ION Arizona Magazine October 2011

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 1

4

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 5

MUSTACHE RIDE

6

www.IONAZ.com

October 2011

icepics

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 7

More

PHOTOS at www.IONAZ.com

More

PHOTOS at www.IONAZ.com

10

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 11

More

PHOTOS at www.IONAZ.com

More

PHOTOS at www.IONAZ.com

Fall in Love with Arizona Again A

fter another long, hot summer, we can finally start enjoying the great outdoors. With cooler fall weather, a strong community and entertaining local events, it’s a good time to be living in Arizona.

A Better Community October is National Gay History Month and October 11th is National Coming Out Day. Both of these celebrations have more meaning now since the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” Throughout history Gays and Lesbians have fought and died in the armed forces protecting freedoms that they couldn’t even enjoy. We still have to fight for marriage equality and we must eliminate bullying.

But this month we can step back and enjoy our progress we have made.

A Better You I don’t know about you but sometimes I spend too much time working, helping our community, maintaining friendships, family and work when I forget to take care of myself. For years I couldn’t sleep at night, I was drowsy all day and gaining weight. That all changed when I met Stan from Arizona Wellness. With one affordable weekly Vitamin B-12 and B complex injection, my life has

changed drastically. I’m sleeping better, losing weight and I am alert all day.

Check out his ad on page 77.

A Better ION October is our favorite issue to create and this issue is one of our best.

Check out the “Showtime” cover feature honoring some of the classic diva movies from the past. Thanks to Celia Putty, Barbra Seville and Geo for their outstanding character portrayal which included make-up, wardrobe and even acting for this feature. A special thanks to Tom King for his incredible design talents. Also in this issue, we celebrate the Arizona State Fair with a sexy feature called “Mary, Go Round”. The other titles that didn’t make the cut were “Fairy’s Wheel” and “State Fairy”. Plus, we have anentertaining interview with the author of The Book of Kink and a lot more.

Whether you are new to Arizona, vacationing, recently relocated or a native, October is the start of something big.

Use ION for your guide to your community and the businesses that support us.

Get out, enjoy your state, your community, take care of yourself and enjoy this issue of ION Arizona.

14

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

Jack M. Tesorero Publisher

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 15

3819 North 3rd Street Ste. #26, Phoenix, AZ 85012

(602) 308-4662 • Fax (602) 271-0939 www.IONAZ.com

ionarizona@me.com

Publisher / FOUNDER Jack M. Tesorero - Ext. 5 .................. jacktesorero@me.com

CREATIVE DIRECTOR Kevin Bushaw - Ext. 4 ............................ kbushaw@me.com Editor Deon Brown - Ext. 3 .......................... ionazeditor@me.com PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Tom King ............................................ ionarizona@me.com PRODUCTION & Artwork SUBMISSIONS ionazproduction@me.com Advertising Sales Jack Tesorero Ext 2 - ionazsales@me.com ADVERTISING CONSULTANT Bill Knoop ..................................................... (602) 301-8457 Photographers:

Fernando Hernandez Jerry O’Conner Deon Brown Cover Photo by Jerry O’Conner National Advertising Representative Rivendell Media (212) 242-6863 ContributORS:

Wes Bergman Stacey Jay Cavaliere Addison DeWitt Jackson David Kelly C. Edwards

Robert Hofmann Ted Kirby Kim Ruff Paul Sanchez

Published monthly by

1995-2011: 16 Years of Design and Creative Excellence

© 2011 JMT Designs, Inc.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

PRINTED IN PHOENIX, AZ

All original artwork and photography for ION Arizona Magazine remain property of JMT Designs, Inc, and cannot be reproduced, altered, or sold without authorization and compensation. Limited usage rights can be purchased for a small fee.

NOTE: The views expressed in these articles do not necessarily reflect the views of ION Arizona, its staff, or that of its parent company.

Publication of the name or photograph of any person or organization within ION Arizona is not to be construed as any indication of the sexual orientation of such persons or organization. To our knowledge, all people photographed and published in ION Arizona are over the age of 18. Some photos were submitted by our readers. To our knowledge, they own the copyrights, and they have given us permission to reproduce them. If you see a picture that you own, please call us immediately and we will remove it from future publications.

All copy, text, display, photos, and illustrations in the ads are published with the understanding that the advertisers are fully authorized, have secured proper written consent for the use of names, pictures, and testimonials of any living person, and that ION Arizona is not responsible for unlawful use of such content.

16

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

Sources of Strength Celebration Join the talented young GLBTQ kids of 1n10 when they perform in this showcase of Music, Art & Community a youth suicide prevention campaign. Coinciding with First Friday, this outreach to the community in an empowering night of music, art and more. Local bands, a DJ, and amazing hip-hop with 1n10 Fusion Dance Team. It’s at the Downtown Civic Space Park on Central Avenue, near Fillmore Street on Friday night, October 7. FREE! For more info email Stacey Jay Cavaliere at staceyjay@1in10.org

Cocktoberfest at Dick’s You won’t find a beer garden, pretzels or hear any “oompa oompa” music. It’s better than that! It’s a a Cocktoberfest Blackout Party with the hottest men at Arizona’s only all nude male strip club, Dick’s Cabaret on October 14-15 at 3432 E. Illini St. in Phoenix. Phone: 602-274-3425

Rocky Horror Sing-A-Long “This isn’t the Junior Chamber of Commerce, Brad!” Nope. It’s a sing-a-long to midnight movie cult classic The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It’s a fundraiser for those sweet transvestites at the Phoenix Metropolitan Men’s Chorus. It’s over at the Frankenstein place—er—Memorial Hall at Steele Indian School Park at on Saturday, October 15 at 6 p.m. with contests & prizes!

Dammit, Janet, wear a costume! 300 E. Indian School Rd.

18

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

DJ Sin Morera at Amsterdam No stranger to the music industry, DJ Sin spins all over the world and worked with Natalia Kills, and Jennifer Lopez with “On the Floor,” Mariah Carey, even on Broadway. A legend in laying down dance music tracks, he’s appearing at Amsterdam on Saturday, October 22. Love music? Don’t miss this! Giveaways, cash and more!

718 N. Central Ave. Phoenix.

Halloween!

Goblins, ghosties and uglies that go “bump!” in the night! Your favorite bars and clubs around town have some spine-tingling fun parties that’ll scare the you-know-what out of you! Costume parties with prizes and more are everywhere! Check out your favorite place for a full list of parties and events in this issue.

OCTOBER 2011 ION EVENTS LISTINGS DATE EVENT Thurs. Amateur Stripper Contest Tues. Vintage Vinyl Tuesdays 2-3 Rainbows Festival/AIDS Walk 2 Diamond’s 7th Anniversary 7 Burlesque for Boobies w/ Scandalesque 7 First Fridays 8 80’s Dance Party 8 Tucson Pride Pink Party 8 Vampire Party 8 Bearracuda 14 Namoli Brennet LIVE 14-15 Cocktoberfest Blackout Party 15 Rocky Horror Sing-A-Long 15 Witch’s Ball 18 Amateur Strip Contest 19 Rocky Horror Show Night 21 Witch’s Ball 22 DJ Sin Morera 23 Exotic Male Fashion Show 25 Zombie Mustache Ride 29 Dead Celebrities Reunion 29 VMA Awards Halloween Party 29 Vampire Nightclub 30 STRUT Halloween Show 31 Costume Scary-oke 31 American Divas

LOCATION CITY BS West Scottsdale Amsterdam Phoenix Downtown Phx Karamba Phoenix The Rock Phoenix Amsterdam Phoenix Friends Phoenix 61 Congress St. Tucson BS West Scottsdale The Rock Phoenix The Rock Phoenix Dick’s Cabaret Phoenix Memorial Hall Phoenix Charlie’s Phoenix Dick’s Cabaret Phoenix Charlie’s Phoenix The Rock Phoenix Amsterdam Phoenix The Rock Phoenix icepics Phoenix Charlie’s Phoenix BS West Scottsdale Roscoe’s Phoenix icepics Phoenix The Rock Phoenix BS West Scottsdale

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 19

THE CLARENDON HOTEL

THE CLARENDON HOTEL MIDTOWN PHOENIX

20

www.IONAZ.com

October 2011

THE SUNFISH PARTY

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 21

Oktoberfest!

Mein Damen und Herren! Break out the lederhosen and dirndls! It’s Octoberfest, liebchen! Some already started in September, strangely enough. Catch one October 7-9 at Tempe Beach Park on the Town Lake, and another October 15 at Hance Park by the Phoenix Public Library. Enjoy weiner dog races, schnitzel, beer gardens and never ending Polka music. Check out TempeOktoberFest.com and PhoenixOctoberFest.com for more info! Auf widersehen!

1313 Mockingbird Lane Stop in at the Munster’s mansion for a very “Bloody” Mary! Check out the Scream House at Loop 101 & McDowell Road in Scottsdale, 480-4442590 or the Field of Screams at Tolmachoff Farms, 5726 N. 75th Ave., 623-386-1301 or the Chambers of Fear at 11340 W. Bell Road, 623-255-6896. Search to find more Fright Factories at HauntedHouse.com

Zombie Walk Sometimes you’re hungry for something and you don’t know what. Spaghetti? No. Hot dogs? No. Brains?! Yes! And downtown Phoenix is full of ‘em! Join in the scary fun for the 3rd Annual Zombie Walk. Donate a canned food item and hang out with all the friendly zombies at Heritage Square Saturday, October 29 from 2-10 p.m. with the Zombie Walk starting at 6 p.m.

OCTOBER 2011 ION around town listings DATE EVENT / LOCATION CITY

5-8 7-8 7-9 7-9 14-6 15 15 15 21-11/2 22-23 22 28-29 29 29 30 22

Phoenix Fashion Week - Talking Stick Resort Arizona Dance Festival - Tempe Center for the Arts Phx Greek Fest - Holy Trinity Cathedral Oktoberfest - Tempe Town Lake AZ State Fair - AZ Fairgrounds AZ Taco Festival - Scottsdale Waterfront Oktoberfest - Hance Park Pagan Pride Day - Glendale Community College Day of the Dead - Des. Botanical Garden Arab-American Festival - Steele Indian School Pk. Grand Ave. Festival Gem & Jewelry Show - WestWorld Downtown Zombie Walk - Heritage Square ASU Homecoming Parade - University Dr. Autumn Festival - Irish Cultural Ctr./Hance Park

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

Scottsdale Tempe Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix Glendale Phoenix Phoenix Phoenix Scottsdale Phoenix Tempe Phoenix

The

Morning After

by Robert Hofmann 24

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

You’ve been there. You wake up in the

morning, yawn a bit and then you feel it: a warm body next to you in bed and you don’t remember who he is. I say “warm” body for a reason: no matter what he looks like this morning, he’s not nearly as hot as he was last night before you got into bed. You know it. I know it. Hell, even he knows it.

Hopefully you haven’t made the mistake of bringing him back to your home.

Why? If you went to his place, you can make a hasty departure. Tell him, “I left my dog on and my oven has to be walked first thing this morning.” You can get the hell out of there in under 30 seconds. Trust me. I know. If you took him back to your place, it’s a little more difficult. “Can you leave?” or “I hate to have someone in my apartment while I’m dropping a deuce” and “I just can’t stand the sight of you” are a tad on the rude side.

I can hear some of you saying, “But sometimes we’ve got no place else to go, so I absolutely have to bring him back to my place.” Yeah, we’ve all been there. So, what do you do when that happens?

You meet a guy at the bar. He seems into you, and you’re definitely into his stunning blue eyes.

“I’m visiting my family,” he tells you, “and we can’t go back there.” If—and only if—you can’t afford a motel, then go to

your place. But when he asks to use your bathroom to take out his contacts and then returns to your boudoir with brown eyes, it’s going to be hard to hide your disappointment. Those eyes were what attracted you in the first place. It’s almost as bad as a guy stuffing his package. Well, not that bad, but still. Yeah, I’ve been there. Sue me.

And what happens when you get the guy out of the bar lights, back to your place, and you realize he’s not as cute as you thought? Here’s a tip: shove him face down into the pillow so you don’t have to look at him. Or how about the guy who extricates himself from your now-soiled bed (and if you have to ask “soiled with what?” you’re not following along here) to use the facilities and accidentally leaves his “hair” on your pillow?

How do you get rid of these guys? After you’ve 69’ed, do you offer him a gargle? A toothbrush? At least a mint? Do you offer him a good douche after—well—you know? And what if he asks to stay the night? Do you make pancakes the next morning? Here’s the rules, and there are only two:

1. If he is not what you expected (and who is, really? Okay, Taylor Lautner, but who else?) and not someone you’ll hook up with again (unless you’re really, really drunk), you get off, he gets out. Simple, clear, concise. Just make sure you’re the one who got off, though.

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 25

(continued)

There is no Listerine, no Aunt Jemima, not even a single Altoid. You give in he’ll be moving his 2xist underwear into your bedroom next weekend. You can’t have that. You’ve got new stuffed packages to look for! Make something up. Tell him you’ve got to get up early to take your mom to church. Tell him you have an early cult meeting. Tell him your lover’s coming home soon. Just get him out of there. You got off. So, lie. I’m sure you lied to get him into bed, now lie to get him out of it.

2. If he is hot, let him stay the night. Make sure you wake up before him, take a shower, fix your hair, do

26

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

whatever it takes to make yourself look presentable. Offer him anything he wants: fresh towels, your side of the bed, fresh squeezed orange juice. But when he flings his clothes back on in the morning and tells you he left his dog on and his oven has to be walked, don’t say I didn’t warn you! _ Robert Hofmann is the author of three books, Surrounded by Insanity, An Ordinary Madness, and his latest, One Brain Cell Away from Retarded. He lives in Wilton Manors, Florida, with his partner of 16 years and welcomes email from readers at robshof@aol.com.

MANHUNT PARTY

More

BS WEST

PHOTOS at www.IONAZ.com

28

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

Missing Persons Break out your Flashdance finest with your Jordache jeans, Flock of Seagulls hairdo and pretend you’re “Walking in L.A.” Join in the 80s-style fun with Missing Persons Dale Bozzio, and the sexy guitarist Warren Cuccurullo from Duran Duran and Zappa, too. It’s not a “Destination Unknown.” It’s at The Duce on Saturday, October 8. Super hip! 525 S. Central Ave. Valet parking, food and a totally rad concert! Get your tickets at www.missingpersons30yr.info

Dayglow Tour “Music is my drug.” Sounds like a rave to us, dude! Combine amazing music tracks, aerialists, performers, a top notch light show, and, of course, lots of blue paint and you’ve got Dayglow, the ultimate paint party! This world famous event happens on Saturday, October 8 at the Phoenix Convention Center on 100 N. 3rd St. Check it out at DayGlowTour.com. Visit LiveNation.com for tix or call TicketMaster at 800-745-3000. Sure to sell out!

Taylor Swift This flaxen-haired beauty took the Country Pop scene by storm, winning Billboard Magazine’s Artist of the Year. The darling successful Grammy Award winning artist dated Twilight hunk Taylor Lautner while that skunk Joe Jonas broke up with her over the phone! Don’t expect Kanye West to open for this songbird October 21-22 at the Jobing.com Arena at 9400 W. Maryland Ave. Get your tix at LiveNation.com or TicketMaster. Call 800-745-3000

OCTOBER 2011 ION Concert Calendar DATE ARTIST LOCATION

5 Incubus 8 Missing Persons 80’s Party 8 Texaco Country Showdown 8 Dayglow 9 Chris Botti 11 Il Volo 14 Evanescence 16 Foo Fighters 20 An Evening with Primus 22 Official Blues Brothers Revue 21-22 Taylor Swift 28 Gaelic Storm

Comerica Theatre The Duce Wild Horse Pass Phx Convention Center Orpheum Theatre Comerica Theatre Comerica Theatre US Airways Center Mesa Amphitheatre Chandler Ctr for the Arts Jobing.com Arena Chandler Ctr for the Arts

PHONE

602-379-2888 (above) 877-840-0457 800-745-3000 800-745-3000 602-379-2888 602-379-2888 800-745-3000 480-644-2560 480-782-2680 800-745-3000 480-782-2680

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 29

Cavalleria Rusticana & Pagliacci This operatic double-header has something for everybody! Of course, there’s love, betrayal, death and singing. Lots and lots of singing. Cavalleria Rusticana: Picture it: Sicily. The 19th century. Four lovers double-cross each other. Mayhem ensues! And in tearjerker Pagliacci remember, don’t fuck around with a lovesick clown.

You’ll be sorry! It all takes place October 7 & 9 at Symphony Hall.

225 E. Adams. For tix visit AZopera.com or call 602-266-7464

Bebe Neuwirth: Stories with Piano You may remember her as the erotically frigid, intellectual bitch Lilith on Cheers and Frazier. Or as the fabulous Roxy Hart from the musical Chicago. She comes to the Scottsdale Center for the Performing Arts on October 15 for an intimate evening of singing performing her favorite songs from her one-woman cabaret show. 7380 E. 2nd St. downtown Scottsdale.

For tickets call 480-994-ARTS

A Vampire Tale Being staged for the eighth year, this ever-evolving, dark, sexy, quirky, and visually stunning dance performance will thrill and titillate audiences with aerial feats of derring-do and sheer sexiness as only the Scorpius Dance Theatre can do it. They’ll be performing this seasonal masterpiece October 13-22 at Phoenix Theatre’s Little Theatre October 27-November 1. Find out more at ScorpiusDance.com or call 602-254-2151 for tickets.

OCTOBER 2011 ION THEATER + STANDUP DATE EVENT LOCATION 5-23 Spitfire Grill Phoenix Theatre 6-9 Heather McDonald Stand Up Live 6-11/12 Legally Blonde B’way Palm Dinner Theatre 6-30 Poe Fest Soul Invictus 7 & 9 Cavalleria Rusticana... Symphony Hall 7-23 Zoot Suit ASU Mainstage 13-22 A Vampire Tale Phoenix Theatre 13-30 AZ Sherlock Holmes AZ Theatre Co. @ Herberger 14-11/19 A Chorus Line AZ B’way Theatre 15 Bebe Neuwirth Scottsdale Ctr. for the Arts thru 16 I Love You, You’re Perfect Mesa Arts Center 21-22 Jo Koy Stand Up Live 21-11/6 Amexica Mesa Arts Center 23 Death of a Salesman Desert Stages Theatre 27-30 Brandon T. Jackson Stand Up Live 28-11/13 Next Fall Actors’ Theatre NOVEMBER 1-6 Blue Man Group ASU Gammage 30

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

PHONE 602-254-2151 480-719-6100 480-325-6700 602-214-4344 602-266-7464 480-965-6447 602-254-2151 602-256-6995 653-776-8400 480-994-ARTS 480-644-6500 480-719-6100 480-644-6500 480-483-1664 480-719-6100 602-253-6701 480-965-3434

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 31

32

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

by Jackson David Kelly jacksonkelly@cox.net

Yo, DJ! What’s New? October starts music’s fourth quarter. Expect many holiday themed and greatest hits collections as well as the industries heavy hitters from now until early December. For now, check out new stuff from Peter Gabriel, Evanescence, Mutemath, Blink 182, Leann Rimes, Scott McCreery, Feist and Kelly Clarkson.

Erasure

Tomorrow’s World

Ten albums later, this 80’s duo most known for wanting “A Little Respect” is back.

Though the album is somewhat a departure from their 128-bpm’s, it is stylistically their signature synth pop.

The opener, “Be With You,” is happy, bubbly yet a bit trite with its lyrics, but still invokes toe-tapping fun. Arguably, “What Will I Say” is this sets standout track with its mid-tempo electric pop feel and an almost drum ’n’ basslike core. “I Lose Myself” and “Just When I Thought” also give great support with their non-dancified, yet elctronified basslines.

GRADE: B-

Björk

Biophilia

If you thought Björk had been going to a direction of “insanity,” just wait ‘til you sample this collection of bleeps and chaotic harmonies. She braces the future with groundbreaking music creation (à la The Gorillaz), and uses the iPad to make music. Taking it one step further however, Björk creates the first ever music app for Apple and interfaces her fans with her music.

Lead singles “Crystalline” and “Cosmogony” just scream with innovation, yet sound alien.

However find solace in both “Moon” and “Virus” which have moments of grace and beauty amid chaos. GRADE: B-

Ryan Adams

Ashes & Fire

After a hefty break from the music scene, Ryan is back out of “boredom” and goes back to his grassroots sound that made him an instant classic. This go, he enlists Glyn Johns for production help who is best known for credits on The Beatles, The Rolling Stones and Bob Dylan releases. He also gets back up support from longtime fave, Norah Jones. Title track resounds with beauty while “Lucky Now” is back to basics. However, it’s the opener “Dirty Rain” that leads the listener to believe they are in for a journey of wonder.

GRADE: B+

Blink 182

Neighborhoods

Eight years later, Blink 182 evolve to a world of progressive pop punk. Overall, their new release is darker, more electro; but its cohesiveness shows the strength of this group’s relevance. Gone are the two-minute in-your-face caffeinated jams and born is a combination of their best in a progressive and brave forum. The opener “Ghosts” grabs your attention with fists up, while “Up All Night” provides a perfect bridge to their new sound. Arguably, “After Midnight” is the standout track here. But, for you diehard fans, find solace in “Hearts All Gone” with its drumming on steroids ode to their past.

GRADE: B

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 33

34

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

by Kimberly M. Ruff kimberlymruff@yahoo.com

Previews The Ides of March Starring: Ryan Gosling, George Clooney, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Paul Giamatti

focuses on the nasty behavior behindthe-scenes, forcing Gosling’s Stephen Meyers to decide between standing up for what he believes in, or winning.

Release Date: 10/07/2011

Footloose

2011 is the Year of Ryan Gosling and thank goodness! August brought him as the charming love interest of Emma Stone in Crazy, Stupid Love, while September had him contemporary old-schoolin’ in the action flick, Drive. Now, he takes the lead in George Clooney’s film, The Ides of March. Starring as Stephen Meyers, a dedicated press secretary working overtime to ensure his beloved candidate, Mike Morris (Clooney), wins the primary election as the Democratic candidate for President, he quickly finds himself the victim of backroom politics.

The Ides of March, which was co-written

by Clooney and Grant Heslov, is an adaptation of the Beau Willimon’s 2008 Broadway play loosely based on the 2004 Democratic primary campaign of Howard Dean, Farragut North. As some of you may remember, Dean was a long shot candidate whose open criticism of the Democratic party leadership, thenPresident Bush’s foreign policy-making and refreshing honesty helped launch a (nearly) successful grassroots campaign with the help of an energetic youthful voting bloc, until it ultimately fell apart when he wasn’t able to garner the votes necessary to secure a win. The Ides of March takes this same narrative and

Starring: Kenny Wormald, Julianne Hough, Dennis Quaid It’s very rare that a remake of a film is better than the original and the newest version of Footloose, directed

by Craig Brewer (Hustle & Flow), is no exception to this rule. Kenny Wormald takes Kevin Bacon’s classic role as Ren MacCormack, a big city transplant that moves to Bomont, a small, bible belt town that has recently outlawed dancing and loud music. Like the original, he challenges the authority of the small town, including Reverend Shaw (Quaid) and wins the heart of the Reverend’s rebellious daughter, Ariel (Hough). Outside of a more contemporary wardrobe and some dance sequences that ring closer to Dirty Dancing than Footloose, there’s very little difference between the two, which is unfortunate for the remake, because the only way it can truly differentiate itself is by a higher caliber of acting, which is a difficult feat when juxtaposed to the likes of Kevin Bacon, John Lithgow, and Dianne Wiest.

Release Date: 10/14/2011.

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 35

36

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

by Wes Bergman wesobergman@yahoo.com

A Couple O’ Showgirls Jem and the Holograms: The Truly Outrageous Complete Series Before Miley Cyrus was even born, there was Jem and the Holograms.

A syndicated cartoon that ran from 1985 – 1988, Jem and the Holograms features a premise similar to Hannah Montana: music company owner, Jerrica Benton, moonlights as Jem, her singer alterego. Complete with pink Lita Ford tresses, stage make-up and costumes that would make Lady Gaga look like a 1950s housewife in comparison, the cartoon followed the adventures of the enigmatic Jem and her band, The Holograms. For those of you unfamiliar, the entire identity of Jem and the Holograms was started to provide capital for Jerrica Benton’s companies, Starlight Music and Starlight House, a foster home for wayward girls. Using Synergy, a holographic computer, Jerrica is able to project the “Jem Hologram” on herself using a trigger in one of her earrings, allowing her to quickly assume her alter-ego while keeping her daytime identity secret. If it sounds preposterous, let me remind you it was the 1980s—a time where our Saturday morning cartoons were overrun by superheroes and fashion was at its most outrageous. Still, for all its cheesiness, there’s something strangely alluring about the idea of Jem: button-down do-gooder by day and hardcore, sexy rocker

by night. Thanks to Shout! Factory, you can catch the entire delicious 11-disc affair on DVD, complete with delightful bonus material, including documentary featurettes “Showtime, Synergy! The Truly Outrageous Creation of an ‘80s Icon” “Glamour & Glitter,” and “Jem Girls (and Boys!) Remember,” as well as original commercials and animatics. Available Oct. 11 through ShoutFactory.com

Bette Midler: The Showgirl Must Go On Starring: The Divine Miss M In 2008, Bette Midler, embarked on an ambitious Vegas engagement entitled, The Showgirl Must Go On. 63-years-old when the show opened, she signed on for 100 performances a year, five nights a week through January, 2010.

Infamous for a bawdy sense of humor and a set of pipes that make Ethel Merman sound like a pipsqueak, The Showgirl Must Go On did not disappoint her audiences. If you were unable to catch her act while it was still on stage, you can now watch 70-minutes of highlights from her two-hour long show on DVD. Though not nearly as outrageous as some of her previous shows, it still captures some of the spark and pizzazz of her performances.

One word of warning: though the orchestra sounds incredible on the DVD, it frequently makes her own vocals difficult to pick out, drowning out the the Divine Miss M. It’s still worth a viewing, especially if you’ve yet to see what all the fuss is about. It definitely gives new meaning to the phrase: I guess you had to be there. Available through Image Entertainment.

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 37

of

by Deon Brown

38

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

Model - Photographer Rob Ordonez www.RobertOrdonez.YolaSite.com

The Book

Kink

R

ick James sang about a very kinky girl in “SuperFreak” (the kind you don’t take home to mother). Three-ways in Chinatown. Incense, wine and candles.

It’s such a freaky scene. Really? That’s kinky? Sexy is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.

Emetophilia, flatulophilia, yeastiality (doing it with a loaf of bread) ... the list of “-ilias” and “-isms” and “-alities” goes on and on. Do you want really freaky?

In The Book of Kink: Sex Beyond the Missionary, author Eva Christina, a writer for NBC’s Law & Order: Special Victim’s Unit, examines this taboo subject in a fascinating, rollicking, sometimes shocking and always informative, fascinating and entertaining look about what happens behind closed doors. Or outdoors. Or treetops. You never know.

ION: What inspired you to write a book about kinky sex?

Eva Christina: Awhile back the news was inundated with TV shows and movies based on vampires: True Blood, Vampire Diaries and Twilight. I realized that a huge part of their appeal is the kinky sex that nearly always accompanies vampires getting horny. Blood, biting, sexual encounters. I had also noticed that kinky “escapades” were becoming part of the norm. There are stripper pole classes for women who are not strippers. Things like

“vajazzling”—gluing jewelry in your female region—were becoming trendy.

What people consider kinky around the world is different from country to country.

Our world is fascinated with sex, the exploitation of it for monetary reasons, the restriction of it for religious decrees, and the skewing of it for an out-of-the-box approach to revitalizing relationships, marriages and casual encounters.

As a writer for Law & Order: Special Victims Unit you must have had plenty to draw from.

EC: I definitely did learn about what’s out there in the world of kinky sex.

Unfortunately, it was also a reminder that sometimes playing sexually outside the box can have dire consequences. It’s very important for people to always go by the rule: “Safe, sane and consensual.” That’s upheld in many BDSM communities since people are aware of the risks that people sometimes take.

ION: Does every culture have “kinky sex”? Say, the Amish. What’s kinky?

Sex in cars?

EC: Yes, but kinky sex is relative. What’s one person’s sexual activity on a nightly basis is another person’s shock and horror. While it might be totally normal to buy girl’s soiled underwear in vending machines in Japan, it would be surprising to find that here in the U.S. October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 39

(continued)

There are cultures that engage in the most rudimentary of sex activities because they’re mandated by their religion. Some religions don’t even allow holding hands or kissing in public. Think about it. A kiss can be kinky. A kiss might mean absolutely nothing to the BDSM community.

But imagine how a Muslim husband and wife might look at each other after “breaking the rules” during a walk in the park earlier that day.

Regarding the Amish, you might think they’re featureless in the bedroom, but I defy you to include a bonnet and an Amish straw hat during sex and tell me you don’t feel kinky.

ION: Why is “kinky sex” still taboo?

EC: Kinkiness shows a whole other side to a person you wouldn’t expect. Would you want to know that your financial planner is hanging people upside down and licking their stomachs for sexual gratification only hours after he’s steered you into investing into a mutual fund?

Maybe you would. But that financial planner isn’t going to write about his 40

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

private life in your investment portfolio notation page. Would you want to know that your kid’s kindergarten teacher likes to cross-dress? Would you want to know your dog walker is into feet? For a lot of people, they probably don’t want to know those things since it would change their perspective about that person drastically, and vice versa.

People make a choice to come out fully about their kink or keep it to themselves and only let a limited number of people to know about it—usually those people are the ones reciprocating.

People judge. They always have and always will. Even if they judge from a glass house.

ION: Are Gay men and Lesbian women more or less kinky than our Straight counterparts?

EC: Everyone has their own kink. Straight or Gay, someone is into something that’s kinky. I do know that there are Straight people who find the blowjob or anal sex kinky. For the most part it’d be hard to find a Gay male who thinks that. At the same time, it may be some Straight people’s “kink” to sleep with someone of the same sex on occasion. Or it might be a Gay person’s “kink” to sleep with someone of the opposite sex on occasion.

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 41

Photos by David Gardner. Costume by Desiato Khan Models: Pyrrha Sutra & Ken McGhee. Courtesy Scandalesque.com

A stylized example of Pony Play.

42

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

St. Sebastian by Perugino. Artistic Embellishments by Tom King

St. Sebastian, Martyr & Homo-erotic Kink Icon.

ION: What’s the “funniest” kink out there?

EC: There are so many. There are the “Furries,” people who get dressed as their animal of choice and love to have sex like that. There are Furry conventions popping up that take place in all sorts of places— like in trees! There’s the armpit hair kink and there was even an armpit hair club in Japan. Men would come in and pull at a model’s armpit hair, caress it, shave it, smell it, pluck it out one by one. The balloon fetish—or “Looner”—is blowing up in popularity, where people just like to sit on balloons, pop them or touch them.

There’s Infantilism, where people love to be treated like a baby, even swaddled in diapers, fed and sucking on a woman’s nipple. There’s objectophilia, where people are sexually attracted to inanimate objects. One woman fell in love with the Eiffel Tower and “married” it. One guy was caught having sex with a vacuum cleaner.

He had even drawn a smiley face on the hose.

But again, some of these kinks that I might think as funny could be very much part of a person’s life and I am not making fun of them. It’s always good to live life with a little bit of humor though.

Bottom line: it seems as though if it exists, someone’s got a kink for it.

ION: The “kinky” bar keeps getting set higher and higher. Why? EC: Pop culture has a lot to do with it.

Kinky ground-breakers like Madonna and the “anonymous” internet have a lot to do with it. Because of the internet, kinky people are realizing they are not alone, are able to connect with likeminded people and be more open about it. There’s a website called Fetlife.com

which is basically Match.com for kinky people. There’s Kink.com, which has a huge following and plenty of kinkiness to watch.

Not only that, porn, the purveyor of kink, is also pushing boundaries. Now that people can get their hands on porn anywhere, anytime, they want to see more. After they get past that initial blowjob, they’re not shocked anymore and want more. The BJ becomes boring and they want to see someone tied up. Soon they want to see someone pee on someone else, and it continues on and on, boundaries being pushed and pushed further and further back.

In an extreme example, there was a German man whose fetish was to eat another human being. He eventually located that unique person whose “goal” was to be eaten. He died being eaten by the former man, fulfilling his kink to the bitter end.

ION: The Marquis de Sade. Mae West.

Madonna. Prince. Pee Wee Herman.

Who’ll emerge next in the Pantheon of Kink?

EC: Well, you have to mention Lady Gaga. She’s already emerged as a kink idol for sure. As to predicting who will be the next kink idol, that remains to be seen! But whoever it is better have a shocker because it’s not enough anymore to simply strap on a cone-bra and kiss another woman onstage. _ The Book of Kink: Sex Beyond the Missionary is published by Perigree.

Quality paperback, 272 pages, $14.

Available on Amazon.com or check out The Book of Kink’s Facebook page for updates about the book and other nuggets of information.

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 43

44

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 45

46

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

Miss Phoenix Gay Pride Prelims “If a girl isn’t pretty, like a Miss Atlantic City ...” You want pretty girls? We got pretty girls. And good lookin’ boys. Well, just don’t look too closely. The preliminaries start this month and continue through the Fall and into the Winter for the contestants who’ll vie for the crown of the next Miss & Mister Phoenix Gay Pride 2012 contest! Support your favorite! For a full list of prelims check out PhoenixPride.org

OCTOBER 2011 ION DRAG LISTINGS DATE

TIME LOCATION SHOW / PERFORMER(S)

Sun 2 7pm Sun 2 8:00pm Mon 3 7:00pm Sun 9 8:00pm Sun 9 6:00pm Tues 11 Wes 12 Thurs 13 9:00pm Sun 16 7:00pm Sun 16 8:00pm Fri 21 10:00pm Sun 23 8:00pm Fri 28 10:00pm Fri 28 10pm Sat 29 9:00pm Sun 30 8:00pm Sun 30 8:30 Mon 31 6:30pm

Mondays 9:30pm Tuesdays 8:00pm Tuesdays 8:00pm Tuesdays 10:30pm Wednesdays 10:30pm Wednesdays 9:00pm Wednesdays 10:30pm Wednesdays 10:00pm Thursdays 10:30pm Fridays 10:00pm Fridays 10:00pm Fridays 10:30pm Fridays 9:00pm Saturdays 10:30p Saturdays 10:00pm Saturdays 10:00pm Saturdays 9:30pm 1st & 3rd Sundays 12:30pm Sundays 8:30pm Sundays 10:30pm

The Rock Apollo’s BS West Apollo’s BS West Amsterdam Charlie’s The Rock The Rock Apollo’s The Rock Apollo’s BS West The Rock BS West Apollo’s icepics BS West

The Rainbow Party ft. Yara Sofia Afeelya’s House of Bunz “Bloodbath” with Coco St. James and Kira Daniels MEN OF STRUT Miss BS West Pageant: Ho’Down Throwdown (Phx Pride Prelim) Miss Amsterdam (Mister/Miss Phx Pride Prelim) Miss Charlie’s Phoenix (Mister/Miss Phx Pride Prelim) Glamazon with T.C., Saellah, Faleasha, and Candi Divas a la Mode w/ Victoria Bacon & Friends TBA Lady Christian’s Witches Ball w/ GCSoPI The Cougar Cabaret A very special ELEMENTS SHOW with Wendy HO Pandora’s Halloween Spooktacular The BS WEST HALLOWEEN SHOW: the BS VMAs Barbra Seville’s That Time of The Month ft. Wendy Ho MEN OF STRUT DIVA’s LIVE - Vegas style celebrity impersonation.

Apollo’s BS West Cruisin’ 7th Karamba Karamba The Rock Cruisin’ 7th Charlie’s Karamba The Rock Friends Cruisin’ 7th BS West Cruisin’ 7th The Rock icepics Charlie’s Cruisin’ 7th Charlie’s Karamba

Naughty or Nice Drag Bingo with Eryka Knowles & Lesbian Stars of Tomorrow with Kendra St. James The Stage is Yours with Mia Inez Adams (sign up by 7:30) Salsa Tuesdays with Savannah Moussier Barbra Seville Open Wide Wednesdays w/ Victoria, Felicia, & Celia Steppin’ Out with TC Claudia B. & Company Tejano Thursdays with Ruby Reynolds Pandemonium feat. the AZ Gender Outlaws Freaky Fridays with Celia Putty Devina’s TGIF Elements 7 Deadly Sins - followed by Mandi BoomBoom Host Mia Inez Adams The Barbra Seville Show The Chane Jordan Show Pussy’s Patio Show Sunday Morning Madness with New Cast Member Dottie!

Pussy LeHoot & Friends Diamond’s Show October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 47

48

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

I

t’s no secret that ex-Governor-turnedshyster, Fife Symington’s white elephant, The Esplanade, is a ghost town. Cold Stone Creamery—gone. Nixons—long gone. 7th Heaven—gone. Houston’s—gone. Well, masquerading as the chi-chi Hillstone down the street. Merc Bar—once the toast of the town, is yesterday’s news. The briefly closed AMC Theatres rebounded with a new “dinner and a show” concept. The Esplanade was supposed to be the work/playground of the Biltmore’s hoity-toity back in the day. Sadly, with a slumping economy and a rat’s maze for a parking garage discouraging even the most valiant of playboys, most tenants have gone the way of the dodo.

Still, there’s room for the Pollyanna, always looking on the bright side.

Enter Fuego Tacos who set up shop this past January in a small-ishly intimate bi-level bistro. This novel, pocket-size taqueria is the baby of Jeff Ward, the ebullient and enthusiastic restaurateur behind the wildly successful (and delicious) Fuego Bistro on 7th Street (behind Apollo’s), after several previous (and failed) incarnations.

Miraculously, it took off.

Fuego Tacos rolls with roasted pork, ham, Swiss cheese, (a little too much) Dijon mustard, dill pickle and comes served with sweet potato fries with a ranch dressing, for only $10.

A very generously portioned Blackened Tilapia Caesar Salad with Romaine, tortilla strips, Oaxaco cheese, black bean & corn salso with a roasted poblano caesar dressing for only $10. The tilapia was succulent, though a little heavy on the salt.

Ease up a bit! Our kidneys will thank you!

A “must” is the fabulous Chipotle Cream Corn, served warm in a saucer, it’s the house specialty with sweet white corn, butter, cream & chipotle. And let me say “¡esplendído!” At only $3, order two or three. A great accompaniment to their inhouse-made tortillas and amazing (and very spicy!) salsa.

Eight signature entrées populate the menu. The Pernil Asado is

Can Fuego make a silk purse out of this multimillion-dollar-sow’s-ear?

The menu is clean, tidy, and all-in-all, quite nice.

The Cubano Sliders sport three luscious miniOctober 2011 www.IONAZ.com 49

(continued)

the house specialty of marinated, roasted pork shoulder that’s slow-cooked for hours. Served with a mango chile salsa, and a particularly delicious, sweet, sugar-cured red cabbage, it’s served as two corn tacos, house made Pico de Gallo with Oaxacan cheese blend. It’s won awards with AZ Central and Phoenix Magazine, as a matter of fact. These baby’s are only $10.

A few more beef dishes, like Short Rib Barbacoa, Carne Asada, along with shrimp, chicken, and a Spicy Vegetarian dish. Each are served as tacos or burritos, and nothing is over $11.

Join in the Happy Hour fun: each single taco is only $3, or choose Empanadas, Pork or Short Rib Sliders, Nachos along with the requisite Margaritas, Sangria, draft of bottled

50

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

beer or their signature drinks. The aptly named Honey Badger Margarita—”it don’t care.” It’s a tough one to love, combining tequila with Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey liqueur and all the other trappings of a margarita.

The service, bartenders and general ambience of Fuego Tacos is spot on—even though I’m not a big fan of a TV installed in restaurants. Especially on a sports channel.

All in all, if anything can help breath a little life into The Esplanade, it’s Fuego Tacos.

And in these tough times, even the kids at Charles Schwab need a deal.

2501 E. Camelback Rd. 602-441-5728 FuegoTaco.com

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 51

52

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

BLISS FRIDAYS

More

BLISS/REBAR

PHOTOS at www.IONAZ.com

54

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

Photography by Jerry O’Conner | Art by Tom King and Kevin Bushaw

“C

urtain up! Light the lights! We’ve got nothin’ to hit but the heights! Startin’ here! Starting now!

Honey, everything’s comin’ up roses ...” The legendary, multi-titled Blonde One, Barbra Seville and

Miss Gay Arizona America 2011 Celia Putty, with some help from Geo, Mr. Gay Wild West 2011 recreate movie magic. Because underneath the phony Tinsel of Hollywood, you’ll find the real tinsel.

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 55

56

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

Mommie Dearest “This floor is NOT CLEAN!” Joan Crawford shows us the parenting skills that made her Mother of the Year in this cult classic.

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 57

58

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

Steel Magnolias “Shelby, drink yer juice!” Never let your own personal tradgedies get in the way of doin’ good hair.

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 59

60

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

Grey Gardens Big Edie and Little Edie live it up at their fabulous mansion in the Hamptons with a menagerie of cats and raccoons.

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 61

EQUALITY ARIZONA

More

BILT MORE RESORT

PHOTOS at www.IONAZ.com

Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?

“You can’t have your lunch until you’ve eaten your din-din.”

Sister Act Baby Jane and Blanche Hudson share a special moment. Classic Hag Horror at its finest.

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 63

64

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

Thelma & Louise “You said you ‘n’ me was gonna get out of town and for once just really let our hair down. Well darlin, look out ‘cuz my hair is comin’ down!”

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 65

the end

66

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

68

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

ES and Addicted Brands available at TU Collection by Tan United.

4700 N. Central Ave. Ste. 114, Phoenix

602-274-TANU October 2011

www.IONAZ.com 69

Meet me at the Fair!

Where else can you play Whack-A-Mole, see prize winning Appenzeller Chickens, loopde-loop on over 75 rides on the midway—have you ever made out at the top of the Ferris Wheel? It’s hot!—and eat snacks served “on-a-stick” at any of the 110 food booths? The Arizona State Fair started in 1884 as a “Territory Fair” and it’s now one of the top five state fairs in the country. More than a million visitors are drawn to this attraction yearly. It runs from October 14-November 6 this year.

And did you want entertainment? Catch show biz greats in the Veteran’s Memorial Coliseum.

General admission seating is FREE with Fair admission on a first come, first served basis.

Reserved seats are available through TicketMaster.com. Separate Fair admission is required.

Arizona STATE FAIR CONCERT SCHEDULE DATE EVENT / LOCATION

Sat. 10/15 Sun. 10/16 Wed. 10/19 Thur. 10/20 Fri. 10/21 Sat. 10/22 Sun. 10/23 Wed. 10/26 Thur. 10/27 Fri. 10/28 Sat. 10/29 Sun. 10/30 Thur. 11/3 Fri. 11/4 Sat. 11/5 Fri. 11/5

Trace Adkins - $20 Billy Idol - $15 The Band Perry - $15 Snoop Dogg - $20 Judas Priest - $20 An Afternoon with the Wallace & Ladmo Show Gavin DeGraw & David Cook - $15 3 Doors Down - $20 Darius Rucker - $15 Bret Michaels “Get Your Rock On” Tour - $15 Los Temerarios - $15 Arizona Derby Dames - FREE with fair admission Sublime with Rome - $20 Old School Jam - $15 Big Time Rush - $20 Old School Jam w/ Tone Loc, Lisa Lisa + - $15

Take advantage of the great deals and discounts!

Get an Adult Season Pass for 18 days for $18.

You can get this until October 23. Check out other amazing deals like Unlimited Ride wristbands online at AZstatefair.com. You can use the free “Park & Ride Shuttle” at the State Capitol or $5 parking at the 20th Ave. parking lot. The Fair is closed Mondays and Tuesdays.The Arizona State Fair! What a deal!

All this and Funnel Cake, too! At the same place, at the same time!

See you there!

70

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

TIME

7:00 p.m 7:00 p.m.

7:00 p.m.

7:00 p.m.

7:00 p.m.

4:00 p.m.

6:00 p.m.

7:00 p.m.

7:00 p.m.

7:00 p.m.

7:00 p.m.

5:00 p.m.

7:00 p.m.

8:00 p.m.

7:00 p.m.

8:00 p.m.

ES and Addicted available at TU Collection

by Tan United.

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 71

72

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 73

ES and Addicted available at TU Collection

by Tan United.

74

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 77

ES and Addicted available at TU Collection

by Tan United.

78

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 79

80

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 81

OUTRAGEOUS! PetSmart Offers Post-Halloween Werewolf Adoption

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

PHOENIX, AZ — Corporate executives at PetSmart headquarters in the West Valley announced their new “AdoptA-Werewolf” program they are ANY RESEMBLANCE spearheading this Halloween season.

year officials anticipate plenty of werewolves on the market, especially as Halloween approaches.

TO THE TRUTH IS

That’s why PetSmart is with TRAGICALLYpartnering ACCIDENTAL Werewolf Rescue Society of Arizona.

“People need “With all the to understand: foreclosures and this time of pet overpopulation year people see we’re concerned werewolves and that all these say, ‘Look! Look! werewolves will He’s so cute! He’d be abandoned be perfect for after Halloween,” little Johnny! He’s said one WRSA always wanted official. “Who one!’RESEMBLANCE The kids wants a werewolf ANY TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL ANY RESEMBLANCE TOhim, THE IS TRAGICALLY promise to take care of him, feed batheTRUTH at Thanksgiving or Christmas?ACCIDENTAL Once they’re him and—boom!—one full moon later, a fully grown and not puppies anymore couple of maulings in the neighborhood, nobody wants ‘em.” and suddenly the ‘funny’ wears off,” reports one PetSmart executive commented. Werewolf adoption begins on Tuesday, “Werewolves look cute and cuddly ‘til they November 1 at participating PetSmart go on a rampage, eating cats, neighbors and locations. grandmas.”

Owners are encouraged to buy their With the next two full moons scheduled werewolves from reputable breeders and not for October 12 and November 10 this from werewolf mills.

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS October TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL 2011 www.IONAZ.com 83

84

www.IONAZ.com October 2011

OUTRAGEOUS!

YouTube Has-Been Living OUTRAGEOUS! in Squalor

OUTRAGEOUS!

OLIVE the hilarious twoBRANCH, minute video Miss.— Peggy where Hardaway Anne Hardaway, bites a Rottweiler a pudgy, during a family ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLYpicnic.

ACCIDENTAL 40-something housewife who wears polyester “I tried biting was the toast of Chihuahuas, the world wide Cocker Spaniels, web last month. even a few Today, Peggy mongrels, hoping Anne’s glory to recapture that days are behind moment. Maybe her. She lives even get a TV in a cardboard series,” Hardaway refrigerator box behind a convenience said. “I’ve even tried biting cats.” store remembering the day when she was a YouTube hit.

Mayor Bud “Meatball” Birch issued a ANY TRUTH IS IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL ANYRESEMBLANCE RESEMBLANCETO TOTHE THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL statement saying, “Peggy Anne is a public “I was the famous ‘Lady Bites Dog’ nuisance. She had a good job as a checker woman. I was big! Hundreds of thousands at my Jack ‘n’ Jill SuperStop and now she’s of people watched the video where I bit a running around town with a video camera Rottweiler. I was the number one YouTube biting cats and dogs. Goddammit, yesterday video for two weeks. I thought this was she bit my wife’s Poodle, Trixie. Just stop gonna be my ticket outta this catbox it, Peggy!” shithole of a town,” said Hardaway as she munched on a stale Ho-Ho. Hardaway plans on returning back to work next week unless she can get on Late Night Thousands of Facebook subscribers posted with David Letterman.

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

OUTRAGEOUS!

Nancy’s Fall From Grace OUTRAGEOUS!

HOLLYWOOD — As the highly touted legal eagle and überconservative right wing commentator for Court TV and vitriolic commentator of her own show on CNN, ANY RESEMBLANCE 51-year-old Nancy Grace pulled out her own dueling banjos in the foxiest Fox Trot ever seen on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars.

Manager Mersaydeze Binge said, “Her name here was Chaztitty Beltz. And she knocked it outta the park when she out the ol’ TRAGICALLYhauled ACCIDENTAL Pointer Sisters and went to town. Her favorite song was ‘Mama’s Gotta Squeezebox.’”

OUTRAGEOUS! TO THE TRUTH IS

Former co-worker Titzy Hindenburg remembers Grace fondly.

OUTRAGEOUS! OUTRAGEOUS!

Nancy’s sweater puppies weren’t the only thing “exposed” on this popular prime “She used to love time TV competition. ‘motorboating’ the Our intrepid reporters customers.

Christ, ANY RESEMBLANCE TOTO THE TRUTH IS IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL ANY RESEMBLANCE THE TRUTH TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL “reveal” that Grace is those boys would no stranger to dancing. She didn’t always stuff their little peanut heads between those dance with partner Tristan MacManus. It windjammers and she’d sound like like an used to be a brass pole.

Evinrude,” Titzy reminisced. “But she had a real good weave.”

The high-riding judge-jury-and-hangman of cable TV news was a stripper at Miss Look forward Grace’s broadcast show called Choo-Choo’s Spank Bank (“Featuring 50 “Cantaloupe Caution: These Melons are Beautiful Girls and Three Ugly Ones”) Dangerous!” on CNN and at the Boobie located just off of Atlanta’s Beaver Ruin Bungalow next week.

Road, near CNN studio headquarters.

OUTRAGEOUS!

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO2011 THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL 86 www.IONAZ.com October

Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

Unfair and unbalanced. We decide.

ANY RESEMBLANCE TO THE TRUTH IS TRAGICALLY ACCIDENTAL

88

www.IONAZ.com

October 2011

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 89

90

www.IONAZ.com September 2011

IONPHOENIX 1.

Amsterdam

718 N. Central Ave. - Downtown PHX (602) 258-6122

2.

2303 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 956-2885

3.

Anvil

Apollo’s

5749 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 277-9373

4.

Bar 1

3702 N. 16th St. - Phoenix

(602) 266-9001

5.

Bliss / Rebar

901 N. 4th St. - Phoenix

(602) 795-1792

6.

BS West

7125 E. 5th Ave. - Scottsdale

(480) 945-9028

7.

Bunkhouse

4428 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 200-9154

8.

Cash Inn

2140 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 244-9943

9.

Charlie’s

727 W. Camelback Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 265-0224

10. Club Sutra

2424 E. Thomas Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 682-5088

11. Cruisin’ 7th

12. Dick’s Cabaret

3702 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 212-9888

3432 E. Illini Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 274-DICK

13. FLEX Men’s Club

1517 S Black Canyon Hwy - Phoenix

(602) 271-9011

14. Friends

1028 E. Indian School Rd. - Phoenix (602) 277-7729

15. icepics videobar

3108 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 267-8707

16. Karamba

1724 E. McDowell Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 254-0231

17. Kobalt

3110 N. Central Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 264-5307

18. Lush Lounge

2050 N. Alma School - Chandler

(480) 857-9444

19. OZ

1804 W. Bethany Home Rd. - Phoenix (602) 242-5114

20. Plazma

1560 E. Osborn Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 266-0477

21. Rainbow Cactus

15615 N. Cave Creek Rd. - Phoenix

(602) 971-1086

22. The Rock

23. Roscoe’s

4129 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

(602) 248-8559

4531 N. 7th St. - Phoenix

(602) 285-0833

24. Nu Towne

Coming Soon!

25. Z Girl Club

4301 N. 7th Ave. - Phoenix

Recommended

(602) 265-3233

September 2011 www.IONAZ.com 91

IONBAR GUIDE PHOENIX

FRIDAY

SATURDAY

SUNDAY

One Woman Show Kiki Vermont $3 Smirnoff Cocktails

Karaoke 1/2 OFF for Arts & Industry

Amsterdam

Signature Night

Apollo’s

2-4-1 well & dom. 4pm-Close

$5 red cup/50¢ refills 10a-10p Karaoke 9pm

$5 red cup/50¢ refills 10a-10p Male Strippers 10:30pm

Bar 1

Friday Happy Hour 4-7p 10a-4p $2 well/ bud draft

Saturday $2 dom bottle 6-9p 10a-4p $2 well/ bud draft

$2 Brown Bagged Beer 10a-4p $2 well/ bud draft

Happier Hour 3-6:30p 2-4-1well $5 martinis-$3 all beer & h wine

Brunch 10am-2pm $4 Bloody $3 glass or $10 mimosas pitch

Sunday Chill 2-7pm 2-4-1 alcohol / $10 bucket beer

BS West

The Elements Show 10pm Dance Party $5 u-call-it Drinks

2-4-1 everything all night Go-go Boyz / Extended Patio

FUN Raiser 7pm Karaoke 9:30pm $2 Draft / $3 Marys & Screws

Charlie’s

$3 pitchers/2-4-1 well/dom 2-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

$3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 12-7p $1 Happy Hour 7-9p/Afterhours

Volleyball 4-7pm, NEW 3-4-1 $3 Long Islands, $3 pitchers

Cruisn’ 7th

TGIF - Devina 10:30 pm

AZ Leathermen Strippers 4:3 New Show Hostess Mia Adams

Morning Madness 1st & 3rd Sun $3 Svedka cocktails 7p-close

Dick’s Cabaret

2-4-1 VIP Dances 7pm ‘til 9pm

Off the Hook Tons of Prizes & Giveaways

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances & VIP Wristbands

$3 Pomegranate Presses Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$3 Bottle Beer & Tequila Shot Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$3 Brunch Drinks 50% off bottles of wine

R Bliss / ReBAR

R FEZ

Sunday Brunch $10 10am-2pm

Friends

FREE Hot Appetizer Bufet 5-8pm

icepics

MEAT - Hot Go Go Dancers $2.50 dom / $3 well / $4 Lg Isl.

The Chane Jordan Show! $4 SKYY cocktails 10pm

Show Tunes Sundays 2pm-8pm 2-4-1 drinks

Karamba

Vaquero Fridays 9pm-11pm Reverse Happy Hour $2 drinks

Top 40 Saturdays 9pm-11pm Reverse Happy Hour $2 drinks

Top 40 Sundays Diamond Show $3 Pitcher Beer Bust

Roscoe’s 10:00p- 1:00a

Cruisin’ 7th | Plazma 4:30p - 7:00p | 10:30p - 1:30p

The Leathermen

Apollo’s 4:00p- 6:00p

R Maizie’s

Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Happy Hour Brunch 9a-2p 3-6pm Everyday

Brunch All Day Closes at 4pm

R Mi Patio

Fridays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Saturdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Sundays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm- Open 2-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm-Open 11-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm-Open 11-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

R Roscoe’s*

The Leathermen!

Great Happy Hour

Happy Hour 10am-7pm Free Darts All afternoon

Make your Bloody Mary Bar $8 Lg Isnd Pitch. $3 Beer Pitch.

R Switch

Fri: $3 House Margaritas Open from 11am-Midnight

Sat: $3 House Cosmo Martini Open from 10am-Midnight

$3 Sweet Tea Vodka Lemonade $3 Breakfast Carafes Open @ 10

R Ticoz

Fridays 1/2 off Coronas all day Happy Hour 3-6:30pm

Saturday 1/2 off well vodka Brunch 10a-3p - HH 3-6:30p

Sundays 1/2 off Sangria Pitch Brunch 10a-3p - HH 3-6:30

The Rock

R

92

FULL MENU

* LIMITED MENU/TIMES

www.IONAZ.com September 2011

FREE PROJECT HARD HAT CONDOMS

MONDAY

TUESDAY

WEDNESDAY

THURSDAY

Martini Mondays $5 Martinis

Vintage Vinyl Tuesdays Retro Afeelya Bunz 1/2 Price Drinks

$1 Beer Wednesdays $1 Domestic Beer

Show Night: Kik Vermont $3 Smirnoff & $3 All Beers

Drag Bingo 9:30 2 for 1 u-call-it all day/night

Live Cabaret Show 8 pm $2 off any martini

Big Gay Game Challenge 7:30 Happy Hour All day / All night

Karaoke 9:30pm

Monday $5 Martinis

KAROKE $2.50 wel, dom 10a-4p $2 well/ bud draft

$1 OFF in your undies/leather 10a-4p $2 well/ bud draft

Thursday 2-4-1 U Call It 10a- cl 10a-4p $2 well/ bud draft

Student Salvation Mondays $20 Plate of apps + bottle wine

Twofer Tuesdays $20 2 burgers/fries/2 dom beer

2-4-1 Wednesdays 9pm-close 2-4-1 on ALL drinks

Thirstday Thursdays $4 AMF, Lng Islnd/ Skinny drink

Anything Goes Mondays 9pm $1 Draft / $3 Well / $4 Bomber

Stars of Tomorrow Show $1 Off Beer/$2 Off Call/$5 Well

2-4-1 All Day and All Night A valley tradion!

Amateur Strip Night w/ Mandi $1 Shots / $2 Draft / $3 Well

Underwear Party 8-cl 2-4-1 2-8pm $3 pitch. 2-4-1 well/dom

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 8p-Close 2-4-1 cocktails/dom

2-8p $3 pitch./2-4-1 well/dom 8p-close $3 Three Olives

2-4-1 All Day! Cocktails and beer

Karaoke 9pm

Steppin’ Out TC Taylor hosts 10:30 pm - $2 domestic

AZ Leathermen Strippers 10:30 pm

2-4-1 Cover Charge, Dances, VIP Wristbands

Amateur Night Starts at 10pm

Wacky Wednesdays $5 Cover and almost everything else

Stripper Karaoke

$3 Burgers $ Margaritas Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

‘tini Tuesdays $3 Martinis Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$20 Any Bottle of Wine Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

$3 G Spots Happy Hour Everyday 4-6:30 p

Martini Club $5 Pinnacle Marti.

Get your Club Card, 10th is 25¢

2-4-1 Thursday Well & Domestic Plus different top shelf selections

Monday Night Karaoke 9p-1a $4 Pinnacle Cocktails 9p-close FREE Poker Tournament 7pm and 10pm

GLEE starting at 7pm 2-4-1 drinks during the show

Karaoke starting at 9pm $3 well/$2.50 dom./$4 martinis

2-4-1 in undies beer/well 9p-cl $3 Three Olives Thursdays

Karaoke Mondays DJ Ramon $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

Salsa Tuesday Savannah Show $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

Top 40 Wed. Barbra Seville $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

TEJANO Ruby Show $2 drinks & $3 Pitch. Beer Bust

The Leathermen appear at Apollo’s Roscoe’s, Cruisin’ 7th and Plazma!

Cruisin’ 7th 10:30p - 12:30p

$4 Bistro Burgers 4-10pm $10 off of all Bottled Wines

Pizza/Wine Special Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

BBQ Short Ribs Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

$3 Mexican Beers Happy Hour 3-6pm Everyday

Mondays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Tuesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Wednesdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Thursdays $1.25 Margaritas on the rocks

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm- Open 2-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm- Open 2-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm- Open 2-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Happy Hour ‘til 8pm- Open 2-2 $4.50 Stoli drinks ALL DAY!

Monday Pool Tournament 2-4-1 beer & well 7pm-close

2 for Tuesdays 2-4-1 drinks all day

Wednesday All Day Happy Hour

Thursdays 2-4-1 7pm

Mon: $3 House Chard and Cab Open from 11am-Midnight

Tue: $3 Drunken Italian Sodas Open from 11am-Midnight

Wed: $3 Sangrias Open from 11am-Midnight

Thur: $3 Caipirinhas Open from 11am-Midnight

Mondays 1/2 off Mojitos HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Tuesdays 1/2 off Sangrias HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Wednesdays 1/2 off Margaritas HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

Thursdays 1/2 off draft beer HH 3-6:30pm - Open 11am-Mid

ION ARIZONA

September 2011 www.IONAZ.com 93

by Addison DeWitt

T

he pantsoff antics from long ago at the no-hold-barred Padlock are but an stinky armpitscented memory for many. As I foretold years ago the plot of land is now Panda Express. Ask them if they still serve Cum of Sum Yung Gai like the last place did and see what they do. Better yet, ask for a Pu-Pu Platter. I’ll tell you one thing, they don’t come with an eggroll!

Everything old is new again. Speaking of “new,” I hear that the venerable NuTowne Saloon is slated to reopen after the devastating fire, under original ownership.

I can’t wait for their Grand (Re)Opening!

I sure it’ll be a real barnburner! (Oh no I didn’t! Oh yes! I did!) It’ll be nice to see Daddy Ron again. We’ll keep you posted.

If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that I’m a philanthropist. Well, some people call me an asshole, too, but I prefer to be thought of as a good-deeddoer. With a magazine column, mind you.

This year’s thrilling Equality Arizona Gala at the hoity-toity Biltmore found me rubbing elbows with my gorgeous Lieutenant Steve May, the original DADT Poster Hunk. Oh, if he only knew the things I’d like to tell him he would’ve been court-martialed years ago, honey! I’d hire handsome lawyer Tyler Allen to defend my honor. What’s left of it, anyway.

One of the big scores included sixcourse Italian dinner with wine pairings prepared for eight by Il Tocco chef and Florentine culinary scampi scamp,

Gabrielle Bertaccini. He (and his talent!) sold for a hefty $5,000. That’s only €3691.80. That’s a lot of farfalle where I come from.

But eight people? How ‘bout a candlelit dinner for just you and I, in a gondola under a canopy of stars in Venice, Gabriele? Bring a doggie bag. I’ll take home the leftovers.

When I’m donating to charity, I make sure I stick it in the underpants of a stripperhopeful. My money, that is. The legendary Mandi Boom Boom’s Amateur Strip Contest at BS West happens every Thursday night. The new “season” starts on October 6. Much better than Glee.

Speaking of nekkid men ... it looks like a local fixture at many a Mustache Ride, handsome boy box dancer Adam Carlo shows la Full Monty in the latest issue Playgirl magazine in their “Top 25 Real Men of the Year.” Or is that the “25 Real Top Men of the Year”? Well, I’d be shocked if that was it. God knows a good top man is hard to find. Or a hard top man is good to find. Anyway, you know what it takes to do do Playgirl?

Moxie. Well, it takes balls, too. Moxie and balls. And a penis. So Adam, you’re the Party Penguin of the Month!

Rock out with your ... well, you already did that. And take a picture of it. Well, take another one, then. For me.

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 95

96

www.IONAZ.com

October 2011

Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20

You’ve been feeling quite contrary, Mary Mary. You know the wrong side of the bed?

You woke up on it! Keep your sunny side up! Mid-month you’ll see a Bluebird of Happiness. Or it just may be a Cancer who wants to sex you up.

Taurus Apr. 21 - May 20

Everybody wonders about the “path not taken.” Don’t try it! You’re on the right road— just follow the map. And there’s no fault in asking for directions along the way. A Virgo has an up-to-date road atlas, so invite them along for the ride.

Gemini May 21 - June 21

All you need is love. But when you get that burning sensation “down there” you rethink things. Don’t confuse something for another thing. You’ll avoid discomfort later on if you take precautions early, if you know what I mean. A Leo cares, but not all that much.

Cancer June 22 - July 22

Expect temptation from a Capricorn a Pisces and a Taurus. They each want something different from you, but it all boils down to S-E-X. Unusual for a frigid Cappy this time of year. Keep it in your pants or you’ll regret it.

Leo July 23 - Aug. 22

Sweetheart, they’re suspecting things!

People will say you’re in love! It may be a mild infatuation, or perhaps something more genuine. Don’t go picking out china patterns just yet, but relish this feeling. A Sagittarius arouses more just your interest.

Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22

You made a hasty decision last month and now there are consequences. You’re lucky this time because it all pays off. But it was a real crap shoot. If you want to gamble, stick to the casinos. You may lose a little bit of money, but not your pride. Trust an Aries.

98

www.IONAZ.com

September 2011

Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 22

You’ll make a decision and stand by it. Smart move! A Cancer will notice and you’ll be rewarded. Celebrate your birthday by creating a ruckus in a public place that leaves others gasping for air. Go ahead. Do it!

Scorpio Oct. 23 - Nov.23

Throw caution to the wind and do something unexpected! Your natural zest for living inspires a Pisces and Virgo to be more like you. Your birthday finds you caught with your pants down and your top off. You have nothing to be ashamed of. We’re impressed!

Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 23

Oh no you didn’t! Girrrll! Your brassy talk and sassy walk has earned you a reputation lately.

Aquarians, Geminis, Leos and Scorpios all have a story about you that they like to share.

Do something to improve your standing with a Pisces and all will be forgiven.

Capricorn Dec. 23 - Jan. 20

Your “walk of shame” from a secret love nest early one morning has tongues wagging!

Don’t be humiliated! Others are jealous of your conquest, Romeo. Keep it in your pants when a Taurus is involved. Let it swing free with a slutty Aries.

Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 19

Your coy and coquettish ways enchant others. But when you turn from Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm into Lady Macbeth it leaves others wondering who you really are. Show a Sagittarius how sweet you really are.

Pisces Feb. 20 - Mar. 20

Some madcap spending sends your bank account into a tailspin that makes Wall Street look healthy. Save your pennies and you just may be able to ask that sexy Leo out. You won’t even have to order off the Value Menu, either!

October 2011 www.IONAZ.com 99