The Pessimist: 03.30.11

acupessimist.com

Pessimist the

Cats on the Prrrrrowl, Page 33

Wednesay, March 30, 2011

Vol. 99, No. 1

special section, great pages

KITTENS, KITTENS, KITTENS

Negotiations continue between ACU, Cat City Cat City repurrsentative and Mayor Pawl Catsworth said his first priority in the talks was to have Schubert sign a contract guaranteeing a reasonable construction deadline.

“When construction near our homes first started, we knew it would be an intense project,” Catsworth said, “but the longer the construction continues, the more furrious we get.”

Catsworth said because of the hazardous construction conditions, many of his catstituents were down to two or three lives. Among the demands made by cat citizens for compensation are carpeted col-

Carter DeJarnatt

Chief Cat Correspondent

Dr. Phil Schubert met with the demographic most affected by construction of the Royce and Pam Money Recreation and Wellness Center on Friday.

Cat families with three or more kittens have been forced to relocate their homes because of the extensive construction on campus.

Many feline households are worried about the proposed completion date after the pipeline construction took several months longer than originally planned.

JOZIE SANDS SERIF // She’s cooler online

Schubert meets with Mayor Pawl Catsworth in his office Friday.

umns in the new Wellness Center and fishing rights at Lake Tuition.

But Schubert said he is focusing on safely relocating ACU’s furry friends without separating families.

“As part of the 21st century vision, we want to give all members of the ACU community the freedom to land on four feet,” Schubert said. “We’re doing everything we can to keep these cats purring.”

Among the students involved in the Cat Relocation Initiative is junior advertising and public relations major Julie Neill. Neill led the junior class Sing Song act this year, see CATS page 2

JAMMIES

President tangos to the top

Spring JamFest to feature jams, jelly

Schubert amends dance policy for spot on ‘Dancing With the Stars’

Lizzy Spano, The One Who Got Away

P

Linda Bailey

resident Phil Schubert announced Monday in Chapel that he had amended the university dancing policy to allow university-sponsored dancing.

Former policy prohibited dancing at any ACU-sponsored events or events hosted by official student organizations, according to the 2011 student handbook. The exception was for “organizations that exhibit cultural expression through dance as part of their organizational purpose.”

The new policy, which took effect last week, allows university-sponsored dancing, including hip-hop, modern, ballet, Latin and swing, by any organization or individual who has the inclination to dance – anywhere, anytime.

Although Schubert initially explained the policy change as an effort to allow more student expression, the president confessed Monday that the amendments were see TV page 2

Idiot in Chief

mbarrasing for students and faculty alike.”

Dr. Joe Stephenson, assistant professor of English, said he is overjoyed at the creation of the Spelling Center.

“I believe this center is merely counteracting the damage we’ve done to students’ spelling abilities by handing out iPhones,” Stephenson said. “We have encouraged a culture of texting, and are responsible for the spelling corruption

Campus is about to get stickier, in a good way.

The ACU chapter of JAMigos annou nced the firstannual Spr i ng Ja mFest c e l e b r a ting all JAM types of jams, jellies and preserves from across the country and around the world.

JAMigos began meeting early this semester, and its mission is to educate students and faculty on the health benefits of jam and jam-like products.

Benjamin Fitz, president of JAMigos and sophomore nutrition major from Montego Bay, Jamaica, said his family has made its own jam for the last 100 years, and his relatives all have lived into their 90s.

“I love jam,” Fitz said.

“I’ve been eating it since I was little, and after being at ACU for a year now, I saw a jam void in the lives of the students, and I feel compelled to fill that void.”

JamFest will give students the opportunity to taste a variety of jams, jellies and preserves in f lavors such as strawberry, mint and jalapeño – for those who like their jam hot, Fitz said.

The event also will offer instructional pamphlets showing “jamateurs” how to make homemade jam with fruits, such as blackberries, strawberries, redcurrants,

see WORDS page 2

see JELLY page 2

JOZIE SANDS SERIF // Chief Photographer

Dr. Phil Schubert dances with the stars in his first television appearance Monday.

SPELLIN’

Spelling Center to precede Writing Center Christianna Lewis Science Writer

ACU is craking down on mixed-up vowels and poorly placed consonants with the opening of the new Spelling Center.

Dr. Wendy Wordsworth, director of spelling and grammar, was recently hired to head this new campus-wide initiative. She said if ACU truly wants to equip students to be Christian leaders, it must teach them to spell correctly.

“How can students be ‘exceptional’ if they don’t

‘‘ ’’

even know how to spell the word?” Wordsworth said.

The Spelling Center will be strategically placed directly in front of the Writing Center in the Brown Library. Students attempting to use the Writing Center will be given a preliminary spelling test to determine if they are qualified to receive writing instructions.

If students fail the test, they will be required to practice spelling until they are able to pass a spelling test, Wordsworth

DR. WENDY WORDSWORTH// director of spelling and grammar

said. Four tests, each with different words at approximately the same level of difficulty, will be rotated for each student. This will motivate students to truly master spelling rather than memorize a given 20 words, Wordsworth said.

Beyond being a gateway to the Writing Center, the Spelling Center

will offer students placement tests and workbooks that tutors will help students complete, Wordsworth said.

“This center will help students gain independence from spell check,” Wordsworth said. “It fills a great need in the university, as offering spelling classes would be em-

website

inside news Nikki’s Swirl Shoppe and Cajun Cones battle it out in the United parking lot to see whose delicious dessert remains supreme. page 400

This center will help students gain independence from spell check.

news Student surveys reveal the No.1 use of the ad kiosk is ability to hide people from the overly chatty passerby. page -5

weather QR code Scan this GO code for great deals, special discounts and a chance to win a free Optimist for the rest of the semester.

Abilene Christian University

Wed.

Thurs.

Fri.

wind

more wind

even more wind

TooDay

Campus TODAY

30

calendar & events Today

11 a.m. Charlie Sheen to speak on Proverbs 31: “A Woman of Winning Character” 2-4 p.m. Steve Jobs comes to campus to one-up Steve Wozniak 4:05 p.m. Baseball vs.

Houston Astros

31

1

Tomorrow

11 a.m. Rebecca Black performs “Friday” concert on Thursday

The next day

11 a.m. Antoine Dodson to speak in Chapel about protecting innocents

2 p.m. Students begin learning in Cornerstone

6 p.m. Senior Art Show UNCANCELLED

6 p.m. “We put the Lede in Leadership” National Convention

7 p.m. JamFest, bring your own bread, toasters provided

2

Everyday Limericks

by Everyday people

Ode to an ACU Education Tuition is now on the rise But really it is no surprise With iStuff galore, And gas costing more Grads now will ask “you want fries?”

A Sing Song Critique Bob Hunter created the Sing Song It started out fun, but now feels long I like the red cheeks, People dressed up like geeks But please can we cut out... the hosts and hostesses

5 p.m. Selfish Saturday Project meet at nearest couch

A All day Dance-a-thon

I’m a senior girl, and I will not get my ring by spring!!

I was in a serious relationship earlier in the semester but my almostfiance proposed with a pear-cut diamond on Fat Tuesday, and I felt that was an unfair insinuation about my figure. He, of course, denied the accusation, but I dumped the selfish pig on principle.

Ever since, I’ve been desperately looking for Mr. Right 2.0., But despite my proactive attempts and around-the-clock texting, men seem unwilling to enter into a relationship. I’m rapidly running out of time, and my grandma expects a ring before a diploma. What should I do?

-Girl without the pear-cut ring

Dear Pear-cut, I feel it’s my responsibility as Campus Relationship Guru to implore you to be more aggressive.

There are plenty of Bible majors out there still in need of suitable housewives.

Camp out in the Bible building atrium and watch for high-water pants and sandals with socks.

I would also print out flyers advertising your availability. Be sure to update your Facebook status frequently to notify would-be mates of events you’re attending alone.

Now, don’t settle for just any Bible-toting buffoon with a ring. Remember, the best spouses are the ones who can read your every thought and always want to discuss your emotions.

Happy Hunting!!!!!!!!

-A

KITTENS, KITTENS, KITTENS

Cats: Furry friends make requests and awareness if we’re going to see this hardship to “There’s a Purring Deep a quick end.”

Catsworth also asks Within Me,” in an effort to speak for the overlooked cat that students be mindful of the uprooted cats roampopulation at ACU. “We appreciate Ms. Neill’s ing around campus in their efforts to bring awareness time above ground. Many of to our catastrophe,” Cats- his catstituents have comworth said. “It has started to plained of iPhone-distracted bridge the cat-human gap, college students trampling but we need more support their fellow felines.

Continued from page 1

JAMMIES

After Schubert took office in June, Catsworth said he was nervous that the bank of trust built between the cats and Dr. Money over the last 20 years would be disregarded. However, with the new relocation plan, Catsworth is confident that Schubert is keeping their best interests in mind.

“After all,” Catsworth said, “Cat City’s relationship with

Police Chief of the Week Edited for humor

JIMMY ELLISON ACU chief of police Chief Ellison has been with ACU 13-ish years and works everyday to serve and protect the lives of ACU A log of the ACU Police Destudents, faculty and partment’s daily activities staff. will And, today the be printed on this page of Pessimist salutes you.

the Optimist. The first Police Log will appear Friday.

12 a.m.-7 p.m.

Voting period for the JamFest People’s Choice award

Ask

Construction Complications There once was construction on campus It was loud, expensive and kept us From enjoying a pool, Being on time to school And the fences have started to vex us

Day after that

ACU Police Tips of the Week Lock your vehicle, keep your phone with you, chain your bike to a rack, don’t talk to strangers, don’t run with scissors, hide yo kids, hide yo wife, hide yo husband.

ACU reaches back to 1906, when the university named the wildcat its official mascot.

After 105 years of peaceful coexistence, we are sure that the construction won’t just result in a wellness center, but a strengthened relationship between human and catkind.” don’t contact Carter

never.online@mail.com

Daily Stats of the Week March 911 911 Call 8 Alarm 1 Alcohol Incident 1 Armed Subject 6 Assist 2 Bicycle/ Skateboard Call 2 Boot/Unboot Vehicle 21 Building Lock/ Unlock 4 Burglary (Motor Vehicle) 3 Low Battery Warning 2 Disturbance 1 Extraterrestrial being siting

1 1 1 3 1 9 1 1 2 7 4 13

Donut Theft Fire Ant Call Snow Patrol Found Identity Harassment Investigation Follow Up Lost Apple Product Maintenance: University Assets Monitor Traffic Motorist Assist: Blinker Fluid Motorist Assist: Missing Engine Motorist Assist: Sunroof incident

20 4 2 15 3 1 9 1 1 1 5 13 2

Public Display of Affection Public Service Reckless walking Report Writing Roller-skate gang Bust Showering in GATA fountain Suspicious Activity Traffic Hazard Traffic Stop Toga Wearing Unlawful Chalking Underpants removal from flagpole

Chapel Checkup 12 55

Chapels you have to attend

Chapels you want to attend

SPELLIN’ CENTER

Words: Center corrects spelling Continued from page 1

separable from leadership,” Stephenson said.

“If our students want to that has ensued.”

He will encourage change the world, they students to take advan- need to learn to spell.”

Students can reign in tage of the center by assigning in-class papers their misppelling tenathat must be written in dancies at the center computers that have had from 10-5 p.m., Monday spell check deleted from through Friday, Wordsworth said. their programs.

“Spelling is inseparable from writing, which is inseparable from comcontact Christianna at this@doesn’twork.com munication, which is in-

DANCE, DANCE REVOLUTION

‘‘

Jelly: Locavores TV: Schubert demonstrates dance offer organic jam Continued from page 1

Continued from page 1

“When we heard another group on campus was problackcurrants, apricots, apples moting a healthy food, we knew we needed to present the and raspberries.

JamFest also will represent organic version,” said Hevelyn jams and jellies from around Enshaw, Locavore vice presithe world. Julie Chén, junior dent and senior communicacommunications major from tions major from San Diego, Hong Kong, said she’s been Calif. “And, organic jam beats looking for an avenue to share non-organic jam any day.”

JamFest will take place at her love of almond jelly for years and is glad she is finally 8 p.m. on Friday on the lawn next to Lake Tuition. The event getting an opportunity.

“Almond jelly is a traditional is free for all ACU students, as dessert in Hong Kong, but my long as they bring their own friends here don’t appreciated bread. Toasters will be providit,” Chén said. “By joining JA- ed free of charge.

The JAMigos also will sell Migos, I hope I can finally find a group who can appreciate my various jars of homemade passion and allow me to share jam and T-shirts reading, “JAMped for Jam.” it with those at JamFest.”

ACU’s Locavore Club will also provide samples contact Bailey at of organic jam. jamlover2314@preserves.edu

actually made to accommodate his recent casting on the ABC TV reality show, “Dancing With the Stars.”

“The opportunity to share my passion with the country – with the world – is one I couldn’t refuse,” Schubert said Monday. “And look, now you guys can dance anywhere, anytime, on the university’s dime.”

Schubert said he most looks forward to working with Beyoncé, his professional dance partner. “Dancing With the Stars” allowed the primarily professional singer to join the show upon Schubert’s request.

“I just so admire her energy and coordina-

The opportunity to share my passion with the country – with the world – is one I couldn’t refuse. And look, now you guys can dance anywhere, anytime and on the university’s dime.

’’

DR. PHIL SCHUBERT // president of the university and dance enthusiast

tion on the dance f loor,” Schubert said.

Immediately following the announcement, Schubert performed a short dance routine to Beyoncé’s single, “Video Phone.” The dance was choreographed to include a 4G iPhone, which Schubert threw in the air repeatedly during the dance.

“It’s important that my personal endeavors stay in line with our 21st

during ‘The Bachelor,’ the university board of directors received several complaints.

“As a Church of Christ university, we don’t generally approve of non-cultural dancing,” said Steven Moore, assistant professor of English. “But I think students have warmed up to the idea. I, personally, think it’s great.”

Moore said he most appreciated the costume change Schubert made during his Chapel presentation.

The president changed from his customary suit and tie into his TOMS, purple top hat and traditional flamenco garb.

Students scored the performance a 10 on their mobile learning devices.

Century Vision, as well as our mobile initiative,” Schubert explained following the dance.

The president addressed the student body in response to allegations from students, faculty and staff concerning the unannounced policy changes. When several students saw Schubert’s appearance on the “Dancing With the Stars,” season 12 cast announcement, made

complain to Spano at

not_my_problem@acu.edu

CAMPUS NEWS

March 30, 2011

Page ??

SPORTS

ACU sports bypass Division I to go pro Brandon Tripp Sports Guy

The ACU athletic department has announced its intention to withdraw from its NCAA Division II classification and join various professional leagues.

“Our teams are just ready to compete with the best in the world,” said Athletic Director Jared Mosley. “We have won the third most championships of any NCAA school, and that means that we are just too good for Division I, so we will just take our teams to the professional leagues.”

This, of course, means the game scheduled to be

played at Cowboy Stadium next year for the Wildcat football team now actually will be played against the Dallas Cowboys instead of the University of North Alabama, a member of the NCAA’s Div. II. “It’s a real great chance for us to showcase how good we are,” said quarterback Mitchell Gale. “It’s time to show Tony Romo how a real man plays quarterback – I mean, a fractured clavicle?

Boohoo. He should have seen my ankle.”

All current ACU players who are moving to the NFL now are members of the NFL Players Association and

now officially are locked out by the NFL owners.

“We just want what’s fair for us,” said one ACU player.

“The owners think that just because we are new to the league, we don’t want what we deserve.”

The ACU baseball team is looking forward to competing in the National League Central Division with its fellow Texas team, the Houston Astros. Just a few hours after announcing the move to the MLB’s NL Central Division, an ESPN analyst was confident the Wildcats were the immediate favorites to capture the NL Central title over the Cubs, Cardinals, Astros, Brewers, Pi-

rates and, reigning NL Central Champions, the Reds.

The men’s basketball team has decided to take a different route to the professional leagues. The Wildcats will play for two seasons in the NBA Developmental League to hone their skills and improve upon a 9-17 record from this past season.

“It will really be good for us to get a chance to learn how to win on a big-league level,” one player said.

According to the athletics department, the change from NCAA competition to professional competition stemmed from a concern about whether the Wildcats

were winning too much.

The switch to professional leagues also should generate some much-needed fannies in seats at ACU sporting events.

“We are hoping with players like Kobe Bryant, Peyton Manning, Cliff Lee and Andy Roddick, competing against our teams in home games, we can get more than 300 people to attend games,” said an assistant for one of the ACU teams.

The changes will take effect immediately for ACU. The Wildcat baseball team will make the flight from Abilene to Houston Wednesday for an exhibition game

with the Astros on Thursday before beginning its season this Saturday.

With the sudden change in competition levels, Mosley said he has found himself at the top of the sporting world. Mosley now owns 14 professional and semi-professional franchises in 10 different sports, more than any other owner in U.S. sports history.

“It’s going to be hard to remember who I am locking out at what time,” Mosley said. “But I am ready for that challenge.” don’t contact sports at

sports@sports.com

PROTESTS

Political Science professor to protest himself

‘‘ ’’

sarily reflect the views of me and everyone else,” he said.

Nosey Reporter “People listen to me in classDr. David Dillman, profes- es, committee meetings and sor of political science, has in yoga class. I want them to announced that for the rest listen to me, too.”

And in an existential twist of the semester, he will be certain to confound even picketing himself.

Dillman says his protest upper-level philosophy stuwill be silent and peaceful, dents, Dillman will be carbut he will march outside his rying a placard that reads, “I office with a signs or placards don’t speak for me.”

In fact, Dr. Paul Morris, and follow himself as he walks around campus. He said his professor of physics and phigoal is to raise awareness and losophy, said he has offered to follow Dillman around encourage social change.

“I want people to know to explain to onlookers how that my views don’t neces- such is possible, philosophiDenim Dan

TUITION

I want people to know that my views don’t necessarily reflect the views of me and everyone else.

DR. DAVID DILLMAN // professor of political science

cally and theologically.

“That’s very simple,” Morris said. “Sure, it’s graduatelevel thinking, but I’m confident Dr. Dillman can pull it off. And I hope it doesn’t offend Dr. Dillman.”

When reached, Dillman said he supports the right of

Dillman to express his views.

“I’ve got the same free speech rights as the rest of us,” he said. “As long as I don’t interfere with my day-to-day routine, I won’t criticize me.”

JOZIE SANDS SERIF // She’s cooler online

Dr. Dillman peacefully protests himself in front of the Tower of Light Monday.

please don’t email us

seriously

CHAPEL

Faculty offered credits going to Chapel but are frustrated by the excess Nosier Reporter of students who stand at The university next fall will entrances and exits swipcontinue its program of ing their cards and makencouraging faculty mem- ing it inconvenient.

“It’s a good move,” said bers to attend Chapel on Mondays but will make in- one faculty member who creased efforts to offer al- asked not to be named. “I ternatives for them to make figured out I can go to three up days they may miss dur- forums, fill out the survey, do a service project, and I ing the semester.

Chapel Guy Mark Lewis don’t have to go to Monday said the Chapel Office will Chapel at all.”

Another faculty member offer several faculty forums that will count as two said he has attended every or three Monday Chapels Monday Chapel since the each, as well as offer a fac- beginning of the semester ulty survey that will count but said he sympathizes with those who miss. as two Chapel misses.

“You know, sometimes The new move was praised by faculty mem- I don’t do all the hand mobers who like the idea of tions to ‘Highways and ByDenim Dan

GOMEZ // Photo Man

Students work on construction of the Royce and Pam Money Recreation and Wellness Center.

Work-study program helps students pay fees Matthew Woodrow Opinionated Editor

With tuition prices on the rise and work on the new Royce and Pam Money Recreation and Wellness Center lagging behind, the Board of Trustees has decided to implement a construction work-study program, killing two birds with one stone.

Zane Dennis, executive director of facilities and campus development, said he was excited to announce the plan on Friday.

“We got really behind with all those snow days in February,” Dennis said.

“We figured with all these students struggling to pay tuition, we had our own indentured labor pool. Presto!

Back on track.”

University Chancellor Royce Money said he was honored that the recreation center was going to help provide students with the means to pay for a higher education.

“I like to compare their efforts to the Israelites in Egypt,” Money said. “After a couple of hard months, they’ll be more ready to listen in Message of the Old Testament this fall.”

Many undergraduate students are seizing the opportunity to don hardhats and tool belts and join in the construction crew instead of going home for the summer or working

unpaid internships.

Charles Ebbets, junior education major from Brookville, N.Y., is one such person.

“Over the school year, it’s always read, read, read and study, study, study,” Ebbets said. “I’m looking forward to doing some real work and getting something accomplished. This is probably what I’ll end up doing after graduation anyways.”

Eena Bind, freshman missions major from Allen, said she has no choice but to participate.

“I came here to learn how to read the Bible and prepare for Christian labor,” Bind said. “But with these tuition hikes and the job shortage the way it is, I have to take whatever jobs I can get, and the labor started a little earlier than I anticipated.”

ACU students who demonstrate the ability to work for ten or more hours in 100-degree weather without will be able to earn minimum wage without “time-and-a-half” for overtime work.

Dennis said students should be grateful for this opportunity.

“When I was in school, I had to work 80 hours a week in 200-degree weather,” Dennis said. “The only time we had for homework was during Chapel.”

Another incentive for

joining the construction crew is that those who clock more than 500 hours of service will be entered in a lottery to determine the first student allowed to jump in the wellness center’s completed swimming pool this fall.

If the work-study program does not get construction back on schedule, Dennis said he also has considered leading a weekend campaign to help finish on time.

“The weekend campaign offers multiple advantages – free labor, less overtime for regular workers and an opportunity to put the ‘servant’ back in servant leadership.”

Editors Note: Since the writing of this story, all construction has been halted due to the fossil find on recreation center grounds.

Students signed up for the work-study program await a decision either to allow them to resume construction or to earn hours elsewhere. Rumored alternatives include cleaning up after the used Kleenexes and foodstuffs left behind each day after Chapel in Moody Coliseum or breaking ground on a proposed Welcome to the Welcome Center building that would border Judge Ely directly in front of Lake Tuition. leave us alone

bye@pessimist.com

MARKETING

ways,’ so we all fall a little short. I don’t judge.”

Lewis said while some faculty members skip Monday Chapel outright, others come to be noticed by fellow faculty members but leave before Chapel starts – a practice known as “seeing and fleeing.” Lewis said this new effort is a way to alleviate the self-imposed guilt some experience.

“We want to be redemptive. I mean, we know going to Chapel is voluntary for faculty,” Lewis said, “but we want to make it as close to the real student Chapel experience as possible.” the Pessimist does not answer to

pessimist@jmcnetwork.com

‘‘ ’’

Photos paint equal picture Ryan Self

Self Proclaimer

A strange phenomenon has been documented on campus: Recent weeks, and university marketing, have seen an increase in the use of mobile learning devices and in the diversity rate among students.

It remains unclear if the correlation of university marketing photographers in classrooms and these increases indicate causation. Either way, many on campus are excited about the possibilities.

“It’s great to walk into a class and see a perfect 1:1 ratio of all the different ethnic groups,” Rachelle Stephenson, junior psychology major from Portales, N.M. said. “I’ve always really enjoyed my classes but now my time in the classroom is just so wonderful that I can’t keep from smiling.”

Stephenson added that she is glad the positive changes coincided with the days the photographers came to her class so

I can’t keep from smiling – which also means I’ll look really great in all these promotional photos.

RACHELLE STEPHENSON // junior psychology major from Portales, N.M.

that they could capture them on film.

“I can’t keep from smiling—which also means I’ll look really great in all these promotional photos,” she said.

It also appears there is something almost magical about the photographer’s presence that allows an iPhone or iPad to appear in every student’s hand, while Blackberries and Android phones seem to disappear. Students who may not have brought or used their mobile learning devices in class now are grinning from ear to ear, pointing at a small iPhone screen as others look on in amusement.

Students’ increased use of their mobile learning devices captured on camera also helps add legitimacy to the mobile learning ini-

tiative. Many students, like Donovan Staggs, senior business major from Lubbock, are glad their iPhones will be utilized in their classes beyond marketing purposes.

“I use my iPhone all the time in class,” Staggs said.

“For example, today I used my mobile learning device to look up a scripture that was already on the projector screen. Outside of simply glancing up, I never would have been able to read it without an iPhone.

Now that’s exceptional, innovative and real.”

Administrators are interested in the positive changes occurring in the classroom and are seeking ways to make the photographers’ presence more permanent. follow us on Twitter instead

www.twitter.com

NEWS

Page Well Done

March 30, 2011

CONSTRUCTION/TOURISM

Fossil delays construction, increases tourism Blane Single(and ready to mingle) tery The Smithsonian Institute on Fossils and Other Really Cool Things We Found While Digging has reached an agreement with the university to close the construction site of the Royce and Pam Money Student Recreation and Wellness Center after last week’s discovery of a remarkably preserved, giant tyrannosaurus fossil believed to be from

the late Jurassic period.

Construction on the building is delayed indefinitely.

The skull alone is roughly the size of Moody Coliseum, leading some paleontologists to believe it may have actually been a coliseum at one point.

Also, it seems to have been preserved in a material that would appear to be a mixture of dolomite and obsidian, which the ACU Chemistry Department is calling, dolobsidian.

In a report filed Monday, Lier X. Agerate, executive of the institute, said a fossil like this one is unprecedented.

“We’ll tear up whatever it takes to get this thing,” said Agerate, “even if it’s been funded by $21 million in endowments!”

Against the donors’ best interests, however, the fossil has become Abilene’s biggest tourist attraction.

Olive Yermunny, treasury secretary of the Abilene Convention and

Visitors Bureau, noted figures showing that the meteorite has passed up “Frontier Texas!” by a 500:1 margin. At the time of this writing, Frontier Texas! sits at 641 likes, while the page for what’s being called “The Moneysaurus” has gained more than 325,294 likes in the 5 days since the discovery.

“That’s about three times the population of Abilene,” Yermunny pointed out.

“This makes Outlaws &

Legends look like amateur night at the karaoke bar!”

Meanwhile, the world has it’s ears on university president Phil Schubert, who according to comments prepared for a speech in Chapel Friday, is expected to announce the cancellation of the Wellness Center and announce new plans to build “Chapel on the Bones,” in an effort to lighten the wedding load for Chapel on the Hill.

“I believe getting married atop an ages old, pre-

served dinosaur would symbolize that your marriage can really stand the test of time,” said Schubert in a recent interview with the Abilene Interrogator News, “and c’mon, it’s just plain cool!”

When asked about the $21 million in endowments, Schubert had no comment.

A protest by donors is scheduled for Saturday.

Fax us at

1-800-don’t use a fax machine

SEGWAY INITIATIVE

Segway Initiative to keep freshmen off feet Ben Weaver FreshMeat

ACU students will find their daily commute to classes to be a little smoother next fall.

ACU plans to up its already high bar and equip every incoming freshman with a Segway, a decision that was almost easy, said Dr. Phil Schubert, president of the university.

“With the iPhone initiative, not only have we successfully condensed the majority of students to a single electronic demographic, we have also taken students’ social relationships and made them virtual, eliminating the need for face-to-face interaction,” Schubert said Monday. “This generation lives more in the virtual world than in the real one. With that in mind, we decided to give every incoming freshman a Segway, thus also eliminating the fading necessity of experiencing the world through walking.”

Others have agreed that walking is becoming obsolete in this technological world.

“No one enjoys walking anymore,” said Mabee sanitation engineer Rick Steinfeld.

“It’s boring, and it takes forever. Sometimes I just take off in a dead sprint because it makes the trip shorter.”

Faculty and students agree that walking is a tired tradition that is becoming outdated in today’s technology-driven world.

“I stay at home so much because I’d rather watch TV than walk,” said hermit and ACU drop-out Jesse Blacksmith. “If ACU had given us Segways, I probably would have gone to class more and not failed my courses.”

However, not everyone is on board with the idea. Freshman Adam Simpson started a group on campus that doesn’t wear shoes to voice their disagreement.

Group members, deemed “hobos” by dissenting observers, can be seen walking across campus barefoot with smug smiles on their faces.

“The sixties had sit-ins and boycotts,” Simpson said, “an effective tool to communicate a point. Today, we have shoeoffs. Hopefully, the administration will see that Segways are as detrimental to human flourishing as segregation.”

Despite the minor backlash, ACU is excited about next year.

“The goal with all our initiatives are to keep our students on the forefront of emerging technology,” said Dr. Jeanine Varner, ACU Provost. “In recent years,

JOZIE SANDS SERIF // She’s cooler onilne

Freshman Segway rider keeps up with the cross country team during practice. the necessity for walking has obviously deteriorated. As educators, we must equip our students with the knowledge and the power to change this changing world. With the Segway initiative, we are helping our students change the world

not on two feet, but on two wheels, which happens to be dynamically stabilized and electrically propelled.” don’t contact the Pessimist at

email,not,e-mail.com

LECTURESHIP... er, SUMMIT

MOBILES LEARNING

Exercise science classes go mobile Summit promises multitude of lights Jozie Sands Serif She’s cooler online

The Exercise Science Department will join the mobile learning initiative in the fall of 2011 after a complete curriculum overhaul; these changes are due, in part, to a grant from Apple.

The department will replace activities in classes with the iPhone versions of the sports. Boxing, motocross and Madden Football classes will be new to the department, while tennis, golf and bowling classes also will see changes.

“We are excited about the new classes and the changes to our original classes, said Joe Bell chair of the exercise science department. “The grant from Apple is great, too. It makes the transition easier.”

The funds will be used to create a technology-focused gym in the Royce and Pam Money Recreational Center that will be named the Apple Sporting Studio.

The gym will be equipped with phone-charging stations and recliners to provide students a comfortable place to exercise.

Steve Jobs, co-founder of Apple, told the Optimist in an interview using the Face-to-Face feature of the iPhone 4 that the company was happy to be part of these groundbreaking changes.

“We have been waiting to see these changes happen and are proud to be part of them. This will make ACU the first uniLINDA BAILEY // The Big Cheese versity in the world to inIPad Screen shot of the new bowling class. corporate mobile learning The changes will make major from Oconomowoc, into every department on campus. There will not be ACU students more hirable Wis., has hoped for this day a ACU student who gradu- later in their life, said Bill since his freshman year.

“I haven’t taken any of ates untouched by the fu- Rankin, director of educamy exercise science classes tional innovation. ture,” Jobs said.

“We see this as a way to because I read on a blog Though sport-focused classes will experience the prepare our students for the that the department would biggest change, other classes future. Our goal isn’t to teach adopt the iPhone into its also will adapt to the technol- students to be successful program before I gradunow; we want them to excel ated,” Bates said. “The first ogy-enriched environment.

Weightlifting and yoga 20 years from now,” Rankin class I take will be bowlclasses will focus only on said. “The work environ- ing. I already have the app, strength and flexibility in ment out there is tough. We and I’ve been practicing my the thumb, neck and fore- don’t want our business al- power throw.”

During the 2011-2012 arm muscles. And an app for ums losing deals because the freshman-level Lifetime they can’t make it through a school year both classic Wellness class is in the early round of ‘Tiger Woods PGA and mobile exercise science classes will be offered. The stages of development. It will Tour’ golf with a client.”

Geeks across campus iPhone-friendly classes will allow for a paperless classroom and have a built-in are thrilled to hear about be identified in the catalog pedometer. It will cost $120 the developments in the as “Version 2.0” classes. and only be available for pur- exercise science curricuchase at the ACU Bookstore lum. Randy Bates, junior don’t contact the JoZ at type@seriflover.com information technology in the Campus Store.

said. “I can only hope the Bean’s salt budget also is Wanna-be staffer increased next year, so Next year’s Summit aims that we might fully ref lect to wow campus and visit- our Christian message.”

Lighting grids begin asing biblical scholars with “over nine thousand more sembly all over campus in early August and will covl i g h t s er all indoor and outdoor than last headroom on campus. year,” says When approached Summit about the possibility of Director rain causing all of the exand recposed lights to become reat iona l a safety hazard, Bryce chocolaBryce calmed doubts. teer, Brady “God would not let Bryce.

Though several Summit that happen. The quality lecturers chose to with- of our speakers this year draw from their speaking is unprecedented. The commitment, calling the messages they’re presentmove “a complete waste ing are important and of money,” many of the should be visible to not keynote speakers came only the ACU campus, but out in delight and support the whole world as well,” Bryce said. “Our improved of the change.

One speaker praised lighting budget will only make campus visible to Bryce’s decision.

“If we profess to be salt an additional 300-mile and light in the world, radius, but every little bit but host Summit without helps, and we are excited a lighting budget that at for the future.” least matches the raise in ACU tuition, I think we’re don’t contact the Lawson at being inconsistent,” he imakegreatvideos.com Lawson Soward

98 DEGREES

University to offer new Masters of Relational Studies Ryan Self

Self Proclaimer

The university will offer a Master of Relational Sciences (MRS) degree this fall as a joint program under the College of Biblical Studies and the Department of Marriage and Family Therapy.

The new program will be offered to single female students who have completed their undergraduate studies at ACU and wish to pursue

careers in domesticity.

“We felt there was a real need to offer our female students, who have not found a suitor by the time they finish their undergraduate studies, at least two more years to find a suitable mate,” said Dr. James Vowz, associate professor of matrimony, who will be teaching Introduction to Ring By Spring.

Students enrolled in the MRS program must complete 60 hours and will

graduate upon completion of an internship or engagement proposal by spring of their second year. Some classes that will be offered include: Marital Financial Planning, Personal Selling for Engagement Purposes, Inter-spouse Communication and Quilt Making.

Several students already have expressed excitement about the many possibilities this program creates.

“Hopefully, this new

quick facts Classes to be offered for the MRS degree: • Marital Financial Planning • Personal Selling for Engagement Purposes • Inter-spouse Communication • Quilt Making degree program will open some doors,” says Jennifer Folly, a junior education major from Arlington. “I already have a reservation for Chapel on the Hill for the

June after I graduate and I’m registered at Bath and Body Works, Dillard’s and Target.

Now all I need is a groom, and I am set.”

Graduation will include a mass wedding for all graduates, along with the awarding of marriage certificates. Family and friends can expect to receive graduation and savethe-date announcements eight to twelve weeks prior to the big day.

Students who may still

be having trouble landing a marriage offer can speak to their adviser, who can refer them to single Bible majors in their senior year.

Those who wish to apply must submit a 250-word essay on the importance of marriage and how an MRS degree fits into their longterm goals. The deadline for applications is April 14. don’t contact us

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