HEALING THROUGH HEARTBREAK By Shyla Caserta Senior Staff Writer
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et’s face it. Growing up sucks. We tend to get comfortable in high school, having little to no responsibilities, and then BOOM! You’re 18 years old, about to enter college, and adulthood essentially. Many students begin to add more onto their plate at this time, and, as we know, life always has its twists and turns. It can be very difficult to juggle life while simultaneously keeping your mind and soul in check. When starting college, I was working a terrible retail job in Orange. This required me to sprint to the Bridgeport Bus terminal after a full day of classes here at HCC, in order to make it to the job I despised on time. Doing this approximately 4-5 days a week drained me physically and emotionally. School and work ate up the majority of my days, and in the free time I did have, all I wanted to do was curl up in my cozy bed and rest. This left little to no time for self care, hobbies or a social life. I also started college, still in a 3-year-long relationship. However just a couple days into my college experience, I was painfully broken up with, and was barely given an explanation as to why. Talk about a fresh start! With that icing on the cake, it made showing up and performing well at both school and work difficult. Ultimately, it made it hard to show up for myself. I remained in that dark place for a long while. I neglected myself, and gave into false negative beliefs about myself. I believed I wasn’t good enough for my partner. I thought to myself, “What’s wrong with me? What am I missing?” I didn’t care about school, work, or my health anymore. I fell into a hole of emotional overeating. When I was feeling low, I felt that I deserved a pick me up, or some form of instant gratification and pleasure. At the time, this vice was Popeyes. I put on some pounds, which added onto my stress and negative self-talk. It came to a point where I felt I had become a stranger to myself. I
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HORIZONS Spring 2022
just wanted to be the fun, positive, me again. At the time I had recently finished reading a great self-help book that propelled me into a self love journey. Reading that book gave me a new positive outlook on life, and although I was still stressed and grieving, I felt ready to take on this new chapter of my life. I started making changes by changing the way I talked to myself. I viewed every word I said and every thought about myself or my life as a spell. With every positive affirmation I was casting a spell of positive change within myself. I would affirm things like “I am strong, I am worthy, I am enough.” And saying these things felt good...for a while. But over time, the feeling behind the words went stale, and I began to feel like a fake. Imposter syndrome had me by the throat, and it seemed that the positive affirmations were no longer working. Eventually that “self-love and positivity” spark died down and I fell back into self loathing. I returned to overeating, and lost all motivation. Life’s everyday tasks felt like an overwhelming escapade. The days started to blur into each other, and I just felt so trapped in my circumstances. I thought, “How can I ever escape this feeling?” I didn’t know this then, but I truly had to love and accept myself as I was if I wanted to change. However, step one to loving yourself is taking good care of yourself. It became my mission to find a way to balance self care along with my stresses in life. First I decided that I was committed to getting better. It truly is a choice you need to make within yourself. Once I decided I was going to get better no matter what, I made a game plan. This game plan included a system of self support and accountability. I held myself accountable and reminded myself of my goals by reading my “why” every single morning. My “why” was a list of why I wanted to make these life changes. How did I want to feel? Why did I want to feel that way? What can I look forward to once I begin to incorporate these changes into my life? Reading your “reasons” every day serves as a source of motivation and a reminder of the direction you are going in.
