talk about some of the indications of a problem with codependency. Think about whether you’ve seen any of these in your own life or anyone else’s.
1. A codependent takes ownership of another person’s problem. Gets caught up in the loved one’s problem. Attempts to control their loved one’s behavioral practice or substance use. Judges himself or herself harshly. Feels an overwhelming sense of responsibility for their loved one’s addiction. May blame himself or herself for the problem. Often serves in the role of communicator for their loved one to others—may become very good at vagueness and manipulation in communication. Tries to fix things, problems, and people. The loved one’s problem becomes “our” problem.
2. A codependent gets his or her sense of well-being from the other person. His or her happiness and fulfillment depends on others. Becomes dependent on being in the helping role—gets good feelings from being the caretaker.
3. A codependent allows himself or herself to be controlled by that person’s dependent behavior. Works to cover up and makes excuses. May experience low self-esteem. Has often experienced embarrassment because of a loved one’s behavior. Keeps quiet about the problem. Treats the abnormal behaviors of the other person as normal. Overlooks behavior of loved one. Works and plans around the problem behaviors. May arrange social activities to protect the loved one from temptation. Often rescues loved one from the consequences of behavior. Takes on the role of a martyr. Tends to repress anger.
4. The friend or family member becomes master of the codependent’s life instead of God. All areas of life revolve around serving the needs of the other person. May betray their own value system to help the loved one.
Did you find yourself somewhere among these characteristics? Were any “on target” for you? Did something on the list help you better understand what’s going on in your own life?
If you saw yourself in any of those unhealthy behaviors, or if you feel you might be in danger of sliding into any of them, then you need to begin the process of moving toward a healthier relationship with your loved one. You need to understand something called “The Three Cs.”
1. I didn’t cause it. We need to realize that we didn’t cause our loved one’s problem. We may tend to blame ourselves for our loved one’s addiction. Feeling that we are responsible for our loved one’s behavior greatly contributes to low self-worth. We need to understand that our loved ones are responsible for the choices that have led to their problems, no matter what the circumstances may be.
2. I can’t control it. We need to understand that we cannot control our loved one’s dependency. It is common for codependents to feel a need to control the loved one’s problem by covering up for them or keeping them out of trouble. Trying to control them through manipulation, domination, and guilt only leads to a greater loss of energy. We need to understand that we cannot fix our loved one—instead we should let go of trying to play God. Accepting this fact of powerlessness over our loved one is the first step of freedom for the codependent.
3. I can’t cure it. We need to accept the fact that we cannot cure our loved one’s problem. Our best caretaking efforts will not succeed in curing their problem. In fact, we need to understand that we are not responsible for our loved one’s cure. If we have centered our lives around our loved ones instead of around God, this is the point where we need to reaffirm who we are in Christ and recognize the identity and the freedom we have in Him. As it is with all other human needs, establishing a personal relationship with Jesus Christ is the most effective way to overcome codependent relationships.
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS LEAD-IN
Another way to explain the problem of codependency is to talk about a lack of balance. God doesn’t want us to be codependent and center our lives around our loved one’s problems, but neither should we be independent and concerned only with ourselves. The healthy balance is to be inter-dependent.
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS
As we begin our Bible study time, we’re going to look at two important passages where the apostle Paul describes this interdependence among believers.
Romans 12:4-17 and 1 Corinthians 12:12-27
What are some of the healthy characteristics of this interdependence Paul writes about?
It is important to notice who holds the central position in both of these passages. Look at Romans 12:5 and 1 Corinthians 12:27. Who is central? Where is the focus?
This is the key to finding a healthy balance in our relationships. Keep your balance by making Christ and His will central. Love others. Care about them. Be concerned about what is happening in their lives. But rather than entwining your life with their life-controlling problem, serve Christ and focus on Him.
To give you a really graphic picture of what codependency can do to a life, let me use an example that compares codependency with carsickness or seasickness. Now if you’ve never been carsick or seasick, this won’t mean much. But if you have, then the image has a powerful impact.
The reason so many people get seasick is not only because they are moving around and up and down. That may all contribute to the effect, but the primary reason they get seasick is because out in the water there is no solid object to focus on. The horizon moves up and down, and the water keeps moving too. That causes our balance mechanism to get so overloaded that the results can be quite unpleasant.
The cause of carsickness is similar—especially for the little guy in the back seat who is too short to see out of the window. An hour or two of turns, or curves or hilly roads, and he can have a nasty case of carsickness.
But there is one person in a car who almost never gets sick. Do you know who that is?
Why doesn’t the driver get sick?
The key is in the word focus. Are we focused on Christ, or are we trying to focus on the circumstances that keep turning and swirling and changing? Focusing on Him can bring much-needed balance to our lives.
When a loved one is trapped in a life-controlling problem, we can be drawn into focusing all our attention and energy on that problem. But the writer to the Hebrews had the answer to the danger of codependency.
Hebrews 12:2
According to this verse, where should our focus be?
When our focus is on Christ, it brings all areas of life into balance—including our relationships with those we care about.
Here is a chart of “Personal Boundaries” that contrasts the attitudes and behaviors of a person who is codependent with the behaviors and attitudes of one who is interdependent. To be sure that we understand the difference, let’s look at that information together briefly.
PERSONAL BOUNDARIES
Have you seen any of these codependent attitudes at work in your life or someone else’s?
A codependent person might say:
An interdependent person might say:
I am overwhelmed by and preoccupied with a person. I am able to keep my relationships in perspective and function in other areas of my life.
I let others define me.
I let others describe my reality
I let others determine what I feel.
I let others direct my life.
I violate personal values to please others.
I know who I am in Christ, and I am wary of people who want to remake me.
I believe my perception of reality is just as accurate as anyone’s.
I refuse to allow someone else to tell me, “You don’t feel that way.”
I listen to opinions, but I make decisions for myself, based on God’s leading of my choices.
I am not willing to “do anything” to maintain a relationship. I have values that are not negotiable.
From Counseling Adult Children of Alcoholics by Sandra D. Wilson, Ph. D.
Copyright 1989. Reprinted by permission of Word, Inc., Dallas
To review briefly, codependency involves:
• taking ownership of another person’s problem
• getting a sense of well-being from that person
• allowing ourselves to be controlled by that person’s dependent behavior
When any or all of that is true in our lives, then our loved one (and his or her life-controlling problem) becomes the master of our lives, and takes the place that should rightfully belong to God.
Romans 1:25
The apostle Paul puts this idea in its most basic terms. In this verse, what is taking God’s rightful place?
Rather than worshiping and serving God—the Creator of the universe—they were guilty of pouring out their time, talent, and energy in the worship and service of created things.
How does that apply to our subject of codependency? What “created things” could we be serving?
Can you think of some examples of how a codependent person might serve their loved one’s problems rather than God?
It was a choice the Romans made, and it’s a choice for us as well. Who will we serve? Will we find our identity as caretakers of our loved one’s problem, or will we put God at the center of our lives?
In the Old Testament book of 1 Samuel, we read about a similar question that Eli had to answer.
1 Samuel 2:29
What is God’s question to Eli?
The question to Eli lays the issue out clearly. Who will we serve? When the focus of our lives moves from Christ to our loved one and his or her problem, God says to us: Why do you honor your son, your daughter, your husband, your wife—your whatever—more than Me? You fill in the blank. Who will we worship and serve? Is our focus on taking care of our dependent loved one? Or is our focus on Jesus Christ?
The key is found in the question of where we find our identity and our sense of well-being. We can get so confused in the middle of our loved one’s problems and their effects that our thinking can become clouded. We find ourselves drawn so deeply into those circumstances that we lose sight of who we are in Christ. But as we begin to live in the reality of our identity in Christ, we find freedom and confidence.
Galatians 2:20
What does this verse tell us?
Ephesians 1:7
What do we have in Christ?
Matthew 16:24-25
What should happen to our old self—the one that focuses our purpose and energy and significance on our loved one’s life-controlling problem?
The part of that old identity that needs to die includes the part of us that blames ourselves for our loved one’s problem and the part that feels responsible for controlling and curing that problem. That’s not who we are in Christ.
Ephesians 3:12
What are we able to do because of our identity in Christ?
John 6:37
What is the warm welcome we are guaranteed?
APPLICATION
The simplest definition of codependency is “to be dependent along with.” That doesn’t mean that you necessarily use the same substances or participate in the same kinds of behaviors. What it does imply is the idea of being so deeply drawn into another person’s life-controlling problem that it becomes our problem as well. The result is that we are filled with guilt and blame and other downgrading thoughts.
But that’s not who we are. Our significance is in Christ—and in Him is where we find freedom and confidence.
Learning to “live out” the reality of who we are in Christ begins with making a choice: Who will we honor? Then, after that choice is made, we may need to do some work on putting that reality to work in our lives.
We’re going to talk about some of the ways that our loved ones and their problems have taken the place that God should rightfully hold. Can you identify any of the ways that may be happening in your life?
How has a “misplaced identity” affected your life? Have you become a caretaker of another person’s problem? What about how time is spent? Your priorities in life? Your daily schedule? Your health? Your time alone with God? Your involvement at church? Your friendships? Has your value system been compromised?
Here is the key question: How would your life change if your relationship with Jesus Christ became the number-one relationship in your life?
CLOSING PRAYER
CONCERNED PERSONS
Feelings and Defenses
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
Sharing Question
What is one thing that gave you a sense of joy or accomplishment this week?
SELF–AWARENESS
One of the very real dangers we face as concerned persons is that we might get too good at hiding our real feelings. We may learn to repress our anger to avoid “rocking the boat.” We get so busy with keeping life on an even keel and maintaining the appearance of everything being normal that we can find ourselves hiding behind a mask. We can even get to the place that we have become numb to our real feelings.
There is a book called Behind Our Sunday Smiles, written by the same man who wrote the study materials we use for this group. The author’s name is Jimmy Lee, and the idea behind his book is that on any given Sunday morning, our church pews hold many people who have come to the church service carrying a heavy load of problems, worries, and heartbreak. But the fact is, if you look around the sanctuary, you see lots of smiling faces.
With that in mind, it is important to remember that our feelings are important, and that denying or burying our real feelings always leads to trouble. Our feelings are a “warning system” that tells us when something may be wrong in our lives. When our feelings become numb or frozen, we disable that warning system.
Our goal must be to recognize our feelings—anger, hurt, guilt, fear, whatever—and then to work on what is causing them.
In this context of feelings, we also need to talk about defenses. Defenses are behaviors we use to cover up feelings and keep them hidden from ourselves and from others. Some of the defenses we talked about back in Insight Group included blaming, rationalizing, or even just hiding behind a smile.
Denial is one of the most common defenses. We demonstrate denial when we feel the need to protect and cover up the behavior of our dependent loved ones. The result can be that we join our loved ones in their denial.
In the end, denial results in distorted thinking which can lead to delusion and hopelessness.
Something that’s helpful in recognizing the dangers of delusion and of being blinded to our real feelings is the model of the Johari Window. (You may recall this from Insight Group.)
The Johari Window
1: OPEN
Known to me and openly shared with others.
2: SECRET
What I know and choose to hide from others.
3: BLIND
What others know about me, but I can’t see for myself.
4: SUBCONSCIOUS
The part of me that is hidden to all.
Joseph Luft in Group Processes describes the origin of the Johari Window. Dr. Harrington V. Ingham of the University of California at Los Angeles and Joseph Luft developed it during a summer laboratory in the 1950s. Johari is pronounced as a combination of the names Joe and Harry—the developers’ names (57).
The person who is numb to his or her real feelings ends up living—to a large degree—in window number three. They are blind to the realities of their actual situation and exist in a state of confused unreality.
The Bible talks about a potential danger of living in that state. Ephesians 4:19 begins, “Having lost all sensitivity,” or as we read in the King James Version, “Being past feeling,” they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity with a continual lust for more.
We need to return to the place of honestly acknowledging our true feelings and dealing with them. You may remember an exercise we did back in Insight Group that worked toward that goal. It was called a “Feelings Checklist.” Perhaps your perspective is different now, or maybe your feelings have changed. So let’s turn to that list again, and talk about some of the feelings we find there.
Are there any of these that stand out for you? Are there any that express where you are right now? Have you been able to honestly express any of these to another person?
Feelings Checklist
❏ accepted
❏ afraid
❏ angry
❏ anxious
❏ attractive
❏ beaten
❏ brave
❏ calm
❏ cheated
❏ cheerful
❏ confident
❏ confused
❏ cowardly
❏ cruel
❏ defeated
❏ depressed
❏ desperate
❏ different
❏ disappointed
❏ embarrassed
❏ excited
❏ fearful
❏ friendless
❏ frustrated
❏ gentle
❏ grateful
❏ guilty
❏ happy
❏ hateful
❏ hopeless
❏ hurt
❏ hypocritical
❏ ignored
❏ impatient
❏ independent
❏ inferior
❏ insecure
❏ jealous
❏ judged
❏ like a loser
❏ lonely ❏ loved ❏ loving
loyal ❏ macho ❏ misunderstood ❏ needy ❏ neglected
❏ out of touch
❏ overlooked
❏ persecuted
❏ phony ❏ preoccupied
❏ proud ❏ quiet
❏ rejected
❏ repulsive
❏ sad
❏ secure
❏ shy
❏ silly
❏ sorry for myself
❏ stupid
❏ suicidal
❏ superior
❏ supported
❏ suspicious
❏ touchy
❏ ugly
❏ upbeat ❏ uptight ❏ useless
❏ valuable
❏ violent ❏ weak
There’s a shorter list of feelings that deserve our special attention. These are some of the most basic human emotions—and the ones most likely to cause us problems.
Anger — feeling hostile, indignant, or exasperated
Sadness — feeling sorrowful or unhappy
Fear — feeling apprehensive
Guilt — feeling regretful awareness of wrong done
Shame — feeling embarrassment or disgrace
Gladness — feeling happy or joyful
After looking at these in Insight Group, and again this week, are there any of these feelings that you are coming to recognize in yourself? What are the hardest for you to acknowledge?
Recognizing the feelings that might have become numb or frozen can be an important step toward dealing with them.
Once we begin to know our feelings, the next step is to learn how to appropriately express them to the significant people in our lives. We’re going to talk about the difference between expressing our feelings through “you-messages” and expressing ourselves through “I-messages.”
Developing this communication skill is important in all areas of our lives, but especially when we express our feelings to our loved ones about the emotional subject of their life-controlling problems.
First we’ll look at you-messages. You-messages tend to increase conflict and cause the other person to become defensive. These messages can cause the other person to feel put down, rejected, resistant, or unimportant.
Here are some examples of you-messages (and I’m sure we could come up with more examples of our own).
“You have a problem with. . . .”
“You just don’t care!”
“Can’t you. . . .”
“You are so. . . .”
Contrast those you-messages with these I-messages.
“I feel very angry because. . . .”
“I feel rejected when. . . .”
“I’m feeling hurt because. . . .”
Where the you-messages put the other person on the defensive, the I-message has a much greater chance of getting through. It’s a much more effective way of expressing our feelings.
I-messages tell what you feel or how the other person’s behavior is making you feel.
I-messages:
• Deal with facts, rather than evaluation
• Help communicate honesty and openness
• Are much less likely to harm the relationship
• Do not attack the self-esteem of the other person
An I-message is different from a you-message in that the speaker takes responsibility for his or her own feelings. Another difference is that you-messages build walls, whereas I-messages take down walls.
To make sure that we understand this skill, and give us a little practice, let’s think about how we might use these messages in a couple of practical situations.
Here is the first one: Your spouse/parent/child/roommate watches TV all the time! He/she comes in from work, flips it on, and leaves it on until bedtime.
How could you express your feelings about that situation? Let’s start with a you-message.
Now, how could we express ourselves using I-messages?
Which kind of message is most likely to get the TV turned off? Why?
Here’s another situation: Your teenager (use your imagination if you don’t have a teen) has gotten into a habit of breaking curfew. He/she has just done it again. What you-message might a parent be likely to use here?
What I-messages might you use?
Which messages are more likely to be heard? Which would add to a wall of defensiveness?
This is an important skill to practice in the big and small communications of our lives, but especially when we want to express our deepest feelings.
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS LEAD-IN
As we move into our Bible study time, I think it is important for us to recognize that this whole issue of knowing and expressing our feelings isn’t just the thinking of some creative psychologist. God gave us our emotions. They are part of His creation, and throughout the Bible we find many examples of people expressing their feelings. It also identifies the danger of numb or frozen feelings as we read earlier in Ephesians 4:19.
In Matthew 13:13, Jesus provides an incredibly accurate description of a person in delusion: “Though seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do not hear or understand.”
The terms we use may be new, but the conditions—like denial and delusion—have been around almost since the creation of man.
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS
The Bible has a lot to say about feelings and provides many examples of feelings that Jesus Himself experienced during His time here on earth.
Matthew 9:36
What was Jesus feeling here?
And how were the people feeling?
In the times that we might feel harassed and helpless, isn’t it comforting to know that Jesus could recognize these people’s feelings, and care about them?
Luke 19:41
What is the emotion here?
Jesus knew what was ahead for the city, and was deeply concerned. What did Jesus do with His strong feeling of sadness?
(It is interesting to look a few verses down to verse 45 and see Jesus expressing another sort of emotion. He was angry about the buyers and sellers who had turned the temple into a shopping mall, and He let them know how He felt about it.)
Hebrews 5:7
What does Jesus’ example show us here?
John 11:17-44
This is a beautiful story of Jesus coming to His friends and comforting them in a time of great need. He felt their sadness right along with them. Back in verse 5, we read that Jesus loved Mary and Martha, and their brother Lazarus.
Notice in verse 33 how Jesus was deeply moved by Mary’s weeping. He shared in her feelings. He wept (v. 35). Even though He knew the “end of the story” and that Lazarus would rise from the dead, He didn’t brush off their feelings. He was moved by them.
This ties in with the comforting truth we find in our next passage.
Hebrews 4:14-16
How do we know that Jesus can identify with our feelings?
Why is it that we can come to God with confidence, and without hiding our true feelings?
What do we receive when we come to God?
APPLICATION
Jesus Himself experienced deep feelings. And he understands the feelings that we have—He sympathizes with our weakness.
Remember the crowd that was feeling harassed and helpless? Has that ever been your condition? Has He met you with compassion?
What freedom do you find in the fact that Jesus knows and understands our feelings? How could it affect the way we pray?
Have you ever come to God like Jesus did, with “loud cries and tears”?
What comfort do you find in Christ’s personal knowledge of our weaknesses and temptations?
What truths in this study can we carry into the week ahead?
CONCERNED PERSONS
Letting Go and Letting God
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
Sharing Question
How has this group been important or helpful to you?
SELF–AWARENESS
When a person is trapped in a life-controlling problem, everyone around that individual is affected—to a greater or lesser degree—by that person’s problem. Close family members are the hardest hit.
The family goes through emotional stages that are much like the process a dying person goes through as he or she learns to accept their coming death. (We borrow our names for these stages from Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s book, On Death and Dying.)
Mental health professionals agree that we experience these stages whenever there is a loss—major or minor.
Actually, it’s not too difficult to think about a loved one’s entrapment in a life-controlling problem as a death of sorts. Later in this session we’ll be looking at the story of the Prodigal Son, but for now, let me just quote from the words of the father in that story. He says, this son of mine was dead, but now he is alive again (Luke 15:24).
Before we get into these five stages, let me just say that although they most commonly occur in the order we’ve listed, we don’t want to give the wrong impression that they always happen in a strictly established order or on an exact timetable. In fact, the entire process may happen in a short period of time, or may last a lifetime. We may jump back and forth, or skip a stage entirely.
But there is still great value in being aware of them, because they can often help us understand what we’ve been feeling, and see that those feelings are normal.
Let’s take a few minutes to look at each one briefly.
1. Denial
In this first stage we protect ourselves from the shock of learning about our loved one’s condition by refusing to accept it. We’re trying to protect ourselves from the reality. “This can’t be,” is our natural first reaction.
When we are in this stage, we need to overcome the denial that is distorting our thinking so that we can look clearly at what is really happening.
2. Anger
As we begin to accept the facts of what is happening, we become angry. We direct our anger at God, at the circumstances, at other people who we feel should have helped, at our dependent family, and even at ourselves. This is a time of great emotional pain.
In our anger, we need to see how we have allowed ourselves to be controlled and preoccupied by our loved one. This anger can become a life-controlling problem of its own in our lives. We need to hear the warning of Ephesians 4:26, “In your anger do not sin.” A person who is in this angry stage needs to share their feelings with an understanding listener. Be aware of the harm that this anger can do to other relationships, especially to a marriage. Just keep in mind that these angry feelings are normal.
3. Bargaining
It is common at this stage for a concerned person to try to strike bargains with themselves, with others, and with God. We may promise ourselves that we will do better. We may set up agreements with our loved one to reward them for refraining from their problem behavior. We may bargain with God and promise to give to the church or do some good deeds if only He will fix our loved one’s problems.
A person in this stage needs to understand that help for a friend or loved one doesn’t depend on our performance. None of us is good enough to merit God’s help. Paul writes in Romans 3:23-24, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Jesus Christ.” We need to look closely at our powerlessness to change another person.
4. Depression
This is a stage of hopelessness and deep emotional pain. Grief fills the life of a person who feels they have lost a family member to a life-controlling problem. That loss brings on depression, and that depressed state can be serious. Archibald Hart, in his book Counseling the Depressed, states, “When
normal depression doesn’t remit within a reasonable period of time (at the longest two weeks) then it becomes a clinical depression and should be treated. It is possible for a psychologically triggered depression to be just as painful and serious in its symptoms as any biologically-based depression” (Counseling the Depressed, Word, Dallas 1987, p. 48).
In this stage, a person needs hope, and needs help in understanding his or her feelings. Sharing painful emotions can help us work through the depression stage. This is when the words of 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 become meaningful to us. Remember them from our study several weeks back? “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”
5. Acceptance
Finally we come to the place of relief, where we can turn our loved one over to God. This does not mean that we do not care but, rather, it means that we have accepted the reality of the situation.
This is where we emotionally detach ourselves from our loved one, even as we continue to love him or her so much. Here we are able to acknowledge that they are themselves responsible for their own behavior. We accept our powerlessness to change them.
As we went through the descriptions of these stages, did anyone see their own experiences reflected? Have you been through any of this?
Or maybe they reflect a present reality for someone you know?
As we begin to understand these stages, it’s important for us to work on some of the practical issues of how we ought to respond to our loved ones in their need. Along that line, we’re going to look at some of the dangers of what we refer to as “enabling” our dependent loved one.
Enabling
Let’s start with a definition. Enabling is anything we do that stands in the way of—or softens—the natural consequences of a person’s behavior.
• An enabler unknowingly helps his or her dependent loved one to continue his downward spiral of addiction.
• An enabler continues to help even though his or her assistance is being abused.
• An enabler learns to rescue the friend or loved one from their responsibilities.
• An enabler actually prolongs the problem.
Here are some examples of enabling.
• Covering up the behavior of your friend or loved one
• Bailing him or her out of jail
• Making excuses for him or her
• Minimizing your friend or loved one’s problem
• Blaming yourself for your loved one’s problem
• Giving him or her “one more chance” over and over again
Enabling is “good intentions gone wrong.” An enabler is well-meaning but, in fact, our enabling can keep our loved one from ever really facing the truth about their life-controlling problem. Our behavior may actually be hindering rather than helping our loved one’s recovery.
Unfortunately, enabling can become a habit. Your loved one needs you to support his denial and deceit, and he or she can make you feel guilty if you try to stop your enabling behavior. He or she might say, “If you love me, you’ll . . .” You fill in the blank.
So what is our responsibility to our troubled loved one? We are to be supportive. To help us understand how that works, let’s think about the difference between enabling and supporting.
ENABLER: SUPPORTER:
Tries to fix Shows empathy
Attempts to protect Encourages
Repeatedly rescues
Permits the person to be responsible for his or her own actions
Attempts to control Lovingly confronts with truth
Manipulates Levels—speaks honestly
Expects the other person to live up to “my” expectations
Expects the other person to be responsible
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS LEAD-IN
The Bible has a lot to say to us in the process of accepting the situation our loved one is in, as well as how we need to interact with that troubled friend or family member. And it also addresses this area of enabling—both by example and by direct instruction.
Let’s open our Bibles and see what God says to us about our concerns for our dependent friends and loved ones.
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS
ALLOW MINUTES 25
Our first passage talks about how we are even powerless to fix what’s wrong in our own lives—to say nothing of trying to fix what’s wrong in the lives of others.
Romans 7:18-25
Look at verses 18-20. What was Paul’s frustration?
What was his problem? And why are we powerless on our own to do good? (v. 18)
We find our hope in verses 24 and 25. Where does our help come from?
Can you think of how we can help our loved ones find the hope and help that is in Christ?
John 15:5
Why is a consistent relationship with Jesus Christ vital?
Our next passage tells the story of a father and his loved one who was trapped by a life-controlling problem. We know this portion of Scripture as the Parable of the Lost Son, or the Prodigal Son. Let’s read it together.
Luke 15:11-32
This young man had a problem with money (among other things). We’ve come to call him the Prodigal Son, even though the word prodigal isn’t found in the text. But even so, it is a pretty accurate description of his problem.
Does anyone know what the word prodigal means?
We’d probably call him a “compulsive spender.”
Your loved one may have a different life controlling problem, but the principles and the hope that we find in this passage are helpful to all of us.
The son’s departure from his father’s house begins his journey into a life-controlling problem, and the rest of his story pretty much follows the expected pattern of any life-controlling problem.
What words do we find in verse 16 that address the subject of enabling?
The fact that no one gave him anything leads to what happens in verse 17. What did happen next?
Where did the son finally break out of his blindness and delusion about his problem?
Notice that the father didn’t follow his son and rescue him from the consequences of his behavior. In what ways do you think this contributed to his son’s eventual return?
Did the father’s inaction mean that he didn’t care about his son?
Maybe this father was familiar with the truth of this next verse.
Proverbs 19:19
What is the lesson here?
Psalm 27:14
What does this say to the father in the story of the Prodigal Son, and what does it say to us who care about loved ones who are trapped by a life-controlling problem?
APPLICATION
The most important fact we can take away from this entire session is that we are powerless to fix what is wrong in our loved one’s lives. But God says, “Bring your loved one to Me. I want to work on a one-toone basis in his or her life.”
There is a beautiful picture of this “letting go” process in the Old Testament record of the life of Moses. You’ll remember that when Moses was an infant there was a decree from Pharaoh that each baby boy should be thrown into the Nile.
Moses’ mother recognized her powerlessness to save him, so she turned him over to God. She prepared a basket, placed baby Moses in it, and left it among the reeds on the riverbank. As the sister of Moses watched, Pharaoh’s daughter found the baby, and the child was spared. Moses grew up to become a great deliverer of his people because his mother was willing to turn him over to God.
The question we need to ask ourselves is: Are we in the way of what God wants to do in our loved one’s life?
What would it mean to you to “let go and let God”?
What is the first step you would take to begin to turn your loved one over to God?
CLOSING PRAYER
CONCERNED PERSONS
Family Dynamics
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
Sharing Question
How does one person’s struggle affect those around them, especially their family?
SELF-AWARENESS
Understanding brings grace and healing.
It is important to understand the environment and spiritual baggage, both good and bad, brought into relationships. This helps to identify areas of needed healing and compassion while encouraging our loved to make god choices based on solutions for better living.
Our struggles affect more than us alone. One of the most damaging delusions we entertain is that our problems are not hurting anyone other than ourselves. On the contrary, one person’s problems affect a network of personal relationships. The closer the relationship, the greater the impact. For example, our misbehavior may only slightly affect our job performance, but it may devastate our immediate family. This is known as the domino effect. If a husband is too involved at work, this may trigger conflict with his wife. The parents’ preoccupation with their own issues, in turn, may cause one child to misbehave at school and another to turn to an eating disorder. As this happens again and again, relationships are destroyed.
WE ARE PART OF A FAMILY SYSTEM.
We use the term family system to describe the attitudes and patterns by which families operate. When one member of the family system has a problem, the others will deal with the problem according to the pattern they have learned. Each family member is an element in the whole, affecting and being affected by the system.
We can become more effective in helping ourselves and others when we understand that all of us are affected by a system of relationships that extends into past generations and that our actions will also impact future generations.
Some homes are more functional than others.
Even the most godly parents make mistakes. Many families are dysfunctional, which means there are relationship problems in the family that keep it from being an emotionally healthy environment. There are many characteristics of a dysfunctional family, and the following list includes a few.
• The children are the center of the family and are all that the parents have in common.
• When there is a problem, the parents blame each other.
• Family members are defensive and do not communicate.
• Problems and conflicts never resolve; they repeat in endless cycles.
• Parents are closer to the children than to each other.
• Authority is lax; children make decisions that parents should make.
• Authority is too strong; parents have no consideration for children’s feelings.
• When a child has a problem, he or she cannot find help because one parent interferes.
When a family is struggling with the life-controlling issues of one or more members, the family can become too enmeshed or disengaged. Enmeshed families are so entwined that they have no personal identity; personal boundaries and responsibilities are eroded. Disengaged families have little or no emotional connection, so they must deal with their pain individually and cannot be supportive to one another.
In a functional family, there is a sense of family wholeness. Members have a feeling of belonging that contributes to their personal sense of well-being. Functional families have balance. People feel safe and cared for. Children are secure because they know their family loves them. Members are held responsible
for their own actions, and when there is a problem, family members know how to help appropriately. No one person is the center of attention, and communication is open and honest.
In a functional family, parents do not place a higher priority on their children than on the marriage relationship. Parents exercise authority and strive to reflect the character of God’s true nature. Functional families look different from each other, but they all share two characteristics: balance and age appropriateness.
There are no perfectly functional families, because there are no perfect people. All of us suffer some dysfunction, and that is why recognizing destructive patterns in relationships is important.
Children in troubled families learn three rules of behavior that they carry into adulthood.
Don’t talk.
Children in dysfunctional families learn not to talk about the problems because if they do, family members will blame them for stirring up trouble. The dysfunctional family prefers to pretend things are better than they are, and they will punish anyone who confronts them with the truth. They are afraid the truth will only cause more problems.
Don’t trust.
Children in these families learn not to trust because most of the promises made to them are broken. Dad may promise to take a child to a sporting event, but instead of keeping his promise, he becomes intoxicated.
Don’t feel.
Children learn not to feel because they do not want to suffer any more pain.
Children assume roles in families.
Children in troubled homes also develop roles they play in order to survive and cope with their pain. These roles are commonly labeled the Perfect Child, Rebellious Child, Withdrawn Child, and Mascot or Clown Child. While all children assume these roles to some extent, children from dysfunctional families play them to greater extremes.
Sharon Wegscheider, in her classic work Children of Alcoholics Caught in a Family Trap, describes those roles: family hero, scapegoat, lost child, and mascot. We have also observed these roles in other dysfunctional families where the problem was not alcoholism.
Hero
The hero child becomes a surrogate parent for the rest of the children by taking care of their needs. However, the hero child feels inadequate in the role of creating “normalcy” for the rest of the family. Although he or she may excel outside the home, inside he or she feels inadequate.
Scapegoat
The scapegoat child is, in a sense, the most healthy child in the family. He or she sees things the way they are and doesn’t mind talking about these issues, even though this works against the “don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel” rules.
As the scapegoat child attempts to talk about the feelings, everyone turns against him or her rather than focusing on the real issue. He or she is seen as the creator of the problem. This person, consequently, becomes angry and rebellious. He or she may turn to drugs or other socially unacceptable behavior.
Lost
The lost child is typically a loner. He or she is not a problem. No one pays much attention to this child. As a result, the child tends to daydream or fantasize. The lost child may seem independent but in reality is very dependent, lonely, and sad.
Mascot
The mascot is the child who deals with all the family problems with humor. He or she relieves some of the pressure. Because of the mascot child, the family begins to feel that things are not as bad as they appear to be. This child may feel lost and inadequate or confused, yet no one knows this.
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS LEAD–IN
Our struggles may have roots in the way we learned to survive as children.
When we grow up in a dysfunctional family environment, we live with pain and chaos. We see destructive behaviors modeled before us, and we often carry these learned behaviors into our adult lives, recreating the type of environment we grew up in by repeating the mistakes of our elders. These behaviors handed down from generation to generation are what we call hand-me-downs.
Hand-me-downs are behavior patterns that have their roots in the family system and are helpful in understanding why we behave as we do. A child growing up accepts the behaviors they observe every day at home as normal because they have no other reference. As adults, people tend to create the same type of family relationships they knew as children. The influence of our childhood family is extremely powerful. Parents are leaving a legacy for their children that will affect them—either positively or negatively—throughout their lives.
For I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments (Exodus 20:5).
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS
God’s Word and influence can be handed down to the next generation. However, unhealthy paradigms can be handed down also. Peter described them as “the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers” (1 Peter 1:18). Futile behavior patterns, traditions, and lifestyles are often handed down from generation to generation.
There is hope for sons and daughters who have been handed down dysfunctional pain. Let’s look at 1 Peter 1:17-23.
1 Peter 1:17
First, God is fair. Children reared by an abusive or neglectful father often have an incorrect view of God, picturing Him as their earthly father. The good news is that our Heavenly Father is perfect and fair.
Does the fact that God is perfect and fair remove our responsibility for our choices? Why or why not?
1 Peter 1:18-19
Second, Christ offers release from enslaving hand-me-downs. This comes “not with perishable things such as silver or gold . . . but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect” (1 Peter 1:18-19).
How does the precious blood of Christ bring freedom?
1 Peter 1:20
Third, Jesus knows each of us personally. God knew our need before the world was created, and made provision for us to be released from hand-me-downs.
What does this tell us about His personal concern?
1 Peter 1:22
Fourth, God will help you walk in His behavior patterns.
How do we cleanse ourselves and have love for others?
It is interesting to trace our family tree and even do generational behavior studies; however, freedom comes first by being “born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God” (1 Peter 1:23). To live a life free from enslaving hand-me-downs, it is imperative to walk out God’s behavior patterns.
APPLICATION
Discuss the following questions as a group.
1. How would you define dysfunction? (Use your own words.) ALLOW MINUTES 25
2. What are some evidences of dysfunction in a family?
3. What is a hand-me-down? What is the purpose of identifying hand-me-downs we have carried from childhood into adulthood?
4. 1 Peter 1:18 says, “It was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life [useless and foolish behaviors, learned behaviors, lifestyles, traditions] handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ.”
What emotional and behavioral hand-me-downs have you received from your family of origin?
5. If you have received Christ as your Savior, how should you deal with the “baggage” or useless and foolish behaviors in your life? See 1 Peter 1:22-23.
CLOSING PRAYER
CONCERNED PERSONS
Care-fronting
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
Sharing Question
If you were called on to give a speech describing the good qualities of the members of this group, what would you say?
SELF–AWARENESS
When we first met together a few weeks back, we talked about our goals for this group. you’ll remember that the first one was to build some strength into our lives. Toward that goal, we looked together at the comfort God has for us, and the reasons that we can have hope—a confident expectation of something good, even when circumstances may seem hopeless.
Then we looked at some of the dangers we need to watch out for. We talked about codependency and what happens when we let a dependent loved one take the place that God should hold in our lives. We also talked about how we can have a problem with hidden or numb feelings. Another danger we looked at was enabling, and how we need to “stay out of the way” and let God work in our loved one’s life.
Along the way we’ve studied some tools that will help us as we deal with our loved ones in their need. An important communication tool that we talked about was the effective use of I-messages rather than the you-messages that can cause our loved ones to feel put down and defensive.
Along that line, our subject for this session is another useful tool of communication. It is something we call “care-fronting.” You may recall the term from Insight Group. I hope you had a chance to study this communication technique in your workbook this week.
It can be difficult to communicate with a person who is enslaved by a stronghold, because it is likely that they have been blinded to the reality of their condition. We would say that they are living in denial and delusion.
Jim Holwerda and David Egner express this well in their work on addiction (p 7).
The fantasy world of an addict is more important to him than the real world. As he lets his thoughts go, he becomes convinced that the scenario he constructs to support his addiction is true. When shoplifters are caught, for example, they are often startled. The reality of the truth that they were stealing had been distorted. They had not realistically considered that they might face arrest or jail or embarrassment—the real consequences of their behavior…
Along with distortion is a breakdown in logical thinking. The addicted person, for example, refuses to link alcohol abuse with impaired driving. Or sexual sin with a threat to his marriage. Or compulsive spending with bankruptcy.
The Lord was crystal-clear in the Scriptures in setting forth the principle of sowing and reaping. But the addicted person won’t accept it because he isn’t thinking straight. He may often say when caught, “I can’t believe it was me doing this…
The addicted person actually begins to believe the lies he tells himself to justify his habit.
Even as we get out of the way and allow God to work in our friend or family member’s life, our communication with them is very important. With each communication there is a chipping away of that person’s denial system. Effective communication will lessen the defense mechanism of that person and allow them to hear the truth in a caring way. In other words, we can help our loved one to tear down a wall of defenses, brick by brick, until they are able to see themselves as they really are.
In his book Caring Enough to Confront, author David Augsburger originates the term “care-fronting.” Augsburger introduces us to this idea of care-fronting as a communication technique that brings together the positive idea of caring with the negative idea of confronting. The reason confronting has negative connotations is because it is usually done in anger. But when we get rid of the anger, and replace it with caring, then confronting our loved one with the truth can actually be the most loving thing we can do.
Care-fronting says to the other person that you care about them enough to confront them about the issues that are important to you.
Your purpose is to gently help them see themselves as they really are. We want to chip away—bit by bit—the wall of delusion that hides the reality of the downward spiral of their life-controlling problem.
Lets look at some of the practical elements of
1. Focus on the action, not on the actor. We need to be careful not to criticize or label a person as “bad.” Instead, focus on the behaviors that are causing the problem. When the person tries to use a defense like rationalizing or anger or denial, always bring the discussion back to the behaviors. Our emphasis should be on what the person does rather than any sort of personal attack.
2. Focus on the facts, not on your personal conclusions. Focus on observations and facts instead of what you think or imagine. Make statements about what you have actually seen and heard, and not on any conclusions you personally have drawn.
3. Focus on descriptions, not on judgments. Your role is not to judge the behaviors as good or bad—the facts speak for themselves. Keep the lines of communication open by never placing a value judgment on the other person’s behavior. By giving descriptions rather than judgments, you put yourself in a neutral role of reporting on what has been seen rather than judging that behavior as right or wrong.
4. Focus on ideas, information, and alternatives, not on advice or answers. Be careful not to use scare tactics, give pat answers, or even offer specific advice. The other person may resent your insistence on giving help or answers. If your help is sought, point out the options the person has. The options may include continuing on with the problem behavior, getting professional help, joining a support group, and others. When you are providing information and alternatives, the other person feels free to choose a personal course of action, rather than coming to depend on you.
5. Focus on what and how, not on why. The question why only serves to raise a person’s defenses, and makes it more difficult to penetrate his or her state of delusion. Instead, talk about observable behaviors that can be described by such words as what, how when, or where. Why may break the communication because it can cause defensiveness by questioning his or her motives. Yes, the motives may be wrong, but his or her delusion can best be penetrated by facts presented in a non threatening way, by a helper who is depending on the Holy Spirit’s guidance.
How could care-fronting help you reach through the wall of isolation and delusion that surrounds your loved one?
Have you been a care-fronter or an angry con-fronter?
Which of the principles of care-fronting has been (or could be) most helpful to you? Describe.
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS LEAD-IN
The Bible uses another phrase that beautifully expresses this idea of care-fronting. Paul writes in Ephesians 4:15, “Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the head, that is, Christ.”
Let’s take a few minutes and focus on the five important words in this verse: speaking the truth in love.
How does that balance of truth and love apply to our communication with our loved ones?
Why is it important to bring both elements—truth and love—into our care-fronting?
How do the two ideas of truth and love work together?
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS
In the Bible we find a story from the life of Jesus that clearly illustrates the principles of care-fronting. It is the story of a woman caught in adultery.
John 8:3-11
How were the woman’s accusers a poor example of communicating with a person trapped by a lifecontrolling problem?
How was Jesus a good example of care-fronting? How did He bring together both caring and confronting?
Was Jesus condoning her sin (saying it was okay) by not condemning her?
There’s another passage that describes why Jesus came to earth, and what He wants to do in the lives of those trapped by sin.
John 3:17-18
Why did Jesus come?
The person enslaved by a stronghold is already under condemnation. Our loved ones need freedom in Christ, not more condemnation.
It is not our job to condemn or to judge, nor is it our responsibility to convict a dependent friend or family member in order to produce changed behavior.
John 16:8
Whose job is it to convict our loved ones of their sin? Who is responsible for the work of conviction?
In this context, what does it mean to convict?
We don’t need to convince our loved ones of their error and sinfulness, or to declare their guilt. We are to speak the truth in love, and leave the work of convicting to the Holy Spirit.
Care-fronting and the convicting work of the Holy Spirit go hand in hand in freeing our loved ones from a life-controlling problem.
The Bible also offers good instruction concerning our speech. Let’s look at some verses that talk about our attitude and our manner as we speak the truth in love.
Colossians 4:6
What ought to characterize our speech?
Proverbs 15:28 and 29:20
What guidance do we find here?
1 Peter 2:17a
What attitude should be evident in our lives?
Ephesians 4:2
What attitude should we bring to our communication with our loved one?
Ephesians 4:14-15
We looked at verse 14 earlier, but let’s put it in context here. This chapter talks about becoming mature in the faith.
How does verse 14 describe immature Christians?
What is the contrast in verse 15?
As we “speak the truth in love,” what test of our words can we find in verse 29?
Let’s put together a picture of what good things ought to characterize our speech. These are especially important in the sensitive conversations with our dependent or addicted friend or family member.
Our speech is to be:
• gracious
• kind
• loving
• sensible
• thoughtful—not spoken in haste
• respectful
• humble
• gentle
• patient
None of these would be true of an angry confrontation, but they fit perfectly into the picture of carefronting. Let them guide your speech—especially as you “speak the truth in love” to a troubled loved one.
APPLICATION
In our Bible study time we’ve looked at two main ideas. The first is that we are to speak the truth in love. That’s care-fronting. Secondly, we looked at the work of the Holy Spirit in convicting people of their sin.
I’d like for us to talk together about how these two ideas work together.
How could angry confrontation actually get in the way of the Holy Spirit’s work? ALLOW
How can our care-fronting (speaking the truth in love) and the Holy Spirit’s convicting power work together in our loved one’s life?
What happens when we try to do the Holy Spirit’s work of convicting our loved ones (of convincing them of their guilt)?
What difference would it make in your communication with your loved one if you committed yourself to the principle of speaking the truth in love?
CLOSING PRAYER
CONCERNED PERSONS
Ministry to One Another
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
Sharing Question
What is a good thing that is happening in your life right now, and what makes it good?
SELF–AWARENESS
No person is an island unto himself. We need other people in our lives. Concern for our loved ones can be a source of pain in our lives—especially when we suffer the effects of their life-controlling problems.
We normally spend our Self-awareness time discussing some of the important issues that touch on our role as concerned persons. But today we’re going to take a different direction and begin a ministry to one another that will continue over the next two weeks.
We’re going to invite several of you to share a brief history of your role as a concerned person. Specifically, we’d like you to talk about how you see this role affecting other areas of your life. That could include such areas as family, friends, health, job, school, hobbies, money, relationship to God, recreation, and others. Then we’d like you to make an assessment of the progress you’re making. And finally, tell us how God is working in your life.
After each volunteer has spoken, we’re going to ask a few questions—if we need to—that can help us better understand what we’ve heard.
The last step will be for us to go around the group and ask each one for feedback on what they’ve heard. Our feedback should be based on what we’ve learned about the symptoms of codependency, enabling, and rescuing.
As you listen, think about whether or not you feel this person is making progress, and whether he or she has an accurate understanding of their relationship with the dependent person. Or, for those who aren’t now in a relationship as a concerned person, think about whether or not this person understands the basic concepts of a dependent relationship.
Listen actively and, as you listen, ask yourself:
• Does this person have a clear understanding of his or her role as a concerned person?
• Are there hidden or frozen feelings, denial, or blind areas that are hindering a clear view?
• What personal strengths do I see in this person that he of she may not be aware of?
• What evidence do I see of God at work in this life?
We’ll begin this process today, and continue over the next two weeks, until everyone has had a chance to speak. Before we get started, I’d like to lay some ground rules.
1. Honesty is important—both in your sharing and in the response of the group. We must be honest. Even as we affirm each other, this is no place for the kind of empty flattery that can keep a person from seeing themselves clearly.
2. It is important to recognize the difference between feedback and advice. Our purpose in this ministry to one another is simply to offer feedback, not to tell each other what to do. The best thing you can do for me is to help me see myself more clearly.
3. Our comments need to focus on healing and not on hurting. Our aim is to support each other in love. So think in terms of encouragement and not tearing down. Along that line, it is important that we identify personal strengths we observe in each other.
Let me go over once more “The Ministry to One Another” format we will use.
First, give us a brief account of your history as a concerned person—not every detail, but enough to help us understand. To remind us all, when we talk about a concerned person, we’re talking about a person who has a concern about someone close to them, and/or a person who may be suffering the consequences of a loved one’s life-controlling problem.
Second, tell us how you feel that your role as a concerned person is affecting the important areas of your life (your relationships with family and friends, and with God, your health, job, recreation, money, your church, and other significant areas).
Third, tell us whether you feel like you are making any progress in your role as a concerned person.
Finally, tell us how you feel God is working in your life.
The rest of us are here as active listeners. Our goal is to support you in this process, and not to judge. I hope you sense that as you speak.
Okay, (Name)…
Now I’m going to ask each of you to show your loving concern for (Name) by offering some feedback about what you’ve heard.
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS LEAD-IN
I look forward to continuing this important sharing next week. This kind of experience is valuable in two ways. First, it is helpful to our volunteers—and to all of us—as we use the principles we’ve learned, and apply them to real life circumstances.
Secondly, this kind of honest and caring interaction can be an important part of the healing that needs to happen in each of our lives.
Some, if not all, of the members of this group come here each week with some deep hurts. We’ve been injured. We may be “walking wounded”—still functioning in our daily lives, but wounded nonetheless.
Can you think of some of the kinds of injuries that a concerned person may be experiencing? What about damaged relationships? Injured feelings and emotions? Physical difficulties (especially those caused by stress)? Damaged sense of self-worth?
We’re going to talk about the healing that needs to take place in our lives. And we’ll look at how we can set that healing process in motion.
Actually, the ministry toward each other that we began today/tonight can be an important part of that healing process. Can you think of some of the ways that this kind of caring and sharing can lead to healing?
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS
The Bible has a great deal to say to us about the healing God wants to bring to us in our “wounded” condition. In earlier weeks we’ve already talked about the comfort He offers us and that we can share with others, and the hope that is ours in Christ. These are important truths to keep in our hearts and minds. And as we understand them better, and experience them more fully, God can use this comfort and hope to begin to heal some of the hurts.
The Book of James offers some additional insight into the subject of healing.
James 5:13-20
These verses talk about things we can do, things others can do for us, and then what God will do.
Let’s start with ourselves. What can we do?
What can others do for us?
What will God do?
This passage keeps returning to the idea of prayer as the key to healing. What can we learn about prayer from these verses (especially verses 13-18)?
66:18
What can hinder our prayers?
1 John 1:9
How can we regain a clear line of communication with God?
Look back to verse seven.
1 John 1:7
How does John describe this open communication with God and with one another?
What are the “benefits” of walking in the light?
Let’s briefly review what we’ve learned so far about healing.
How does healing come?
• through experiencing God’s comfort and focusing on our hope in Christ
• through prayer and open communication with God
• through the caring ministry of other Christians
Finally, we’re going to talk about the healing that can come through the act of forgiveness.
Matthew 18:21-35
What is our instruction from this parable that Jesus told to His disciples?
The next verses are even more to the point.
What are we told here?
Ephesians 4:32
What does this verse say about forgiveness?
All through the Scriptures we find these two ideas connected: We need God’s forgiveness, and we need to forgive.
We need God’s forgiveness to deal with the “sin problem” in our lives. But it might not be as clear to us why it’s so important for us to forgive others.
Why do you think forgiving others is such a continuing theme?
Ephesians 4:31
What does this verse say to us about the importance of our forgiving others? Can someone define malice?
Listen to this list of synonyms for malice, and think about the phrase “every form of malice.” These are some of the “forms” of malice: ill will, spite, grudges, bitter and persistent hatred, harbored feelings of resentment. There are more, but you get the idea.
What damage could these kinds of strong negative emotions cause?
APPLICATION
Some of the healing God wants to bring to our lives is centered in this area of forgiveness, and we’re going to take the next few minutes to think about how God may be speaking to us in this area.
Let’s look back at Ephesians 4:31 and 32 together, and notice the contrast between them.
Think for a moment about the hurting places in you life and some of the injury that you have experienced in your role as a concerned person.
Have you experienced any of the bitterness, anger, or “forms of malice” we mentioned earlier?
Have you been able to forgive your loved one for any pain he or she has brought to your life? (How has God made it possible for you to forgive?)
Another area of forgiveness that gets to the heart of our role as concerned persons is our willingness to forgive ourselves. Ephesians 4:32 tells us that God has forgiven us—but we need to show ourselves the same kindness and compassion that we are to show others.
Our tendency is to carry a lot of blame for our loved one’s problem. But God says that if we have confessed our sins, then He has forgiven them and made us clean and pure in His sight. Then those sins are behind us and forgotten. We only need to acknowledge our forgiveness, and not continue to blame ourselves.
The question for us is: Are we still carrying a load of blame?
Have you forgiven yourself for any wrongs you might have done that have contributed to your loved one’s problem?
If you have confessed that sin, how does God see you?
How has God spoken to you through our study today?
Are there any specific steps you need to take this week?
CONCERNED PERSONS
Ministry to One Another Conclusion
INTRODUCTION
Opening Prayer
Sharing Question
What has been most meaningful to you in this group?
SELF–AWARENESS
When our relationship to a dependent or addicted loved one takes over our lives, we may come to define who we are on the basis of that relationship. But we need to recognize and remember that our personal significance comes from God. We need to look to Him for our sense of well-being and selfidentity. In what ways has your self-image been distorted by your role as a concerned person?
We’re going to continue the ministry to one another for those who haven’t yet had their opportunity to speak. As you remember, our purpose is to give each person an opportunity to share a brief history of their experience as a concerned person, and how that relationship has affected the major areas of their lives. Those major areas may include: relationships with family and friends, job (or school), finances, health, recreation time, social life, or any other areas that are key to your life.
After each person is finished speaking, then we’ll each offer feedback about what we’ve heard.
Before we start, I need to remind us all of the ground rules.
1. Honesty is important.
2. Feedback is not advice. Our purpose in sharing is to provide honest feedback about what we hear, and to help each of us see ourselves and our relationships more clearly.
3. Our focus is on helping and healing, and not on tearing down. Our ultimate aim is to encourage.
Who is ready to get us started?
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS LEAD-IN
As each one has been given an opportunity to experience this ministry of love and honesty from other group members, I hope you have found it to be a valuable experience, both being on the giving side of the feedback and on the receiving side.
But as helpful and practical as this may have been, remember that God also wants to speak to us in other ways. Yes, other Christians can give us important insight into ourselves, but He also wants us to let His Word speak to us and be a light that helps us to see into our hearts and lives.
Why is it important that we balance the suggestions and encouragement of other people with the truth we find in God’s Word?
SPIRITUAL AWARENESS
A Whole New Way of Thinking
God has given us many resources to help us and to teach us.
ALLOW
MINUTES
• He has given us His people—other believers—who can minister to us, as we’ve seen, in so many practical and caring ways.
• He has given us His Spirit to teach us, to comfort us, and to lead us into all truth.
• He has given us the truth of His Word, living and active and sharp enough to penetrate to the heart of any issue.
• He has also given each one of us a mind, and our minds can be a valuable help to us. But first they must be renewed—cleansed, rebuilt, made new.
When we become Christians, God wants us to begin a whole new way of thinking. Let’s read about what He wants to do—in our minds and in our lives.
Romans 12:2
What can a renewed mind do for us?
Ephesians 4:22-24
These verses contrast our old self—which is corrupted by deceitful desires—with our new self in Christ. Where does the newness begin?
What are the qualities of the new self?
What are we able to do once we have put off the old self?
When we talk about putting on the new self, it is important to remember that inside of us, “the flesh”— our old sin nature—still struggles to be in charge.
When we talk about taking off the old nature and putting on the new, we’re speaking of a daily decision to “shed the skin” of the old self and “be made new” in the attitudes of our minds.
Philippians 4:8-9
An important part of the act of putting on the new self starts in our mind. Each of these verses contains an instruction. What are the instructions here?
These are conscious decisions: First to think right, and then to act right. We aren’t puppets, and God won’t control our thoughts and our actions.
How would our thinking change—especially in terms of our loved ones—if we began to follow the guidelines Paul gives us here in verse 8?
An important area of our thinking that I’d like us to spend a little time on is how we think about ourselves.
It is common for a concerned person to think wrongly about himself or herself. We may allow our relationship to a troubled friend or family member to actually define who we are.
But if we are believers, then we have an identity in Christ that establishes our value and worth apart from any human relationship, and apart from any wrong thing we might have done.
The basis of our identity is expressed clearly in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians.
Ephesians 2:1-10
Let’s look down through these verses and see what they tell us about who we were and who we now are in Christ.
Let’s look at other verses that can help us see our identity and our worth through God’s eyes.
Psalm 139:14-16
These are just two verses from a beautiful psalm. What do they tell us about who we are?
Romans 8:37-39
What does this passage tell us about our identity?
Ephesians 1:7
Who are we in Christ?
Colossians 1:19-22
How does God see us (through Christ)?
APPLICATION
ALLOW MINUTES 25
God wants us to begin a whole new way of thinking. And if you are struggling in this area of your selfidentity and self-worth, then you need to begin to think of yourself as God sees you.
Do we see ourselves primarily as the father, mother, brother, sister, wife, husband, son, daughter, or friend of a person who is enslaved by a life-controlling problem?
Do we see ourselves as guilty of something we did or didn’t do that was the cause of someone else’s problem?
God says, “No! That’s not who you are.”
He says that we have value and an identity apart from our human relationships, and apart from any past mistakes. When God looks at us, He sees us in Christ.
In Christ, We are:
• loved with an everlasting love.
• heaven-bound.
• saved by grace.
• known to God.
• raised up with Christ.
• wonderfully made.
• more than conquerors.
• forgiven.
• holy.
• free from accusation.
• God’s workmanship and He has a purpose for us.
How is God working in this area of your self-identity and self-worth? Have any of these truths spoken to you in a special way?
Is there a part of the identity that we have in Christ that was especially meaningful to you?
How has God spoken to you about how He sees you, and who you are in Christ?
I want to end our time together thinking about the subject of our focus. I want us to look back over the last nine weeks and think about if and how our focus has changed.
If this had been a secular help group, we would have been encouraged to focus on our loved one and on our relationship and on ourselves. But this is a distinctly Christian group, and our unique message is summarized in Hebrews 12:1 and 2.
We’ve read these verses before, but they are very appropriate as we come to the conclusion of our time together. Notice the upward focus—“Fix our eyes on Jesus.” Focus on Him.
Let’s talk about how we’ve been able to put this upward focus into action. How has your focus changed over the past nine weeks?
The world says, “Focus on your loved one,” but God says, “Focus on things above, things eternal. Have you seen that kind of change in your focus?
A Final Thought
Our prayer for you is that your focus will more and more be turned upward. Of course we continue to care about our loved ones and offer our support. But the focus of our lives must rest on our eternal goal.
Prioritizing our focus—refocusing—is a process. It doesn’t happen all at once. The apostle Paul says it well, and we’ll end with these verses from Philippians 3:12-14.
“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, [He’s saying that this is a process he’s working on] but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
CLOSING PRAYER
The Plan of Salvation
Is there any good reason why you cannot receive Jesus Christ right now?
How to receive Christ:
1. Admit your need (that you are a sinner).
2. Be willing to turn from your sins (repent).
3. Believe that Jesus Christ died for you on the cross and rose from the grave.
4. Through prayer, invite Jesus Christ to come in and control your life through the Holy Spirit (receive Him as Savior and Lord).
What to Pray
Dear God,
I know that I am a sinner and need Your forgiveness. I believe that Jesus Christ died for my sins.
I am willing to turn from my sins.
I now invite Jesus Christ to come into my heart and life as my personal savior.
I am willing, by God’s strength, to follow and obey Jesus Christ as the Lord of my life.
Date
Signature
The Bible says, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13
“Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.” John 1:12
“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 5:1
• When we receive Christ, we are born into the family of God through the supernatural work of the Holy Spirit who lives within every believer. This process is called regeneration or the new birth.
• Share your decision to receive Christ with another person.
• Connect to a local church.
Selected Bibliography
Augsburger, David. Caring Enough to Confront. Glendale: Regal Books, 1980.
Beattie, Melodie. Codependent No More. New York: Harper & Row Publishers, 1987.
Carnes, Patrick. Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction. Minneapolis: CompCare Publishers, 1983.
Cook, Jerry, and Stanley C. Baldwin. Love, Acceptance and Forgiveness. Glendale: Regal Books, 1979.
Crabb, Lawrence J. Effective Biblical Counseling. Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1977.
______________. The Marriage Builder. Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1982.
______________. Connecting. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishing, 2005.
Hart, Archibald. Counseling the Depressed. Dallas: Word Publishing, 1987.
Hemfelt, Robert, Frank Minirth, and Paul Meier. Love Is A Choice—Recovery for Codependent Relationships. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1989.
Holwerda, Jim and David Egner. “Doing Away with Addiction.” Discovery Digest, Vol. 12, No. 4, Grand Rapids: Radio Bible Class, 1988.
Kubler-Ross, Elisabeth. On Death and Dying. New York: MacMillan, 1969.
Lee, Jimmy Ray. Understanding the Times. Chattanooga: Living Free Ministries, 1997.
Schaumburg, Harry W. False Intimacy. Colorado Springs: Navpress, 1992.
Seamands, David A. Healing for Damaged Emotions. Wheaton: Victor Books, 1981.
Stanley, Charles F. Handle with Prayer. Wheaton: Victor Books, 1988.
Thurman, Chris. The Lies We Believe. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1989.
VanVonderen, Jeff. Good News for the Chemically Dependent. Nashville: Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1985.
Wilson, Sandra D. Counseling Adult Children of Alcoholics. Dallas: Word Publishing, 1989.
Wilson, Sandra D. Hurt People Hurt People. Grand Rapids: Discovery House Publishers, 2001.
NOTES
Living Free exists to facilitate hope, faith, and freedom by connecting and equipping people with solutions for better living.
If you have enjoyed this study and would like to help equip and connect others to hope, faith, and freedom, visit us online to learn how your contribution can ‘Pay It Forward’.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead. 1 Peter 1:3
