Observer Satire Special Issue 5

Table of Contents

Dear diary,

Words from the She-EO

In times of crisis, despair, emotional distress or university-wide communications, sometimes it's better to digest the news a bit differently (do you see where I’m going with this?) In the real world, we may find ourselves becoming numb to the headlines from the publications that we follow. In the silly world, there’s room to crack a smile at some of the news, making it easier to consume some realities and entertain some hypotheticals.

The Observer publishes two special issues every academic year, each of which typically center themselves around a theme, with the issue’s content providing research and support to that theme. This satire issue is a bit different. From the bottom of my New Balances — a recent purchase that I bought with the hope of running some miles — to the top of my head, I sincerely hope you smile at least (at least) once while you read this issue. We like to think that we’re funny around here when we’re not doing our serious reporting and whatnot.

Take some time to relax, quit your job, flip through the pages and have a laugh. I’d say I’ll see you on the other side but that’s a bit creepy, don’t you think?

Sent from my iPhone, Maryam Beshara

Thinking of calling the number on the back of the van?

Snitches get stitches.

Rebranding Fordham

Rolls and Bowls is Not What You Think It Is

Fordham dining needs to change the deceptive name of this establishment

By ABBY GRUNZINGER Fun and Shames Editor

Similar to many other Fordham students, I was overwhelmingly delighted — and rather shocked — to hear that the university’s dining services were adding a new option to our collection of Lincoln Center culinary choices: Rolls and Bowls. We hadn’t even made it through the first week of school before I dragged my friends across campus to stock up on our own ‘rolls’ and ‘bowls’ for the next month or so.

You can imagine my extreme disappointment when we walked in and realized that there was not a single cheap pre-roll or novelty glass smoking bowl in sight.

Unfortunately, we discovered that Fordham Dining had given this store an upsettingly misleading title. Maybe it’s just me, but as a New York City college student, the first items that came to mind when I heard the words “rolls” and “bowls” were not sushi and poké. Usually, I’ll pick up some of my own rolls from this really sketchy guy in

Times Square who sells them for $5, and I got my bowl at a vintage boutique in Williamsburg run by a guy named Blaze. However, I was out of rolls and I’d tragically dropped my bowl down eight flights of stairs in the Leon Lowenstein Center, so I was in a pinch and figured this new place — that takes my official Fordham declining balance, no less — would be a great option.

Additionally, this new business would replace the rather infamous

SVK Kitchen — which, in addition to having an unexciting selection of food options, always bothered me because the “K” in “SVK” already stood for “Kitchen.,” So, calling it SVK Kitchen meant you were just calling it “Sous Vide Kitchen Kitchen.”

Thus, I was thrilled to learn about the change of pace that would come with the new establishment:

You can imagine my extreme disappointment when we walked in and realized that there was not a single cheap pre-roll or novelty glass smoking bowl (one with a ram’s head for the bowl

itself, maybe?!) in sight. Instead, some nice employees were asking what flavor bubble tea I wanted.

Leaving embarrassed and deceived, I did not feel like my “cura personalis” was being taken into account in this situation. Look, maybe it’s just me, but I think it’s high time that Fordham stops discriminating against people for whom ‘roll’ is a habitual verb and not a piece of raw fish wrapped up in seaweed.

We’re already a little confused and out of it all the time, so this kind of ambiguous branding feels prejudiced. Fordham, please do better.

Ram Café Undergoes Culinary Rehaul

Finally, the food is edible!

The catalyst for this change stemmed from the recent developments in the Fordham dining scene. The Marketplace dining hall in the recently remodeled Joseph M. McShane, S.J. Campus Center at the Rose Hill campus has been a welcome start, finally giving Bronx natives more dining options and tickling their taste buds. Meanwhile, over at the Lincoln Center campus, students are left with limited food options, thanks to the plethora of bars and restaurants in midtown Manhattan and the upper west side. While their counterparts at Rose Hill are indulging in gourmet dining experiences, Lincoln Center students are forced to fend for themselves in a gourmet wasteland of the fast food joints on 8th Avenue and bars in Hell’s Kitchen.

“I never thought I’d see the day when someone actually liked the food here,” Brock Lee, Fordham College at Lincoln Center (FCLC) ’25, a self-proclaimed vegan advocate and outspoken critic of the Ram Café’s culinary offerings, said. “I never thought I’d see the day when I’d actually look forward to using my meal swipes, but now I can’t get enough!”

When walking into the revamped space, the first thing visitors will notice is the décor — gone are the days of drab linoleum floors and fluorescent lighting. Exposed brick walls adorned with colorful graffiti murals give the space an urbanchic atmosphere, while sleek, modern furniture invites you to take a seat and stay awhile.

The vintage light fixtures cast a warm glow over the bustling dining area, creating an atmosphere that’s equal parts a trendy

restaurant and a cozy coffee shop. The Ram Café is now the kind of place where you expect to see a well-dressed influencer hunched over a laptop, sipping CBD kombucha and tapping away at the next great American novel.

Familiar Ram Café favorites have also undergone upgrades. Freshens now boasts an expansive fruit orchard where students can pick their produce, a smoothie bar stocked with exotic fruits and superfood supplements, and a juice bar where they can watch as their custom creations are blended to perfection.

Meanwhile, Burger & Fries has been transformed into a hibachi extravaganza, complete with live performances from master chefs who flip and sizzle their way through a dazzling array of Japanese-inspired dishes.

Both the South Lounge and Student Lounge remain intact in their fluorescent-lit, crusted carpet state, ready to host extraordinary events.

The pièce de résistance, however, is the newly added 24-hour dining plan. Students can now indulge their culinary cravings at any time of day or night, whether they’re craving a latenight snack or a gourmet meal to fuel a marathon study session. It’s a level of convenience that borders on decadence, but hey, this is college dining at its finest.

These changes were spearheaded by the university’s newly appointed vice president for feeding the hungry, Mark Ara. Ara drew inspiration from unusual sources, including latenight infomercials and redundant tastes.

“We really wanted to put

emphasis on the tilde,” Ara said. “If I wanted to see a ‘ram calf,’ then I’d go to the Bronx Zoo. I’m only dining at the Ram Café.”

Despite the visual overhaul, students reported that the food looked more or less the same.

Platters of indistinguishable globs sit atop the serving line, their origin unknown, their colors muted and their textures unappealing. Rubbery eggs wobble precariously on their plates while wilted lettuce leaves sag sadly in their bowls. It’s a visual feast in the truest sense of the word — but not in the way one might expect.

As the old adage goes, however, looks can be deceiving. Despite its less-than-appetizing appearance, the food at the Ram Café is surprisingly delicious. The rubbery eggs give way to a creamy, flavorful center bursting with cheesy goodness. The wilted lettuce leaves once scoffed at, reveal themselves to be crisp and refreshing, with a zesty dressing that adds a muchneeded kick of flavor. And those indistinguishable globs? Well, it turns out they’re actually a culinary masterpiece, with layers of complex flavors and textures that defy explanation.

Among the most surprising revelations is the newfound popularity of a previously unidentified and misshapen brown blob. Despite its questionable appearance, this enigmatic entree has won over even the harshest critics with its surprisingly delicious flavor and addictive texture.

“It looks like a compost heap, but trust me: one bite, and you’ll be hooked” Patty Melt, FCLC ’26, said.

In a bold move to further elevate the culinary offerings at the Ram Café, a representative from university dining services

wrote on a crumpled napkin that they will partner with the beloved halal truck — located on the corner of 60th Street and Columbus Avenue — that has long been a staple on the streets outside campus. But rather than simply bringing the halal truck to the students, they’re taking things a step further — by moving it inside the Ram Café itself. It’s a move sure to delight students who have long enjoyed

the flavorful and satisfying fare served by the halal truck, but with the added convenience and comfort of dining indoors.

As for the future of dining at Fordham University, only time will tell if the Ram Café’s newfound success is here to stay or just a flash in the pan. For now, students are enjoying every bite of the unexpected culinary delights that await them at their favorite campus eatery.

GRAPHIC BY TAE HONG/ THE OBSERVER

The university’s go-to destination for sushi and boba classics leads many astray with its misleading name.

GRAPHIC COURTESY OF TARA LENTELL/ THE OBSERVER

The Ram Café at Fordham’s Lincoln Center Campus has been overhauled with renovations.

GRAPHIC BY MEENA KABBANI/ THE OBSERVER

Guys, it's like really not what you think it is. RAM CAFE

The Observer and The Ram to Merge in a Fully Legal and Unsuspicious Manner

Both papers, which were once rivals of one-another are now combining their operations into a single publication, eliciting surprised reactions from students

By DANTE ALEJO Staff Jokester

The Office of Student Involvement announced the decision to merge the popular, intellectual, pioneering, essential and award-winning Lincoln Center-based paper, The Observer, with The Fordham Ram, the Rose Hill campus’ undergraduate publication. The decision has been promoted by a completely legitimate donation originating from an anonymous account in the Cayman Islands.

Fordham journalism isn’t foreign to the concept of new newspapers, as the Curved Horn, Later the Review and The Evex were the predecessors to The Observer.

As our god-kings work in mysterious ways, the future of Fordham-centered journalism is in flux. The news has left an overwhelming majority of the Fordham student and faculty body rocked and despondent.

obelisk of Robert Moses.

When approached for a statement while she was in her office scrolling through comments on her recent New York Times profile, University President Tania Tetlow responded with confusion.

“Who are you people?” she said. “How did you get into my office?”

“This is the worst thing to happen in the history of Lincoln Center,” Elias Ferris, Fordham College at Lincoln Center (FCLC) ’26, said while standing next to our beloved 8-foot-tall

An unnamed representative from Public Safety, present at the scene, also spoke at Tetlow’s office.

“You have the right to remain silent, everything you say can

and will be used against you,” they said.

Student body members reacted with shock, not at the merger but at the existence of the student press.

“We have a student newspaper?” Jacob Levinson, FCLC ’25, said.

“Wait, there are two student newspapers?” another student, David Cole Fordham College at Rose Hill ’27, said.

Clearly, the bombshell of the news has impacted the cognitive abilities of even the most astute members of the Ramily.

Staff members of The Observer were asked to comment. When asked if they had thoughts on the merger, The Observer E-Board released an official statement, “We do.”

The Fordham Ram declined to comment at this time.

The decision to combine has led to some expected creative struggles. A key point of contention was what website and branding to use. The Observer’s higher internet traffic, greater online presence and cutting-edge articles against The Fordham Ram half-century headstart.

After many negotiations, the two staff compromised and adopted The Observer as the name for the joint publication.

Still, questions arise, such as what tagline to keep between The Rams’: “Democracy dies in the lack of light,” or The Observer’s “Journalistic integrity is for cowards.”

To complete the merger, Fordham has hired the firm Kirkland and Ellis. To pay for the services, the university has decided to cut both the athletics and the humanities departments with an additional 4.4% increase in tuition for the 2024-25 academic year.

Following the merger, The Observer released a 40-page email detailing the logistics of the translation to ease confusion in the student body. The papers will now be published under one united system called The Ramserver.

To maintain logistical efficiency, all operations will be conducted as before, and independently of each other. The email probably had more things to say on the intricacies of the deal, but most readers lost interest around page seven.

While some commented, spending millions of dollars for a merger that only changes the name is clearly a money laundering front, most staff members of The Observer strongly disagree for legal reasons.

The new era of Fordham-based journalism has a bright future under the combined powers of the merger.

GRAPHIC BY MEENA KABBANI/ THE OBSERVER

The Art Scene

FCC Bans Men From Country Music

The regulatory agency announced the decision following a surge in consumer complaints about male mediocrity

B y ANA KEVORKIAN Former Managing Jokester

The Federal Communications Commission (FCC), the agency responsible for the regulation of radio transmissions, announced that it will indefinitely ban male artists from country music radio as of April 1. The agency noted that the drastic quality differential between men and women in country music prompted the regulation.

Country music fans have long noted the seemingly inverse gendered relationship between quality and industry recognition, with women being, on balance, more talented with less acclaim. By contrast, men dominate the country music industry despite their wide recognition by fans for being worse at producing music.

The bias against women (and conservative bias in general) in country music is longstanding, most famously illustrated by the radio blacklisting of The Chicks in 2003 after member Natalie Maines spoke out against the Iraq War and George W. Bush. After Maines said “We do not want this war, this violence, and we’re ashamed that the president of the United States is from Texas,” country music stations declined to play the group’s music.

Fellow country star and self-described patriot Toby Keith then began personally feuding with the group, displaying a photo of Maines next to Saddam Hussein at his concerts. Keith went on to perform at former President Donald Trump’s inauguration in 2016 before his death in February 2024.

Despite their political differences, both The Chicks and Keith will be unaffected by the ban — Keith because he is dead, and The Chicks because they are talented.

By ANNA SCHURR Staff Jokester

A country music radio executive, who requested anonymity due to fear of professional retaliation, noted that the industry has artificially propped up white male artists due to its alignment with conservative politics, in spite of the popular tastes of audiences.

“We’ve gotten complaints about it for years,” the executive said. “But ultimately, our investors have an interest in maintaining a conservative image, and we respond to that.”

The announcement sparked widespread reactions among the Fordham community, particularly among Rams who enjoy country music.

Pat Myaz, Fordham College at Lincoln Center (FCLC) ’26, expressed her excitement about the regulation, explaining that she had been forced to actively seek out women’s music rather than simply turning on the radio.

“Kacey Musgraves, Kelsea Ballerini, Taylor Swift, Beyoncé, Shania Twain, et cetera, et cetera. It’s beyond clear that women just make better music,” Myaz said. “I just don’t want to listen to the 85th variation of the same boring white man singing about how much he likes to look at boobs.”

Aspiring country music star Ella Gant, FCLC ’24, noted her excitement at having an increased chance of a breakthrough in the industry.

“I thought my chances were low, to be honest, or that I’d have to incorporate more pop influences than I really want to,” Gant explained. “Now I know I can focus on true country music, without having to worry about being outshone by yet another ‘I Love Beer and the U.S.A.’ song.”

Despite the overwhelming popularity of the new regulation, a minority of country music fans expressed disappointment.

The FCC’s decision has made a number of country fans realize just how many female country artists are out there.

Drew Peacock, Gabelli School of Business at Lincoln Center ’27, said he prefers to listen to music by men because “women’s issues” are not relatable or familiar to him.

“I’ve never talked to a woman up close,” Peacock said. “Why would I want to listen to music by one of them?”

Despite admitting to never having interacted with a woman, Peacock went on to describe his view that “the only things women care about are cooking, cleaning and watching ‘The Bachelor’ — and that’s how I like it.”

While the regulation may alienate certain sectors of the country music fan base, FCC regulators remain optimistic that the policy will have an overall positive impact on the media landscape.

‘The Bachelor’ Fakechise

“What is right isn’t always what’s popular,” FCC chair Jessica Rosenworcel said. “Men have lost their music-making privileges. Someone needed to intervene.”

Let’s expose the beloved brand of the ever-flourishing reality series ‘The Bachelor!’

going on the show saying they have the “purest intentions y’all.”

“The Bachelor” is something we have all heard about. I mean, how could you not? With 28 seasons, and counting, of 30 women dating one man, you’ve had to have come across a meme on your Instagram Explore page while on your sixth straight hour of intense, uninterrupted scrolling.

But if you live under a rock or in outer space, let me enlighten you. The show revolves around one man’s connection with 30 Southern sorority alumni, each

Well, I guess that means they aren’t only on the show to become a D-list celebrity. Living off brand partnerships rather than a 9-5 is appealing to them, but being hand-picked out of a large pool of girls to become this man’s brideto-be sounds even better.

The show has to be anti-feminist or maybe even worse. But it’s not because there is this show called “The Bachelorette” where, in turn, 30 men date one woman. By only making shows that showcase a gender binary, television

is really stepping up its levels of inclusivity and representation. All the while, producers don’t have the men hold hands, jumping up and down while simultaneously screaming, “We love you, Joey!”

The show “Survivor” has produced more married couples than the entirety of “The Bachelor” franchise.

The show monopolizes its genre: dating game show. Yes, that’s a whole genre now. And some would even say, it monopolizes the reality television genre entirely. But how much of this franchise is reality?

The show “Survivor” has produced more married couples than the entirety of “The Bachelor” franchise. I know what you’re thinking; I didn’t think “Survivor” was a dating show. That’s because it’s not.

“Survivor” is a reality game show where contestants are stranded on a remote island competing in physically straining challenges until a final contestant receives a cash prize. Maybe it’s the shared experience of battling the elements together, or

perhaps it’s the absence of forced cocktail parties, that brings contestants together in a lawful, trauma-bonded union.

So, what is the pitfall of “The Bachelor” series relationships? Is it the seven-week courtship before an engagement? Is it the spectacle of manufactured drama? Is it the quest for love that is overshadowed by the pursuit of screen time, Instagram followers and sponsored content deals?

Let’s be real here — if you were truly looking for love, would you sign up to compete with dozens of other women in a mansion, all vying for the attention of one man who’s probably just in it for the free vacations and fleeting fame? I think not. As long as there are rose ceremonies and tearful confessions of undying love, people will keep tuning in because, deep down, audiences secretly love it.

GRAPHIC BY ISABELLE PETERSEN/ THE OBSERVER

GRAPHIC BY GIADA EVANGELISTA/ THE OBSERVER

Looking for true love doesn’t happen on reality television in a mansion full of people, even if the main attraction is a hunky Italian guy named Joey.

GRAPHIC BY TARA LENTELL/ THE OBSERVER

would you date someone alongside 29 other people?

Make Way: ‘Seinfeld’ is Coming to Fordham

The Lincoln Center campus will shut its doors in May to allow for the lauded television series to indefinitely use its grounds as a filming set

By MATTHEW QUIRINDONGO Contributing Jokester

A pillar of national television is making its way to Fordham’s Lincoln Center campus. Beginning in May 2024, Fordham will be leasing out its satellite campus for the filming of “Seinfeld: The Reboot.”

“Seinfeld” revolves around Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer as they go through the

small things of daily life. The show typically begins with a standup joke from Jerry that alludes to the events of the episode. At the end of the original series, the main cast was stuck in a jail cell, and now things are about to get interesting.

“ I cannot believe this is actually happening at my campus. It feels like a Festivus miracle. ”

Jerome Newman, FCLC ‘25

The reboot is looking to teach the gang a lesson and that lesson will be at Fordham University. As per Wolff Productions, the company backing the project, the new reboot revolves around Jerry and the gang going back to school as part of their agreement with the court once they are

released from jail. Wolff Productions had been hoping to record in an area amid New York City, ensuring that the reboot was still within the heart of Manhattan just as its predecessor once did. The production company also wanted to be near the Upper West Side, where the original show was based, so the location of Lincoln Square checked all the boxes.

Securing such a deal was something that was

out of the ordinary. Wolff Productions had told all possible collaborators that this contract would have to be won through a comedy contest. As a result, Fordham sent theater students over to Wolff Productions to make the executives laugh until they could not breathe. Some of the department’s students had beaten out “Bania Comedy Company” and “Costanza and Co.” to secure the contract.

In a press conference

with the production company on March 15, University President Tania Tetlow said that she was “ecstatic” about this opportunity.

“We are so excited that Fordham has this opportunity to be a part of the wonderful world of Seinfeld,” Tetlow said. “Our theater students secured this deal for us and we couldn’t be any prouder.”

The news of the “Seinfeld” reboot coming to Fordham has

While the new ‘Seinfeld’ reboot will explore new themes on Fordham’s campus, it will also use Fordham’s campus to repirse many of its famous sets.

Argo, a Fordham Lincoln Center favorite, will now be serving a ‘Big Salad’ in honor of Julia Louis-Dreyfus’ character Elaine Benes.

caused students across campus to be filled with enthusiasm and anticipation.

fellow students to their professors.

A student was seen throwing his hands in the air, screaming as he exited the library. When asked what was going on, the student, John Puddy, felt that he had no motivation to study.

“Why even bother?

“ What’s the point? I love ‘Seinfeld,’ but these reboots never pan out. I bet the luck of this reboot runs amok and Jerry comes out the schmuck, tainting his classic show to make a quick buck ”

One student, Jerome Newman, Fordham College at Lincoln Center (FCLC) ’25, is a huge “Seinfeld” fan. The moment Newman was told about the reboot, his eyes widened with glee.

“I cannot believe this is actually happening at my campus,” Newman said. “It feels like a Festivus miracle.”

Another student began to laugh hysterically when he heard the news. Cosmo Whatley, FCLC ’24, began to name as many “Seinfeld” references as he could, and did not slow down after he named every single character’s surname.

“Of course the biggest news that I could ever hear happens here when I am graduating. That’s a shame! Get it? That’s a shame?” Whatley said.

Not all students are excited by this news, however, with some suspecting that this reboot at the Lincoln Center campus is just a bunch of “hoopla.” Although the campus will be closed in May, some students believe that it could interfere with their studies because it could distract everyone around campus, from

I’’ve lost hope in my studies,” he said. “The campus is gonna be closed and it’s hard to focus on studying anyways, so the key to happiness is hopelessness, this indifference helps me forget.”

Another student, Lawerence Daveed, FCLC ’26, complained about the idea entirely.

““What’s the point? I love ‘Seinfeld,’ but these reboots never pan out,” he said. “I bet the luck

of this reboot runs amok and Jerry comes out the schmuck, tainting his classic show to make a quick buck.””

Jason Allen, FCLC ’26, had taken the news with a grain of salt.

“I have no idea how to react. I think this kind of stuff can be a nuisance. You hear stuff like this and think that it is just a bunch of yada yada,” Allen said.

The excitement is not only limited to students. There are those amongst Fordham faculty who remember watching the original series and are thrilled to see the iconic show make its way to campus. One such administrator is Elaina Dreyfuss, who was a diehard fan of the show when it first

aired on NBC.

“I love this show so much! I love the episode where the cook said, ‘“No soup for you!’”

The soup spot from the show is just around the corner!,” Dreyfuss said.

“‘Seinfeld’ is not only restricted to its fictional

world, but it also has connections to landmarks right by campus.”

It seems that “Seinfeld” has officially taken over Fordham before filming has started, and its influence is felt all around campus. As the days toward May inch ever closer, the hype around the new “Seinfeld” reboot is sure to increase. Only time will tell, but the growing enthusiasm around this reboot seems to predict a success trajectory.

Lawerence Daveed, FCLC ‘26

Jason Alexander seen on the Fordham Lincoln Center plaza.

Tetlow in the News

Welcome, Archie!

President’s Retriever enrolls at Fordham’s Lincoln Center campus

By SAM BRACY Staff Writer

Joining an illustrious list of attendees and a renowned alumni network which includes singer Lana Del Rey, FCRH ’08 and former President Donald J. Trump, Archie Tetlow, University President Tania Tetlow’s dog, announced his acceptance to Fordham University by an early decision application.

“ Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof bark bark bark, ”

The golden labrador will join the class of 2029 (57 in dog years) and is expected to declare a prelaw major. In an interview with The Observer, Archie expressed his excitement at the opportunity to study at Fordham.

“Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof,” he said, wagging his tail. “Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof bark bark bark.”

After passing the bar exam, Archie wants to represent non-profit organizations that support the humane treatment of animals.

According to Tetlow, Archie is a passionate opponent of animal testing.

University President Tania Tetlow, Archie’s mother, explained that Archie had described how his decision to study law was inspired by her own experience as a federal prosecutor in New Orleans, Louisiana. She added that after passing the bar exam, Archie wants to represent non-profit organizations that support the humane treatment of animals. According to Tetlow, Archie is a passionate opponent of animal testing.

“It just makes him feel sick, what these tests do to animals. Especially the curved ones,” Tetlow said.

Archie’s future classmates had mixed feelings about their new furry peer.

“Another pre-law student? At least he’ll be fun to be around,“

Jorge Bergoglio, FCLC ’25, said Aside from classes which will prepare him to pursue his juris doctor, Archie said he looked forward to studying animal ethics and hands-on biology labs to satisfy his core requirements.

“I just hope he is well fed before he comes into any of my classes,” J. Alan Clark, an associate professor of biology specializing in avian ecology, said.

Archie’s admission follows a series of announcements outlining planned renovations that will make the Lincoln Center campus more accessible for “all medium to large mammals.” The planned renovations include dog doors to classrooms, (slightly) adjusted Ram Café cuisine and refitting an elevator in the Leon Lowenstein Center’s lobby to be “just for fourlegged students.”

Some students have criticized the planned renovations in light of Archie’s admission. One student, FCLC ’24 who requested anonymity, due to fears of the social isolation that follows publicly disliking dogs,

said that money raised by the recent tuition hikes appeared to underwrite the planned animal accommodations.

“They just added two thousand dollars to my bill so Tetlow’s dog can take philosophy of human nature” the student said. “What does he care about ‘human nature?’”

According to Bob Howe, associate vice president for communications and special adviser to the president, Tetlow denied that the undergraduate tuition increase payments were being allocated to benefit her pet.

“While I am thrilled that Archie will be joining the Fordham community this fall, these new constructions were proposed and funding was allocated before we received his admission decision,” Tetlow said. “I’m just very proud of him.”

Howe also denied that Archie’s relationship to Tetlow influenced the decision to admit him.

“No, no nepotism at all,” Howe said. “It’s not like it’s that hard to get in anyway.”

Some have raised concerns that Archie could endanger other members of the Fordham community. Specifically, the cats.

Roxanne Bonilla, community caretaker of the feral cats living at Fordham’s Rose Hill campus flagged the threat Archie may pose to the cats under her care.

“Probably they would be fine,” Bonilla said, referring to the feral cats. “They’re hardened survivalists and he’s a pampered house-pup. But better safe than sorry right?”

Hopefully, all the members of Fordham’s community, whether they be human, cat, dog or otherwise, can coexist in peaceful academic collaboration. Only September will tell whether or not Archie’s education will throw the university into disarray.

Archie Tetlow, Class of 2029

Tetlow Evicts Swim and Dive Teams

Messmore Aquatic Center will now be used as Tetlow’s personal pool, forcing the Rams to train in the Hudson

By AURELIEN CLAVAUD Asst. Athlete Watcher

The Fordham men’s and women’s swimming and diving teams officially became fish out of water on the morning of Thursday, March 21 when University President Tania Tetlow announced in an email sent to community members that the Col. Francis B. Messmore Aquatic Center would be repurposed for her own personal use. By noon, the natatorium was closed to all visitors.

The announcement launched a tidal wave of outcry from the men and women’s teams, who recorded 8-1 and 9-0, respectively, in their 2023-24 seasons. According to Samuel Plash, head of communications for the teams, both groups felt insulted at the news since they are “a well known and greatly respected sport on campus.” This claim could not be independently verified. Meanwhile, the administration’s email explained the extent of the repurposing.

“We are excited to announce that President Tetlow will be taking synchronized swimming classes to support her mental health,” the email to Fordham students and faculty explained. “As such, Tetlow asked that the aquatic center be permanently closed to the student body and our swim teams in order to ensure the safety and security of the President.”

A white Tesla, believed to be Tetlow’s personal vehicle, was spotted executing a hurried parking job in Tom Wilken’s — interim head coach of the swimming and diving teams — reserved space shortly after the announcement.

Publicity images of her arrival were published on the official Fordham Athletics page on X, formerly known as Twitter, captioned: “A new era of Fordham swimming! The first ever university president to seize an entire athletics facility!”

This drew the ire of some parents, whose outspoken criticism made a splash on the “Fordham Moms” Facebook group later that day.

“ We are confident that the swim team can still find ways to train. We spoke today with interim head coach Wilkens and agreed that the Hudson is wonderful this time of year. It was a productive meeting all around. ”

Brooks Rivers, Administrative Assistant to the Assistant of the Vice President for Communications

“I mean, why should I believe my kid is going to have any chance of success at Fordham University if the president can’t demonstrate better parking skills?” Flavia Ipperson, mother of a new student on a scholarship with the swimming and diving team, said. “I’m not worried about my child’s swimming career, there’s water all around New York, but I expect the

president to show a better example in terms of practical values.”

Following the shocking news, a large contingent of Fordham swimmers took to protesting outside the natatorium, brandishing signs such as “Justice for the Swim Team!” and “Our Pool, Our Rules!” A handful of other students showed out to support the beached athletes, taking photos and pouring water on their heads in solidarity.

Two members of the Fordham Graduate Student Workers Uunion were also in attendance. The graduate students affirmed their commitment to the union’s demands, using a megaphone to declare to passing students that “all those undermined by the administration should unite.”

Tetlow’s office did not respond to the gatherings, citing concerning remarks by some of the protestors and a lack of ethical integrity on the part of the administrators. According to Brook Rivers, administrative assistant to the assistant of the vice president for communications, Fordham is instead focusing its messaging on the bright future that this change heralds.

“We are confident that the swim team can still find ways to train,” the official said. “We spoke today with interim head coach Wilkens and agreed that the Hudson is wonderful this time of year. It was a productive meeting all around.”

Tetlow was allegedly not in attendance during the meeting for the future of the swim team, as unconfirmed social media footage showed her “splashing around” and singing her rendition of the national anthem inside the

natatorium on Thursday afternoon.

Despite all of this, the swim team’s frustration may be temporary. The coaching staff went about their business preparing for the next season and spoke very little about the change. Wilkens hosted an impromptu press conference to briefly address the issue.

“It’s just the way things go, but we keep our heads up,” Wilkens told reporters. “I think this may do us some good. We need a challenge and the water around the city offers us a new way to improve our performance.”

Wilkens joined his teams later that evening to share the upcoming

training regimen, including a six-hour endurance swim in the Kennedy Reservoir and a “Sully Special” Hudson River sprint. According to an email exchange provided by Wilkens, the teams were granted conditional authorization to use the Hudson for training by the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey. On every Tuesday hereout, from 4 to 8 p.m., the New York side of the river will be shut down to commercial traffic. With these big changes, the teams will certainly look and perform differently — the Messmore Aquatic Center may never be the same, but most people on campus won’t even notice.

University President Commissions Self-Portrait

In the face of an imminent tuition hike to commission the artist, the move faced outcry from students and was praised by administration

Undergraduate tuition, food and housing costs will increase by 4.4% for the 2024-25 academic year to finance University President Tania Tetlow’s self-commissioned oil portrait, according to an email sent to the Fordham community from John Buckley, vice president of enrollment, on March 13. The portrait will be hung up permanently in the Ildiko Butler Gallery

the Lincoln Center campus.

“ When I told her that portraits, especially oil portraits, were ridiculously expensive these days, she was initially discouraged. But then, a couple days later, she came back to me with the idea of raising tuition to offset the expense. Controversial, but effective. ”

‘24

Lowenstein building, Tetlow reportedly expressed to numerous administrative figures that her historical tenure, as the first laywoman to serve as president of Fordham University, deserved to be honored in a similar fashion.

“When I told her that portraits, especially oil portraits, were ridiculously expensive these days, she was initially discouraged,” Ava Maxwheel, art history professor, said. “But then, a couple days later, she came back to me with the idea of raising tuition to offset the expense. Controversial, but effective.”

According to Maxwheel, Tetlow also asked for the portrait to be financed through university funds. In an email addressing undergraduates, the president noted that: “Filing taxes on artwork is incredibly complicated and expensive, even given my undisclosed — but robust — salary. The university’s accountants contacted me and offered to take a stab at it, and in exchange, I’ll allow for the portrait to be housed and admired at the Lincoln Center campus.”

Tetlow chose modern Baroque-inspired and famed portraitist, Raul Karsten to paint her. Trained at the Milan Art Institute, Karsten’s portfolio work includes a series of portraits of widely-known, yet controversial, institutional figures within the American university system. His previous work includes portraits of endowment managers from different mid-size colleges — from the University of Texas at Austin to Syracuse University. According to Maxwheel, Karsten and Tetlow met over coffee at Blank

Street Coffee this past week to begin the thought process of this portrait.

The news of this commissioned painting was not well-favored by Fordham’s student body.

“ Listen we may be seeing our university’s national ranking tank continuously, year after year, but Tania Tetlow is a girlboss. ”

“I get it, she’s a famous prosecutor and she brought a lot of attention to the Fordham community, but that honestly means nothing to me when I can only afford to spend $30 a week at Trader Joe’s,” Nina Leahy, Fordham College at Lincoln Center (FCLC) ’25, said. “It’s tough to like Tania Tetlow when all I know is that she has an undisclosed salary and our tuition has increased by 10% over the past two years.”

According to recent research, up to 29% of college students across the United States reported experiencing food insecurity and hunger in the past 30 days.

At a time when inflation is rapidly increasing and basic necessities are becoming less affordable for most families, it’s confusing to see why Tetlow and the rest of Fordham’s administration saw it fit to increase housing and food

tuition prices for undergraduate students.

“Her outfits are great though, I will give her that,” Leahy, a fashion studies major, said. “Nice shoes, great silhouettes.”

However, some Fordham students had more positive interpretations of Tetlow’s new decision.

“Listen we may be seeing our university’s national ranking tank continuously, year after year, but Tania Tetlow is a girlboss,” Riley Seaborn, FCLC ’24,

said. “And I don’t care if I’m going to be in crippling debt for the rest of my adult life, as long as she gets her damn painting.”

Tetlow is scheduled to begin sitting for Karsten’s portrait on March 23, and it is estimated to be finished over the summer, before the start of the 2024-25 academic year. There are tentative plans to feature an unveiling of the portrait in the Butler Gallery in August. Tickets will be announced soon and available for purchase via Ticketmaster.

B y ADITI PRAVEEN KARIYANHALLI Farts & Culture Editor

at

Inspired by the portrait of former University President Reverend Laurence J. McGinley, S.J., located in the lobby of the Leon

Riley Seaborn, FCLC ‘24

GRAPHIC BY CLAIRE SEKA/ THE OBSERVER

The president will now splish-splash freely in what used to be the training grounds for the university’s swim and dive teams.

GRAPHIC BY JOSHUA AUSKALNIS/ THE OBSERVER

Famed Baroque-inspired painter Raul Karsten was commissioned for the portrait, which is set to be displayed at the Ildiko Butler Gallery.

Riley Seaborn, FCLC

Famous Fordham Faces

Prospective Gabelli Student Barron Trump Spotted Touring Fordham

Son of former President Donald J. Trump said he is honored to consider his father’s former university for his undergraduate studies

By ALEXA VILLATORO Fake News Editor

Barron Trump, son of former university student and the 45th president of the U.S. Donald J. Trump, has been spotted as a part of a group of students on an official guided tour of Fordham Lincoln Center (FLC) and the Gabelli School of Business at Lincoln Center (GSBLC) on Friday, March 15.

Three Secret Service agents escorted Trump throughout the university’s Manhattan campus. The Observer received scandalous tips of Trump seen ordering a dirty chai with coconut boba pearls and a raspberry cream cheese danish at Argo Tea. Reports from students say Trump later tossed the remains of his food inside the GSBLC trading room.

Sporting a pair of black, cat eye sunglasses and Adidas Sambas, one might have confused Trump for an ordinary Lincoln Center student. Towering about three heads too tall above everyone else and a thicker version of his father’s unruly hairdo, Trump’s identity was quickly revealed by passersby.

Gab Bellibro, GSBLC ’25, said that while sitting in the Leon Lowenstein lobby, he had seen an unusually tall figure enter the front entrance, followed by three large men in suits and walkie-talkies. Although he had initially dismissed it as a celebrity, it was the suppleness of Trump’s lips and piercing blue eyes that made him realize who he had just seen.

“I mean, you couldn’t confuse him with anyone else,” Bellibro said. “He was so tall too, like someone needs to recruit him for the basketball team because I know he’d actually take us to national championships with some crazy dunks.”

In an exclusive interview with The Observer, Trump sat down with reporters to discuss his higher education plans following his upcoming graduation from Oxford Academy in West Palm

Beach, a short distance from his father’s Mar-a-Lago resort.

Trump stated he was accepted to GSBLC for the regular decision cycle, with academic and needbased scholarships covering the full cost of his attendance. He is also considering the Wharton School of Business at the University of Pennsylvania, to which he was accepted on the early action decision cycle with a much smaller financial aid offer.

“Ever since my daddy declared bankruptcy a couple of weeks ago, I am looking at Fordham to continue his legacy and tremendous impact of the Trump Organization across the world since they have offered to cover nearly the entire cost of my degree,” Trump said. “But I am still looking at Wharton, which of course, offers an allaround better quality education.”

He added that while he is enthusiastic about committing to Fordham with an interest in concentrating in global finance and business economics, he is concerned about the quality of student services and overall campus resources.

“The school looks dilapidated, the crowded elevators and filthy classroom chairs in student lounges makes this place look like one of those dirty, third world countries my daddy called out a couple years ago during his 2016 presidential campaign,” Trump said.

Barron Trump claimed he would provide a generous family donation to the university to renovate parts of the Lincoln Center campus should he commit to Fordham, out of concern that the university in its current state is not a suitable academic environment for his learning.

He added that he was not interested in studying at the Rose Hill campus, like his father had, due to his interest in the fashion-forward and creative crowd at Lincoln Center.

According to a statement provided by the office of undergraduate admissions, Trump’s

acceptance to Fordham was not influenced by his father’s attendance. Donald J. Trump attended Fordham College at Rose Hill from 1964-66 before transferring to Wharton in 1966 to complete his degree in economics.

The office of undergraduate admissions emphasized that Trump would be a special addition to the university, pointing to the knowledge in economics and business he has gained by working under his father and Trump’s desire to expand his education in the liberal arts.

“What most excites me about Fordham is the ability to take business coursework so that I receive a world-class education to lead my daddy’s organization in the near future,” Trump said. “But I would also love to immerse myself in coursework on fashion, culture and even learn Spanish.”

Trump excitedly added that as he becomes more familiar with his father’s political work, he will be making recurring visits to the U.S.-Mexico border upon what he

calls Donald J. Trump’s “certain re-election,” and that learning Spanish would aid in his ability to really connect with migrants and their personal experiences.

Bob Howe, vice president of communications and special adviser to the president, said that Trump’s secret service companions would not create a classroom disruption despite voiced concerns from students and faculty, and that Trump would receive special online accommodations for much of his coursework and exams.

“Due to his safety, the university will provide flexibility with Trump’s in-person attendance to make sure he can equitably attain a Fordham education,” Howe said.

There is no question about the disproportionate discrimination that wealthy, white Americans are facing across the country right now, especially celebrities who struggle with their visibility and day-to-day tasks without the peering eyes of the poor.

During his tour, pictures of Trump show him interrupting a class in the GSBLC trading room

by jumping up and down, banging his head on the ceiling when the S&P 500 dropped by nearly 10 points, and momentarily passing out. Secret Service agents accompanying Trump quickly vacated the area, drawing firearms and shouting at students and faculty in the halls to back away.

After replenishing at the Ram Café, Trump later continued his tour, passing by The Observer office with a grimace for its sympathetic portrayal of unions and asylum seekers. Trump also visited the sixth floor of the Leon Lowenstein Center, where he sat in on a conflict analysis and resolution class — he was engulfed in an argument on how the United States must invest more funds in the state of Israel in order to save and preserve American order.

“I am really looking forward to making a decision on where I will attend university next year,” Trump said. “And I think Fordham is a strong contender for me given the many students who are also wealthy and privileged, sharing my perspective on the world.”

Fordham Football Commissioned by Jesuit Daily Newspaper to Participate in Annual Calendar

The collaboration represents the latest NIL deal for Fordham athletes, desperate to try and cash in on a lucrative payday

By CHRIS MURRAY Head Athlete Watcher

On Feb. 30, Ed Kull, director of intercollegiate athletics, announced that the Fordham football program would be partnering with the Jesuit Daily Newspaper, America’s sixth most-read Jesuit publication, to have its players model for its annual calendar. In what has been called one of the largest Name, Image and Likeness (NIL) deals in Fordham’s history, each participating Ram will receive tens of dollars.

Fordham Athletics has noted that this collaborative effort will connect the team to its Jesuit roots while also providing publicity for the football program, with team officials sharing that they hope to draw in recruits from the many high school football players who avidly read the Jesuit Daily Newspaper. The announcement has not come without controversy, however, as rival Jesuit publication, The Ignatian Post, offered

another sweeping NIL deal and was reportedly furious that the program opted to decline. In the rejected proposal, Fordham football players would have been included in the publication’s upcoming football video game, “Jesuit Kickoff,” a game featuring only Jesuit football programs that will be released for the GameCube, Atari and PlayStation 2 in early 2025.

Further controversy emerged when a proposed photo for the calendar shoot was leaked, which showed an anonymous Ram flexing and holding a football while donning priestly garb. The leak infuriated some conservative sects of the faith, with some calling the partnership “a despicable abomination.”

Unfazed, the Jesuit Daily Newspaper intends to complete the shoot in order to attract new demographic groups to its readership, particularly all 150 Fordham football fans. Such an expansion would increase the paper’s reach nearly tenfold and could keep the

sixth-largest Jesuit publication in operation for years to come.

The Jesuit Daily Newspaper intends to complete the shoot in order to attract new demographic groups to its readership, particularly all 150 Fordham football fans.

Kull reportedly expressed concern that such a deal could impact the mentality of the team going into next season. There is a fear that players could become pompous or arrogant after landing such a lucrative deal or that players could abandon their football careers to work with Jesuit Daily Newspaper full-time.

When asked about their feelings on the big news, Danger Boots, Fordham College at Lincoln Center ’25 said, “We have a football team?”

Regardless of any controversies or trepidations, the collaboration

represents a new era in NIL deals for Fordham. Whichever organization decides to follow up this lucrative deal will have big shoes to fill, as the Rams have established themselves as a major player in the NIL landscape.

GRAPHIC BY TARA LENTELL/ THE OBSERVER

The youngest son of the 45th President, Barron Trump, attended a tour of Fordham’s Lincoln Center Campus.

GRAPHIC BY TARA LENTELL/ THE OBSERVER

The Jesuit Daily collaborated with the Fordham football Rams for something that you may or may not hang up in your home.

Lana Del Rey Spotted Working at Ram Café

The popstar was seen picking up a shift at Freshens on Fordham University’s

Clad in a black visor, hairnet and apron, the 11-time Grammy nominee seamlessly blended in behind the counter at Freshens, a campus favorite spot for weekday lunches. However, word of Del Rey’s presence quickly spread, and the Ram Café was soon packed with students hoping to catch a glimpse of the pop star serving up salads, rice bowls and crunchadillas.

“ I was honestly very disappointed by the quality of the salad, but I can’t deny that it was quintessentially Lana Del Rey. ”

This is not Del Rey’s first foray into the food service industry. Back in July 2023, she was seen working at a Waffle House in Florence, Alabama, where she served one customer a Coke and an empty cup for chewing tobacco. Unlike her brief stint at Waffle House, however, Del Rey worked tirelessly throughout the entire post-1 p.m. class lunch rush to serve hungry Fordham students at Freshens.

Besides the excitement of having a Del Rey salad, Ramsey also had other opinions to share on her food.

“I was honestly very disappointed by the quality of the salad,” Ramsey said. “But I can’t deny that it was quintessentially Lana Del Rey.”

Ramsey was not the only student who had complaints about Del Rey’s service skills. “She completely drowned my pesto chicken flatbread in ranch dressing,” Rosa Hyll, FCLC ’27, said. “She even stuck a little American flag in it. Incredibly patriotic, but it’s not what I wanted.”

Despite Del Rey’s questionable cuisine skills, the line for Freshens was exponentially longer than usual, extending out of the Ram Café’s doors. An excited chatter filled the lobby of the Leon Lowenstein Center as students eagerly waited to get a glimpse of the pop star.

“My friends and I love Lana Del Rey. The first time we went to Rose Hill, we stood around the Lana shrine in Keating and sang ‘Young and Beautiful’ in

Rapid discussions of Del Rey’s activities went viral on X, formerly known as Twitter. On the same day, Ramona Ramsey (@ maroonbanisters), Fordham College at Lincoln Center (FCLC) ’26, posted “no way lana del rey just made my strawberry & kale salad.” The tweet amassed over 50,000 likes. Ramsey later added: “i found a cigarette stub in my strawberry & kale salad so coquette!!”

three-part harmony. We were hoping to summon Lana, and I guess it worked,” Hyll said. Ramsey echoed this adoration of Del Rey, saying, “I had her sign my arm. I think I’m going to get it tattooed.”

While Del Rey’s motives for entering the food service industry are not officially known, some fans suspect the appearance was to promote Del Rey’s highly anticipated upcoming album, “Did you know that there are tunnels under Fordham University Lincoln Center.” Further fueling this theory, the tracklist of the album seems to

feature various references to the university, including titles like “Columbus and Amsterdam,” “Lowenstein,” “Seven-thirty Ram Van” and “Tania Tetlow Interlude.”

On the other hand, some fans suspect that Del Rey is serious about her job at Freshens, arguing that she may simply be in need of some supplemental income — in today’s streaming-ruled era of music, many artists are struggling, making a fraction of a cent per play.

“its so sad that that lana was so snubbed by the scammys that she has to get another job” X user

@lanaslipstick posted. The sentiment was shared with many other online stans, who all seem to agree that Del Rey deserved some acknowledgment at the 2024 Grammy Awards.

Despite the mixed reviews of Del Rey’s culinary skills, her unexpected presence at the Ram Café sparked a fervor among Fordham students, leaving the campus community buzzing with excitement and critique. As photos and anecdotes flooded timelines, it became clear that Del Rey’s impromptu shift had left a mark not only on Fordham students but on pop culture as a whole.

Ice Spice: Fordham’s Next Honorary Doctorate

The ‘Princess of Rap’ is the perfect candidate for this year’s honoree at commencement

By ANA WINSTON Asst. Fact Editor

Every year, Fordham University’s Board of Trustees selects a group of individuals to be awarded an honorary degree at the university’s commencement. On Friday, March 15, The Observer obtained exclusive access to a leaked document containing the Board of Trustees’ final selection for the 2024 commencement’s honoree: Ice Spice. The viral drill rap sensation is indubitably Fordham’s best candidate for an honorary doctorate this year, and the best decision made by the university’s administration all year.

Some may assume that Ice Spice is utterly unrelated to the Jesuit philosophy: Those people would be dead wrong.

According to the Commencement Committee’s website, nominees are chosen for traits such as leadership in the Catholic and Jesuit traditions, excellence in subject matters taught at the university and service to Fordham or New York City. Ice Spice is the perfect encapsulation of not only one, but all three of these benchmarks for a Fordham honoree.

Ice Spice was born and raised in the northwest Bronx near Fordham Road, making her a local celebrity. Her native city is integral to her rap career: She’s a part of the New York drill rap community and is proud of it as well, having revitalized the birthplace of hip-hop with new energy. The artist has shared her success

with the city at large: All of her music videos were filmed in New York City, such as “Deli” — filmed in a bodega in uptown Manhattan — and “In Ha Mood” — filmed on the city streets.

Some may assume that Ice Spice is utterly unrelated to the Jesuit philosophy: Those people would be dead wrong. In an interview with Erykah Badu and Puma Curry published by Interview Magazine, Ice Spice revealed that she went to a Catholic high school and still prays often: “Me and God are besties,” she said. Her lyrics are also reminiscent

of Catholic social teaching tenets — Ice Spice preaches self-love and empowerment for women, which ties in directly to the idea of “cura personalis,” care for the whole person, that our university espouses as our Jesuit mission.

Last year, I was pleasantly surprised to find that Fordham was going to name Stevie Wonder a Doctor of Humane Letters at the 2023 commencement ceremony. I very much enjoy Wonder’s music, and was glad the university recognized him with an award. This year, the Commencement Committee really exceeded my

expectations. Stevie Wonder is great and all, but he hasn’t collaborated with Nicki Minaj yet like Ice Spice has; frankly, because of that, she deserves this award more than he did.

If Ice Spice performs at commencement like Wonder did, her award would also be incredibly beneficial to students and faculty. Because of how viral Ice Spice has become on social media, her mere presence on campus would make Fordham immensely popular — maybe if we get a sizable increase in applicants next semester, they’ll reverse the 4.4% tuition

increase. Honoring Ice Spice at commencement this spring is truly beneficial to all.

Some may say that Ice Spice is too young and too early in her career for such an accolade, but I disagree. Her artistic expertise and connection to her fans have allowed her to reach a level of adoration that few other celebrities have. She’s been called the “People’s Princess,” just like the late Diana, Princess of Wales, for a reason — Ice Spice deserves a diploma alongside the crown bestowed upon her by her admirers.

Ramona Ramsey, FCLC ‘26

GRAPHIC BY TARA LENTELL/ THE OBSERVER

The 24-year-old American rapper embellishes Fordham’s Jesuit values and is an outstanding candidate for an honorary degree at the 179th commencement ceremony.

GRAPHIC BY TARA LENTELL/ THE OBSERVER

A stark contrast to the stage, Del Rey seems to be enjoying her new role serving the students of her alma mater.

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