Becoming Bnei Mitzvah - The KJ Handbook (For the Parents)

Dear KJ Family, Mazal Tov on your child’s upcoming Bar/Bat Mitzvah. The entire KJ team is here to support you in planning this event. Please feel free to reach out to us if we can help in any way.

We are proud to offer you this booklet, which will help take the guesswork out of planning your child’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah, and will help you coordinate details.

More importantly, it will offer you suggestions to ensure that your child’s Bar/Bat Mitzvah will be a spiritual milestone for them.

I look forward to celebrating with you!

In order to help you plan and prepare for your Bnei Mitzvah, we have compiled this handbook to answer many of the questions you may have regarding the logistics and learning associated with the process. Please note the sample timeline and checklist inluded on pages 15-16.

Our hope is this handbook will assist you in understanding the activities involved in Bar/Bat Mitzvah preparation. What follows is intended as a guide and so please do not feel obligated to follow this to the letter.

We encourage you to reach out with any questions along the way!

OUR CLERGY

Chaim Steinmetz

Senior Rabbi

212-774-5665 rcs@ckj.org

Roy Feldman

Associate Rabbi

212-774-5636 rrf@ckj.org

Meyer Laniado

Associate Rabbi

KJ SEPHARDIC + FATHERS & SONS PROGRAM

212-774-5640 rml@ckj.org

Haskel Lookstein

Rabbi Emeritus

212-774-5650 rhl@ckj.org

SCHEDULING

To schedule a meeting with Rabbi Steinmetz:

Dina Farhi Executive Assistant

212-774-5648 dina@ckj.org

KJ date confirmation, room reservations, catering information and logistics:

Riva Alper

KJ Administrator

212-774-5670 riva@ckj.org

TORAH READING & PREP

Daniel Kraus Director of Community Education + KJB SERVICE

212-774-5696 rdk@ckj.org

Chaim Dovid Berson Cantor

212-774-5626 cantor@ckj.org

Rachel Kraus Director of Community Education

WOMEN’S TEFILAH + BAT MITZVAH CLASS FOR MOTHERS & DAUGHTERS

rachel@ckj.org

Our KJ clergy are available for Torah reading lessons. There are additional teachers in the community - please contact Rabbi Feldman for more details.

JYC MEETINGS

jyc@ckj.org

PLANNING ADVICE

sisterhood@ckj.org

RAMAZ CONTACTS

Alia Turitz

Special Events Coordinator

Ramaz Administration Contact for Bar/Bat Mitzvah Dates

212-774-8033

turitza@ramaz.org

Ivett Leon

Executive Assistant

Ramaz Upper School Facility Contact

212-774-8000, ext. 6639

LeonI@ramaz.org

Sandy Dweck Middle School

Student Activities Coordinator

Ramaz Middle School Student Activities Coordinator For Chesed Project Information

212-774-8000, ext. 6128

dwecks@ramaz.org

CATERER CONTACTS

At Kehilath Jeshurun & The Ramaz Middle School: Foremost Caterers

Ira Shulman

201-664-2465, ext. 162 ira@foremostcaterers.com

Zami Caterers

Morris Zami

718-627-4945 morris@zamicaterers.com

Joey Zami

joey@zamicaterers.com

8th Day

Ari Silverman

201-214-0803, ext. 10 ari@8thdaycaterers.com

At The Ramaz Upper School:

Any caterer with KJ approved Rabbinic supervision may be used.

BECO MING BNEI MITZVAH

Scheduling

STEP 1: SELECT A DATE

Ramaz Students

The process of selecting a date for Ramaz students is coordinated through Alia Turitz. This will typically occur two years in advance of your child’s celebration. For girls this will be during 4th grade and for boys this will be during 5th grade.

JYC Students

Date selection will be discussed with JYC’s Director, who will then coordinate with the KJ office directly on behalf of the family. This is typically done when the children are in fifth grade/11 years old.

All Other Children

Please schedule a meeting with a KJ rabbi two years prior to your daughter’s 12th birthday or two years prior to your son’s 13th birthday. In addition, please contact KJ Administrator Riva Alper to request a date for your child’s ceremony. (Riva works with Kenny Rochlin to coordinate the date selection process.)

STEP 2: MEET WITH A KJ RABBI

We recognize there are a diversity of backgrounds within our community and a Bar/Bat Mitzvah service can take many forms.

In order to ensure the celebration that is optimal for you and your child, we encourage every family to schedule a family meeting with a KJ rabbi as follows:

Ramaz Students

Immediately upon completion of the date selection process with Kenny Rochlin’s office.

STEP 3: RESERVE THE SPACE FOR BOTH THE SYNAGOGUE SERVICE & CELEBRATION

After confirming a date with Ramaz, please contact Riva Alper to guarantee the space for your celebration at KJ.

Synagogue services are held in a number of different locations. In addition, there are many locations available for a reception following services. Please be sure to discuss the options with Riva and a KJ rabbi so that everything may be planned and reserved accordingly.

JYC Students Speak with JYC Director.

All Other Families

Two years prior to your daughter’s 12th birthday or two years prior to your son’s 13th birthday.

For more information about reception locations see options on page 11.

Synagogue Service & Location Options

1 Shabbat Morning Services

• Main Synagogue

• Sephardic Minyan

• KJB Service

2 Monday Morning Torah Services

7 Friday Night Services

8 Siyum

3 Thursday Morning Torah Services

9 Rosh Chodesh Services

4 Women’s Tefilah Services

• Main Synagogue

• Rohr Chapel

• Middle School Chapel

5 Evening Services

10 Holiday Services

In addition, many children elect to prepare a D’var Torah to deliver at the conclusion of the service/ceremony. These remarks may reflect on the importance of the weekly Parsha, a Chesed Project, or other topics of relevance to the Bnei Mitzvah.

Ramaz students are also invited to lead morning davening the week before or after their simcha at the Ramaz Middle School.

6 Havdalah Services (Conclusion of Shabbat)

Please contact Jennifer Bernstein to arrange a mutually convenient date.

Bnei Mitzvah Reception Location Options

We encourage you to consider holding your Bnei Mitzvah celebration at KJ or in one of the Ramaz locations. KJ is the perfect place to host a family Shabbat dinner, an afternoon Kiddush or luncheon, or an evening party. In addition to the KJ Social Hall and the Heyman Auditorium, multiple spaces are available in the Ramaz Middle and Upper Schools. We are able to accommodate anything from a small family gathering to a large elaborate party.

Please contact Riva Alper, in the KJ office, for more information on reserving space at KJ and Ramaz. Riva will be able to answer all of your questions, will share what has worked well for many families, and will supply information on:

The approved caterers for the different KJ/Ramaz spaces

The fees associated with different KJ/Ramaz buildings and spaces

Building hours

The following locations are available to reserve and capacities for each room will be supplied by the caterer for various room set ups:

Kehilath Jeshurun

125 EASt 85tH StrEE t

Heyman Auditorium

Riklis Social Hall

Nakash Gymnasium

Ramaz Middle School

114 EASt 85tH StrEE t

Falk Auditorium

L1 Chapel

Lindenbaum Gymnasium

3rd Floor Terrace

Ramaz Upper School

60 EASt 78tH StrEE t

Kaufman Auditorium

Cayne Gymnasium

If you elect to host your reception offsite, please confirm the kashrut of the caterer with a KJ rabbi. We are happy to supply you with recommendations and contact information for kosher caterers.

Sponsoring the Main Kiddush

A lovely and meaningful way to include the entire community in your simcha is to sponsor the Main Kiddush following your Shabbat service, regardless of whether you and your guests plan to attend. Kiddush sponsorship opportunities are available at ckj.org/giving.

Logistics & Final Details

Three months before a child’s ceremony, families are encouraged to meet with Riva Alper and one of the KJ rabbis to discuss the logistics of the day, including the timing of services, family participation, your child’s inclusion in the synagogue bulletin, the Parsha learning process (if relevant) and the preparation of the Dvar Torah (if relevant).

ALIYOT & OTHER HONORS

We will also discuss honors available to your family including aliyot, ark opening/closing, hagbah and gelilah. A list of those being honored should be submitted no later than two weeks prior to the date of your simcha. The list should include the Hebrew names of all guests you would like to honor, together with their parent’s Hebrew names. This list should be submitted to Rabbi Feldman for the Main service, Rabbi Laniado for Sephardic minyan, or Rabbi Kraus for Beginners. The rabbi will then introduce you to the Gabbaim. The synagogue will try to accommodate as many of your requests as possible.

Please note that both a Hebrew and English transliteration of the necessary blessings are available on the Bimah for use by your honorees.

TORAH READING REHEARSALS

If you would like to schedule a final rehearsal in the room where you are holding the service/ ceremony we recommend this take place the week before the ceremony. Please contact Riva Alper to arrange a convenient time. Please note that many Bar/Bat Mitzvah tutors will also arrange for practice sessions in the room where the ceremony is taking place.

PHOTOGRAPHY

Should you wish to gain access to the sanctuary for photographs, please contact Riva Alper at the synagogue office well in advance to make arrangements during the week preceding your Shabbat celebration. These arrangements are to be made by appointment only. The Torah may not be removed from the ark for the purpose of taking photographs without permission from the synagogue.

Respect for Shabbat & Holidays

We ask that you please remind your invited guests that the synagogue is a sacred place and the use of all electronic devices, including but not limited to cell phones and cameras, are prohibited on Shabbat and Yom Tov. Men and boys should wear kippot while in the building, and all married male guests are encouraged to wear a Tallit. Married women are encouraged to wear a headcovering. It is common, although not required, for the Bar/Bat Mitzvah family to provide kippot for men and head coverings for women.

Timing of Services

Shabbat morning services begin promptly at 9:00 a.m., whether or not your family is present. The Bar/Bat Mitzvah family is encouraged to arrive fifteen minutes before the service begins. Please urge all of your guests to arrive on time and remain throughout the service.

Flowers for the Bimah & Elsewhere

Many families elect to order flowers for placement on the Bimah or next to the podium where the Bnei Mitzvah speeches are given. Please ask Riva Alper for information on when floral arrangements should be delivered and size recommendations.

EDUCATIO NAL PREP

What Does Each Bar & Bat Mitzvah Need to Learn?

Each Bnei Mitzvah ceremony is unique and can be adapted to best suit the child. These aspects of the ceremony are often learned by each student:

Weekly Services

1 Tefilot (Prayers)

2 Torah Reading

3 Haftarah Reading

4 D’var Torah

Attending weekly services is one of the simplest and most often overlooked methods to prepare your child for their Bar/Bat Mitzvah. This is even more crucial starting two years before the Bar/Bat Mitzvah.

There is no substitute for frequent exposure to the liturgy, practice with Hebrew, and the support of sitting beside a parent who takes the time to prioritize communal prayer.

Additional Community Learning Opportunities

JYC Families

Discuss all learning options available with JYC leadership.

Children with Learning Differences

KJ will work with you and your family to arrange a meaningful service that is possible for any type of learner.

There are excellent professionals within the KJ and Ramaz community who have significant experience working with children with learning differences. Please contact Rabbi Steinmetz to arrange a meeting to discuss the various possibilities.

Private Tutoring

Parent Child Programs READING TORAH

Many students who are reading from the Torah elect to work with a private tutor to prepare for their ceremony. Others have a family member or family friend who prepares with the student. Frequency and length of this preparation period can vary depending on the child but it is common to begin this process 12 months before the event.

If you would like a private tutor recommendation, Riva Alper is happy to provide an up to date list. Cantor Berson is also available for private instruction. In addition, many tutors will also assist a student with the preparation of a D’var Torah.

WRITING & PRESENTING A D’VAR TORAH

Some students also seek guidance in preparing their D’var Torah. Writing a D’var Torah is often a new and unfamiliar activity for many students, and the presentation of a D’var Torah from a podium to a congregation of people can be daunting. We highly encourage meeting with one of the KJ rabbis to discuss the assigned Torah portion; they are eager to help students with preparing, writing, and delivering a D’var Torah. Ms. Kim Gantz Wexler of the Ramaz Middle School is another person you can contact to work with your child on the delivery of your remarks so they are loud, slow, and clear.

Fathers & Sons Bar Mitzvah Program

• Fathers and sons (6th grade boys) participate in experiential programs to explore what it means to come of age in Judaism.

• Topics to be explored are: Tefillin, Chesed, Shabbat, Torah learning and Prayer.

• Contact Rabbi Laniado at rml@ckj.org

Matan Mother-Daughter Bat Mitzvah Program

• Mothers and daughters (5th grade girls) come together to meaningfully engage with Jewish learning and experiences in preparation for B’not Mitzvah.

• Topics of study include: Torah study, women throughout Jewish history, Chesed, Shabbat, and Prayer.

• Contact Rachel Kraus at rachel@ckj.org

CHESED PR OJECTS

All students are encouraged to do a chesed project. This activity is a meaningful way to allow each child to connect to important values of Judaism – repairing the world (tikkun olam) and compassion for others (v’ahavta l’rayecha kamocha).

3 What do I like to do?

4 What bothers me so much about what is wrong in the world and what do I want to do to change it?

1 What are my hobbies and interests?

2 What am I good at?

If your child attends Ramaz, you and your child will be invited to attend a Chesed Project Fair where many organizations will be on hand to answer questions regarding specific projects.

5 Whom do I know that might be able to guide or help me?

Questions regarding the selection of a chesed project can be directed to Sandy Dweck, the Ramaz Middle School Student Activities Coordinator.

The following pages list organizations that students have worked with in the past as well as some examples of their projects.

A great way to start thinking about this is for each child to ask themselves:

UJA: DO A MITZVAH, GIVE A MITZVAH ujafedny.org

Student went monthly to a UJA Federation agency and did an art project with about a dozen kids.

Student went monthly to a UJA Federation agency to build legos and play basketball with children in foster care.

SHAARE ZEDEK MEDICAL CENTER

acsz.org

Student baked challah weekly for 6 months. In honor of her baking, people made donations to the hospital. Challah was given to donors and also to the ill. When she went to Israel, she visited the pediatric ward and distributed stuffed animals to patients.

TEAM CHAI LIFELINE

teamlifeline.org

Students raised money to run a 5k, 10k, half or full marathon and the money raised goes to a charity to send children with cancer to summer camp.

BACK ON MY FEET

backonmyfeet.org

Student collected and donated sneakers and gloves for the homeless.

MT. SINAI KRAVIS CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL

giving.mountsinai.org

This program helps young patients cope with their fears by offering fun activities that meet their needs during long or stressful hospital stays. Some of the activities offered are play, art, school, and socializing with peers.

BEIT ISSIE SHAPIRO

afobis.org

Student raised money so kids can learn to speak using eye gaze technology.

INNOVATION AFRICA innoafrica.org

Raise money to bring running water, electricity, solar power and more to villages in Africa. One student went to Africa to watch the installation of a water source.

BET ELAZRAKI elazraki.org

Student raised money to redesign and refurbish one of the recreation rooms for kids.

Student ran a 12K to raise money to build a new sports center for Bet Elezraki children.

Student went to Bet Elazraki and spent a few hours building a bond with the girls through jewelry making, singing, and more.

THE SPECIAL CHILDREN’S CENTER thecenternj.org

Student made a carnival for the children and invited the rest of her grade to join in the fun.

MET COUNCIL metcouncil.org

Student packed camp backpacks for kids who were getting scholarships to go to sleepaway camp.

SHAVEI ISRAEL shavei.org

Student raised money for the Bnei Menashe community of India - who claim descent from the lost tribe of Menashe. 4,000 have formally converted and moved to Israel and 7,000 more remain in India and hope to make Aliyah.

WIZO wizousa.org

Student provided sports equipment/facility for the kids in one of the youth villages.

BEIT RUTH beitruth.com

Student raised money to build a professional space dedicated to music learning and therapy at Beit Ruth.

SAVE

A CHILD’S HEART

saveachildsheart.org

Student had a charity baseball game. People paid to play and they also sold Save a Child’s Heart merchandise and other fun items to help raise money for the organization. Later, the student had the privilege of meeting these kids (who were brought to Israel and had heart surgery performed on them) which was a really touching experience that they’ll never forget.

TIKVOT tikvot.org.il

Student raised money to support the organization’s work with wounded veterans in need of rehabilitation and support for PTSD.

FRIENDSHIP

CIRCLE

friendshipcirclenyc.org

Student created a Foul Shot Competition - for every shot that went in, $25 was donated to the friendship circle. He also spent Sundays volunteering with kids.

LET’S DO IT!

GIRLS: 4TH GRADE | BOYS: 5TH GRADE

Request Bar/Bat Mitzvah Date from Kenny Rochlin (this will include ceremony as well as any additional celebrations such as lunch, party etc.)

Finalize Bar/Bat Mitzvah Date with Kenny Rochlin

Meet with Ramaz Middle School Leadership (Ramaz students only)

WHEN YOUR DATE IS FINALIZED WITH RAMAZ Call Riva Alper at KJ and tell her

Bar/Bat Mitzvah Date, requested service location and a dates for post-ceremony activities

TWO YEARS BEFORE

Emphasize child’s attendance at weekly Shabbat Services First meeting with a KJ rabbi

FOURTEEN MONTHS BEFORE Select Bar/Bat Mitzvah tutor if needed

WHEN YOUR DAUGHTER IS IN 5TH GRADE

Parent Child Program for Girls with Rachel Kraus begins

WHEN YOUR SON IS IN 6TH GRADE

Parent Child Program for Boys with Rabbi Laniado begins

TWELVE MONTHS BEFORE

JYC Families: discuss and confirm date for Bar/Bat Mitzvah with JYC director

Begin one-on-one tutoring

Start to think about Chesed Project (ckj.org/publications)

NINE MONTHS BEFORE

If you are using a KJ facility, advise caterer of event date

SIX MONTHS BEFORE

Start thinking about D’Var Torah Select Chesed Project

THREE MONTHS BEFORE

Discuss logistics and event requirements with Riva Alper and caterer

Submit your child’s Bnei Mitzvah information to Riva Alper for publication in the KJ Bulletin

Schedule meeting with Rabbi to discuss D’Var Torah (optional)

TWO MONTHS BEFORE

Meet with caterer on menu and catering needs

ONE MONTH BEFORE

Finalize and complete Chesed Project

FOUR TO TWO WEEKS BEFORE Advise Rabbi Feldman of Torah Honors requests

TWO WEEKS BEFORE Finish D’Var Torah

Meet with Cantor and Rabbi for Bimah rehearsal