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For editorial and advertising enquiries please contact:
usu. Telephone (09) 815 4321 ext: 7927 Facsimile (09) 846 3381 Email inunison@unitec.ac.nz PO Box 44 016, Point Chevalier
S T N E T CON
Credits Editor: Rory MacKinnon News Editor: Bronwyn Bent Designer: Mark Lovatt Ad Designer/Cover: Talia Smith Cover Model: Katie Just Contributors Adam Beach Andrew Scoresby Audio Jack Drew Hamish Oakley Josephine Stewart-Te Whiu Lucy Zhou Matt Alpe Ricky Waters Robin Hotter Sebastian Hoddle Shane G Norris Stephen Morris Veronica Haus-Bausen
10. Major League: Uni Games, the USU and you 12. Cocktails On A Budget: Bartending’s kind of a sport 14. Six Reasons Not To Play Sport 25. Shenanigans: Re-Orientation 2007
REGULARS
Issue 9: The Sporting Issue, Monday 06 August
Disclaimer Opinions expressed in this publication are not necessarily those of the publishers. Submission and contributors are welcome, but the publisher reserves the right to select and edit the material submitted. Materials submitted will remain property of the publisher, unless alternative arrangements are made.
FEATURES
04. Editorial 05. (No) Letters 06. President’s Tirade 07. News 16. Gig Guide 19. Student Support 21. Full Credit 22. Jose’s Corner 26. Reviews 29. Dear Barbie 30. Caption Comp 31. Enditorial
R EDITO
IAL
In Which Our Protagonist Seeks Gainful Employment. Att: Ted Van Arkel Chairman, Unitec Council Dear Sir, I understand that the Council is seeking a replacement Chief Executive Officer to take over from Dr. Webster at the end of this year. I didn’t see it advertised down at Student Job Search, but nonetheless I would like to apply for the position, as I believe I have many of the skills necessary for the job. As a recent graduate, I know only too well the issues students face at Unitec: unofficial start dates that result in delayed student allowance payments, proposals for relocating programmes with seemingly minimal student consultation, and everincreasing tuition fees in some courses despite reductions in hours. I realise the task before Council is not an easy one, and it is impossible to please all of the people all of the time. However I believe
04 IN UNISON
EDITORIAL
that as consumers who keep the whole organisation ticking over, students deserve to wield a little more power in deciding the quality of their experience. Perhaps the resulting sense of enfranchisement might even reverse Unitec’s flagging fortunes, as word of mouth spreads that Unitec is an institution that works with its students rather than despite them.
Of course, this is not all I bring to the table. Please note my nomination for Time’s 2006 Person Of The Year (see attached), a printout of my registration as an Ordained Online Minister of Universal Ministries Illinois (also attached), and a written testimonial from my partner attesting to my virility (pending). I look forward immensely to your response.
I realise there may be an appearance of conflict of interest in my role as Editor of In Unison, but if anything I feel this gives me an advantage over other candidates. The decisions and dilemmas of Council should be communicated to our students as clearly and promptly as possible, as stated above. After all, an informed student population is surely more sympathetic than a neglected one…
WORDS: RORY MACKINNON
Regards, Rory MacKinnon Editor, In Unison inunison@unitec.ac.nz
THIS ISSUE’S QUESTION
TEXT POLL
]
What would be the best name for our League team? (a) The USU Grizzlies (b) The USU Unicorns (c) The USU Pukekos (d) Other
(NO) LETTERS Dear Readers Nobody sent us any letters this issue, so instead here are some pictures of All Blacks. If you do have something to say, say it to us at inunison@unitec.ac.nz.
TXT in your opinion and be in to win food & drink vouchers from Carrington’s, Unitec’s new licensed venue!
021 022 72536 TXT POLL RESULTS
Do you believe human beings are a product of evolution? Yes
YES
NO
SAMPLE OF YOUR OPINIONS “NO. I was never a monkey!” “No way, we r creatd SPECAL in GOD’S img” “Yep I trust science ova religion – scientists hav nuthin 2 lose” “Absolutely - but that doesn’t make our existence any less remarkable.”
THE PRESIDENT’S TIRADE
t’s
the presiden
TIRADE We are well into the second semester now and the new people this semester will be settled in… hopefully. Those of you who were here last semester may remember the USU’s clapped-out old website, with all its eccentricities - such as making dial up customers wait a semester or two to load up. You’ll probably be glad to hear we have a new one coming out very soon. This issue being a sporting one, I find it a good time to remind you that it may be winter but there are still lots of opportunities to get into sports or other physical activities to keep the blood pumping. This being spirituality week, I have decided to talk about the one group that is not encompassed by spirituality, the skeptics out there. Basically to be skeptical means to question anything which doesn’t make much sense, or even the stuff which does. These days skeptics are amongst the most disliked groups of people because they dare to question other people’s ideas.
believe everything we take in. The idea of questioning anything is one of our basic rights; those who try to stop you are being narrow-minded and are probably worried that they may be proved wrong. Now I don’t really care what people believe but don’t try to stop me being skeptical, just as I won’t stop you from believing what you believe. For those of you who want to check out some interesting links go to www.randi.org or look up Penn and Teller in youtube - but of course, don’t take my words for granted. There is much more out there and you should find your own position. On a lighter note, I am very proud of our rugby league team who won their tournament convincingly and brought home the Tertiary cup. For those of you interested in sports there is the Tertiary Challenge happening on Friday the 17th of August - whether you want to play or just cheer on Unitec, you’re all welcome to attend or compete. Adam Beach USU President usupresident@unitec.ac.nz
This I find very disturbing as we are all skeptics at heart, or else we would
USU CONTACTS PO Box 44016, Point Chevalier 139 Carrington Rd, Gate 4 Rm 1004, Building 180 Auckland www.usu.co.nz
06 IN UNISON
USU Reception (bus tickets, secondhand books) The Hub, Bld 180, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 8600 e: usu@unitec.ac.nz
PRESIDENT’S TIRADE
Student Job Search (SJS) The Hub, Bld 180, Unitec p: (09) 846 9910 e: unitec@sjs.co.nz
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EVENTS Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7925 e: usuevents@unitec.ac.nz
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Ajay General Exec Half A Person
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Frank General Exec Frankly, Mr. Shankly
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Kaushik General Exec Rubber Ring
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Greg General Exec Girlfriend In A Coma
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Beryl International Rep International Playboy
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Trace Treasurer Bigmouth Strikes Again
usuvicepres@unitec.ac.nz
Hemi Maori Rep This Charming Man
USU EXECUTIVE
SPORTS Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7930 e: ususport@unitec.ac.nz USU PRESIDENT Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7929 e: usupresident@unitec.ac.nz
NEWS
USU TOPS LEAGUE, PLAYERS EYE NATIONALS By Veronica Haus-Bausen
The USU Rugby League team has stormed its way to glory in the recent Polytechnic Tournament at Freyberg Park, winning 74-4 over Manukau Institute of Technology in the final match – but the victory has been made that much sweeter, as over half the team has been selected for the national finals.
competition and many of the players were new to the game.
team’s Australian tour in a major play-off at Mt Smart Stadium on 21st August.
“We just worked well together, it was a really good team. We were worried about MIT, because we’d heard they were hard, but they were all over the place…they just didn’t have their act together.”
USU sports co-ordinator Julie Bennett says she is “very proud” of the team’s efforts. “I didn’t expect the scores to be so high, and even though our boys were smaller than some of the other players, they played well as a team and that’s what counted.”
The victory over MIT capped off a winning streak for the team that saw them triumph over the Eastern and Bay Of Plenty Polytechnics, 20-8 and 52-12 respectively.
Booth will now join teammates Bronson Shepherd, Chris Nelisi, Danny Maera, Elmore James, Hillary Aiolupo, La’au Tanielu, Philip Raukawa, Steve Skinnon, and Witsanu Boonyen on the New Zealand Polytechnics’ representative team. The boys will be competing against their university counterparts for places on the NZ Tertiary
Team captain and MVP Aaron Booth says he was surprised by the team’s success, as they had only a month’s training before the
Bennett says credit must also go to coach Sam Panapa, manager Niko Tominiko and his assistant Roger Fuaaletoelau, trainer Gary Lee-Sanf and medics Hilda and Jade Port.
NEWS
INUNISON 07
USU, IN UNISON GOES ONLINE: YA RLY By Sebastian Hoddle In Unison and the USU are set to reach a wider audience of students with the relaunch of www.usu.co.nz later this month. USU President Adam Beach says he is “stoked” about the new look, but adds that the site’s new features will “make it a lot simpler for students to find their way around their services.” “It’s no longer a website to stroke our ego. It’s a website for the entirety of student services. It’s there to help, amalgamating every service we can think of and putting them together on one website.” In related news, In Unison Editor Rory MacKinnon says he is “quite chuffed” with the development of In Unison in an online
format. The student magazine will continue to appear as a print magazine on campus, but MacKinnon says that In Unison’s hosting on www.usu.co.nz provides “a whole slew of opportunities”.
to see people commenting on articles, debating with other readers, and offering their own ideas on what we should be doing.”
“The problem with printing is that you have a limited audience and limited amounts of content. Now that we’re online, we can publish as much as we want, as often as we want for as many people as want to read it.”
“Ultimately, I’d like to see a really democratic approach where regular, popular commenters are rewarded with their own blogs, hosted on the site – or where readers offer themselves up as interview subjects for articles in the next issue.”
MacKinnon adds that he expects the online version of In Unison will be a “very different beast” from that on the stands.
Readers and potential contributors are encouraged to email inunison@unitec.ac.nz to find out more.
“There will be some crossover content, but we’re expecting a lot of differences online - a sense of community, for one. We want
PERUVIAN VILLAGERS GET INTERNET, CONSIDER JOINT VENTURE WITH NIGERIANS By Rory MacKinnon
Unitec’s community development programmes in remote Peruvian villages are still going strong, according to one student who has returned from the area. Postgraduate education student Gijs Houwen recently visited Danieldanas in Peru’s Antabamba province after a presentation by Unitec lecturer Logan Muller discussed Unitec’s Centre for IT Research and Development and their involvement in the region. The Centre’s programme uses technology to connect isolated villages in the foothills of the Andes to the outside world. A combination of computer labs in town halls, wireless networks and satellite links allows almost every mode of communication, from an emergency broadcast system for earthquakes and avalanches to tools for education and commerce. Houwen says after hearing of the changes the programme had made in people’s lives, he wanted to see it for himself.
08 IN UNISON
NEWS
“It is pretty isolated…to get there, it’s a good eight hours out of Lima to Huncayo, and from then on it’s another two hours. But there are other villages I didn’t visit out there that are even more isolated.”
during the 1980’s and 1990’s: “Victims from the terrorism are using it as well, to organise themselves to stay in touch with other victims and the people who represent them in Lima.”
But Houwen agrees that the technology is bringing the people of Antabamba closer together. “All the schoolkids use it for their education. Most of the schools don’t have computers, but now they can learn to work with them. That’s going to be important if they want to look for a job in the city or whatever. Nobody has a phone at home, but now the parents are in courses, learning to use email and instant messaging, so they can talk to their children in the cities.”
An international student himself, Houwen says that the villagers are developing an intense curiosity about the world beyond Peru. “They have access to so much information right now, because of the internet. I asked a class, “Does anybody know where the Netherlands is?” Nobody knew, but within ten seconds they could look it up on Google and tell me about Germany and Belgium, too.”
The technology has also found an unexpected use as a networking tool for victims of terrorism and human rights violations during the conflict between the Maoist forces of the Sendero Luminoso and President Alberto Fujimori’s government
NEWS
ASSIGNMENTS UNITEC: TOMORROW’S FOR SALE UNIVERSITY…OF TECHNOLOGY By Rory Mackinnon By Rory MacKinnon Unitec may still yet become a university, with the first reading of NZ First MP Brian Donnelly’s Education Amendment Bill before Parliament earlier this month. The Education (Establishment of Universities of Technology) Amendment Bill will, if passed, allow for the creation of a new category of tertiary provider to bridge the gap between traditional universities and polytechnics. Donnelly, a former Education lecturer, says that while universities are funded and focused on research, a university of technology would focus primarily on professional and vocational development “to meet a broad range of industry, business and community needs”. “The Bill will allow for students to move seamlessly across various levels of tertiary education, with delivery of appropriate sub-degree programmes and pathways which allow them to progress to higher levels of education and training as and when required to pursue their career goals.”
Unitec is the most obvious beneficiary of the Bill, as its Council and CEO John Webster have previously stated that Unitec should be acknowledged as a university of technology. Webster says the institution now has “a lot of work to do” in persuading Parliament to accept the Bill. “Our position is that failure to take this opportunity… would fatally compromise the vision of a comprehensive, integrated professional and vocational education sector.” Dr. Webster declined to comment further at this time. Unitec has pushed for recognition as a university since 1995, and courted controversy in 2001 when it angered the Tertiary Education Commission and Advertising Standards Authority with its ‘Tomorrow’s University’ marketing campaign. However, in recent years Unitec has promoted itself as a ‘dualsector institution’ in anticipation of the Amendment.
COUNCIL AMENDS CONSTITUTION By Veronica Haus-Bausen
Recent changes to the Unitec Council’s constitution may affect the way students are represented on its board. The Council wrote to the Tertiary Advisory Monitory Unit in February, requesting several changes to its structure and limitations. These included extending the maximum number of years a member can serve on the Council from 16 to 20, with the option of re-election for a fifth term “in extraordinary circumstances”. Most significantly for students, the amendments also request that “student representation… reflect compulsory membership of the students’ association”. Unitec’s CEO John Webster says that the amendment will not affect the number of student representatives, only the way in
which they are appointed. According to Webster, the student representative to Council will now be elected by the USU Executive rather than the Unitec Council.
Students at Unitec’s school of Applied Technology are being warned off plagiarism, despite the appearance of ‘assignments for sale’ around the Mt Albert campus. The notices advertise a range of prepared assignments for the Certificate in Applied Technology/Carpentry and promise an A+ or A. But Dean of Undergraduate Studies Richard Smyth says that if students hand in the assignments as theirs, an encounter with the Academic Board is far more likely. “Copying previous assignments clearly breaches the Academic Statute and action will follow where such action is detected. Penalties can be very serious for students where such allegations are proved.” One such case in August of last year led to a student receiving a one-year exclusion from their programme and any cross-credited papers, with the misdemeanour held on their personal file until 2009. Smyth says that Unitec has no objection to students reading past assignments as research, many of which are freely available in Unitec’s libraries. However he adds that students involved in plagiarism should “consider the academic integrity and ethics involved”. Students struggling to complete their assignments should contact Te Tari Awhina in Building 180 for learning support and workshops.
USU President Adam Beach says the amendment is a small victory for students, but mostly business as usual. “The amendment is designed to recognize the USU as the main student association on campus by allowing the USU to appoint the student rep, but it also stops the Council from picking someone they can push around.” Beach adds that the Executive also hopes to gain a second representative on Council before the end of the semester, “but as it stands that may not happen until the next Council AGM in April next year.”
CORRECTION In Issue 8’s ‘Communication Breakdown’ article, In Unison reported that Unitec’s Council had only one student representative out of 19 members. This number has dropped to 16 voting Council members, due to temporary vacancies. Unitec still has one of the most under-represented student bodies in New Zealand, relative to its size.
MAJOR LEAGUE
UNI GAMES, THE USU AND YOU
10 IN UNISON
WORDS: RORY MACKINNON
Since its inception in 1902, the University Games have been synonymous with drinking, drama, debauchery – and, of course, universities. But this year the students’ associations that comprise the members of University Sport New Zealand decided, for the first time in the Games’ history, to extend associate and invitational membership to non-university tertiary students – such as those at Unitec. Still, the USU has yet to accept or reject their offer, and is unlikely to do so without gauging student opinion. So are the Games really in our best interests?
It seems like a no-brainer: Unitec students would finally be able to take part in one of the best-known sporting events in New Zealand. We would finally be able to compete alongside two and a half thousand other athletes in over 25 different sporting codes for the sake of shenanigans and socialising and a shot at the gold medal. The tangible rewards seem obvious. But what’s in it for the current members of USNZ? After all, it seems somewhat unlikely that after all these years of cultural elitism, the universities would simply relent out of the goodness of their hearts. It’s possible that pressures and fears of commercialisation play a part. Just like any major sporting event, the Games are good for business. Although the exact figures have never been released, it’s estimated that host cities rake in around a million dollars each year in hospitality and associated industries. And just days ago, the USNZ Board shocked their members with an announcement that the 2008 Games would be held in Rotorua, a city whose only claim to academia is the Waiariki Institute of Technology. The bid had actually been tendered by the Rotorua City Council, whose resources outstripped those offered by AUSA, the students’ association at Auckland University. Rotorua’s bid was first announced at USNZ’s June 30 AGM, just prior to the referendum on extending membership, and many voters may have felt that the introduction of another member – especially one as well-resourced as the USU – could help the associations retain their autonomy as hosts and competitors in future Games.
to membership – the cost. If it signed up for an associate membership tomorrow, the USU itself would have to fork out $1.38 for every equivalent fulltime student at Unitec, regardless of whether they will be attending the Games. After footing this $12,700 fee, the USU could then expect to pay a further $80 per athlete competing. If the anticipated 100-150 students were to register for the Games, the bill could be as high as $20,700 even before transport and accommodation. It’s possible that Unitec might be convinced to subsidise our athletes, but as it stands the numbers seem an unjustifiable expense. Certainly, the ethics of using 26,000 people’s money to benefit only a hundred people are questionable at best – except the cold, hard figures don’t take into account the value that New Zealanders place on sports, even above cold, hard cash. A USU student survey conducted earlier this year found that 60.7% of respondents wanted more involvement with national sporting competitions, and 68% considered it a valuable service to students even if they didn’t use it.
“it seems unlikely that after all these years of cultural elitism, the universities would simply relent out of the goodness of their hearts.”
But it’s equally likely that USNZ simply need to make up numbers. Despite its reputation as a Mecca for all varsity students, the Games have suffered in recent years due to diminished participation from smaller universities who lack the resources and infrastructure to commit- the most infamous example being Lincoln University in Christchurch, who last year sent only eight members to compete in the Games. As it stands, the USU would be the only other students’ association that could afford to join, but there’s little doubt that Unitec’s 9,600 or so equivalent fulltime students – 200 of which are enrolled at the School of Sport - would breathe new life into the competition. But as much as the universities want to play ball, Lincoln et al’s poor participation highlights the biggest drawback
Not that we’re currently lacking in sporting stimuli. The USU has a been a longtime competitor in the Northern Regional Tertiary Challenge, and will be hosting this year’s Challenge here at Unitec later this month, in which Unitec’s athletes will face off against Auckland, Waikato, Massey and AUT University, in addition to Wintec, MIT, Auckland Institute of Studies and Bay of Plenty Polytechnic. There have even been concessions made by the USNZ for a free invitational membership to the Uni Games, allowing athletes from non-member organisations to compete individually, but barring them from winning the Shield or entry to the Universiade. But while it’s the most practical option, the invitational membership clashes with that oldest of sporting codes: ‘play to win, or not at all’. And there’s something about competing on an equal footing in a nationwide competition that stirs the blood; a definitive challenge to seek out the best that is the essence of sport. It now falls to the USU and its members, the students, to decide whether we’re ready to play in the major league.
COCKTAILS ON A BUDGET
Let’s face it, your flat looks like shit and no amount of throw rugs will disguise that. But why not fulfil your desperate pretensions of middle-class sophistication with a cheap’n’cheerful cocktail party! We’ve collected recipes for some of the most affordable, fancy-looking and potent concoctions ever invented, all so you can stay at home instead of drowning out the band with your horsey laughter and clumsy aping of Sarah Jessica-Parker.
12 IN UNISON
WORDS: ANDREW SCORESBY
THE GOOD Bottlecap:
Screwdriver:
2 oz (60ml) Midori Melon Liqueur 2 oz (60ml) beer 2 oz (60ml) sweet and sour mix
1 part vodka 2 parts orange juice
Midori’s about $40 a bottle, but a worthwhile investment. Don’t use dark beers - Monteith’s Summer Ale complements the fruity flavours, but if you’re in a tight spot something sugary like Lion Red will do okay too (hide the cans in a swappa crate and blame it on your boyfriend). Sweet and Sour sounds fancy but it’s easy as: mix three parts sugar with two parts water, then mix that with one part lemon juice (for a foamy consistency chuck in two egg whites per litre, but if you’re already boozed it’s probably not worth the effort). Prep your Sweet and Sour ahead and it’s even easier: just slosh in a third of everything and a swizzle stick. Your kidneys will send you death threats in the mail, but your tastebuds will love you for it. As for taste, it’s a shock to the system, but strangely enticing, like a punch in the gut from a horny netball player. I could rock along on these all night, if it weren’t for my legs going to sleep.
Shake and serve. Easy as that. Not particularly adventurous as cocktails go, but almost impossible to get wrong. Probably the cheapest drink we could find too, since our $8 paint-stripper was pretty much undetectable under all that juice. On that note, vodka will go with pretty much anything sweet or fruity – tomato juice, lemonade, Red Bull, even chocolate if you feel like having a diabetic coma to go with your sclerosis.
Albino Russian: 1 part vodka 1 part Canterbury Cream Basically a White Russian without the coffee liqueur, and again, one of the easiest drinks ever. For an extra-cheap thrill, cut the Canterbury Cream with Anchor Blue Top and stir in 10gms of nutmeg – you’ll be buzzing just like back in third form, bro.
Capiroska: 4 oz (120ml) vodka 8 lime wedges OR 30mls lime concentrate 1 tsp sugar Ground cinammon Cinnamon syrup Mix your cinnamon syrup up ahead (a cup of brown sugar, half a cup of water and a teaspoon of cinnamon stirred on a low heat for three minutes). Get your wedges (or concentrate) in a jug and pour your vodka in over the top along with 5mls of your syrup and another wee pinch of cinnamon. Crush half a glass of ice in a teatowel, stir it into the mix and strain into a glass when you’re ready. If you don’t have fancy gear like a strainer, just put a clean saucepan lid over the jug and pour. It’s freaking delicious - and sophisticated, too. Just be careful not to overdo them, as cinnamon tends to burn on the way back up.
THE BLARGHARARGH Car Bomb: 1 bottle Guiness 1 oz Canterbury Cream 1 oz whiskey Mix the Canterbury and whiskey into a shot glass, then dump the whole thing, container and all, into a decent-sized, 12oz. cup of Guinness. Drink immediately, otherwise this malevolent shit curdles and becomes even more putrid than it already is. I suspect the name originated as a slur on the Irish (hence the Guiness), but it’s actually pretty appropriate: just think of your brain as a panel van outside a Sunday school, if you can still think at all.
Bloody Tampon: 4 oz (120ml) tomato juice 1 tampon (ultra) Why?
Sangria: 1 lemon 1 lime 1 orange 2 cups rum 1/2 cup white sugar 1 bottle crap red wine 1 cup orange juice 1 can tinned fruit salad Supposedly punch for grownups. Slice up your lemon, lime and orange and stick them in a jug. Pour the rum and sugar in over the top and stick it in the fridge for a bit. Then just pour everything else in, stir and serve. At least, that’s what we were told. This one went horribly wrong. Maybe it was the $7 Shiraz we bought, maybe it was the fruit salad we left in a plastic jug of rum for a week. Maybe it was the fact that this recipe is pretty much just acid and alcohol, but my point is that I took one sip of this and threw up into the glass. My other point is that this actually improved the flavour. Beware.
Cookie Monster: 2 scoops of peanut butter 2 oz. (60ml) Canterbury Cream 30gm chocolate chips Melt peanut butter in a pan, add chocolate chips and stir into the Cream. Then throw this horrible concoction into the wheelie bin and ask yourself why you even bothered. If there’s one thing that could be said for this sludgy, oily mess, it’s the kind of people who might have drunk it. Elvis Presley, Orson Welles, and now me. Classy.
Voltron: 1 jug 1 of everything left over at the end of the night Pour into jug. Pour jug into mouth. Ask a friend to hold back your hair. Rinse and repeat. Paris Hilton swears by it, although she also collapses in the street and flashes her vagina by it too.
Six Reasons Not To Play Sport In this day and age of fast-food takeaways, and drive-through ATMs, indoor comforts and technology have led us to become fat lazy shits. Obesity is now an ‘epidemic’ and recently the Government has been trying to encourage children to exercise more and ‘beat the bulge’. Unfortunately, no one is listening as many of us are happy being chubby and lazy. Sports take too much effort, and if it was enjoyable we would all have bodies like Hulk “Hollywood” Hogan. If by any chance you do find yourself wanting to become disgustingly toned and fit, here are six reasons not to play sport. You don’t look cool. The only way to look good while running is in slow-mo. In everyday life, us mere mortals can’t just pop out for a jog and expect to look like Pamela. When we run we develop hideously contorted faces and flailing arms, looking as if we are in an upright epileptic seizure rather than a graceful gait.
Sweat marks. Grey is the most common colour for casual sportswear. It is also the worst. Light grey shows up any drop of moisture, creating a darker shade of grey sweat stains in the most embarrassing places. Think wet T-shirt competition but with a sweaty, old-man smell – not sexy.
You won’t win. Face it, it’s not in your genes. You most probably won’t win the Olympics unless you’re a 150kg East European woman named Anouska with arms like tree trunks. You’re better off losing gracefully (read: with minimal effort) and getting a chance at the ‘Fair Play’ award, which we all know only the retarded team gets.
Meatheads. People who focus too much on sports are usually meatheads (more accurately lamb and beef). Has it ever occurred to you that the Ever-Swindell twins seem to like their meat a bit too much? Like they’re compensating for something….
’Roid rage. Wet dreams, impotence, facial hair, reduced breast size, baldness, and heart disease are just a few of the many dangerous side effects that steroids may cause. And even the safe stuff is disgusting – protein shakes made from calf placenta, protein bars that taste like chocolatecoated dogshit… all in all, it’s probably better for your self-esteem to just stay inside and do raids on Azeroth instead.
Balls. Sports are known to arouse sinful thoughts and behaviour – ball sports in particular. Playing with balls in the company of others is either a) slutty or b) homo-sexual. The fondling of balls should be kept in the bedroom and within the sanctity of marriage. You may have also noticed the proliferation of bizarre groping, bum-slapping, crotch-grabbing and sodomy that Satan’s hobbies invite (yes, sodomy – Hopoate, anyone?) Even the timehonoured and godly game of cricket has been corrupted, now that our Black Caps routinely spank each other at internationally broadcasted test matches... Enough Is Enough. New Zealand is quite manic about its sports. If we had just as much funding from the government for the arts, I’m sure we would have just as many interesting things to see on a Friday night with the boys. Don’t give in to McDonald’s and Sarah Ulmer’s corporate propaganda, or Tana Umaga and the nanny state telling you to push play. Don’t give into the gyms who rip you off to the tune of $25 a week, enough money for a big bucket of chicken at KFC. If you like the way you are then stay that way – whether it’s because more junk in the trunk means more cushion for the pushin’, or that you’d rather be watching Friends and Seinfeld reruns. And if we all dieted and got skinny, how would I find someone to perform a fat-o-gram for the editors’ birthday?
14 IN UNISON
FEATURE
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DATE : FRIDAY 17TH AUGUST VENUE : UNITEC MT ALBERT CAMPUS CARRINGTON ROAD
JOIN THE USU TEAM TODAY!
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USU TERTIARY CHALLENGE 2007 Friday 17 August, all day Mt Albert campus, Unitec
Ordinary talents… extraordinary people. One huge sports day, featuring volleyball, touch, netball, basketball, soccer, squash, table tennis and ultimate frisbee. To get involved, email ususport@unitec.ac.nz or visit the USU offices in Bldg 180.
08August Wedesday
11August Saturday
OK GO The Studio, 8pm A mix of Weezer, Cheap Trick and Fugazi, Ok Go are also the creators of the 9th most popular Youtube video ever. You know, the one with the treadmills.
09August Thursday
Semi-Permanent Aotea Centre, 8am-5:30pm $90 students, bookings via ticketek.co.nz Presented by The Church and Design Is Kinky, with a diverse range of speakers including MadeThought, United Visual Artists, Glue Society, Umeric, 3 Deep and NZ’s own Misery and Alt Design.
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Jose Gonzalez Hopetoun Alpha Bookings via ticketmaster.co.nz HAY BRO PLAY THAT HEARTBEATS SONG AGAIN MY GIRLFRIEND LOVES IT The Cure Vector Arena, 7pm Bookings via ticketmaster.co.nz Oh, Christ.
Bob Dylan Roc The Block Vector Arena Vector Arena, 7pm Bookings via ticketmaster.co.nz Bookings via ticketmaster.co.nz hosted byTheusu association and open to allAugust unitec students It’s Bob Dylan. Featuring Akon, Game,students’ Naughty By Wednesday SPORTS BETWEEN ALL UPPER NORTH ISLAND TERTIARY INSTITUTES Nature, Juelz SantanaCHALLENGE and MIMS. Danny Bhoy Punk vs Emo The Civic, 8pm August Ellen Melville Hall, 7:30pm E-MAIL YOUR Bookings DETAILS: SPORTS AVAILABLE: Friday via ticketek.co.nz $10 via iticket.co.nz VOLLEYBALL FULL NAME After sell-out shows at the Edinburgh Featuring The Rabble, False Start, The BGLan #12 TOUCH - Be PHONE NUMBER Fringe and Montreal’s Just For Laughs Explicit and-Scenic Drive. there or be a Apollo Health Centre, Albany, 8pm DETAILS: SPORTS AVAILABLE: Festival, Danny Bhoy returns to New NETBALL -E-MAIL E-MAILYOUR ADDRESS conformist,-sheep. Bookings via ticketmaster.co.nz Zealand with a new show about heroism VOLLEYBALL - FULL NAME An epic 42-hour social gaming event,BASKETBALL CHOSEN SPORT and the inevitability of failure. featuring Call of Duty 2, Counterstrike, Vodafone Warriors vs PHONE Gold CoastNUMBER TOUCH SOCCER UT2k4, Starcraft, Warcraft III, Battlefield NETBALL Titans -toE-MAIL ADDRESS : ususport@unitec.ac.nz SQUASH 2, Command & Conquer 3, and HaloTABLE 2.BASKETBALL And Ryan Adams Mt Smart Stadium, 7:30pm -orCHOSEN SPORT TENNIS visit usu sport at and the Cardinals free pizza and Red Bull. And girls with Bruce Mason Centre Bookings via ticketek.co.nz SOCCER building 180, rm 1123 ULTIMATE FRISBEE soft, shiny hair. Bookings via ticketek.co.nz Another home game for the start of the to : ususport@unitec.ac.nz SQUASH “[New album] Easy, Tiger seems to prove Warriors’ 2007 campaign. TABLE or WWW.USU.CO.NZ visit usu sport at is once again as in touch with that Adams FOR MORETENNIS INFO HEAD TO ULTIMATE FRISBEE building 180, rm 1123 the delicate tragedies of life and love as he’s ever been.” - Rolling Stone
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Volunteers - Coaches or Co-ordinators - Participants Referees and 10 Umpires required for all sports
FOR MORE INFO HEAD TO WWW.USU.CO.NZ
OK GO
16 IN UNISON
Semi-Permanent 07- Misery (speaker)
GIG GUIDE
The Cure
Unitecs only licenced café
Care about local issues like gigs in parks, sports facilities, noise control, liquor licensing, libraries, roads and traffic, public transport, health care, rubbish and recycling, food hygiene, and a whole lot more... then
Opening Hours Monday - Friday 10am - 10pm
Enrol to vote.
in your Local Council and District Health Board elections 0800 36 76 56 Freetext your name 76 and address to 36 z www.ivotenz.org.n PostShops, Council Off ices or Public Libraries
- Light snacks to full meals - Full bar service - Located in Building 33, next to rugby fields on campus - Renovated brick built Victorian pump house dating back to late 1800’s
Y&R ELE0520_in
www.carringtons.co.nz Carrington’s Café, Building 33 Unitec Campus, Carrington Road, Point Chevalier, Auckland.
646 -&$563&3
0' 5)& :&"3
705*/( 01&/4 "6(645
CHECK YOUR EMAIL FOR THE LINK TO VOTE
• • •
VOTE FOR YOUR LECTURER OF THE YEAR IDENTIFY UNITEC’S AREAS OF TEACHING EXCELLENCE
WIN GREAT PRIZES
A LAPTOP, CARRINGTON’S VOUCHERS, WESTFIELD VOUCHERS
USU’s expanded Lecturer of the Year competition gives you the chance to contribute to the quality of your education.
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In previous years we’ve just asked for your favourite lecturer but in 2007 we want to be a bit more sophisticated. So we’ve gone online and we ask a couple of interesting questions to ensure it’s a serious measure of academic quality.
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CHAPLAIN In these busy and stressful times the importance of a physical outlet in life is becoming increasingly necessary. There are
It’s a pity that for many students at Unitec, the only time you will encounter anything to do with spirituality/faith/religion is during the annual Spirituality Week (6 – 10 August).
few places in life where we have the opportunity to break free of the constraints of our often physically inhibiting lifestyle. Finding an outlet to release our built-up tension and frustration can be very beneficial to our general wellbeing. And having somewhere in life where we can be less contained and hopefully more playful and cathartic, can be a freeing experience. What’s more, our world has become so consumer-convenient with the likes of drive-through takeaways, lawn-mower men and apartment living, that our bodies are being called on to do less.
We offer no courses in Religious Studies and it is not covered in any depth in the ethnic diversity aspect of International Communications nor in Social Anthropology. Many shun any idea of religious adherence today because “wars are fought in the name of one religion over another”. Yet those same people study Political Science and Social Policy when really most wars are political in ideology and execution. Maybe if we knew a little more, we would not be so quick to make judgements. This is one of the reasons behind the invitation to some 48 groups to be present on campus during this week.
Sport and physical activity provides a good lifestyle balance in a world where we are required to fit increasing amounts of information into our already busy minds. Many students come to counselling saying that their minds are so active that they can’t sleep or relax sufficiently. A good physical workout not only takes your mind off your mental tension for a time, but helps you to remember that there are parts of you that do exist below your neck. If you exert sufficiently, your mental processes will slow down and become less all-consuming, as your energy moves back more into your body.
Some will come offering answers, security, certainty, truth, and a sense of belonging if you believe in God in a prescribed way – such groups represent the major ‘religions’. Each of these provides structure and form through which to’ believe’, a sense of community with those who have a similar expression, and a list of behaviours/rules/expectations which are appropriate.
Research indicates the benefits of exercise in helping with depression, anxiety and stressful states. Exercise positively affects the levels of certain neurotransmitters in the brain. It is also believed to boost feel-good endorphins, release tension in muscles, and reduce levels of stress hormones.
Some will be more philosophical and shy away from anything ‘religious’. These will be collective thoughts and beliefs about science, philosophy, nature, universalism, human endeavour, exercise & sport. There are things we believe or trust to help us explain life’s inconsistencies and give us some tools to navigate them. Often they encompass myth, legend, journeys of discovery, interpretations of life experiences, a significant other (or guru, or god), relative truth and uncertainty, ideas rather than rules, and something to recognise a ‘sacred dimension to life’.
That’s not to mention the meaningless fun and camaraderie that sport can offer. Being able to laugh at yourself and others, experiencing the sense of belonging from being-in and working as a team, having an outlet for your aggression, enjoying the power and accuracy of your own body, and developing mental discipline, are but a few of the benefits of hurling your body around.
Greg Tunnell Unitec Counselling Centre Building 48 Ph: 8154321 ext. 8160
STUDENT SUPPORT
So as you launch into the new semester, don’t forget about the benefits that exercise can bring to your heady student lifestyles.
Check out the stalls, seminars, videos and literature. Allow yourself time to read, think, mediate, or pray – there might be something to help you find some unrealised potential, or even someone with similar questions to your own. I hope I bump into you in the HUB while you take this opportunity to extend yourself, to learn of others, and to move towards a greater understanding of who you really are.
Love and prayers Ricky Waters Unitec Co-ordinating Chaplain
uSU AND UNITEC INTERNATIONAL PRESENT THE 2007
7 a side Soccer Tournament open to all students, get a team together and represent your favourite country!
FRIDAY 12TH OCTOBER 2007
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UNITEC STUDENT USU and Unitec Sporting Blue Awards recognise outstanding sporting performances or a high level of coaching or administration of sport at the regional, provincial, franchise, national or international level of competition. These awards are open to all Unitec students enrolled between 1 August 2006 and 31st July 2007
HOW TO APPLY
Complete the application/ nomination form, available from the USU offices or email ususport@unitec.ac.nz
CLOSING DATE
FRIDAY 31ST AUGUST 2007 4PM
For eligibility criteria or more information e-mail e-ma ususport@unitec.ac.nz ph 815 4321 Ext 7930 visit www.usu.co.nz
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FULL
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WARRIORS
Within 5 years, the Warriors have gone from being the NRL minor premiers and grand finalists in 2002, to struggling under a three-year year playoff drought that has haunted the club and is proving hard to shake. The rebuilding phase the team has undergone in the last few seasons has meant sacrificing the here and now, with a stronger focus on developing future core players. So although the team is still very young and inexperienced - the average age of players is 23.6yrs, excluding Wiki, Price and Swann - reaching the playoffs for the first time since 2003 is actually a very, very realistic goal. A mid-season collapse of 6 losses in a row has brought out many ‘here-we-go-again’-isms, yet with five wins out of their last six games, supporters will now be DISAPPOINTED if they aren’t playing after round 25. I interviewed Royden Redman, a third year School of Sport student, to provide additional analysis for the 2007 NRL season. What is different between the Warriors of this year and the Warriors of the last few years? Well, in my opinion, I believe the difference is the lack of what many people have called ‘Polynesian Basketball’ which often contributed to many a thrashing at the hands of various opponents. Who has really stepped it up this year? Who has been most impressive? Steve Price has stepped up his game tremendously. Even though he runs no faster than a hedgehog with only one leg, he is able to carry opposition defenders down the field and pick up massive metres. Another player that I have really started to notice this year is Epalahame Luaki, although I think this may just be because its fun to say his name. Really it is. Try it. EP-A-LA-HA-ME LU-AKI… Was it just a matter of Coach Ivan Cleary getting through to the players? I think it was more a case of the players getting through to the players, as you could clearly see in their game against the Wests Tigers when Michael Witt told Wade McKinnon to “SHUT UP!” Also, the addition of the Auckland Lions to the New South Wales Premier League has given Ivan Cleary a place to put the players that have more ego than skill. If the Warriors make the playoffs, how far can they go? The Warriors, just like every other Top Eight team, ARE capable of going all the way. However, if the Warriors do make the playoffs I don’t think they’ll get past the first round because they’re just not good enough. Steve Price, who is perhaps their best player, is 33 years old. The average age may look good being so low, but it really equals inexperience, and finals football is a different level altogether. As the final rounds roll by, we should be able to see who has the greatest momentum going into the playoffs. However, in saying that, when it comes to do or die, no club can be written off. For many of the younger players, the post-season will be a new experience which they will benefit from greatly. It may be an overly used catch phrase, but after all, it’s just a matter of faith.
TEXT: MATT ALPE
FULL CREDIT
INUNISON 21
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Hello again everyone. Since I have little to no interest in sports I figured I might just write about work… since I quit my job and all. I really struggle to hold down a job. My CV is layered with hospitality and retail jobs of which I have had for about 4 months before I was either fired, or quit. I am painfully embarrassed when I compare my CV to the majority of my friends. Surely it looks better to have three steady jobs on your CV as opposed to twelve ones with significant gaps in time which are obviously ‘down time’. The first job I ever had was at KFC. I was fifteen years old. I think I got $8.25 an hour. I was the potato and gravy girl. I basically stood there spooning potato and gravy into those little cartons. I wasn’t allowed to actually make the potato and gravy (yep, it’s made from powder and water) because I burnt it. Twice. I lasted two months there. I have to say though, KFC does have a bit of a bad rep, but to be honest it was actually really clean behind those counters and every single person who handled the food would wear gloves. KFC is a secret shame of mine. I do love it. Also, I think one of the eleven secret herbs and spices is cinnamon. Now I’m not 100% sure but next time you bite into one of their juicy pieces of chicken look out for it. Oh god, I want KFC now! Another depressing job I had was at the Mt Eden Fish Shop. That was BAD. I got $10 an hour to sell fresh fish and fish & chips to people. Most of the customers were rude and demanding, and they asked all sorts of complicated questions about fish. As a stoner eighteen-year-old, I had no interest in fish. I had no idea what fish to use in a curry or what was best for frying. I didn’t eat fish, I fucking hated it. I don’t really like the flaky texture of the meat, nor its obvious aroma. I stopped eating fish when I was about seven years old and we were having fish for dinner. I’m sure my eyes grew wide as I chewed on the gritty flesh and suddenly stopped. I remember slowly reaching my hand up to my mouth and picking out the alien thing that I had been dining on. A fingernail! I was devastated and vowed never to eat fish again. It turned out it was actually a fish scale, but the damage had been done and imagination was too powerful. At seven I convinced myself that it was a fingernail that had been placed there by a witch.
22 IN UNISON
JOSE’S CORNER
So anyway, I remember standing in the back room of the fish shop, and I remember thinking about the fingernail incident and my childhood self. I thought to myself “What the hell are you doing, man? What would your little kid self think of you?”- This thought depressed me greatly, and as a result I lost all interest in working there and doing a good job. I was eventually fired for looking too depressed and, in my boss’s words, “being depressing to work with”. She was a fucking bitch. Ironically she looked like a witch. Oh yes, I have had many a job in the past, and I have to say, the best advice I can give for students looking for extra cash is to pick up those random catering jobs or cleaning jobs that people offer. I have done countless catering jobs for the past six years. I think they’re actually the most enjoyable. You get to meet and greet new people and eventually drink and/or hang out with them when you finish. I remember working the bar with a friend of mine at a wedding out of Auckland. We ended up drinking behind the bar, getting stoned with one the guests and cackling our way back to the city with our pockets full of cash and arms full of beer. Drugs and work are not the best combination however. I learnt my lesson after showing up at my most recent job after a night of ecstasy. If I wasn’t feeling so sorry for myself that I felt like falling to the shop floor and sobbing, I was lucidly floating around my shop in joy, bemused at my own reflection in the shop mirror. NEVER again. I think we’d all have to agree that work is hell. But I truly believe that if you’re not happy in your work then you’ve got to quit. I mean, if you’re only doing it for a month then that’s fine, but if you’re stuck in some shit-hole job where you hate your workmates, your boss and your customers/clients, leave. And if you can’t leave, demand more money. Until next time, Peace.
Postgraduate degree information evening 2007 The University of Auckland National Institute of Creative Arts and Industries Architecture and Planning, Dance Studies, Fine Arts, Music
Find out about opportunities for postgraduate study Programmes in Architecture, Planning and Urban Design, Dance Studies, Fine Arts, Music and Sound. For further information and registration: www.creative.auckland.ac.nz or phone 09 373 7599 x 82747 Thursday 23 August at 6.30pm Glass Box lobby, Engineering Building, 20 Symonds St, Auckland City
Image: Layla Rudneva-Mackay MFA, Merren 2006
JOIN THE IN UNISON
Family
WANTED: -
Cartoonists Columnists Illustrators Letters To The Editor Letters To Barbie Reviewers Bloggers Loggers Lumberjacks Wait, Scratch That Last Two
Email inunison@unitec.ac.nz and get involved!
Gay Lesbian Bisexual Takataapui Social Group
Starting on the 6th of August 12.30-1.30pm WHEN WHERE WHAT
Every second Monday form 6/8/07. Unilounge, building 180 the hub. Come share your lunch break with other like-minded Unitec students in a friendly space.
WANT MORE INFO? Qtecsocialgroup@gmail.com
SHENANIGANS 2007 RE-ORIENTATION WITH CONCORD DAWN AND NICK D
The USU’s midwinter Orientation saw one of he biggest gigs ever at Carrington’s, with Concord Dawn & Nick D drumming up a storm. Thanks to Photographers Matt Alpe, Stephen Morriss and everyone who boogied with the Big Blue Bear...
SHENANIGANS
2007 RE-ORIENTATION WITH CONCORD DAWN AND NICK D SHENANIGANS
INUNISON 25
REVIEWS FILM
TRANSFORMERS Writer: Roberto Orci, Alex Kertzman Director: Michael Bay Shia LeBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel
In the 1980’s I was lucky enough to witness the madness that was Transformers. With a variety of characters and action, it was a world that many children of the time, from ages 5 to 15, could enjoy after escaping the six hours of total boredom forced upon us by our parents and teachers. Transformers were originally created as toys for the masses. Later an animated series was spawned, then a movie, as well as more advanced toys and comics that pushed far past the visions of the original creators. Fast forward to 2007 and here we are, watching the first liveaction, off the hook Transformers flick since 1984! I am rather nostalgic and sentimental about it all. I find that when recreating a classic, new technology is second to the wants of the fans, the people who made it as popular as it has become. The public feel they own Transformers, and let’s be honest: Michael Bay has not got the greatest of followings these days. A couple of things I will say for the faithful. Firstly, Soundwave failed to make it to the shooting script. For the uninitiated, Soundwave was the faithful right-hand man of Megatron himself, whose tape recorder form allowed him to eject cassete tapes from his chest, which could then transform into various dangerous animals. [Nerd – Ed.] Soundwave’s absence was apparently due to a Bay fubar; sources say he will be making an appearance in the sequel.
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Many of the other changes have been made for political and moral reasons. The use of the Camaro for Bumblebee’s car form has been a source of controversy for many. Bay says he felt the Volkswagen beetle may be too dated for modern audiences, although some sources have indicated the producers were wary of VW’s connotations, given their involvement in World War II. Likewise, Megatron’s transformation into a ship rather than the original gun was an attempt to comply with laws in some states against making toys which resemble guns. Hasbro, the manufacturers of Transformers, also refuse to make replicas of guns. Overall the action in Transformers is breathtaking, the dialogue less so. The in-jokes and rehashing of lines from the original series and comics creates an all-pervading cheese that detracts from the story. Then again, this is a story about alien robots who turn into cars. As for the cast, Shia LeBeouf deserves recognition for his role as Sam Witwicky, the hapless human who possesses the map to the precious Allspark. LeBeouf has worked his way up from Holes and Charlie’s Angels to I Robot and Transformers, and his performances are getting him a lot of attention. SHANE G NORRIS
MUSIC SKY ABOVE HORSE BELOW HANNAH CURWOOD LUGGATE RECORDS
DVD FLUSHED AWAY Writers: Sam Fell, Peter Lord Directors: David Bowers, Sam Fell Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Ian McKellen, Jean Reno The first CGI production from Aardman Animation (of Wallace and Gromit fame), Flushed Away stars Hugh Jackman as Roddy St. James, a pet rat in an upper-class home. Roddy’s world is rocked when Sid, a sewer rat from ‘Down Below’ pops up through the sink and tries to make himself at home. Roddy attempts to trick Sid into being flushed down the toilet, but finds himself taking a dive into the underground world where his kind flourish, much to the disgust of local crime boss The Toad. Adventure ensues. I found this a lot easier to watch than Aardman’s previous films, as the absence of stop-motion also sees the end of fingerprints in the clay. As the shots moulded together, the finger prints would distractingly move all over the characters. Nonetheless many fans of old-school animation may miss the charm of the handmade figurines and the painstaking commitment of creating each frame individually. The cast work very well together. Oddly both Jackman and Ian McKellen (The Toad) previously starred in Xmen and are once again in a battle of Good vs. Evil. Kate Winslet voices Rita, the smart-ass, street-smart love interest of Roddy. Bill Nighy and Andy Serkis are chronically underused as The Toad’s henchmen. Jean Reno garners a little more attention in a superb performance as Le Frog, The Toad’s cousin and hitman. SHANE G NORRIS
Alt-country is a term you’ll hear bandied about a lot these days, often without merit. Sometimes, as with bands like Phony Bone, the country element is practically undetectable. Other times, as with Hannah Curwood’s debut album, it’s not an alternative. From the folksy titles (Ride Easy, This Old House) to the lyrics about escaping the city’s clutch and missing her lover’s touch (while breathing in the sparkling air that dances ‘round her windwhipped hair), this is inescapably straight-up country. Fortunately, it’s also quite good. Curwood brings a crucial sensitivity to her vocals that make the whole mix work, slide guitars and all. While piano-driven ballad Gone shows she could easily break into the mainstream as another Brooke Fraser, Curwood’s heart and talents clearly lie elsewhere; turning tears-in-your-beer into something genuinely soulful. AUDIO JACK
I Made You A Mixtape: Sports Edition By Audio Jack
Warming Up 1. Dusty Springfield - Spooky 2. Iggy Pop - Lust For Life Working Out 3. Marty O’Donnell - Halo 2 Theme 4. Unknown - Drop It Like A Whole Lotta Love (mashup of Snoop Dogg’s Drop It Like It’s Hot and Led Zeppelin’s Whole Lotta Love) 5. Survivor - Eye Of The Tiger 6. Maximo Park - Our Velocity 7. The Beastie Boys - Sabotage 8. Unknown - 99 Balloons (mashup of Jay-Z’s 99 Problems and Zena’s 99 Red Balloons) 9. Dizzee Rascal - Sirens Winding Down 10. Kanye West - Stronger 11. Massive Attack -Teardrop 12. Enigma - Indian Chanting They Play In Every Yoga Class Ever
ClASSIFIEDS (cont.) Tickets to Rugby World Cup Final Will pay any price. I’m coming, Jude. Don’t run from our love. Death will be sweet once you are mine. Email Rory at inunison@unitec.ac.nz
New Zealand - Canadian phrasebook e.g. “It’s cold” = “It’s warm” No longer required; owner gave up jhollett@unitec.ac.nz
TANK TOPS
COLLECTION OF OLD RUSTY PIPES
Turrets and guns only usupres@unitec.ac.nz
No longer used (Thanks a lot, Sue Bradford!) 027 022 7253
$20 Westfield voucher Only $25. Plus postage Email robfreeth@xtra.co.nz
BANNED PHOTOS OF MPS
Rare flightless birds
Too Hot For TV (and print!) Will swap for media spotlight inunison@unitec.ac.nz
Assisted Suicides
Quick, discrete, efficient Home service a specialty CEO@mercuryenergy.co.nz
Election reports
Unspecified goods Make on offer Text 021 something
Albatross, Seagull, Pigeons Used shotguns also in stock email andrew.scoresby@gmail.com
George Foreman low-fat grill
Also in stock: The Mike Tyson Home Surgery Kit Humility by Muhammad Ali The Art of Elocution with Joe Frazier (DVD box set) Buster Douglas’s Career Planning course book David Tua’s Sure Loss diet plan
My Dad’s old porn Truly one of the greatest actors of our time Txt 021 0227 2536
Rare flightless birds Albatross, Seagull, Pigeons Used shotguns also in stock email andrew.scoresby@gmail.com
Brand new Metallica CD $20 hand Metallica CD $25 Old worn 2nd 4th form nostalgia: priceless usupres@unitec.ac.nz
GIRLS GIRLS WANTED
Turrets and guns only usupres@unitec.ac.nz
28 IN UNISON
Still gors usuadvocate@unitec.ac.nz
0800 10 95 10
United States 2004 New Zealand 2005 Zimbabwe 2009 inunison@unitec.ac.nz
TANK TOPS
Drfrctivr Kryokboard
FAKE CLASSIFIEDS
Matching set Commodore 64 and ’64 Commodore $300 each ph 815 4321 ext. 7939
tse finals ke tic B TA mak to s $100 on Warrior at $1.25 $1.25 Ring 021 0227 2536
ers Transfoerm kids Ideal for over-activ 5000-10,000 volts Email pistols@dawn.com
Election reports United States 2004 New Zealand 2005 Zimbabwe 2009 inunison@unitec.ac.nz
Luxury Bus Shelter Formerly a non-luxury house 815 4321 ext 7929
Randy Campbell Memorabilia Photo shows Campbell jumping 27 cars, a world record Unautographed as he died when he hit the 28th. laughing@othersmisfortune.com
DEAR
BARBI AND
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KEN
Dear Ken, Why is one letter and answer highlighted in every issue? Is it meant to be better than the others? I can’t see the difference, the answer certainly isn’t any wiser or funnier than any of the other answers. - Steve Dear Steve, “So this guy shows up at my place and says “Who said you could fool around with my wife!” and I said “Everyone!””
Dear Barbie, Can I write an advice column in In Unison? I want mine to be like yours, but to actually give out good advice. - Sync Dear Sync, Amongst disappointing ideas for In Unison content, that one’s right up there with ‘Cleaner Of The Week’, ‘Best Bars On Campus’, ‘Unitec’s Top Sex Spots (Mind The Wet Spots)’, ‘Annual Urinal Review’, ‘5 Ways To Cook A Pukeko’, “A Word From Above’, “Staff Celebrity Lookalikes’, and giving Rory a computer.
Email your questions to Barbie and Ken inunisonbarbie@hotmail.com m
Dear Barbie, I notice the svelte little stand where I used to pick up my mag has been replaced by a massive white behemoth. You could fit people in it! I’ve heard grandiose architecture is a telltale sign of a decaying society. Do these delusions of grandeur foreshadow the end of the InUnison/Barbie Empire? - Nick
Dear Ken, If I were to got to a netball game, and it degenerated (or should I say, improved) into an awesome big fight, and then some guy showed up and gave us free money, and then all these chicks showed up and stripped, would it still suck? - A Curse on Irene Dear A Curse on Irene, Don’t hassle netball, it is an entertaining pastime for many people with otherwise soulless lives and gives girls the illusion that they can play a real sport. Dear Barbie, My neighbour hates us. She thinks we are criminals and stoners. But the truth is we are well-behaved young people and never have wild orgies. We try to be nice to her but every time we see her she looks at us like we just murdered her grandbabies. - Ms Smith
Dear Nick, There are not so much delusions of grandeur as delusions of adequacy.
Dear Ms Smith, This is not a problem. This is an opportunity. If she already hates you, you have absolutely nothing to lose by doing whatever depraved acts float your boat. Enjoy.
Dear Barbie, Is it true you once had an affair with former League hero Mal Meninga? - Hunter
Dear Barbie, Were you at Concord Dawn? I thought it was cool. - DB
Dear Hunter (now I get it!) I’m not one to kiss and pash and root and root and root and root and root and tell.
Dear DB, Nah bro.
DEAR BARBIE & KEN
INUNISON 29
CAPTION COMP
6
THIS WEEK’S PICTURE
WINNING ENTRY
“In the interrogation room, Jill kept mumbling... ‘Jack made me do it’.” -Christoff Congratulations, Christoff! Swing by the USU office with your student ID to collect your prize.
Come up with a caption for this photo and be in to win a free $10 food and drink voucher from Carrington’s! Email your caption to: inunison@unitec.ac.nz or txt 021 022 72536 Competition closes: Mon 28th May
SNIFFLES & COUGH
E FOR EFFORT “Let me boot you and I have a good drink when you in the water drowning”
CATS IS NOT
THINGS
#415:
CATS IS
NOT
TOOTHPASTE FOR DINNER
AMUSED.
.
A COMIC BY DREW
Drawing by Drew from www.toothpastefordinner.com
ENDITORIAL
This Issue
Next issue
Hackneyed: wacky mascots Latent Alcoholism: cocktails, Uni Games This Issue Sucks: yeah, but so did the last one Frazzled: somewhat Not A Gore: Blues Awards write-up Definitely A Gore: Albert Arnold Jr. (1948-), American politician, businessman and environmentalist Please, Stop Talking:
Women’s Studies: now with automotive engineering Male Kindy Teachers: the shocking truth (hint: not actually paedophiles) Annual Urinal Review ‘n’ All: keeping it classy In Unisonline: the internet event of the season Signing Off: there’s something seriously wrong when ‘I need to sleep’ comes out ‘I need some speed’
THE BACK
INUNISON 31
ordinary talents...extraordinary people
one huge sports day
JOIN THE USU TEAM TODAY!
ST
UD
EN
usu TS’
ASSO
CIATION
EC
DATE : FRIDAY 17TH AUGUST VENUE : UNITEC MT ALBERT CAMPUS CARRINGTON ROAD
AT
UN
IT
hosted by usu students’ association and open to all unitec students SPORTS CHALLENGE BETWEEN ALL UPPER NORTH ISLAND TERTIARY INSTITUTES
Volunteers - Coaches or Co-ordinators - Participants E-MAIL YOUR DETAILS: Referees and SPORTS AVAILABLE: VOLLEYBALL FULL NAME Umpires required for all sports TOUCH SPORTS AVAILABLE: NETBALL VOLLEYBALL BASKETBALL TOUCH SOCCER NETBALL SQUASH BASKETBALL TABLE TENNIS SOCCER ULTIMATE FRISBEE SQUASH TABLE FOR MORETENNIS INFO HEAD ULTIMATE FRISBEE -
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FOR MORE INFO HEAD TO WWW.USU.CO.NZ