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Issue 12


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80s Party Photos Young Erotica: Part Two








usu Students’Association at Unitec

ptember 2010 Monday, 13th Se

F eat ures :


Rockin’ Roadie


Couch Surfing




ia Ibiza Amnes




eve New Year's Gig Guide

ning Good Mor Vietnam!


Young Erotica Part Three


Editorial 05 Letters 06 President’s Column 08 Ne ws 09 News Hound 10 Po ll 10 Cartoon 11 Whakarongo Mai 11 Ten Things 13 Going Up/Going Down 13 Secon d Time Around 16 Photos 17 What’s On? 26 Horoscopes 26 Stu dent Profile 27 Splinter 27 Barbie 28 Reviews 30 Recip es Next Issue: The Fashion & Fam e Issue, Out 11th

Editorial Inquires ph. (09) 815 4321 ext: 7927 nz

Advertising Inquires ph. (09 ) 815 4321 ext: 7384 usuadvertising@un

Editor: Amanda Haxton

Graphic Design: Mark Lovatt

October 2010 Disclaimer Opinions expressed in this publi cation are not necessarily those of the publishers. Subm issions and contributors are welcome, but the publisher reser ves the right to select and edit the material submitted . Materials submitted will remain property of the publi sher unless alternative arrangements are made.

Contributors: Philippa Brown, Angus Bennet t, Jodine La Pere, Aimee Walker , Frankie McGill Bannan, Pete Hodkinson, Alan MacDonald, Joseph Harper, Barbie, Splinte r, News Hound, Bronwyn Watts, Bruce Lightfoot.






haven’t we all? Even those people who are determined to have bland, cookie cutter, resort package, total insurance holidays are rarely left unscathed. If you don’t wing it a bit and put yourself in some compromising positions then you are likely to get hijacked in first class. I don’t mean to be insensitive, it’s just the truth. There is no such thing as an incident free holiday. So which stories to tell? There was the time I got mugged in Paris at the Sacre Coeur; the time a complete random got down on one knee and proposed to me in a Belgium restaurant. My week long stay in a private Buddhist temple in Hong Kong? Or a thrilling adventure in the back alleys of Hiroshima in the middle of the night 2010 Editor with a Yakuza (Japanese mafia) member. He took me to Amanda Haxton sing Karaoke - he thought he had rap star potential – he didn’t. I think the night that tops them all was when I slept on the street in London outside Victoria Station. It was the middle of winter, midnight, snowing, and after a series of unfortunate events my friend and I had missed our last train. We had often gone clubbing till the wee hours of the morning and hung out at the station for a few hours before the first train. What we didn’t realise was that between the hours of 12pm and 6am the station closed. And the next day was a public holiday so it wouldn’t open till 10am. Thinking we only had a couple of hours to kill we made ourselves comfortable on a nearby bus bench. Within a matter of minutes we had attracted the attention of the local homeless folk. We moved over to a construction site and leaned against a traffic barrier. My friend tucked every strand of my hair into my beret, convinced the colour alone was attracting unwanted attention. We tried to make ourselves look as equally q homeless as possible and settled



in for a long night. The plan was that neither of us would fall asleep. Naturally, that did not work. I woke to the screams of my friend who had herself woken at around 4am to find a drug addled, deranged looking fellow poking her face. We ran over to the station security guards and told them our sob story about being innocent naive Kiwi girls. To our relief, they took pity on us and let us into the station. For the rest of the night we had the run of one of London’s biggest railway stations to ourselves. Did we do anything spectacular? Pull out skateboards, crank up Peter Bjorn and & John’s “Young Folks” and cause montaged havoc? No. We fell asleep and then at 10am got MacDonald’s and went home. It was both the worst, and in retrospect, funniest night of my life. On an unrelated topic, last issue we featured blurbs from the USU Executive Nominees. You will no doubt have seen their posters, banners and promo tee-shirts saturating The Hub and sprinkled over the rest of the campus. Couple that with the Super City candidate’s billboards at the entrances and Unitec is feeling like one giant, smothering election. Contrary to popular belief, Paris Hilton is not actually running for No Confidence so I discourage you from ticking her box just because you find stick thin, lazy-eyed, coke addicted, attention seeking whores attractive. I can anticipate the male student population shaking their heads as they read this and saying that I’m just jealous. Deep, deep, deep down maybe I am. But seriously, she’s not running. I encourage you to be informed voters, read the candidates’ blurbs at if you haven’t already and have a look at what they stand for and what they bring to the table. Amanda Haxton In Unison Editor 2010

Write a letter and WIN a 12 pack of V Energy shots ! W LLe etters should be 250 words or less. You MUST include your real name, phone number and address so we don’t get ssu ued (we won’t print them if you don’t want us to). We won’t spell-check it, but we might edit, abridge, or decline it without explanation,. Send letters to: w



LETTERS DEAR EDITOR, I WOULD LIKE TO REPLY TO “A FORMER UNITEC STUDENT” who suggested that Unitec should establish an online database of its graduates. Unitec is setting up an alumni programme which will include establishing a database of former students so that we have much better visibility of where our graduates are and what they went on to do. “Alumni” is a Latin word meaning a group of former students of a school, college, or university, and a “graduate” of Unitec is someone who has been awarded a qualification (any level or subject) from Unitec. Unitec was established in 1976 as Carrington Technical Institute, and has obviously grown and changed significantly since then. This has certainly been the case with the information systems and record keeping processes, which

means that building this database is a complex exercise. We estimate that there could be in the order of 50,000 potential graduates to track down! So back to your reader’s original suggestion! Great idea, it’s on its way, along with a host of other great ideas such as using the experience and expertise of our graduates to help current and prospective students; for example by acting as mentors, speaking as guest lecturers and offering insight into their jobs and workplaces. There is a lot of work to be done, so watch this space for more information! In the meantime please do contact me if you have any questions or suggestions or would like to be involved. JO HAMMER Alumni and Development Manager Unitec Institute of Technology Phone: 09 815 4321 xt 7616

Find out about opportunities for postgraduate study and research in Architecture, Planning and Urban Design, Dance Studies, Fine Arts, Music and Sonic Arts.

Thursday 30 September, 6pm NICAI Student Centre Level 2, Architecture and Planning Building 26 Symonds Street, Auckland City Free admission – register online: Phone: +64 9 373 7067 l Email:





EVERYONE! WE ALL HAVE OUR PREFERRED METHODS OF TRAVELLING: walking, bikes, cars and planes, etc. Some

kitten down from a tree. Mine certainly was. And if you’re flying in a plane, I suppose you learn - quickly - how loud and annoying a small child can be, especially if that child is Pete Hodkinson at age one. The point is - all jokes aside - when you travel anything can happen, and anything can change everything. I lived in Munich for seven months in 2007. While there I travelled extensively through Germany but also spent time in Italy, Corsica (an awesome tiny French Island) and Austria. The time I spent there and the people I met flipped my world 360 degrees. If you maybe don’t have the money to fly over to Europe and do what I did as a student, consider volunteering for Habitat for Humanity – apparently you can fundraise to pay for your airfares, plus you’d be doing something amazing for people in need – just a thought. Someone said to me recently (and by that I of course mean I read it online just now) “Life is a big book, of which those who never travel only read one page”. It’s quite true, so don’t just look at life’s little blurb and waste time wishing that it could be you on that picturesque Italian beach in the brochure – it can, so get amongst it broseph! Holidays are coming up fairly soon - I bet there’s a few of you who can feel a trip coming on - but in the mean time, work hard and give yourself a reason to celebrate when that break rolls your way.

we experience on a day-to-day basis and will have done so for a long time. Others you may not have had the pleasure of acquainting yourself with yet. However you go about it, travel is about much more than just moving around. There’s a lot you learn through travelling that has little, if anything, to do with physically 2010 President Pete Hodkinson getting from A to B. When you learn to walk you learn that the ground is hard and coffee tables can be painful. When you learn to ride a bike you see that the ground is still hard and that trees, too, can be painful. When you learn to drive you learn how to swear and become

AND IF YOU’RE FLYING IN A PLANE, I SUPPOSE YOU LEARN - QUICKLY - HOW LOUD AND ANNOYING A SMALL CHILD CAN BE, ESPECIALLY IF THAT CHILD IS PETE HODKINSON AT AGE ONE. irrational; everyone travelling slower than you is a moron and everyone going faster than you is a nutter worthy of mum’s most gut-wrenching “tisk tisk”. When you first fly you learn that you are in possession of super-powers super power and discover that it is your destiny to fight crime. Your first heroic deed is getting a frightened

Peace, Pete.

usu@unitec.aa c.nzz

Eleanor Ahchee USU General Exec

usu@un usu

Jenine Kendale USU Ge G ner n al Exec ne

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Rosemary Damon U Ge US USU G nerrall Exe E c

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Togia Lanefale USU Ma M ori ri Re R p

usuu@un @unite itec.a ite c c.n c z

Melanie Disse USU S Inter ernat nat ation ional ion al Rep

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Melissa Webster USU Waitakere Rep

Hamish Walker USU Treasurer






VOTING CLOSES TUESDAY 23 SEPTEMBER usu Students’Association at Unitec





Humanity comes first By Amanda Haxton

Two students from Unitec have put aside their cultural differences and rallied to support the millions of people in Pakistan who have been devastated by floods. A month ago Pakistan was hit by the worst flooding the country has ever seen, an estimated 20 million people have been affected. The United Nations estimates around six million of those are children. Umar Ayub and Dilbagh Ashplani have been collecting donations in the Mt Albert Hub during their lunchbreaks and have raised just under $1000. Pakistani Ayub, 24, is completing his masters in computing, while Ashplani, 25, is studying post graduate business and is Indian but was born in Pakistan. The pair had never previously met and were put in contact when they both spoke to USU President Pete Hodkinson about a shared desire to fundraise on campus. Ashplani says there is typically tension between Pakistan and India, but when faced with such extreme natural disaster it is important to put aside their differences. “Humanity has to come first,” he says. “One thing I love about New Zealand is no one cares what country you are from when something like this happens.” The pair have been collecting donations to be sent to Ayub’s former university in Pakistan. There is a need in Pakistan for more volunteers to pack and distribute donated supplies, a task which the Signalian

Alumni Association and current students are undertaking. So far they have raised enough to distribute food and medical supplies to almost 3000 families. As well as water purifiers which will generate clean drinking water. Unitec students have been very generous, says Ayub. The largest donation was $100 from a single person. Because of the exchange rate (1.00 NZD = 60.1181 PKR) even small 10 cent donations make a difference, something

the pair made clear to cash-strapped students. “We are grateful to them all,” says Ayub. Ashplani says that most students at the very least took the time to learn a little about the extent of the devastation. “Some students just came to talk to us to see if there was another way they could help besides money, a way of volunteering.” The Pakistan emergency is said to be more devastating than the Boxing Day tsunami or the Haiti earthquake. There is an urgent need for shelter, clean drinking water, sanitation facilities, food, and medicine. Additionally, the country’s agricultural economy will take years to rebuild. Despite growing international relief efforts millions of people are still without aid and at increased risk of water-borne diseases such as cholera and diarrhoea.

To donate to the Signalian Alumni Association flood relief visit: If you would like to make a online donation the following New Zealand humanitarian agencies are in Pakistan: The Red Cross, Caritas, Christian World Service, Oxfam New Zealand, Save the Children, Tear Fund, Unicef NZ (UN Children’s Fund), and World Vision.


Exec rat race off to a slow start NEWS ROUND UP WITH THE

NEWS HOUND By Amanda Haxton

Hub windows are clear of posters no more with USU Executive nominees transforming the area into campaign central. Of the 15 candidates running only three made a strong poster presence in The Hub area in the first week of campaigning. Current USU President Pete Hodkinson is running for a second term, and has teamed up with Vice President Candidate Shannon Pennefather to run a joint poster campaign. The pair have posters in The Hub area, as well as a large canvas banner. Fellow Presidential candidate, Kevin Mbici, has dominated the Uni Mart Pharmacy area with his posters. There were no posters in The Hub for the third President nominee Seyed Ali Derhamy at the time In Unison went to print.

Natasha Donaldson, Jenine Kendale, Karan Jatakia, Shaun Overton and Umar Ayub entered the poster race in the second week of campaigning. Some candidates have gone beyond a standard poster campaign and have embraced online promotion. Umar Ayub, who is running for Postgraduate Representative, has directed students to his blog, which features a poll asking students if they would vote for him. As this issue went to print 80 per cent of voters ticked the “yeah” option. Shaun Overton has chosen to use his body as a poster, donning a tee shirt saying “Want onions with ur sausage?” Candidates have been slower to start campaigning than in previous years, with many nominees yet to put up posters.

AGM format lame and boring By Amanda Haxton

The USU Students’ Association held its Annual General Meeting (AGM) last week to a lacklustre and unresponsive crowd in The Hub. USU Student President Pete Hodkinson says the purpose of the yearly meeting is to appoint a solicitor and auditor and to propose any new changes to the association’s constitution. Hodkinson proposed making the AGM an online system in the future. In 2011 the AGM will be online and must be voted on by at least 500 students, instead of the current 40 students required. Students will have between five and 10 days to vote online, rather than requiring them to be at The Hub during a small window of time, says Hodkinson. “What we are trying to do here is make constitutional changes in order to ensure students have the option and time to

check [the AGM] out.” “It will be held online instead of in 15 or 20 minutes with whoever happens to be in The Hub.” Hodkinson also proposed extending the maximum term served by a student President from two years to three. Hodkinson says it takes time to make things happen and there is a risk that Presidents will have only just grasped the complicated role before their term ends. Because of a conflict of interest Hodkinson passed the microphone to USU Finance Officer Hamish Walker at one point. Walker moved a motion to increase the President's salary. The meeting also passed a motion to make several gramatical and spelling changes to the constitution. Hodkinson told students "we don't want the constitution to look like it was written by a drunk three three-year-old." year old.


A VENEZUELAN POLITICIAN is flaunting some impressive cleavage to raise money for his - yes that’s right - HIS campaign. Gustavo Rojas, who is running as an alternate for the National Assembly elections, is offering breast implants as the grand prize of his campaign fundraising raffle. SOME PEOPLE take their fan duties to a level that is just disgusting. Who would want to buy their idol’s toilet? Even if it did belong to the late Beatle John Lennon. Well someone did and they paid NZ$20,730 for it at a London auction. The organiser of the Beatles memorabilia auction said “I think it’s the most unusual item we’ve ever had”. WOULD YOU LIKE A KNIFE WITH THAT YOGHURT? No? Well neither did the woman who found a rusty blade in her Strawberry Yoplait Yoghurt purchased from New Plymouth’s Pak ‘n Save. The woman believes the knife probably entered the yoghurt through the lid when staff opened the bulk box. 35-YEARS-OLD AND BACK IN SCHOOL DETENTION? That was the case for one drunk woman who broke into a school and then couldn’t get out. The woman, who is serving a home detention sentence, said she had been using the school as a “shortcut” and somehow got stuck inside. Only in Hamilton. DO YOU HAVE A FRIEND, family member or loved one who eats chocolate on a daily basis? Do you often discover they have been eating chocolate on their own and lying about it? Do they say “it’s just one piece” and then eat until they feel sick? Chocolate addiction is an issue that affects the whole community. Yes that’s right, chocolate addiction. It’s a real thing now. Scientists have found that sugar “addicts” shown their favourite foods experienced a rush of dopamine to the orbital frontal cortex – the same part of the brain that responds when a cocaine addict is shown a bag of white powder.




It’s not the drinking; it’s how we’re drinking By Amanda Haxton POLL FROM WWW.USU.CO.NZ/INUNISON

Sixty four per cent of In Unison online readers think New Zealand should have a zero tolerance drinking driving policy and 22 per cent would like to see the drinking age raised to 20. To coincide with The Eat and Drink issue In Unison asked online readers some questions on alcohol. The results show the majority are in favour of tougher laws for purchasing alcohol and alcohol consumption. However, only 14 per cent of voters would choose a low alcohol beer over standard options. The sale of liquor is under scrutiny after the release of the Government’s alcohol law reform package. The package responds to the Law Commission’s review of alcohol laws contained in the report: Alcohol in Our Lives: Curbing the Harm. Media scrutiny on youth drinking has reached fever pitch over the winter school ball season and reports on underage drinking are almost daily occurrences. Justice Minister Simon Power released a plan late last month which would introduce a graduated approach to purchasing alcohol - 18 years of age for on-licences and 20 years of age for offlicences.

Ready to drink beverages (RTDs) will have an enforced limit of five per cent alcohol content and it will be an offence to provide alcohol to people under 18 without their parents’ consent. But a New Zealand Herald poll showed a majority of 122 Members of Parliament thought underage drinking and the drinking-age issue was only one part of tackling what has been described as New Zealand’s “drinking crisis”. The number of repeat drink-drivers has risen steadily over the past three years, and more than 4000 have been prosecuted already this year. Power says alcohol is estimated to contribute to 1000 deaths a year, and is a major driver of crime. Alcohol is implicated in 30 per cent of all police recorded offences, 34 per cent of recorded family violence, and 50 per cent of all homicides. “What the Government has heard from the New Zealand public is that the pendulum has swung too far towards relaxation of alcohol laws,” says Power. Vote at to share your thoughts on alcohol laws and other topics.


NO 36%

YES 64%

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE CHANGE IN AN ALCOHOL REFORM? Nothing needs to be changed. 22% The drinking age should be raised to 20. 22% The drinking age should be lowered to 16. 11% Only drinkers aged 20 and older should be able to buy alcohol at bottle stores, dairies and supermarkets. 44%

Alan MacDonald


TO IN UNISON? artists, cartoonists, writers and photographers. Email to find out more.







was in year 10 social studies at Cashmere High School in Christchurch. Social studies was a boring subject. We spent the year learning about dairy farming. We went on a field trip to look at a dairy farm on the West Coast. I don’t remember seeing any cows though. We just talked to this farmer who had a moustache and was wearing a sweatshirt and had a threelegged Jack Russell. I don’t remember much about dairy farms. I remember we learned about the negative effects of dairy farms. Though the cows of our country do wonderful things for our economy, they do dreadful things to the land upon which they trot. Mainly it’s

my primary school at night and tryy to dismantle the playground by kickin ng and d pulling at it. I never succeeded. I hated high school. I hated it mo ostly fo or the hideous buildings within which h I wass expected to learn. God. Awful blockkish blocks in a dreadful off-white. It waas like walking through shipping yards. Siide by side with stacks of hideous shipping crates. All fenced off with these vom mit green handrails. Just thinking abou ut it is making me upset. And now I am at Unitec. There arre two pieces of visual pollution at ou ur institution which are currently scraatchingg at my eyelids like rabid rabbit. 1: What the hell was Unitec thinking when they painted the outside of th he

IT WAS UGLY AS ALL HELL. THE SLIDE WAS UGLY. THE FLYING FOX WAS UGLY. THE LARGE NAUGHTS AND CROSSES GAME WAS UGLY. I HATED THAT PLAYGROUND. their shit. It gets into creeks and ruins the waters. It also gets pumped into the ocean by farmers (this isn’t supposed to happen). But another of the effects was visual pollution. This concept stuck with me. What an idea! An easy, concrete and real summing up of something which has driven me to severe rage for the entirety of my life. Visual pollution gets into me through my pupils and slithers around my insides like cockroaches. Why is the world so full of ugly shit? I remember when I was in primary school, we had an amazing wooden fort. The wood was old and beautiful and was strung with thick, browned rope and rusty chain linking. I liked that fort a lot. During the course of my studies at that school the fort was torn down. It was replaced with some primary colour, plastic moulded, safety playground. It was ugly as all hell. The slide was ugly. The flying fox was ugly. The large naughts and crosses game was ugly. I hated that playground. After I got older and moved to high school, I used to go back to

Student Central building down by Building One? Gray? Really? Building On ne is supposed to be the “creative” end d of the campus. That’s where the arts students study and are supposed to find insp piratio on on a daily basis. And yet, what was once a beautiful old brick building, which h gelled nicely with the rest of the bu uildinggs around it and was quite charming, is now w gray and uninspiring. It makes me mad every time I walk past it. 2: Thankfully this one is only temporary. Dear USU Executive Candidates. What’s the deal with yoour posters? Jesus. Wordart? These kin nd of visuals belong in your lecturers’ uglly PowerPoint presentations. They sho ouldn’’t be defacing every bloody wall and makingg everyone who walks past them feell like throwing up. How many design stu udents are there studying at Unitec? Hund dreds right? Why not seek some help from m someone who might be able to do a good or at least acceptable job? Bassed on the posters I’ve seen for this electio on, I certainly have no confidence.



1 HARA ARA A JU J U DIST JUK ISTRIC RICT,T T,TOKY OKYO, O, JAP JAPAN. AN. Every Eve Ev ry Sun u day yo y ung ng peopl oplee gath gather er aro around und t Ha th the Haraj raj a uku Train Station on in a coll collect ection ion of crazy cra zy get getu ups, cost o ume umess and and all ro round und ex excit c ing ensemb mbles les.

2 THE GR G EAT A WA WALL LL OF O CHI CHINA NA SEM MATA AT I,C I,CHIN HINA. A. There The re are fe fewer to ourists ts at th this is par partt of thee wall becaus bec a e it lies e far away fr from om Bejing i .


TUNNEL TUN NELS S DUG BY WW1 AN ANZAC SOLDI L ERS, ARRAS, ARR AS, S FR FRANC NCE. E On y rece Onl r c ntly open eneed to the pu p blic,, these tun unnel n s are named d aft after er New Ze Zeala a nd cities so so diers had sol h a sen nse of direction on. The T tun tu nels housed 25 25,00 ,000 allied troops ops.

4 HÔT Ô EL DE GLA GLACE, CE QUBEC, CANA NADA. D This Iglo gl o hote otell is is re re builit entirely from ro icce, furniture re an and all, every er December.

5 TIG IGER’S NEST ST MO MONAS NA TERY, BHU BH TAN TA . Taktsang g Monast stery ery, also kn known as a thee Tiger’s T Nest, clings to th he slide of a cliff ab a outt 10 10,000 feet above ground in n Bhutan ans’s Par Paro o disttrict.

6 JEL JE LY FIS F H LAKE,, PALA AU. T s Jellyfish Lak Thi a e in the wes w ter te n Pacifi P fic is ha mlesss to visito har ors. 7 TRE TREE E CATH C ATHEDR EDRAL AL IN I BERGAMO, O ITA ALY. LY Design Des igned ed by Giu Giulia liano n Mauri thi t s is “nattura ral archit arc h ecture”.


THE GATES ES OF O HE HELL, LL NE NEW JERSEY. Y The hese se ab abando doned ned tu tunne n ls are said to be the home me of the h dev evilill and an are cove v red r wi w th h satani a c g ffi gra ffiti.

9 RIO TI TINTO O, SPAIN S N. Known Kno wn n as a the “r “red ed riv iver” this run u s thro hrough ugh th he so sou outh-wes outhou w ter tern region of the co count untry. ry. ANNEK AN NE EN PIS NEK S, BRUS BRUSSEL SELS. S. 10 MAN This icon This icon off Be Belgi lgium lgi lg u is um i littera erally lly a pis pissin sing g chil child, d, the town tow n folk folk dr dress ess th thee stat statue ue up in diff differ erent ent ou outfi tfits. ts. As you caan imag magine in ine ne, the thee to tou o risst merc merchan handis disee is is end endles dle lles ess. s

















Coast, and one to Bali don’t make me a travel writer. But I have a support system of friends and family that I can live vicariously through. They can have the travel disasters; I can feel appalled, but not too deeply affected. A bit like watching a reality TV show. So, if you are travelling, look out for these things. TIP 1: Realise that we suffer from Small Town Syndrome. We think everywhere is better and bigger, and think we have to go there. You don’t. TIP 2: If you are going to walk around with a double backpack, front pack, wallet strapped to your chin, IPod in your ears; then you will be mugged. It might be easier to wear a sign saying “Tourist – Please Rob!” TIP 3: If you wear socks and sandals, people will assume you are German. TIP 4: After three days in the UK, you will not be able to distinguish between an Aussie and a Kiwi accent. Do not be afraid of this. When you are a long way from home, and drunk, Aussies are your friends. TIP 5: Do not borrow clothes to wear on the p plane. If yyour mate has spent p the

weekend smoking restricted substan nces the smell will be still in the clothes. The sniffer dogs will be all over you at the airport. The authorities will searcch everywhere! TIP 6: Like busses in the sky most peop ple on planes will ignore you. The ones who don’t, and appear very nice and frien ndly, are probably intending to sell you intto slavery. TIP 7: If travelling with a group, nevver pool money for food or alcohol. There is a Judas in every group. TIP 8: When in Rome, do as the Rom man ns do. It was true two thousand years ago, and it is still true today. If the sign says don’t have sex on the beach, then don n’t. You might get on 60 Minutes, but th he Middle Eastern authorities won’t carre. They like to make examples of westerrn debauchery. TIP 9: If you wake up one morning,, a long way from home, with a hangoveer, and a diseased, ravaged, hairy person n nexxt to you that you may have just slept with, 20 years from now, when you are old d, you u can pretend you had a much better tiime on your trip than you really did. (Leaave quietly, try not to wake them)

$40 ticket etss to to U2. Ligers. Ha H lf lio lion n half halff ti t ger ge cu cubs b were wer e born born at a Tai Taiwan wan an zo oo. o The T y are so da dam m cute ute. Scented CDs. Pop pr princ incess ess Ka Katy ty Pe Per e ry ry’ss late latesst alb bum smells l lilike ke candyflos can oss. s. The new Glassons flagship store on Bro oadw dway, a Ne Newmarket. t Kiwi visual merrchandisin sing has a fina y pick finall c ed up its ga g me. e Curves, as seen on Christina Hendricks. The voluptuous Mad Me Men star whose cup p size is a natural triple D (DDD) cup is paving g th t e way a for more so called cal ed “p plus u size” actre t sses on o TV screens. our


GOING DOWN Cruelty to animals. Putting cats in rubbish bins and using cat pu pies as basketballs is pup d gus dis gu ting. The new clothing linee by M onn Mad o a and Lou L rdes. Mutton o dreesse ssed d as lamb or lamb dresse ssed a mut as mutton to ? The Suffragist Steps at Kharto r oum place c on Lor o ne Str S eet. Maybe. Wi With th the neew look A kland Auc d Gal Galler lery opening soon theere is hea heated ted de debate about the future u of th thee icon iconic ste st ps. Paris Hilton. Sh She’s e’ be been a nau ughty girl r , agai a ain.. Wil Wi l she he d the ti do timee or jus ju t the he Lin ndsayy Lohan an versio ion n of of it? it? Tanned skin. It’ It’ss aalll abo about u porcelain n ap a par parent ently. ly I bel believ evee fashionis nistas tas sa sayy this this ev every ery season… …





THIS IS THE THIRD AND FINAL PART OF MY CHRONICLING OF ALL THE PEOPLE I FELT, IN SOME WAY OR ANOTHER, EROTICALLY TOWARDS BETWEEN THE AG ES OF FOUR AND 18. THIS LIST IS CONCLUSIVE AND FACTUALLY ACCURATE. (NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED FOR “LEGAL REASONS”.) When Wh hen n In Un Unis iison is son on las aast st le left left ft Joos osep sep eph he he had ad juussstt b en be e dittch chedd by hi h s si s xtth fo form rrm m forrma mal daate t, Geor Ge orgie gie. She gi he hadd gon one ne an and nd ho hook okedd up wi oked wiith th an th Arrge Ar g nt ge ntin i ea e n ex exch chhanggee stu chan tude dentt. GEORGIE STYLER (par (par (p art rt tw wo) o): Th Thee mo m orn rnin ng af a te t r tth he fo orm mal I wokke up hung hu ngov o eerr, fe ov feeelling l g awfu f l an fu nd sp pen nt the th he da dayy c yi cr ying ng. Th Thee on only only ly tim ime I le lefftt the left he house ousee was ou as to o tra rave vell tto ve o the sup per e ma mark rkkett. I bo b ugght a bott bo ttle tt l of C Co oca oca c -C Colla aan nd so ome m Cru unc n hi hiee Barr ic Ba icee cr crea eaams ms.. The wh hol o e wa way there th h e an and d back ba ck I lisstene ck n d to ne t the hee Oas asis s son on ng “S “ to t p Cryi Cr ying yi ying ng Your our He ou Hear Hear artt Ou Out” t and d qui uiet etly ly,, tend te nder nd e lyy sun er ung it to myyse ung self lf und der my brrea eath th. I geenu nuin in nel e y thou th hou ug h htt it it wou ould u d loo o k liike ke a beeaaut utiifful utif ullyy trraaagi gic/ gic/ gi cp po oet eticc/r /rom om man antiic anti im mage agge fo for an nyo yone ne who saw w or he h aarrd me m . Like Li ke somet ometthi om hing hing n from m a mo m vi vie. e That Th aatt nig ig h htt it rraain ined ned ed and nd I rem mem embe ber go oin ing ou out be b caaus u e I waant nted ed to d ed do o thee sam a e thin th thin i g in i th hee raiin. n I th thou ou ough ugh g t it it wou uld d make akke itt eveen mo m re r trag tr aggic ic/p c/p /poe oeti oe tic/ tic/ c beeau a tiifu f ll.. I got o reaallyy we wet an and nd di didn dn’tt seeee any nyon one wh whil ile I w waas wa walk lkin kin ngg.. Wate Wa t r ggo te ot in into to o my M MP P3 pl play a err and ay d it b okke. br e Whe hen n I wo woke ke up th ke he nextt morrni ning ng tth her erree w waaass a lett leett tter er fro rom Ge Geor orgie orgi gie in gi n my

mail ma ilbo ilbo box an box and nd I im imme medi d attel e y fe fell lll in lo ove ve with herr aggai he a n. n Th Thiinggs go ot to be th he sa s me as they they th ey werre be befo efo oree and nd we spen spen sp ent al all of all o f ou urr tiime tog ogget e he her. r. r. I neveer me ment ntio nt i ned th io t e hu urrtt I felt fr from om m wh w heen n sh hee ho oo o oke ked u ked ke up p wit ith th th the Ar Arggeent ent ntin ntin nea ean but I he bu h ld onto itt in caase we ev eveer wen nt outt th ou then hen en bro oke up and d I need ded d things tto o use ag us aggai ains ains ai nst st he her. er. r. Th Thiinggs ev even ntu tual ual a ly ly gott to th he sa s me m pseud u oud o romantic sta taatee aga g in in. n. Once On c , wee werre att her house se and nd d we we were rree watc wa t hi tc h ngg a film m in her liv ivingg ro r om wit ith h he h r faamily lyy and nd we we w re r holding n handss and I pu p ut my my hand and on an on her er thi high gh (un und deer heer skkirrt) t) a d ru an ub bb bed e herr thi high g . It was ten gh nse. That Th at nigght h we weere in n bed (in a tentt, in n sep epar arat arat ate sl ate slee slee eepi ping ng bag ags) ags) s) an nd d we we were re talkin ta talk lkingg.. We we lk were re say re a in ingg thin ngs likke “itt feels fe ls riigh ht”” and d “bu but I d do on’’t wantt to lo l ssee what wh at we haave ve” aan nd I so omeeho how lo ost sel e f-co cont o tro rol an a d kisssed her. It was a rea e llyy ba b d. d Id diidn dn’t ’t kno ow ho how ow to to kiisss ss an and wa and was affra was raiid d t mov to ovee myy mou uth h or to onggue in n ca c se tth h hat onl nlyy happ happ ha pen e ed in movies e . She di dd dn n’tt do any nyth thin thin ng eeiith herr. W Wee jus ust st ha had ou had ur li lips ps ps prres p esse sed se d to oge g th ther er for o abo out a min nut ute. e. Afteerw Af r arrds ds it ds, i wass reaall llyy de d prresssiing ng.. That Th at was at as my fi firs rst real rst rs real re al kis iss. s. I t w waas ho horr rrib ible le.

IN UNISON FEATURE For a wh hilee af a te t r thatt we we were re in th this awkw aw kwar a d li limb imb m o, we wo woul woul uld st uld stilll sp pen end aalll ou ur ttiime togethe h r bu b t it waass rea eall l y te tens n e. e One da d y it was reall l y ho ot. We we w rree sittti tn ngg on heerr cou on ouch ch (le leat eat ather) her)) and he nd no on one el one ellse see waass homee and d it wa w s too te t nse so o I triied d to kiss ki s her e aga gain ga i . This tim in me I decid ded to ded to tryy and kkiiss an and ss lik ike in in a movie ovviee, eevvven o en if itt mad en de me see e m st s up upid. It was reaall llyy am amazin ingg an nd I wa was touchi hiing her fac ace an a dh haair ir and d ever e yt y hingg lik ikee wh hen n Tim kis issess Dawn Dawn at Da th he een nd of Th The Office. e We wen We nt ar arou round ound ou d and d kisse isse is sed in n eveery ry room m of heer ho h us use. After tha h t we werre

my mum m um to let Ge G or o gie giie st stay aayy wit i h us u aatt my Au Aunt Aunt ntie ntie ie Sus usan n’’ss hou ousee for ouse or a bit it . Geeor G o gi g e and an nd I ssllep ept in the conse s rv rvat a orr y on at o sepa se epa para rate ra a e bed e ro r lls. Myy Daad sa said d there r was to be “n to no funn funn fu ny bu bussiine nesss” wh ness whic iicch sso oun u ds ds f ke fa ke, bu b t is acttu uaallly w wh hatt he said id d. Wee taalk l ed til i l re r allly ly lat atee at nig i ht ht and deccid ded d to hav to ave in nte terrccou ours rse. rse. rs e. It wa was pr preetttyy ten ense nse se an and n weentt on fo f r a lo long ngg tim i e. e I was a wor o rriieed d Aunt Au ntie tiiee Sus u aan n wou uld ld wal allk in in. In I the h morn mo rn rnin ning in ng we we wen nt fo forr a waalk and d smi mile led le ed and ca an call all l ed d eacch otthe h r “l “ ovver e ”. ” But tto Bu owa ward rd ds th the en nd of of the he yea e r th thin hin ings gs ggo ot baad. d. Geo eorg rggiee was a goi o ngg to bee mov ovin ingg

I SOMEHOW LOST SELF-CONTROL AND KISSED HER. IT WAS REALLY BAD. I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO KISS AND WAS AFRAID TO MOVE MY MOUTH OR TONGUE IN CASE THAT ONLY HAPPENED IN MOVIES. b yfri bo rien end en d and giirllfrie i nd d. Th That a was the onlyy time on im me I waas ha h pp ppy py aatt higgh sccho ool ol.. On O e tiime me we ki k sssed e in n th he mu m siic de depart rtme rt ment me n ’ss nt sttorag a e clos ag l set. t At At first stt, Ge Geor eo gi gie did didn di dn’t want wa nt otth nt her her e peo eopl p e to pl to kno now ab abou bou out us us, so o we had a to ki k sss in places lik ikke th hatt. W Wee wen ent n on n a triip tto o Arthu rtthu h rr’’s Pa P ss tog o et ethe ethe h r. r We took the train and d went on longg waalkks in n thee bu b sh h and n wore th nd t errmals. Wee wer ere b ere bo oth h virgi irrggiins ns and nd tal alke alke ked abou ut haavi v ngg intercourse. We We wen e t to th he Ar A thur u ’s Pas a sG Geeneraal Stto orre tto o buy u cco on nd dom oms, s, jus ust in in cas ase, ase, e, but I was as too o embaarrassed to t buy them. m I th hiink nk iff we bo ou ugh ht th hem m, we w would ld hav ld avee ha had had inte teerccou ours rse. e. On th that hat at triip I ga g ve v her er ora ral ral seex fo or the fi firs rstt ti rs t me. I di didn dn n’tt kno ow wh what at to do to o,, but ut I tri ried ied ed my be bestt. I thin thin th ink it ink it ween nt welll. At At onee poi o nt n I putt a breeatth mi m nt n in my mouth ou u h because I read th hat a tha h t wa ha w sa good go good d thi hing ing ng to d do o. Wee were togeeth W t er for o alm mos o t a ye year a. Som meetimees Geor o giie would d ge get an a gry wi w th t me an me nd d cal all ll me me a “go gorm go rm mlleess ss pup uppyy ” or uppy or woul uld ld gett ma m d at me fo or beeing “m “mor oros ose” e”. e” W were prett We tty hap a py p toggeetther. her I wrote he tee p et po etry r y for her ry er (hone ho onest sttlyy). ) At on o ep po oin nt, t, my fam a illy ha h d to mov ovve h ho ous u e an nd th her ee waas aab w bou out a mo month ntth be beetw tween tw een uss mov ee ovin ing out o off our old hou use se and d int nto o ourr n w on ne one. I spe pent thr pe h eee weeeks liv i ingg at Georgi Geor Ge orrgi gie’ e s wh whil ile my ile my fam amiilly stay stay st ayed yed ed wit ith th v riious va ou u relaati t vees. s Then en her e mum u had d thi hiss we weir ird d me ment ntal nt a brea br rea eaakd kdow kd dow wn th thin ing wh while whil ile dr il drivvin ing ho hom ome me and nd squi sq u rt rted d her er water e bot o tlle at a Geo eorg rggiee an nd d heer siist h ster ter e Car a in i . Ge G or o gi gie’ iee’’s M Mu um an and d Dad were we r con re nst stan an ntlly on on the fri riitz t . I conv co onv n iin nced ceed

aawayy the nex extt year yeear ar. Sh he th hou o ght gh ht wee migh mi ght ht as as welll br breakeakk--up ea up soo ooner oone ner rraath ne ther er t aan th n later atter er.. Ar Arou rou und n thi h s ttiimee my ba hi band nd nd won n th he Ca C nt nteerrbury r Roc o k Qu Ques estt an and d Geeo G Geor orrgi rgi gie came gie caam mee and nd was as beiing ng wei eiird rd. rd d. Sh She he was we wa w irrd al a l niigh g t. I reall l y wa ll want nted nt ed to ed o ho hold ld herr th he hatt nig ight ht No ht. ht Norm rmal aallly ly I likke to to sle leep e by ep myysseelff on myy sid i eo off the h bed ed (ot o he herw r wis rw isee thee ot th othe the h r pe pers rsson n sti t ck cks to o you u and n the heir irr haiirr geetts in ha in you our fa faccee)).. But ut tha hat at n niigh ight ght I gh w s reeal wa ally lyy hap pp pyy and nd wan a te ted d Geor Georggiie to Ge bee hap b ppy py too. oo. Sh oo Shee ro olllled awaay frrom me though th ou ugh gh. h I wa wass drop droppi dr oppi op p ng n her e at wo orkk in th t e morn mo morn nin ng wh when she tol old ld mee she he had d pllan p anneed to to breeakk up wi with h me afte afte af terr th the show sh ow w. SSh he to he old l me sh he h haad d deevelo e lo ope p d ffeeellin i gs gs for a guy uy nam ameed d Jac acks k on on, who wh ho s e meet wh sh when she wass a lea when e de derr att a YMC CA camp ca mp. Sh mp mp. he brrok o eu up p wit i h mee in th he caar parkk of Po pa Post stie ie Plu luss.. I lis lus. i te tene ene ned ed to o R ad adio diio o Haaur u aki akki on n th hee wayy hom ome beecaausse my my car didn dn n’tt have avve an n FM rraadi d o. o JOANNE TAN: I di didn dn’t ’tt thi h nk abo bout ut anyo an yone n at my sch choo hoo ol roma ro om nti nttic ical ally ly afft fter fter er o du or urrin ng Ge Geor eor orggiie. e. Butt Joa oann ann nne wa nne was in in my Japaneese Japa Ja s claasss thr h ou ugh g ou ut hi high ggh h sch hoo ool. l. I allw waays ys th ho oug ug h htt sh hee wass rea eally llly pr pretty pret eettty ty and dI a waayyss had a stupi al p d sttereo pi ereo er eoty typi p ca c l fa fant n asy nt assy aab bou out ut ha havi a ingg an As A iiaan giirl rlfr rlfr f ieend d. Jo oan anne nee waas rreeal was ally beeaaut utif tifful ul, sh shy hy an and in inte telllllig igen ig entt.. I th thin hin nk I on only lyy talke allk d to o her er onccee.. It w waas in Japane Ja nese ne s claasss and nd d was as abo bout u Jap pan nes ese. ese. e KIM ELLIOT: Ev Everr yo y nee at my m sch choo o l had ha d a crrus ush on ush o Kim im Ell llio lli iot. ot She he wass “th the he h tt ho ttes tes estt ggiirl in sc sccho hool ho o ”. ol ”. Th Thee maaiin pa p rtt of

the at the a tr t actiion forr mee howeve veer, was that sh he wa was re was rela rela latteed to to a leg egen enda daary d aryy Cante ante an terrb bury ur y ur an nd Ne N w Ze Zeal a and al and pa an p cee bow wle l r.. Phyysi s ca c lly, y I wa wasn n’tt that hat attracted ha d to her. I th hou ught gh ht ssh he h haad reeal allyy hai airy r y arm ry ms an and an and an evil vil fa vi face accee, but I im bu magin ned d bei e ngg her boyyfrieend and nd b comi be coming co ng friends ds witth he h r Uncle. Un n e. ERIKA WILKIE: Er Erika w waas the th h on only ly othe the her gi girl irll off maajjo or ro r ma m nt ntic ic imp ic m o orrta tanc n e in in my lif my i e. e Sh hee wass rea eall eall llyy be beau eau auti auti t fu ul. l. Pos ossi ossi s bl by the mo th ostt bea eaut uttiful ifful girl I’ve ever had haad th t e reemo motest mote test te st of ro roma man nttic ic atttac ach hm ments enttss to. Sh en hee had th hiss small gap p in n he her fron ont teeet on eth h that m de her smile reall ma llly ggrreaat and d al also s had ad d eyes ey es that hat we ha weere re sma re mallll but ut inc n redi redi re dibl bly wa bly warm rm. I fell fe ll in n love lo with lo hE Errik ika. She h had d a boyyfrrie iend d. Hee was thi H h s co c oll guy who played d in n coo ol baan nd ds an and di d d ggrraap ph hiic deesi sign sign n, na name name med Ne med N iill. E ika Er ikka an nd he h had d beeen to t ge g th herr for o yea e rs and d sh he w waasn s ’’tt hap appy p wit iitth th hi him m an nym ymorre b byy th he ti time me we me me met. t t. W used We seed to o ema mail i eacch ot othe h r a ri rd diicu ulo l uss amou am amou oun ount ntt. Sh he wo woul oul uld ld fi fini nish nish ni h alll herr tex ext xt m ss me s agges es “- E” E . We got on reeallly ly welll. l I went we ntt to tth n he Av Avon onsi on siide Gir irls llss Hig i h af a teerr form fo rm rmal mall parrtyy at he her ho hous usee.. He Her bo boyyffri rien end leeftt, bu butt I st stay ayyed e and n hel e pe ped d he herr clleaan up. Errik E ika ussed d to teextt me to t com omee pick piickk herr up fro up om p paarrtties ies (at ie (at wh (a whiicch sh he go got ot real real re allly ly ly drr nk) drun k and n dri rive ve heerr ho ve om me. e One n tim me sh he waas so s dru unkk she he cou ould ld harrdl ld dly ly b brrea rea e tth he. e. I got ou go o to off bed at tw two o in in thee morni orrni ning ngg to go gett her go er fro om th t e othe h r side d of town w and ta and an takkee her er ho om me (a (als allsso th the otthe her side her siide de of to own n). ). We satt in my We my carr tha h t niiggh ht fo or thre ree hour ho urs. urs. s Shee hel eld ld my my han and in incr incr cred dib iblyy tight ibly igght ht and an d ke k ptt say ayin ingg sh in s e ap appr prrecia p eccia iate t d me whi hile I sttrok ro oke ked her her ha hair hair ir.. Sh She aassked ed me to o wa w lkk her insi in side d beeccaau ussee shee could ould ou ldn’ dn t wa walk lk pro rop peerl errllly. yy.. I’m I’ m pr pret e ty et ty sur u e sh he wa w s co c ming miing ng on to o mee but I di bu didn didn dn’t ’t wan ’t antt aan nytth hiing to ha happen en b ca be c us u e sh he ha had d a bo b yf y ri r end en nd an and d waas reeal a lyy drun dr un nk. k Bu B t re r al ally lyy, I did d wa w nt som metthi h ng n to happen happ ha ppen pp n. We We had ad thi his re his real allly ly lo ly on ng/ ng/ g/kkn g/kn n now ow o win win ing hu ug. g A we weekk lat a er we bo both t tri ried ed mar ariijuaana n fo or the th he fi firs rst ti rs time me. It It was as awf w fu ull. E Errik ika reeacte ted te d baadl d y to it an and d weent n whi h te and n waas th hro owing ingg up. It se seemed d likke sh she wa w s goin goin go ng to to diee. Itt was as ho orrribl ribl ri ble aan nd sc scar aryy bu ar b t, t, evven e whe hen n sh he wa wass vomi m ting mi n int nto o a bu buck cckket, sh he llo ookked ook d bea eaut utif ifull. I go g t so sca care areed t att I leefft an th nd dr d ovve ho home m . On n the he wayy home m I tho me houg ugght abo b utt her and d dec ecid ided e I couldn co ulldn u dn’tt kee eep p se seei seei eing in ngg her er bec ecau ause se shee had da boyyffri bo rien end. en d Eve d. ven th t ou o gh g I tho oug ught h we were ht in lovve wi w th h eacch otthe h r. I th t ough g t I wa w s bein bein be ing no nobl ble, e, but ut I think hiink h nk rea ealllly, eall ly, I was as being eingg ei stup st upid id. id d I li l terall llly di didn dn’tt seeee Erika aga g in or ga spea sp peaak to her e for o ano noth ther th herr three e years. ea . ea THE TH E EN END. D I HO D. H PE YOU ENJ N OY YED MY LIFE LIFE LI FE FE.














THURSDAY 16TH SEPTEMBER INTERNATIONAL FOOD DAY THE HUB, BUILDING 180 10AM - 2PM Don’t bring your boring old sandwich! Come along to The Hub to ld. tantalise your taste buds and try exotic food from all over the world.

TUESDAY DAY 21ST SEPTEMBER SEPT EPTEM PTEM EMBER USU FREE FILM - THE BLIND SIDE Basement Lecture Theatre Waitakere The Blind Side is the true story of a Memphis family who go out of their way to help out a young, impoverished student. 5.30pm



WAITAKERE COMEDY NIGHT Featuring the stars of the hit Seven Days show: Ben Hurley, Simon McKinney and Paul Ego. $5 Presale Tickets (from USU reception) $10 Door Sales (if not sold out prior) Doors Open 7pm SATURDAY 18TH SEPTEMBER HARBOUR BRIDGE JUMP $100 Includes transport, bungy jump and t-shirt. Register at USU reception or email

FRIDAY 24TH SEPTEMBER USU FOOTBALL WORLD CUP Unitec Rugby Fields, Mt Albert Once again USU presents the Football World Cup! There will be a BBQ lunch and prizes for the winners. From 10am

DOG SEES GOD: CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE BLOCKHEAD The Basement Theatre, Lower Greys Avenue Drug abuse, suicide, sexual experimentation, eating disorders, teenage angst and rabies, the innocent Peanuts kids have reached ttheir teenage years and things just got dark! This is the “unauthorised” g account of Charlie Brown and friends. Tickets $20 for Adults Concessions $16 available from iTicket







The platform was deserted. We made our way to a pay phone, struggled to read the instructions, but eventually managed to call our host Shoji. We waited. We were in Kyoto, Japan. It was the middle of winter, late at night, pitch black and we were waiting for a complete stranger to pick us up and take us to stay at his house. It may seem like a giant leap of faith, but this is the basic principle of Couch Surfing: put your trust in complete strangers and go stay at their houses, for free, anywhere in the world. The project started in America in 2004 and is now the world’s largest hospitality exchange network. With over two million members in 237 countries Couch Surfing internationally networks people and places, giving travellers a true cultural experience. It's free, with an expectation that you give back, although you are not obliged to do so. Couch Surfing’s creators aim to change not only the way we travel, but how we, as humans, relate to the world. Like most things in life, Couch Surfing is not without its dangers. There have been the occasional incidents where solo female travellers have been subject to sexual harassment. Last year a man was

sentenced to 10 years in jail for raping a Chinese woman who surfed with him in Leeds, England. It was the first and only incident of this kind in the website’s six year history. Last year’s records showed that of the 1.25 million stays which have been organized since 2004, 99.6 per cent of users considered their experiences as positive. Negative feedback usually concerns nothing more serious than a last minute cancellation. We knew of these dangers when we first emailed Shoji. We had reserved beds at a backpackers in case things turned ugly, but our fears proved unwarranted and we quickly cancelled our reservations. Shoji turned out to be a friendly and excitable man in his early 40s. He drove us through a remote Kyoto suburb, pointing out local attractions in broken English as we went by.


We pulled up to a small traditional Japanese house; two storied, the floor lined with tatami mats, paper walls and sliding doors. Shoji didn’t live here. He lived with his wife and three daughters at a nearby residence. This was, I guess you could say, his “spare” house, used purely to host the hundreds of travellers who contact Shoji on their quest to experience the real Japan. We took off our shoes and made our way into the guest house. That first night we shared a room with six other travellers; one young couple from

was one exception, a hole in one of the paper doors with a message next to it which read “Shoji, the sake bar you recommended was amazing, I am so sorry I walked through the door”. Throughout the guest house there are souvenir gifts and tokens of gratitude, Union Jack tea towels or koala bear key chains. Shoji has offers to stay in almost any country and city in the world, and yet he has never travelled further than Japan’s capital. He’s a busy man, working on his family farm during the day and as a volunteer counsellor at a crisis call centre during the night. In his spare moments he ferries “surfers” to and from bus and train stations. He’s lost track of how many travellers he has hosted. On his profile there are positive references from over 200 Couch Surfing members, but word of his hospitality spreads quickly amongst other travellers. It wasn’t until our last evening in

A HOLE IN ONE OF THE PAPER DOORS WITH A MESSAGE NEXT TO IT WHICH READ “SHOJI, THE SAKE BAR YOU RECOMMENDED WAS AMAZING, I AM SO SORRY I WALKED THROUGH THE DOOR”. Malaysia, an Australian pair in their forties, a solo American man and a woman from Hong Kong. Shoji provided us with maps and pointed out the best attractions, explained how to use the train system and told us where the best and cheapest restaurants were. We stayed at the guest house for over a week and didn’t pay a cent. Some nights we were alone and other times the house was full. When we met Shoji he had been running the guest house for around six months. The communal sleeping arrangements consisted of traditional futons spread out over two levels, with anywhere from one to 20 guests staying on any given night. The walls were adorned with messages written in marker pens. Despite the different languages each message was essentially the same thing; a heartfelt message of appreciation to the man who had welcomed them in. And of course, an offer to return the favour. There

Kyoto that Shoji had a chance to sit down and chat as a person rather than our surrogate travel guide. That evening we were with an Australian couple who were biking their way around the world, starting in London, and Couch Surfing the whole way. The woman raised the question we were all thinking, why did Shoji host these hundreds of people when he got nothing for it in return? Shoji struggled to put an explanation into English. “I love Kyoto, yes?” He asked us. “Yes,” we replied. He nodded. “Want everyone else love Kyoto too,” he said with a smile. Within the Kyoto, online and Couch Surfing communities, Shoji’s house is famous. Countless travel blogs and guides describe positive experiences staying in the guest house. Kelsi Herman, from Korea says; “While searching for Shoji’s house, I walked into a small tempura


restaurant and immediately they pulled out a small map of Shoji’s Couch Surfing house. Incredible. I knew right there that this place would be unforgettable. If you in Kyoto, make sure you stay with Shoji!” My stay at Shoji’s house was not my first encounter with Couch Surfing. A friend introduced me to the concept, set up my online profile and helped me reach the first level of verification by “vouching” for me. Six months later I drove into the Auckland CBD to Base, a backpacker’s hostel. Here I loitered in my car nervously before picking up Tim, an American who had been teaching English around the world for the past two years. I took Tim for dinner and a drink with some friends and then on a mini mission up Mt Eden volcano to check out the view. I dropped him back at the hostel and we parted ways. Complete strangers, hanging out. A few days later I met up with a girl named Trisha from Orange County and invited her to join my local pub quiz team. Every few weeks I receive emails from travellers keen to meet up for a drink, be shown the sights or just meet a New Zealand local. After leaving Shoji’s Kyoto house we headed to Tokyo, here we met Jen and Nicola, introduced them to Couch Surfing and naturally sent them to Shoji’s. Three weeks later they came and stayed with us in New Zealand and we remain close friends.

WHAT IS COUCH SURFING? Couch Surfing is a free, internet based organisation that connects “surfers” with potential “couches” they can stay at. Members provide detailed information and pictures . There is a personal “vouching system” . The first basic safety step is to check if a person has been vouched for. Members can search for hosts using parameters such as age, location, gender and activity level. The terms of the stay are generally worked out in advance to the convenience of both parties. No monetary exchange takes place except for compensation of incurred expenses (e.g. food). Much like Trade Me, members can leave references about their host or guest. Instead of accommodation, members can provide guide services or travel-related advice. Members organise activities such as camping trips, bar crawls, meetings, and sporting events.






IS a white tee shirts n t wear n’t or trance music, do ur neck, aren’t a u don’t love house yo yo If as G: big IN as s RN ep WA - then CONTENT m, don’t have bic tasy fuelled binge awled all over the ur face off in a ecs with messages scr enjoy chewing yo n’t do or ute stit eastern bloc pro for you. Ibiza may not be



IBIZA IS BEAUTIFUL, an oasis of crystal clear blue seas and white sand beaches lying between Roman era castles. This Mediterranean island has some of the finest examples of late Carthaginian-Punic civilization and little cafes with cheap beer and delicious Mediterranean food. But fuck that right? Ibiza isn’t know for its old buildings, this is party central, the natural home of dance music freaks from across Europe - their paradise of repetitive, nauseating beats. And damn it - that’s what I’m here for too. Thankfully, I have good company. In our team of Ibiza adventurers we have: Angela, a party girl who’s managed to sweet talk her way around every door man she’s ever encountered. The beautiful duo of Maya and Vanya Croatian born, New Zealand raised DJs who are travelling the world on their quest to become superstar producers. But forget the beautiful people, let’s get back to the freaks. Try and picture this: two giant rooms with

A WELL MUSCLED SPANIARD DIRECTS THE GIRLS INTO THE NON PAYMENT QUEUE WHILE I, IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, GET PUSHED INTO THE TICKET AREA. WELL DRESSED GIRLS GET VIP - ANGUS GETS THE BUM'S RUSH. terraces surrounding both hangers. Now fill that space with throbbing bass and cutting treble. Chuck in a mix of meat headed muscle men, goofy looking German guys and English men and woman wearing clothing you would pick up in a late 90s Halenstiens sale. Add a pinch of confused, wild-eyed teenage girls. Then, for good measure, put into the broth the most amazing, seductive, dancers grinding and gyrating in cages and stages above and behind you. Oh, but there’s a catch. To enjoy this menagerie of humanity you must pay a minimum of 25 Euro to get in. Drinks, even water, start at 10 Euro each.

Into this madness we went. The club is aptly named Amnesia. Mya and Vanya are DJing here in a day’s time. We have wrist bands which supposedly guarantee free entry, but I know it’s too good to be true. A well muscled Spaniard directs the girls into the non payment queue while I, in no uncertain terms, get pushed into the ticket area. Well dressed girls get VIP Angus gets the bum’s rush. With little sympathy for my plight, I was told the cost was 25 Euro (otherwise known as $50NZD). I had to get in; I had to see what all the hype was about. So I paid and took the financial pain. When the girls heard how much I was stung for Angela generously offered to get a round of drinks, this was a bad call. Drinks set her back 40 Euro. But now we all knew the score - this was not a drinking environment. Due to Mya DJing, and wearing an amazing outfit with killer heels, I was begrudgingly allowed into the VIP area. Standing in awe of the dancers below me, I cracked up a conversation with an Aussie guy. While trying to get the lay of the land I introduced him to Angela, who was frantically working to tighten her top in an attempt to fit in with the scantily clad Russian dancers. He put his hand out to shake hers, but in true Angela style, she decided to flash him her tits instead - yes, yes what the fuck. He swung round and asked me if she was on drugs."No" I said, “just high on life”. On the two massive stages were; so called “trance master” Armin van Buuren, and the S-Man Roger Sanchez. Both big names in their own right. (Although I can’t remember the last time Sanchez released an album anyone listened to.) I knew I was out of place, it might have been that I wasn’t wearing a white, low cut tee shirt - the uniform of male clubbers in Ibiza. Or perhaps it was that I have long hair (a no-no for your average hard core dancer). Whatever it was I’m going to get it right on Wednesday. With Maya and Vanya playing there is no way I’m paying to get in. I’m buying the glow sticks and the fluorescent rimmed sun glasses. Damn taste and dignity - this is Ibiza baby!

usu Students’Association at Unitec






VIETNAM IS A FANTASTIC COUNTRY TO TRAVEL THROUGH. The transport is efficient; the history is


fascinating, the food is amazing and best of all you can do it for around $30 NZD per day. Flights from New Zealand arrive in Ho Chi Minh City which sits at the bottom of a long, skinny piece of land that is Vietnam. On arrival in Ho Chi Minh City you need to pay for a tourist visa (about $25USD) before embarking on your adventure. American dollars (USD) are gladly accepted, although it’s best to get some Vietnam Dong pretty quickly to avoid being ripped off in the currency conversion. Downtown Ho Chi Minh City is a chaotic, bustling place. Baguette stalls on every corner selling freshly baked baguettes with cream cheese, harking back to the country’s French influences. Bars sell cocktails for around $3NZD and tiny old women walk the streets with huge woven baskets on their shoulders. ANZ ATM machines come as a surprise amongst the abundant “Good Morning Vietnam” movie merchandise and

WE JUMPED OFF THE BOAT, WENT SNORKELLING AND HAD A BUFFET LUNCH – WHICH INCLUDED LOCAL BEER. THE LOCAL TOUR GUIDES GOT A LITTLE TOO INVOLVED WITH THE BEER, WHICH RESULTED IN US HAVING A SMALL CRASH INTO THE PIER WHEN WE TRIED TO DOCK AGAIN! paraphernalia that lines the streets. There is much to see in Ho Chi Minh City, but the most memorable experience was visiting the Cu Chi Tunnels and the War Remnants Museum. The Cu Chi tunnels are an immense network of connecting underground pathways (121kms long) that were used by the Viet Cong guerrillas during the Vietnam War.

The tunnels are tiny, those few open to the public have been hollowed out, but I was still too tall to crawl on my hands and knees through them. Instead, you have to squat and edge yourself through the pitch blackness – an activity not for the claustrophobic or those scared of the dark! We followed this adventure with a trip to the War Remnants Museum which exhibited old war relics; planes, canons, guns and photos. The devastating results of the Vietnam War can still be seen today, with people still suffering from loss of limbs and severe deformities as a result of the Agent Orange used by the American troops during the war. In Ho Chi Minh City we paid $25USD for a Vietnam bus pass. This meant that we could ride this bus (specifically for tourists) from one end of the country to the other, stopping off wherever we pleased along the way. From Ho Chi Minh we took a 10 hour bus to the next substantial city called Nha Trang. Nha Trang is Vietnam’s version of the Gold Coast. The city is centred on a very commercial looking beach. One of the coolest things to do here is go on a boat tour. We jumped off the boat, went snorkelling and had a buffet lunch – which included local beer. The local tour guides got a little too involved with the beer, which resulted in us having a small crash into the pier when we tried to dock again! From Nha Trang we took a 12 hour overnight trip to Hoi An, a heritage city and my favourite Vietnamese destination. The cobbled streets were perfect for riding a bicycle along. We biked for about 3kms alongside a river and came out at the most beautiful, pristine beach. There were no hotels on it, no shops, just endless golden sand and surf. Hoi An is a great place to spend some money. You can get any type of clothing or shoes you desire custom made within 48hours. I designed myself some made-to-measure leather sandals and I received them back two days later. I was also tempted by the tailors who made fantastic looking winter coats – but the thought of carrying a winter coat around in my already packed to the brim backpack forced me to reconsider. The next town we stoped in was Hue (pronounced hoy-aye). We arrived in the middle of a storm and Hue looked like Venice; the water in the streets reached






BEING BE NG IN I CUB CUBA UBA A IS IS LIKE LIKE BE BEING ING G TR TRANS RANSPOR ANSPOR PORTED TED THROU OUGH UGH G TIME. We fel TIME.  eltt th this is tim imee sh shif iftt th thee mo ome ment nt we left the hee

our mid thighs. There was no other choice but to drink beer all day in the bar next door. Hue is famous for its historic architecture a number of Vietnamese Royals have been buried in Hue over the centuries and the tombs are extravagant. In Hue’s Citadel lies the Imperial City, the grounds of which are surrounded by stone, and the walls are surrounded by a moat. The city was made a UNESCO site in 1993. The buildings that still remain are being restored and preserved. Unfortunately, most of the buildings were destroyed during the Vietnam War – bullet holes are still evident in some of the stone. In Hue we decided to pay a little more money to take the luxury transport to Hanoi – a sleeper bus. This bus was filled with three rows of bunk beds, one row down each side and one row down the middle of the bus. Granted these beds weren’t made for your average Westerner and were perhaps only about 160cm long, but for the 14 hour journey they were by far the most comfortable option. When considering Hanoi is the capital city there really isn’t that much to do. The lake in the city centre is quite beautiful, and there are some great cafes, but other than that, it seems to lack culture. The highlight of our time in Hanoi was finding a bar/ restaurant that was displaying an All Black Jersey on the wall and featured a menu with Kiwi food (owned by a Kiwi expatriate and his Aussie mate). It does seem sad that with all the amazing food Vietnam has to offer, we just wanted a NZ beef burger with beetroot on it, but sometimes you just miss the comforts of home. The next morning we departed Vietnam, having spent only about $500NZ in our 16 days there and loved everything we had experienced. If you’re looking to book your next trip to somewhere warm, full of culture, where the locals speak English and is a little off the beaten track, you can’t go past Vietnam.


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Rockin’ Roadie

Philippa Brown spent a year in Canada working as a ski and snowboard instructor in the Rockies and as a zip line guide in Whistle r.


If you are into rock climbing you possibly already know that there’s a little town called Squamish along Canada’s Sea to Sky Highway which runs from Vancouver to the mountain town of Whistler. Squamish is a mecca for hard-core rock climbers who come from around the world and spend the summer there just camping out all season to have a crack at The Chief. At 2,300ft tall, the staggering mountain’s array of sheer cliff faces offer a variety of rock features and routes that will keep a climber tackling a single route for an entire day. The climbing in Squamish is mostly “trad” or traditional, where climbers secure themselves by threading their rope through various little contraptions that they wedge into cracks in the rock. Their lives depend on how well they secure these “cams” and “nuts”. It would only take one big fall for a series of bad placements to come popping right out of the rock like buttons off a shirt that is ripped open. With that image in mind, we did what no real climbers would do upon arrival in Squamish: we gave The Chief a little nod of respect and kept on driving. We had only been climbing for just over a year, mostly indoors. What we were looking for was some outdoor sport climbing, where we could secure our rope to bolts that have been permanently drilled into the rock face. With one of the biggest countries in the world stretching out in front of us, we set off on a month-long coast-to-coast road trip to hunt out rock climbs in eight of Canada’s southern provinces. With the exception of super-flat Saskatchewan, there is some amazing climbing to be found all over Canada if you know where to look. Our usual course of action was to find a climbing or camping shop in each new town and ask where the best climbing was nearby. We were usually given directions along the lines of: “turn off onto Highway 49 and drive for about 5km until you see a pink ribbon tied to a fence post. Park on the gravel pullout just past this ribbon and look for the trail through the trees.” This is how rock climbing led us along the road less travelled, to gorgeous locations that most travellers just pass on by. And nothing beats the view from the top of the climb.


overs eas Bronwyn Watts

Did you know? Unitec sends undergraduate students on exchange each year to our internationally recognised partner institutions. It is a unique opportunity to spend a semester or a year studying in Europe, USA, Canada, South America, Scandinavia, United Kingdom, Asia or Australia as a part of your degree programme without extending the length of your degree because you can cross-credit the approved courses. You pay your normal tuition fees to Unitec and you will still be eligible for StudyLink allowances. Most of our partner institutions offer courses in English however we encourage students to learn to a little of the language before you go. It is a fantastic opportunity which few people have in their lives and for those who take advantage of our Outbound Exchange Programme it is always an amazing and worthwhile experience.

Luci West a Bachelor of Communication (International Communication), student from Unitec did an exchange student to Vancouver Island University (VIU) in Canada: “Ultimately you shape and determine your own exchange experience – it can be very challenging, but that is what makes it all the more rewarding - the one semester I spent abroad was the most amazing and rewarding experience of my life to date, both academic and personal. VIU has an incredible view of snow-capped mountains, and overlooks the sea. Each day the view took my breath away.” Outbound Student Exchange - Scholarship Available! The Marketing & Management Department have offered a $3,000 scholarship for a Business student to do an exchange semester at our partner institution Halmstad University, Sweden. Interested? Email :studentexchange@

If you have more questions please send an email to


E V E S ' R A E Y NEW GIG GUIDE GRAB YOUR CHILLY BINS, SLAP ON YOUR SUNSCREEN, TIE ON THOSE BIKINIS AND PACK UP YOUR TENTS! The time to organise your New Year's Eve adventures is upon us, some gigs are already sold out! Here’s the low down on what’s happening where on December 31st. DETONATE FESTIVAL Headliners: Luger Boa, Deja Voodoo, November Zulu Venue: Taranaki Price: $59 All Ages, although children under 14 must be accompanied by adults. Bombs, music, pyrotechnics, good entertainment and good times. Detonate Festival is something a little different from your usual NYE festival. It’s all about adrenaline, deafening, heart stopping explosions, sky high fireballs and getting amongst it with your favourite Kiwi bands and DJs.


HIGHLIFE NYE EXPERIENCE Headliners: Nice’n Urlich Venue: Stonyridge, Waiheke Price: $105 R20 Highlife Entertainment is moving from Matakana this year back to Waiheke Island for a premium R20 Highlife NYE event that will be held in the beautiful surroundings of Stonyridge Vineyard. Just a short ferry ride away, this event is easy for those who don’t have a week off work or aren’t keen to travel far. The full line-up is yet to be announced.

DUB CONSPIRACY MATAKANA Headliners: Salmonella Dub, Ladi 6 and Cornerstone Roots Venue: Music Mountain, Matakana Price: $125 All Ages

PHAT 11 Headliners: Concord Dawn, Salmonella Dub, Andy C & MC Stylee Venue: Inangahua, between Reefton & Westport Price: (three days) $225 R18 Three nights of drum and bass, dubstep, reggae, breaks, hip hop and dub from around Aotearoa and the world, presented over two arenas in a magical remote rain forest valley complete with river with swimming holes on the wild West Coast of the South Island.

CORO GOLD Headliners: Shapeshifter, The Black Seeds, Katchafire Venue: Whitianga, Cormomandel Price: (Sold out, try Trade Me) R18 Last year’s surprise success Coro Gold is back! Held at the Coromandel’s Ohuka Farm, Coromandel Gold is three kilometres from Whitianga with buses running from several nearby beach hubs to and from the gig on the night. Fireworks, a few beer gardens, great tunes, this is Coro Gold.

LA DE DA Headliners: Kora, Katchafire, Hollie Smith, Salmonella Dub Venue: Martinborough Price: $145 (sold out, try Trade Me or get a VIP pass for $350) R18 The inaugural La De Da festival is Aotearoa’s newest New Year’s Eve experience. Head down the North Island to Martinborough in the Wairarapa, just one hour’s drive from central Wellington, for an awesome New Year’s experience.

RHYTHM AND VINES Headliners: N.E.R.D, Shihad, Our House Venue: Gisborne Price: (three days) $220.00 R18 Road trip is on! Nestled into the rolling green hills of Gisborne’s Waiohika Estate, Rhythm And Vines is a three day experience over multiple stages with many local and international acts, the biggest New Years Festival that New Zealand has to offer.



Horoscopes Virgo

September 13th - September 27th

August 23 -September 22 A new romance is on the horizon for Virgos but you will also need to restrain from spending. You’re not short on cash but you’re a target this month for hidden small print.

Libra September 23 - October 22 Your compassion will be called on this month, loved ones will benefit greatly from your generosity, even if your help may not seem appreciated at first. Scorpio October 23 - November 21 You always want what you can’t have. “The grass is always greener” and all that jazz. You may feel there’s too much to be done and too little time but try focus on individual tasks and work to achieve each one methodically. Sagittarius November 22 - December 21 You will be feeling like an island in the middle of the ocean. You seem to have nothing in common with the people around you. If your current ways of communicating with the rest of the population aren’t working try change your approach tactics. Capricorn December 22 - January 19 Don’t side with cynics Capricorn, it will be tempting, but staying objective is underrated. Don’t get pulled into other people’s dramas. Aquarius January 20 - February 18 Get out of the house! Enjoy life! After all - it’s what you do best. Socialising, new romances and travel are all on the cards. Pisces February 19 - March 20 Niggling worries have been chipping away at your

happiness for sometime now. Shake off the weariness and don’t play the victim; things are looking up in your work, study and romances. Aries March 21 - April 19 Expect some extra cash and probably some good…loving. Throw off your workaholic instincts and hang out at home, redecorate and make yourself a personalised refuge. Taurus April 20 - May 20 It’s hard to stay motivated, laziness is just so much more appealing. But remember you have talents and now is not the time to downplay them or let them rot away wasted. Gemini May 21 - June 20 Don’t be forced into aligning your way of thinking to suit others. True friends won’t ask you to compromise aspects of your personality; this could be a good time to think about who your good friends are. Cancer June 21 - July 22 You’re at your happiest when in the spotlight and a new romance could be just the thing to put you there. Leo July 23 -August 22 You are feeling active and want to be on-the-go constantly. Be wary of making yourself busy just so you can avoid problems in your relationship or with your family.


PROFILE Sophie Henderson

24-year-old Sophie Henderson graduated from

UNITEC with a Bachelor of Performing and Screen Arts degree in 2007. She has since made appearances at the Silo theatre, on the Jackie Brown Dairies and the hit TV series Outrageous Fortune. Her latest role will see her in the cult comedy Dog Sees God at the Basement Theatre in late September. What did your first acting experience taste like?

Porridge with brown sugar. I played Mama bear in Goldilocks And The Three Bears at kindergarten. What have been your most challenging experiences on the job so far?

Learning to walk in heels, mastering accents, not forgetting my continuity, working out how to do a good audition, funding proposals and remembering to believe in myself. Which do you prefer: theatre, TV, or film and why?

Gosh, they’re all very different. I love theatre the best but maybe because that is the area I’ve worked in most since graduating. But more than anything I would love to be the lead in a New Zealand feature film. How did you find the sex scenes on Outrageous Fortune?

I was very proud that I didn’t cry or vomit. Thinking about having to do them and watching them on national television was worse than

actually shooting them. Plus everyone else in the cast of Outrageous Fortune was doing sex scenes which made me feel better; it’s just part of being on that show. What has been your favourite role to date and why?

Betsy Kettle, a Jersey cow in Theatre Beating’s MILK. She was a competitive, vain dairy cow who had an eating disorder, could fit inside a suitcase and whose life goal was to win a red ribbon at The Kumeu Show. She was quite different to me. How did you find the transition from student to working actress?

I was very lucky in that I was cast in Silo Theatre’s Ensemble Project three days after I finished drama school. It was ongoing training and a great way to transition into the acting world. It also lead me to a lot of other work and I’m very thankful for that experience and to the Silo. What advice would you give acting students and recent graduates?

Just because you’re not working doesn’t mean you’re not an actor. Don’t expect to get acting work straight away and if you don’t, just do it yourself and put on a show at The Basement. The perfect role for you will come along. Be an actor because you love it. And when you do get the job always, always work your very hardest.

Check out the What's On guide on page 17 to find out more about Dog Sees God.






New Zealand women on the world stage THE NEW ZEALAND BLACK FERNS have clinched their

fourth Women’s Rugby World Cup title with a narrow 13-10 win over England in front of their home crowd of 13,253 as the two teams met for the third consecutive World Cup Final. The Black Ferns tested the patience of the referee and were shown three yellow cards during the tight encounter. The penalty count continued to rise against New Zealand however the English goal kicking was unable to take the advantage, missing several penalty attempts. Despite their numerical disadvantage at various stages in the match, The Black Ferns continually put their territorial dominance and incredible defense together to ensure a worthy win. Shot put sensation Valerie Adams has been experiencing a dry spell (by her standards) since teaming up with new coach Werner Gunthor; himself a Swiss shot put legend. But Adams, competing in the Continental Cup athletics meet in Split, Croatia has thrown a season’s best throw of 20.56m to beat her Belarussian rival

Nadzeya Ostapchuk forr the first time in nine encou unterss this year. Adams put prressurre on Ostapchuk from thee outseet with her best series of throw ws this season, somethingg she has struggled to do thiss year under the tutelage of her new coach. She opened the meet with a season’s beest of 20.70m and throughou ut the competition stayed aheead. By the final throw Ostaapchukk was dispirited and fouleed outt conceding the title to Adamss. The women’s Black Stticks, with a world ranking off No seven, are competing att the Women’s Hockey World d Cup in Rosario, Argentina. To date The Black Sticks have lost to o both h Germany and the Netheerland ds and have had a draw wiith Japan. In their latest match they were thrashed 4-1 by Australia, a team they beat in n qualifying for the tourn namen nt. The Black Sticks scored first yet squandered other ch hancees in the match which proved costly as they were und done by three late goals from m theirr trans-Tasman foes. The Blackk Sticks will play their final poo ol match against India to try an nd salvage something from m the tournament.

Dear De ear a Bar arbi bie bi e,

Dear De ar Bar arbi bie, e,

I went e on a first rst st da date with h th his i guy and wa and an wass rea really lyy im impressed, not o onl onlyy b aus bec be ausee he he cook coo ed me din inner ner at hi hiss flat, at, but u be becau cause s he put a tab tablec leclot loth h on the ta on table ble fo for me. e Wha hatt 18-y 8-year ear-o d old do oes tha thatt? I was so imp pres essed sed it m e me mad me real rea ly hor o nyy and nd we en ended ded up p dis disrup ruptin ting g our beautiful u me meal al byy h ing se ha hav sexx on o the table. Now w the the table tab le clo cloth h ha has… staiins… on it an and d he has revea ve led le he borrowed ed it fr from om his mo mothe therr with wi out o asking. g. We can can’t get th the stai tains ns out, what caan you you recomm rec om end end??

I o ofte ften n sit sit in cla class ss at Uni Unitec tec an and dI justt can’ jus can’tt help help bu butt thin thinkk of of what what my lec lectur turerr loo lookss lik likee nake ak d, thi his iss really rea lly affecting g my my lear learnin n g time t e. When Whe n I am in i bed d sometim mes I also also likee to flick ic thee bean (mastu (ma s rba rbate) e) an a d imag gine that it is my lec lectur t er doi do ng it to me WHAT ISS WRO WRONG N WIT WITH ME?? ? PLEASE HE P BARB HEL ARBIE! I !!

Kaittly Ka lyn Dear Kat De a ie i , Can I cal c l you Katie? No No?? Well W too bad I alr l eady have. Anyw nyway Katie, I know I may have first be kno been mol m ded in n the 50s but thaat does oesn’t make m som me me sort of Ma Marth rthaa SStewart housew wife. You cou ould l hav ha e found the answeer to this i qu q estion online a cut out and u the elabo aborat ratee and unnecessary descriipti pt ve inttro of you o r story. “I’ve diffi d cultt stains to remove from a tablecl c oth o , what wi w lll remove them?” woul o d havee sufficed. There’s plentyy of stain removal shit adv dvert er ised on thee TV, try some of th t. tha

XX Barbie Barbie

That’s the view from the bench.

F om Anonymous Fr Dear Anonymous, That iss nasty stuff. Student/ Th Lecturer relationships are never a good thing, watch Shortland Strreet/heard of Clayton Weatherson much? You never know, w if you u pursue this things betwee w n you two co ould d turn u y and ugl a he/ h she might cut that be n you’re bea y r flicking rig ght off. Me hinks the under Met d lying problem here is that you aree hor h ny, and I have a simple solution. It’s called Carrin ngto g n's. You go there and grab the first sin s gle gle/willing male/ female (you didn’t fem n specify) you see a tell them you wou and w ld like your bean flicked. I highly doubt you will be met with any objection io . If thiss does not relive yourr tens t n ion (a d most importan (an t tly get your qualit llearrning quality i gb back ack on o tr t ack) then write back ack to o me an a d I wi w ll conduct aan investttigat g ion in i to the quality, tone, si s ze (it ma m tters) and sagginess off skin ki etc of your o lecturer’ e s body an nd d let e you know iff it’s worth pursuing. g

XX Barbie i

Email Barbie your problems






Director: Stuart Beattie

BASED ON JOHN MARSDEN’S SEVEN PART LITERARY SAGA, Tomorrow When the War Began is the first in

what I assume will be seven teen-action flicks. Set in contemporary Australia, the Tomorrow series centres around a group of teenagers who “go bush” on a camping trip, only to have their country invaded and taken over by some un-named foreign power while they are in said bush. Obviously, the teen heroes take on the role of a guerrilla military unit. That’s sort of it. I read the Tomorrow When the War Began books when I was in intermediate. Mostly, I just liked the sex scenes. These were the first books I read with sex scenes in them and they were titillating as all hell. I think my copies of the books were probably dog-eared in the aforementioned sections. As much as that sounds like unrelated (and mildly smutty) information, these personal stories were the major drawcard of the series. It was the angsty young protagonists Marsden created, with their unstable romantic dramas, which got me turning pages rapidly. The first half of the film is genuinely very enjoyable, with its Home and Away/Neighbours cast pulling out the stops and giving surprisingly likable and enjoyable performances (a far cry from the plastic-soap fare we’re used to seeing from them). It really is a surprise. The cast of characters is about as stock and clichéd as they come. And yet, I found myself drawn into their world and (dare I say) rooting for them. Unfortunately, director Beattie seems to decide halfway through to pull a genre switch. The film dissolves into just another war movie with fights and flashes and bangs. It’s incredibly dull and really left a bitter taste in my mouth given the first half was actually promising. To put it simply, this gang of teenagers stop acting like teenagers and become (almost at the drop of a hat) a team of little Sylvester Stallones. It’s a drag. If you venture into this flick, my recommendation is to leave after the first half hour. That way, you can carry the early promise away with you and not leave disappointed and depressed.

PREDICAMENT Director: Jason Stutter

BASED ON THE NOVEL BY RONALD HUGH MORRISON, Predicament is a treasured piece of kiwi literature and its film adaption will naturally be looked at with the critical (and sometimes drunken) eye of its literary fans. On its own, this 1930s crime-comedy is sufficiently funny and entertaining, even if you go only to see Jemaine Clement’s (Flight of the Conchords) performance. A small New Zealand town sets the scene for the dark tale of a naïve teenager coerced into blackmailing the town’s wealthy adulterous couples. Spook (Clement) and Mervyn (Heath Franklin) play a mischievous conniving duo who convince young Cedric (Hayden Frost) to join them in their life of crime. Musician Tim Finn makes an eccentric cameo as Cedric’s senile father and Rose McIver (The Lovely Bones) appears as the film’s eye candy. Trying to describe the plot without giving it all away is tricky, but I can say there are plenty of twists and turns to keep the audience entertained. Like any kiwi film you’ll find yourself playing “spot the Shortland Street actors” but the core cast members generally give strong performances. Franklin and Clement steal the show from newbie Frost, who seems out of his depth. Clement’s performance as a weird, 1930s version of a Goth is side splitting. At times the cinematography and supporting cast give the film an amateur air, yet at other times the film touches on brilliance. I found myself in a real life predicament when it came time to write this review - not only because Predicament is the type of film you leave wondering whether or not you liked it - but also because I missed a chunk of the film half way through because a drunken maniac caused a scene screaming that the film was “an abortion”. As is often the case with novels-turned-movies Predicament was bound to have some vehement haters. Drunken Maniac was one of them. (Read this review online to see the You Tube link to his outburst.) You probably won’t come out proclaiming your love for it, but Predicament is worth a shot and will deliver you some laughs for the effort. Amanda Haxton

Joseph Harper

Movie reviews thanks to Skycity Cinemas


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Concert Chamber, Auckland Town Hall

AS A COMPANY, Touch Compass aims to embrace diversity, to challenge our preconceptions about who is able to dance. I came away from their latest performance, Triple Bill, in absolute awe. The first of three stories is Grottteschi, choreographed by Suzanne Cowan and featuring Cowan and Adrian Smith. It was a humorous and exciting way to begin the night. Cowan was “Ava the Spiderwoman” and Smith “Argyle the Mantis Man”. They fought, became friends, became one, sparred some more, and we were entranced. I loved how one miniscule, well timed movement would shift their story in a completely different direction. Smith’s Mantis Man was unbelievable. Six, choreographed by Jeremy Nelson, was very different. I spent a lot of the performance wondering what the dance was about; curiosity that I’m sure makes my ignorance of all forms of dance obvious. At times I thought the piece was inspired by the inner workings of a great big clock. At other times, I wondered whether they were carving out an invisible mosaic on the floor. The programme explained the work aimed to explore “how apparent limitations are keys to open doors”. This was certainly fulfilled. Three of the dancers performed (occasionally) in wheelchairs and this was a well-controlled and beautiful melding of human and machine, fluidly spiralling bodies managing with apparent ease to move in tandem. The night ended with Slip-I’m Not falling I’m Just Hanging On For As Long As You Hold Me, choreographed by Carol Brown. This for me was the highlight. I felt I had stepped into the dancers minds. This was enhanced by the evocative music, which was written by the dancers themselves in collaboration with composer Russell Scoones. Tracy Z’s expressive and delicate gestures were as beautiful as her vocals. But I particularly enjoyed watching Jesse Johnstone-Steele, his sense of play made me feel personally addressed. I love when performers respond to their audience like that. Saraid Cameron

This 1970s biopic of an all girl band may have two of the hottest young things on screens going for it (Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning) but it tries a little too hard to be overtly sexual and shocking. Fanning plays the innocent girl corrupted by stardom perfectly, but Stewart quickly falls into her standard brooding character, the only character she seems capable of playing. The soundtrack however, is fantastic.

Cafe THE TURKISH CAFÉ 294 PONSONBY ROAD This popular chain is let down by its Ponsonby premises, which surprisingly are at a far lower standard than those in Newmarket. The wine is far from cheap, and yet tastes like $4 supermarket stuff. I shared a platter for two at $50 which consisted of little more than lamb kebab meat, rice and lettuce. There were no muscles as advertised and the description “king prawns” amounted to a single prawn. The service was terrible; it was confusing whether or not you were supposed to fetch your own menus and water jugs. If you feel like Turkish food try somewhere else, the Newmarket version is far better.


y’all. Letting me know that my snack reviews are far too bland/boring and that I should either shape up and try something exciting and exotic, or stop writing them. This critic has two words for his critics. BHUJA MIX! So, you are hosting a party? Having a few bros around to watch some rugby/ cricket/netball? Having a baby shower to celebrate the dual arrival of your first child and bonded merit scholarship? Just getting on the piss? Here’s what you need: Snacks. Obviously right? Parties without snacks suck hard out. But here is the big question brothers and sisters: What kind of snacks? Let us decide by process of elimination. Chips and dips? No. This combination is just too delicious. You’ll eat all of that onion dip and get bloated and fat and never score a sweet pash. Nuts? Only if you want to smell like shit and then if you get a sweet pash, get punched in the face for being such a disgusting loser? Pretzel sticks or regular pretzels? Do we live in America? No. So why the hell would you get pretzels? This is not an episode of Home Improvement. Sausage rolls? No. Meat is murder. No snacks? NO! You have to eat snacks or you’ll get drunk and die. So what? Bhuja Mix. Oh yes, Bhuja Mix is the best party snack of all time for the following reasons: it’s delicious and it’s easy to eat (just open the bag, stick in your hand, clench, pull out your hand, eat the Bhuja Mix. Easy as.) I don’t know what it’s made out of. There are peas. And some other stuff. It’s spicy. It’s delicious. The best part is that it is really exotic and you will be attractive and impressive when you are seen eating it. No downers. This stuff is 100 per cent good. Joseph Harper







Serves 4 Moussaka is an aubergine (eggplant) based dish which traces its origins to countries around the globe. Greek, Slavic, Turkish, Hungarian and Arabic cultures all have a form of Moussaka in their national cuisines. This is a low fat version of the traditional Greek Moussaka, perfect for summer. The dish is simple to create but impressive to look at. Vegetarians can remove mince if desired. INGREDIENTS: 1 Large Eggplant 2 Courgettes 2 Capsicums 1 Red Onion 1 Small Tub of Greek Yoghurt 300 Grams of Lamb or Beef Mince 1 Teaspoon Beef Stock 1 Teaspoon Minced Garlic Salt and Pepper Fresh Parsley and Mint 3 Tablespoons of Tomato Paste

DIRECTIONS: Thinly slice eggplant, courgette and capsicums. Place vegetables on a lightly oiled skillet pan and fry until browned. In a saucepan, brown mince and diced onion. Add beef stock, garlic, salt, pepper and tomato paste. In a separate bowl mix chopped herbs into Greek yoghurt. Layer the ingredients in a stack, using the larger vegetable pieces first, then mince, then yoghurt. Repeat. Secure with a kebab skewer if desired and serve with a green side salad.

CHINESE CHICKEN DRUMSTICKS Serves 4 INGREDIENTS: 8 Chicken Drumsticks, skin on 4 Spring Onions sliced 3 Cloves Garlic, crushed 1 Tablespoon Ginger, grated finely 2 Teaspoons Five Spice Powder 3 Tablespoons Dark Soy Sauce 1 Tablespoon Cooking Oil Black Pepper Spring Onions, sliced thinly, to garnish

DIRECTIONS: Mix all of the ingredients together to a make a marinade. Rub the marinade into the drumsticks. Place in a baking dish and roast on 200 degrees for around 30-45 minutes, turning occasionally, until chicken is cooked. Garnish with spring onion and serve with plum sauce.


Family Fun Day Free Entry!


11AM-3PM H e n d e r s o n P r i m a r y S c h o o l Fi e l d s Corner of Great North Road and Edsel St, Henderson


T h e Fun ky M on ke y s / O ld Mac D o na ld ’s Fa r m B o u n c y C a s t l e s / R o n a l d M c D o n a l d / F a c e Pa i n t e r s Clowns / Magicians / Games / Rides usu Students’Association at Unitec

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Thursday 16 September

10am - 2pm

i n t h e H u b (bldgg 180) 180 Run a stall and represent se li ta n ta d n a g n lo a e m Co your country by selling e th h it w s d u eb st O r ta your your national delicacies er ff o n o d o fo f o y variet To register a stall please email d n u ro a ll a s ie tr n from cou the world Want to travel? Visit the Student Exchange stall to find out how you can complete part of your degree overseas while paying Unitec fees! usu Students’Association at Unitec



In Unison is the free fortnightly student magazine of the Unitec Students' Association.