A Quarter of My Life

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A QUARTER OF MY

words by: Isabel Brewster design by: May Collins

By the time I was 20, I had spent 5 years in a relationship. We had gotten together a month after I turned 15, in the summer of 2014, after meeting at school and becoming friends. We stayed together throughout our GCSE’s, A-Level’s, an Art Foundation, and my first year of university. We broke up a month before I turned 20.

I had a distinct feeling of apprehension just before I left my hometown in Somerset for university. I perhaps knew that the physical distance would highlight the differences between us, and force me to reexamine how much space in my life my relationship took up. I didn’t feel ready to let go of my old life, and, potentially, my relationship in the process.

We broke up at the end of first year, when we could no longer move forward in our lives together. We were on different paths now, and wanted different things. It became too much of a burden, required too much of a sacrifice, and we needed to focus on ourselves as individuals rather than as a couple.

LiFE

I wondered where I would put the love I had for him - whether it would sit in my stomach forever, heavy with the weight of the loss I felt. I wondered how we would navigate our shared friendships, and whether his parents, who had supported and encouraged me for so many years, would still have time for me. But perhaps most crucially, I wondered who I was without him.

I didn’t feel that I knew myself - we shared hobbies, interests, friends, holidays. What was mine and what was his? We had grown up together, celebrated Christmases and birthdays, had favourite books and favourite films. Our break up became a way for my interest in the world outside of my hometown, and the world outside of my relationship, to grow. I began to envision what I wanted my future to look like. I thought of what I wanted for myself, over what I wanted for him, and us.

I fantasised about a lifestyle filled with travelling, of teaching English in France and Japan, of writing in Barcelona. The people I would meet, the relationships I would have, the friendships I would make. I wanted to be a journalist, a translator, a teacher. I invested time into myself like I had never before - I read, I drew, I watched films and went on holidays. I visited family and spent more time with my friends.

There were moments where it still felt painful, where the nostalgia caught in my throat, making my chest tight. But I held onto the lessons I had learnt from him, and from the time we had spent together.

Our relationship taught me the meaning of home, of comfort and security. He was kind, funny and smart. He was gentle and patient. I could think of a hundred adjectives to describe him, but when it came to myself, I felt lost. The person I was throughout our relationship feels like a shadow of the person I am now. She is with me still, but detached from me, a soft presence who reminds me to be grateful for the times I have had and excited for the times to come.

Relationships can be difficult to reflect on, because it requires us to look deeper into ourselves than we may feel comfortable with. But there’s power to be found in rediscovering who you are, and who you want to be.

‘I could think of a hundred adjectives to describe him, but when it came to myself, I felt lost.’