FUTURE
January 1, 2009 Adults of drinking age wake up from the previous night’s New Years celebration to find that the streets are a mess and the rum is gone. Children are blamed . . . January 20, 2009 President Obama is sworn into office only to find clear gelatin in all the toilets in the White House and the Oval Office’s chair missing. George W. Bush hung a banner in Obama’s stateroom that said, “Mission Accomplished!” February 3, 2009 “Karma Chameleon” by Boy George becomes the new national anthem. December 21, 2012 A giant meteor is on a crash course to Earth. Steve Jobs invents iProtection. The meteor immediately turns around and hits Pluto, doubling it in size, and legally classifying it as a planet. People rejoice and Apple’s sales increase exponentially. August 30, 2014 Wikipedia becomes a publicly traded company and the only credible source for mankind. The Library of Congress is uploaded to the site three hours before it is burned down. One employee says, “Those books took up too much space anyway.” May 16, 2021 After several years of sales losses to Apple, PC users rise up in retaliation against Mac users with an even sleeker, more futuristic look. Due to their technology being run on Windows Vista, the rebellion is quickly supressed. January 1, 2027 Adults of drinking age wake up from the previous night’s New Year’s celebration to find that the streets are a mess, and the rum is gone. Children are blamed . . . again. April 28, 2034 Explorers find giant, intelligent penguins in Antarctica. The explorers are held captive for 10 years then released in return for a third of Russia’s nuclear arms. The explorers stated upon return, “They were kind of cute.”
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August 30, 2035 At the post service in Leadville, Keith Richards finally dies at the age of 91. His son snorts his ashes, becoming immortal under the condition that he will always be worse at guitar than the other, lesser-known guitarist in his band. September 2, 2035 Keith Richards’ son sneezes and Keith comes back to life. He says, “Hey mate, I wasn’t dead. I was just taking a nap.” January 1, 2038 The Bible is lost after books are discovered to cause leukemia, much to the delight of the major television networks and Google executives whose ratings and traffic almost double. November 17, 2039 It is revealed through DNA research that dinosaurs were the most intelligent and advanced civilization in history. They had schematics for air travel and even the iPhone. The only thing that prevented them from actually building these technologies was their tiny arms. March 13, 2041 A new endless energy source is discovered after finding the Energizer Bunny in Machu Picchu and capturing him. He is then hooked up to a containment facility in Greenland and supplies the world’s energy. September 29, 2042 Children are charged with theft of the world’s rum supply. The children admit to committing the crime. February 11, 2056 Oprah enlists the space pirate army and takes over the world through tactical financial and military moves. The magazine “O” becomes the only publication of mankind.
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February 14, 2056 Space travel becomes the main method of transportation. A fourth of the population decides to become space pirates. Eye patches become fashionable.
November 22, 2067 Conditions on earth are miserable. The children of the earth request an audience with the Supreme Empress Oprah. The children engage Oprah in a high-stakes double-dutch competition. They wager the world’s rum supply against control of the world. The children lose, and Oprah becomes more powerful than ever. January 23, 2068 The Bible, lost since 2038, is found mowed into South America, which has become an overgrown grassland. Harrison Ford, who, like Keith Richards, never died, is enlisted to adventure through the grassland and write down the Bible — all 774746 words of it.
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2069-2081 No recorded history. July 4, 2086 Oprah finishes Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and models her life after Voldemort. On the same day, a child is born in America. They call him the Rum Runner and prophets say that he will defeat Oprah one day. July 5, 2087 The day after the Rum Runner’s birthday, Oprah attempts to kill the infant in his sleep with a spell. Because Oprah is not a witch, the spell does not work and the young child’s parents discover her. The enraged parents defeat Oprah and end her 31-year reign. She is banished to a far away galaxy by the wizard Criss Angel. 2087-2100 The Big Three immortal beings, Harrison Ford, Keith Richards and Steve Jobs, rule the world in peaceful coexistence. On January 1, 2100, all the rum disappears.
Mesa County Valley School District 51 Grand Junction High School 2115 Grand Avenue Grand Junction, CO 81501
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What will happen in the 21st century?
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