Flame Editorial: How to Talk to Girls (Luke Vogt

The Flame

Student Editorial: How to Talk to Girls Who Visit HGP

By Luke Vogt STAFF WRITER Yo boys. We’ve been getting some complaints lately from the big boys upstairs about the way we treat the girls who come on campus after school. Personally, I wasn’t sure why we were seeing any girls on campus to begin with. I guess they show up here to help out with the play. Remember when they sat us all down in the Chapel and talked to us about that? Just to show the big boys upstairs that we do know how to act like gentlemen in front of the girls, let’s go over some rules about how to talk to these girls who are lucky enough to set foot on the grounds of our blessed brotherhood. First step: the HGP mating call. When you see a girl on campus after school, don’t walk silently past like you would any other stranger. Shout our signature howl: “GIRL, GIRL, GIRL..!” The mating call serves two purposes: to get the girl’s attention, and to alert all of the local males that she is yours. The female will then show she is interested by performing her part of the mating ritual: avoiding any eye contact and sprinting for refuge in Founders. Next Step! Run after your new love (victim) at full speed while making intense eye contact. If she seems to be reaching for her cell phone to call for help, you’re doing it right. The only thing left now is to corner her. I recommend a stairwell!

Now that you’ve gotten her undivided attention, you’re ready to start a conversation. First Tip: Girls love to hear guys talk about themselves. Looking for a guaranteed way to make her collapse like a house of cards during a hurricane? Brag about your accomplishments, even (and especially) if you didn’t actually accomplish them. Inform her of your stupendous GPA, your Ivy League admission-worthy SAT score, your workout routine (sometimes you place a picture of your ex on a punching bag when feeling insecure), and extracurricular activity accolades (surely she’ll be impressed when she finds out you’re the president of the HGP League of Legends team). Or tell her about your wonderful relationships with the women in your life. If she asks for examples, tell her about the conversation you had with your mom just last night, when you told her to make you a sandwich. (“No crust, Mom!”) One caveat: under no circumstances should you ask this chick about herself, or otherwise give any impression that you are interested in anything other than her “physicality.” Maybe she says she likes long walks in the starlight. Tell her your legs hurt. She says that her favorite movie is The Godfather? Overrated. I mean, who cares, right? The only thing that matters is that the spotlight of the conversation is put back where it belongs: on you. Once the target of your pursuit has finally gained appreciation of your obvious greatness, it’s time to close the deal. As far as first dates go, choose a location that minimizes the potential for extended conversation. My personal recommendation is a movie at the local theater. Make sure you choose the movie. Don’t worry about any of her ideas about that. She’ll come around. Go with one that will educate her on the struggles of privileged men in a world that wants to take those privileges away. American Psycho is a great option, with its truths about the persecution of Sigmas. Or The Wolf of Wall Street, with its idea that government regulation is just another form of oppression against men. Between the silence of watching a movie in public and speakers loud enough to drown out any interaction, there is no need to worry about getting to know your date. With any luck, she’ll offer to pay for the tickets and the popcorn. A good woman will never agree with the sexist notion that men should always pay. By the middle of the movie, it should be totally fine to go for a first kiss. If you’re feeling bold, put your arm around her shoulder. The fake yawn is a trustworthy technique, as all girls know. If she rejects your moves (extremely unlikely), block her on all platforms and never see her again. Follow these instructions and you will find guaranteed success. For proof, just ask any Firebird. He’ll tell you what everybody knows: that the HGP mating call never fails, that you can handle all the important stuff just fine without any input, and most importantly, that if she doesn’t put out, don’t ask her out. Good luck, Firebirds!