THE PESSIMIST vol. 100, no. ??
Wednesday, march 28, 2012 1 SECTION, multi-paged
Mobile Learning iPhones gain mobility with new iLegs page π
university
Decision robot fails tuition challenge Ben Miller Most likely to be late
SNIPER
AT LARGE
Slide-and-glide sniper loose in catwalk of Moody Coliseum after Chapel
Moody’s catwalk. ACUPD has already searched the building multiple times without success. For the time being, the Swiper Sniper is at large. The current state of afcould think was, ‘I deserve fairs has divided campus: Lucius Pat-Nod those that condemn the it.’” Miss Frontier Texas!!!!!! Since Monday there vigilante’s conduct and have been 12 similar in- those that support him. “Who does this guy Students trying to nab cidents. Each victim was unearned Chapel credits either in the act of sliding think he is?” says one outleft Moody missing digits and gliding or swiping in raged opponent, waving absentee friends. Most a four fingered hand. “It’s Monday. Hunter Pawlechek slid targets lost their dominant not like we’re breaking the into Chapel then left to eat index fingers but some law! Who cares so much lunch. He returned to com- women were deprived of about chapel that they’re willing to shoot people’s plete the ‘slide and glide’ their ring fingers. Students have begun fingers off!” only to have a .22 caliber Dan McGregor enthuround tear the index fin- calling the phantom gunger off his card-carrying man the ‘Swiper Sniper.’ A siastically supports the few individuals claimed to Swiper Sniper. hand. “I think it’s awesome “I was stunned. All I have seen movement up on
that someone has taken the initiative on this issue. This will improve the overall integrity of the campus. I’m may start work on a graphic novel to document the rise and impact of the Swiper Sniper.” Last night a video of a masked individual claiming to be the Swiper Sniper was posted to the internet. In the video, the individual attempted to justify the actions of the Swiper Sniper. “Acquiring chapel credit without being present at chapel is an egregious act. Fraud like this will not be tolerated.” The individual went on to say that they will next target a supposed chapel credit laundering ring. Surprisingly, Mark Lew-
is has been rather indifferent about students’ loss of digits. He is optimistic about increased chapel attendance. “Overall, more chapel seats have been filled than in the past. You can’t argue with results like that.” When asked about his official position on the gunman’s actions, Mark Lewis replied, “I like to think of the Swiper Sniper as Batman and I’m Jim Gordon. I don’t exactly condone his actions, but I am willing to work with him.”
contact lucius at starbucks Around noon
President Schubert has announced that ACU’s block tuition pricing will not be increasing the expected 20 percent next school year. The announcement came Monday, during an emergency meeting of the board of trustees. “Phil surprised us,” said board member Emmett Delton. “Usually these emergency meetings are concerned with other business, such as casting lots for how many Chapel credits will be allowed during summit, but tuition issues are usually left to Mr. Coggy.” Mr. Coggy is a small mechanical toy that has been used to decide the university’s tuition pricing since 1987. It works much as a fortune telling machine does. After being wound with a key, the tiny tin robot brief ly walks in a circle before realizing a small strip of paper from its sleeve. The paper contains instructions for the board such as “Up ten percent” or “Tack on another $50.” Mr. Coggy’s advice has been followed unquestionably in years past. This year however, something went wrong. “Mr. Coggy ran out of paper,” Said a f lustered Schubert. “There weren’t any more instructions, so we decided to let tuition sit where it is until the search committee finds a more qualified tin robot.” Mr. Coggy’s resignation may have serious consequences for the future of ACU. “The most far reaching consequence will be how ACU is viewed by incoming students,” said Schubert. On Wednesday’s Wildcat Preview Day, high school students were eager to talk about their qualms over the tuition freeze. “Isn’t that kind of cheap?” said local high school student Keegan Wesley. “I mean, that’s just the same old tuition they had last year.” Future ACU student Christie Hooper also expressed concern over the stagnant pricing. “Isn’t the school improving each year? If it is, why aren’t see jump page 2
curriculum
Mobile initiative expands to accept WebMD notes brilliant idea. The new casino will financially benefit he seems alright both the university, and the Students’ Association,” said Professors are now accept- Dr. Phil Schubert. The president was presing excused absences validated by diagnoses from ent at the grand opening of Matthias’ Lot last Friday webMD.com This decision was made and played the first coin at when ACU responded to the slot machines. Dr. Bill Ranking immeSA’s proposal for an on campus casino last month diately noticed an issue. by closing the nursing sta- Students no longer had tion and converting it into a nurses to vouch for their illness related excused abgaming house. “We were surprised by sences. “I saw this as a great opthe Students’ Association’s request. But it’s really a portunity to expand ACU’s
Lucius Pat-Nod
mobile learning initiative. It’s only natural for students to use their learning devices for this purpose.” The myACU mobile site now includes a health tab. In addition to providing information of class times at the Bank and types of food available at the Bean, there is a link directs students to webMD.com. “Students simply need to evaluate their symptoms and determine what ails them through the site,” explains Dr. Bill Rankin Some professors were
opposed to this plan, but the vast majority were enthusiastic. Dr. Joseph Stevenson is one of the strongest advocates. “Our students are smart. Why shouldn’t they be allowed to look after their own health?” Already, a multitude of lethal maladys have been identified on campus, from ABCD syndrome to Xanthogranulomatous cholecystitis. A CORE professor received three excused absence notes from students
stricken with Cholera, Dysentery, and the Bubonic plague in one day. Conner Best made a shocking discovering last Monday. “I woke up with a headache and checked webMD. I had Mad cow disease, the last thing I expected.” Best called his professors, friends and family informing them of his situation. A few of his best friends met to pray for Best. Miraculously, by 3 pm the SA president made a full recovery.
English professor Mikee Delony received a note from a student who had contracted Vampirism. Delighted with this revelation, Delony now meets with the student at night. “I am very excited for this opportunity to interview an actually vampire. I already have a paper in the works.”
you don’t Really want to talk to him
inside news
opinion
online
theatre
Malia Obama submits letter of intent to ACU
Nobody cares what we think.
The Internet is just a fad, we’ll stick to newsprint, thanks.
“Hunger Games: the Musical” to premiere at Homecoming 2012
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