Trauma-Informed Parenting Guide by freelyinhope

TRAUMA-INFORMED PARENTING GUIDE A VIDEO CURRICULUM SERIES BY FREELY IN HOPE

ABOUT THE TRAUMA-INFORMED PARENTING GUIDE

WRITTEN BY JOAN NGARUIYA LUBI KWENDAKWEMA CONTRIBUTORS TRIZAH GAKWA MEERA SESHADRI PHOTOGRAPHER REBECCA UME CROOK

This companion guide was developed to equip parents and caregivers with the basics of parenting from a traumainformed perspective. It is written with the hope that parents and caregivers will gain knowledge and skills to navigate the intricate role of parenting and caregiving that prevents child sexual abuse and provides care for children who are survivors of sexual abuse. The guide provides the basics of trauma-informed care to empower parents and caregivers to have age-appropriate conversations with their children around sexuality, sexual abuse, and trauma healing.

WATCH THE VIDEO SERIES FEATURING LUBI KWENDEKWEMA ZULU & NAZ

TOPIC 1

UNDERSTANDING BODY AUTONOMY

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TOPIC 2

BUILDING CONNECTION WITH YOUR CHILD

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TOPIC 3

AFFIRMING YOUR CHILD THROUGH SUPERPOWERS

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TOPIC 4

RELEASING STRESS THROUGH BREATHWORK

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SETTING THE SPACE Come down to the child’s eye level. When an adult engages with a child from the same eye level, it gives the child a sense of safety, control, and being heard. During these sessions, kneel, or sit on a mat or comfortable chair with your child.

Face each other. In a group setting, adults and children can sit together in a circle on chairs, or preferably mats.

Be in a private and quiet setting with minimal interruptions to help establish safety.

Provide creative materials. Paper and colorful pencils, crayons, or markers can help you and your child process content visually.

TOPIC 1

UNDERSTANDING BODY AUTONOMY PLAY

INTRODUCTION Body autonomy means that children have control over their bodies. A child should know that they have a right over what happens to their bodies and that they shouldn't be coerced or forced into something they don’t want to do. When children have body autonomy, They will know that it’s their right to say “no” to touch that feels unsafe or unwanted, They will not be punished for saying, “no,” They will have the vocabulary to talk about their bodies and how their bodies feel, They will recognize signs of sexual abuse or grooming tactics and have the tools to tell a trusted adult.

PRACTICE TEACHING BODY AUTONOMY THROUGH THE PANTS RULE

PRIVATES ARE PRIVATE

Teach your child about their body through an image or diagram, Call private parts by their names so that children learn to refer to them as such. For example, penis and vagina. Model the concept that privates are private around the house. For example, Adults can ask for privacy when changing or showering, Adults can help the child learn to give others privacy by choosing to close the door or shower curtain when they are in the bathroom. Adults can tell a child that if they need help cleaning themselves after using the bathroom or taking a shower, to ask the adult for assistance.

Model consent by asking them: Can I come into your room? Do you need help putting your clothes on? Can I get a hug? Can I help you wipe your bum? Help them establish boundaries around their bodies and to be respectful of other people’s body boundaries, by saying: Does your friend want a hug? How does it feel when your teacher gives you a high five? Someone may not know how to say they don’t feel like hugging or kissing or holding hands. So it’s always best to ask them! Build allyship with your child by ensuring adults in their lives are respectful of your child’s boundaries. Ask adults to create space for your child to consent to hugs, kisses, physical touch, or other greetings. Have conversations with these adults beforehand so they are aware of the way things are done in your home. However, if someone crosses your child’s boundary in public and/or in front of them, try to have the conversation with that adult in front of your child. They will see this action as supportive and it will help them to build trust.

ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR BODY BELONGS TO YOU

NO MEANS NO

“No,” is a full sentence, and it’s okay to say “no.” Letting a child know that it's okay to say “no” or “I don't want…” to something they are not comfortable with helps them feel in control of their bodies which builds safety.

TALK ABOUT SECRETS THAT UPSET YOU

Teach about safe versus unsafe secrets. For example, keeping a surprise for someone’s birthday is a safe secret as it will not bring them harm, whereas if their cousin touches their private part and tells them not to tell anyone, it is an unsafe secret because it makes them feel afraid. Help them identify safe and trusted adults with whom they can speak with if they feel upset. This network should be people who are both related and unrelated to them, so the child feels that they have a broader community of support than just their family.

SPEAK UP, SOMEONE CAN HELP YOU

Assure them of your unconditional love and support. Consistently remind your child that you are there for them when they feel afraid, angry, or confused and that you will not blame or shame them if they tell you something that’s difficult to talk about. Find local service providers and resources available around trauma-informed parenting and survivor-care, Co-create a code word with your child that they can use in uncomfortable or unsafe situations.

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1. UNDERSTANDING BODY AUTONOMY

NEXT STEPS Identify safe and trusted adults in each area of their life: home, family, school, church, and community.

Place affirming posters on their wall to reinforce their sense of self, belonging, and autonomy.

Educate other trusted adults in their life to model body autonomy and safe touch to avoid confusion, establish trust, and reinforce safety.

FOR PARENTS OF SURVIVORS If your child has experienced any form of trauma or sexual abuse, you can help them through this process by: Extend grace to yourself by being gentle with yourself, practicing self-care, and finding time to do what brings you joy. Being in a healthy state of mind will help you be more present for your child. Be intentional about reinforcing support from mental health professionals for your child, yourself, and your immediate household members. Be mindful that these conversations can be triggering for both you, and your child. The child may become weepy, irritable, angry, defiant, and/or unwilling to listen. Practice gentle parenting by being compassionate and patient with your child and understanding that their behaviors are triggered by trauma. This takes time to heal. With the help of professionals, facilitate more psychoeducation around the importance of body autonomy. The approach will require a different level of intention and care for child survivors of sexual abuse. As your child grows into an adolescent and experiences the physiological and emotional changes that come with puberty and discovering one’s sexuality, etc., healing may take on different and necessary forms. Maintaining and reinforcing a strong foundation of open and transparent communication, ongoing help and support from mental health professionals, and conversations about their bodies and its evolving needs are very important.

1. UNDERSTANDING BODY AUTONOMY

TOPIC 2

BUILDING CONNECTION WITH YOUR CHILD PLAY

Building connection with your child means being intentional about putting love into every action. As a parent, it's very important to create unstructured and uninterrupted time to spend with your child. Unstructured time allows the child to set the pace and methods of building connection that is meaningful to them. Uninterrupted time helps your child know that quality time is important to you too. This allows you to get a glimpse into their day. They will feel more seen, heard, and valued. They will learn that their voice is important as they practice sharing their feelings, ideas, and opinions with you. Building connection with your child helps you know how best to support them.

PRACTICE ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILD TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES IN AGE APPROPRIATE WAYS Check-in with your child about their day. Listen to both positive and negative experiences they may have had. Use questions like: What’s made you feel really happy? What made you feel sad? As younger children are still developing their vocabulary, drawing helps them express themselves. Ask them to draw about their day. Take interest as they draw and ask questions that will help you understand what they are putting down: What is this? Who is this? What are they doing? Drawing helps children create images that they may not yet have vocabulary to express, or share feelings that are difficult to verbalize. LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD’S STORY TO BUILD A TRUSTING CONNECTION Building trust with a child is a key factor that may help to prevent child sexual abuse. By building trust with a child, the child may feel empowered to share if they feel unsafe in different interactions or around different people. The adult can then create a plan of action to stop abuse and work toward ensuring the child is in a safe and supportive environment (see the conclusion of this guide). Be fully attentive Put your electronic gadgets away for uninterrupted time, Look your child in the eyes as they speak, Watch for any verbal and non-verbal cues in the behavior and tone such as fidgeting, tears, or pauses. Wait for them to open up and allow them to explore their feelings with you. Listen to their story Prompt them with nods and verbal affirmations to let them know you’re listening, Allow them the time and space to share as much as they can without interrupting them, Center their story and experience without inserting your own judgments or opinions about the story they’re telling. Ask non-interrogating questions Clarify with questions that make them feel heard. For example, would you like to share with me how that made you feel? Clarify the assumptions you may have. For example, I thought you sounded very sad, did you feel sad at that moment? 2. BUILDING CONNECTION WITH YOUR CHILD

NEXT STEPS Schedule consistent and intentional time to build connection with your child.

Stay aware of what is happening around your child and your child’s own experiences so that you can help connect behaviors with potential difficult or traumatic experiences.

In cases where your child discloses something of concern, you can support them by reaching out for additional support. You can use your discretion as every situation is unique. Some possible support systems include: Your child’s teacher or school administrator, A child protection expert or organization such as a child welfare officer or community workers who support children, A medical or mental health professional.

FOR PARENTS OF SURVIVORS

For child survivors of sexual abuse, establishing their autonomy and decion-making power can help build connection. Allow them to choose a fun or engaging activity to build connection. Let them lead and teach you something new. Child survivors may disassociate from human interaction to protect themselves and to retain a sense of control. They may become depressed, anxious, and spend more time alone than in public. Establishing consistency and reinforcing unconditional love will help your child gain trust in the world again.

2. BUILDING CONNECTION WITH YOUR CHILD

TOPIC 3

AFFIRMING YOUR CHILD THROUGH SUPERPOWERS PLAY

INTRODUCTION Before the age of 12, children are trying to figure out their purpose in life. They are starting to explore and be industrious, and that can be a daunting task for them. Affirming your child through superpowers is a good way for parents to boost confidence in their children. Using the term, “superpower” as a metaphor for unique attributes that children possess can help them understand that differences aren’t something to be ashamed of, but something to be proud of.

PRACTICE RECOGNIZE ANCESTRAL HERITAGE

Teach your child about their lineage, culture, and family history to establish and increase their sense of belonging to a greater system. Teach your child about your family values to give them a foundation to build their unique identity.

LEARN UNIQUE INTERESTS

Connect with your child by learning about their interests, strengths, talents, and what gives them joy. Find out about their favorite cartoon characters or superheroes and what they like about them to spark conversations around their character, personality, and unique interests. Help your child identify what their superpower is based on the conversations around family and interests. This may be a personal trait that a child possesses or shows such as being kind, courageous, athletic, or musical.

SPEAK AFFIRMATIONS

Affirmations can be used as mantras that will keep children anchored in tough times. This could be drawn from their familial heritage or faith background. For example, a name or phrase in their familial dialect that holds meaning. Practice saying it with them and to them. Have them repeat after you and eventually say them out loud to themselves. Help them see the affirmations as an extension of themselves and their inherent self-worth. Encourage them to repeat affirmations in front of the mirror to anchor them when they go through difficult experiences or feelings.

3. AFFIRMING YOUR CHILD THROUGH SUPERPOWERS

NEXT STEPS Facilitate a “family values” exercise where everyone contributes to building values that the family will uphold together. Create a list and hang it in a common area where it can be seen and referred to.

Have your child write out their superpowers and affirmations. It can be as colorful as they want it to be. Hang it in their room or by the mirror so that they can see it and refer to it daily.

Be honest with your child if their experiences of trauma and abuse have happened within the family itself. Be patient in explaining that families are strong and complex and not everyone always behaves according to the ideals or values. Keep reinforcing the fact that even if your child cannot trust every single person in the family, they have supportive, loving, and warm adults whom they can trust that surround them.

For parents of foster children, If their family history is unknown, emphasize the beauty and uniqueness of their cultural history to foster identity and connection. Ask what memories or stories they have heard about their lineage. Be intentional in incorporating parts of their culture in the child's life through food, music, language, celebrations, and others who identify with that culture and can provide education, awareness, and perspective.

3. AFFIRMING YOUR CHILD THROUGH SUPERPOWERS

FOR PARENTS OF SURVIVORS Acknowledge the cultural, familial, and multi-generational trauma that exists within your family and lineage The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) defines historical trauma as “the cumulative, multigenerational, collective experience of emotional and psychological injury in communities and in descendants.” Be honest with your child if their experiences of trauma and abuse have happened within the family itself. Be patient in explaining that families are strong and complex and not everyone always behaves according to the ideals or values. Keep reinforcing the fact that even if your child cannot trust every single person in the family, they have supportive, loving, and warm adults whom they can trust that surround them. Normalize the experience of trauma and its associated feelings Abuse and harm are not okay—but the person who has experienced that harm is okay, and is a whole person made up of many more experiences, strengths, and dreams than their trauma alone. Remove the stigma from survivorship—there is often a misconception that one cannot experience trust, pleasure, and excitement in sexual relationships after having experienced abuse. Recognize your child as the expert in their own life and experience All children, regardless of past traumatic and/or abusive experiences have the right and opportunity to experience a healthy, thriving, and mutually satisfying sexual life. With survivors of trauma however, reframing certain experiences will take time, exploration, and patience. Be open to listening to their understanding of certain experiences and emotions and helping them—to the extent they feel comfortable—in reframing those experiences as they grow into adolescents. Be mindful of your own attitudes, biases, and “STUFF” Supporting a child who is a survivor of abuse is challenging. Confront your own attitudes and biases not only around abuse and assault, but around sex and sexuality itself. Sometimes, what are seen later in life as “risky behaviors” are coping mechanisms developed in early childhood as a result of trauma. Get the support you need from peers, friends, and mental health professionals so you can be as patient, kind, and open with your own child as possible. We all may have superpowers, but we are not superhuman. Acknowledging your limitations as a parent is the first step toward being able to find the right tools and support systems for your child.

3. AFFIRMING YOUR CHILD THROUGH SUPERPOWERS

TOPIC 4

RELEASING STRESS THROUGH BREATHWORK PLAY

INTRODUCTION Just like adults, children also experience anxiety and tension as they navigate their ever-changing lives. They may manifest trauma, unease, or confusion by showing aggression to peers, having trouble sleeping, being irritable, or even experiencing headaches and tummy aches. They need opportunities where they can unplug and let it all out. Providing a safe space where they are allowed and encouraged to talk about the difficulties they face and the feelings they are experiencing is imperative to their emotional health and growth. Deep breathing sends calming and relaxing messages to the brain. This is an intentional practice that is our essential life force—breathing. An adult can teach their child breathwork exercises so that they learn how to self-soothe, reduce anxiety, and remain grounded even when they are alone. Optional materials: balloons, bubbles, or feathers.

PRACTICE

DEEP INHALES THROUGH THE NOSE (4 COUNTS)

Allows more airflow into the body which provides calm, ease, and rest, As a child “listens” to themselves breath in, they are able to momentarily shift their mind from what was causing them anxiety Having them imagine that the relaxing air filling their lungs is filled with calm and peace is a great way to make the exercises relatable to them.

SLOW EXHALES THROUGH THE MOUTH (4 COUNTS)

For older children, imagine exhaling as if letting go of all their worries and concerns, For younger children, they can let go of their balloons as a simile to letting go of their stress. Or try blowing bubbles to imagine their worries floating away and disappearing as they pop! You can also try using feathers.Have them gently blow them away. As they gently blow, they are practicing intentional breathing.

4. RELEASING STRESS THROUGH BREATHWORK

NEXT STEPS Keep balloons, bubbles, or feathers accessible for your child in your home to be prepared to utilize these items to support your child through breathwork.

Practicing breathing exercises regularly with your child will help them learn how to do it by themselves, and may even help their younger siblings through the same.

When a child believes that they can manage their own anxiety, they may not panic as quickly when those feelings set in. Breathwork helps your child notice their emotions, and practice regulating their bodies as a response to anxiety.

A way to reinforce this behavior through body autonomy is to ask, “How does your breath feel in your body?”

FOR PARENTS OF SURVIVORS Survivors may experience chronic stress, anxiety, or depression as a result of the trauma they experienced. Connecting with their body through breathwork may be a triggering experience. In recognizing their reactive response to trauma, practice patience and meet your child where they are. Practice gentle parenting by acknowledging your child's feelings and the motivations behind their challenging behaviors as they may be triggered when connecting body to heart to mind, Practice the breathing exercises and explore other methods of relaxation that support your child, Seek professional mental health counseling for your child, yourself, and your household, Be intentional about keeping other caregivers informed of your child’s needs and how best to support them.

4. RELEASING STRESS THROUGH BREATHWORK

TAKE ACTION AGAINST CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE In learning that your child or a child close to you has been sexually abused, there will be many difficult emotions to process. There isn't one way to react—feelings may range from shock, to disbelief, to rage, to shame, or even numbness. Whatever emotions you experience as a parent or caregiver, know that they are valid and that you can seek help. There is no instruction manual for dealing with trauma, but there are ways to ensure that your child feels safe and heard.

TAKE ACTION If you discover that your child has experienced sexual abuse, here are some steps to take:

CONVERSE FROM A SAFE PLACE

Disarm your child by asking about their day and how they feel about what happened. Show them that you care about everything they get involved in whether or not they feel safe.

TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT IT

Be sure to talk to someone who can help you move forward, whether it be a parent, counselor, nurse, or law enforcement officer (see next page for the reporting process).

AFFIRM YOUR CHILD

Many children who have suffered abuse can not comprehend what abuse is and what caused it. Be sure to affirm that they are not at fault. Remind them, I love you I believe you. Thank you for telling me. What happened was not your fault. I will do everything I can to keep you safe. These affirmations teach a child that they can trust you. It reaffirms that your priority is to protect them, not their abuser.

PRACTICE SELF-CARE

As a parent or caregiver, you are devoting your full time and energy to supporting your child through their healing. But even as you care for your child, you still have healing taking place within yourself as well. Your healing presence will be amplified through your own self-care. Caring for yourself is a crucial first step as it will allow you to connect with your child from a place of self-awareness instead of directing any self-blame, anger, or shame toward your child. Self-evaluate any factors that may cloud your ability to stop abuse from happening such as staying in abusive power dynamics due to financial insecurity or cultural expectations. Evaluating your own blind spots may help shed light on your own trauma and healing journey that will also support your child. Receiving professional counseling for yourself will help you process, heal, and grow to make safer choices for yourself and your child.

TAKE ACTION REPORTING CHILD ABUSE IN THE US: If your child is in danger, you can call 911. If you don’t feel comfortable with calling the police due to personal reasons surrounding your own safety or that of your child, you can also call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) to talk to someone from your local sexual assault service provider who is trained to help. Call or text the Childhelp National Abuse Hotline at 800.4.A.CHILD(4454) any time, 24/7, to be connected with a trained volunteer who can help you through the process of reporting the crime. You can learn more about mandatory reporting laws in your state by visiting RAINN’s State Law Database. To speak with someone who is trained to help, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or chat online at online.rainn.org For more, read: "Help for Parents of Children Who Have Been Sexually Abused by Family Members" from RAINN.

TAKE ACTION REPORTING CHILD ABUSE IN KENYA: Get to a Safe Place Get away from where the abuse happened. Do not bathe your child or wash their clothes. If you change them, wrap the clothes in a newspaper or brown bag to preserve the evidence. Do not put them in a polythene bag. Seek Medical Assistance within 72 Hrs Go to the nearest hospital as soon as you can. Services should include: Post Rape Care (PRC) Form. The Medical officer or practitioner should fill out the PRC Form. Since this process involves an examination of the whole body (as guided by the national guidelines), it's important that you accompany your child to support their safety. There will be three forms: the white copy should be given to you for safekeeping, the yellow copy goes to the police, the green copy remains at the hospital. Counseling. Your child will be provided with counseling to support their ability to process in a safe environment. Treatment to prevent HIV (Post Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP), pregnancy, and STIs. Report the Incident to the Police You can have a friend or community worker accompany you. You should be issued with an OB number that you should keep safe. A medical examination report should be completed for free. In Kenya, it's commonly referred to as P3 Form. They will provide an officer who will be in charge of your case. For assistance, call the Kenya Police hotline: 911 Seek Counselling GVRC 0709 667 000 Niskize Counselling Services 0900 620 800 LVCT 800 720 121 Childline Kenya 116 Seek Legal Advice SMS HELP to FIDA 21661 SMS HELP to Wangu Kanja Foundation 21094 For more resources in Kenya, visit Freely in Hope.

TAKE ACTION REPORTING CHILD ABUSE IN ZAMBIA: Get to a Safe Place: Get away from where the abuse happened. Call Lifeline/Childline 116/933 for help. Preserve evidence. Do not shower. Wrap stained clothes in a brown bag. Do not cut your nails. Report the Incident to the Police within 72 Hrs Visit the nearest Police Station, Victim Support Unit. Be accompanied by witnesses, if any. Present the preserved clothing and other items with DNA from the incident. Tell the story of what happened and the police will write an official statement. A police report (Form 32b) will be issued for you to take to the hospital or clinic. Ensure that the report specifically states that it is a GBV case. Obtain a copy. A docket pending investigation will be opened and an arrest will be made based on evidence. If the perpetrator is a threat to your safety, go to the Magistrate Court to apply for a Restraining Order or Protection Order. Seek Medical Assistance within 72 Hrs Visit the nearest hospital or clinic. Present your police report (Form 32b) to the Medical Personnel. A physical examination will be done. A prescription to prevent STIs and HIV is given. The Medical Personnel will add to and certify the police report (Form 32b) for you to bring back to the police station. Seek Counseling StrongMinds Zambia 0964 635 602 YWCA 011 254751/235305/235307 Lifeline/Childline Zambia 933/116 Seek Legal Aid Women and Law in Southern Africa, Zambia (WLSA), 0977450034 National Legal Aid Clinic for Women, 097 966 503 For more resources in Zambia, visit Freely in Hope.

ABOUT THE CONTRIBUTORS JOAN NGARUIYA MENTAL HEALTH SPECIALIST

Joan’s great passion is working with people who have been through traumatic experiences. She supports their journeys toward healing—ultimately helping them rediscover themselves as strong dignified individuals. As the Mental Health Specialist at Freely in Hope, she brings with her over 10 years of experience. She believes in empowering survivors through varied trauma-informed interventions, to help raise the next generation of survivor-leaders who will champion the end of violence. Joan graduated Magna Cum Laude from Daystar University (Kenya) with a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology. She is certified in various therapy modalities like TF-CBT, and recently became a certified TRE provider®.

LUBI KWENDEKWEMA ZULU CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST

Lubi Kwendakwema Zulu is the Principal Clinical Psychologist of MNK Therapy in Lusaka, Zambia. Lubi was the first registered clinical psychologist in her country, holding a Bachelor’s Degree in Organisational Psychology and a Masters’ Degree in Clinical Psychology from the University of Cape Town. Lubi is passionate about promoting mental wellbeing and is constantly seeking new and relevant ways to care for her community. Her mission is to make mental health and wellness available to people in vulnerable communities.

TRIZAH GAKWA STRATEGIC GROWTH DIRECTOR

Trizah Gakwa is passionate about authentic, transformational leadership that sees the potential in people and organizations and courageously nurtures it. She has over 10 years of experience supporting the growth and sustainability of different organizations. As the Strategic Growth Director, she fosters a healthy team culture that anchors our work and provides strategic leadership to promote growth, build partnerships and sustain impact. Her first degree is a Bachelor of Commerce in Accounting and she is currently pursuing a Masters of Arts in Organizational Leadership. Of life's many gifts, she's really grateful for her children - 8 year old son and 4 year old daughter. She loves to dance her way through life!

MEERA SESHADRI GLOBAL HEALTH EQUITY SPECIALIST

Meera Seshadri, MSPH, is an artist, researcher, and storyteller. She has spent more than a decade working as a health communications consultant at the intersections of gender equity, sexual and reproductive autonomy, and adolescent health promotion. Meera believes passionately in the power of storytelling, using equity-centered design and public health theories of change to understand the impact of oppression and trauma on minoritized communities. She received her Master’s of Science in Public Health from the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health in adolescent health and development and health communication, and her bachelor's in global public health and development from The George Washington University's Elliot School of International Affairs. CREATED BY FREELY IN HOPE © 2022