THE
BEST YEARS
Bone Builders
S U P P L E M E N T T O T H E G R A N D F O R K S H E R A L D S U N D A Y, N O V E M B E R 7 , 2 0 1 0
By Ann Bailey
Herald Staff Writer
CROOKSTON – Nearly 500 seniors in communities across northwest Minnesota are exercising twice weekly to build stronger bones. The Bone Builders exercise program, sponsored by the Crookston-based RSVP of the Red River Valley, was first implemented in 2006 in Crookston. Two years later, RSVP received a Bremer grant of $23,000 to start programs in the cities of Kittson, Roseau, Pennington, Marshall, Red Lake and Norman counties, in addition to Polk. “Now we have 26 classes in the seven-county area,” said Jan Aamoth, program coordinator. “The predom-
inant ages of our classes is 70 to 95,” she said. However, people as young as 60 participate in the classes, she noted. A total of 475 people attend the classes that are so popular that sometimes two sessions are held twice weekly in some of the towns. The classes are held in a variety of places, including community centers and churches. Each location has the equipment needed for the classes, which typically are made up of 15 to 20 people. The classes are ongoing, but it’s not difficult to learn the program, Aamoth said. Once people get approval to participate from their doctors, they can come to a class and volun-
Exercise program helps prevent osteoporosis, improves balance and has other benefits
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teers will show them how to use the equipment. “It doesn’t take long and you’re right in the flow.”
Benefits
Brighter Side of Sixty ■
2010
Submitted photo
Deanna Patnaude is RSVP program director and Jan Aamoth is program coordinator.
The exercise program helps prevent osteoporosis, improves balance and has other benefits, including enhancing energy and well-being, Aamoth said. “There are more benefits than we ever expected,” she said. The program, which is made up of four parts, is lead by volunteers who have been trained by Aamoth and other RSVP workers. The Bone Builders program is comprised of a warm-up that includes stretching and flexibility, balancing,
weight lifting and cooling down and stretching. Meanwhile, Bone Builder Exercise Program participants also receive information on topics such as bone health, nutrition and osteoporosis, Aamoth said. “It’s so phenomenal. We’re seeing so many positives, not only for bone health, but health in general,” said Deanna Patnaude RSVP program director in Crookston. In North Dakota, the RSVP+ program is offering Bone Builders two classes at the Grand Forks Senior Center. The RSVP+ plans to expand the program across North Dakota, said Kurtis Shelton, RSVP+ project coordinator.
Grand Forks Senior Center is dedicated to helping senior live healthy, independent lives
By Ann Bailey
Herald Staff Writer
From making meals to holding exercise classes to providing foot care, the Grand Forks Senior Center is striving to help area Schumacher seniors remain living at home. “Our whole mission, everything we do at the senior center, resolves around helping seniors live healthier and independent lives,” said Jami Schumacher Grand Forks Senior Center public relations and internal development coordinator. “I think what we’re seeing is seniors who want to age in their space,” Schumacher said.
Submitted photo
Evelyn Lanes and Heidi Nordin, GFSC Resources Coordinator, look over brochures while they discuss the various programs offered through the Grand Forks Senior Center.
Looking forward
Several months ago the center adapted a “Brighter Side of Sixty” logo that reflects its aim to provide services to help seniors live independently, she said. Instead of only offering seniors a place to play cards and bingo, the Grand Forks Senior Center, has a wide variety of educational programs, resources and nutrition programs, she said. “We feel we’re not your traditional senior program.”
Programs the center offers include serving meals, delivering meals, both fresh and frozen, and doing blood pressure checks, foot care and medication set-up for people. On weekdays meals are served at noon at the senior center and four other locations in Grand Forks. There also is
a Tuesday evening meal at all five locations. This month the Grand Forks Senior Center also began serving breakfasts from 8:30 to 9:30 Monday through Friday.
Programs, services
When it comes to health,
foot care is an important service that the senior center provides. The center has two registered nurses who do the foot care, which include nail trimming, a foot assessment and foot massage. Often, younger seniors initially come in for foot care and then find out about the other programs the center offers, Schumacher noted. The center’s educational programs also are popular with seniors. On Mondays from 1 to 2 p.m. the center hosts Mind-Full Mondays, which address topics including gardening, identity theft and new technology. There also are Mind-Full Monday sessions on health topics and last month political candidates talked about campaign issues focusing on seniors. Another service the senior center offers are bus trips to places across the United States. For example, about 30 seniors recently participated in a bus trip to Boston that the center organized, Schumacher said. The Grand Forks Senior Center also offers opportunities for people who want to do volunteer work. The same seniors who come to the center are some of its most helpful volunteers, Schumacher said. “We wouldn’t be able to do the things we do without volunteers. The meals are all delivered by volunteers,” she said.
Paper and online Social Security Statement are both useful
By Howard Kossover
Because the SSA website, www.socialsecurity.gov, has an online retirement estimator, a reader asked, of what use is the paper Social Security Statement? Both are useful. The paper Social Security Statement is mailed automatically to most people about three months before their birth month if at least age 25 and not receiving Social Security or on Medicare. Valuable for all family financial planning, not just retirement, the statement provides estimated family benefits plus disability and survivor estimates. The statement also shows important information about your personal Social Security record that is not available online.
Information
This information is a year-by-year record of your reported earnings from Social Security records plus
Howard Kossover. your name and birth date. To protect your security this personal data does not appear with the online benefit estimator. Review this for accuracy and contact your local SSA office if a problem exists. Your work record is the basis for all benefits paid through your Social Security number. Mistakes could keep you or family members from getting all benefits earned. The sooner you identify mistakes, the easier it is correct them. The mailed statement
also explains your protection earned under Social Security. People often incorrectly think of Social Security only as a retirement program. To complement the estimates, the statement shows how even young workers are building valuable protection for themselves and their families in case they become disabled or die before they reach retirement age. Studies show that a 20year-old worker has a three in 10 chance of becoming disabled before reaching retirement age. The statement is an important tool as part of your financial planning.
Options
The Social Security online Retirement Estimator, one of several tools in the SSA Plan Your Retirement section at www.ssa.gov/retire2/, provides estimates like the statement with the advantage that you can instantly obtain multiple estimates.
You can explore various retirement options online by varying your retirement age and annual earnings up to retirement. This lets you immediately compare, for example, the estimated dollar difference between an age 55 early retirement with no additional earnings to that of continuing work until an age 64 retirement. The online Retirement Estimator is secure. Only estimated amounts are shown to protect your privacy, not your name, birth date or earnings information. This security is especially important when using a shared printer or public terminal.
Contacts
More about the Social Security Statement and Retirement Estimator, plus online applications and other SSA information, is online at www.socialsecurity.gov. For information, to KOSSOVER: See Page 2
Ann Bailey, photo
Marvella Epema keeps busy volunteering and keeping books for organizations.
Sharing, caring senior, Marvella Epema, donates time as volunteer By Ann Bailey
Herald Staff Writer
CROOKSTON – Whether it involves cooking a meal, visiting someone in the nursing home or keeping the books for her church group. Marvella Epema is eager to volunteer her help. Epema, Crookston, began volunteer work 10 years after she retired from her job as a bookkeeper. “I didn’t have time before,” she said. But during the past decade she’s gotten involved in many of the volunteer opportunities that the Golden Link Senior Center in Crookston offers. “Down here at the senior center, she has her fingers in everything,” said Patty Dillabough, Golden Link Senior Center director. “Every time someone says we need to do something, Marvella’s name comes up. She never says ‘no.’ It doesn’t matter what someone asks her to do, she’s the first one there.”
For example, Epema serves on the center’s entertainment committee and the Experienced American committee and answers center phones.
Hands-on volunteer work
Her work with the entertainment committee includes making and serving meals for senior center events and planning field trips to places such as Trinity Point near Mentor, Minn., and Rydell National Wildlife Refuge near Crookston. At a recent outing, Epema grilled brats and served potato salad. “She makes the best potato salad in town,” Dillabough said. Epema, 75, especially enjoys volunteer work in which she can be doing some kind of task, such as cooking a meal for someone, Epema said. “I have a granddaughter who’s following in my footsteps. At
EPEMA: See Page 2
Seniors prove that wisdom of the ages comes with age
2 Grand Forks Herald/Sunday, November 7, 2010
By Anita Creamer
McClatchy Newspapers
SACRAMENTO, Calif. – At the Almond Avenue Residence Club, an assisted living center in Orangevale, Calif., a dozen chatty older people meet for coffee every morning to debate how they’d answer questions printed in newspaper advice columns. After an hour of gentle exercise and a singalong of perennials such as “Zip-aDee-Doo-Dah” – giving rise to the strong hope that seniors of the future will request the Stones or Jay-Z with their morning stretches, or at least “Twist and Shout” – it’s wisdom time. Activity director Lauren Guarducci reads to the group, and they listen carefully. Today’s Carolyn Hax advice column question deals with a bride, a cheating groom and a friend who figures out the situation. Should she tell? What would these seniors do? “I wouldn’t tell, because it would ruin their relationship,” said 83-year-old Eunice Conley, a retired federal worker. “The bride might know already. Women know. Women know when their men are playing around.” Nods here and there around the cozy dining room, a quick consensus. One possible definition of wisdom, after all, is that to lead a decent life, people merely need to consider how those appalling “Real
EPEMA/
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Christmastime we make Christmas goodies.” Besides her volunteer work at the Golden Link Senior Center, Epema also volunteers for Lutheran Social Services and serves on, and chairs, several committees at the Golden Link Senior Center and at her church. Meanwhile, she volunteers to go to nursing homes and play bingo with residents and, on Friday nights, she helps with bingo at the VFW Club in Crookston. Epema’s volunteer work makes for a busy schedule and that’s the way she likes it. “It gives you a good feeling that you’ve done something, helped someone who isn’t able to do things anymore,” she said.
McClatchy Tribune
Lauren Guarducci, left, reads the Dear Abby column to seniors at the Almond Avenue Residence Club in Orangevale, Calif. The group gets together after breakfast to discuss the gossip columns and other parts of the newspaper. From left, are, Guarducci, Gladys Morris, Edna Jenson, Dorothy Luce, Dorothy Surritt and Eva Birum. Housewives” women would react to any situation, and then do the opposite.
No cliché
Now a new University of California, San Diego, study confirms that the elderly really are wiser than younger people. In part, that’s because older brains produce less dopamine, so seniors are
KOSSOVER/
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less impulsive and emotional. Their brains have slowed down: Unlike their children and grandchildren, they’re more likely to think things through. They’re better problem solvers. In short, they have wisdom. This would not be news at the Almond Avenue Residence Club, whose administrator, Brenda Holcomb, said, “These people give www.socialsecurity.gov. Kossover is the Social Security public affairs specialist for North Dakota and western Minnesota. Based in Grand Forks, he works with organizations, government agencies and businesses on all SSA topics including SSA business services online and teaching pre-retirement seminars. Information: howard.kossover@ssa.gov.
great advice.” It’s also not news to Davis resident Sandy Hol-
man, 47, author of the upcoming self- published book “Honor Your Elders,” which encourages young people to learn from older generations. “I don’t think the wisdom of the elders is a cliché at all,” said Holman, an educational consultant who directs the Culture Coop. “It’s a dying tradition. A lot of us unfortunately are not practicing the tradition of honoring our elders’ wisdom. We’re busy. We’re swamped. “But we also don’t make it a priority. There’s a lot of things we could learn and don’t because we don’t make a point of honoring their wisdom.” Her grandfather Rufus Holman, who died at 89 in 1997, possessed what she calls “simple country wisdom,” an assortment of advice that in many ways boils down to the Golden Rule. Older people know what the Golden Rule is, too. “The simple things stick with me,” said Holman. “I’ll hear his voice in my head. I’m so thankful for the gift of him. WISDOM: See Page 3
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Social media users 50 and older are fastest-growing Web demographic
By Mark W. Smith
Detroit Free Press
Awash in jargon – “wall,” “news feed,” “tags,” “defriend” – social media can be intimidating for baby boomers and seniors who have spent most of their lives comfortably in an analog world. But that isn’t stopping them from signing up for sites like Facebook in droves. Social media users 50 and older are now the fastest-growing demographic among Internet users, a recent Pew study showed. In the last year, social networking among 50-plus Internet users nearly doubled – from 25 percent to 47 percent, according to the Pew study. That’s compared with an increase of 10 percentage points among Internet users 18-29 years old, whose membership level is now at 86 percent. Just last week, a group gathered at a computer lab in Troy designed to teach the ins and outs of computing and the Web. The Troy (Mich.) Senior Computer Learning Center has seen increased demand this year as digital holdouts face pressure from family and friends to make the leap, curriculum director Bob Treharne said. “If they want to know what’s going on in their grandkids’ lives, they have to text or log on to Facebook,” he said. The top concern among the Troy group, however, was no different than the chief, well-weathered complaint about Facebook: privacy. Privacy concerns, paired with Facebook’s affinity for redesigning the site and changing its policies on what information of yours it shares, have created an air of trepidation. Nancy March, 80, of Troy chose to display an incor-
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Grand Fork Herald/Sunday, November 7, 2010
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“He used to say, ‘Life is what you make it.’ It’s simple, but as I live, I realize how deep that is.”
More resilient
Recent neurological research shows that people 55 and older quickly bounce back from negative moods, but younger people tend to dwell on depression and anger. Maybe it’s brain chemistry, or maybe it’s because their grandfathers never told them that life is what they make it. At the Almond Avenue Residence Center, this group of seniors – hailing from different walks of life and various parts of the country – understands the value of resilience and the importance of discretion. Guarducci, 43, the activity director, admits she’d probably blab the bad news to the bride whose groom had strayed. But older heads are cooler heads. “I think it’s too late to tell,” said Dorothy Surritt,
3
84, a retired secretary. “If you tell a new bride, you ruin something. I say, shut up.” “I’m not sure what I’d do,” said Gladys Morris, 100, a retired bookkeeper. “But we have to think before we speak.” See? The simplest wisdom – so straightforward it almost sounds cliched – is often the best. And so a few last words of wisdom from Almond Avenue. “As you get older, you learn not to give advice,” said Conley. “You learn to listen instead.” What is wisdom? ■ Uniquely human. ■ A form of advanced cognitive and emotional development that is experience-driven. ■ A personal quality, albeit rare. ■ It can be learned, increases with age and can be measured. ■ Probably not enhanced by taking medication. Source: Sam and Rose Stein Institute for Research on Aging at the University of California, San Diego
왖Sally Stevens, 63, left, and Nancy March, 80, both of Troy, Mich., work during a class teaching the basics of social media to seniors at the Troy Civic Center rect birthday and not identify two of her sons on her newly created Facebook profile. “I don’t want my kids being bothered with my busybody friends,” March said. Some also express concerns over infringing on their children’s personal lives. For some, friending their child or grandchild is akin to snooping. “I’ll be crushed if I ask to get on my son’s and he says, ‘No, Mom, I don’t want you to find out all this information,’” joked Sally Stevens, 63, of Troy, who has not joined Facebook but is considering it. Privacy controls do allow users to decide which groups of friends see what information. Kids can choose to have certain updates kept from their parents and vice versa.
Stevens’ son has actually urged her to use Facebook, saying it would free him from relaying so much daily information to her.
An increasingly gray Facebook can be tied closely to seniors’ desire to keep in touch with those
SOCIAL: See Page 4
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Accentuating the positive
In this file photograph, biological sisters including Pauline Gehrs, 85, from left, Esther Gehrs, 90, Ruth Flett, 86, and Marge Thurman, 94, get together to watch a Chicago Cubs game like they did as young girls from Chicago. A growing body of research finds that far from being a dark time, older age is a vibrant period emotionally for many people, a time of turning away from fears and frustrations and attending to what makes life meaningful, such as satisfying hobbies and friends.
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As we grow older, changing priorities can have a surprising effect on emotional health
By Judith Graham
Chicago Tribune
Peace. Contentment. Happiness. This wasn’t what Allan Schwartz expected he would find in his late 60s, as he left middle age behind. Like many people, he expected the transition into older age to be difficult; instead it has been liberating, emotionally. “I’ve noticed a distinct change from when I was younger,” said Schwartz, 68, who resides in Port Charlotte, Fla., and Boulder, Colo. with his wife of 42 years. “Then, I was quicker to anger, more defensive, much more anxious. Now, I have a greater sense of inner peace. I don’t feel the need to prove anything to anyone.” A growing body of research finds that far from being a dark time, older age is a vibrant period emotionally for many people, a time of turning away from fears and frustrations and attending to what makes life meaningful, such as satisfying hobbies and friends. Laura Carstensen, director of Stanford University’s Center on Longevity, has spent most of her career studying this so-called paradox of aging: the counterintuitive finding that older people often report feeling happier – more stable, better adapted – even as their cognitive faculties and physical health decline. Her explanation for the phenomenon is “socioemotional selectivity theory.” As we age and realize that the time left to us is limited, our priorities change, Carstensen postulates. Instead of focusing on expanding our horizons and taking on challenges – adaptive tasks for younger adults – we focus on “what matters most right now: people who are close, places or endeavors that mean a lot to us,” she says. That is the unexpected “silver lining of aging,” she says. “When you live in the
now, that’s good for your mental health and your emotional well-being. You see more clearly what’s important and invest in what’s important.” And what is important, in the end, are experiences rich with positive emotion.
Studies
Several studies support the theory, providing evidence that healthy older adults respond differently to negative stimuli than younger adults. (Of course, ill health or the loss of a spouse or cherished friends can throw people into an emotional tailspin that may color their later years.) A 2003 report by Carstensen and colleagues in Psychological Science found that seniors paid less attention to photos of people’s faces when expressions were angry or sad. Similarly, in a 2007 study in Aging & Mental Health, older adults reported being unhappy less often in diaries than younger people. In new research, Bob Knight, associate dean of the Davis School of Gerontology at the University of Southern California, has discovered that the perception of time is key to this so-called “positivity effect.” When seniors were asked to imagine having a much longer time to live, “they acted more like young adults and saw more negative emotions in the faces” shown, he says, describing as-yet unpublished results. Other studies suggest that older adults have better coping skills because of their life experience. “What we think is that people learn over time that tuning out, avoiding problems, and daydreaming don’t work so they quit doing it,” Knight said. Changes in the structure of the brain may also contribute to suppressing negativity and improving emotional regulation, other researchers propose.
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As a young man, Schwartz said he felt it was his fault when bad things happened. By contrast, he has learned with experience, “It’s not about me, it’s life. Lousy things happen to everybody. “It’s not pie in the sky: You still get thrown curveballs. It’s just, I don’t dwell on things the way I used to. I’m better able to move on,” Schwartz says. What are the practical implications of this line of research? Joseph Mikels, an assistant professor of psychology at Cornell University and DePaul University, has discovered that older adults rely more heavily on gut emotional responses in making decisions than on reasoned, detailed analysis. It makes sense, given seniors’ intact emotional capacities and diminished cognitive capacities, Mikels notes. In a report published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology earlier this year, Mikels demonstrated that young adults were adept at making healthcare choices using either analysis or intuition but older adults faltered when making decisions based on reasoning alone. Mikels’ conclusion? “Structuring decisions that require older people to review a lot of details and pay a lot of attention to fine print doesn’t appear optimal,” he says. “Older people are more inclined to go with their hearts than with their heads, and paying attention to that counts.”
Aging with empathy
Older people may prefer to seek out positive experiences and situations. But when they find themselves in difficult situations, they experience sadness even more acutely than people in their 20s, according to a new report published in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience. Robert Levenson, a pro-
fessor of psychology at the University of CaliforniaBerkeley, asked 20-somethings, people in their 40s, and people in their 60s to watch clips of films that were sad, disgusting or neutral. Participants were hooked up to monitors that tracked their physiological responses. Older people were more deeply affected by the sad film clips. “There’s no evidence that as you age things that are sad just don’t get to you anymore,” Levenson says. “If anything they get to you even more.” That’s a healthy response insofar as it motivates older people to reach out to others for comfort and with compassion, strengthening social ties. Levenson says. “Sadness is not the enemy of well-being,” he notes. “Feeling these emotions with all their richness and subtlety is part of the meaning of life.”
who have moved almost all their communications online. People who are not on sites like Facebook can feel excluded from the sharing of family news and photos. “I think I am missing out on a lot of old friends,” Stevens, the holdout, said. “I’m not from Michigan, and to stay in touch with family or friends or college friends, they’re all over the United States, so this is a nice way to stay in touch, I’m sure.” For Katherine Dallas Hammond, 55, of Troy, who co-taught the social media class, Facebook has been a way to reconnect with her girlfriends from high school, making them “feel like we were still standing by our lockers.” “Immediately, you go back to that time and your relationship is immediately rekindled,” Hammond said. But at the Troy computing class, one woman who had heard that Facebook would share all one’s information was reluctant to learn more. “I don’t want to ever use Facebook,” said the woman, who declined to be identified, as she left class during a break. “I don’t want to spend hours on that. I volunteer. I want to do other things.” For March, though, learning Facebook is a way to keep her mind sharp. “It’s important as seniors that we keep our mind busy,” March said. “Some
people like to play bridge. I do my crossword puzzles.” And, now, she has Facebook.
How to stay safe online
The following are tips from Henry Lau, 29, of Sterling Heights, Mich. Don’t post your full birth date: While social networks like Facebook often ask you to fill this in, it can be a valuable piece of information, much like your Social Security number, to unlock more about you. Lau recommends leaving off your birth year. Don’t click on e-mailed links: E-mail scams will often purport to be from your bank or credit card company. The links will actually take you somewhere else. It’s best to go to your Web browser and navigate to the bank’s site manually. Use strong passwords: Strong passwords include letters, numbers and capitalization diversity. It’s also best to leave out obvious things like the name of a pet or child. If you don’t feel comfortable, don’t do it: Much like real life, there are dark alleys on the Web, Lau says. It’s always best to follow your gut if you don’t feel comfortable clicking on a link or going to a Web site. Always log out: Especially when using a public computer in the library or lab, it’s important to log out of Facebook after each session. Just closing the browser will not always accomplish the same thing.
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Making the move to independent retirement living
Metro Creative
When 72-year-old Army veteran Ted Eickhoff was at his local VA hospital for an appointment recently, he struck up a conversation with another patient about selling his home and downsizing. As luck would have it, Eickhoff’s fellow patient lived in a local independent retirement community owned by Holiday Retirement, and raved about the benefits. Eickhoff was sold. “I couldn’t believe how much you get for the money,” said Eickhoff. “It is so nice to have everything taken care of with just one monthly payment. It covers everything I need, including amazing meals. And if you need another snack, the chefs just make it for you!” Eickhoff, a retired Command Sergeant Major, is part of a growing number of seniors who are planning for an independent living future. In fact, a recent AARP poll found that nearly 60 percent of Boomers say they are concerned about living independently, and more than 50 percent say they have begun to think about how they would pay for independent living assistance as they get older.
Crunching the numbers
Mereen Klein, 86, started looking at the costs of keeping her own apartment versus independent living when her eyesight declined. Klein needed assistance with transportation and didn’t want to keep bugging her son to drive her around, so she decided to move to an independent retirement living community that met her needs. “It was right for me with my fixed income, and the money covers everything,” said Klein. “I don’t pay for TV, or to have my room cleaned. I couldn’t believe what I got for the money – it was really something.” To determine what makes financial sense, seniors need to add up the true costs of managing a home versus being part of a retirement community. “Even if you no longer have a mortgage payment, you still have fluctuating monthly expenses including utilities, taxes, phone, cable and food that can add up significantly,” said Stan Brown, COO of Holiday Retirement. “For many seniors, switching to a community that includes one manageable, monthly flat fee gives them the ability to plan out the next 15 to 20 years and know exactly what they can expect to spend and what they can afford.” For Klein, it not only made financial sense, it also gave her back some of her freedom. “I can take the community bus down to the bank or out to dinner. I can even go to the doctor and my appointments without bugging anyone for a ride,” said Klein. “I have more independence now than when I lived alone.”
tions seniors to ask as many questions as possible prior to moving in, to uncover any buy-in fees, to determine if a long-term lease is required and to see if the “feel” of the community is right. “It doesn’t make financial sense to make the move if you aren’t comfortable in the new community and will want to move out within a few months,” said Brown. “It needs to not only be affordable, but a great place to live as well.” Seventy three-year-old Julianne (Judy) Kayatt knows this all too well. She sold her home and moved into a community that didn’t offer much for her money and wasn’t as caring as she’d hoped. After only a few months, she started her search again and was fortunate to find that a Holiday Retirement community was a perfect fit for her. “My family likes that I am happy here, and I like that I can still be independent and live here,” said Kayatt. “I am free to go where I want; I am enjoying activities and events and I’m surrounded by friends. I know I can be happy here for a long time.”
The golden years
Making the move to an independent living community can be an affordable way to make the most of one’s retirement years. Kayatt, Klein and Eickhoff have all seen the benefits to cutting ties to a house or an apartment in favor of community living. Klein was able to take advantage of a promotion from Holiday Retirement, which covered up to $1,000 of her moving expenses, and Kayatt received her birthday month free when she moved in. And as for Eickhoff, the payoff for him is being surrounded by people his own age with shared experiences and a passion for living the good life. “This is everything I ever thought about doing when I retired,” said Eickhoff. “Sometimes people reminisce about the past being great, but I was fighting in the military for 22 years and working hard, and now these are my golden years. I can actually relax and people take care of me for a change.”
■
5
One man’s letters, bound in loss, help him work through his grief
By Barbara Mahany Chicago Tribune
CHICAGO – “Only one month ago today, we gathered for another celebration, your 48th birthday ... the boys ate chocolate cake, I played happy birthday on my harmonica, and again you smiled through your suffering. “You’ve been gone almost four weeks now ... I face each new day yearning for you and loving you more than ever.” In the blur of days after his wife of nearly 11 years died, an old friend mailed Ralph Moses a blank book, empty pages that came with no instructions, no prompt. Just the hope, perhaps, that it might become a book of healing. Moses wasted little time. The next morning, before his sons, Jonathan and David, then 5 and 7, awoke, he began a ritual that would carry him through the heartaches of the next 12 months: He penned a letter to the woman he still calls “his forever love,” Ann, who had died Aug. 4, 2008, of complications from breast cancer, leaving him alone to raise their two boys. Writing letters had long been at the root of Ralph and Ann’s connection. And, in the end, it would be letters – the spelling out of his love, his worries and his shattered dreams – that would carry him through the anguish of losing his wife far too soon. For Moses, grief poured out in words on paper. To read through the journal is to enter into the shadow and the dappled light that is the journey from utter loss to a life rearranged – empty, yes, but moving through the seasons. For many men grief comes haltingly and with particular pain. It is not so commonplace to let your broken heart ooze. And therein lies the pain atop the pain. “When we have great pain, we need to find something to do with it. Writing doesn’t remove it, but it spreads it around,” says Fran Nathanson, the bereavement counselor at
Midwest Palliative & Hospice CareCenter, who worked with Moses, and for more than a year listened to his weekly reading of at least one letter.
Action vs. talking
Men are more inclined to work through grief in a style that’s often less about talking and more about taking action. Kenneth J. Doka, co-author of “Grieving Beyond Gender: Understanding the Ways Men and Women Mourn” (Routledge/Taylor & Francis, $34.95), is a professor of counseling who has been studying grief since his days as a pediatric chaplain at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in New York some 39 years ago. Doka is considered the leading authority on the subject of grief and gender. He identifies two distinct grieving styles, each more commonly associated with, though not restricted to, a particular gender. Men tend to grieve in what Doka terms an “instrumental” style: taking action, working through the pain by doing. He tells of a man whose 17-year-old daughter was killed in a car accident; on the morning of the funeral, the father, bereft, was outside fixing the picket fence through which she crashed. Women are typically “intuitive” grievers, a style Doka describes as “more feeling-oriented, with waves of emotion, and much verbalizing.” Intuitive grievers often find ways to express feelings in a group, or with a therapist or confidant. “What’s key is to under-
McClatchy Tribune
Ralph Moses at his West Rogers Park, Chicago home, wrote a book of love letters to his wife Ann Walker every day for a year after she died of breast cancer in 2008.
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Writing from, and for, the heart Grand Forks Herald/Sunday, November 7, 2010
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R001515205
At 79, he nibbles and noshes his way to health
6 Grand Forks Herald/Sunday, November 7, 2010
By Art Carey
potato. From 8 to 10 p.m., he indulges in “serious grazing,” snacking every 15 minutes or so on such foods as hummus, broccoli, polenta, cherry tomatoes, oranges, dried fruits (dates, prunes, raisins), seeds and nuts, and, for dessert, yogurt balls covered with chocolate liqueur, or a bit of ice cream.
The Philadelphia Inquirer
Thriving nibbler
But to Kay, who does not profess to be an expert on diet and nutrition, the most interesting and persuasive case study is close at hand – himself. His philosophy: “If one person survives on the nib-
Stays out of the kitchen
McClatchy Tribune
Bob Kay, 79, sits down with a snack of four cherry tomatoes and one boiled egg, of which he only eats the whites. For nearly 15 years Kay has chosen to eat small nibbles of food 20 or more times a day rather than three full meals. bling paradigm, that’s all you need to know.” Actually, Kay is more than surviving; he’s thriving. Since becoming a nibbler, Kay has shed 25 pounds. His current weight: a trim 152 (maintained in part by four to five half-hour sessions at the gym each week). His blood pressure has also dropped significantly, and the angina that used to strike once a week now afflicts him every two months. Despite a family history of cardiovascular disease, he takes no medication these days, and feels the better for it. In eating frequently throughout the day, Kay is following a practice advocated by proponents of socalled paleo, caveman, or Stone Age diets. Many athletes and bodybuilders also believe in the benefits of numerous small meals rather than the conventional Big Three. Devotees of the Body for Life pro-
Making friends during retirement
Metro Creative
When you’re younger, it seems you can’t wait until retirement. After all, who wants to deal with going to work every day and coping with coworkers and a boss? However, many people overlook the opportunities for socialization that working provides. You get out of the house and see people – apart from your family – with whom you can converse. Many retirees find that life can be a bit boring after the job ends, primarily because they don’t have access to the same level of socialization as they once did. Making friends can keep you active and healthy. If you’re a bit rusty in the friend-making department, it’s pretty much how it was when you were younger. You simply must find individuals who have similar interests and goals. ■ Volunteer in your community and you’re bound to find potential friends who are like-minded. ■ Take classes at a college or university. Many offer free or discounted
rates for seniors. This is a great way to meet people of all ages and walks of life. ■ Attend clubs at senior centers or houses of worship. It’s likely that there are plenty of other people looking for relationships. ■ Think about your interests. If you like fishing, sewing or boating, join a club that caters to those interests. Others who share your hobbies will be there. ■ If you’re new to an area, host an open-house party and invite neighbors in for introductions and some socialization. ■ Join a social networking site online. You can connect with people, potentially individuals who live close by. ■ Ask existing friends if they have other friends to whom they can introduce you.
gram, for example, have been able to fashion spectacularly lean physiques in 12 weeks by eating at least six times a day. Such a routine not only suppresses cravings but also stabilizes blood sugar and insulin levels, factors in diabetes and the accumulation of fat. Typically, Kay begins his day about 7 a.m. with coffee, half a glass of orange juice, and a hard-boiled egg, sans yolk. At 11 a.m., he may eat a bowl of lettuce, topped with wheat germ, ketchup, or honey mustard sauce. At 2 p.m., perhaps some precooked fish bits, broccoli, and another hardboiled egg. At 5 p.m., a slice of turkey ham and a baked
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stand that grief is a reaction to loss, and we all react differently,” says Doka, senior consultant to the Hospice Foundation of America. He sees journaling as a therapeutic tool that is both instrumental (writing the letters) and intuitive (pouring out feelings). “Most people aren’t inclined to call anyone at 2 in the morning when they’re tossing and turning. Letter writing can be an outlet anytime,” says grief counselor Nathanson. “So many times people feel this mass of emotion. When you put words down on paper, it’s one thing at a time. It has the potential to organize what feels like a jumble of emotions.” Moses, who started every heart-wrenching day for 375 days with just such a letter, knows the power of those words. “It was a way to stay connected to her; I couldn’t let her go,” he says. “It wasn’t denial; as a social worker I know what denial is. Physically, I had to let her go. Spiritually, I never will. “What it did was it car-
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He spends no more than 10 minutes a day in the kitchen, he notes proudly. Other favorite foods: whitefish salad, smoked oysters, sardines, rare steak, avocados, sauerkraut, coleslaw, olives, beans, olive oil, yogurt, oatmeal, rice pudding, and chocolate-covered espresso beans or blueberries. He drinks small amounts of water, as well as green tea, milk, wine, and chocolate liqueur. Twice a week, he treats himself to two full meals, usually one at a buffet restaurant, the other at a friend’s house. He tries to avoid animal fats, and in the course of a year, he’ll allow himself only two servings of french fries and five slices of pizza. He is not alone. He compliments his lady friend for being “flexible” and becoming a nibbler as well. But the likelihood of sparking a nibbling revolution, he acknowledges, is remote. Sitting down to a big meal is not just about ingesting nutrients; it’s also a social rite, embedded universally in human culture and tradition. On the other hand, there’s what Kay calls “the happy housewife issue.” “I speculate,” he says with professorial gravity, “that there would be a lot more happy housewives if they didn’t feel obliged to produce three square meals a day.”
ried me through the stages of grief. It carried me through deep sorrow, intense feelings of loss, and gradually into other stages, depression certainly, then over time into acceptance. In writing I could see still the longing, the intense love. If anything it’s stronger than ever. But gradually I was getting more comfortable in my new roles, whereas in the beginning I was almost paralyzed.” And he knew when it was time to write the final passage. On the day that would have been their 12th wedding anniversary, he boarded a bus with his book of letters, and sat down beside his wife’s grave. He wrote one last love letter. “As time has passed since you died last summer, I’ve begun to notice within myself that what once seemed so recent, like only yesterday, now feels like so very long ago. ... All of this used to feel like it just happened. Now, it almost seems like ancient history. I’m afraid that for me, reality has finally set in. “To my always ... from your forever. “Love, Ralph”
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R001517768
PHILADELPHIA – Bob Kay was not planning to reform his diet. He was just lazy. Fourteen years ago, when a live-in relationship broke up, Kay became a full-fledged bachelor. Making big meals for himself was too tedious and timeconsuming, so the busy psychiatrist began feeding himself by nibbling, noshing, and grazing. In short order, the practice became habitual. Today, Kay, 79, who lives in Philadelphia’s Society Hill Towers, has completely forsaken the conventional three squares a day. Instead, he eats 15 to 20 times a day, grazing and nibbling in the manner of our primordial ancestors. He eats a wide range of foods – vegetables, fruits, grains, seeds, nuts, meat, and fish – and his diet is based on no particular model or principle other than eating what he likes. “I eat what primates eat,” Kay says. “I eat a good deal of protein because that’s what monkeys are supposed to do.” Not that Kay is a monkey or aspires to be one. Indeed, his opinion of evolution and how far we’re removed from our putative simian roots is irrelevant. What matters is this: “I feel good,” Kay says. Over the years, Kay has kept an eye open for scientific evidence that supports the virtue of his peculiar mode of nutrition: a study in the New England Journal of Medicine showing that nibbling reduced cholesterol; a Columbia University study showing that a bountiful plate or table encourages overeating; a book (“Health Secrets of the Stone Age, by Philip J. Goscienski, M.D.) that postulates that nibbling may inhibit a hormone (ghrelin) that drives appetite.
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