Managing difficult conversations

The Art of Volunteer Coordination

Difficult Conversations

Dr. May Chi, Clinical

Psychologist

Made it Clinic and PsychLab

What makes a conversation difficult?

You’re being difficult

No, you’re being difficult.

What makes a conversation difficult?

I feel so nervous about this. They’re going to talk over me.

The right decision seems so obvious.

I’m going to get lash back from this.

I don’t know what to say.

What makes a conversation difficult?

Feelings Predictions Perspectives Consequences

Skill level

Strategies for… Feelings.

1. Name the feeling.

2. Understand the feeling.

3. Notice the impact of the feeling.

4. Consider the helpfulness of the feeling.

5. Acknowledge and self care.

• How do I feel about this conversation?

• If this feeling had a voice, what would it say?

• What do I tend to do when I feel like this?

• Is acting on the feeling in line with what’s important in this conversation?

• Afterwards, what can I do to settle the feeling? Predictions.

1. Notice the thoughts.

2. Understand the origin.

3. Notice the impact of the thought.

4. Consider alternatives.

5. Consider the evidence.

• How do I think this conversation will go?

• Why do I think this?

• How does my prediction impact how I will act?

• What other outcomes are possible?

• What actually happened?

Strategies for… Perspectives.

1. Understand my own perspective.

2. Understand their perspective.

3. Demonstrate understanding.

4. Allow perspectives to exist.

5. Trust in common ground.

• What do I think is right/ valuable/ important/ true?

• What do they think is right/ valuable/ important/ true?

• How do I show them that I understand where they are coming from?

• Am I accepting? Or persuading?

• What is something we both want from this? Consequences.

1. Consider the immediate pros and cons.

2. Consider the long-term pros and cons.

3. Make a plan to mitigate consequences.

4. Practice acceptance for consequences.

5. Reach out for support.

• What are the best and worst things that may happen in the next few days?

• What are the best and worst things in the long term?

• Can I do anything about the bad stuff?

• If I can not do anything about the bad stuff, how can I be kind to myself?

• Who can help me with this?

Clear is kind. Make repairs.

Call out abuse.

Hear feedback.

Make requests.

Know your commitments.

Take a positive perspective.

Turn towards instead of away.

Look after yourself before others.

Work on a culture of appreciation.

Take responsibility for what you can do.

Know what others appreciate from you, do what you can.