Inunison The Lovin’ Issue
Issue 03
n o k c F On GeYtour
ALSO ROMANCE WRITERS
LADY KILLIN’ NO SEX
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GET CASH.
HAVE A LIFE ! ciation o s s a t n e d u t s r local u o y y b d e n w sjs is o
Find great jo bs
at NZ’s bigge st
STUDEN T JOB W EBSITE
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CONTENTS
For editorial and advertising enquiries please contact:
usu. Telephone (09) 815 4321 ext: 7927 Facsimile (09) 846 3381 Email inunison@unitec.ac.nz PO Box 44 016, Point Chevalier
Features 10. How to Win With The Ladies 12. Romance Novelist Karina Bliss 13. Love: Words and Pictures 14. Six Reasons Not To Have Sex 18. UniQ: Gay and Lesbian Mentoring 26. A Gay Old Time: Hero Party 2007
Issue 3: The Lovin’ Issue, Monday 19 March 2007
Regulars 04. Editorial 05. Letters 06. President’s Tirade 07. News 09. Arts & Entertainment 15. Vox Pops 16. Gig Guide 19. Student Support 21. Full Credit 22. The Village People 23. Jose’s Corner 24. Dear Barbie 25. Foreword 27. Music 28. Geek 29. Screen 30. Caption Comp 31. Enditorial
Credits Editor: Rory MacKinnon Designer: Mark Lovatt Ad Designer/Cover Photo: Talia Smith Models: Jatinder Singh Jacqui Nauman Contributors: Adam Beach Andrew Scoresby Audio Jack Corinne Duis Drew Hamish Oakley Iona Winter Josephine Stewart Te-Whiu Jade Doel Julz Thom Kamil “Kamillo” Grzybowski Kieran Clark Laura Bond Linda de Brett Lucy Zhou Matt Alpe Rick Cusack Robert Freeth Shane G Norris Veronica Haus-Bausen Yolanda Van der Bemd Disclaimer Opinions expressed in this publication are not necessarily those of the publishers. Submission and contributors are welcome, but the publisher reserves the right to select and edit the material submitted. Materials submitted will remain property of the publisher, unless alternative arrangements are made.
EDITORIAL
I’m Really Sorry. I know this time last year was the Sex Issue. I know you got all hot and flustered by the smokin’ models on the cover. I know you picked up an extra copy for ‘the bathroom’. But we decided to lay off the smut this time around (well, mostly).
Sure, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of the old rumpy-pumpy, but we figure you’ve already got plenty of that kind of reading material. You’re probably sick to death of titillating Erotica Expo write-ups and interviews with strippers, of backhanded articles on sex workers in the CBD. And Steve Crow doesn’t need any more opportunities to crank out his ‘filming the birth of a child and marketing it as porn is totally just about freedom of creative expression’ speech.
At this point I suppose I’m supposed to regale you with some horrible platitude, or even worse start quoting that one verse from Corinthians’ about how Love Is Gentle and Love Is Mild and Love Is Still Not Okay If It Involves Bum Sex. But instead I’ll simply suggest that you read on. Hopefully there’s something of interest in here for both you and the one you love. And as the song says, ‘if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one who followed you into the toilets at Float’. And wear a condom.
This one’s a bit different, with the In Unison crew looking at love in all its forms – from Jose’s exquisite account of her first dalliances to Matt’s big guide to big lovin’ to my own attempts to figure out what the hell drives my own girlfriend to spend the evening curled on the couch with a battered copy of The Italian Millionaire’s Mistress.
-RJM inunison@unitec.ac.nz
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usu.04 In unison wants YOU to contribute!
Letters
Txt Poll TXT in your opinion and be in to win a box of beer
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He Is The Note Writer
Dear in Unison This is in reply to Mukesh Parthasarathy (PIG) letter in issue two. I was his flat mate and I wrote that note that he scanned and put into issue 2. (I wrote it in a hurry so I missed a few words in it). This is a very brief account of what was happening over a three month period leading up to that note. My other flat mate and I got sick of cleaning up after him all the time, so we approached him and asked if he could clean the toilet and shower because he constantly urinated over the toilet seat and floor. Nothing changed, so we went and complained to the accommodation manager and she organised a cleaning roster for the three of us to follow, but still
he did not follow it. So my other flat mate moved out, so I wrote that note and gave it to him. This is only one of the many of the unhygienic things the PIG was doing. The statement that “Last semester I found another message in my room which was extremely abusive calling me a Pig” is wrong because the last time I checked calling someone a PIG was not abusive let alone extremely abusive and no I am not getting kicked out, but the funny thing is that he got kicked out for being a PIG. J. If the pig is reading this please return the apartment keys; my new flat mates are scared that you will return. Donald
TXT in your opinion and be in to win food & drink vouchers from Carrington’s, Unitec’s new licensed venue! 021 022 72536
Should Unitec become a University of Technology?
Um, okay…
Smoking should not be banned. Ruby, Foundation Business
Maybe You Could Try Talking To Them
Hi There, Can you guys make a dating site for unitec students? im new here and i noticed that all the guys hang out with the guys and all the girls hang out with the girls..its just like bloody school! i suppose Carringtons will help but it still sucks finding desent guys to mingle with. Newbe
Issue 02 Txt Poll Results Letters should be 250 words or less. You MUST include your real name, phone number and address so we don’t get sued (we won’t print them if you don’t want us to). We won’t spell-check it, but we might edit, abridge or decline it without explanation.
Place your ad here!
Find a flatmate, flog your old gear, che@p Vi@graa $$$$! Free to all Unitec students. Email inunison@unitec. ac.nz to get inked.
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Bar staff, wait staff and kitchen staff, full and part-time. Contact Linda 027 577 9197.
Sample of your opinions: ‘Yes I would’
Be in to win a 30GB iPod in the USU survey! Visit www.usu.co.nz
CLASSIFIEDS:
Would you dob in dodgy parking on campus? Yes: 50% No: 50%
Flatmate Wanted
‘No cos my m8s always cum around & park 4 da nite & i dnt want shit happenin 2 their cars..’
Mature, well-traveled student into art and photography seeks easygoing, independent flatmate. Comfortable 3 b/rm house in Te Atatu Peninsula (7 minutes to Unitec); sunny semifurnished room available now. Rent $110 (bills + food separate). Phone Linda 834 5630 or mob 021 136 5883.
Chi-Tel Phone Cards
$55 each or $85 for 2. Call Selene on 834 8318.
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THE PRESIDENT’S
TIRADE There are a number of important issues coming up that I want to talk to you about in this Tirade but first of all I want to thank the students who were on the St Pat’s pub crawl. This In Unison is themed the “Lovin’ Issue” and I’m sure many of the pub crawl attendees may now know a little better what lovin’ is - whether it be a new “best friend”, or just hugging the toilet bowl - you will have gained something and maybe lost something too. I hope you enjoyed the experience and that it was a good way of getting to know some of your fellow students better. Talking about student experience, we will be opening nominations to fill five vacant USU executive positions. These are Vice President, Post Graduate Representative, Waitakere Representative and two General Executive members. Nominations will be open on the 19th of March. Being on the Exec is a big responsibility but I encourage all who are keen to try for it.
There is also another issue which may affect your experience as a Unitec student, the University of Technology Bill is being put to Parliament in the near future. You might be wondering how this might affect you and your studies. It will affect the way that your qualification will look when you finish studying and the basic argument for it would be that any qualification that you receive will be more valuable and carry more prestige. The USU would like to start putting together a submission on behalf of Unitec students to give your opinion on this issue. While initially the idea of better status for our qualifications might sound like a great idea, we still need to get some idea of what the students of Unitec want as a whole before we support either side of this argument. So here is the question I put to you: “Should Unitec gain University of Technology status?” Send all responses to usupresident@unitec.ac.nz Adam Beach USU President
USU EXECUTIVE Beryl International Rep Dragon Ball Z rocks
Hemi Maori Rep League lover
sevrain_beryl@hotmail.com
thegrovers@xtra.co.nz
Trace Treasurer doesn’t talk about Fight Club
Kaushik General Exec coming straight from the underground
usutreas@unitec.ac.nz
kilohom@hotmail.
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Greg General Exec whitebread
Professor Plum In the Ballroom with the candlestick
celticgbp@yahoo.co.nz
lol@unitec.ac.nz
usu. CONTACTS PO Box 44016, Point Chevalier 139 Carrington Rd, Gate 4 Rm 1004, Building 180 Auckland www.usu.co.nz USU Reception (bus tickets, secondhand books) The Hub, Bld 180, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 8600 e: usu@unitec.ac.nz Student Job Search (SJS) The Hub, Bld 180, Unitec p: (09) 846 9910 e: unitec@sjs.co.nz ADVOCACY (Student Problems) Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7924 e: usuadvocate@unitec.ac.nz MEDIA, In Unison Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7927 e: inunison@unitec.ac.nz EVENTS Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7925 e: usuevents@unitec.ac.nz SPORTS Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7930 e: ususport@unitec.ac.nz USU PRESIDENT Rm 1123, Bldg 180, Gate 4, Unitec p: (09) 815 4321 ext 7929 e: usupresident@unitec.ac.nz
NEWS ID THEFT AT STUDENT CENTRE, BIG BROTHER NOT WATCHING CLOSELY ENOUGH By Rory MacKinnon
STUDENTS TAKE ON UNITED NATIONS By Linda de Brett
The overnight theft of Student Services’ identification system has delayed processing of student IDs and may be linked to black market manufacturing of fake IDs.
Students will get a chance to experience representing the United Nations at New Zealand’s first tertiary-level Model United Nations Conference in July.
politicians and ex-diplomats, and a raft of additional activities and events are planned including a ball, boat cruise and cocktail evenings.
Thieves broke into the Student Services’ reception in Building 48 on Saturday around midnight, battering down a reinforced glass door to gain entrance. Although Safety and Security Manager Frank Webb could not be contacted, Director of Facilities Management Glen Huggard describes the theft as “very odd” and says that rather than breaking the glass, the intruder wrenched the entire door from its hinges.
Paul Ryan, a student delegate from the University of Auckland, was among those representing New Zealand at the ‘World’ Model United Nations Conference held in Beijing last year. They came back inspired and thought that this would be good for New Zealand tertiary students to be involved. The former delegates then made a winning bid against Melbourne University to host the 2007 conference and won, making this the first Conference of its kind to be held in New Zealand.
International Student Executive Representative, Beryl Sevrain is enthusiastic about the concept. “It sounds like a really interesting experience with a great organization. It will give the students a good opportunity to meet and mix with the whole Pacific”.
“The door was basically rammed or kicked in – however it happened – with a huge amount of force.” Once inside, the thief took both the camera and printer used in manufacturing Unitec’s student ID cards, but to the administrators’ relief the desktop computer containing Unitec logos and data was left untouched. Huggard believes the equipment was stolen in order to produce counterfeit cards, but would not say at this point whether he believed organised crime was behind the raid. “We do have security footage, but it’s very blurred. On the tape there’s only one person involved. There’s not enough detail on the footage to identify them, but [it has] been passed on to the police.” Safety & Security would encourage all students to call their extension on 7116 and notify them of any suspicious activity after hours.
Ryan says that the conference is open to any tertiary student that wants to participate and will appeal to students interested in politics, public policies, communications, and business. “It’s not a University of Auckland thing – it is run by a committee who are all volunteers.” “It will be an exchange of information and a chance to network with like-minded people. It’s an opportunity to meet and make friends with people who have different cultural perspectives and views.” They are envisioning 500 students from around the Asia-Pacific to gather in Auckland as delegates. Each delegate will select a country to represent in different committees simulating the United Nations’, including the World Health Organisation, Security Council and World Trade Organisation, and will discuss global issues as varied as arms and weapons control, public policy and climate change. Throughout the week there will be talks by international guest speakers, including
The conference will be held during the inter-semester break, July 2 – 6. AMUNC registration is $180. To register go to www. amunc.net or e-mail Mike on info@amunc. net.
PARIS: ‘THAT’S HOT™’, REPORTERS: ‘SHUT UP ALREADY, CHRIST’ By Andrew Scoresby International news organisation the Associated Press recently declared a week-long ban on all news stories relating to New York socialite and incessant attention-whore Paris Hilton, inspiring student journalists across the globe to cease mentioning her in their articles. AP Entertainment Editor Jesse Washington said in an article in the New York Observer that even protestations against the ban generally ignored the plight of Ms. Hilton. “There was a surprising amount of handwringing. A lot of people in the newsroom were saying this was tampering with the news.” However, others were enthusiastic about the AP’s new ‘fuck off and die’ editorial
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NEWS policy, proposing the addition of North Korea to the ban list.
if the person holding it ceases to be an Ordinary member of the USU”.
Washington says that while the official ban has ended, Ms. Hilton is still on probation. “We’ll continue to use our news judgment on each item, individually.”
Section 9.6 also states that a position shall be vacated if the holder “is absent from three (3) consecutive Executive meetings without apology or explanation in any one year”, and was cited by Executive members in the decision to dismiss General Executive Member Arpit Dubey from his office.
EXEC MEMBERS GAP IT, ELECTIONS IMMINENT By Rory MacKinnom Unitec’s Student Executive is now seeking nominations for both Vice-President and General Executive positions following events at the latest Committee meeting. Incumbent Vice-President Prasad Gawande has decided to return to the workforce, defaulting from his position under Section 9.6a of the USU Constitution which states “any Executive position shall become vacant
Minutes from the March 1 meeting show that Arpit Dubey did make an apology by phone earlier that day, however the motion “that the Executive accept Arpit Dubey’s apology” failed when Members Tracey Sillett, Beryl Sevrain, Kaushik Shekar and Greg Powell voted against it. President Adam Beach says that this was due to the lateness and manner of Dubey’s apology and absence from the previous two meetings without apologies.
“It’s an unacceptable timeframe to put in an apology. You can’t do it on the day unless there’s been a bereavement or accident that has just occurred.” “Beyond that it’s an Executive’s responsibility to actually come and see what’s going on, and he hasn’t done that all year….The Executive are not going to be tolerable of a person who won’t even turn up to meetings, let alone any other sort of work.” “We represent and are accountable to all students and it is important that we make sure that the Executive are fulfilling their roles.” Dubey could not be contacted at the time of printing. Students interested in putting their names forward for nomination should contact President Beach at usupresident@unitec. ac.nz for more information.
usu. SPECIAL ELECTION
NOMINATIONS WANTED THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO BECOME A MEMBER OF THE USU EXECUTIVE
BENEFITS OF BEING A MEMBER OF THE EXECUTIVE: Great addition to your CV Great skills can be learnt Chance to meet new people
THE FOLLOWING POSITIONS ARE AVAILABLE: Vice President – 7hrs a week commitment Two General Executive Post Graduate Representative Waitakere Representative
NOMINATIONS OPEN / 19 MARCH NOMINATIONS CLOSE / 05 APRIL
ELECTION BY SPECIAL GENERAL MEETING 03 MAY 2007 NOMINATION FORMS AVAILABLE FROM USU RECEPTION – THE HUB (BLDG 180) FOR MORE INFO CONTACT THE USU PRESIDENT usupresident@unitec.ac.nz
KING JOHN THE FIRST
Third year Acting students at Unitec’s School of Performing and Screen Arts are kicking off the 2007 season with the first-ever performance of Shakespeare’s The Life and Death of King John in New Zealand. The first of Shakespeare’s history plays, King John is a mash-up of political commentary, war stories, intrigue and assassination. Not only will this be the first performance of King John in New Zealand, it will also be the cast’s first opportunity in their training to work with a full-length script, and the first production to collaborate with students from the Diploma in Design on sets and props, aided by veteran theatre designer John Parker. Ema Barton, who plays the calculating Queen Mother Eleanor, says the actors jumped at the chance to work with such original material. “It’s not one of the ‘popular’ history plays. It hasn’t been done before just because it hasn’t been done. But we thought ‘my god, we have to do it!’ It’s full of war and blood and gore - so it’s pretty deep”.
COMEDY
FEST
CONFIRMED 2007 Comedy Festival events confirmed at Unitec The International Comedy Festival has recently confirmed that Unitec will again be the sole tertiary institution hosting events in this year’s festival. USU’s first foray into the laughter business was the 2006 Waitakere Comedy Extravaganza. It sold out in a week. This year, USU Events Co-ordinator Jon ‘JT’ Tamihere says he wanted to bring the Festival to the Mt Albert campus: “The Carrington’s team are dead keen on being involved, so we’ll host one night there on May 25. And we’ll do the Waitakere campus the night before, because it worked brilliantly there last year.” Despite intense nagging from the In Unison team, JT says he is not yet in a position to reveal the final lineup of performers.
Barton cannot wait to see the audience reaction from something “so different and energised”. “We could abolish violence with this. That’s what we want to do with this…We’re like an army.”
“Last year we had eight performers for the Waitakere Comedy Extravaganza. All eight were great but the crowd really went wild for Ewen Gilmour and Sam Wills,” JT says. “Ewen’s keen to come back and Sam will definitely be involved in one if his many incarnations, either doing circus tricks, or with tape on his face, or in a manic double act. Dai Henwood also hosted a show for the USU in the Red Lecture in September and was loved by all. He’s confirmed he’ll do both shows this May.”
As Lewis, son of King Philip says in the play, ‘‘Strong reasons make strange actions”. Barton and other cast members believe that live theatre like King John can make a real difference in people’s minds. Barton compares themselves to a peacekeeping force, saying that the work is “so different and energised…we could abolish violence with this.” Director Drew elaborates.
Mr Henwood appreciates the USU’s comedy involvement; in confirming he said “Respect you hot bastard” and “Love ya balls”. Special preparations are being made to ensure he turns up and is made aware of the name of the institution where he is performing - he erroneously opened his last show here with “Good evening, AUT!”.
“It is my premise that one day our soldiers will become artistwarriors, occupying areas of conflict with an assault of pure humanity, leaving consolidated communities in their wake, filled with the inspiration to overcome conflicts without resorting to war. Naïve? Perhaps. Simplistic? Sure. Possible? Why not?”
Discounted tickets for USU members will be on sale at the end of the month.
The Life and Death of King John opens 29 March – 7 April. Bookings through www.iticket.co.nz.
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HOW
TO W WI IN T
LADH THE IES
lpe
By
A att
M
When it comes to the intricacies of dating, I know my stuff. Guys, if you’ve got that special someone on your mind, and you’re stuck for ideas of how to go about it, this is for you. Ladies, I’m also gonna be sharing some wisdom on what us fellas think about this whole crazy mess we call ‘going steady’.
Taking The First Step: The importance of your execution cannot be underestimated. Traditionally the dude kicks things off, but it really doesn’t matter who makes the first move as long as someone does. Stay away from texts and emails and especially dialogue through friends - it’s like Chinese whispers and people analyse words too much. To get a more personal and honest response, I like the face-to-face option or phone call. Be warned! If they don’t answer and you’re stuck leaving voicemail, it’s just as bad as a text message. It also costs them money to listen to your message, whereas if they answer the phone, you pick up the tab, making you look cool and not cheap.
Locating The Dating: Ice Skating On A Friday Night: So lame it just might work! West Coast Beach At Sunset: Romantic. Remember, cross a little river which requires you to piggy-back him/her. Golf: Loads of fun. Remember, DO NOT make them caddy, but DO let them drive the golf cart around. Movies: Clichéd but cool, low effort and low cost. Just make sure you go on cheap Tuesday and get a 2-for-1 pass with your 027 or on Monday and Wednesday with those supermarket dockets. Avoid blockbuster pricing and no comps, because you can’t get in for cheap on those. BUT if you want to catch a movie in style, go to the Lido Cinema. Yea boyee! Go To A Show: if you’re into music, great, that’s your thing. If you’re into art, go to a gallery, sweet. This takes the emphasis off the other person, which could be good if you’re super nervous or just not into it.
The Date: Be yourself. It’s true, I’ve watched too many episodes of Saved By The Bell to get this one wrong. Girls are smart, and they will see right through you to the guy standing behind you.
Creative Ways Of Showing Your Affection Gift-giving, letter-writing, cake-making, poem-presenting, cdcreating, concert-ticket-purchasing, time-spending, verballycomplimenting, attention-forwarding - all of these are options, but the important factor here is frequency. If you very rarely show your affection in one of these ways, she will Twink you out of her good book and scribble your name in her bad book with one of those permanent laundry markers. However, too much and she will feel claustrophobic and need ‘some space’. Making a CD is a very good way of showing affection - it only costs 50 cents, and because you made it, she’ll think of you whenever she listens to it. Poems have a high chance of coming across real lame, but you can get away with it if it’s real good, or Valentine’s Day. Weekly or monthly anniversaries are lame.
Working The Kitchen: The Dinner Date This is the big time. A dude that cooks well is rarer than a good Keanu Reeves movie, so keep within your limitations. Only attempt something if you have attempted it before, and it was good, and nobody got sick the next day. Vegetarian is good – less risk of food poisoning and girls will think you’re an environmentalist or something. Throw pesto on French bread and you have your appetiser. Done. Balsamic vinegar goes with anything: salad, roast veges, pizza, whatever. Basil: she will notice the little things that say, ‘I care about you enough to go outside in the rain and pick this stuff for you’. If you know the food’s gonna be so-so, remove the emphasis on the meal. Put on some background music, lower the lights, have an intense conversation about the earth, whatever. Keep focused, yet relaxed. Determined, yet chilled. You do have the power. Let no one else tell you otherwise.
First Impressions Last. Dunno, ay - it’s important to start the night on a good note, and then string lots of notes together to make a great song, but you don’t wanna be all about being super-impressive, because that can translate to being cocky and arrogant. Guys: Do you be a gentleman or just a dude? Some old-school moves can look really smoove, or they can look lame. It really depends on the situation. Classy restaurant: open the door, pay for the meal, make compliments, stuff like that. Kicking it at the beach on a Wednesday afternoon: don’t overdo nothing. Eye Contact. This seemingly meaningless issue can determine where the power lies in the relationship. No eye contact can mean two things: you’re either looking around for a better conversation, or trying to act too cool, and don’t care (very confusing body language). If you start with an unrelenting stare you must persist with it the whole night. Yes, the other person will get scared, but not in a snakebite kind of way, more an ‘I fear you, but it’s a safe kind of fear’ way.
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BLISSED OUT
By Rory MacKinnon
K
arina Bliss is an established author of Superromance novels and a luminary of the Romance Writers of New Zealand society. But, if you’ll excuse the exasperated chauvinist male reading Tom Clancy and Jeffrey Archer, ‘Jesus, why?’
“With a name like Bliss, it had to be either that or a porn star”. Joking aside however, she says she’s never dreamt of anything else. “Journalism seemed the only feasible way to make a living when I was choosing a career. I always knew ‘one day’ I’d try and write romantic fiction, and when I turned forty I realized I was running out of time.” “It’s said you should write what you like to read, and romance novels, particularly with a humorous element, were consistently my favourite books. Pragmatically, I also wanted to write romance because the market is international, which means you can make a living out of it if you’re good…. Over half of all mass market paperbacks published worldwide are romances, which gives you the potential - again, if you’re good - to reach thousands, even hundreds of thousands of readers.” Of course the merest mention of marketing leaves an ugly four-letter word dangling in the air, one that every genre writer struggles with: ‘hack’. She sighs. “There are good books and bad books in romance, mysteries, thrillers, westerns, war novels, suspense and literature. Are there some awful covers in romance? Yes. Are there some cliched plots and bad writing in romance? Yes. Are there brilliant books and incredible writers pushing boundaries in fiction? Yes, same as with all genres.” On the other hand, no other genre is virtually monopolised by a single publisher. Harlequin and their subsidiary Mills & Boon have often faced accusations of preying on and stifling new writers, offering publication at the expense of artistic integrity. One website offering advice for authors of medical romances suggests, somewhat surprisingly, that “no one should die or be ill, as the story shouldn’t be distressing”. So is the Mills & Boon behemoth crushing creativity? Bliss disagrees. “Harlequin has always been an easy target, but what other publisher encourages emerging writers to the same degree? Not that it’s easy to be published by Harlequin - another myth that’s sadly not true, they probably pick up one or two new writers per two thousand submissions - but once you’re accepted, they put a lot of effort into helping you become a better writer. Many of romance’s bestsellers - Nora Roberts, Linda Howard, Jennifer Crusie - honed their craft with Harlequin.”
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Bliss compares the regimented structure of category romance to that of sonnets or haiku. “There are non-negotiable boundaries. You have to have a happy ending for example, which is why the hero and heroine can’t die. Some writers would find that stifling, others find it freeing. Being creative with rules is a huge challenge, but quite honestly, all the ‘rules’ (with the exception of the one about the happy ending) have been broken by category writers because there’s nothing more fun than ignoring a ‘no tresspass’ sign. The challenge comes in writing a good enough book to get away with breaking the rules - and the editors want them, believe me.” Bliss would know. Her first published novel, Mr. Imperfect is obscurely set in a small town on the Hauraki plains and begins with the staunch protagonist weeping: “Christian Kelly cried at funerals. For a man who never wept it had been an appalling discovery.” Of course, there is an implicit symmetry that Mr. Kelly will cry at his wedding as well – and there will be a wedding; after all, this is Mills & Boon. But Bliss bristles at the thought that romance novels are moralistic or devaluing women. “Frankly I think [it] is as irrelevant as asking whether literature is being elitist by not appealing to the masses. The ‘over-arching morality’ obviously isn’t in reference to sex, which is integral to Supers [Superromance novels]. Do you mean that the people in our books are basically good people who do the right thing? Absolutely. Are you asking if I believe that a man and woman can achieve personal growth through a relationship that lasts a lifetime? Absolutely.” “If a novel has a romance as its primary focus, then it’s a romance, regardless of what the marketers call it. So Bridget Jones is a romance, Pride & Prejudice is a romance, Nicolas Sparks’ The Notebook is a romance. Given the media bias against romance, it’s probably no surprise it gets marketed as something else by publishers- particularly if they’re hoping to snag some male readers.” “Women who enjoy reading Supers buy them. Should they take any notice of someone who disapproves of their choice of reading material? Hey, you’re supposed to be a subversive student, you answer that one.” Crikey.
I rarely see you I think about you now and then
YOU
Words by Kamil “Kamillo” Grzybowski Pictures by Karl Sheridan Objects by Christian Nicholson
The few times I do see you I go fuzzy, buzzy Smile like an idiot And go Uuhhhh….. What I mean by that is WOW! The beauty of your eyes Make me want to fly, But when I look deeper I see the beauty of a rose and its stingy thorns The real thing. You I see life, love and passion I see the woman Of my dreams I see you (Dedicated to a beauty in SPASA)
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6 SEX REASONS
NOT TO HAVE
By Lucy Zhou
So, everyone around you is having sex: your mates, your work buddies, your cousin, your parents… and you feel like you are the only one who’s not doing the dirty deed. Doesn’t that make you feel stink? There’s probably a reason why no one is giving you any loving. You’re probably the smelly kid in class. Maybe you’re frighteningly defensive, which puts people off from talking to you. Perhaps you’re clingy and needy, or it could be that you are just plain ugly. No worries though, there are many of us freaks out there and we are still surviving without sex. I’m going to change your way of thinking and put you off having sex – this way you will feel great about yourself and sex won’t be another item on your ‘things to do before you die’ list.
1Sex Is Dirty
You can catch crabs, herpes, gonorrhea and worse, BABIES. By being sex-free, you are more likely to live a full, happy STI-free life. Which is COOL.
2Sex Is Dangerous
A friend of mine once told me a story of when she and her man were doing it in the shower. As they were going at it, he slipped on some soap and she broke her nose and he sprained his hip – very, very dangerous. If however you do find someone to have sex with, make sure you use protection. Invest in a good sturdy helmet, knee and elbow pads and a mouth guard. It’s better to be safe than sorry.
3Sex Is A Waste Of Time
I’m sure all you lot have better things to do, like homework and more homework. If you do find you have spare time on your hands, take up a non-sexually provoking hobby such as crocheting and macramé. Also, volunteering to help at the old people’s home is a major turn-off.
4Sex Is Expensive Enough said.
5Sex Is Emotionally Straining
Yes, there are people out there that hump and dump - but anyone with a brain and heart know that tapping and gapping is a hurtful and sad thing to do. Having sex brings out emotions that you never knew you had, and no one likes a crier after sex. Save the trouble of turning emo; don’t do it.
usu.14
6
Sex Is A Let Down
If you watch porn and think that that is how you have sex, you are wrong. If you expect your first time to be exactly like Backdoor Girls #3 you’re going to be very, very disappointed. Sex is awkward and uncomfortable the first time. The people aren’t going to be that ‘big’ and attractive, and some of us aren’t that acrobatic. If you hate disappointment, don’t have sex. If these reasons are not convincing enough there are plenty of cool people out there who were celibate or not sexually active. Gandhi: he was awesome! Look at all the things he accomplished. If Gandhi was having sex he wouldn’t have made history by starving himself for peace. Mother Theresa was a well known virgin - if she went out to town to skank it up she might have never won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979 for her humanitarian work. Jessica Simpson was a virgin until she married what’s-his-face (she used to be cool, I think). Sir Isaac Newton didn’t have sex for a long, long while (or not at all maybe?) and he invented the laws of motion! Show me a sexually active person you know who has done that! Don’t let the pressure of needing to have sex get to you. There’s nothing wrong with not being sexually active, and some people find that choice very attractive. When it’s right, it will happen. Until then, be cool and keep it in your pants. I enjoy not having sex anymore, it’s great. Sex is the last thing on my mind. I mean, I wouldn’t want to blow my own horn would I?
VOX POPS 1. Hooked up, shacked up or single? 2. So, what did you do for V-Day? 3. What did you do with your O’Pack condom? 4. What does Mills & Boon mean to you? 5. What’s the most beautiful thing anyone’s ever said to you?
#3
Josie BPSA, Cont. Dance
#1
Gabe Exchange student, USA
#2
Karl BPSA, Production
1. Single (and a Virginian, too -Ed.).
1. Hooked up (sorry, girls).
2. Went to a bonfire with friends.
2. Dreamworld Australia with my girl – even won her a tiger!
3. Kept it for good use. 4. Something fun. 5. ‘Hey there, hot stuff…’
#4
Victoria BPSA, Writing
3. Water balloon… 4. It means ‘shake your bon-bon’. 5. “…That was amazing…”
#5
Kris Exchange student, Canada
1. Single (021 022 72536).
1. Hooked up.
1. Hooked up(?)
2. Went to a friend’s place for dinner. A single friend, not ‘that’ type of friend.
2. Sweet fuck-all.
2. Went to the international student orientation then sat, sad and alone, at home.
3. It’s sitting on my bedside table along with last year’s one. 4. Umm…‘drop the pelvis’?
4. Not personally my cup of tea, but each to their own.
5. That I have more to offer than I know.
3. …We had an O’pack condom?
5. “I love you”
3. It’s in safekeeping for another time. 4. …cheap wine? 5. “I love you more than the air I breathe”
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Stuff CATCH ALL THE ACTION AT CARRINGTON’S •
Quiz Nights:
Enter your team in the weekly Carrington’s quiz to win great prizes.
usu.
Stuff
MARKET DAYS AT THE HUB (BLDG 180) EVERY TUESDAY. DURING TERM TIME. WWW.USU.CO.NZ FOR DETAILS
Clothing Curios and Collectibles
• • •
Tuesday 20th March Tuesday 27th March Tuesday 3rd April
•
Live Music Nights
Check out regular live music nights at Carrington’s •
End of Term Party - Wednesday 4th April
Watch for more details regarding the end of term party.
15% STUDENT DISCOUNT ON ALL FOOD AND DRINK PURCHASES. From Monday 19th March, Carrington’s will be fully open for business between 10am and 10pm Monday to Friday. Check out Carrington’s for a wide range of affordable food (snacks to full meals) and drinks-and the best coffee on campus. Carrington’s is the only licensed café at Unitec. Located in building 33 in the centre of the campus, Carrington’s is the new social focal point for students.
Stuff
ENQUIRE ABOUT CARRINGTON’S If you are interested in booking Carrington’s for any type of private function you can: Visit our website at www.carringtons.co.nz Email us at info@carringtons.co.nz Phone our office on 09 361 3613 and ask for Rachael Building 33, Unitec Campus, Enter at Gate 3, Carrington Road, Point Chevalier
GIG
GUIDE
19 March Monday The Indie Club w/ Carl from Daisy Chain Halo, Eight Living Legs, Jason Leslie Group, Eel and The DHDFDS King’s Arms, Newton
20 March Tuesday USU Market Day From 10am at the HUB
21 March Wednesday Priya Sami, Blair Coates and Reb Fontain Dog’s Bollix Irish Bar, Newton Goldenhorse The Spiegeltent, Red Square, Britomart
24 March Saturday Lojac: live hip hop and funk Rakino’s Labretta Suede & The Motel 6 and Guests W/ Tony Bambini and The Hootchy Kootchy Girls King’s Arms, Newton
22
Solo Sundays Shore Sounds w/Mila Gurney and Chris Sanders Windsor Reserve, Devonport Nathan Haines Red Square, Britomart The Caitlin Smith Trio Drake Bar and Brasserie, Freemans Bay
Mystery Girl Presents The Lemonheads (US) Studio, K’Rd
23
AK07 Maori Music Night Red Square, Britomart Luke Thompson and Kimbra, The Perfect Drive Acoustic Tour Grey Lynn Library Hall
31 March Saturday R&V Cellar Tour Blackbird, North Shore Pony Club, Sunshine Soundsystem and guests Northern Steamship Pluto with Motocade The Office Bar
12 April Thursday The Magic Numbers St James
Richard Buckner & Edith Frost Schooner Tavern
USU Free Movie Night: Borat 6.45pm at the HUB
March Friday
Little Miss Sunshine
17 April Tuesday
March Thursday
Goldenhorse The Spiegeltent, Red Square, Britomart
USU Free Movie Night: Little Miss Sunshine 6.45pm at the HUB
25 March Sunday
26 March Monday Goldenhorse
29 March Thursday
20 April Friday Lemonheads
27 March Tuesday
Gomez The Powerstation
USU Market Day from 10am @ the HUB Reel Big Fish and The WBC King’s Arms, Newton Gomez
usu.17
GAY AND
LESBIAN
MENTORING SCHEME A bit of background:
For the past few years, the Unitec Student Union and the Counselling Centre have been contacted with requests from students questioning their sexuality. In order to help students progress through what can be a difficult time, this year the Counselling Centre will be implementing a gay mentoring service. This is based on a model offered by Waikato University.
Small beginnings: From the start of 2007 we will have two guys available as mentors. A woman had also been selected to be a mentor but unfortunately had to withdraw at the last minute. Jade and Rob are your mentors. These guys have undergone training with the help of Gayline, who provided them basic training around such important issues as: ethics, boundaries, and effective listening. Later in the year, I am hoping to expand the scheme by offering training here at Unitec so we can get lesbian support happening as well.
About the scheme: The mentor scheme is available to those students who are coming out, embracing a new sexual identity, questioning their sexuality, or unsure of their sexual identity. The aim is for participants to be matched up with an appropriate mentor who can provide a role model as someone who is comfortable with themselves, share experiences of their own, and help participants make sense of their situation. It is NOT: A crisis line A counselling service A dating service
Who are the mentors? Jade: Tena koutou katoa. Ko Ngati Porou te Iwi, Ko Jade toku ingoa, No Tokomaru Bay ahau. When it comes to community I’m first in line and this year I’ll be wearing a few hats. You’ll not only find me at Building One studying a BArch but you will also see me involved in our Maori community here at Te Whare Wananga o Wairaka as a mentor to our Whai Ake recipients, and the Unitec Residential Warden’s hat also belongs to me. This year I’ll be adding a new hat to the collection, it has sat on my shelf for some time and this year I will be wearing it proudly as a GLBT mentor. If my background was vocal you would hear extractions of woolsheds, conversations with many people, Te Reo Maori, East Coast life, seagulls, my family singing, lots of laughter, rivers running, Melbourne trams and Unitec lecturers. The only thing missing is the sound of New York Traffic.
Rob: Surprise, well this is me, Robert, a queer mentor for 2007. If you don’t already know I have been the USU President for the past two years. I’m back at Unitec this year to finish off my studies (Bachelor of Cockmputer Systems Degree) and to help out with this project. I’m looking forward to being a queer mentor for 2007 and helping out people who are maybe questioning their sexuality. As an openly gay guy I am more than willing to give advice and help out when I can. If you see me around campus, please don’t be afraid to say hi.
How to make contact: Phone Scheme Co-ordinator Rick Cusack (815-4321 x 8183) during office hours or email rcusack@unitec.ac.nz. After finding out what you need, Rick will put you in touch with a mentor who will then contact you.
CAREERS
COUNSELLING
Finding work you love – how on earth do you do that???
What’s Love Got To Do With It?
Wouldn’t it be awesome to end up after your studies having a job that: a) uses skills you really love using? b) is in an area you are passionate about and love talking about? c) makes a positive difference and people will love you for it?
Kia ora koutou- I’m Iona Winter, Team Leader and one of the Counselling Team here at Unitec. This will be my sixth year here, and I am passionate about the service we offer to students. As this is the Loving Issue, I thought I’d write something along those lines from a counselling perspective.
You may well wonder what planet I’m on. Are there jobs out there that do all these things? I would say yes, there are. It is a matter of discovery – discovering what your loves are and then discovering where to find the work that fulfils these loves. What better gift to give yourself than to spend some quality time beginning the process of working out what your loves are.
“Your heart knows the places that it loves. Your mind knows the subjects that it loves. Your body knows the workout that it loves Your soul knows the values that it loves.” -
From “What Color Is Your Parachute” by Richard Bolles
Most editions of this book have the chapter called “The Geography of the Heart”, in which Richard Bolles discusses how we can use our intuition to discover where our dream jobs are using the things we love.
Love for most conjures up a plethora of feelings and memories. Post-Valentine’s Day, how do we feel? Were we acknowledged by a loved one? Or perhaps whisked off to a surprise dinner? Showered with champagne and chocolates? Did we boycott the whole thing because it’s just another consumerist exercise? Did we forget about it completely until we saw a young man on the roadside shaking a sign for “a dozen roses cheap”? Or was it another day when we remembered, that for yet another year, we were still single? Would we ever find true love? In a nutshell, did we feel loved and acknowledged for who we are or not? For the majority of people we see at Counselling, love certainly has something to do with it. Be it the absence of love, too much love and feeling suffocated (which isn’t really love anyhow!), not enough love and feelings of emptiness, or confusion about what love really is, love, aroha, l’amour is a big part of who we are. Being in the helping profession, we know something about love, its importance in our lives and the lives of those we work with. Studies have shown us for many years that children who grow up in a loving environment fare better than those who grow up with little or no love in their upbringing. Even plants grow more healthily when they are shown love and attention. Sadly for the majority of us, the issues of love, loving, nurturing and attention are basic human needs we often didn’t (or still don’t) get met.
The Career & Employment Centre Career Practitioners can support you through the fun journey of discovering what you are going to love doing in your future. We look forward to working with you.
How difficult can it be to love ourselves, when the environment we live in is far from being a loving one?
Yolanda van den Bemd 815 4321 ext 8612 Career & Employment Centre Bldg 48 and Bldg 180
It’s never too late to explore these questions. At Counselling we can support you in finding your own answers to questions you may have about love, life and study. By having a supportive and nurturing relationship with a counsellor, you can explore what these things really mean for you. We are trained to walk alongside you on your journey of self discovery and healing. Ma te whakatau ka mohio – ‘By discussion comes understanding’. Iona Winter Unitec Counselling Centre Building 52
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usu. The USU in conjunction with the Sports Centre offer organised free play sport time slots at the Sports Centre. USU Sport wants to give every Unitec student the opportunity to ‘have a go’ at different sports.
FREE PLAY SPORT TUESDAY 12-1PM
WEDNESDAY 3-4PM
THURSDAY 3-4PM
MONTHLY PRIZE DRAW IF YOU ATTEND 3 OR MORE SESSIONS
Basketball & Netball @ Sports Centre Touch @ Sports Field in front of Bldg 47 Soccer @ Sports Field behind Bldg 170
Basketball & Volleyball @ Sports Centre Soccer & Ultimate Frisbee @ Sports Field behind Bldg 170
Volleyball & Badminton @ Sports Centre Touch @ Sports Fields in front of Bldg 47
Please show your student ID card at the Sports Centre Reception
see www.usu.co.nz or email ususport@unitec.ac.nz for the sports available on each day and their venue
usu. LEAGUE TEAM
to compete in July Tertiary Tournament
TRAINING STARTING APRIL 30TH - MONDAY&WEDNESDAY 4-5.30PM League or rugby background preferred but not essential.
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FULL
CREDIT COACHING FOR DUMMIES
By Matt Alpe
A huge part of a team’s success is the coach. Bad ones fail to reach the players and to extract the goods. Excellent ones win games by motivating, inspiring and teaching awesome skills and drills. I believe at one point in everyone’s lives, we will all coach in one way or another. Doesn’t have to be within the constructs of a court, field, pitch or turf. You see, coaching is not limited to sports and sports alone. I’m in the kitchen with a friend, and, how do I put it nicely – he is really bad at cooking. But that’s fine, we gotta start somewhere. Now, I’ve done a few papers at school on coaching, so my approach to this situation was taken directly from what I learnt. ‘Real world learning’, yes please. I asked Aaron if I could use his real name for this and he said no way, so let’s just call him Steve. First of all, I explained what cooking is really about. Let your players know what they’re in for. That way when knives are out and gas hobs are flaming, the participants will not be alarmed. Just like leading a soccer team through dribbling skills, safety first. I go through some basic chopping drills with Aaron, starting with a few carrots, then stepping it up to the tomato. Don’t be afraid to talk heavily around something tricky like the tomato. Start with a demonstration, then give three quick and easy tips to the cutting process. For example: One, soft grip. Two, slide blade. Three, repeat one and two. Simplify. If I’m teaching a group of athletes how to free dive, I’m not gonna be out there in the water waffling on about snorkels, masks, breathing, sharks, depths, and sunblock. No. I’m gonna say ‘ok, one, dive. Two, don’t
die. Three, have fun’. Done. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. Coaching is all about leadership and leadership is all about dominating the scene. By now, Aaron’s confidence is rising like yeasty bread. Time to step it up even further, mortar and pestle style. ‘What?’ says Aaron. I reassure him ‘Don’t worry, it’s okay. You grind stuff with it.’ Good communication with your athletes is necessary to form a working relationship in order to achieve the ultimate goal, to win. At this point, I haven’t really done anything but coach Aaron through it. Could I have taken over and done it all myself? Sure. But what would Aaron have learnt from that? Catch a man a fish, and his hunger is satisfied. Coach him in the ways of catching a fish, he gets that smell of fish on his hands that won’t come off, but more importantly, his hunger is satisfied a million times over because Aaron can go fishing whenever he wants. Before I knew it, Aaron was mixing, roasting, micro waving, seasoning, and completely dominating the kitchen! The question I had to ask myself as I sat down with the end result in front of me was ‘would we have won without me?’. The answer was no. But would we have won without Aaron? Absolutely not - because the sense of accomplishment I received from coaching Aaron is the real victory.
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THE
VILLAGE
PEOPLE
YOUNG MAN, THERE’S A PLACE YOU CAN GO
O
ne of the most popular drinking games is Circle of Death or Kings. Whether you play with randoms or mates, in a lounge, bar or car park, it’s a really fun game that you can play with people from all over the world. Believe me, I’ve tried. To play you need: A pack of cards (works really well with 5) A general surface (car parks are always good) A central vessel (could be a jar or a jug) Some people (upwards of 2, I find randoms mixed with mates really good)
Okay, to explain some of these:
General rules: There are no set basics; but you have the International Drinking rules which can apply to almost any game. They are:
Nominate: You may designate the given value in drinks around the circle to different people (or the same person - it’s up to you).
The word ‘drink’, or any word with ‘drink’ inside it, must not be spoken during the game. There is to be no use of players’ real names during the game. Uncommon nicknames and “Oy, you!” may be used. A variation of this is that you can use a person’s name as long as you put “brother” in front of it There is to be no pointing during the game. Elbows are acceptable. Ungentlemanly conduct is prohibited (i.e. No swearing, openly belching, etc). But as there are no “set” rules for Circle of Death, here are a couple of versions, the Americans’ and what we most often play by:
CARD 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 JACK QUEEN KING ACE JOKER
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AMERICANS For You For Me For Whores (girls drink) Alive For Dicks (guys drink) Heaven Pick a Mate (pick someone to drink with you) Bust a Rhyme Categories Rule Card Never Have I Ever or Question Master Vessel Card Waterfall Nothing
Ship Came Into Harbour/categories: “A ship came in to harbour carrying a shitload of … (for example) alcohol”. Next person continues, “vodka”, next person “bourbon”, etc until someone pauses too long or repeats or screws up - and they have to drink. Rule Card: You get to make up a rule that lasts for the game, i.e. when the girls drink they have to kiss a guy, or the In My Pants Rule (after the conclusion of any statement you must say ‘in my pants’). This rule can be modified to use other phrases besides ‘in my pants’ such as ‘in my bed’, ‘when I’m naked’, etc. Dare Card: Dare someone. If they refuse that dare they are allowed two more options.
OURS Nominate 2 drinks Nominate 3 drinks Nominate 4 drinks Nominate 5 drinks Ship Came Into Harbour Carrying Rule Card Truth Card Dare Card Toilet Card Thumbmaster Never Have I ever King cup, or 1, 2, 3, all Snake Eyes or Cheers Wild Card – it’s anything
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Snake Eyes: If you make eye contact with anyone else they must drink. Our rules change almost every time we play: we used to have a Strip card, a Nominate Strip card, and there was a card where you were handcuffed in the middle of the car park in whatever state of dress for 3 minutes. Awesome fun, awesome laughs, awesome time for pictures.
JOSE’S
CORNER MELTING UPWARDS
O
utside the bar. Late evening. Two women smoke cigarettes.
Me: Helen: Me: Helen: Me:
Fuck. My article was due in on Wednesday and it’s Thursday and I STILL haven’t done it. What’s it on? The issue theme is Love. I thought I might just write about my first love or something… oh, fuck, I don’t know. (Gestures angrily at the sky) Can you quote me? (shrugs) Ok.
Helen takes a long slow drag of her cigarette and eyes Me beadily as a lovely long tail of smoke falls from her lips. Helen: Love stinks. Helen stands up. Drops her cigarette on the ground and crushes it with the heel of her stiletto. She slinks away. Hello again, my loves. Everybody shut up because I want to be serious for a moment. I am going to tell you the story of my first love. Now before I begin you must understand that I can’t tell you everything because it’s just not possible when you only have one page of the magazine. I also want to say that I do not identify as a lesbian, or as a heterosexual. And I don’t think I believe in bisexuality. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I believe sexuality is fluid. It is ever changing, shifting and moving along the sex continuum forever… I did indeed fall in love with a young woman. So I suppose this is my coming-out story. We met at school. We were fifteen when we met and seventeen when we first slept together. She had a boyfriend and every time I saw them together I wanted to vomit. She cheated on him with me on a regular basis. We never told anybody because we were frightened of what people might think. Eventually she dumped him for me. Yes! And oh my god, I absolutely adored and love her! I could not take my eyes off her when she walked into a room. When she looked at me my stomach did gymnastics and when she touched me I felt like I was melting into the air. Melting upwards. Melting upwards… that’s love. The greatest part about being two females is that people simply expect women to travel to the bathroom in packs. It was simply beautiful. Flawless.
I think our friends suspected something. They must have. Once a friend of ours came around in the middle of a summer afternoon sex session. She banged on the door and we leaped about five feet away from each other. It was a silent pandemonium as we raced to find our clothes amid hurried whispers of who turned who on and who was to blame. My love threw a towel around her and ran to the bathroom while I had to act casual in a t-shirt (no bra) and skirt and try and not think about how my skirt was just covering the stockings and underwear around my knees. And then everybody knew. Love letters. I have no idea how many love letters, poems, notes or sweet soft whisperings I offered her, and I have a box of the ones she gave me. Except one. She had written to me and placed it in her wallet. She then lost her wallet at our friend’s house and they couldn’t find it. Seven months later it was discovered, and not by my love. Our “friend” invited some of our friends over to her house. They got drunk. She pulled out the letter and they read it. I was devastated and felt extremely violated. The majority of our friends were actually really good about it. Some not so much, but they have come around. I don’t talk to the other girl anymore and I’m still quite bitter about it. She’s in Otago now studying commerce. Who the fuck studies commerce at Otago anyway? What a boring boring-face. We broke up at the end of last year. We were together for about 5 years or so. We are still the closest of friends and I know that till the day I die I will always have the utmost love and respect for her. That’s my story of love. For those of you who have felt what it’s like to be in love with someone; lucky/poor you. For those of you that haven’t love feels like melting upwards. AND for those lovely ladies who want to know what it feels like to be with another woman, all I can say is they’re soft and they smell nice. She used to get angry at me because I was always too shy to introduce her as my girlfriend. So this is the least I can do. Celine, this is for you. “Romantic love was invented to manipulate women”- Jenny Holzer
usu.23
DEAR
BARBIE AND
KEN Email your Email your questions questions to to Barbie Barbieand andKen: Ken inunisonbarbie@hotmail.com m inunisonbarbie@hotmail.com Dear Barbie, I think you went too far in promoting the new bar in your last column. CORPORATE WHORE! -Nathan Dear Nathan, I was not motivated by anything as evil as the capitalist cause but for the greater good of promoting, drinking and filthmongering. Dear Barbie and Ken, I am going to find out who you are and kill you. If you are two different people I am going to kill both of you. If you are that penis who was on the front of the last issue I will kill you really hard. -Arnie Dear Arnie, I am a virus, even if you kill one cell the other contagions will only be spurred on to greater psychopathology. Dear Barbie, I want to win the In Unison poetry competition If I win it will be a good schmompetition And I will be cool - Byron (Lord) Dear Byron (Lord), My advice: if you want to win the In Unison poetry competition, I strongly suggest that you enter the In Unison poetry competition. Waste the judges’ time and not mine. Details on how to enter are probably somewhere in this magazine. I’ll be damned if I’m gonna go through the effort of cross-referencing. But be warned; I may render all other contributions meaningless by entering myself.
usu.24
Dear Barbie, I note that the quality of your reviews and articles in your magazine has nosedived with the departure of some key contributors, most notably Logan Longbourne. Please pick things up, I miss their outstanding contribution. -Richie Dear “Richie”, Fuck off Logan, you’re not fooling anyone. Dear Ken, I spent one day during Orientation walking back and forth through the Hub collecting lollipops from the many tables that were offering them. I got over forty. Was there anything wrong with this? -Toothless Joe Dear Toothless Joe, There’s only one class of person who really has any excuse to carry around that many wowwipops. Paedophiles. Dear Barbie, I just got back to Unitec after being overseas all summer. What’s changed? -Baby Got Back Dear Baby Got Back, Well, you’ll be pleased to know the cops can still rape.
FOREWORD BOOK
REVIEWS BY CORINNE DUIS
Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West Gregory Maguire
Gone is the funsy green figure, easily ridiculed, shrieking the memorable phrase “I’m melting, I’m melting, oh, what a world…” Instead, presented in view is the green, sharp-featured, inscrutably untouchable Elphaba: her family origins explained, her humanity, femininity and cold, distanced distraction from the world of Oz explored.
The Fantasy Figure Artist’s Reference File Peter Evans
Love to draw fantasy figures but have trouble with the poses, the characters? Facial expressions getting you down? Then this is definitely the book for you! This file is full of dramatic poses from popular fantasy characters such as archers, barbarian warriors, evil wizards/sorceresses, dwarves and more. While some of the costumes are lame to say the least (just look at the fairy!) it is the perfect guide to stir the imagination and get you thinking in the right direction about how best to set your character up for the right dramatic impact.
Gregory Maguire has given new dimensions to the Wicked Witch of the West but to be quite honest, I preferred her the way she was. This Elphaba is harder to like and harder to fathom - the fact you even want to try means she’s now someone you want to understand instead of laugh at by mere simplicity of character. Elphaba is a detached character, aloof and remote, yet passionate and engaged about speaking sentient Animal rights (i.e. the Cowardly Lion). Much deeper into the tale, some insight is provided as to the continual detachment, by which point she is too hard to link to the movie’s wicked witch. Most irritating is the repulsion to water which is never explained, instead it’s mysticised as a “thing since birth”. The prologue reveals the closest representation of our beloved witch, which was the perfect set-up for the disappointment that was to follow. I found it rather dry reading, sort of like some non-fiction biographies. If you think you can understand the heart of the Wicked Witch, then this is the read for you. It’s very informative, covering the importance of body types, close-up detail of jewellery and clothing and detailing classic fantasy poses from four different views and three perspectives. The expression close-ups are very useful for drawing facial structure and, well, expression. This file only gets better, as it also offers a CD-ROM boasting more than 600 copyright-free images. It’s extraordinarily comprehensive without being some great big tome that would double as a door stop! It’s also spirally bound, so no need to crush pages if it needs to be left open for reference. My only complaint is that there isn’t one of these for fantasy landscape drawing as the two together would help create the perfect fantasy scene. Even if you aren’t that interested in drawing fantasy characters and scenes, each person modelling for the character is profiled and photographed in poses without costumes, so there is a clear idea of form and shape. The perfect all-rounder for any budding fantasy artist.
From February until 1 April, In Unison is running a poetry contest with the winner receiving a $30 Borders voucher and the poem published in a future issue of In Unison. Submit your entries via email to inunison@unitec.ac.nz by 5pm 1 April 07. Poems are to be a maximum of 20 lines about any subject you choose as long it incorporates the theme of “Summer Days”. You can submit more than 1 entry. Each entry must include a title, your name, programme of study and contact email. Entries in TXT language will not be accepted.
usu.25
A
GAY OLD
TIME
By Josephine Stewart
Photos by Sean A.
I ventured down to the Hero party which was on at the St James. It was a huge dance party to celebrate the end of the Hero Festival which is basically a couple of weeks dedicated to gay pride. I wasn’t too sure about how I thought about going but I had free tickets and it occurred to me that I had never been to any form of gay bar or gay party, aside from drunken nights in which I have ended up in Family on K Road, dancing on the table tops and having the time of my life because none of the men were trying to come onto me. It was total freedom! Anyway. The music was okay. I don’t know because I’m not the biggest fan of dance music; it sort of bought back flashes of ecstasy days trying to chew my own face off. They had four dance areas: the main room, mezzanine, outside (which played the George FM best gay songs EVER, including We Are Family by the Scissor Sisters) and finally there was the upstairs which I noticed was the lesbian hangout. The music up here was better than downstairs and they put projections of The L Word on the wall, which was fucking beautiful. I think what surprised me the most was the ratio of men to women: it must have been 5:1, if that. The women weren’t all short-haired either. There were some beautiful women there with
other beautiful women, which I have to admit, personally I found much more watchable than two beautiful men (and by the way ladies, the men were fucking BEAUTIFUL, so pretty). And oh my, the costumes! They were fabulous! It was a tea party of hot pants, leather and feathers. We drank vodka and oranges and went to check out the main room. I can’t remember who was playing but I do remember the young men on stage dancing and groping each other. They looked like Botticelli’s angels on Viagra. I couldn’t draw my eyes away from the grinding. There’s not much left for me to say on the night really apart from the fact that I had a really good time and the people were lovely and super cool. Overall I had a really good night and I ended up getting quite pissed when I told myself I would have an early which is always a sign of a good time. I wish I could review the music more but sadly my dance music days have been placed lovingly besides my Spice Girls phase and my obsession with Michael Jackson. It was a gay old time.
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uni tec Gay Lesbian Bisexual Takataapui Social Group
Come share your lunch break with other like-minded Unitec students in an open and friendly space Meeting every second Monday starting on the 19th of March 12.30-1.30pm Unilounge, building 180 the hub opposite the coffee cart
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WANT MORE INFO? uniQtec@gmail.com 0800unitec ext 8494
MUSIC
REVIEWS
2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968)
MATISYAHU YOUTH SONY
A Jewish reggae/hip-hop star straight from the Bronx. Sound odd? Just what I thought when I was first told about Matisyahu, but once I heard the artist’s new album Youth I was convinced
that he was going to win over a lot of new fans. His previous album wasn’t exactly what you could call thrilling. It was like you were sitting in a Religious Education class and no matter how hard you tried, you just couldn’t leave. Although Youth has an essence of preaching in it as well, it makes up with excellent collaboration between bass and drums. The Time Of Your Song, the third track on this record, was my favorite. Its calming synths and vocal solo at the start relaxes you, and with perfect timing the drums and bass kick in, lifting and carrying you through the rest of the song. Matisyahu has made an album that takes you on a journey, built to inspire you. KIERAN CLARK
CALEXICO & GHOSTPLANE At Studio, K’Rd
It’s one thing to wank on about some band’s “oddly elusive charm”, but it’s another to find yourself queuing for tickets without having ever actually owned any of their albums. While I’d merely enjoyed last year’s album Garden Ruin and their work with Iron & Wine, I found myself genuinely compelled to see the band in a live setting. I wasn’t the only person with these curious yearnings, either. Almost every conversation I overheard went something along the lines of “I don’t know much about them, but they sound like they’d be good live”. And they were so very, very good. An opening set by Ghostplane was a low-key, hushed affair. Despite flippant asides from bassist Ash Harmer, the band’s playlist was a muted but solid selection of minor-key alt-country hummers performed with a quiet reserve, picking up into lilting, Pixie-esque pop-rock for the final number.
The effort of actually getting all of Calexico’s various members on stage began to resemble a Benny Hill clip in slow motion: guitarist Joey Burns would slink from backstage, tweak a pedal for two minutes and then exit stage left as Paul Niehaus entered from the other side to check the tuning on his slide guitar. A good half-an-hour later, the full band was assembled, and what I had previously seen as muddling was revealed as the rituals and relaxation of an incredibly well-rehearsed act. Every impatient second spent at the bar was worth it, resulting in the most exceptionally well-balanced mixing I have ever heard at an Auckland gig, accommodating every timbre and pitch from stand-up bass to the notoriously difficult brass section. The same held true for the musicians themselves; a live performance of remarkable texture and tone, effortlessly shifting from mariachi to ballad to pure soundscape. This review doesn’t even need a rating: ‘three encores’ says it all. AUDIO JACK
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GEEK
GAME & CONSOLE
REVIEWS BY LUCY ZHOU
bar included in the package anywhere in front of you and your TV. The Wii remote frees you from cold and difficult buttons, giving you a simpler layout on the slim one-handed controller. Motion sensors in the nun-chuck controller allow you to connect it to the remote and swing it in imitation of actions in real life. Not only does this add totally new interactions to existing games; it will most likely spawn new concepts in game development. Setup is easy to do, just plug and play. You create your Mii, which is a self-customized character you can use to play Wii Sports, a game included in the bundle featuring bowling, baseball and tennis. My flatmates – a female aged 17, a non-gamer and a 35 year-old hardcore gamer male - both played this on the console and were smiling ear to ear, showing that an inexperienced newbie can have as much fun as a serious everyday player.
WII CONSOLE NINTENDO APPROX $499.95
Nintendo has been around since the swinging seventies, with well-known platforms such as the Gameboy, N64, GameCube and NDS. The latest addition to the successful family is the new Nintendo Wii – pronounced as “we”. It is a revolutionary new way of gaming.
But like every other console out there, the Wii does have a few faults: make sure you hold onto your remote tightly, as there have been reports of controllers slipping from hands or cords snapping and embedding the nun-chuck in your TV screen (or eye). The Wii is also GameCube backwards-compatible but to enable play you must use a GameCube remote. Still, the Wii is the most enjoyable console I have played on in a long time. You can currently buy a Wii for roughly $500; this pack includes the Wii and remote, one Nunchuck, and Wii Sports games. Check out the great games available on the Wii, Zelda, Wario Ware, Rayman and Red Steel. If you have been thinking about getting one and have the cash then go for it, you won’t be disappointed.
The sleek white console measures approximately 44 mm wide, 157 mm tall, and 215 mm deep in its vertical orientation, the equivalent of two-to-three DVD cases stacked on top of each other. Weighing in at 1.2 kg, it’s one of the lightest gaming consoles currently on the market but still has room for 512 megabytes of internal flash memory (with a bay for an SD memory card), two USB 2.0 ports, a slot for Nintendo GameCube memory cards and built-in Wi-Fi capability. It connects wirelessly to the internet through the WiiConnect24 service, delivering updates even when switched off. Users can connect wirelessly using IEEE 802.11b/g, or with a USB 2.0 LAN adaptor. The Wii also can communicate wirelessly with Nintendo DS and up to four Wii remote controllers via Bluetooth. If you enjoy the touch screen on the NDS and the movement of Sony’s Eyetoy, you will love the Wii. The wireless, freehand Wii remote (resembling a television remote) works by placing a sensor
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The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess Available on the Nintendo Wii
SCREEN
FILM AND DVD
REVIEWS
2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY (1968)
SMOKIN’ ACES Dir: Joe Carnahan Ryan Reynolds, Jeremy Piven, Ray Liotta et al.
A whorish abortion of a thriller, Smokin’ Aces is, much like its title, an outdated and embarrassing attempt to get ‘hip’ with all the young people. Evidently Carnahan wanted to ride the success of the ultra-violent Sin City and Kill Bill, but managed to end up with all the blood-soaked capers of a Guy Ritchie film without any of the fun.
HANNIBAL RISING Dir: Peter Webber Gaspard Ulliel, Li Gong, Dominic West, Rhys Ifans
As we fall backwards through the story, yet another adaptation of Thomas Harris’ Hannibal Lecter character lies before us. This time we witness the early childhood of Lecter and how he became the psychopath we all know and love. Director Peter Webber (Girl With a Pearl Earring) casts newcomer Gaspard Ulliel as Hannibal. Ulliel’s talent is not in question, but Hopkins’ Lecter always had a terrifying combination of wisdom, charisma and utter emptiness, a cold stare in his eyes. Ulliel’s simply doesn’t. Ulliel’s Lecter is young and hungers for revenge, but the expected transition into Hopkins’ Lecter as he embraces his inner evil is never quite delivered. Ulliel’s performance on its own is very good, if we were watching yet another serial killer movie. With Silence of the Lambs, Red Dragon and Hannibal, Hopkins, I felt, carried a large portion of those films and the director should have been more aware of how his absence would affect the film as a whole. That said, the cinematics are beautiful and death scenes met all expectations. All in all, Hannibal Rising is worth a watch but if you are a fan of Lecter and Hopkins’ portrayal beware of some unfamiliar ground. SHANE G NORRIS
Somewhere in here there is a basically engaging premise of hitmen and Feds besieging a hotel hiding a Mafioso-turned-informant, and the more plausible quirks of some characters work as descriptors of their humanity: Taraji Henson’s black lesbian sniper for instance really hits her mark (pun not intended). But although three hired killers after a mobster is compelling viewing, eight is just bewildering. Especially when the extra baggage are pointless caricatures that defy all logic to survive (such as a six-foot tall mohawked-and-tattooed neo-Nazi posing successfully as a five-star hotel clerk and an FBI agent), contributing nothing to the story but an extra bloody torso at the end –and sometimes not even that. If you want mindless violence, keep holding out for Grindhouse or 300. Smokin’ Aces is only going to do your head in. ANDREW SCORESBY
THE QUEEN Dir: Stephen Frears Helen Mirren, Michael Sheen, James Cromwell
The Queen takes place in 1997 during Princess Diana’s death and the appointment of Tony Blair as Prime Minister. For as long as she has known, class and politeness has been a way of life; not just for herself and the royal family, but the nation. Elizabeth has always prided herself on England’s strength and class. The Queen has impressed many with its use of actual footage in the fictional narrative. The characterisations are excellent and attention to detail admirable. Helen Mirren captures the dormant emotions that have been suppressed ever since Elizabeth was forced into the position as the monarch of the Commonwealth. For years many of us have wondered what it might be like living in that world, does the Queen Do things that we do from day to day. These questions are answered and look so natural that you don’t question them. Michael Sheen (Underworld) tackles the role of Tony Blair with amazing accuracy, from his tone and timbre to his mannerisms and attitude. Cromwell’s Prince Phillip is true to form as the shorttempered, extremely illogical person that we have seen over the last year or two in his somewhat bigoted speeches. The Queen is a mustsee and was one of my personal favourites for Best Picture for this year… but never mind. SHANE G NORRIS
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CAPTION
COMP “The dangers of GE vegetables” – Myles
“When Hogwarts goes wrong.”- Sara “So that’s what Agent Orange does!”- Bob “Why are you looking at me like that? I ain’t vegetarian…” – Kishan “I told you! ‘Stop saying I look like the f**king singer from Fallout Boy!’ But you wouldn’t listen.” –Myles
Come up with a caption for this photo and be in to win a $10 food and drink voucher from Carrington’s! Email your caption to: inunison@unitec.ac.nz or TXT 021 02272536 Competition closes: Mon 12th March
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THINGS
#140:
NOT
FIFTY CENTS
CATS IS
Toothpaste For Dinner A Comic By Drew
www.toothpastefordinner.com
END ITORIAL
This Issue
Next Issue
Hackneyed: accommodation piss-fights Delicious: triple-cheese wedge pizzas from Domino’s Depressing: shitting out my own pancreas the next morning Extra-Depressing: evidently still eating pizza Most Wanted: more letters and a news editor Not A Goer: beautifulagony.net, check it anyway though Kickin’ Rad: Sola Rosa, chillin’ on a flatbed truck Googlism: %22love+is%22&meta=a phwoar-letter word Clocking Off: 4:07pm, off like a honeymoon nightie
Lucy’s Larder: cheap meats = cheaper eats Home Remedies: ‘cause the chemist’s always closed Bargain Bin Bonanza: our pick of the picked-over Selling Yourself: dynamically market your own bodily products
Signing Off: seriously, this is redundant
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usu. FREE MOVIE NIGHTS EVERY WEEK @ 6.45PM THURSDAYS
22 MARCH - BORAT 29 MARCH - LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE
free movie nights Friends, family and strays welcome At The Hub (Bldg 180) during term see www.usu.co.nz for more details