30
Feature
Romantic Freedom Exploring Alternatives to the Lesbian Partnership Norm by Samantha Gellar There is a pattern, and we are all familiar with it. It generally involves a U-haul and a second date. I always vowed not to be a U-hauler but my first ex moved in with me 2 months into the relationship. We tapped every major stereotypical lesbian relationship landmark from petty jealousies to infidelity with friends to that break-up that seemed to leave a destructive wake larger than that of Hiroshima. It’s a pattern ladies, a veritable cycle: Meet at a bar, move in rapidly, suffer Lesbian Bed Death (LBD), have explosive break-up, sit single and mopey for several months/years/eons. Rinse, wash, repeat. However, the stereotypical romance isn’t trapping all lesbians these days. The progressive group that we are, certain of our sisterhood, have tossed aside the chains of simple womanwoman relationship monogamy, and found alternative methods to romance. THREE’S [GOOD] COMPANY: The North American Lesbian Threesome Observe the North American Lesbian, see how it creates its nest. Carefully the kitchen is stocked with organic and gluten-free products. Notice the bedroom, how it is adorned with lesbiancentric photography, centered about a sensible wooden bed from Ikea. Ah, what a treat, the pair is mating. However, if one glimpses to the other room,
one can see how the ‘third’ is watching over the children of the house, preventing them from coitus interruptus, also known as annoyingus kiddus. Without the three-lesbian living situation, one might see a more rapid advance of LBD and possible infanticide from frustrates extremus. What this textbook example shows us is that there are definite benefits to having a third person about. Threesomes are more common these days than one would think. In fact, I grew up knowing Linda, Curt and Charlie. No one ever called them by separate names, they all visited or none of them did, and they all lived in the same house, each with their own room. If nothing else, LGBT society has proven if the straights can do it, so can we! (Except for heterosexual sex…that’s kinda icky for us.)
FEBRUARY 2010
Director Karen Everett exposed a modern polyamorous lesbian threesome to the world within her documentary film “Women In Love”. In this piece, she turned the camera inward, showing her own life with the two women she loves. Karen’s film displayed her family operating, and there was no jealousy, no backbiting, and best of all, no LBD. What became easily apparent was the ‘sharing’ inherent in the relationship. Whether it was chores, sex or alone time, each partner consistently tuned into the needs of the other two, something many of us have all too often wished for our singular partner to hone in on. Plus, there is always the practical side of things. As Danielle Olson, a woman who searches for couples to court, noted, “Considering women only make 75
thelavenderlens.com
Feature
31 cents to the dollar compared to men, it only makes sense for women who choose to live without men to combine resources in a set of three instead of the traditional partnership of two people.” It’s always nice to have another woman around to take out the garbage or do the dishes as well, and when it comes to raising children, another adult is always welcome. My mother always used to say, “I knew we’d lost when they outnumbered us.” Well, with three mommies, I think everybody wins. How does one push away the jealousy and backstabbing that seems to well within our estrogen-infused systems though? How do we not kill one another when our cycles line up? How does the house avoid hitting deep depression when the family football/basketball/hockey team hits a losing streak? “There is no room for distrust and insecurity,” states threesome proponent Kim Doringer, “But rules and guidelines need to be discussed first, and agreed upon by all three. I recommend keeping a written copy of the rules because time blurs the memory and that could lead to feelings of betrayal.” Most multiple partner relationships require rules, and perhaps even basic couplings would work better with a drafted Bill of Rights. I remember being struck by how odd it was, upon visiting college buddies of mine that had coupled up, when I no-
Romantic Freedom ticed a framed copy of rules for the couple. One of my friends remarked that it was “there as a reminder...to keep us on our game.” A year or so later as my ex and I were tearing each other apart, I thought back to that framed document and wished I had one myself. AND DANNY MAKES THREE… The Duck-duck-goose of the lesbian alternative sex world is the femalefemale-male relationship. Women who love women who love women and men are making a go of it. Tripling up into a relationship where women get together and the (often) wife and hubby have their own thing seems to be working for modern individuals. Hit craigslist on any day and you’ll see dozens of ads seeking a threesome, a wife and hubby looking for that ‘third’. What’s changing from the threesomes of the past is that a good third is often kept as part of the relationship, incorporated into the dynamic. Also, more often than not, we’re seeing bisexual women making it clear to the man that they want a female as well, often one that isn’t shared. So while hubby is fixing the drainpipes or dessert, the ladies may be off playing. Brianna Johnson has consistently sought out couples to join: “When I was in the Navy, I realized I was attracted to men and women. I’d say I had sex with an equal number of partners, of each gender. Girls have something completely different to offer than boys do. I’ve never turned back. For the past 6 years, I’ve dated a string of people, and I have come to realize that I prefer being intimate with a woman. I also want security, an education, and companionship. My ideal setup would probably be with a [straight] couple, and if the attraction is not there [for the guy], I’d be happy with a sexual relationship, just with the woman.” Whether you’re going for the swirl or the straight vanilla, sharing rules apply the same way, and the benefits
thelavenderlens.com
abound. Especially when adding the upper class working male to the mix, leading to financial security and stability that unfortunately still has a glass ceiling for those of us who like it straight up female.
POLLY WANTS A WHAT? POLYAMOROUS LOVING IN MODERN AMERICA After threesome comes polyamory, since a foursome is generally a mistake made with tequila and a group of close soon-to-be-ex-friends and a fivesome isn’t actually a word. Polyamorous is the umbrella term under which all the flavors are allowed to mix and match regardless of commitment level and nature of relationship. People get tired of trying to define their kind of love and for them, the polyamorous community welcomes them. Celeste West, author of Lesbian Polyfidelity takes a more scientific look at the fluidity of sex and the flaws of monogamy. As she notes: “Monogamy dictates that sexual ownership is good. Therefore, monogamy actively foments a jealous aversion [to] the sexual sharing to which we are literally so prone.” She actually points out that it is in our very being, likely our genetics, that we prefer multiple sexual partners. Historically, she’s finding the proof in the pudding: “Anthropologists have exhaustively documented that entire recent cultures, from Polynesia to the frozen FEBRUARY 2010
32
Feature continued... tundra, simply neither exhibit nor act on sexual jealousy. Prehistoric, premonogamous extended families of the Neolithic era and before, as we have shown, had few jealousy triggers. That one human being could – or would want to – own another human body for sexual expression is the baleful tenet of an androcentric five-thousand-year history of humanity’s five million. Externally ownable genitalia is a concept as newly ideological as that of ‘landlording’ a piece of the Earth’s body.” Oh yes she did. Scientific support that we’re meant to sleep around, right there. After all, the Homo Sapiens aren’t swans…we generally don’t mate for life. Polyamorous relationships, or polyfidelity, have a lot of different potentials. They can be as grand as a community of 20 or more women sharing relationships (both sexual and personal) with one another, or as simple as a womanwoman open relationship that allows
a bit of ‘spice’ to hop in the bed when things get bland. Sometimes polyfidelity means allowing yourself to drop the guilt (mine is of the Jewish variety, but I’ve heard the Catholic strain is pretty virulent and painful as well) and just have some fun. As Doringer points out: “I’d been single for a couple years resigned myself to the pitiful existence of being at home, broke, and sexless. One day I woke up and decided, enough of the sulking! I pulled out my black book and called on my old friends with benefits, then revived some old dates and it’s been great since! I hardly ever have food and drinks to entertain, let alone a budget for actual dates, but sex presents itself again, magically and abound.” BANGING ON A BUDGET Bring your tired, poor and hungry. They can remain so, but don’t sex-starve
FEBRUARY 2010
them! A lot of people wonder about multiple girlfriends. One can be pricey enough, especially those high-maintenance luxury models. How can one afford more than two on a modest budget? West points out an economic fact: “Polyfidelity is not built around consumer fetishes at all. As a form of radical intimacy, poly focuses on the great commonwealth of love, rather than love as commodity, one to be competed for in an economy of scarcity. It is, of course, logical that our consumerist culture usually treats love precisely as a commodity.” She takes those commitments a bit more lightly when she adds, “Deep commitment to two lovers may be the max unless you’re unemployed. Heed the Law of Raspberry Jam: ‘The thinner you spread it, the milder the tart.’” It’s not about economy of wallet, but that of the heart. Don’t worry about the diamond stud earrings, worry about
thelavenderlens.com
Feature
33
Romantic Freedom continued... being a stud to your three or more gals. After all, they generally don’t enjoy being called ‘My Gal Friday’ if there’s also a ‘My Gal Saturday’ and a ‘My Gal Thursday’. So toss the champagne and the hotel room, instead click on some good music and crack the aluminum seal on that 2009 Boone’s Farm (or be really classy and nab the Two Buck Chuck from Trader Joe’s). Just as long as both of you (or the whole lot) are satisfied carnally, no one will be complaining about the lack of canapés. Oh, and tips for the group sex nights: always go with the traditional potluck! THANKS, BUT NO THANKS For those who just don’t get their jollies fumbling about the sheets, there’s romantic asexualism. Asexuals simply don’t care for the genital to genital contact. In fact, many just aren’t that interested in any of the parts of sexual interaction. AVEN, an online chatboard for asexuals, provides a place for those who abstain to discuss their preference and the constantly evolving definition of asexuality. Asexy A-postle notes, “I measure my feelings for other people in hugging. With friends (where the relationship is platonic) I can give them a hug to say hello, it feels nice, it shows I love them and we go from there. I know that when I hug someone I have romantic feelings for, I don’t want to let go just yet. Those hugs can go on for ages and the best feeling in the world for me is when they don’t let go either.” So how can someone who doesn’t have sex be lesbian, you may ask? Well, Barbie was definitely a queer in my playroom despite her obvious lack of the necessary parts for sex. She was lesbian as Portia DeRossi ‘cause she was always holding hands with the lathelavenderlens.com
dies, pining over her cute gal pals, and kissing in the elevator of the Dream Mansion with dolls of the Non-Ken variety. Asexy Authoritay! states: “Part of the problem is that English doesn’t really have the correct words to describe gender-based, non-sexual attraction. I say ‘gender’ instead of sex because I have noticed that asexual attraction can sometimes be based more on a person’s gender, i.e. their inner identity and related behavior rather than on their physical sex.” VEGAS, BAYBEE!—SWINGING IN TODAY’S WORLD So you’ve got a gal you like, you love, but just can’t seem to get into the sexy mood? Swinging has been a cure for Bed Death of all forms since the 60’s and 70’s. From Key Parties to LoveIn’s, people have been mixing it up to keep it alive for ages. Things, fortunately, haven’t changed.
MORAL TO THE STORY? UMMM…. Our society has finally let up on the freakish manacles it’s kept on sexuality. The madness of the 60’s has tamed and now the options are out there, like apple choices at the grocery, you’ve got far too many. Your bed isn’t fated to the same-old same-old if you don’t want it to be, so get out there, have some fun and enjoy yourself! In short, break that pattern and never eat another gallon of ice cream straight through with a spoon because your gal left with her crap in the U-Haul. Or as Nicole, a polyamorous gal, said to me, “I say, take off that culturally imposed straight jacket and live it up, regardless of the consequences.”
LesbianMatchMaker.com is just one of a number of swinger services. As their inviting webpage states: “Lesbian swingers essentially represent a group of women that freely take part in promiscuous sex; it is basically having a number of sexual contacts in the same room at the same time… now there’s a way of fulfilling all your fantasies!” The site offers a searchable database linking you into parties, casual dating, and swinging encounters. In short, a rompy kind of fun. FEBRUARY 2010