The Gateshead Chronicles

The Gateshead Chronicles Stories from our people

Stories from our workforce

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

Table of Contents 04

Foreword

07

ICORE Values

09

Chapter 1:

Covid Stories @ Gateshead Health

29

08

Part one: Early Days

16

Part two: Caring for the Carers

22

Part three: Life changing

Spotlight 30

33

Schwartz Rounds

Resources 34

How to have a Good Conversation

35

Balance

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FOREWORD

Foreword Welcome to the Gateshead Health NHSFT e-book, The Gateshead Chronicles, which is a collection of stories directly related to the experiences of the people who work in our organisation. Initially we have focussed on stories which come from the period of the Covid-19 pandemic, but eventually we will gather more stories which reflect the ever-changing nature of the work we do, and the experiences that we live through.

Working in healthcare whilst rewarding for many, can also be extremely challenging. We work alongside families who are going through joyful times, as well as families who are going through the most difficult of times.

We are privileged to witness life as it begins, and of course life when it ends. We are there to support our patients and their loved ones as they battle with injury, disease and the subsequent treatment – and always with a focus on making their experience as positive as it can be, often through the most challenging of circumstances.

And yet we are all simply human beings who have our own joys to experience and challenges to face.During the Covid-19 pandemic, NHS staff were applauded on a weekly basis during the ‘clap for carers’, a demonstration of the esteem in which NHS workers were held as they worked tirelessly to care for patients during those worrying times. But we know that our people were also facing their own worries, had their own challenges, and were often experiencing the most difficult of personal circumstances such as being separated from family members for weeks and months at a time.

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FOREWORD

We wanted to dedicate a space to capture some of those experiences – what was it like to work in our organisation during the Covid-19 pandemic?

What were the things that our people were afraid of? What were the things that brought them joy? What made them able to get out of bed each day to face another difficult shift?

We hope never to see anything like this again in our lifetime, but feel that it’s important to capture a snapshot of that time. We look back now and it seems extraordinary that we wouldn’t be able to offer our colleagues and friends a comforting embrace as they wept with frustration, sadness, anger…and yet that was the reality!

This e-book aims to be a repository of a moment in our shared history. A space where we don’t try to solve problems, learn lessons or apportion blame – we simply share our stories and recognise our shared humanity.

This project is ongoing, and as we gather more stories the e-book will grow, develop and generate new chapters. For now though, we are grateful to those people who have shared their experiences with us.

I hope you enjoy this book, and I look forward to continuing to watch it grow over the coming months and years.

Gill Findley Chief Nurse and Professional Lead for Midwifery and Allied Health Professionals Deputy Chief Executive

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ICORE

ICORE Values The act of listening with compassion and curiosity can have a positive impact on people's mental health and well-being. The Gateshead Health Chronicles aims to complement this compassionate listening by providing an innovative opportunity for colleagues to engage with others who have gone through similar experiences, creating a sense of belonging and inclusion, and supporting staff to be open and respectful with one another.

Innovation We look for new ways to improve what we do and recognise that we all have a role to play in our continuous improvement.

Care We care for our patients, communities, each other and ourselves with kindness and compassion.

Openness We always act with integrity and transparency and are open and honest with ourselves and each other.

Respect We treat everyone with respect and dignity, creating a sense of belonging and inclusion.

Engagement We are inclusive and collaborative in our approach, working as a tam with our partners to deliver the best care possible.

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COVID STORIES @ GATESHEAD HEALTH

Chapter 1:

Covid Stories @ Gateshead Health

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PART ONE: EARLY DAYS ¦ THE FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN

Part one: Early Days and how the virus had travelled from Wuhan, China, across the continents into Europe and now into our capital cities.

The fear of the unknown

As she spoke to us all you could hear a pin drop and I remember thinking that everyone would be able to hear my pounding heart. I quickly realised that everyone in that room felt the same way and the fear of the unknown was on all of our faces. Some were unable to hold back their tears.

I remember, quite vividly, the day our Matron called that first meeting in our department to give us our first real insight into how the pandemic was developing and what that meant for us as Theatre staff.

We had all been following the news

The message, although sensitively delivered, was quite clear. Elective surgery would cease and we as operating department practitioners and nurses were needed to support our ITU colleagues with our skills in airway management, positioning of patients, monitoring and equipment knowledge.

Despite how afraid I felt, I knew I would volunteer to do whatever I could to support. The following days and weeks were a flurry of learning new skills, practices and preparation as best we could with the ever changing environment and evidence we were faced with.

Despite this, no one was really prepared for the emotional

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PART ONE: EARLY DAYS ¦ THE FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN

challenges we were to face.

The devastating scenes and loss of life will stay with me forever. A strange sense of loneliness but togetherness is a lasting memory of my work in ITU with colleagues from many professions and patients from every part of our community.

Looking back now, not only did I learn new skills and find a deeper appreciation for my fellow colleagues, but...

...I have also developed an emotional resilience to dealing with adversity and difficulties.

These are the things I want to take forward in a positive way to become a better health care professional, colleague and ally.

Angela Mcphee Anaesthetics and Recovery Team Surgical Business Unit PAGE 9

PART ONE: EARLY DAYS ¦ RAINBOWS, SUNSHINE AND FREE PIZZA!

Part one: Early Days goodbye to our then 8 year old for a potential 3 months.

Rainbows, sunshine and free pizza!

My first memory that stands out was the day it was announced schools were closing and nonessential businesses for 3 months. I was really anxious as to how we would continue to pay the bills as my husband works for Nissan.

Luckily within a few days the furlough scheme was announced.

Supermarkets were suddenly full of queues and toilet roll hoarding!

Sadly I didn't buy toilet rolls, but had plenty of pasta for the next year and the potential unknown shortages. This did not however help with the toilet roll situation, and when we found some at our local shop, it was like finding gold!

I remember planning to move out as our daughter is asthmatic. We said goodbye to parents and grandparents through car windows and it was heart-breaking seeing my mother in law cry, and saying xx PAGE 10

March 26th was the first 'clap for carers’ night, I remember this night as I had been on a days annual leave but I felt a little unwell clapping outside. I did however feel very proud to work for the NHS and it was quite emotional seeing everyone on their doorsteps clapping.

Roll on two days and I had very bad flu symptoms, but it felt different…

My husband also started to feel unwell. We both said it felt like an attack on our nervous system and we both still call it our ‘covid feeling’ during re-infections. I've now had it five times.

We were unable to get tests as they were only available to ITU staff at that point. I was up to day five by now, and had no taste or smell.

Within a few days I was coughing up blood. I was eventually tested on day 12, April 8th 2020, my 46th birthday, I got my positive result later that day - happy birthday!

We just had to assume my husband was positive too as he could not access testing. I did feel quite

PART ONE: EARLY DAYS ¦ RAINBOWS, SUNSHINE AND FREE PIZZA!

shocked but also relieved, I was almost through the unknown…I went back to work after 17 days, I still felt awful with headaches and fatigue, but I was keen to get back and help my colleagues.

I valued the next few months, there was no pressure to do things and we had a lot of family time together.

My husband normally works shifts, so it was nice to see more of him and discover that we live in an amazing area near a river - despite having lived where we do for 7 years!

I returned to work in a very different department. I remember a lot of staff had been redeployed and all outpatients cancelled. Luckily my role stayed very much the same as I see trauma patients. A lot of staff were upset as they had not worked on wards for years and were asked to work out of their comfort zones and normal hours.

course free pizza!

After three months my daughter returned to school and my husband to work. She was one of only six children, we had to work altered hours for child care. I cried the day I left her as she didn't know anyone or the teachers but of course she had a great day and played tag! I did feel upset with social media posts 'keeping their children safe' as others were off work. I felt incredibly guilty I couldn't keep my daughter at home.

I sadly lost my grandmother in January 2022 to Covid, and watched friends lose their parents in the same way. Its quite surreal looking back at that first year, one of the sunniest years I can remember, rainbow NHS pictures in windows and spaces made from yellow tape to stand in…

The hospital was quiet as most people stayed away and safe indoors. We all pulled together and I have some nice memories of a great team effort, lovely pictures drawn from our local schools, people making us scrubs and of xxxx

Sharon Haak Physiotherapy Team Clinical Support and Screening PAGE 11

PART ONE: EARLY DAYS ¦ I FELT SO LET DOWN…

Part one: Early Days

I felt so let down…

I was the clinical lead for my team and having seen the severity of covid in Italy, it was difficult to understand the approach taken by our leaders in UK. The hospital leadership team got all the leads together to plan for the worst-case scenario- I was proud to be part of this group, who went out of their way to help/contribute to the rota/eventuality planning and the camaraderie shown.

Personally, not sure how I managed during the first wave. I was leading my team locally, implementing national policies, supporting patients and their families, all within new restricted operating procedures. It was extremely difficult to support our cancer patients, some of whom sadly lost their lives or had treatment delayed/changed to palliative approach due to restrictions due to the pandemic.

Some decisions had to be made, as local and national teams did not have specific advice. Two-way communication with the leadership PAGE 12

team was extremely challenging at this time and all decisions appeared to be top-down as opposed to collectively as previously.

I had trouble accessing adequate protection to scope patients (Aerosol Generating Procedurehigh risk of spreading covid). Fit testing was not fully implemented with no structure, and when I asked the tester what I should do as I had failed - shrug was the answer, they were unsure as to what to suggest due to lack of national/local policy.

During all of this, the national leaders I felt did not appear to have a handle on the seriousness of the situation until the later stages of the pandemic.

Some of the positives during this surreal time were - colleagues, who had not done acute medicine, pitching in to help. Junior doctors and final year medical students stepping up, having difficult conversations and being so flexible and doing their best whichever ward they were posted to. The nursing staff, who were probably the most exposed / xxxx

PART ONE: EARLY DAYS ¦ I FELT SO LET DOWN…

vulnerable to catching covid, ensuring the compassionate care and spending time with them when they had no contact with family members. Consultant colleagues setting up WhatsApp groups with junior doctors to keep up the morale and providing pastoral support. The IT and ITU support to enable decision making/escalation decisions.

The effect on my family has been disastrous – our whole routine changed, I and my wife are both doctors. So we had to prepare for the worst- we used to shower as soon as we entered the house, place our clothes in the washing machine, feed the children, and then move into individual rooms to prevent transmission. One of the children was being bullied at school and did not feel able to open up and discuss with us as they felt that we were doing far more important things in a life/death scenario. Our other child was diagnosed with osteomyelitis, as both myself and my wife kept administering paracetamol (and heading in to work) thinking it was covid related even though they continued to have a temperature after 1 week. We have experienced a long inpatient stay with the child during the covid

pandemic and the worries and anxieties of severe illness and the long-term outcomes. So, as parents, we struggle to forgive ourselves for failing our children.

Post covid first wave, trying to support the team, patients as well as planning for further outbreaks as well as having to come to terms with losing colleagues/close family members. Observing the effect on the BAME community, the realisation that although I was taking precautions...

...I was putting myself in high-risk scenarios. I feared for my family.

The BAME risk tool that was being used by our organisation at that time was sent out over a weekend – unfortunately this tool failed to request specific information relating to race, sex or age of the person. When I enquired why the organisation at that time did not want to appear discriminatory in any way. Until this time, I had never felt discriminated at our Trust, but afterwards I felt for a period of time our organisation did not respect nor cater for diversity/ethnicity. The positive to PAGE 13

PART ONE: EARLY DAYS ¦ I FELT SO LET DOWN…

come out of this situation was I became involved in the trust BAME network and this made me realise how naïve I was and that implicit and systematic racism still prevails.

The Trust response to acknowledging junior doctor/teaching fellow contribution was inadequate including financially.

I did liaise with both regional ERCP centres and our organisation to ensure protection of our ERCP service as I was a lone operator and needed to ensure our organisation leadership team were aware of this and its implications if this service stopped. I felt disappointed at this time as whilst wanting to ensure the ERCP service continued to ensure it was as productive as it could be for our patients my request to be removed from other services to focus on maintaining this service were not adhered to, so after gaining regional network formal agreement I trained another colleague to cross cover for eventualities to ensure the service would continue.

Following the second covid wave, there was discord within our team, I was supporting colleagues in tears – team ethics were not being xxxx PAGE 14

adhered to, there was some disagreement within the team regarding some of my decision making as lead, I felt that I no longer had the support within the service so I resigned from my position as clinical lead.

I had requested help regarding personal issues, but I felt a lack of compassionate leadership at this time.

Having worked in a Trust that I had looked forward to coming to work, felt that it had changed completely, I felt let down so I resigned from my post. I worked with a brilliant colleague as colead as well as having a coach/counsellor to navigate me through the turbulence- I had taken up a post elsewhere but reconsidered and felt that I still had a core group of colleagues who I could work with to change/influence change to make QE the place it used to be, where people strove to do their best for the patients - so I rescinded my resignation.

Anonymous

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PART TWO: CARING FOR THE CARERS ¦ STRANGERS CONNECTED FOREVER

Part two: Caring for the Carers

Strangers connected forever In the initial few days and then weeks following the news of the outbreak, the HR advisory team experienced a huge volume of calls and queries relating to covid symptoms, isolation requirements, leave arrangements and concerns about pay from both staff and managers.

Due to this unprecedented volume of queries, the decision was made to step down the routine HR advisory work and a dedicated phone line was established to deal with these queries. As a team we very quickly had to become familiar with the ever changing guidance in order to be able to respond effectively. This in itself was very challenging.

Once Covid testing became available, as a team we manned the phone line, directing staff to the PCAS testing service, providing the PCAS admin team with details of staff and their household members who required a PCR test. These phone lines were operational 8am -

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8pm 7 days a week. The volume we dealt with was like nothing I’ve ever experienced and had a huge impact on our work life balance. The phone lines in the early stages of testing often rang off the hook, and the calls would sit in a queue until answered. The system we used displayed the volume being received and the amount of calls queuing, and for me, this caused anxiety and stress knowing that the calls were backing up and needed to be answered as quickly as possible. This pace continued for a couple of months.

Once the volume of staff requiring testing began to slow, we then also undertook the task of maintaining contact with staff who had been instructed to shield due to underlying health issues and who were therefore unable to come to work. We called each member of staff to check in on their wellbeing, offer support and in some cases just provide a listening ear.

One particular call will stay with me forever. We were provided with a list of names and phone numbers and had no details relating to the member of staff or their individual circumstances. One member of

PART TWO: CARING FOR THE CARERS ¦ STRANGERS CONNECTED FOREVER

staff who I rang answered my call and was grateful to speak to me but was extremely distressed.

I was the first person she had spoken to, other than her medical team and kind manager for several weeks.

I had called her just after she had been given the devastating news that her chemotherapy treatment was no longer working. She explained to me that she was shielding due to her cancer treatment but had just received the news that her treatment would not continue. She had no close family, lived alone and was really struggling. I was the first person she had spoken to, other than her medical team and kind manager for several weeks.

I was completely caught off guard, but tried to provide her with a listening ear and give her some comfort and reassurance that she was not alone. We talked for about twenty minutes. We both cried despite not actually knowing each other. Her situation really affected me and I called her again the following week. She was in a better place mentally the second time we spoke but I thought about her many times afterwards.

Due to her situation, once shielding was lifted, she was too unwell to return to work and I supported her and her manager during her ill health. She sadly passed away a few months later. I still think of her a lot and I am grateful that I had the opportunity to hopefully be a comfort to someone who was a stranger, but became a colleague who I was able to provide support and advice to.

Danielle Burke Resourcing Team (Previously HR Advisory Team) People and Organisational Development

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PART TWO: CARING FOR THE CARERS ¦ WE WERE WRITING THE MANUAL ON HOW TO NAVIGATE THIS…

Part two: Caring for the Carers

We were writing the manual on how to navigate this…

wrapped around individuals and teams working so incredibly hard to simply do the best they could to care for patients and each other.

I joined Gateshead Health in October 2020, some eight months into the pandemic and was thrown into the deep end of leading and supporting our people response, building on the work and immense efforts already in place whilst also bringing more structure and rhythm to our work.

I remember daily cell meetings; workforce cells, strategic cells, tactical cells, regional meetings, national meetings and more, all xxx

There was fear, exhaustion, frustration and often tears, sometimes privately as we sat distanced and mask wearing across large offices, and sometimes spontaneously in corridors with the natural response to give a hug and human contact and reassurance ever the harder.

Days were full of endless Teams meetings with frequent "you're on mute", "I can't hear you", "is that an 'old' or (later replaced with the more polite) 'legacy' hand", which we still sometimes hear to date! Teams, zoom and face time calls became part of day-to-day life, both at work and in our home lives as technology brought us much needed connectivity with family and friends for Friday night quizzes, virtual Prosecco catch ups and Sunday morning virtual coffees.

We had insights into family lives as many of our corporate colleagues worked from home; children, dogs, cats, amazon deliveries and more became frequent interruptions to

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PART TWO: CARING FOR THE CARERS ¦ WE WERE WRITING THE MANUAL ON HOW TO NAVIGATE THIS…

work conversations learned to treasure.

which

we

Those of us at work stepped out of offices with trepidation at times, entering the kitchen individually, waiting politely to enter one by one. Lunch gatherings in The Hub were massively missed and work became very different for us all. I'd like to think we got a lot 'right' but I know there were things we could have done better but I tell myself we were almost writing the manual on this as we went. Being kind to each other was essential, and still is.

I had real frustration around being restricted entry from the main buildings and some of our clinical areas, very much wanting to be visible, to show support to all our colleagues working across clinical areas and eventually somewhat unlike me, broke the rule (!) and with another executive colleague (after fit testing) visited critical care and some other services.

Having worked in the NHS for over 20 years, I always thought I had pretty good insight into services and a snippet of clinical life, but what I saw that day will stay with me for a long while yet.

The mandatory vaccination programme was brutal. I have few words to reflect on that.

Many say Covid is now 'over'; those of us working in the NHS know the reality is that it isn't really, we are all just learning to live with it. We are adjusting to some kind of new 'normal' but I suspect our experiences both in and out of work, changed us all somewhat.

And finally, I remember 8PM on a Thursday evening standing outside with my neighbours, initially simply clapping and then by the end of the 10-week period, the claps had grown to the banging of pots and pans, drums, whistles and more. We were quite a sight along the road through our small village. I was proud then and I will carry that pride with me for what we all did in such unprecedented times.

It took a whole team effort which few will ever fully truly understand.

Lisa Crichton-Jones Executive Director for People and Organisational Development PAGE 19

PART TWO: CARING FOR THE CARERS ¦ IT NEVER FELT LIKE IT WAS ENOUGH

Part two: Caring for the Carers

It never felt like it was enough My role throughout the majority of the COVID-19 pandemic was as the Health and Wellbeing Lead for the organisation. This was a new role, created during the pandemic, reflecting the need to prioritise the health and wellbeing of every member of the workforce, whether they were delivering front line, hands on care in hospital and in the community, working tirelessly to ensure that the environment and equipment was safe for both patients and staff, were isolating or working from home – and everyone in between!

I have worked in and around staff health and wellbeing for most of my time at Gateshead (18 years!), but it had never felt as critical as it did during 2020 and beyond. It was clear very quickly that if our people were to provide the best care that they could to our patients, then the organisation needed to do whatever it could to provide care to our people.

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Very early on we recognised that this event would have a massive psychological impact on our people.

So, that was our first priority – we put more psychological support in place than we’d ever seen before. And yet, no one was accessing it! It soon became clear that we’d misjudged the situation.

In those frantic, early days, people didn’t have the emotional capacity to seek out psychological support; they came to work, did what they needed to do, went home (or to a hotel!), slept and came back the next day to do it all again. Psychological support would be needed later – what people needed now was practical support – space to eat; somewhere to decompress; food and drink which was easily accessible.

I worked alongside some amazing QEF colleagues more than I ever had – we provided solutions such as care boxes, outside seating, sanctuary rooms, retreat days…and yet it was never quite enough. I felt a huge sense of guilt as I sat at home in my kitchen, my husband leaving every day to go up to the hospital to work in the Pathology lab. I had never worked harder in my life, yet it never felt like it was enough.

PART TWO: CARING FOR THE CARERS ¦ IT NEVER FELT LIKE IT WAS ENOUGH

MS Teams was a revelation – it felt like we were working in a sci-fi world at first! We all soon came to have a love-hate relationship with Teams…grateful that we had the technology to stay connected to people; frustrated at the inability to reach out and connect in person, especially when the frustrations and worries of friends and colleagues spilled out through their eyes…We all wanted to do the best we could, but it never felt like it was enough.

One feeling which sat very uncomfortably with me, was my sense of gratefulness….I know that seems strange given the context we were working in. But in terms of the work I was doing, for the first time ever we received robust funding for staff health and wellbeing, so we could move projects ahead quickly that otherwise would have taken months and years to progress! We had a health and wellbeing team in place who could support our army of Health and Wellbeing Ambassadors, who in turn were doing some fantastic work in supporting people out in the organisation. This all felt like the silver lining of a very dark COVID cloud.

felt humble. I had seen my colleagues work in ways that they should never have had to. I had seen them work in awful conditions.

I had seen the genuine compassion, not just of people who were looking after patients, but people who were doing everything they could to help staff – even if it didn’t always feel like that out on the ground.

Someone said to me recently that they felt that they were abandoned during COVID, and that ‘the management’ didn’t care about them. I was a little bit heartbroken in that moment, after witnessing for myself everything that was trying to be done behind the scenes. I challenged that person, gently, because I could see that from their perspective, it felt like the truth.

But I understand, that for some people, the situation was so intolerable that whatever we did would never be enough, and I am learning to accept that…

Kerry Gowland OD Practitioner (Previously HWB Lead) People and Organisational Development

Overall, as we started to move into a world of living alongside COVID, I PAGE 21

PART THREE: LIFE CHANGING ¦ LIGHT FROM THE DARKNESS

Part three: Life changing part of the Graduate Management Scheme, and then at Gateshead a year later. This, we were told, was the most difficult time to join the

Light from the darkness Prior to working for the NHS I was working at HMRC, collecting debt. It was an office-based 9 – 5 dead end job which at the time was not a good culture. When covid struck everyone was asked if they wanted to join the effort to support specific covid related initiatives. I decided to volunteer to help out and the next week started work on supporting the furlough payments scheme.

However, it was the way in which work changed, becoming more agile, working from home, Microsoft Team’s meetings etc. that was a real culture change for me and my team. It allowed me to re-consider the way I work, and what I prioritise.

Having just had my first child six months previously, I wanted her to know that when called, her dad stepped up and helped - her dad helped to change people’s lives.

This was only further developed when I started working for the NHS in March 2021 at another Trust as xxx PAGE 22

Graduate Scheme in its multiple decade history. However this only motivated me more to make a difference. Covid had shown us things could change and more importantly, these changes could work. I was determined to be a part of this and no longer accepted leadership that allowed innovation to be squandered.

Although I was not at Gateshead at the beginning of the pandemic...

...the culture changes and acceptance to change, reevaluating what is important such as the ability of having a good work/ life balance is something I have found is very much encouraged by all members of staff and leaders within the positive, compassionate culture here at Gateshead.

This, alongside being a strong role-model for my now two young children, are what’s important to me.

The covid pandemic took so much from us such as loved ones, freedom and safety, it also allowed me to spend more valuable time with my children proving that there is even light in a time of such pronounced darkness. A world without holidays and hugs is not a world I want to live in again and is certainly not one I wish for my children. The covid pandemic has allowed me to realise that for myself I need to belong in an organisation where these values are lived and encouraged, which is why I am so proud to be a part of Team Gateshead.

Mark Philpott Provider Collaborative (hosted by Gateshead) (Previously HR Advisory Team) PAGE 23

PART THREE: LIFE CHANGING ¦ HEARTBREAK FOR OUR FAMILY

Part three: Life changing laughing at things we would say, then crying when we left. He used to sing the tune to Darth Vader, and ask for coffee - he had never drank coffee in his life!

Heartbreak for our family My son in law did not have his Covid jabs - he said he did not want to be poorly with the jabs as he looked after their autistic son whilst my daughter looked after their 2 daughters.

In December 2021 he was very unwell; his diabetes was out of control and because he smoked and could not get his breath, he was taken into hospital. The healthcare staff told him that they wanted to put him on a life support machine to give his body a chance to heal. He refused, saying he wanted to see his wife and children.

When we went to see him I had to drive from Hebburn to Ashington where they lived, often in the middle of the night as we were told he wasn’t going to survive.

When we did see him he was on an oxygen mask 24/7. I would say "come on Jason, fight" and he would say “I am!” We had fun times xx PAGE 24

On the day Jason died we were called once again in the early hours of the morning and were told they had taken him off the machines which were monitoring him. My daughter who is only 37 was wailing…it was awful.

When we went in to see him he looked at my daughter and said "Nic, I love you" then didn’t say anything more. We sat with him for four hours, and then I said “Nicola let him go, let them take off his mask”. He was very agitated, so she did…he took two breaths then passed away. It was awful.

The doctors and nurses were wonderful.

Brenda Harrison Pathology Clinical Support and Screening

PART THREE: LIFE CHANGING ¦ HEARTBREAK FOR OUR FAMILY

Part three: Life changing

It was meant to help, but did the opposite I first experienced the side effects a few weeks after having the Covid vaccine.

The symptoms included having a severe pain in my left side of the face, specifically around the right eyeball, which resulted in my right eyeball 'shifting' to around 45 degrees to the left. The only medicine I was offered was amitriptyline.

The symptoms made me feel dizzy, not being able to drive and constantly feeling nauseous. I wore an eye patch for approximately two and a half months, before this rectified itself.

The symptoms returned when I had the second jab, but this time it was in left eye. It was a similar situation as previously, and it corrected itself.

Interestingly an article on the web which referred to the side effects of the vaccine indicated what I had described. When I went to the eye specialist and presented the information, it was not taken seriously.

From my personal understanding, it seemed that a large number of clinicians did not believe that the vaccine was effective and as such chose not to receive it. At the same time it appeared that external information which was being provided (written by 'experts') in this field was not being acknowledged.

The go ahead to rollout the vaccination programme was seen as a priority. However, in my opinion there doesn’t seem to have been any attempt to understand what the side effects were, how they have manifested and the direct detriment upon an individuals’ mental health and health in general.

Suffice to say I have not, and will not be taking a booster jab.

Kuldip Sohanpal Equality and Diversity Manager PAGE 25

PART THREE: LIFE CHANGING ¦ LOCKDOWN LOVE AND LOSS

Part three: Life changing

Lockdown love and loss

vicious. In the few weeks since I had moved I’d seen them once or twice a week which had been hard enough, leaving me in tears more often than not, but the knowledge that I didn't know when I would see them again devastated me.

In February 2020, my wife and I separated and I moved into a flat.

This was the first time I had ever lived alone. I had also been seconded into the HealthRoster team (a move which would soon become permanent). At the same time, the world was slowly becoming aware of a new virus.

As Covid-19 took hold and cases skyrocketed, the Trust had to quickly work out a pandemic strategy. My role was identified as of ‘high importance’ and during the first UKwide lockdown I went into the office every day to ensure that frontline staff were in the right place at the right time. I was very aware that I worked in a place where people were being treated for and dying from Covid-19.

With my ex-wife working in a school and my child at college, it was too risky to see them. One of my biggest fears when we separated was that we would grow apart and stop seeing each other.

I hadn't expected it to be this sudden and this PAGE 26

There were Zoom get-togethers but I came to hate them. My friends all had someone else and it emphasised how alone I was. It all felt so unfair. After all the time and energy I’d spent remaking myself, things should have been improving and I should have been getting happier. Instead, the exact opposite happened.

And then I found a girlfriend.

The lockdown meant that the in person Be:Trans support group sessions had to be quickly moved to Zoom. I volunteered to run the first one. For the first half hour or so the only other person in the call was a newly-out trans woman called Stargirl (not her real name). Despite only having been self-medicating with low doses of oestrogen for a few months, I thought she looked beautiful and very feminine. During that first half hour, we really clicked.

After a few weeks of talking most days we agreed that we were

PART THREE: LIFE CHANGING ¦ LOCKDOWN LOVE AND LOSS

'lockdown dating'. She made me feel like an attractive woman. We were drunk with gender euphoria!

Eventually, despite trying to hold back we had to break the rules and meet.

As I drove to her house, I was terrified, desperately unsure if I was doing the right thing. I had been separated from my ex-wife for my less than three months. Stargirl was extremely nervous about being a 'baby trans', convinced that I was going to take one look at her in the flesh and would see her as a bloke in a dress.

I definitely did not see her as a bloke in a dress.

It didn't last. We loved being together but I don't think we were ever entirely comfortable. Stargirl had too many issues with being so early in her transition. I didn't know who I was by myself, it was too soon after my separation and I felt so guilty. I don't think I was looking for a way out but I had a very strong feeling that it wasn't going to last.

The few times I spent time with her often ended with me feeling upset. I knew that I was potentially exposing everyone around me to Covid-19 and we didn’t take the sort of precautions we should have done.

The end, when it came, was sudden and unexpected. Most mornings, we would text to say good morning and say something cute. That morning we ended up arguing, things were said which couldn’t be unsaid, and when she accused me of making it difficult to access the only trans support group in the area, I lashed out and then hung up the phone.

I'm not proud of how it went ended and I am very sorry that I hurt her.

There was too much guilt, confusion and sadness at my end for this to have ever worked even without Stargirl’s baggage. In the end, we weren't good for each other.

Despite how it ended, I’m grateful that she showed me that I am an attractive, desirable woman. On the days when I find it hard to see, I can remember that there was an extremely cute girl that felt the same way about me.

Life, however, continued. Although really it was just work. Everything else was on hold. I learnt to live by myself discovering that I quite liked it. I could entertain myself and nerd out by organising my books. Really, who could ask for anything else?

Ellen Mellor Health Roster Team People and Organisational Development PAGE 27

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SPOTLIGHT

Spotlight

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SPOTLIGHT: SCHWARTZ ROUNDS

Spotlight:

Schwartz Rounds In 1994 a health attorney called Ken Schwartz was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer.

During his treatment, he found that what mattered to him most as a patient were the simple acts of kindness from his caregivers, which he said made “the unbearable bearable.”

Before his death, he left a legacy for the establishment of the Schwartz Center in Boston, to help to foster compassion in healthcare.

"I have learned that medicine is not merely about performing tests or surgeries, or administering drugs… For as skilled and knowledgeable as my caregivers are, what matters most is that they have empathized with me in a way that gives me hope and makes me feel like a human being, not just an illness.”

- Ken Schwartz

What are Schwartz Rounds?

Schwartz Rounds provide a structured forum where all staff, clinical and non-clinical, come together regularly to discuss the emotional and social aspects of working in healthcare.

The purpose of Rounds is to understand the challenges and rewards to providing care, not to solve problems or to focus on the clinical aspects of patient care.

Schwartz Rounds can help staff feel more supported in their jobs, allowing them the time and space to reflect on their roles. Evidence shows that staff who attend Rounds feel less stressed and isolated, with increased insight and appreciation for each other’s roles, in addition to reducing hierarchies between staff and to focus attention on relational aspects of care.

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SPOTLIGHT: SCHWARTZ ROUNDS

Schwartz Rounds at Gatshead Health Topics have included: Covid and Me The day I made a difference In at the deep end When my best isn’t good enough Feelings of failure when things don’t work I didn’t expect that: Managing our expectations of ourselves and our role Heroes to Zero's A time I felt proud From Holby City to ER – when TV medicine affects patient expectations Schwartz Rounds are run by trained facilitators, who work in varied roles across the organisation.

They happen monthly (other than a couple of scheduled breaks) and to enable as many people as possible to attend, we run them in person one month, then online the next.

Schwartz Rounds last around one hour. The first 15-20 minutes will be led by 2-3 storytellers, who will share their experiences around the theme.

Storyteller panels will ideally be a mix of clinical and non-clinical staff to help build well-rounded perspective amongst attendees.

The remainder of the session will then be led by the facilitators who’ll lead an open discussion.

The focus of Schwartz Rounds is very much on reflection, and so discussion will be focused around this as opposed to problem solving. All sessions are a confidential space, with patient and staff identities protected and it clearly outlined that the room is a safe space.

Interested?

If you’re interested in taking part in a Schwartz Round as a participant or as a storyteller, get in touch with us at ghnt.hwb@nhs.net or go to our webpage here.

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Resources

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HOW TO HAVE A GOOD CONVERSATION

How to have a Good Conversation A good, constructive conversation needs to have some thought, and so we’ve provided some top tips for having a great conversation below. The Radio 4 Listening Project is a great resource, and as well as hosting lots of interesting conversations, it also provides some great advice for you to get the most out of your conversations:

How to have a The Listening Project

constructive

BBC Radio 4

argument BBC Radio 4

Seven ways to make your small talk big

Seven tips for how to make better conversation

BBC Radio 4

BBC Radio 4

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Balance is the official health and wellbeing brand of Gateshead Health.

Led by a dedicated health and wellbeing team that sit within Occupational Health, Balance is here to help you improve your wellbeing.

The website aims to provide a go-to place for all things health and wellbeing, accessible anytime and from anywhere, including: Schwartz Rounds and Team Time Internal Mental Health Support Self-Care For enquiries concerning any occupational health and wellbeing matters, please contact the Health and Wellbeing team at ghnt.hwb@nhs.net.

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THE GATESHEAD CHRONICLES