Our Biggest Relationship Lessons

words by: Kate Waldock Each failed relationship is a learning opportunity. Or at least, that’s what I get told from well-wishing friends and family, whilst I moan that I have just wasted months of my life to them. They aren’t wrong though; each relationship, no matter how miserable the breakup, has taught me a lot about myself and given me valuable experience for the future.

My first girlfriend decided to dump me on Valentine’s Day of my first year at university. I left that relationship heart broken, because I naively believed that if a girl superficially fulfils my criteria for ‘ideal girlfriend’, we’d end up having a long and amazing relationship. I was wrong. Also, as it turns out, a lot of girls are blonde and have good music taste, which leads me onto the first lesson: get to know your partner before you get serious. I admit, this might seem obvious, but for me, where u-hauling (moving too fast) is the natural response to meeting a pretty girl who likes my tattoos, it’s an important lesson to learn. Someone may ostensibly seem perfect for you, but don’t start planning your summer festivals with them one month in.

The second lesson I took away from my previous relationships was a big one. It’s one of those things that seems really obvious, something that you always think you have no problem doing, but then that one special person comes along, and you forget all your morals and ideals. The lesson is to respect yourself. If I had respected myself in my past relationships, I might be free of scary looks from friends of my ex and online drama that takes up far too much time. If I had respected myself, I might have seen the red flags for what they were, rather

than changing my entire sleep schedule and cancelling plans last minute whenever she decided she wanted to see me.

The third lesson I have learnt has had such significance in my entire life, not just my relationship. When I was younger, when friendships were far more tumultuous and girls could be cruel to each other, my mother always told me to rise above any arguments that may swing my way. It’s something that is so much easier to say than do, but in my relationships and more specifically, my breakups, I have learnt that rising above it is one of the best things I can do. The temptation, when someone breaks your heart, is to bite back and try and hurt them the way they’ve hurt you. I tried it briefly, slurring poorly executed insults at an ex, but now I look back and cringe. If you let the rumours and drama wash over you, keeping your

anger between your closest friends, your ex is going to stumble over one of their lies and insults themselves, whilst you move on.

I don’t regret these relationships, because without them I wouldn’t have learnt as much as I know now about myself. Each break up has led me on to finding the right person for me, someone that learns and grows with me in our relationship.

words by: Laura Dazon

There’s one principle central to relationship coaches’ marketing strategies: pain sells. If love gurus like Matthew Hussey bank millions on people’s cries for help, it’s because the lack of relationship literacy in our society leaves many desperate. I certainly accepted the verdict that relationships were either something you were good at or not. My love life for a long time left me feeling like I was on the wrong side of luck, until I learned it didn’t have to be this way.

My first major heartbreak was in freshers year, because of a guy I had never met in person. It’s funny to think we were one tweet away from never speaking. He was a part of my daily life for a year. Our relationship stretched to sweet confessions in the late hours of the night, but never extended to commitment. He told me not to get attached when I was already head over heels for him. I dismissed his warnings under the hopeful impression that he just “hadn’t met the one yet”, and that I was gonna be this one. Rookie mistake. I was just setting myself up for heartbreak. This taught me to actually listen to people and to understand actions speak as loud as words. Stop trying to figure out if that weird emoji he sent you secretly symbolizes his love, and actually ask him. You need to be clear with people about your expectations, and move on if they can’t answer them. Transparency isn’t being clingy. It’s respecting yourself and your boundaries.

Now it’s time to talk about my first proper relationship. We just weren’t right for each other. He was constantly unsatisfied with me. From the way I dressed to the way I spoke, he belittled my every move. Despite this, and the fact my self-esteem had never been so low as when I was with him, I fought tooth and nail to make it work. What I really needed to do was take a closer look at myself and my relationship, and see that I was the only one thinking in terms of ‘making it work’. You can’t fix a relationship by yourself; it’s supposed to be a team effort. Also, despite the fact I was supposedly well-versed in self boundaries and emotional literacy by then, I still accepted being treated with less respect than I deserved. Make peace with the fact you’ll make mistakes several times, even when you think you’ve learned your lesson. What matters is that you keep learning. The final point I’d like to touch upon concerns my current relationship. Where my lessons used to be found in pain, my current partner is teaching me day after day that they can spark from love and happiness. The craziest thing about it is that I almost didn’t give him the chance to, under the excuse that he was smaller than me. For years, I repeated I would only date people that were taller than me, and dismissed everyone else. Well, one thing for sure is that it didn’t matter if a guy was taller than me if he was making me miserable. My biggest lesson is certainly to allow yourself to be surprised, you never know what may come your way.

art by: Canva design by: Maja Metera