Actual Teacher/Student Quotes (Lampoon Staff

Actual Quotes…

… said by teachers and students during the 2021-22 school year

“My favorite part of Mass is the ending.” -Mr. Whartenby, 6/22/21, kidding around with his summer World Religions class

“Here’s a crazy thought: it doesn’t matter what you do to get into heaven.” -Mr. Whartenby again, 6/15/21, about how to secure eternal life in heaven “That’s why we should be playing that Squidward Game.” -Mr. Whartenby, 10/20/21, revealing his knowledge of popular culture “You know, JFK was a real player. He would always have girls in the Oval … oh, hello Mr. Burke!” -Mr. Eckerle, explaining JFK’s extracurricular activities in the White

House just as Mr. Burke walked into his classroom “I'm just trying to make sure you don’t get your s**t rocked in college.” -Mrs. Hill, 9/20/21, with some advice for Santino DeRose, after one of

Santino’s jokes during class failed to land

Mr. Heston: Why did you put your hand up? Liam Parsons: It was an accident. Mr. Heston: You were an accident. “Yes Dan, I am drawlin’.” -Mr. Heston’s response to Dan Raksnis’ comment from the bench during a scrimmage that Mr. Heston was drawlin’ for not running a good play “I don’t know what symbol that is … oh, that’s an integral.” -Mike Georges, 11/10/21, with an unfortunate lapse in memory about a calculus concept in Mrs. Carmine’s AP Calculus BC (and which resulted in a very angry Mrs.Carmine) “I’m ready for lunch. I’m feeling like a hungey bungey.” -Mr. Crouse, minutes before the start of the 7/8 lunch period Profe: “Why are you calling me from the dumpster?” Dan Price: “I accidentally threw out my retainers.” -Taken from the transcript of Danny Price’s phone call to Profe, explaining why he was late for class

“Okay, let’s go over Lady Parts!” -Mr. Hallahan, 3/1/22, calling for the sopranos and altos in Singin’ in the

Rain to get ready to start singing “Nathan is a bunch of materials. He is a bag of chemicals worth a dollar fortynine.” -Mr. Fitz, 2/8/22, using Nathan Thomas as a hypothetical example of the monetary value the Church places on someone’s personality “Please stop prank calling the IRS!” -Mr. Bushek, 1/24/22, with a plea to his freshman Robotics class

“Me and George are very close…” - Mr. Eckerle, 2/16/22, about his cat’s habit of watching Mr. Eckerle take a shower

“I don’t want to stalk you. I just want to go to your grad class.” -Matt Gleason, 12/2/21, reassuring Mr. Profy about his good intentions for attending one of Mr. Profy’s night classes for his graduate program “You men like this (drawing the shape of a circle on the white board), us women like this (drawing the shape of a square).” -Mrs. Bruno, on the hereditary traits of sexual attraction in men and women

“These are guaranteed success.” -Mr. Petcaugh after showing computer programming pick-up lines in AP

CSA

"It’s just magic sex." -Dr. Scanlon, on Egyptian sex rituals in his World History class “Can you guys stop doing your Fortnite dances and copy down these notes?” -Mr. Hoban, 2/1/22, Sex and Dating “Alright, no more talk about groundhogs.’” -Mr. Jordan, 1/26/22, trying to redirect a class discussion in AP Lit “You know who invented time travel? John F. Kennedy!” -Matt Gleason’s comment to Jeeth Vijay, 10/5/21, during an AP Lit discussion (that had nothing to do with either John F. Kennedy or time travel)

“Yeah, I stay strapped.” -Matt Gleason, 10/20/21, asserting his Second Amendment right to carry his AP Literature textbook openly around campus “And Jimmy Gallen – the infamous Jimmy Gallen – is having eggs thrown at him!” -David Szczepanski, the Voice of the Firebirds, on the crowd’s response to Jimmy during the Spiritan Cup Egg Walk event “You guys are overcomplicating this so much. Why would you hide in the graveyard? JUST GO TO MASS!” -Ronnie Griepp, 12/8/21, to some fellow seniors who were planning to skip the Mass of the Immaculate Conception “Send me any toilet pictures you have.” -Mr. Jordan, 2/9/22, with instructions for his Lampoon staff “These are guaranteed success.” -Mr. Petcaugh, after his class showed him computer programming pick-up lines in AP Computer Science.

“Don’t apologize. Just be better.” -Mr. Profy with some advice to his AP Calc class after they all failed a pop quiz “Betty White would have turned 100 just five days ago. Oh well … (five seconds later) … I shouldn’t have said that.” -3/10/22, Mr. Profy’s callous remark about the death of Betty White “Don’t add or subtract to the population.” -Mr. Profy’s advice to his seniors before their Senior Prom “Mr. Jordan is my boy.” -Mr. Profy, 3/26/22, expressing confidence that Mr. Jordan would rid the Lampoon of any Mr. Profy-related content that may appear in it “How did you know that was my favorite game? I got it on my phone and it was so addicting I had to delete it. I played it for hours.” -Dr. Pitts, 5/10/22, after being asked for his picture for the Lampoon Thank you to our teachers and classmates for another memorable year of actual quotes! We appreciate all of your thoughtful (and not so thoughtful) remarks!

The Lampoon Staff