love and loss

In February 2020, my wife and I separated and I moved into a flat. This was the first time I had ever lived alone. I had also been seconded into the HealthRoster team (a move which would soon become permanent) At the same time, the world was slowly becoming aware of a new virus.

As Covid-19 took hold and cases skyrocketed, the Trust had to quickly work out a pandemic strategy. My role was identified as of ‘high importance’ and during the first UKwide lockdown I went into the office every day to ensure that frontline staff were in the right place at the right time I was very aware that I worked in a place where people were being treated for and dying from Covid-19.

With my ex-wife working in a school and my child at college, it was too risky to see them. One of my biggest fears when we separated was that we would grow apart and stop seeing each other. I hadn't expected it to be this sudden and this vicious. In the few weeks since I had moved I’d seen them once or twice a week which had been hard enough, leaving me in tears more often than not, but the knowledge that I didn't know when I would see them again devastated me.

There were Zoom get-togethers but I came to hate them My friends all had someone else and it emphasised how alone I was. It all felt so unfair. After all the time and energy I’d spent remaking myself, things should have been improving and I should have been getting happier. Instead, the exact opposite happened

And then I found a girlfriend.

The lockdown meant that the in person Be:Trans support group sessions had to be quickly moved to Zoom. I volunteered to run the first one For the first half hour or so the only other person in the call was a newly-out trans woman called Stargirl (not her real name). Despite only having been self-medicating with low doses of oestrogen for a few months, I thought she looked beautiful and very feminine. During that first half hour, we really clicked.

After a few weeks of talking most days we agreed that we were

'lockdown dating'. She made me feel like an attractive woman We were drunk with gender euphoria! Eventually, despite trying to hold back we had to break the rules and meet

As I drove to her house, I was terrified, desperately unsure if I was doing the right thing I had been separated from my ex-wife for my less than three months. Stargirl was extremely nervous about being a 'baby trans', convinced that I was going to take one look at her in the flesh and would see her as a bloke in a dress.

I definitely did not see her as a bloke in a dress.

It didn't last We loved being together but I don't think we were ever entirely comfortable. Stargirl had too many issues with being so early in her transition I didn't know who I was by myself, it was too soon after my separation and I felt so guilty. I don't think I was looking for a way out but I had a very strong feeling that it wasn't going to last The few times I spent time with her often ended with me feeling upset. I knew that I was potentially exposing everyone around me to Covid-19 and we didn’t take the sort of precautions we should have done.

The end, when it came, was sudden and unexpected Most mornings, we would text to say good morning and say something cute. That morning we ended up arguing, things were said which couldn’t be unsaid, and when she accused me of making it difficult to access the only trans support group in the area, I lashed out and then hung up the phone

I'm not proud of how it went ended and I am very sorry that I hurt her. There was too much guilt, confusion and sadness at my end for this to have ever worked even without Stargirl’s baggage. In the end, we weren't good for each other Despite how it ended, I’m grateful that she showed me that I am an attractive, desirable woman. On the days when I find it hard to see, I can remember that there was an extremely cute girl that felt the same way about me.

Life, however, continued Although really it was just work. Everything else was on hold. I learnt to live by myself discovering that I quite liked it I could entertain myself and nerd out by organising my books. Really, who could ask for anything else?

Ellen Mellor Health Roster Team People and Organisational Development