THE PESSIMIST vol. 101, Does anyone read this?
wednesday, april 1, 2015
1 SECTION, 4pages 4life
News Page 13
Ben Rector bust Unknown artist cancels show due to lack of ticket sales
Student Life releases list of ‘ACU-approved’ tattoos
INSIDE NEWS Student, single since Welcome Week, accepts he’ll never find “the one” Sorry dude
catherine blakemore
OPINION
traitor
ACU should conduct a survey to find out student’s perception and awareness of campus surveys
Student Life has released a short list of acceptable tattoos approved by ACU President Phil Schubert and the Board of Trustees. Undisclosed members of the university and of Student Life have compiled the list for over five years to create the existing limited number of approved tattoos allowed for the 2016 school year. “This decision comes after years of praying and fasting and deliberation on how we, on this campus, want to ref lect our Christian standards to our generous benefac-
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NEWS Nick Tatum wins first, second and third place in every Sing Song division Page 8B
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SPORTS Giant hamster tubes planned for students to walk between new science buildings
Novel ideas section
NEWS League of Legends announced as new intramural sport. Galaxy holding champ try-outs next week Page 3
OPINION PRINT JOURNALISM IS NOT DEAD YET. YOU’RE READING THIS AREN’T YOU? fifteen
SPORTS ACU basketball suspends players for SnapChatting in middle of game
GOLD MINE
step stool to climb in.” Wise said he thought getting a lifted diesel truck when he moved into the dorm would be enough to park next to the other students, but others in the dorm tell him his truck just isn’t as loud as theirs.
contact hal hoots at singsongpredication@acu.edu
don’t contact blakemore she’s transferring
LAST OF STADIUM MONEY Editor no mo
Just a few days after tearing down Chambers Hall, construction crews discovered the long lost buried treasure of former ACU President Don H. Morris. Dr. Phil Schubert and other university officials grabbed their shovels and upon digging up the booty, realized it would cover just about all the rest of the fundraising they had left to do for the planned Wildcat Stadium. “It really was just the biggest blessing,” Schubert said. “I just wish we would have torn down Chambers a long time ago so I wouldn’t have
had to waste all that time asking for more donations.” As the legend goes, Morris buried the undisclosed amount of money underneath Chambers before it was built as a way to protect it from inflation. He then made a deal with a band of feral cats who would protect the treasure in exchange for a permanent home on campus to grow their colonies. Jim Orr, vice president of advancement and couch change scavenger, said he was excited that construction on the stadium can now move full steam ahead but a little disappointed now that he’s out of a job. “Since last May I’ve been meeting with big wigs and asking for their money so
now I’m not sure what I’ll do,” Orr said. Schubert said the money was oddly enough the exact amount that they had left to raise and for that reason students shouldn’t expect any changes to the cost of tuition. Other complications coming out of the discovery include a property rights debate between the university, the psychology department and the English department. Both the English department and the psycho department, who have occupied Chambers for the most recent extended length of time, are laying claims to the Morris treasure. Dr. Beck, professor of mind-reading and chair of the psych depart-
ment, said his department had first dibs on the money. “We are the ones who have been psycho-analyzing the feral cats for decades trying to get the location of the treasure out of them,” Beck said. “And then to find out it was right underneath our noses the whole time means we are the rightful owners.” Schubert declined to comment on the ownership dispute. “Football home game money campus stadium money,” Schubert said. “Sports go wildcats swag merchandise money.”
She won’t email you back anyways
Page 6
Student finds close parking spot
NEWS Library remodels upstairs so that there are no outlets but excessive pieces of uncomfortable furniture Page 21
NEWS Touchdown Jesus statue comes to life, kick starts apocalypse Revelation 1:1
ONLINE VIDEO University clones Aaron Watson so that he can make even more appearences
Read more at acuoptimist.com
hal hoots the owl gossip columnist A student going to class on Tuesday found a parking spot close to campus on his first attempt. Travis Goodwin, a junior management major from Allen, said he was looking for a place to park before his 8 a.m. class when he found the spot between COBA and the WPAC.
“It was miraculous,” he said. “I actually bought a bike for transportation after finding it because I don’t want to lose such a good spot.” He hopes to keep the spot for the rest of the semester, especially as the number of spots dwindles with construction on campus. Other students on campus are dealing with transportation troubles with the constant perils
in parking lots. One sophomore student who lives in Edwards Hall said the difficulty for him lies in the fact that his truck is somehow, “not big enough.” “Evidently to park in the Edwards lot, your truck body has to be lifted several feet above the tires,” said Art Wise, environmental science major from San Francisco. “Girls won’t get in your truck unless they need a
Mark jackson student life rule maker
tors,” Schubert said. The list includes cross tattoos in Celtic or modern style, verses from scripture only in the New Testament, infinity symbols, family crests and anchors attached to the verse Hebrews 6:19. Anyone seen with tattoos outside this list will be subject to extensive spiritual surveys and an additional 25 required Chapel credits. A group of anonymous student activists have begun protesting the new list in favor of adding tree and “Jesus fish” tattoos. The group’s argument is that the list is not comprehensive enough. A spokesperson from the group, Disciples of Ink, said the group won’t stop chalking sidewalks and praying for Schubert until they see justice for Christian tattoos. “We literaly just want equitable and fair treatment for Christian tattoos,” said their spokesperson. “This is about literal justice and making sure the list of approved tattoos comprehensive enough to represent the student body.” There are plans for a development committee for incoming students that will address how Christian tattoos can help further the Gospel. By 2020, ACU will require all incoming students to have one of the approved tattoos so they can be ranked No. 1 on the list of Progressive Christian Universities.
SCHUBERT FINDS madeline orr
We just want to show that your artistic expression, can also be your Christian expression.”
Meyer’s ‘Fresh. Warm. Bread’ blog goes viral allison brown brittish wanna-be An ACU faculty member has risen to popularity in the blogosphere. Jan Meyer, executive director of the Center for Christian Service and Leadership, launched her own personal food blog last month. The site, titled Fresh. Warm. Bread., hosts one of the country’s leading online collections of traditional bread recipes. After several
weeks returning to the Bean for the smell of fresh warm bread, Meyer gave a Chapel talk entitled “Fresh, Warm Bread” in the fall. The idea for a food blog really started cooking after last fall’s Chapel. Meyer then began compiling bread recipes after a series of interviews with Dining Services employees at the Bean and Einstein Bros Bagels. “I got this idea for a food blog as I walked in the Bean one day after Chapel and smelt the fresh… warm…
bread,” Meyer said. “I knew if I loved bread this much, others would surely want to know how to make it themselves. Fresh. Warm. Bread. features several sections, such as toasts, whole grain breads, organic breads and holy breads. Meyer hopes to soon unveil a section with bread recipes for any readers with gluten intolerances. There are even plans for devotionals to accompany each reci-
Abilene Christian University
see blog page 4`
jarred schuetze food Photographer
Meyer speaks in Chapel to promote bread blog.