The Pessimist Print Edition 3.31.17

WHAT'S NOT INSIDE

LIFE ADVICE

We have no practical knowledge to offer you.

Don't look on page 3

INSPIRATIONAL QUOTES

No one said anything of merit this week.

All interviews were very drab and all stories are boring.

You could try page 9 but you might be terribly disappointed.

OPINIONS GROUNDED IN RESEARCH

All opinions are formed off the cuff and are not backed by anything reasonable.

We are not the New York Times, people.

Friday, March 24, 2017 | Vol. 105 Issue No. 26: I don't have all my Chapel/Quest/ Spiritual Formation credits but I don't feel like going.

A student publication of Abilene Christian University making readers mad since 1912

FAKE NEWS National trend finally makes it to Abilene

THE CREATORS OF YOUR FAVORITE STUDENT NEWSPAPER We work tirelessly each week to produce a paper that gets thrown on the ground and we love our jobs. What would you guys think if we started a gossip column? Give us a call, tweet us, we want to give the people what they want. The Optimist is open to totally revamping our whole model if it means our papers won't be used as kindling for bonfires at Fort Phantom.

JMC profs promote alternative facts “

BY ALLISON BROWN EDITOR IN CHIEF

Responding to current trends in the news business, the Department of Journalism and Mass Communication will offer a course in the fall called Fake News that will help students prepare for a changing industry.

The course will focus primarily on alternative facts, propagandizing and scandal-mongering and will provide students with an opportunity to produce more fake news than ever before.

“What people don’t realize is fake news is a complex topic,” said Dr. Cheryl Bacon, chair of JMC department. “You have conspiracy theories on one hand and simply poorly reported nar-

ratives that exist to promote an agenda. And it doesn’t help that even President Trump isn’t always precise when using the term ‘fake news’ on Twitter.”

Bacon said the department considered incorporating a fake news module into the existing Clickbait class and Listicle seminar, but the field of fake news is constantly growing and, in fact, an advanced fake news class may be necessary.

One of the biggest challenges in creating fake news is that news outlets have – especially since the end of the 2016 campaign for president – taken much of the low-hanging fruit.

“All of the Clinton and Bush fake news is taped out, though I see some signifi-

Simply put, fake news is difficult. You just can’t throw together some fake story for a fake news publication about, say, offering a fake news class and then quote yourself. That's irresponsible fake journalism.

KENNETH PYBUS FAKE CHAIR OF THE FAKE NEWS DEPARTMENT

cant potential with Trump and Putin,” said Dr. Doug Mendenhall, assistant professor. “We also have the problem that much of the real news sounds fake as well.”

With the increased scrutiny by Facebook and other social media outlets, Mendenhall said it’s becoming

much harder to get the fake news to the audience that wants and needs it.

And as faculty members were looking at the curriculum, they realized there weren’t enough hands-on outlets for fake news dissemination, Mendenhall said.

“The Pessimist once a year is just not enough to

give students the practice they need,” he said. “Plus, who reads the Pessimist?”

Optimist/Pessimist adviser Kenneth Pybus, assistant professor of journalism and mass communication said fake news – contrary to popular perceptions – can require just as much reporting and research as true and accurate news.

“Simply put, fake news is difficult,” Pybus said. “You just can’t throw together some fake story for a fake news publication about, say, offering a fake news class and then quote yourself.

That's irresponsible fake journalism. Plus it’s just too meta.”

BADWRITING@ACU.EDU

Bible Dept. presses 'ClergyCare' plan to fill ministry gap

BY PAUL RYAN'S PREACHER

As the Congress works to revamp the nation’s health care insurance structure, several faculty members in the College of Biblical Studies are lobbying their congress members with a plan that would guarantee ministry coverage for every American – the Affordable Minister Act. “Millions of people around the country remain without a church home – and therefore without ministerial guidance,” said SEE SALVATION PAGE 2

Brand new building in need of repair already

BY P. SHERMAN 42 WALLABEE WAY SYDNEY

In the aftermath of floods in Halbert-Walling Research Center, the building will be filled with aquatic animals and a dive tank for extended research and officially named The Halbert-Walling Fishbowl.

Budgeted at $26 million, the new aquarium will include swordfish, marlin, tuna, a great white shark and more. University president Dr. Phil Schubert said the new research center will provide a hands-on learning experience for all students, provided they sign the appropriate waivers.

“This is exactly what we had in mind for the Vision in Action program,” Schubert said. “When

prospective students see those animals floating in a 3-story tall building, they’ll be more than thrilled to apply.”

Students will have to take a mandatory scuba-diving course during their first semester in place of Cornerstone. Schubert said this gives ACU a huge leg-up against competitors like Baylor University and Harding University. He also said this fills a gap in Abilene’s entertainment as the Abilene Zoo “only provides so much.”

Wildcat Week posted on Instagram that ACU is “finally putting the fish in Fishbow,l” the name students have called the Halbert-Walling building since it opened. Some students in the Department of Agri-

culture and Environmental Sciences said they want to fish in the new tank, but others worry taking animals out of their natural habitat endangers the environment.

“And what about the electricity cost of running an aquarium?” said Jamie Thompson, president of Wildcats for Sustainability.

“I don’t think the university administration understands just how much this will impact the environment.”

The department is working on creating a marine biology major and minor so students can make the most of the aquarium opportunity.

1-800-VISION IN ACTION

WWW.N OB OD Y R E AD-

THE NEW HALBERT-WALLING RESEARCH AQUARIUM Yeah, we photoshopped this picture, okay. Sorry there isn't actually a giant fish bowl for you to go photograph and put on Instagram because that would honestly be really cool for everyone's aesthetic grid. #findWilly #freeWilly

2

MO RE

Student finds the best parking spot and plans to leave his car there until he graduates to avoid loosing it

BY A BUSINESS MAJOR #COBA

The closest parking spot to Mabee Business Building was discovered to be unoccupied and claimed by a local student Wednesday morning.

Sophomore Marketing Major Frederick Troutman was driving around looking for a place to park before his 8 am class when he saw the spot was open.

“

I was so excited I got this incredible spot that I just sat in my car for a couple hours in shock and missed all my classes.’

FREDERICK TROUTMAN MARKETING MAJOR

“I was so excited I got this incredible spot that I just sat in my car for a couple hours in shock and missed all my classes,” Frederick told us from the driver’s seat of his freshly parked car. “I first saw this parking spot during Wildcat Week Freshmen year and I thought ‘Maybe one day I’ll be lucky enough to park there.’ But I didn’t think it would actually happen.”

While student parking on campus is generally competitive, data obtained from ACUPD indicates this is the most sought after spot on the whole campus. “The parking spot in question hasn’t been available for six years.” ACUPD officer Bob Delony told us. “Mr. Troutman is very fortunate to have stumbled upon it when he did, because our data shows that the spot is only free for about 40 seconds out of every decade.”

If you hope to snag this spot next time it opens up, you might be in for a long wait.

Frederick doesn’t plan on moving his car until after he graduates in three years.

“It’s not worth risking loosing this fantastic spot. I actually bought another car just so I can get around.”

Frederick is very excited about the parking spot and the opportunities it presents but hopes life can return to normal for him. He says he doesn’t want to be defined by the fact he has the best parking spot on ACU’s campus and hopes people will treat him like they would a normal human being.

BUSINESS@ACU.EDU

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FRIDAY | MARCH 31, 2017

SA executives find romance amidst scandal

BY E! NEWS XOXO GOSSIP GIRL

Students’ Association has had yet another tumultuous year of off-the-books investigations against executive officers, but between the drama, Congress members report that office romance is in the air.

Sources have confirmed that executive treasurer Matthew Archer, senior accounting and finance major from Austin, and executive administrator Sydney Greer, senior marketing

major from Spring, are in the early stages of a dating relationship. The two have spent time in close proximity while president Abbey Moses and vice president Abraham Enriquez have undergone investigation for various conduct issues.

“I’ve watched Matthew and Sydney together in the office and anyone who comes to check out a P-card can feel their chemistry,” said Ellen Johnson, senior marketing major from Austin and senior class vice president.

“

I am so proud to finally get my chance at a Jim-and-Pam romance.”

SYDNEY GREER SA EXECUTIVE ADMINISTRATOR

While nothing has been made official on social media and public appearances together are few, Greer said Archer has been her rock during a dramatic year in student government.

“This job has brought a lot of stress into my life, but it has all been worth it,” Greer said. “I’ve watched

the Office since junior high and I am so proud to finally get my chance at a Jimand-Pam romance.”

Greer and Archer are both long-time fans of NBC’s hit show and have turned to it as a source of hope during dark days downstairs in the Campus Center.

“Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl who had a boyfriend,” said Archer in a direct quote from The Office’s Jim Halpert. “And I had to do the hardest thing I ever had to do, which was just to wait. Don’t get me wrong—I flirted with her.

Sydney, I can now admit in front of friends and family that I do know how to make a photocopy. I didn’t need OPTIMIST@ACU.EDU

Feral cats unionize, organize sit-in

BY ANDREW LLOYD WEBER DIRECTOR OF CATS, THE MUSICAL

ACU Chief of Police Jimmy Ellison has issued a campus-wide ban on cats.

The head of the ACU Police Department has met with school officials bringing the issue to their attention.

The cats, in response, have unionized and have organzied a sit-in on campus, refusing to leave.

“The population of stray cats and domesticated cats on campus is very high and extremely bothersome.”

Ellison said. “They cause sickness, they make my officers sneeze, and I have allergies to cats, they make my eyes water and they must be dismissed.”

The cats are protesting the ban outside The Bean, only offering to relocate if their demands of better quality food are met before Easter.

“Meowwwww,” said Feral Cat Union president Jerry the Cat. A translator confirmed Mr. Cat demanded glutenfree options for the frisky population.

Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university, has agreed to assist in the ridding the campus of cats.

The number of cats that are domesticated on cam-

pus is around 58.

However, the number of stray cats far outweighs the domestic number. Dean of students Mark Lewis told reporters that he was concerned about the number being so high.

“Well we have 3,000 stray cats on campus which is disturbing that so many wild cats live on our campus,” Lewis said “most of them have black or gray fur so they really look like wildcats, I like the school spirit theme they’re going with but we can’t have so many.”

Nationwide the number of stray cats on college campuses is relatively small, with the number ranging only about 44 according to straycats.com Lieutenant Randy Motz voiced his support of the ban on KACU. “The cats must go, they jump on my car and scratch the paint and they untie my boots which is very annoying,” Motz said Sargeant Thomas Valdez described a terrifying encounter with one of the mischievous little creatures. Valdez was on patrol when one of the cats attacked him.

“I was on patrol one night and out of nowhere,” Valdez said “I saw a pair of heart stopping yellow

IF YOU DON’T FOLLOW @ACUFERALCATS ON TWITTER THEN WRUD WITH UR LIFE?

eyes staring at me with malicious intent and it sprang at me.”

The cat stole officer Valdez’s badge, darted across campus with it and ran through the president’s office, startling Schubert, who was working late on the night of the attack. It startled him so badly he spit out his coffee and fell

over.

Chief Ellison apprehended the creature and returned Valdez’s badge.

This ban has been met with resistance. Junior Jonathan Raitz described his displeasure with ridding the campus of cats.

“It’s not fair, they’re adorable.” Raitz said Sophomore Lauren

Franco started #homesforkitties to fight the ban. If you wish to join the movement type in #homesforkitties on twitter to find out meetings, news updates and more information.

SMELLYCAT@ACU.EDU

Salvation: Millions in US without Preachers CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1

Dr. Rodney Ashlock, chair of the Department of Bible, Missions and Ministry. “We need to close that ‘ministry gap,’ and our faculty is joining others around the country to help the chronically unchurched.”

Covering the millions who are without a minister would be a daunting task and would require some significant changes to the country’ church structure.

Under the proposed AMA, a minimum level of ministerial care would be required – including hospital visitation, birthday calls and mar-

ital counseling. But the plan would also penalize so-called “Cadillac church plans.”

“Those who attend churches with coffee stations like Java Jesus, Holy Grounds and the like – or maybe those who insist on home visits from their preacher – would need to pay some sort of penalty,” Ashlock insisted. “But it’s not a tax – it’s a ministry sur-tithe.”

Randy Harris, instructor of Bible missions and ministry, said it was important to reassure people they won’t be losing their existing ministerial care under the proposal.

“That’s right. If you like

“

We need to ensure this ministry coverage guarantees everyone have access to ministers who recognize concepts like emotion, aspiration, conflict and mortality. It needs to cover pre-existing human conditions.”

JERRY TAYLOR BIBLE PROFESSOR, WINNER OF BEST DEEP VOICE ON CAMPUS AWARD

your pastor, you can keep your pastor.”

Ashlock said he would prefer to nickname the plan “ClergyCare,” though one faculty member involved – and he wouldn’t say whom – prefers the name “CukrowskiCare.”

Dr. Jerry Taylor, associate professor of Bible, mis-

sions and ministry, said he wants to be sure the ministerial coverage doesn’t just target crisis situations but also provides preventative ministerial care.

“We need to ensure this ministry coverage guarantees everyone have access to ministers who recognize concepts like emotion, aspi-

ration, conflict and mortality,” Taylor said. “It needs to cover pre-existing human conditions.”

Of particular interest for instructor Robert Oglesby Jr. was a proposal that students be allowed to stay on their parent’s ministry plan until age 26.

“Sometimes it makes more sense to stick with the minister you’ve had as a youth,” Oglesby said. “Plus, there’s the potential that for several years after our students graduate, they could be their own youth minister.”

SPIRITUAL@ACU.EDU

“POLICE” LOG SELECTED ACUPD CALLS FOR THE WEEK 02/01/2017 3:45 p.m.

ACUPD has conducted an investigation into a student who reported an incident of being wrongfully denied Chapel exemptions.

02/02/2017 12:52 a.m.

Partayyyyyyyyyyy 02/04/2017 3:40 a.m.

Drug bust. Dorm room. Marijuana, probably.

911 CALL ACCIDENT ADMINISTRATIVE ACTIVITY ADVICE ALARM ANIMAL CALL ASSIST BUILDING LOCK/UNLOCK CHECK BUILDING CITATION ISSUANCE DISTURBANCE DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE DRUG ACTIVITY/OFFENSE

3 1 24 3 4 1 2 7 331 1 2 1 2

FINGERPRINTING SERVICE 1 FOOT PATROL 27 FOUND PROPERTY 5 IMPROPER PHOTOGRA1 PHY OR VISUAL ECORDING INFORMATION REPORT 6 INTOXICATED DRIVER 2 INVESTIGATION FOLLOW 18 UP LOST PROPERTY 2 MAINTENANCE UNIVERSI- 1 TY ASSETS: CCTV

MAINTENANCE: UNIVER- 3 SITY ASSETS MEDICAL EMERGENCY 6 MONITOR FACILITY/LOT 3 MOTORIST ASSIST: JUMP- 5 START MOTORIST ASSIST: UN11 LOCK NOISE VIOLATION 3 OTHER 2 PARKING LOT PATROL 29 PARKING VIOLATION 3 PATROL VEHICLE: MAINTE- 2

NANCE PATROL VEHICLE: REFUEL 10 PROWLER 1 RANDOM PATROL 21 RECKLESS DRIVING 1 REPORT WRITING 23 SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY 1 SUSPICIOUS PERSON 6 SUSPICIOUS VEHICLE 2 TRAFFIC STOP 4 WELFARE CHECK 1

TOTAL: 582 POLICE CHIEF TIP OF THE WEEK:

ACUPD encourages all students to not wear ACU apparel when being arrested.

This tip is brought to you by University Marketing

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ERIKA BOLADO AND MARIANA CEDILLO STAFF PHOTOGRAPHERS A homeless man poses outside of the future Dunkin Donuts location on Campus Court. This is not real.

Dunkin Donuts dunks out Pour Man's Coffee “

BY STARBUCKS LOVER GO VENTI OR GO HOME

Pour Man’s Coffee location will be taken away by Dunkin Donuts, which has been expected to come to Abilene for years.

It was just announced this month that Pour Man’s Coffee would open their shop in the fall at the former Bitsy’s Flower space. However during the past week, Dunkin Donuts offered more money for the building and now Pour Man’s Coffee will have to relocate.

Harley Burnett, the building owner, had noth-

ing to comment after being seen taking away the keys from the owners of Pour Man’s Coffee, David Neill and Daniel Sotelo.

Neill said he is saddened by the changes and hopes to find a new location. “I hope our customers can understand we weren’t able to compete with Dunkin Donuts, I mean the amount of money they were willing to give is outstanding,” said Neill and admitted he was still excited for a Dunkin Donuts.

With ACU just across the street, Dr. Phil Schubert - who was wearing a “I love Dunkin

Donuts” shirt - said the school was worried about Pour Man’s Coffee opening up because it would attract homeless people on campus.

“The name “Pour Man’s Coffee” can potentially attract many homeless people on or around campus and ultimately could affect the safety of our students,” Schubert said. “So, ACU is open to the idea of Dunkin Donuts and we’re happy to see students take advantage of the new shop.”

People all around Abilene have expressed their feelings in good ways

and in bad ways. Some hard-core Dunkin Donuts fans were ecstatic over the change and are ready for the business to open up this summer.

“It was about time Abilenians got a Dunkin Donuts,” said Heather Barn, junior communications major from Abilene.

“Honestly, when I heard Pour Man’s was taking the space I thought ‘why are poor people taking the building?’ and also not a huge fan of their coffee, I don’t like that they never have creamer or sugar.”

The Pour Man lovers went quickly on social me-

I hope our customers can understand we weren't able to compete with Dunkin Donuts, I mean the amount of money they were willing to give is outstanding.”

WHO EVEN READS THESE THINGS ANYWAYS

dia to post a photo of their Pour Man’s Coffee cup on Instagram and comment “RIP Pour Man’s, I will always be with y'all no matter where y'all go.

#rip #pourmanscoffee #coffeelover #hatedunkin #sisepuede #localabilene #abilenecoffee #coffeeenthusiast” “I’m so upset Pour Man’s Coffee isn’t going to open anymore, I loved their coffee from the start and I just think DD’s is so unhealthy,” said Katy Speard, sophomore business major from Dallas.

Dunkin Donuts is expected to open in August and Pour Man’s Coffee will stay mobile until a new location is found.

JITTERBUG@ACU.EDU

'Fixer Upper' Student Life prohibits ACU apparel on arrested students brings Waco aesthetic to ACU

BY THE FASHION POLICE #JUDGINGYOU

BY CHIP AND JOANNA, PLEASE ADOPT ME

Chip and Joanna Gaines, stars of the HGTV show Fixer Upper, will come to Abilene next month to renovate Nelson Hall.

Their show is usually filmed in Waco but they accepted the Abilene job to expand their market.

“We’ve renovated every house in Waco so there’s not any jobs there for us anymore,” Chip said.

“We also liked the challenge of working on a larger structure with an entire three-story dorm, which will give us more room for creativity.”

Chip’s wife, Joanna, will design the layout of the new dorm and said she’s going to focus on an open concept. She’s also going to incorporate plenty of shiplap and exposed brick.

President Phil Schubert is excited for the renovation and the publicity the show will bring to ACU, he said.

“People all over the country watch this show, and they’ll see this episode at ACU and want to apply,” Schubert said.

“And hopefully, Chip and Joanna will renovate my house next.”

Camera crews will be on campus April 1 as Chip, Joanna and their team redesign Nelson Hall.

MAGNOLIA@ACU.EDU

The Office of Student Life will prohibit students who get arrested from wearing any ACU-affiliated merchandise at the time of their arrest or mugshot.

Mark Lewis, dean of students, announced the policy in an email Tuesday. He said Student Life is responding to the grow-

ing number of students arrested for minor in possession, possession of marijuana and other petty crimes.

“We encourage school spirit in most times and most places,” Lewis said in the email. “However, the county jail is just not one of those places.”

Most students wear T-shirts with the ACU logo, Lewis said, which

helps the school get free advertising.

However, Lewis said the school doesn’t want its logo associated with criminal activity.

“We understand that students are going to be arrested from time to time,” Lewis said. “But anytime our logo is seen on the county jail website, we wonder what prospective students will think. Looks

matter, and we need to be proactive about this.”

Some students may have to take off their ACU merchandise at the time of their arrest, said Abbey Moses, Students’ Association executive president.

She started working on a bill to give plain white T-shirts to students at the time of their arrest.

“ACU PD and Abilene PD have been willing to

work with us even though it may slow the arrest process,” Moses said. “I think this will be a great way to honor the new policy while still helping students in need. I’m so proud of what our office has done to help our students.”

The new policy will go into effect April 1.

STUDENTLIFE@ACU.EDU

Chapel whisperers to receive more SFE credit

BY FRESH WARM BREAD SLIDING 'N GLIDING

The office of Spiritual Formation announced Thursday that the current system of earning credits will be phased out by the fall semester.

Instead of students swiping in and out, they will instead whisper, “I’m here,” into President Schubert’s ear as they enter the main doors of the building.

“We feel that this new system will give us a more

personal dialogue with students,” said Jan Meyer, dean for student development.

Checking into smallgroup chapels via the Quest app will also be phased out in the coming semester.

Students will instead notify the Chapel office of their attendance with telepathy.

“To ensure that an attendance is counted, students will need to make sure they have a strong mental connection with the Chapel office,” Meyer said.

Meyer suggested that standing in an area free of trees, listening to transcendental harp instrumentals or the humming of Nepalese Sherpas to improve a telepathic connection.

Students reacted to the change of the credit counting system with mixed emotions.

“This change is really inconsiderate of students who lack telepathic strength,” said Noel Grantest, sophomore kinesiology major from Houston. “My chi

has been stunted for several years now, and I know that I would have difficulty reaching the office if I were more than 30 feet from the door.”

Kelson Gib, senior multimedia major from Abilene, said he was not surprised by the system change.

“I’m not shocked by this change,” Gib said. “I mean checking in with our phones was almost like telepath but with computers.”

Dr. Essher Kitz, of Kitz & Cochlear: Ear, Nose and

Throat Specialists, said the new system poses a risk to Schubert’s health.

“The ear is already known for being a common place for infections,” Kitz said. “Exposing an ear to a constant stream of warm, wet whispers would give anyone an ear infection in a matter of hours.”

The office of spiritual formation did not comment on the potential health risk.

REVIVAL@ACU.EDU

ABBEY BOWLING PHOTOSHOPPER Students demonstrate the new check-in system for Spiritual Formation Event credits.

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FRIDAY | MARCH 31, 2017

Athletic deparment gives away free cars BY #PURPLEHAIR SERIOUSLY PLEASE COME

The athletic department tweeted a statement promising to give free cars to the first students who show up to Saturday’s baseball game. Types of cars will vary depending on how much purple the students wear.

After watching a 2004 rerun of Oprah’s legendary car giveaway, athletic director Lee De Leon said this was the motivation behind getting more people show up to the games in general. De Leon said

he’s just tired of smiling, combing his hair into the middle school inspired flip just to hear only a few people repeat the unmotivated “go wildcats” while holding a sorry excuse for a wildcat sign.

“We’ve literally tried everything. Even the motivation to dye the President Schubert’s hair did not work even in the slightest.

I just want everyone to get hyped about coming to the games even if that means giving away something as simple as a car. Time to make the incentives a bit higher,” said Leon.

De Leon said he understands that our athletes don’t necessarily ‘win’ all the time, but that sports isn’t about winning- it’s about school spirit and supporting our athletes (and making use of the thousands of dollars already spent).

Up until Tuesday night, six cars were purchased at the Arrow Ford dealership where a deal was set including one year’s worth of college tuition, two dates with Willy the Wildcat and $200 worth of bean bucks. Arrow Ford said the athletic de-

partment only needed to purchase six cars because of the fear of not having enough for every student who decided to show up.

Any left over cars will be used during admitted student day for tour purposes only. Several tour guides said they are excited for the re-purposing of left over vehicles to improve the campus tour experience.

“Like, we’re really excited. We’re kind of tired of driving in the hot sun and having to talk and drive at the same time,” said Jim Foster, a sophomore busi-

ness management major from Frisco. “We do hope students go to the baseball game, but we’d prefer if we had at least one car given to us instead. They would honestly go to better use.”

The game is scheduled at 2 p.m. versus Sam Houston State at Crutcher Scott Field. To give students enough time to enter the stands, the car giveaways will commence once Leon gets to scream “You get a car! You get a car!” at 2:15 p.m.

PURPLEHAIRDONTCARE @ACU.EDU

SPORTSMANSHIP CUP

Softball Team Prayers said 777 ACU 135 McNeese 124 Lamar 107 Nicholls 98 SELU 85 SHSU 61 UCA 38 SFA 37 UIW 25 TAMU-CC 15 HBU 1 NWSU

Baseball Team Prayers said ACU 777 SHSU 135 McNeese 124 SELU 107 Nicholls 98 UIW 85 UNO 61 Lamar 38 UCA 37 SFA 25 HBU 15 TAMU-CC 12 NWSU 1

BREAKING ACU football has now secured its schedule through 2046. The schedule will include every school in Texas that is bigger than ACU, as well as a featured game on the surface of the moon in 2047 against a soon to be found alien life form.

MANDY LAMBRIGHT STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER Athletic Director Lee De Leon will give away free cars to students at Sunday’s baseball game after he was inspired by Oprah Winfrey.

New anti-social club will start fall semester

BY ANONYMOUS EDITOR IN CHIEF

Students looking into spring rushes this year may be surprised to see a new name on campus – Alpha Sigma Chi. According to the Office of Student Life, the new social club will be chartered for the fall of 2017.

The idea was first imagined by Bryce Livingston, junior business management major from Houston, and Tori Aldana, senior journalism major from Midland, last spring around formal time.

“We were like ‘what’s the point of paying outra-

geous dues for stuff that can literally be thrown for like $5?,’” said Livingston. “You don’t have to have a party at the most expensive place in town, you can literally have it at the hammock hotel and decorate using someone’s old christmas lights.”

The club’s greek letters were chosen as an acronym for “anti social club.”

The name can be taken to mean that it is a one-sizefits all kind of club for both an anti-social person or a person who is against generic social clubs.

“We wanna have all the perks of being extra without all the commit-

ment and all the dues,” said Aldana. “For people who don’t wanna have to attend meetings or be forced to socialize, this is the kind of club for them.”

The club will be co-ed and accepts any student regardless of classification or existing club status.

Alpha Sigma Chi is already operating as an un-official club on campus and sponsors a game night every week in McDonald Hall.

“Come hang out with us on Friday nights and maybe play smash bros and cards against human-

ity, maybe eat some free pizza, do whatever you want,” said Livingston.

Only requirements for pledges? Wear whatever you want, no screaming at fountains, no dues, no meetings and enjoy the parties without the commitment.

Even though Aldana is graduating in May, she will be the club’s alumni sponsor and continue to help plan the club’s events. Livingston will be her successor as club president until elections are held after the incoming pledge class is inducted.

“I just want Tom Craig

to recognize us,” said Livingston.

If you are interested in pledging the new club, check out their upcoming rush “Alpha Sigma Cry” where prospective members can sit around and vent about homework, being broke and just life in general. Tissues and an assortment of ice cream will be provided.

Please ignore this extra paragraph I just needed to fill some extra space but I’m lazy so I’m typing this out and trying to make it as long as possible.

OPTIMIST@ACU.EDU

Newspaper runs out of things to say “

BY JK ROWLING YES THIS IS HARRY POTTER

Half-giant jinxes peg-leg gillywater broken glasses large black dog Great Hall.

Nearly-Headless Nick now string them together, and answer me this, which creature would you be unwilling to kiss? Poltergeist sticking charm, troll umbrella stand flying cars golden locket Lily Potter. Pumpkin juice Trevor wave your wand out glass orbs, a Grim knitted hats. Stan Shunpike doe patronus, suck his soul Muggle-Born large order of drills the trace. Bred in captivity fell through the veil, quaffle blue flame ickle diddykins Aragog. Yer a wizard, Harry Doxycide the woes of Mrs. Weasley Goblet of Fire.

Alohamora wand elf parchment, Wingardium Leviosa hippogriff, house dementors betrayal. Holly, Snape centaur portkey ghost Hermione spell bezoar Scabbers.

Pe r u v i a n - N i g h t - Po w der werewolf, Dobby pear-tickle half-moon-

glasses, Knight-Bus. Padfoot snargaluff seeker: Hagrid broomstick mischief managed. Snitch Fluffy rock-cake, 9 ¾ dress robes I must not tell lies. Mudbloods yew pumpkin juice phials Ravenclaw’s Diadem 10 galleons Thieves Downfall.

Ministry-of-Magic mimubulus mimbletonia Pigwidgeon knut phoenix feather other minister Azkaban. Hedwig Daily Prophet treacle tart full-moon Ollivanders You-Know-Who cursed.

Fawkes maze raw-steak Voldemort Goblin Wars snitch Forbidden forest grindylows wool socks.

Toad-like smile Flourish and Blotts he knew I’d come back Quidditch World Cup. Fat Lady baubles banana fritters fairy lights Petrificus Totalus. So thirsty, deluminator firs’ years follow me 12 inches of parchment.

Head Boy start-of-term banquet Cleansweep Seven roaring lion hat. Unicorn blood crossbow mars is bright tonight, feast Norwegian Ridgeback.

Come seek us where our

voices sound, we cannot sing above the ground, Ginny Weasley bright red.

Fanged frisbees, phoenix tears good clean match.

Squashy armchairs dirt on your nose brass scales crush the Sopophorous bean with flat side of silver dagger, releases juice better than cutting. Full moon Whomping Willow three turns should do it lemon drops. Locomotor trunks owl treats that will be 50 points, Mr. Potter.

Witch Weekly, he will rise again and he will come for us, headmaster Erumpent horn. Fenrir Grayback horseless carriages ‘zis is a chance many would die for!

Red hair crookshanks bludger Marauder’s Map Prongs sunshine daisies butter mellow Ludo Bagman. Beaters gobbledegook N.E.W.T., Honeydukes eriseD inferi Wormtail. Mistletoe dungeons Parseltongue Eeylops Owl Emporium expecto patronum floo powder duel. Gillyweed portkey, keeper Godric’s Hollow telescope, splinched fire-whisky sil-

ver Leprechaun O.W.L. stroke the spine. Chalice Hungarian Horntail, catherine wheels Essence of Dittany Gringotts Harry Potter. Prophecies Yaxley green eyes Remembrall horcrux hand of the servant. Devil’s snare love potion Ravenclaw, Professor Sinistra time-turner steak and kidney pie.

Cabbage Daily Prophet letters from no one Dervish and Banges leg. les crush the Sopophorous bean with flat side of silver dagger, releases juice better than cutting.

Full moon Whomping Willow three turns should do it lemon drops. Locomotor trunks owl treats that will be 50 points, Mr. Potter. Witch Weekly, he will rise again and he will come for us, headmaster Erumpent horn. Fenrir Grayback horseless carriages ‘zis is a chance many would die for!Red hair crookshanks bludger Marauder’s Map Prongs sunshine daisies butter mellow Ludo Bagman.

Beaters gobbledegook N.E.W.T., Honeydukes eriseD inferi Wormtail.

My favorite part was watching Mark kiss the first baby pig that was squealing incessantly.”

MICHELLE NIX SENIOR INTERIOR DESIGN MAJOR FROM DALLAS

Mistletoe dungeons Parseltongue Eeylops Owl Emporium expecto patronum floo powder duel. Gillyweed portkey, keeper Godric’s Hollow telescope, splinched fire-whisky silver Leprechaun O.W.L. stroke the spine. Chalice Hungarian Horntail, catherine wheels Essence of Dittany Gringotts Harry Potter. Prophecies Yaxley green eyes Remembrall horcrux hand of the servant. Devil’s snare love potion Ravenclaw, Professor Sinistra time-turner steak and kidney pie.

Cabbage Daily Prophet letters from no one Dervish and Banges leg.

JKROWLING@ACU.EDU

The department of athletics announced it will start a GoFundMe for all future projects, with the hope to eventually add an indoor rodeo arena to accompany the addition of Extreme Rodeo Sports in 2021.

In combined efforts with the university to decrease the wild animal population on campus, ACU football has made Tuesday and Thursday conditioning practices a competition to see which football player catches the most cats.

MATCHUPS Baseball 4/1 Thru 20 Innings ACU 56 TEXAS RANGERS 4/1 ACU

54

(77-0, 4-0)

SFA

(0-100, -5-3)

Softball 4/1 ACU

(150-0, 50-0)

HBU

(0-130, 0-6)

Football 9/1/2026 ACU Texas Tech

3 100

Track 4/1 Abilene 2020 Tokyo Olympic Invitational

Tennis 4/1 Women’s ACU Little Williams’ Sisters AlOT 4/1 ACU

Men’s 7

Federer

77

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