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Monday, 16th August 2010

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Edit Ed ittor oria iia al 06 Preesi sideent nt’s ’s Col ’s olum lum u n 07 7 News ew ws 09 New ewss Ho oun und d 10 Car arto toon on

11 Ca amp m uss Fas ashi h on 11 Goi hi o ng Up/ p Go oin ng Do Down wn w n 12 16

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Seco Se c nd co n Tim imee A Arrou und 12 Te T n Thin ings gs

Ph hottoss 17 Wh W a att’s On?? 23 Wh hak kar aron ongo g Mai go a 25 Wha h t To T Do 25 Hor oros osco cope p s pe 27

Ba arb rbie ie 27 Sp Spli lliinter ntter 28 Rev evie ieews 30 Dr Drin i k Of in O Th Thee Wee eek k 30 Re R cipe ciipe p s

Next Issue: The Eat & Drink Issue, Out 30th August 2010 Edit Ed itor oria iall In nqu quir ires e ph. h (09) 815 4321 ext: ex t: 792 27 in inun unis ison@ @unitec.ac.nz Adve Ad vert rtis i in is ingg In Inqu quir i es ph. (09) 815 4321 ext: ex t: 73 7384 8 us 84 u ua uadv dver ertising n @unitec.ac.nz

Editor: Amanda Haxton Graphic Design: Mark Lovatt

Disclaimer Opinions expressed in th hiis publi blication are not necessarily those of the publishers. Submiss m ions and contributors are welcome, but the publish s er reserves the right to select and edit the material submitted. Materials submitted will remain property of the publ publisher unless alternative arrangements are made.

Contributors: ASSPA PA,, Pe Pete te Hod odki k ns n on, Alan MacDonald, Dianne Ruth Rimmer, Joseph Harper, Barbie, e, Spl plin inte ter, r New ws Ho H und, Bruce Lightfoot, Caitlin Duggan, Jessie Colquhoun.


4

IN UNISON

EDITORIAL

THE SEX ISSUE, a fun issue to make, an awkward editorial to write. Usually I draw on my own experiences when I write my editorial, I felt in this instance that might cross the professional/personal line. My boss reads this. Luckily there is other, non sex-related, stuff in this issue. The majority of this issue is, however, sex-related. If you do not want to read/see anything sex-related please look only at the following pages: 2,3,4,5,7,8,9,10, 13,16,17,23,24,26,28,29,31 and 32. The rest of you, have fun! So, because I am not willing to over-share I am going to talk about the Official Information Act (OIA). Bear with me, it does get interesting. The OIA is a complicated little number. Essentially, it means you can access any public information which, 2010 Editor without request, is not made public. Confusing isn’t it? Amanda Haxton That’s the point. Anyone can make an OIA request. You don’t even need to put it in writing. As a journalist I have made requests to various public agencies, including The Ministry of Education and The Auckland District Health Board. You should be able to request anything, unless it

IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ/SEE ANYTHING SEX-RELATED PLEASE LOOK ONLY AT THE FOLLOWING PAGES: 2,3,4,5,7,8,9,10,13,16,17, 23,24,26,28,29,31 AND 32. involves terrorists, but you will likely find any number of excuses and barriers put in your way. If this happens you can complain to a group (with a Tolkien worthy name) called the ombudsmen. I have two reasons to discuss the OIA in this issue. Firstly, our news section features an article about the review of the Code Of Practice For International Student Care. The information used in this article was obtained through the use of an OIA request. We wanted this information because it was not yet, and will never be, made publicly available in its full form. The second reason is far more salaciously interesting. It concerned a series of OIA requests made by the Sunday Star Times newspaper last weekend. The requests asked for details of credit card spending and reimbursed expenses from the CEOs of some of the country's biggest

LETTERS

TO THE EDITOR

public organisations. The spending (which covered things like whisky, elaborate dinners and Xboxes) was ranked, and low and behold who should be taking out third place? No other than Unitec’s CEO Dr Rick Ede. In the past 24 months he spent a total of $79,611. Dr Ede’s bills showed a number of things. What really stood out was a $295 chocolate centrepiece for a council strategy day. The actual meeting, at the Westin, cost a total of $4442.97. The centrepiece is described as chocolate dipped fruit blooms adorned with Ferrero Rochers and Lindt balls. There are many questions I could raise about this expense, but I will ask only the most important ones. Why wasn’t I invited to eat the chocolate centrepiece? Did anyone get to eat the centrepiece? At that price you would really hope it got eaten. Now this may be an editorial, but I won’t take this as an opportunity to criticise Dr Ede out of context. As I mentioned, people will try to avoid their responsibility to release information under the OIA. Dr Ede complied, many tertiary institutes did not. Whitirea Community Polytechnic, The Southern Institute Of Technology, The Eastern Institute of Technology, Auckland University and several other organisations all tried to side step revealing their spending. What are they hiding? Comparatively, the CEO of Waiariki Institute of Technology Dr Pim Borren came in fourth place on the top 10 list, just behind Dr Ede at $77,359. The difference between the two was around $2,000. It is interesting to note that in 2009 Unitec had 23,038 students. Waiariki had 9,000. Dr Ede has 1103 staff. Dr Borren has 400. Dr Ede’s spending included a annual strategic planning meeting at Eden Park, which included well over 300 members of Unitec staff. Just 100 less than Dr Borren’s total staff. The Sunday Star Times asked around 140 public companies to divulge their spending, not all complied. That polytechnics, universities and other tertiary institutes were asked at all suggests there is an expectation that in large companies there will be a large amount of spending. It should also be reiterated that the aforementioned delicious centrepiece was for a council meeting; as far as I’m aware Dr Ede didn’t buy any porn. Dr Ede has released a media statement concerning the spending which says that the expenditure is approved each month

Letters should be 250 words or less. You MUST include your real name, phone number and address so we don’t get sued (we won’t print them if you don’t want us to). We won’t spell-check it, but we might edit, abridge, or decline it without explanation, Send letters to: inunison@unitec.ac.nz or, USU Students’ Association, Building 180, 139 Carrington Road Auckland


IN N UNIS UNISON

5

by th b the Council Chairman and is within budget. He won’t be making further comment on the matter. However, In Unison would like to solve the mystery of the chocolate centrepiece; we are determined to find out whether or not it got eaten, and if so, by whom?

HEY BIG SPENDER! WHO WH W O SP SPEN ENT NT WH WHAT AT IN TH THE HE H E EDUCA ED DU UCA CAT TIO ON SECT SE ECT CT TOR?? Infform ormati mati ation o tot on tootalled to alllled d fro fro om the he last las ast 24 mont mont on hs. hss (FFrom m Th T e SSund u ay SSta und ta ar ar Times Tim es top es top p 1000 CEO O cre credit redit cca ard sp spe pende p derrs. s) 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20.

UNITE UNI TEC E ,D Drr R Ric ick Ede $79 7 ,61 6 1 WA A WAI AR ARI RIK KII INSTIT IN INS N TIT I UTE IT UTE UT E OF FT TE ECHN NOLO O OGY GY, G Y Dr Dr Pi Pm Bor Bo o ren n $7 77,3 7 59 TE KU KUR URA CORR ORR RRESP ESP ESP POND ONDENC EN NCE S SCHO CHO HOOL O , Mike Mike ke Hol Ho o ling ol lin ings gs $44 44,665 4 ,66 6 5 66 WA W WAI A KAT K O UNI NIVERS NIV VERSITY ERS RSITY T , Royy Cra Crawfo wfo ford rd d $39 39 9,,87 ,8 872 TAII P T TA PO OUTI TIIN NII POLY POL P PO LYTE YT YT TE ECHN CHNIC CH IC C, Paul Paul au u Wi Willso s n $36, so 36,508 508 5 8 TEA T EAC CH CHE H RS COU COUN NCI NC C L, L Pe P ter ter Li te Lind nd d $3 $36 36 3 6,01 015 15 OTA AGO GO U UNI UN N NIVERSIT VER E SIT SITY Y, Davi vvid Skeg Skeg kegg $33, 33,843 84 843 4 NO NOR N ORTHL OR HLA H AND AN ND P PO OLYT LYTECH CH HNIC NIC,, Ter Te erry ryy Ba Bar a net ne t $32, $32, 2 404 04 AO AOR O AKI A PO OLYT LY YT TEC ECH CH H, Ben en enjam njamin jam jam min i LLee Le e , Caath heri erine ne ne Nelson Nel son on $2 $ 8 8,8 ,8 84 47 7 W KAT WA WAI ATO TO INST ST TITU I TE IT TE OF OF TEC TECHN HNO NOLO NO LOG OG O GY, YM Y, Maark r F wer Flo w s $27, 2 021 02 21 1 OPEN OPE N POLY PO OLY LY LYTEC TEC T EC CHNI H C, HN C Dr Dr Car aaroli ol ne ol ne See eelig elig lig, Pau lig, au aul Gri r mwo wood d $24,17 $24 24 4,175 ,17 175 UNI N VER VERSIT SIT S I Y OF CAN ANT NT N TERB ER URY ERB UR UR RY, Dr Dr Ro Rod dC Carr a arr $23,81 $2 $23 ,81 ,8 819 MAN MA A UKA UK KAU IN NST TIT ITU TUTE UTE T O OF F TEC ECHNO EC CHNO NOLOG NOLOG LOGY OGY Y,, Dr D Peter Pet Pe eter et B othe Bro Brothe Br t rs $ $2 $21 2 ,32 29 WEL LLIN NGTON GTO TON INST TO INST NST STITU I TE IT TE OF O T TE TEC ECHNOLOG HN HNO NOL LOG OG GY, Y Li Lind nda da da Sis isson sons son ns $20, 2 389 20 38 3 89 9 TER T TE ERT E TIA IIA ARY RY EDU DUCAT DU CAT C CA ATION A ON N CO COMMI MMIS MM SS SSI S ON ON, N Dr Ro N, Royy SSha Sh h rpe pe e $1 $17, 7,9 987 7 NEL NE ELSO E SON ON M O MA ARLB RLBORO ORO ROUGH U IN NSTI ST TUT TU U E OF TEC TEC CH HNO HN NOLOG LOGY, Y, To Y, Tony nyy Gra n rayy $15, ra $15 15, 5 242 5, 4 CHR H IST S CHU ST CHU URCH RCH C PO OLYT LY YTE ECH EC CHNIC NIC,, Nei Neill Barn Barn arnss, s, Dar Darren ren M che Mit ell $11 11 1,0 ,01 01 0 12 NEW ZE NEW NE EALA AND ND VI VIC V ICE IC CE CHAN CHAN A CEL E LOR O S C MMIT CO COM MITTE TEE T EE E, P Pe enny n y Fe enwi w ckk $10 $1 ,33 ,3 ,331 331 WES W E TER RN INST ST TIITU TUTE EO OF F TEC T HNO H LOGY, LOG GY, Y, R Ric ichar hard d H d Han dle ley $8, $8,,912 2 MAS M SSEY UN UNIVE IVE VERSI RSITY, RS TY, TY Y, SSte tevve e Ma Mah aah hare ar y $8,8 ar 805

FAILED TO SUPPLY (HIDING SOMETHING?) Whi Whi h tirrea ea Com om mmun munity ty Po P lyt y ech chnic nic icc The So The outh uthern e In ern Insti stitut tute e Of Tech Te ech ec c nol n logy no og ogy The he EEaast ste ern Ins Instit tit i ute te off Te T ch chn chnolo nolo o gy gy Auc A u kla uc kland nd d Uni Univer Un ve sit ver sityy

WANT TO CONTRIBUTE TO YOUR STUDENT MAG? You could get vouchers, prizes, or tickets to gigs/movies/plays for your efforts. On top of these incentives, contributing to In Unison looks great in your CV or portfolio.

Reviewerrs, colu umnists, news writers, featurre writers s, carttoo onists, photographers and artis sts wanted. Tip-offs You can be a secretive news source if you know th hat something’s going down and thin ink it wiill lll make a good story then gett in touch. Con ac Cont ct: t In Un Unis son Ph (09 09)) 81 815 5 43 4321 1 ext 792 927 7 Email inu uni niso son@ n@ @un nit itec ec c.a ac. c nz Orr pop in: USU O SU Offic fffic ices, Bu Buil ildi ding ng n g 180 80,, U ittec Un ec,M Mt Allb be ert cam ampu pus. s.

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6

IN UNISON

PRESIDENT

OK, SEX… IT HAD TO COME UP BETWEEN US SOONER OR LATER, RIGHT? There are so many puns, so much

innuendo and so many weird stories that I actually havee no idea where to start. I could talk about sex with regarrds to gender differences: the whole "battle of the sexes" thing. But honestly, it’s a bit overdone. Likewise, I’ll tryy to avoid too many cliché jokes, you’ve heard it all I’m sure… I could start off by telling you about how importantt it is to know that “suicide girls” despite the name, don n’t 2010 President need the kind of saving you’d think, and have an entirrely Pete Hodkinson different kind of “hotline” to the norm. True story, thanks Google. I think it’s worth moving away from your average superficial sex sub-topics (positions, toys, erotic role-play play and the like) and try touching on a bit of the history of

Sadism (when one enjoys cruelty) is the precursor or first cousin to Sadomasochism and was named after an odd chap, The Marquis de Sade (a somewhat infamous 18th Century French writer). But don’t make the mistake of thinking that he invented the concept. No, no, interestingly enough we’ve been involved in documented (check out the Tomb of the Floggings in Tarquinia) “S&M” five centuries before we even had the New Testament. Crazy... Now, I’m going off on a tangent here, but another crazy thought: even a total genius can be a massive pervert. Einstein for example, was married twice (one of the wives was his cousin) and he supposedly cheated on both of them with more than 10 women. I know what you’re thinking guys: “If only talking about unified field equations and the theory of relativity was as attractive to girls as conceiving them evidently was.” Einstein you slut… [One of the world’s most brilliant minds, and I just called him a slut – take that convention!] Well, you’ve probably heard enough of this nonsense, so I’m gonna go ahead and leave you to it Unitec! I wish you all the best for the coming couple of weeks and I’ll see ya round!

APPARENTLY WHEN WATCHING SOMEONE (USUALLY MALE) GETTING HANGED, IT WASN’T UNCOMMON TO SEE AN ERECTION POP UP. PEOPLE JUST PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER. an odd microcosm of human sexuality: fetishes. You’d be surprised at 1) how old some of them are and 2) where they stem from. Forgive me if it seems like a messed up topic but, please, let me elaborate a bit: Autoerotic asphyxiation (strangulation while “getting in touch” with yourself) is both weird and actually a treatment for erectile dysfunction (not being able to “get in touch” with anything) which dates back to the 1600s. Apparently when watching someone (usually male) getting hanged, it wasn’t uncommon to see an erection pop up. People just put two and two together. I can just imagine the spam mail they would have been plagued with: “Can’t please your wives? Why not try almost hanging yourself in the closet?” And no, I’m not even kidding with this – Google it… or, you know, don’t ...it’s not that important, you should probably study something else really really. Anyway… Anyway

Chur Chur, Pete. Pete

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IN UNISON

NEWS Providers get financial incentive to perform By Amanda Haxton

Greens give Joyce the big F By Amanda Haxton

Green MP Gareth Hughes has graded Steven Joyce on his performance as Minister of Tertiary Education and given Joyce a big “F”. In a speech for the Vote Education Estimates debate last week Hughes spoke of how he thought Joyce had been a failure since taking over the role from Anne Tolley. Hughes, who was a student last year, pointed to enrolment caps at many institutes and under funding as areas where the minister had failed He also criticised the minister’s introduction of a lifetime limit to student loans and said he had failed to stop universities charging students excessive costs in non-academic levies. News that the minister would be funding institutes based on performance

was meet with another “F”. “He’s already made it harder to get into tertiary study, harder to stay in tertiary study, and more expensive to stay in tertiary study. Now he is making it harder for providers to maintain funding,” says Hughes “Joyce’s plan threatens funding cuts for under achievement without the realisation that under funding will actually cause under achievement.” Hughes says that the purpose of tertiary education is to be the critic and conscience of our society, not "money making machines that churn out industry focused graduates." “We spend $3000 less than the OECD average per student. We need to stop shuffling money around and start putting money in,” says Hughes.

And another door closes… By Amanda Haxton

The latest in a string of tertiary providers to close enrolments, Massey University has announced there will be no more enrolments in its 2010 Summer School programmes. The move has caught people by surprise, coming three months earlier than usual, as the institution has reached its funding cap. Massey closed its second semester enrolments for domestic students earlier than planned and will introduce preferential entry next year, ViceChancellor Steve Maharey announced. “We have come under considerable pressure from growing numbers of students wanting to enrol, particularly in sciences and particularly on the Albany campus from schools in North Shore and Waitakere,” says Maharey. “Other pressure points are Maori and

Pasifka enrolments and a growing desire from people in work to increase their skills and qualifications through distance education." President of the Massey University Extramural Students’ Society Ralph Springett says the move is not wholly unexpected news, “but the lack of notice for students is very concerning”. “The unfortunate thing is that it is the mature and part time students that will be hardest hit,” says Springett. “I have no solution for these people. It will be a huge let-down for them and the Minister is simply not listening to the Universities or the people of New Zealand,” says Springett. Victoria, Auckland and Otago Universities have also restricted enrolments.

Tertiary Education Minister Steven Joyce has confirmed details of performance linked funding. The new model will see tertiary education providers receive a proportion of their funding based on performance. From 2012 five per cent of providers’ funding will based on their performance against indicators from the previous year. The indicators include course completion, qualification completion, progression to higher study and the number of students retained in study. Joyce says this approach will provide financial incentives for providers to continually work to improve the educational performance of their students. “Initially, performance linked funding is about targeting the outliers. Those institutions that stand out as poor performers in certain areas.” “Over time, I expect to see the performance of the entire sector improve as a result of this model.  Providers will know upfront what their targets are and the Tertiary Education Commission will work with them to improve performance,” he says. Tertiary Education Union (TEU) national president Dr Tom Ryan says the government needs to approach the initiative carefully. He says the government needs to ensure it improves the performance of institutions “rather than shutting out students who are less likely to succeed”. “There is a danger that institutions will seek to lift their funding by excluding students they think are less likely to succeed, or that pressure will be put on teachers who have tough academic standards,” says Ryan. The Tertiary Education Commission will be discussing details of the model with tertiary providers this month.

MORE IN UNISON NEWS, AND THE CHANCE TO COMMENT AND HAVE YOUR SAY ONLINE AT :

www.usu.co.nz/inunison

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IN UNISON NEWS

Super City candidates get cosy at Unitec By Amanda Haxton

Things got personal when Unitec hosted the first debate attended by all Super City mayoral candidates. The seven candidates had a heated discussion during the 90-minute live debate in Unitec’s Forum For The Future series. The candidates included; North Shore Mayor Andrew Williams, anti-smacking protestor Colin Craig, former Waitakere City councillor and comedian Ewen Gilmour, Auckland City Mayor John Banks, Manukau City Mayor Len Brown, water campaigner and actor Penny Bright and theatre director Simon Prast. The three-evening series entitled “Super City – Win or Lose?” has attracted some of the country’s top local government experts as panelists. The panelists have taken the unique

opportunity to inform both the studio and online audience about the pros and cons of having the Super City. Unitec’s Department of Management and Marketing utilized social media to liven up its debate and open discussion to the wider Auckland community. Live “tweets” from the panel style debates allowed members of the public to ask panellists questions via the social networking site Twitter. The major topic of the final debate was the prospect of Auckland’s water services being contracted out to private companies. The prospect was rejected by the two heavyweight Super City mayoral contenders, John Banks and Len Brown. Both said they were committed to keeping Auckland’s $5 billion worth of water assets in public ownership under the

Super City. Activist Penny Bright shook her head through many of the other candidate’s speeches and called for Aucklanders to rise up and stop the “corrupt takeover” of the city’s assets. Business journalist, commentator and adjunct professor at Unitec’s Department of Management and Marketing, Rod Oram, facilitated the debates. The Super City will be the largest council in Australasia, and comes into place on November 1. Videos from all three debates are available online. Since the debate series Ewen Gilmour has pulled out of the campaign race due to family commitments.

Focus on international student care By Amanda Haxton

The Ministry Of Education has conducted the first review of The Code Of Practice For The Pastoral Care Of International Students since the code was implemented in 2002. Following a request under The Official Information Act, In Unison has received details of the sector bodies and government agencies consulted in the review, as well as the findings, suggestions and recommendations made, both implemented and not. The code regulates the responsibilities education providers have towards international students studying at their institutes. There are currently over 1200 signatories to the code. The code went through four rounds of public consultation and a relatively small number of submissions, 27, were received. All of the country's eight universities made submissions. The majority of submissions suggested marginal changes to wording or sought clarification. A single added word could make a huge

difference to international students who may have experienced delays when trying to resolve grievances. “Prompt" was added to the sentence “signatories must ensure that international students are advised of and have [prompt] access to adequate transparent and fair internal procedures for dealing with grievances.” One university requested that the introduction of 24 hour supervision for "group students" should not apply to adult students; it will now only apply to those under 18-years-old. The Ministry Of Education says that the major change is that “code requirements have been aligned with student immigration policy changes to encourage the growth of export education.” Submissions from the New Zealand Union of Students Associations (NZUSA) suggested parties other than students, primarily advocates, be able to put forward complaints to the international appeal authority on students’ behalf. This would require legislative changes

which will be investigated. The new code will take effect on November 1 and versions will be available on the ministry website in Chinese, Indonesian, Japanese, Korean, Russian, Spanish and Thai. Director of Unitec’s International department Jude Lydia said Unitec did not make a submission. “We are fine with the code, we always provided good service. We work with superb home stay services and are happy with the quality of those.” “We have very few under 18-year-old students, most of our students are over 18, so the level of the care may not be so intensive.” Last year Unitec had around 2700 international students. Currently Unitec International has one staff member responsible for the pastoral care of international schools, the School of Languages has an additional two staff members.


IN UNISON NEWS

9

Fun, food and furious film makin ng By Amanda Haxton

Language barriers and indecipherable menus didn’t stop a group of Unitec students making the most of a recent trip to China to film a cross cultural documentary. Four Unitec film students travelled to Beijing last month to film the second half of a documentary about couples of different ethnicities. The documentary is a joint project between the Beijing Film Academy and Unitec. Five students from Beijing stayed at Unitec earlier this year and in turn the Academy hosted the Unitec students in Beijing for four weeks. The documentary was co-directed by Unitec student Rose Damon (21) and Bejing Academy student Li Bo (22). John Whiteside worked as the camera operator in Beijing, Jesse Hilford was in charge of production and sound, and Kelly Chen worked on a “making of” documentary as well as being the group’s translator. Damon says the language barrier was challenging and the group would have “starved” without Chen’s translator skills. On a day-to-day basis the students struggled to do simple things like read

menus at restaurants. Damon says food was “a huge challenge” but they rellished the experience of travel. “We were very well looked after by thee Beijing Film Academy,” says Damon n. The film looks at the challenges faced by cross cultural couples in China and New Zealand, it is bilingual and willl be translated and subtitled. Co-editing the film has been hin ndered d by communication barriers and thee end product will likely be in two parts, one from each country. Between the two visits the studeents communicated via email. “We tried to Skype at the beginn ning of the year but the internet in Chin na is surprisingly really slow,” says Damo on. “But it was an intensive process while we were all together.” Damon says initially the documeentaryy was intended as an experiment to see how the two institutes interacted and to o develop a sister school type relation nship. The end product will be shown att Unittec in the near future and the group ho ope to o enter it in some film festivals. “It’s highly competitive to get intto festivals but we will certainly aim for fo thaat,” says Damon.

Unitec and Auckland Rugby officially BFF Fs By Amanda Haxton

Unitec and the Auckland Rugby Union have made their partnership official, with a powhiri to celebrate an array of new initiatives created between the two organisations. The partnership was officially announced last month at Unitec’s Te Noho Kotahitanga marae with Unitec becoming the official tertiary provider for Auckland Rugby. Unitec Chief Executive, Dr Rick Ede, says the partnership adds a strong educational link to a close relationship that already exists between the two organisations. “Unitec is fortunate to have already established close links with Auckland Rugby through our Department of Sport and now both parties can expand this further to complement each other’s strengths,” says Dr Ede. The deal will provide quality education opportunities to both players and staff.

Unitec will be an official sponsorr of th he Blues Super 15 team next year and will also have close links with the Undeer 18 Blues Development Squad. The partnership will involve sponsorship of both top level playeers and rising stars, with more initiatives yet to be announced. The Blues already practice at Uniitec’s sports fields. Auckland Rugby CEO, Andy Daltton, saays the partnership will bring mutual benefi fits to both organisations. “Our desire to develop players wiith natural rugby talent as well as skillss off the field ties in well with our Unitec partnership. “Offering people involved at variious levels of Auckland Rugby, as well ass the t Blues, an opportunity to further deevelop v p themselves with programmes offerred d byy Unitec is a very positive arrangemeentt.”

NE N E EW WSS R OU W O ND D U P WI W I TH T HE

NEWS HOUND IS SHE FAKING IT? Tha That’s t’s th thee ques uestio tion n pose sed d byy “ex b “exper per pe e ts” ov o er er th the he sstto ory ry off a US che cheerl erllead der who cl who c aim aimss sh sh hee suff suffer suffer ered e a biiza ed izzarre reeact ction io to ion oa flu vacci flu vaccinat va natio ion on n th that a for at fo cess he her to to walk walk al ba backw ckw kward ar s ard and n sp speak eak wiith h a pecu eculia lia iar ar,r, B Brri r tis t h h-s -soun oundin di g din accent acc ent.. Doct Docttors orss be belie belie ieevee she he is ph physi yssiolo o gic gicall allyy all fa ing th fak he syym ymp mp ptom oms. s s. A SICK SENSE OF HUMOUR hass seeen e a New New Jersey Jersey eyy ma m n jail ailed fo for o th three mo month nthss afte after ter he de ibe del iberat rately rat e ma ely made d him msel se f vomi omitt on on a yo y ung ng teenag tee nag age girl girl at at a bas baseb eba baallll gam me. e FAST FOOD CRIME ju j st doe oesnt snt nt pa n payy it it woulld seem. see eem. m At Atlant Atl antaa poli ant poli o ce say sa a man an wh who o robb o ed a McDonal cDo D na ds ds wit w th a g gu un waass so s ma mad ad d ab bout ou the he am amoun ountt o oun off loot loot oo o th that hee cal ca led l ba le back twi tw wice ce to o com mpla plain. in. n In n on one call he one he sa said d tha t t “nex th nextt time me the heere b bet e ter teer e be mo ore re thaan $586 $586 86”.” A STORE MANAGER IN SOUTH FLORIDA dis dissu issua suaded an ar arm meed me d man man from ma from ro r bbi b ng the es ab est abl bllishmen ish shmen m t by tell me el ing g hi h m Jesu e s woul ou dn’ d t dn app ap prov o e. The he 20 20-ye -ye y arar-old old d Ch Chris ristia ris tian tia no off ffeered ff eed d to t c nec con n t him h m wi w h frie wit friends i n nds ds wh w o coul coul ould d help hi hm fifin nd wor ork o rk. She he sai sa d she she he bel believ ieved hee was wasn’t n a bad n’t ad d p son pe per so on aan nd told told hi h m the thee ans nswer w to h wer hiis fina finaanci ncc al a pro proble robl blems l ms ms was wasn’t n’tt in th t e cas cas ash s re regis gis i terr. Then h n th thee cle l rk le rk gui guilt lt tri trrippe rippe p ed pp d him m wit with a lilittl ttl tlee w whit h e lilie, hi hit say a ing g th t e stor stor toree wou oul uld hold d heer resp es ons o ibl blee fo bl orr anyy ca cash sh he h sto stole. le. e A BROKE WELLINGTON STUDENT ma mayy have ve tak aken en Kri Kr s Teal Teeal a s' s adv a ice icc . He He swiped wip ped e Joh ohn n Key’ y’ss co coff offee ee cu c p when when n th t e Prim Prim rimee Mini inisteer visi visi s ted ed Vicctor toriaa Uni U ver Un veersit s ty, sit y then y, the hen au uct ction oned on ed it o on n Tra Trade d de Mee He Me. He th thoug oug ug ght itt wou would ld db bee a cash s co cow w but ut sad adly ly ly th au the aucti cttion cti on n rai aissed d ju j stt $$2 $20 2000.. Even th houg u h the cup was a au autheen ntiiccal nt allyy unwash unwaash unw heed d “fo “forr alll the h we weird irdos ird oss outt th there here e .” A ROTORUA GIRL WAS “GROSSED OUT” a er findin aft d ng a co cockr ckroac ckr oacch in herr b oach bre r akf akfast ast boy b oysen nb berrrie rrriees es. s. “II wa was ve v ry sho hocke cke k d, d it it was ju just st gross, gro ss,,” sshe he tol o d the the h New ew w Zeeala a nd d Her Herald ald.. The ald coc occkro kr aach h fe fellll out of a tin o off Pa P m'ss bo oyseenberr nbeerri rries e es in syr syrup. up. He Her er unfo ortu unatte brot o her ha h d aalre lre r ady d eat aten en no outt of of th he sam same mee ti tin n befo e ore re sh she he ma m de d her herr dii cov discov dis o eery ry. To apol pologi ogi g ssee th thee compa compa mpany ny gavve herr m her tw mo mot t o $10 Pak ‘N N’ Sav ave ve vo vouch uchers uch errs. Woul ould ou d yo ea you eatt a cco ockr ck oa oach fo oac fo orr jusst $220? 0?


10

IN UNISON SON NEWS S

Lemon Detox Diet slammed by GP

(living on maple syrup not very healthy) By Caitlin Duggan

The latest slimming fad among students, the Lemon Detox Diet, is not the way to lose weight says an Auckland GP. GP Gail Houng-Lee says the diet, which consists of eating nothing for up to two weeks and drinking the liquid consisting of palm and maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and water, is a bad way to lose weight. “A diet of fresh fruit and vegetables for the same period of time could help you lose just as much weight without starving y yourself.”

The Lemon Detox diet claims you can lose nine kilograms in ten days. The issue many are having with this diet is that because you are eating nothing at all, people are getting dizzy and some even fainting. Nicole Stanbury (20) did the diet and lost four kilograms and put two of those back on straight away. “I felt dizzy after two days so had to eat some cheese.” The Lemon Detox website gives directions to drink as much as you like of this drink but not to “burden yourself y

with solid foods”. Houng- Lee says to stop feeling dizzy you need to keep up glucose levels and fruit and vegetables do this.” Caitlin Chester (19) did the diet to lose weight after new years. “After two weeks it was all back on.” The diet costs $180 for 14 days of the drink. Houng-Lee says, “You could spend that much money and get a week’s worth of fruit and vegetables.” Celebrities such as Beyonce and Jennifer Aniston have admitted to doing the diet and which has helped p make it so p popular. p


IN UNISON EXTRAS

Fashion

WITH H STEPH PH

Sandra Bullock. Sh Shee may may hav havee had d a tro r ubl u ed few mo month nthss person per son son nall al y. y. Butt prrofe f ssi s ona onally lly,, she she has a to oppe pped pp d the he FFor orbes b lilist st for th the he yea years ye ears hig ig ghes he t paid paid d ac actre tress. ss. s BullRush Chocolates. The kiw k wii ki co-own coowners ers rss p pllan to mou mo ld d up up to 100kg 100 kg of gou o rme m t choc chocola o te ola te int into o a 12-m 12-m metr etre-l e- ong ch e-l choco o lat oco latee bar bar in As b Ash burrton to on, whic which h will will br break eak th thee cu cur u ren entt reco en reco ord. rd

Aaron Nuualititia Graphic Design and Animation

On Campus

11

Starfish. Th T iss Wel W lin We ngto gton n eco o-fr -frien ien iendly ie ndly la label be wi w ll ta tak ake the the presti pre sti t gio gious u ope us op nin ning ni g spot p att N Neew Zea e lan an nd Fash Fash as ion io on We Week. e Body painting. Neo N n is al allll kin k nds ds o fun of fu un n; give give itt a go o at USU USU’s’ss 80 US 80’’s party par ty (se (see see What hat’s’ss On? n?))

Rebecca Brown Graphic Design and Animation

Nicola Mcpherson Graphic Design

Mountain Dew Code Red. Col o our ouring ng ma makes kees su kes uch a differ diff e een enc nce does n doe oes o esn’t iitt?

GOING UP

GOING DOWN Chris Carter. Si S ck? No N t SSick i k? ick Either Eit her er waay, y fai f th iss los lost.t.t You Yo ’ve go to got o fe feel e a litt el ittle lee bit ba bad d for the he guy u .

Mexican Food. Is it it ju jusstt us or aree th aar he pric r es rising ris ising n wh ng w ilee th thee qua qu ualit lityy aand nd dq qua qu u nti ntity ty of o the he avo avocad v cad aad doss wor worsen wo seens??

Sam Arbuckle Certificate in visual arts

Tereza Burgess Communications

The lack of Almond MM’s. They’r The y’rre what whatt wo w uld ul ha h ppe ppen n if a MM an and nd a sco corch rch hed almond alm lmond ha had d child chi ldr drreen n – deli delicio cio io ou us. s. But u why wh a th are t ey not av avail ai abl ab blee in New ew Zealan Zea an nd d??

Lindsay Lohan’s short prison stint. Iff you yo ou do th he crim crim me you sho hould ould ld do o th thee time time!!

Teenage drinking mania. AfterAft er-bal erba l seas bal eason on is ove over,r, go creeate sso omee mor m al pan panic i abo ic about ut som om ometh meth hing in ng g el else. lse. s


12

IN UNISON EXTRAS

10

THE SECOND TIME

AROUND WITH BRUCE LIGHTFOOT “So you want sex?”

“Pardon?” “So you want sex? Is that right? Sex?” She took my monopoly money from my hand and moved to the till. “Yeah, sex, I mean six will be fine.” “Too easy!” The Australian shop assistant rang up my purchase of sex pairs of socks and I was on my way. It got me thinking, sex is just everywhere. On the flight home from the Gold Coast I reflected on the meter maids in their bikinis and men in budgie smugglers everywhere you looked. I know it is warm there, but really, do we need to see everything all the time? How is this new generation coping? Porn is now so common place, that the romance and thrill is gone. In years gone by, watching porn was a mission. You had to know someone, who knew someone, who organised a secret meeting, involving lots of drinking. One person commandeered a projector, and a white sheet was hung on the wall. As it was turned on everyone watched with anticipation. If someone opened a door or window the draft would cause the sheet to flap, and the images would be distorted. Then we would d pl p play ay thee whole th thing hiin ng backw backkwards to catch what wee

had missed. Often without sound d. It was hilarious. Now days, Google will give you porn n options (eventually) no matter wh hat you typed into the search engine. And the rules of engagement havee changed. Once upon a time, if you groped d a giirl without permission, you got a slap p; an nd maybe a thump from her boyfrien nd. Really bad cases saw the Police involved. Now wa lawyer sues you, and who ever you u worrk for. Sex has gone from the bedroom m to the webcam, and is used to sell everytthingg. Let’s face it, according to advertiseers, only cute young people in swimwear drrink Coke. And they all live at the beach h. Sure they eat McDonald’s, but their McDonald’s doesn’t make them faat. Anything for sale is offered with cute sexy images. Or innuendo. Surely the whole sex thing will becom me too much. The pressure, the imagee, wh hat will the new generation make of itt? What damage will it do to their psyche? Can they be brought back from the brink? W herre will it all end up? So, how is this new generation copin ng with this new, total immersed sexu ualissed age? “Whatever.”

NOW DAYS, GOOGLE WILL GIVE YOU PORN OPTIONS (EVENTUALLY) NO MATTER WHAT YOU TYPED IN THE SEARCH ENGINE.

TYPES OF CONDOMS

1 POLI OL TIC ICAL AL CO CONDOM CON DO S. DOM S I’m ta talki lki k ng gO Ob Oba ba bama maa (th t e ulti ultimat matte stim stim mulu uluss packag pac kage) kag e) Pal P lin Pa in (wh w en n ab aabo borti rtion on n iss nott an n optiion opt io on) o orr McCa c iin n (ol o d but not exxpir ol p ed ed). ed) 2 V VIIB VIB IBRAT RATING RA ING NG CO CONDO NDOMS. MS. MS S Turn Tur n you you urssel elf into a vib vibrating vibrat ing di d ldo do in ju ust one easy easy ste st p. p 3 LAM A BSK BSKIIN IN CO CON ONDOM O MS. S. Bestt to Bes to avoi vo d the thes hese as the they don’t do on’t’t pr prote ote tect ctt f om fro m STIs STIs T . plu pluss ther here’s e so e’s some methin me met h ng hin g a liittl ttlee unsett uns ettlin ett lin ling ng abo bou ut usin usin ng a co c nd ndo do om made ad fro om anim iimal al int intest estine est inees, altho althou alt hough g w gh wee do o eat at sau usag saa es es.

4

ETHIOP ETH IOP OP O PIAN AN CO OFFE F EC COND ON OND N OM. OM The he da dark rkk br bro rown w con c dom do s smel smel me l like ike EEtthiop Eth io opia’ i s popu popu p lar ar ma macch c iat cch iatto, o an esp o, espres res e so es s witth a geener w wi nerous ne ous am ous a o oun unt of crea ream m and and n sug u ar. ug ar.

5 MAN M GA GA CON CONDOM DOM OM. M. Ju Jus ustt your st stand and dard rd ru rubbe bbe b r,r exc except ex e it comes ept co omes es in n a cute t pa p cka ckage ck ge and nd ha hass - wait waitt forr itt - a collec col lec e tab ta le pla layin yin yi ing g card r ! rd 6

FRU RU UIT JUI J CE JU CE CON CONTAI TAI TA A NER AI NER CO C NDO DOMS. M MS Fru ru uitt jui juice cee con ontai tai ainer ner co condo n ms. ms In Ingre g die gre d nts nt lilisst Stim Stim mula ulatio tion tio n and and Excite Excite teemen mentt at100 t10 100 per cen cent. nt Pul Pulp p or or no no pulp ulp??

7 SPR SPRAY ON CON CONDOM DOM M. Will the W thee gir girls lss bel b iev be ieve it’s no ieve nott just just u a bit b of of Lynx? Lyn x? It It’s’s’ a prettty ty har hard d sell sell e .

8

AST STROL ST ROL RO O OG OGY GY CO C N ND NDO D MS. Ho o Hor osc scop ope pe fa fanat naatics nat cs caan easi easi as ly l se see e ifif th heir sig gns are a e compa compa co mp tib tible. l le.

9 CON NDOM DOM METR ETRIC. T IC. TR IC C. (Thee cond (Th ondom n om o rul ruler) er)) gr er great fo gre forr girl ir s or show show how-offs, off s, now ow yyo ou won won on’ n t have to geestu sture st ree or e ima est mate te wh when whe n you yo ou u go gos ossip sip wi w th you yourr frie frie r nds d th the h ne next xtt day d .

10 DIN DINOSA OSAUR UR CON ONDOM NDOM.. Fo For orr pe people peo ple who who are a re reall allly too too imm immatu ature atu ree to t be havving i seex. x.


R U O

S 2 E S R E T OUR

S Y E M E E T S A R

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IN W O T N I AND BE

n A n i

W

! d a P i

IT ONLY TAKES 2 MINUTES

TO ANONYMOUSLY RATE YOUR COURSE ONLINE

usu

YOUR COURSE YOUR FEES YOUR FUTURE YOUR SAY


14

IN UNISON

FEATURE

RK LOVATT ILLUSTRATIONS: MA

THIS IS A CATALOGUE OF GIRLS AND BOYS I FELT EROGENOUSLY TOWARDS BETWEEN THE AGES OF FOUR AND TWELVE (PRIMARY SCHOOL AND INTERMEDIATE) IN CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER. I WILL TRY TO NOT MISS ANY OUT.


IN UNISON FEATURE

CASSANDRA: ""CCaasssaandra nd dra ra" a" weent to th he ssaame me kinde in nd deerg rgar aarrtteen as as me in in Chris hrisstc tchu hu h urc rch. h I caan’ n’t reem meeemb mb m ber heerr naam me. e We we w ree bot oth h fo our-y urr-yyea u ears r -o -old -old d. Sh She ha had veery had r th hiin bl blon onde on ndee haaiirr an h nd d wo orre th hiiss pin inkk pa p rk r a an a d ha had th hiss th hin ng wher wh heerrree he h r ffaace ce and lip i s, s, espec sp pec ecia iall ia ly ll heer lips h liips, ps, wo woul uld go go blu ue al a l th thee ti time mee. Sh m S e lo lloo oo okked e lik ike ke a blue bllue uebe berr be rr yy.. I rem rry. emem mb beer waan w nttin ing tto o liicck ck h heer fa f ce ce. CASSANDRA APPLEBY: Wh W heen n I was a fi fivvee yyeear arss-ol olld I st o old star aarrrte t d pr te prim i ar im aryy sccho hool o at St ol St Maart M rtin rtin in’s ’ss pri rima marryy sch mary hoo o l in n Ch hrris istc tcchu tchu hurc rcch h.. Theer Th ere w waas a gi girrll in m myy cla lass ss nam med d Caassssandr C an ndr dra Ap A p plleby eb by an and sh he h haad re red ed h haair ir and waas rreeal an ally lyy ski k nn nny. y I wan y. anted teed he herr to o marr ma arr rry r y mee an nd d we co c ul u d ha have ve a fam mil ilyy.. In one In ne arrtt ses e sion sion si o , I ma madee su urre I dr d ew e for lo fo for longgerr tha han evveerr yone yo one ne els lsee be beca c us u eI th thou hou o gh ghtt that tth hat at wou ould uld ld impre mpress mp reesss thee shi hit ou outt of heerr. of

ELEANOR: I satt nexxt ttoo Elelean a or an o eve very r yda ry day wh w heen n my fa fami milyy movved d to D Du une nedi din. n We weere w re bot oth iin n Mr. Ash hwi w th th’ss cla lass ss.. H Hee is no n ow de dead. aad d. Sh She ha had d biig te teet etth an and d a ffrrin inge ge. Iu ussed d to li like ke when hen ou he ur knee kn nee ees w wo ou ulld tto ouc uch e ch ea ch oth ther er ben enea eath ea h ourr dessks. kss I wo oul uld even ev en sit en i siid dew eway ayss on on my ch hai a r so s tha hat th he fr freq eque eq uenc ue ncy of o ourr leg eg touch ou uch chin ng w wo oul uld d iin ncr ncr crea ease ea assee. I ca c n’ n t prrovve it it,, beca beecaaus u e we w nevver diisc d s cu ussse sed d tth his is,, bu ut I’ I’m fa fair iirrly ly sur ure sh he di dd th the he ssaaam mee thi m h ngg. One ttiime On ime m we we weree sittting were tiing ng at ou ur de desk skks sks and I re an reeme mem me mb b ber er tha h t ou o r kn k ee e sh haad be been en n pret pr etty ty mu ucch to oucchi h ngg fo orr the he who h lee cllas cla asss.. We we weree lea e rn ning in ng ab abou ou out ut di d ff ffer e en er nt ttyyp pees of of ro occks ks. Ig Igne neeou n us//sseedime dime di ment ntar ary/ ar yy// meetaam m meta mo orp rphi hic. c It wa wass my m rigghtt kne neee to ou ucchi hin ngg her lef e t kkn nee ee.. Th Then en n I go ott an erec erec er e ti tion on o n. That was a thee fi firrstt ereect ctio io on I ev eveerr gottt.. I did go dn’ n’t kn know o wha ow hatt to do or o wha h t it was. wa s. I wen nt to t thee toiile let an a d tr trieed to trie to pee it ou o ut. ut. t. Butt I cou ulld dn’ n t. Elea Elea El e no nor or le left fftt Dun uned din n halfw alfw al fwayy th hrrou ugh gh the th he ye year ar. ar r. I th t in nk sh shee mo ove ved to Geral erral aldi dine di ne.

RUBY: Af Afte ter Elea ter Elleaan no or left leefftt I staart rted ed likking in ng th his is gir irll naamed meed Ru R byy. SSh he wo worree reed d bow o s in n her piiggta tail ils an il nd wo w re lit ittl ttlle dr dres esse s s.. She se haad re h real aallly ly bigg che heek ekss an ek nd wh hen e it go gott co c ld d th hey e wen nt al a l bllot o ch hy an nd re red. d She d. he wass in ou ur sc s ho hool plaay an and so and o was as I. Wee pla laye yed ye d th he tw two o le leaad d cha haract hara raactterrs. s We we were bro oth ther eerr an nd siistteerr. I al a wa ways ys wan ante teed to to giv ive ve he h ra kkiiss ss.

KATE MCNASH: Kat atee is is my co cous ussin in and d she an nd heer fa f miily ly cam me to vvis issit it us. s Kate ate is a at few fe wm mo ont nths hss young h ou ung nger er tha han n me. me. Ka me K te and n me and an nd my my lit ittl tle br tle b ot othe h r an a d Kate Katee’s Ka ’s bro roth tth her er and an d si sistteerr allll wen nt to t the h plaayg ygrro ound un nd at at my prima my riima mary rryy sch choo choo ol. l We pl p ayyed on th thee sl slid idee id an nd in the he for o tt.. Whe h n me and n Kat atee weere att th hee top op of th thee fo ort rt she sai a d th that a sh at hee woul wo uld ul d sh show o me he ow h r va v gi gina na if I ssh how wed d heerr my penis my en nis. I di d dn n’tt know no ow wh hyy,, b bu ut I di d d it aan nyw yway ay. I sp spen pen nt a fe f w yyeearrs wo ond nder e ing er in ng wh w et ethe herr he it wou it ould ld be p ld po oss ssib ib bllee/o oka k y to o get mar a ri ried ed d to my cco ous usin in butt eve v nt ntu uall uall ua l y de lly d ci cide ded it de it waass prrob p bab ably ill lleggal al..

W wer We eree bo boyyffri r en e d d//gi girl r fr rl frie iend ie nd forr alm lmos osst o st sixx mo si mont nths hss I think h hiink nk. I th t ou o ght gh ht wee wou uld d gett maarr ge rrie ied. ie d I sen d. e t he herr an a emai maail il say ayin ingg in sh he wa wass be b au auti tifu ti f l an fu and d sa said aid d I’d had d a dre ream am whic wh i h wa ic wass li like k the sccrree een saave v r - wh her eree al alll th he sttar arss fl flyy at a you u - butt ins nste teead tead a of sttaarrs it was a her heaad. I had mad adee th that at up, p, butt I thou th ough ou gh ht it it was rom man anti tiic. c Two day ays ys la l te t r herr fr he frie iend ie nd n d Kat a e Sa S nd ndfo ford fo rd d saiid Am mel elia lia diidn n’tt wan nt to o be my my girrlf lfri rien ri en end nd an a y mo more re.. re Amel Am eellia was as the las astt peers r on on wit i h wh hom getttin gett ge ng ma marr rrie rr ied wa ied ie wass pa p rt of th tthe he fa fant ant nttas ntas asy. as y

EMMA SLOANE: Em mma ma Sllo loan aan ne ne wa wass a w AMELIA BRIAN: M Myy fam amil ily m mo ovveed b back ba ckk to o Ch hrris isttcch hu urc rch ch wh w en en I was as ninein nee--ye year arrsarsso d. ol d Whe hen nIw waas 1 11 1 I was as in Mr M s Mc McCain Caain in's 'ss clas cl a s (r as (o oo om 12 12). ) Ame m li liaa Br Briaan waas in i tha h t clas cl aasss to too. oo. o She he wor o eh heer h haaiirr in a po pony nyy taiil a d ha an had d wo wonkky te t et eth bu butt ni n ce eye yes. s.. She he pllayed p ayyeed d net etba b llll (GA ba G )).. I joi o ne n d th t e sc scho hoo ho oll’ss in indo ndo d orr nettba b ll teeaam b beecaaus usee I li l keed Am A el elia ia.. ia Sh he lliive ved d ab a ou ut 500 500 metr 50 meetr tres e aw es waay ay frrom m my ho h ousse on Pro ross ssss Rd an and I usseed d to ttaake ke walks aallks do own n there heree at nigh he niigh ht and an nd llo ook at he her ho her hous use. e. e. I wo woul uld wa uld ul walk lkk pas astt he h r ho hous usse ab bout ou ut seeve ven en tiime mess in n th hee hop opee sh he wo woul u d lo look okk out ut her wiin nd do ow w an nd d see ee me an and d saay “H Hii.. Come ome in om n.”” At thi his sttag age, ee,, peo opl p e at my sc s hool ho ool o wer ee beecomi co om miing boy oyfr frrie iend nd ds//gi girl rrllfr friieend nds. s. I decid eccid deed d I wa w nt nted ed her e to be be my gi g rllfrrie iend n .Iw waas as t o ne to nervvou nerv ouss to o askk her er. W Wee use sed d to o tallk a lo lot in in cla lass ss an nd d on MS MSN Me M sssen enge geer. r. I go got ot to told ld d by Da D viie Riid dd dle that dle haat sh he li like ked ke ked m too me o . On Onee lu lunc nch nc h ti time me my ccllas me asss we were re all play pl ayin ayi ing an and d fo our boyys gr grab aab bbe bed d me m and fou our ggiirlls gr grab ab bb beed Am Amel elia el ia and ia d the hey dr hey drag a ge ag ged d us us toge to ggeeeth th heerr an nd d som o eeo on nee yellleed “a “ask sk heerr to be sk be your yo urr gir irlf lfri lf rien rien ri end d you yo ou d diickh ckkhe head ad.” d.”” I did and nd she h s id sa d yeess and nd eve very ryyon o e le l t go go of us us . This i was th hee saam me ttiime me peopl eo op plle st s ar arte rted teed tto o kiss ki sss eacch ot o her. heer. r Th Theey al alll ca call all lled ed it “g ed “ge getti etti et t ngg with wi ith t ”. ” I was as to af afraaid d to “gget wiitth h”” Ame meli liia becaaus be u eId diidn dn’t ’t kn ’t no ow if i “ggeett ttin tin ng wi w th t ” some so ome meon ne wa wass di diff ffer eren er eren e t to kiisssi singg som omeo on nee an nd I di d dn n’tt waan nt to be an a idi dio ott. We We useed to holld ha hand nds ds a lo ot. t . On ncce I he h ard ard sh ar shee “ggot o with with wi th” Sa Sam Th Thom om mas a at JJo ohn n McK Kniigh ght’ t’ss birt birt bi rthd hday hd ay par arty ty but u she he saiid it was assn’ n’t tr n’t n’ true ue.

sh horrt, blo lond n e to tomm-bo mb y. bo y I liikked ed herr bec ecau cau ause use se sh he waas sm maarrt rt an and d se seem emed em ed d to be the h m st mo s una n tttai aina inaablle el elev even ev even e -yyea eararr olld at Saain intt Ma Mart rtin rt rtin in’s n’ss priima m ry r /int /iint n er erme rme medi diat di attee.. Sh he ne neve verr re ve retu turn tu rn ned d my aff affeect ctio io ons ns. I as aske ked ke d her to her he t be my my gir i lffriien nd th thre ree tiimees. s Her e lliitt itttle brro oth her er Rhy h sw waas a co cool ol guyy and ol n he t ough th ou ugh ghtt I wa w s fu unn nnyy and an nd tto old hiss sisste ter err to o bee my gi b girl rllfr rlfr frie iend butt tha hat d diidn d ’tt makke a d ff di ffer e een er nce ce.

KERI WHITAU: Wh When en I was nin en inee an and 10 0 I usseed to sp piit on n Keerri Wh W it itau’s au u’s law wn wh hen e ev ever er I’d d wal alkk pa passtt her e house ou use se. W Wh hen nI waas 12 I went en nt to a mix ixed ed gen ed nde derr slleeepo p ver veer wher wh her eree we we wat atch ched ch ed d thee Bla lair irr Wit itch ch h Pro oje j ct ct and pl and an p ay ayed ed d spi pin n th thee bo b ttttle tle. lee. I la land nd ded e on Keri Ke ri Whi ri h ta tau u an and d sh shee lean leeaned aned an d acr cros osss tth oss he ciirc r le and nd kis i seed me me and d tha h tw waas my my fi firrst kiss ki ss.. Sh ss S e haas fr frec e kl ec kles es and es d loo o ke ked like ked liike k a chip ch pmu m nk and nd see eeme med st me stre reet re eet etwi w se se.. On O my seeco ond d sp piin in I laand n ed on Ke Kerii aga gain in n an nd d we had ha d to o “get get wi ge with th” eeaach h oth ther herr. W Wee waallke ked d away aw wayy frro om th om he gr grou up p.. Shee diid d alll the h wor orkk and an d ha had gu um in n her e mou outh. th h. Sh Shee ha had da musc mu ssccul u ar a an nd d ang ngullar ar ton ngu g e. e She he wass exp ex expe peeri rien ence ceed an nd had haad an n unr nreq eq qu uiiteed cr crus ussh u on n Tom o San nde derrss. s.

THEN I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL. THE END OF PART ONE.

15


16

IN UNISON PHOTOS

2010 TERTIARY CHALLENGE

1S

2N

T P L

L D P

AC

EI N

NE

OU IN T ACE

TBA

LL

CH

THIS YEARS TERTIARY CHALLENGE w was as ag again n he held eld at at Wa Wai a kat kato o Univ nivers ni ersity ers it wi ity with th Unitec Unitec ec se e sendi sendi nd ng a team team of o 12 20 stud tudent tu udent entss. en ent s. REPRESENTING UNITEC WERE:

3 fo foot ottba b ll tea eams mss 3 net e ba b ll tea eams ms 2 to touc uch h teeam amss

1 bas a ket etba ball team ba eaam 1 Ultim lttimat mat atee Fr Fris Fris isbe b e be teeam m

1 vol o leeyb ybal alll te team am Out u off th ut the 6 sp sport ort o rts we we ente ente ntered red e , 3 team ed tea eamss eam made it thro made through ugh gh h to o th he finaals. Ou Ourr Touc ouch h and Fo Footb otb ot tball allll te team a finish am shing shing g 2n nd afte ter er losi osing ng g in n the th final n s and na d our neetbaall tea e m taki taki aking ng out o

thee fifinal nal n na a ag again ain nst Auc Auckla kland kla l nd Uni U ver Un ersit si y. sit y Wiith W ith t theesee thr three e tea ee t ms ms suc succes ce s, we ces man nage to finis n h 3rd 3rd d ove overal rall in thee poi ral points nts t table tab l beh le b in nd n d Au uckl ckland and wh ho fini fini nish sh h 2nd n an and d the h ov o era eralllll winner er n ag gain waas Waikato aik ikkato ato. A gre great att eff ffort ff orrt fr ort from om TEA AM UNIT N EEC C as we finish we hed d ahe head ad d off big ig Un Unive iversi rsi siittiees like ke AU AUT UTT an nd Maass ssey Alb Albany an . Ever any verybo ve ybody ybo dy had an aweesom an s me dayy and a ar aree alre alre ready re a y lo ady ooki oking ng forr war wa d to to next e ye years a s Teerti ars rtiary ary r Ch Chall alleng all eng gee!!

MORE PHOTOS AT WWW.USU.CO.NZ


IN UNISON

17

WHAT'S ON?

CHOREO

FEATURE

FE ST

EVENT

FRIDAY 20TH AUGUST

USU PRESENTS: THE 80’S PARTY! Y! CARRINGTON’S BAR, MT ALBERT USU is bringing back the 80’s – so embrace it – we want to see lycra, cra fluro fluro, big hair, hair blue eyeshadow and sweat bands. The 80’s look is about colour, volume and lots of it! DJ Reminise will be on the decks playing all your favourite tunes, mixed in with some 80’s flavour, and there will be a free body painting station, where you can get painted up with fluorescent paint before heading inside under the black lights.  We’ve also got some mean gear from Globe to giveaway on the night.  Tickets $5 for USU members (all Unitec Students) With a free CD from USU Reception $10 for non members and door sales. TUESDAY 24TH AUGUST – FRIDAY 3RD SEPTEMBER BUNGALOW 6 EXHIBITION Work from second year Bachelo or of Visual Arts students o Long Black Café and Studio 14, Mt Albert

WEDNESDAY 18TH AUGUST USU SNOW CLUB TRIP TO SNOW PLANET Departs Unitec at 5pm $20 entry or $32 for entry and gear hire Please email: usuclubs@unitec.ac.nz to register

THURSDAY 19TH AUGUST

USU FREE FILM DATE NIGHT The Gold Lecture Theatre SATURDAY 28TH AUGUST 5.30pm - All welcome! Tina Fey and Steve Carell play a FREE: LYNFIELD’S STRONGEST typical suburban couple whose MAN COMPETITION WEDNESDAY 18TH AUGUST lives - including their weekly date Lynfield Recreation Centre SUNDAY 5TH SEPTEMBER night of dinner and a movie - have 10.30am ZIRKA CIRCUS become routine. In an attempt to North Harbour Stadium, Albany reignite the marital spark, they visitt WEDNESDAY 25TH AUGUST Zirka Circus is the first new circus to a trendy Manhattan bistro where hit the New Zealand scene in many a case of mistaken identity throws SATURDAY 11TH SEPTEMBER years. Zirka has a contemporary THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES the couple way over their heads show featuring 30 incredible The Basement Theatre, Low wer into the centre of a high-profile international acrobats, beautiful Greys Ave crime ring. Not knowing who they costumes and choreography as well can trust, it's no easy task to set The Vagina Monologues mo oves as death defying and unbelievable beyond embarrassment and d feaar matters straight. feats of human strength and and examines how “down th here”” is bravery. Tickets from $18 a means of female empoweerment www.zirkacircus.com and the ultimate embodimeent of individuality. Tickets from $20 MORE EVENTS AT W W W. U S U . C O . N Z

WEDNESDAY 25TH AUGUST – SATURDAY 25TH SEPTEMBER UNITEC PRESENTS: CHOREOFEST TE MAHURU A stim stim mula laatin ting g danc an e trip riptyc tych h of unique un uni quee an and d inno ovative vativee st stude u nt ude wor w wo orks k fro om New Zeaaland’s lan nd’s’ lea leadin eadin ding cont ntemp nt emp m oraaryy danc daance dan ce and nd cho ch horeo reeogra raaphy raphy p pr prog ogr gramm amm m e. e. Th The hese se se excciti iting ng n g wor wo ks off ffer er a fre ressh and nd varied var aried pe persp rsp pect ective ive ve on n ar a t,t, lif lii e and d per e for fo m man an nce cee tth thr hroug o h tthe ou h eye he eyes of the the U tec Da Uni Dan nce nc ce Scchoo h ll’ss first rst,, sec eco co on nd d yea e r and n g graadua adua duatin tin ng cont o emp mpora orary ora ry dance dan cee stu studen den en nts. ALL SHOWS WILL BE HELD AT: Unitec Uni tec Dance Dance Da ce St Studi udios udi os os B ldi Bui ld ding 7 d Gatee 1, Carr Gat Carr arring i ton ing on Rd Rd,, Mt Albe lbert r Adu Adults Ad d ltts $1 $ 5, 5 Con Conces ccesssio sion n $10 wit with wi h ID D (Un (U Un nite t c staff taff,, unwage unw nwage ged, d se d, sen niior or o s) s) Stu uden d ts t $5 wit w h ID wi Ticket Tic ketss from iTIC ket T KET w .it ww www .itick ick c et. et co. co.nz co nz WEDNESDAY 25TH -SATURDAY 28TH AUGUST CHOREOFEST: TAHI FFir irstt yea yearr danc ancee stud u ent ntss 7pm 7p pm–9p pm WEDNESDAY 8TH SATURDAY 11TH SEPTEMBER CHOREOFEST: RUA Seecond Sec ond nd ye year a stu ar uden de ts 7pm–9p 7pm –9p 9pm m WEDNESDAY 22ND SATURDAY 25TH SEPTEMBER CHOREOFEST: TORU Gradua Gra raadua duatin u ttin ting ing clas cla las aasss of thir thi hir h irrd year ird ea stu uden e tss 7p pm–9p pm–9p pm


18

IN UNISON FE FEAT AT T UR RE

a plac pllac p acee to to fi fin nd th that at spe p ciial al som meo one PLEASE PLE ASE EN NOTE: NO OTE TE: E A All listings All liisti tings ng g for fo or escorts esco scorts rtt and rts an nd erotic ero erot rottic massages m sag mas gess will wi l now wil no n ow o w aapp appear pear on n th thee plea pleasure p leaasur suree page. page page ag .

THH ANKS ANN KS K TO THH E 16 1677 ME M N WH W O ANN SW SWER ERR ED M Y A D LLAA ST W EEEE KK,, I AAM MY M N OOW W A L ESS BI B AAN N. N.

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Nice girl

Je er rk k seeks ee eks k gir rl

ssee ee ekkss guyy fo for or chic chic i k flic flick icck watchi wa wat chiing chi ng an and nd d cu cuddl udd ddles es on n the th he co ouch. Idea d l man m ma an iss not not an no an assh ssh hole ole ol l , has ass no o co commi mm tme mmi tm m nt nt isssu iss ues ess, buys fl flowe owers ow owe rrss and n rem ememb em e e em emb erss b biirrth th hday hday days. s. A s. dis d iislik slik like of rugb by and and d be bee b eer pre p re e efer fer fe erab abl b e. e

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G U Y, 2 2 , S E E K S G I R L W TH WI T H R EA E A LI LIST STT IICC E XP XPEC E TAATTII ON EC O NSS INN A B OY O FRR IEE ND. NDD.

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HAVE HA AVE TAK AKEN KEN EN A VIAG VI AGRA R A. RA Need Nee eed woma o an n, any n, nyy wo wom man m an n, 18+ u up p to to (bu b t not o inc includ nclu lud ding ng g) ccor co orp pse se es. s.

I’M I’ M SE SEEK KIIN NG NG som omeon om ne wh ho o ccan aan n do o an awe awesom me Goll Golllum// Sme Smeago me eago a l impr imp mpr m p ess esssion ion to lea to eave ve mes ve messag sag sa a es ag es on n myy pre pr cio ous girrlfr lffrien iend’s end’s d ansswer ans w ing we in ng m maachine ch chi h ne. ne. e

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MA L E , T H I N,

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I AM AM LO OO OKI KING G FOR

AG GIIRL R F FR RIE END N . I’m m a nicce g guy, uy, uy y ea early arlyy 20s 20 0s, u usua sual inte sual nteres rests, re res ts, s wou w ou uld dm mak ake ke a g grreat eat boyyfri boyfri fr end friend d to so ome e luc uckyy lad ady. dy. y How ow weve e er,r, I wilill not w o be b mak m king ng g an a y gra g gr rand d rom omant om omant ntticc ge ntic ges g estures tur ue ur ess d ing dur in ng ou ur rela rela ell ttio onsh hip. p Have you Hav u any any id i eaa ho how ow exxp pen ensiv en s eh hot o airr ot balloo bal lo loo o n nss are a e tto o hi hire? I’I’m hire? ’m a erg all rgic to rg to pol p len len, so so you you won’t won ’t be be get g tin ing g anyy flower flo werss and n I like i e sl s im gir g irlss so o tha haat rule rule es out ou utt sp spo p nta nttaaneo neous eouss cho hocol col col o ate a based ba bas d gif g ts. t I am ts m a mort or al, al, cannott fl can flyy and n wil w l not wi o be fighti fighti t ng ng any a we erew ewolv ewolv ollves es fo yo for you. u I ccoul ou ou oul uld bite itte yo your u ur nec ne n eck if that ec hat a ’s wha whatt you wh ou are e into, in nto, to to o,, bu but plea lease s don se d ’t b te bit e my neck nec e k ba eck bacck ck; kk; I weaar ope ope op en collllar are red d shir hirts hi t att my ts m w rkk.. I have wo wor av no av o in inten te tio te tion n o che of he eati att ng g on o you ou u -I’m -I’m -I m not n ot th that at kin ki d of guyki uy bu uy ut sh uld sho uld ul d I go to o tow town n one one e eve ve enin ni g with nin i th it t e boys bo oyy oys a dh and haave e too oo mu oo much ch to o drr n dri nkk th the hen thin h h g gss ma may hap ppen e . en.

T O T HA TO H T GU G YW WH HO GROP GR ROP OPED ED D MY BU BUT TT T IN

T WN TO W LAS AST WE EEK E at Fu F Bar Baar. I to old d you y iff yo y u did iitt ag a ain n I wou would ld d hun un nt yo do you down wn and wn nd ki killll you kill ou u. Ple P lease e re eply plyy wi w th t your you ou ur a dres add rres ess. s.


IN UNISON FEATURE

High maintenance babe,

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Barbie seeks

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M A N , 40

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19


20

IN UNISON

FEATURE

FRIDAY NIGHT. THREE GIRLS. ALL OF THEM VIRGINS, SEX SHOP VIRGINS AT LEAST. Nervous, scared, apprehensive, they needed some liquid courage before embarking on this erotic adventure. Procrastinating, they head out for a pre-sex shop dinner in Ponsonby in an attempt to fake classiness.


IN UNISON FEATURE

FIRST GIRL: A self confessed prude. Let’s call her Prue. In a steady relationship with a sensible guy, this girl’s fetishes only involve white dresses and diamonds on her left hand. SECOND GIRL: Liberty has recently acquired a sexual liberality. With her latest conquest waiting for a 2am call, this girl thought maybe it was time to branch out. THIRD GIRL: The ultimate single party girl, Sindy is up for a laugh, she's the one who makes outrageous suggestions but won’t necessarily follow through.

enough to bring back their nerves. They feel the staring eyes of judgement from cars passing by, convinced the drivers must know what they are up to. There is plenty of choice in this part of town: The Pleasure Chest, Kinks Adult Shop or Eroxx. Eroxx is a recognisable name – they advertise on the radio. Surely something that plays on The Edge can’t be too bad? They decide to go for the mainstream. “You first,” says Prue, pushing Sindy through the door. Feigning braveness, she

21

more to convince herself than the other two. Prue turns around in horror to see Sindy losing her false, calm exterior. “What the fuck is that?” she exclaims. “Shhhhhh!” says Liberty. “They’re anal beads.” Sindy is disgusted, she’s heard the odd rumour, but close up realisation is another matter altogether. Later that evening, over another bottle of wine, she describes the experience as her “eyes being violated”.

THE GIRLS APPROACH A SET OF LIGHTS AND SPOT A ROW OF SHOPS – THIS MUST BE WHAT THEY ARE LOOKING FOR.

HALF DRESSED MANNEQUINS SPORTING FRENCH MAID OUTFITS AND ROUND, WIDE MOUTHED, EXPRESSIONS LINE THE WINDOWS. DESTINATION: D.VICE 27 Ponsonby Rd.

A mutual friend tells the girls D.VICE is as classy as a sex shop is ever going to get. So they slink down Ponsonby Rd, attempting to remain incognito, only to find the door locked and lights out. Classy, in this case, must mean customers only require sex toys during normal working hours. Where to next? DESTINATION: Karangahape, A.K.A “K” Rd. Notions of classiness abandoned, and the wine taking effect, they pluck up the courage to venture into Auckland’s most notoriously seedy part of town. The walk is short, but long enough to regret their choice of outfits. Trench coats and high heels were not the smartest attire for a street known for its prostitutes. A few metres into the strip and Prue, the prude, spies a local. “Look, there’s one,” she exclaims in a loud, not so subtle, whisper. The girls approach a set of lights and spot a row of shops – this must be what they are looking for. Half dressed mannequins sporting French maid outfits and round, wide mouthed, expressions line the windows. The short pause at the lights, complete with a wolf whistle, is

takes the awkward first few steps in and the doorbell alerts the staff member to new customers. “Hey guys,” Mr Red Shirt says, drawing out the last word as he sees who his latest visitors are. “Can I help you with anything?” Stunned silence. Then Liberty remembers her manners on behalf of the group. “No, we’re just browsing thanks.” Sindy can barely contain her laughter and ventures into the depths of the store, trying to put as much distance between her and the counter as possible. Prue starts hyperventilating. “At least we’re the only ones in here,” she says. Alas, she spoke too soon. A skinny white male - the kind you’d see on Police Ten 7 - walks into the store and heads to the “back room” with purpose, past the naughty videos. Prue grabs Liberty’s arm and makes a face “did you see the room full of porn with the private theatre?” Sindy fakes nonchalance and pretends to look at the so called “sexy” lingerie. Prue discovers the hen’s night games and party favours, which are less intimidating. She repeatedly tells the other girls that “if they have chocolate shaped penises, this must not be a very dodgy shop at all”. It’s

“They were only a couple of centimetres away from my face” she whispers in recollection. Right next to the beads is a wide and colourful array of dildos and vibrators of every shape and size. Sindy quickly finds The Rabbit, made famous from Sex And The City. The Rabbit is joined by its animal kingdom friends the The Dolphin and The Beaver. Liberty scans the rows, checking prices – she finds they are surprisingly expensive. Prue is unknowingly looking in the male section. She wonders aloud how any girl could possibly enjoy the larger sized instruments. Her thoughts are interrupted by Sindy’s joyful exclamation: “This one is pretty! It’s got sparkles!” A little bedazzling and instantly the shop transforms into something enjoyable. More like a trip to the mall on a Saturday afternoon. The girls spend a considerable amount of time trying to find the prettiest and most decorated toys. “I just wish they wouldn’t make some of them so lifelike, veins and all,” whispers Prue. A couple walk into the store and the first man is nowhere to be seen. Prue,


22

IN UNISON FEATURE

“This brand,” he says, gesturing at a row of well packaged vibrators, “is like the Ferrari. It makes these others like a Ford or Holden.” with no attempt to hide her disgust, reminds the other girls he is in the private theatre room. The couple are after party pills, of the “legal” variety, and spend a good amount of time talking to Mr Red Shirt about what the best highs are. Another couple walks in. They look surprisingly respectable, the kind of people you’d sit next to in a cafe. They browse the store uninhibited and carefree. Meanwhile, in the dildo aisle, the girls have spotted the blow up sexual organs and dolls. This is too much for poor Prue. Hand over her face, she heads back to look at the comparatively innocent penis shaped straws and ice trays. The sex shop virgins have been browsing for about 20 minutes now. Mr Red Shirt has no customers to deal with and sneaks up on them. “Can I help you with anything ladies?” Liberty issues the standard reply: “No thanks, we’re just browsing.” He doesn’t get the hint, or doesn’t want to. “I’ve been working here for eight years while I’ve been studying,” he continues. “I know a lot about all the products.”

He sees the girls facing the vibrators and takes this as an opportunity to share his knowledge. “This brand,” he says, gesturing at a row of well packaged vibrators, “is like a Ferrari. It makes these others like a Ford or Holden.” Horrified, Prue silently pleads for him to leave it at that. Sindy is still trying to grasp the difference between the makes of cars so she can apply the metaphor to the task at hand. “Now these,” he continues, oblivious to their distress, “are for men,” pointing to a row of intimidating, foreign looking objects. “These are butt plugs. Men put them up their... you know where.” “Oh god,” says Prue, not so quietly. The girls force smiles and thank Mr Red Shirt for his help. All of them are trying to string together a plausible explanation as to why they are in a sex shop on a Friday night. Hens party? Funny 21st birthday gift? No one can get the words out. Mr Red Shirt walks back to the counter. “If you need any more help, just

sing out.” “Let’s get out of here,” Prue says. She comes up with a subtle plan of action. “We’ll take one more look at the chocolate body paint and then leave.” The plan goes well and Mr Red Shirt cheerily farewells them with a wave as they rush out of the store making neither a purchase nor eye contact. Sindy stops in the doorway in front of a mannequin dressed as a saucy pirate. “Didn’t someone wear this to your birthday party Liberty?” Hasty to put some distance between themselves and the scene of the crime, the girls walk briskly along K Rd. Sindy spies The Den and suggests they have a quick look. Prue keeps walking and won’t stop to even discuss the possibility. Liberty has no interest is a second shop visit. She has come to the conclusion that sex toys are really quite exciting, but next time, she’ll order her goodies online. NEXT WEEK: Prue, Liberty and Sindy aim to take on the strip clubs. Who knows if they’ll actually make it through the doorsor out again- alive.


IN UNISON COLUMNS

23

WHAKARONGO

MAI

SAD/IMPOTENT

BY JOSEPH HARPER

Columnist Joseph Harper

THE WORLD IS PRETTY SHIT and there are e a lot of horrible things everywhere and horrible peo ople. I think it’s probably pretty difficult to be happy if you aren’t totally ignorant/fully immersed in playing X-box and scoring chicks and eating chips/being real pumped about the All Blacks and next year’s World Cup. As such, loads of people are unhappy. Not just sad because your lecture ran late and by the time you got the cafe they were all out of brownies and vegetarian Panini. Properly sad, because you are really lonely and most of the people you see and have to talk to everyday are actually dickheads who you disagree with on an ideological and ethical and aesthetic level. How shit is that new shoe shop in Point Chev? There is a tee-shirt in

erectile dysfunction. It is difficult to get an erection. It is difficult to maintain an erection. It is impossible to achieve orgasm. I guess this is problematic. Semen cheers people up. Studies have shown that women and men who are regularly exposed to semen are less likely to be affected by depression than those who go semen-less. Sexual intercourse reduces stress, increases serotonin production, releases endorphins, promotes healthy sleep habits and boots self-esteem. I’m not some “sexy guy” who loves “banging/being banged by babes”. But in terms of mental health and wellbeing, I generally would consider intercourse to be a “good” thing. Therein lies the dilemma. Taking pills to help make me happy. One of the side-effects however results in

HOW SHIT IS THAT NEW SHOE SHOP IN POINT CHEV? THERE IS A TEE-SHIRT IN THE WINDOW THAT WOULD COMFORTABLY FIT AN ELEPHANT AND HAS A TOPLESS GIRL ON IT AND SHE HAS SHOES IN FRONT OF HER BREASTS AND IT SAYS, “NICE PAIR”. JESUS. the window that would comfortably fit an elephant and unhappiness/lack of sexual fulfilment. Talk about a pickle. has a topless girl on it and she has shoes in front of her I don’t know what to do about this. I’ve made pro/con breasts and it says, “NICE PAIR”. Jesus. lists. I’ve consulted my doctor. I’ve spoken with friends. So people are unhappy. I am unhappy. My doctor I’ve spoken with family (that was a tough conversation has me on this medication called Citalopram. It’s an for Mum). I don’t know what to do. Which is why I’m antidepressant. The pills are small and white and I take asking the students of Unitec to make up my mind for two in the morning with my cup of tea and vegemite on me. Leave comments online or email them to the editor to toast. The pills are supposed to help stabilise my moods. forward to me inunison@unitec.ac.nz . I’d like you to send Great. I guess they work. It’s hard to be objective with me a letter advising me whether you would choose sex or something like that. citalopram. I’m putting the choice in your hands Unitec. Make it wisely. Pills like this normally have side-effects. Some make your urine turn an exciting colour. Others make you This column discusses serious issues which may upset some readers. sleepy all the time. Others make you sleepy never. If you need to seek advice you should see your doctor or call the free Others make you not want to eat. Others make you depression helpline 0800 111 757 or visit www.depression.org.nz itchy. Others dry out your lips. These pills give me


NOMINATIONS CLOSE FRIDAY 27 AUGUST


IN UNISON EXTRAS

WHAT TO DO: TO MAINTAIN GOOD SEXUAL HEALTH TH

Love, sex & romance

HOROSCOPES Leo

SO, YOU’RE SEXUALLY ACTIVE or thinking about becoming sexu ually

active. Sex shouldn’t be scary, but there are risks involved th hat you should take precautions against. Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) and unwanted pregnancy can easily be avoiided d. CONTRACEPTION: DIAPHRAGMS: Protects against

pregnancy but not STIs. CONTRACEPTIVE PILL: Protects against pregnancy but not STIs. THE INJECTION: Protects against pregnancy but not STIs. CONDOMS: Protects against pregnancy and STIs. Make sure you check the expiry date, use the right size, and use during vaginal, anal and oral sex. EMERGENCY CONTRACEPTIVE PILL: Mistakes do happen.

The ECP, if taken quickly, can prevent a women becoming pregnant. If you are already pregnant it does nothing and does not harm an embryo. The ECP should not be used in place of regular contraception but can be used if you forgot to use a condom, the condom has broken, or if you have forgotten to take your pill .The ECP does not protect against STIs. CHECK UPS: CERVICAL SMEAR TESTS:

Girls should start having cervical smear tests at age 20, even if you are not sexually active or have had the Gardisal (HPV) vaccination. These will be done every three years, or more frequently if your doctor recommends it. If you do not get regular smear tests you may be at risk of developing cervical cancer. This cancer takes a long time to develop and can be treated if detected in the early stages. Free smears are available at many primary health clinics like Family Planning.

25

August 1st-16th

A gusst 22 J y 23 - Au Jul Ju us f cus will fo ou will al, yo ntal, ent timent sentim willl be sen st wi ust August Aug ps, hip onship ations re ati d rel ed failed d fail and oves an s lo ost os ng lost on on lon pastt om pas from rn fr arn learn u ity to le tu tun portu oppor oppor this op takee this tak w. ow. es and grro n es enc erienc experi exp

STI CHECKS:

Both men and women who are sexually active should have regular STI checks. Not all STIs have visible symptoms. Common STIs like Chlamydia may have no visible symptoms, but left untreated can lead to infertility. If you and your partner decide to stop using condoms and use other contraception, like the pill or the injection, then you should both have an STI check. You will need to do so every time you change sexual partners. Most STIs can be treated, especially if detected early, but there is no cure for HIV/AIDS. STIs are very common, there is no need to be embarrassed about seeing your doctor or asking your partner to have a check-up. PREGNANCY TESTS:

You can get pregnancy tests at the chemist, your doctor, or at Family Planning. If you are pregnant you can also seek confidential and affordable advice on your options from your doctor or Family Planning. HOW MUCH WILL IT ALL COST?

If you are under 21 a clinic visit at Family Planning is FREE If you are 22 and over then it is subsidised. Packs of condoms are available for just $3. Pill prescriptions are subsidised.

See www.familyplanning.org.nz for your nearest clinic, facts, advice and other information.

V go Vir August 23 - September 22 nt n ent rudent nd prud uallyy shy an ua Th ussual The is this ol this o tro oosee alll con oos loo wilill loos w g wi go virgo vir o ou an leet your w ld and th go wi th, month mon aree ns ar ins oin ou lo see, your se, ose oos itty lo ua ity ual sexual sex lyy . ly) rally) teral liite n t lite opefullyy no hope fire (hop n fire on thee ut th ut ou c ck out d che h ld go’ss shou go’ Virgo’ Vir agee n pag on ms lliist o oms o dom ond t n con top te 2 12. L ra Lib September 23 - October 22 ur ur your us yo us us, Th Th on on fo nd re an ren ildren hild ge, ch riage, ria marria lo e, mar lov e ffe. c ple lilife. cou o rpio rpi Scorpi Sco October 23 - November 21 o d or ood d bee go uld u could n co ng ngs hings Thi on h. mont thiss mont thi pio’s’ss th pi pio corpio f r scor ad fo bad eal eal ea eveal a rev irerr may ire dmire e et adm A secr d mayy find u ma ou orr yyou ves,, o lves, mselve theemse miired ou admi meone yo ome hat someone h th tha g ngs. y ur feeelin rn yo e urn o ret not oes not do doe i s i ariu agitt Sagitt Sag November 22 - December 21 el u l feel u’ u’l you’l geer,r, yo igg ig digger, d digg old go er the gol ver Eve yo at you that rs th rs eers rtners teed to paartn ted racted ttrac att attrac a al ocial oc or soci wer or owe ow powe erp ei forr thei d ire fo dm adm ad erallyy geneera u lll gen ou ou’ d yyou’ and t an stttatus sta on peerso th perso h off the much mu ect much xpec exp expect ca me can time ch in ti w ich o wh you, extt to you, nex on. ictio to frric leead to lea i orn pric Cap December 22 - January 19 he the ans,, the ans plans naa pl onal io sio fessio Profes Pro nd o an out nd ou tand sta o st on to ition ambiti amb t s; ritie ori ro our pri yo wi bee your d will ceed u cee suc p off trap he trap into th falll into o ’t fal do don p p. top. he to yourr wayy to the ping you p s epi sl sle b won’t’tt be u won ng tterrm you long n the lo In it.t or it. e fo peccted respec res re riuss A ariu Aqu Aq January 20 - February 18 h n whiicch see in phase ph rt a pha s art ou’ll st You Yo

won’t’t the flesh won res of the ures ea ure p eas he pl th the u ll you d you’ and o an a y more gh an ugh n ug bee eno r tuaal or iri ir piritua re ssp ore fo a mo o k for oo loo ou n to your sion ensio men d mensio n di nal ional tio motio emo s. hips. n hip ons tionship ati re at rel es P ces Pis February 19 - March 20 od up old g up b ng ust wiill bri August Aug ns,, ion unio Reeu ues.. Reun ues issues icc iss antic an ant romant rom n en even be ev mayybe n ma ns t ns, tio mptio re ump res he n the r on are n , are t ons ati iliati on ili onc reconc rec ds ds. ards. car riess Ari March 21 - April 19 yo r g you ro gh rou throu willl go th n will sun Th su The ur you n yo nd in sm, and t ism otic off ero h se o hou e l be a h e’l he pless ther uple o cou ousee of hou h s, n s, Venu teed by Venu ate create ss cre fuss o fu ott of lot r . Sa urn d Sat Marss and Ma Mar r rus Taurus Tau April 20 - May 20 a n at k ng looki u’re lo ou w you w, now, Fo no For or d for od mood In a mo bly.. In sibly nsi g seensibly t ngs th thi nd it,, and biit, irt a b flir dy to fli fun,, reead fun ut ut but ce, b nce riienc rience neew expeerie havve a n a al onal io motion mot motion h eemot much mu oo muc too ut too hou withou wit ntt.t nt. men eme em o emen iinvvolv ni mini Gem May 21 - June 20 ergo ndergo unde w l unde p wil ip nship ionsh ttio elatio ur rela You n arree in you are nce iff yo ulence ul ule urrbule somee turb som n, hip,, hold on hip rship r ers paartn riiouss p eri a sseri es n les it.. Sing rough it hro through gett thro yo ’llll ge you n a dryy elvves in emselv ems thems d th find willl find wi wil ose those f th fo o for e on reas ood reas goo c (a g p ch pa pat put,t,t, a pu ay to stay ps to ip hip onship ons ations relati n rel in o no e m is n n edo ng s ngl o si grass of the gr nth).).) m nth is mo enerr this ene greene gre er ce ncer Can June 21 - July 22 m me d tiimes ted icated m ica mp compl re co re are There The bu ltt ps bui ships io shi lattion relat or re re for tore n sto in e hese o th on, ssion, passi n pa e on purrely d and t e and ptiv rup disrup me dis become willl beco wil okk for Look ol. Lo ntrol. -cont -to-co ult-to difficcult diffi lustt lovee not lus lov


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SPORT THE ALL BLACKS have started the test season in emphatic style with comprehensive wins over Ireland, Wales, South Africa and Australia. They already have the Bledisloe Cup safely locked away in the trophy cabinet after the Christchurch test. The All Blacks will now turn their attention to the Tri Nations trophy when they head to the rainbow nation to take on South Africa, needing only two more points to secure the trophy. The fans (well most of them) must be loving the way the All Blacks are playing at the moment. Henry and co. seem to have the team tracking along rather well at this point of the campaign. However, there are still a lot of rugby fans out there saying that the team is peaking too early and they won’t have anything left for the World Cup. A fair comment. Take previous World Cup campaigns, p g for example, p

where the All Blacks haave dominated in the years leading up to the event, only to o then n fall at the final hurdle and more recently at the “quarterr-finaal hurdle”. Are the All Blacks peaakingg too soon? I think the reeal question is: why are thee Boks and Wallabies playying so poorly? Sure the Bokks and Wallabies have both h had key players out for one reason or another. How weverr, it seems that the All Blaacks have adapted to the new w rules more efficiently th han their counterparts. The All Blacks’ game is bein ng played on fundamentalls and d the understanding of th he ball-in-hand is strong and clear. The new rules and d the interpretation of them seem m to be playing into the All Blackks’ hands and they are mak king the most of the free flowingg ruggby. All Blacks’ Coach Stevve Hansen says “A lot of peeoplee are saying we’re peakingg too o early and I think that’s a loaad of rubbish. I think you’rre on nly peaking too early if you u’ve reached your full potential and this team hasn’t reached its full potential.” The Bledisloe Cup and d thee Tri-Nations Trophy are still very important to the All Blacks and their fans. Talk of sacrificing those in ordeer to have the team primed to win h n tthe Rugby World Cup iss justt nonsense. Some “so-callled” All n Black fans need to stop with B h th he “peaking too soon” talk an nd the "doom and gloo om" and en njoy the games for whaat th hey aree; comprehensive victtoriess oveer the All Blacks’ longg tim me advversaries. That at’s the view from the bencch.

27

DEAR

BARBIE De D ear Bar arbi bie bi e,, e

Dear De ar r Des espe pe pera erate rate te,,

I neve everr gett any an gu guys. yys. s. I d do don on’tt un u nders erstan tand d wh hy, y, y I kno ow I’m m att aat t rac ractiv tive e and and d wel e l groo groo r med. ro med d. I ge gett a Brazzili ilian an waxx evvery fe few w week e s, manicu man icures res,, pe pedi edicur edicur c es,, my cu my h haair dyed. dyed. dye d I hav have e beau ea ty app ppoi oin oi ntme tments ntts ev ry nig eve night h of ht of the t we th week. ek. k I go g ssho h ppi pping n regula ng reg eg gula ularly rly.. I wa rly watch tch c mo movie vie i s like lik e “He’ “He’ss Just Just usst No Nott That ha In nto You You”” in the e we weeke weeke ekends nds ds an a d try tto o gra grasp sp whatt I am wha am do d in ing ng wr wo ong ng. I re reall allyy wan nt a guy, gu uy, I aam m comm mitt itt tted ed to it and nd d wo won’t n’ le n’t lett myse yself l be lf e distra distracte cte ted d whe h n ffrie rie iendss ssu iends ugge g st we go out u . I’v ut I’’ve ’ve g got ott to sta t y home ome an nd con oncen on centra cen tra rate e on mak m in ing ng mysel myysel s f des desira esiraable. ble. ble W t shou Wha uld d I do Ba Baarb rrbie? e??

Sure you Sure you u may lo look ok goo good d (not (not as goo o d as me of of cour ourse) se) bu butt look look o kss are not no ot evver eryth t ing g. Gett out ou of the e ho ous use se, the h onl onlyy pers erson on you o willl mee wil meet et th here e iss olld age, age, an and d ( likke me) by (un by the then n your lo ooks willl have wil have ave ve fa faded de ed. Yo ou u havve to get gett out u an ut and d abou bo outt aand n mee nd meet eet new w p ple peo p , sacr crifi ifice ifi ce som some e of your your u vanity van vanity ty an and nd clea cllea learr at at lleas eas astt one ffre free e n htt a week nig week e to o do so somet methin met hi g hin wor orthw thwhil thw hile hil e, like e, likke a sp port ort r ,o orr a hob hobby, bby, y orr ev e en e bet better te ter e - dri drinki nk ng nki and pa p rty tying ing ng.. Men do do not o co come me and n look nd lo ook at a you w wh hen en you ar are e at t e sa the s lon on n or o on on th the e couc uch in in your living liv ing ro room om (wi om (with the th exxcep ce eptio tion tio n o pee of pe eepin pi g toms pin m and an nd pote po ote tenti ntial nt al al thiiev eve ves) s) s).

Desp De s errat sp atee

Xxx X B rbbie Ba i

De ear r Bar arbi biie,, b

Dear De a Geo ar eorg eorg ge,

I have v be b en e wit w h my girl rlfri friend fr fri end e d fo forr abo bou bo ut a year ut ea no ow and d we hav have e a reas reas e ona onably go good o sex od s liife. f But Bu ut if I’m m ho hones nesst I am a ge gett tting tti n a litt ng litttle e bit bi bored. bor ed. I wou wo ld d rea really l lil ke tto lly o try “tthe backdo bac k or” kdo o bu butt I do d n’ n kn n’t know ow how ho to br briing itt up p witth her. er II’’ve tri tr ed tr d t sort to sor ort of slip it in n a few w ti times m an mes nd she h ’ss alw ways ta taken ke it ken it as as a mi mis i tak take e aand d se sett me righ righ ght. gh t.. How How can caan get gett h he her er to o tak a e it it up up the h ......?

I don’ don’ n t have n’ ave an anyy orifi fice ces myse ce ysself,f, b I hea but earr this is ca can n be be a real re eal p paain pai in n the bu utt. tt “S “ lip lippin pin ng iitt in” in” and nd hop o ing ng g sh she ed does oes e n’t no otic tice e is is nott a fea feasib feasib sible le opt p ion on n here, he ere, e, I’I’m m guessi gue ssi siing n she h ’llll be b ab able ble e to tel t l.. I’v I’I’ve ve con o sul ulted ul ted a cou ouple ple le of o pe p opl ple e and aapp ppare arentl ntt y porn ntl orn d do oes o es no nott gi give ve an acc ccura cc uraate des urate escri crripti cri pt on. on n. In re n. real al liffe peop ple l are e no not just just re ready adyy fo forr i whe it henev ne nev e er, or o wh where erever ver er.. You’ u’lllll u’ need nee d to star start tar a t by aski askk ng n herr iff it iss ok, o ma m ybe b bu b y her som meth t ing g pretty pre t y.. If she tty she agr ag gre eess th t en get lo otss an lo and lots ts and a llo ots t (ha (have ve I stre t sse s d lotts?) of o lu ubri b can caa t. Stu Stuff ff thi h s up up and nd sh she e coul ould ou d be in so much c pa p in n she’ll sh she ’l’ll ne n vver e le et you nea near any near any of h or he her o ifi fices ce again ag gain. ain in. Procceed e wi with th h e rem ext me caut caut a ion on n (and (aand d con condom co dom ms). s)

Geor Ge orge or ge

Xx Xx Barb Ba rbie rb ie

Email Barbie your problems inunison@unitec.ac.nz


28

IN UNISON

REVIEWS

INCEPTION Director: Christopher Nolan

PREDATORS

Director: Nimród Antal.

You’re in a movie theatre, the music buildss and a disturbing looking character appears. The otheer characters look terrified as the suspense builds,, you squeeze the arm of your chair. You watch, captivvated, as he takes a momentary pause before uttering the completely anti-climactic line “I’m alive”. Someone in the movie theatre instantly snigggers an nd before you know it the whole movie theatre erup pts into laughter. That basically sums up Predators, it’s laughablle! Imagine a combination of a terrible slasher movvie and d Lord Of The Rings, and you’ve got the soundtracck for Predators. This could not have been a more pred dictablle film, nor could it painfully mash up elements of too many movie genres any worse than it did. A cross betw ween a samurai film, The Jungle Book, a war epic and a terrib ble movie version of Lost. The film starts with a bunch of seemingly mism match hed characters landing on “a strange unidentifiable laand” with no idea why or how. They are then killed, on ne by one, as mysterious predators hunts them. The film is overly dramatic in both its acting and the extend ded long shots of the group traipsing through the forrest in n a solemn line. Essentially it is a series of painful mini climaxes throughout I dragged my boyfriend along to this one, well awarre of my unfavourable bias to a film, I assumed Predattors was a bit of a “Dick Flick” (hey, if a girly rom-com is a “Chiick Flick”) Turns out he didn’t particularly enjoy it eiither! I haven’t seen the original Arnold Schwarzeneggger, version but from what I hear it is far superior to Predators (2010) even with, what I can only assum me, are slightly old school special effects from 1987. I’d hate to further spoil the film for you by telliing you the ending, but it is possibly the most unrealisticc end ding I’ve ever seen. What’s worse is that the end creditts plaay out to Little Richard's rock ‘n’ roll hit Long Tall Saally..... Really? Does that make any sense whatsoever? Give this one a miss for sure.

No ot siince nce Th nc Thee M Ma atr t ix x ha have ve I lefft a mo moviie theatr thea eaatrre mind mind mi d ree eeli ling li ng, qu ng ques esstion tiion nin ingg th t ew the wo orl orl rld arround ound ou d me. e. I had hug uge exxpeect c at atio ion io ns for ns o In ncept ceepttio on an nd th they ey wer e e mo more re tha han n fu f lfi lfillle led; d; it’ ts no not ot of oft ften ten a bi te b g bu udg dget et blo ockkbu bust ster st er lives ivves e up to th he hyype pe. In wh haat iiss eaassil ilyy th t e be b st movviee of th thee ye y ar year a , Leeonar onar on ardo do DiCa Di C pr p io i pla lays ys Dom Cob ys bb, b lea e de derr of of a tea eam of o higghl hly sskkillle led d “eext x ra ract ctor ct orrs” wh ho o bre r akk intto bu busi s ne nessss men n’ss min inds d ds to o steeal sec e re r ts t and com ommi mitt cco mi orp rpo oratte es or esp pionag pi pion agge. e Want Wa ntted ed in hi h s ho home me cou o nt n ry of Amer Amer Am e icca, but u des espe peera p rate t te t ret to etur urn ur n to his is chi hild ld ldre dreen, Cob o b ta t kees up p thee off ffer er of a succ su cces cc essf es sful sf ull Jap apan an nes esee bu busi sine si ness ne ssss man (pl p ayyed ed by Ke K n Wa Wana n ta na tabe b ) wh be ho s ekks,, nott to re se remo mo m ove ve,, bu but to t pla lant nt,, an nt an ide deaa in n the h min nd of o a you ung b si bu s ne ness ssma ss maan. The te team am m emb mbar a ks ar k on a mu mult mult ltii-tti itiered tier erred e inv n as asio ion of thee min ion nd, d, hij ijac aacckiing th hre reee di diff fferren e t dr dreeaam se drea sequ quen qu encees si en simu mult mu l an lt aneo eous eo usly us lyy to in i ce cept ptt an id dea e . With Wi th acttion ion un io nfo fold ld din ingg in i mulltipl tiipl p e lo loca ocaati t on onss th thee time time ti m lliinee ougght h to be c nf co nfus ussiin n ng, g butt it’ g, t’ss in inte terw te r wov rwov oven ven exc xcep ep pti t on onal ally al lyy wel elll to t kee eep p us in a co cons nsta ns tant ta nt ssttat atee o off en ntthrral allm lmeen nt. t The su supp ppor orrtiing orti n cas astt arre co coll l ec ll ecti tive ti v ly ve ly out utst sttan andi ding di ng.. El ng Elle len n Pa Page g , off Jun ge uno o fame fa me,, p me pllay a s Co obb’s bb b’s dis isce ceern cern rnin ingg yo in oun ungg ap appr appr pren e ti en tice ce and d “ar arch chit itec e t” of th he d eaam w dr wo orl rld. d. Fo orrm meer ch chil illd sttar Jossep ph Go Gord rd do on n-L Lev evit ittt pl play ays Co Cobb bb bb’ b’s ’s rig ight h ht hand man ha an (an and d gi give vess Ke ve K aan nu Reeev eves es a run n for o his mon neyy in th he fi figh ghtt gh seequ sequ uen ence ccee staakkees. s.)) M ri Ma rion on n Cot otil illla l rd d is caap pttiv ivat a in at i g as Mal al,, Co Cobb b ’s ang bb ngry ryy, deera rang ang ngeed d wife who cha wi hase sees hi him in and n out u of reeal a it ity. y Her y. e pas assi sion onat ate at te and an nd in nte tens n e perf ns perf pe r or o ma m ncce ca c rrrie iess DiiCa Capr prio io’s io ’s,, wh whic ich ic h in n comp mpar aris ar isson o , is jus ustt a ta tad d un unde derw de rw whe helm lmin lm ng. g Dire Di rect re ctor ct orr Ch o hrrissto toph ph her Nol olan an (Th an Thee Da D rkk Kni Dark nigh gh htt)) cre reat attes es a pl plot ot lin i ew wh hicch iiss layyer ered ed d and d com mpl plexx, ye y t fo forr tth he most mo st par artt th t e au audi dien ence ce man nages to ke k ep p up to to spe p ed ed.. We aree lef eftt wo wond nder nd errin i g, g was it an act ctiio i n fl ion flic icck, k, a drraama or a psyych hollgi gica cal th hri rill rill ller er?? In nce cept ptio io on ma m n mana naage g s to o cro r ss genr ge nres es and cap apti t vaate a wid ti de au audi dien en nce ce, si ce simu mult ltan taneo e us eo usly ly tugg tu ggin ingg at thee hea eart rtt str t in ings gss whi h le pro r vidi rovi ding ng inc ncre redi dibl blyy fast fa st pac aced ed act ctio ion, fi ion, io figght h s, rom oman aan nce and n eve v n a to touc uch h of hum umou ou o ur. r. Ever Ev err y pe ery persson pers on who hass eve verr drea dreeaamed will dr wiill l b spe be p ll llbo bo b oun u d by thi h s gr gros o s in os i tr trus usio us ion n an nd maani nipu pula ulaati tio on of a pe on pers rson on’s ’ss min i d, hop opess, drea dr eam ea ams ms and nd memor em morrie ies. s s.

Angela March

Amanda Haxton

Movie reviews thanks to Skycity Cinemas

WIN

WIN: Email inunison@unitec.ac.nz and name one of the movies ies reviewed reviiewed in this issue to be in to win a double movie pass to a Skycity Cinemas.


IN UNISON REVIEWS

EVIE REVIEWS INI RE MINI M PONSONBY INTERNATIONAL FOOD COURT 106 P Ponsonby Road

Fillm Film D AT E K ID ATE RAT RA KAR E KA T HE THE AR T A ALL D Z WAR A RAL A RA HARAL O R: HA OR R EC T OR: DIIR DIR D

INTRODUCING ANNA A Director: Patricia Phelan

Anna, she’s not as dumb as she looks. Su ure she works at Denny’s in one of the ugliest uniform ms ever, cleaning up little kids' vomit, rushed of her feeet. But there’s more to this girl, as we quickly find outt. Introducing Anna is a pithy, unconventionaal and high hly enjoyable look at young love and relationshipss. Anna iss a fast food worker, definitely not book smart. Sttreet smaart? Well that’s a matter of opinion. The Basement Theatre sets the scene for thiis onewoman play. A dingy flat, no lock on the door,, messy rotting kitchen, basic bed, clothes everywheree and scattered “Flame” beer bottles in abundance. C Classy. In rushes Anna from her shift at Denny’s. The un niform is promptly thrown off and a frilly lingerie set reevealed, complete with suspenders, stockings and…. sn neakers. (After working at Denny’s all day can we reallyy expect her h to wear heels?) Robyn Paterson plays both Anna and a silen nt, mysterious visitor (seeking intergalactic role p play and a little S&M). But before Anna is ready to bend over for a bit of doggy she really needs a bite to eat. Cuee the pie. Then Mum calls from Australia, where the neighbours are a growing marijuana. Our strong and silent man n waits, in na state of confusion, while clumsy Anna argues with mum m over whether or not the “j” is silent. Debate resolved (silent “j” the winner) so An nna pulls out the whipped cream, only for the power to cut out. She S takes the opportunity to talk about her ex-boyyfriends, married men and other, erection quelling, top pics of conversation. The hour this guy is paying for ggoes from one mishap to another, each situation killing tthe mood d faster than the last. Anna is the epitome of dissaster, utterly cringe worthy, but haven’t we all been there? Haven’t we all had one of those days, or one of those ridiculous relationships? Paterson as Anna is a riot. Never before havve I enjoyeed a character so much that I wished I had worn w waterproo of mascara. But the person the play really introd duces is Robyn, the writer and star. She’s young, beauttiful, and blonde. With all these attractive qualities it’s ttruly a tribute to her acting skills that she makes a naaughty French maid outfit so completely and utterly u un-sexy. Amanda Haxton

h with wi i wit Kid te Kid ate rat Karat he Ka nto the ntt in eent I wen ng in a ing icccipat ntici an s ant s, ions, ion tation ta ectat e pec ow ex low u bout s rryy abo d sto c éd ich clich y cl eeesy, a chee yy. sitty. sity. rsi rs ve versi dve a e of ad the fac in the ess in uccces su ssuc n deen ng Jad ng aring ssttari d (st atee Kid T KKaarat Th The n) han Cha k e Chan nd JJaaccki n mith and mith SSmi allyy naal Fin Final e Fi me. d me i ed ris rpris urp t y ssurp ntl asaantly asantl p as ple vves ive n y liv on ott onl no t t not th k tha make ema remake a rema ees, oes do td outd a y outd uall tu acctu b t actu o bu up to, m ome re so h ree aare The al. Th nal n ginal igi orrig thee o nd n e aand ces ncces eq eenc ght sequ figh nsse figh ens nten nt int y. y. nery. as icc sceener an ast me fant me om o som l lm. lm ble fifilm. ble yaable oya no enj ly en ly ighly igh high Ah

Markets S'' ERS ER MER ARM AR FARM FAR N A FA A NA KA K AKA AK TA A AT ATAK MA MAT M K ET KET MARKET MAR LAGEE LAG VILLAG N A VIL NA AKANA AK AKA ATTAKA MAT M er and er over gov ungov hun o hungov oo ot ttoo ree no you’’re Iff yyou hen he art,, then ar sttart rlly start early n e a ea nd handl n ha can can k t rke Maarrk rs M meers' m rme Farme ana Fa akkana Matak Matak th Ma the i e iv riv dri nutee driv m nut r h a 45 mi well wort is we ing. ning rning rdayy morn urda n a Satu h on ortth nor north ur y ur or yo ed for ded rd ard e arded ew rew be reward wiillll be o w You Y Yo baitt ba bai tebai w ite e h wh fresh th fr orts with orts effort th n the es in pies st pi st thee best s th rs, t rs tte fritte fr fri uit ru h frui resh fres ing,, fres ba ing me bak home d, ho ld ld, world, wor ga iicc gan organ e, or se, heese, ess, chee thies oth sm o smo ul ul tiful tif eautif o , beau ood eafood t , seaf ate colate co col chocol ch cho uch much uc , m nd much unds an rounds urrou surrou sur here arre ll th all, Bestt of all, e. Bes more. mor o f om rkett runs fr p s.. The maarke ample am saample sam m. pm. t 1p 9aa to 9am

Oh the food court! Home of rushed, s stale aand fatty meals, abandoned trays aand th he last minute hopes and dreams of peo o ople trying to get a table. Few will ssucceeed. Instead they will wander around, drinkss and chips sliding precariously d aacrosss their trays while they navigate the ssea fu ull of tables trying to locate their ccompaanions. The Ponsonby Food Court is different tto its p peers in most ways. To begin with, iit goess beyond the usual food sections of Dun o nkin' Donuts, generic Indian, fateencrusted Chinese, McDonalds and soggy kkebab bs. Instead, the Ponsonby food court sscourss the globe, bringing you options ffrom Laos, L Mexico, Italy, Malaysia, Thailaand, Vietnam and other exotic llocatio ons. Sure, there are kebabs, Japanese, Indian aand Chinese options. But the dishes are of a faar higher quality, in both cooking o sstyle aand ingredients. The Japanese offers more than just sushi, with a selection of m highlyy tempting bento boxes. Curries and h IIndian n dishes come with a range of mild tto hott - not just the Europeanised “mild ((comp pletely and utterly flavourless) butter cchickeen with shit loads of cream” options. The keebabs? Well, kebabs are kebabs. The venue, in the Ponsonby Road strip, ssets itt apart from mall food courts, as does tthe op ption of alcoholic beverages (beers $4). Once $ O you place your order you will be preesented with a cute 90s style pager b which w h alerts you when your meal is ready. Yes, yo Y ou read right, your meal is made aafter yyou order. Two o things link this food court to iits infferior friends. The price remains ccheap and cheerful. Dishes rarely venture aabove the $10 mark so it is surprisingly aafford dable given the exotic options and ggenero ous portions. Seating however, remains an unforttunate constant. Get in early, evil u eeye so ome people away from your potential ttable, and then allocate a minder from yyour ggroup while everyone else looks aaroun nd. This was my role; it’s hard to be sstuck there while delicious cooking smells waft aaround you. I recommend buying w yyour ttable minder a drink, it’s only fair. AAmanda Haxton

29


30

IN UNISON

RECIPES

SCREAMING ORGASM SERVES ONE

Good thing In Unison is printing this recipe forr you, you u,, type it into a Google search engine and you’ll get so some om me interesting results, and none of them drink related. lated d.. This being The Sex Issue we thought we would stayy o on n theme. There are a lot of naughty names for cocktails, ocktaaills, Slippery Nipple or a Slow Comfortable Screw Up Against The Wall. In the end we went with the mos most stt popular option for everyone: a Screaming Orgasm. asm..

MOROCCAN CHICKEN TAGINE

Serves Se Ser ves tw two-f o-ffour our de depen pendin pen dingg on din on the the hun hu unger ge of ger of th thee indi indi diivid idual ualls uals INGREDIENTS: 1 Shott Vodka 1 Shot Amaretto 1S Shot Coffee liqueur 1 Shott Baileys

DIRECTIONS: Pour the vodka, amarretto, Baileys and coffee liqu ueur into an ice-filled shakker and shake well. Strain n into o a highball glass and top up with cream if desirred. Enjoy, immensely.

SEX ON THE BEACH

SERVES ONE

Sure, Sex On The Beach sounds all romantic as a nd, concept, but in reality you need to factor in sand, rollerss mosquitoes, dog poop, shells, seaweed, and strollers by. Does this sound like a pleasant experience?? If ot try trry you’re really after something delightful why not the cocktail version instead. INGREDIENTS: 2 Shots vodka 2 Shots S orange juice 2 Shotts peach schnapps 2 Sho ots cranberry juice

DIRECTIONS: Build the ingredients over ice in a large tumbler. Garnish with h a lime wedge or tackyy pink cocktail umbrellaa if available.

The saying “good things take time” is never truer than when it comes to a tagine. These winter warmers are divine, if you can spare the waiting time required to make them. Tagines (or Tajins) are North African dishes consumed mostly in Algeria, Morocco and Tunisia. The name refers to both the meal and the traditional cooking pot. Assembling the dish is relatively easy; add and remove spices as you wish (the lemon in this recipe gives it a bite that some may find too bitter, leave out if desired) then sit back and wait.

IN ING NGRED R IIE RE IEN ENTS: 1 Tin off toomat matoes 4 Tabl Tab abl blesp essp poon oonss to tomat matto past astee 1 Tabl Tabl b esp poon cr cru ush sh hed ed gar garlic lilic ic Handfu Han dfu f l off grree een n oollive ivess (pititited d) 3 Smal Smal alll on o ion ions, s, hallved v ve 2 Ch 2-4 Chick icken en thiighs gh 1 Cup u of red or wh white ite wi wine n ne 1 Cup Cup up of watter, or tw wo cups of wa wat a er as win wi e alte terna nativ n tivee 1 Teas a poo po n ch chick hickken en sto stock ckk Spr p ink klle e ooff pa papri pririika k H f the Hal th h gr grate ated d zest zest st of on o e llem le emon

DIR IRECT EC ION IONS: S: S: Pre reehea heat oven v n to it i s high highest est st te t mpe mperat rature ure.. Plac ure Placee all all ing ng gredien red ediee ts in n a clay clayy teerra co ottaa po pott (wit (with h a lilid) d) or a cass assero erole l dis dish, h, sti stirr brie brieflfly to o mi m x. Pla Place ce in oveen for 11-22 hour ours, s, sti stirri rring n occ ng o asi asiona ona n lly na ly. y. Remo emove ve whe when n liq iq quid ha hass halv halved, ed, an a d when when ch chick ick c en ck e com comes e es easily eas ilyy off o the h bon bone. e. Ser S vee on ric i e or cous u cou couss with wit h sala sala alad d or or gree green n vege vege getab tables les.. Vege Vegeta ta ian tar ians can rep eplac lace lac ace the chi c cke ch cken n in in the thee Tag Tagine ine wi with th h bro b cco ccoli,i,, c rge cou rgette ttee, caul caulifl iflowe w r,r egg we gpla plant pl n or sim nt simila mila i r.


USU

Annual General Meeting

Wednesday - September 8th – 2010 – 12pm The Hub – Building 180

ADMINISTRATION MATTERS 1.

Opening Address

2.

Minutes of the Previous Meeting

SUBSTANTIVE BUSINESS 3.

Constitutional Changes for 2011

4.

Presentation of the Audited Accounts for 2009

5.

Appointment of the Auditor for 2011

6.

Appointment of the Solicitor for 2011

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WWW. USU.CO.N Z


USU

FRE BE E BBQ W BE ON W and G GIV R I EN TH SP EAT P OU O T O T PR RIZES I NT T HE ZES TO O DA Y.

T TO OU UR NA CH ME N 201 T 0

FRIDAY 10TH SEPTEMBER FROM 11AM AT THE UNITEC RUGBY FIELDS Get G et a tteam eam ((12 12 x p players) layers) ttogether ogether a nd rregister egister a SU rreception. eception. and att U USU Open and staff. O pen to to all all Unitec Unitec students students a nd s taff. Registration closes on Wednesday R egistration c loses o nW ednesday 8th September 8 th S eptember 2010. 2010. $$30.00 30.00 PER PER TEAM TEAM IS IS PAYABLE PAYABLE AT AT THE THE TIME TIME OF OF REGISTRATION REGISTRATION

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