DGO: What to do when the end comes

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DGO

FREE! April 23-May 6, 2020

What to do when the end comes

Do you disappear into the woods, survive where you are, or seal yourself off from the world? dgomag.com

We want to extend our thanks to all of the brave healthcare professionals, first responders, and essential workers who are on the frontline of this fight. You're freakin' rad.

-DGO Mag

2 | Thursday, April 23, 2020 •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

DGO Magazine

STAFF

What’s inside Volume 5 Number 9 Thursday, April 23, 2020

Editor

Medusa wants you to look at her!

Look at her!

Angelica Leicht aleicht@bcimedia.com 375-4551 Staff writer

But you won’t turn to stone, cause you’ll be looking at her in Florence from afar via a virtual tour.

Nick Gonzales ngonzales@durangoherald.com Sales Chandler Sommerfeldt csommerfeldt@bcimedia.com

4

From the blog

5

Eat & Drink

Durango restaurants

Strater take-out 6

Drink better beer 7

8 Art

375-4553

Win? Definite win.

Contributors

5

Watch people paint

8

Erin Brandt

Megan Bianco

10 Entertainment

Amanda Push

Isolation films 10

Laraina Hailey

Struggle to appreciate art 11

Reader Services 375-4570

16 Weed

Chief Executive Officer

Douglas Bennett V.P. of Advertising Jamie Opalenik

6 Self-dating with Strater steak in self-quarantine At any other time, the Strater Hotel would consist of three restaurants or bars: The Diamond Belle, the Mahogany Grille and The Office Spiritorium.

But, thanks to COVID-19, none of those are open, except for delicious takeout.

DGO is a free biweekly publication distributed by Ballantine Communications Inc., and is available for one copy per person. Taking more than five copies of an edition from a distribution location is illegal and is punishable by law according to Colorado Revised Statute 18-9-314.

DGO Magazine is published

by Ballantine Communications Inc., P.O. Drawer A, Durango, CO 81302

Virtual art tours 9

8 Move over, musicians – artists are on the streaming scene Need a break from doing nothing?

Well, local painters such as Durango’s Lauren Bell are inviting digital audiences into their studios. So many happy little trees!

Tell us what you think!

Got something on your mind? Have a joke or a story idea or just something that the world needs to know?

Send everything to editor@dgomag.com

17 Bliss edibles offer the brain break you need We’re going to go out on a limb here and say that most of us are hitting the bottle and bong pretty hard these days. Maybe you’re even doing both at the same time.

But maybe try these edibles instead.

Reviews 16-18

21 Classifieds 22 Sex & love 23 Puzzles/horoscopes

ON THE COVER It’s the end of the world as we know it ... do you feel fine?

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From the blog

News from our site on the interwebs you may have missed Tiger King ... relocated

I can come out of this a good husband?

Right about now it’s fair to say we’re all living under a rock. But, if at this point you haven’t heard of Netflix’s docuseries “Tiger King: Murder, Mayhem and Madness” you’re living under a rock under a rock and maybe even another rock.

In any case, “Tiger King” is the story of the relationships and rivalries between the owners of various big cat parks across the United States, particularly Joe Exotic, an unapologetically eccentric, gay, gun-owning owner of the Greater Wynnewood Exotic Animal Park (aka the G.W. Zoo) in Oklahoma. After a series of bizarre incidents, Exotic eventually landed himself in federal prison as a result of a murder-for-hire plot and animal abuse.

Trust us, just watch the series.

With the arrest and incarceration of Exotic, it leaves one wondering as to what happened to the tigers at his park, the ultimate victims of the documentary. Well, some of them are now in their new home of Colorado, at The Wildlife Animal Sanctuary in Keenesburg — just 41 miles northeast of Denver.

“We hope that people see past the hype, ‘glamour’ and intrigue and focus on the animals caught up in it all — especially the ones that are still being exploited,” said Kent Drotar, the public relations director for the nonprofit, in an email to The Denver Post.

In 2017, the animal sanctuary was able to take a total of 39 tigers and three black bears from Exotic’s Oklahoma park. They found that many of the big cats had both physical issues and mental trauma as a result of their captivity.

According to the sanctuary staff, watching the Netflix series was rough.

“It was difficult, I mean a lot of this stuff we saw for ourselves when we were there, the small enclosures, the indiscriminate breeding, the cub experiences, the exploitation, so all of that was very apparent when we were on the

In The Shallows I was so relieved to get all the way to end of your letter without learning you had kids.

Because that means I can advise you — with a clear conscience — to file for divorce and move the fuck out just as soon as it’s possible to do so. Not for your own sake, ITS, but for your wife’s sake. She deserves better.

rescue,” said Becca Miceli, chief science and animal welfare officer, to Denver7.

Thankfully, it sounds like the tigers are doing much better these days. There’s no cub petting, breeding, or tiger selfies at The Wildlife Animal Sanctuary, all practices at Exotic’s former zoo.

“We try and give them large open spaces, plenty of places to run, decide what they do throughout the day if they want to lay in the sun, play in the water, scratch on a log,” Miceli said.

Due to COVID-19, the animal sanctuary is closed but is still accepting donations.

“The sheer volume of Facebook posts and new stories is indicative of how much ‘Tiger King’ has caught on with people,” Drotar said. “We are so proud to have given them a wonderful and loving home for the time they were with us and only wish GW hadn’t exploited and used them.”

for eight years. I’m tall and slim and my wife is short and heavy. Like an idiot I believed it’s what’s on the inside that matters. My wife is the sweetest, most thoughtful person I’ve ever met, I love spending time with her, but I have absolutely no sexual attraction to her. As a result, I’ve all but stopped initiating sex and on the rare occasion when we do make love I make her come twice while I’m struggling just to get off.

I know it’s shallow and I know beauty is only skin deep but what am I supposed to do when seeing my wife naked sends me into an anxiety attack?

When I’m helping out with laundry, I get bummed because there’s nothing in her wardrobe I find attractive on her. Even when I look at old pictures of us together I get extremely depressed because I know this is the best she’s ever going to look. It doesn’t help that she finds me handsome and regularly tells me so.

—— Amanda Push It’s gotten to the point where I find any woman who isn’t my wife desirSeeing my wife naked causes able. (Including, but not limited to, panic attacks her family and friends.) I should also I was raised in a religious home and mention that she has no interest in didn’t lose my virginity until the having an open relationship or threeembarrassing age of 26. I was told by some because she prefers having me the church to save it for marriage and I “all to herself.” I don’t want to ask was a virgin until met the woman who her to change because she’s perfectly would become my wife at a party. I happy with herself but I’m becoming said to hell with it, we had a one-night increasingly resentful. What do I do? stand, and we’ve been together now How do I tell her? And is there any way

You say you’re growing increasingly resentful. I hope your resentment is directed at all of the people who victimized you.

Your wife isn’t one of them. It’s your parents you should resent, ITS, as well as all the sex-phobic bullshit artists out there masquerading as “faith leaders.”

You should be angry with yourself too.

While I know from personal experience how a religious upbringing can put the zap on a kid’s head, you were a grownass man when you met your wife at that party. You couldn’t have slept with her that night — you couldn’t have lost your virginity in a one-night stand — if you hadn’t already rejected nearly everything you’d been taught about sex. If you were capable of having premarital sex, you were capable of refraining from marrying the first person you slept with.

Your wife is gonna want to know why you’re leaving her — of course she is — but you’re not going to tell her the real reason. You’re going to make something up. You want kids and she doesn’t (or vice-versa), you married too young (which is true), you have unresolved childhood issues (and don’t we all).

While you won’t be able to spare your wife the pain of a breakup, ITS, you can spare her the pain of learning the person she’s been sleeping with for eight years is repulsed by her body. You can’t be a good husband to her, ITS, but you can be decent ex-husband. And to do that — to be her decent and loving and supportive ex — you can’t set her self-esteem on fire on your way out the door.

Continued on Page 19

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[eat]

A guide to Durango restaurants still serving for pickup or delivery during the coronavirus pandemic Not everything has to be doom and gloom during this worldwide pandemic, just most of it! Meanwhile, we’re taking what we can get as far as bright spots in our weeks and one of those includes local restaurants that are still doing business.

See, while the idea of learning to cook all these new things while holed up at home sounded appealing at first, we realized very quickly how much we love and miss our old food haunts. Luckily for us, there’s still plenty of Durango businesses offering curbside pick up and/or delivery to all us quarantined homebodies.

These Durango restaurants are offering phone and online orders for takeout or curbside pick up: 11th Street Station

Durangojoes.com

1101 Main Avenue (970) 422-8482

East by Southwest

11thstreetstation.com

160 East College Drive (970) 247-5533

2nd Deli & Spirits

eastbysouthwest.com

601 East 2nd Avenue (970) 259-1000 2nddelidurango.com 81301 Coffee Roasters 3101 Main Avenue

Fired Up Pizzeria

»» One of the massive burritos from

735 Main Avenue

Backcountry Gourmet

(970) 247-0264

breaddurango.com

(970) 385-1941

fireduppizzeria.com

»» Fired Up, home of some of our favorite pizza

Four Leaves Winery

81301coffee.com

Cuckoo’s Chicken House & Waterin’ Hole

Animas Brewing Company

128 E College Drive

(970) 403-8182

Homeslice Pizza

1560 E 2nd Avenue

(970) 259-6322

fourleaveswinery.com/

2915 Main Avenue

(970) 403-8850

facebook.com/Cuckoos.Chicken

528 Main Avenue

(970) 422-8337 homeslicedelivers.com

Gianni’s Oven & Grill

animasbrewing.com Diamond Belle Saloon

2477 Main Avenue

699 Main Avenue

(970) 764-4727

(970) 375-7150

facebook.com/GiannisOvenandGrill

strater.com

facebook.com/jeanpierredurango

Durango Doughworks

2603 Main Avenue

2653 Main Avenue

(970) 259-3558

(970) 247-1610

Jimmy John’s

facebook.com/pages/Griegos-North

Durangodoughworks.com

1316 Main Avenue

Himalayan Kitchen

(970) 259-0577

992 Main Avenue

jimmyjohns.com

Durango Bagel 106 E 5th Street

cially when you’re sick of your own cooking

601 Main Avenue (970) 247-7700

Griego’s

»» Chang Thai slaps ANY time, but espe-

Jean Pierre Bakery Cafe and Wine Bar

(970) 385-7297 facebook.com/Durangobagel

Animas Chocolate & Coffee Company

Durango Coffee Company

920 Main Avenue

730 Main Avenue

(970) 317-5761

(970) 426-4088

Animaschocolatecompany.com

durangocoffee.com

Baskin Robbins

Durango Craft Spirits

32 Town Plaza

1120 Main Avenue

(970) 247-1231

(970) 247-1919

baskinrobbins.com

durangospirits.com/

Bread

Durango Joe’s North Main Drive Thru

135 East 8th Street

3455 North Main Avenue

(970) 247-2220

(970) 375-6384

(970) 259-0956

Continued on Page 6

Himkitchen.com

DHL Garden Supply 178 Bodo Dr. Suite B Durango, CO 81303

970-247-1090

Locally Owned and Established in 2011 Durango’s Only Year Round Garden Supply Store

We have ALL your basic garden needs met from SEED to HARVEST!

https://dhlgrows.com/

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[eat]

Steak, the Strater, and self-dating: Living it up in quarantine It’s pricey, but a Pepper Steak Herbert will help you forget the epidemic for a minute it didn’t survive long on the plate. Thanks to the turbulence of my vehicle, the mango and cognac flavor carried over to the potatoes as well, which were already probably light and buttery. Together, they were just about the greatest combination of meat and potatoes I’d had in a while – certainly since the virus killed off most specialty dining options.

Unlike many Coloradans, I tend to hibernate through the winter. During those short days and long, cold nights, I sit indoors, planning out the rest of the year. And spring 2020 was going to rock.

There were food and beer festivals to go to, live music to enjoy, and even movies to look forward to seeing at the theater.

Then we all had to trade everything in for Netflix and whatever we can find to do around the house. You’re almost certainly not meeting new people. I hope your social needs are met by phone calls and whoever you’re quarantining with because unless you’re well into a relationship, dating is now harder and more awkward than almost anything else.

No worries, though. All the relationship blogs I’ve scrolled through (in a manner that is very dignified and not at all panicked) in the last few weeks say taking yourself on solo dates is not only fine, but good for you. Apparently, it boosts your self-confidence and adds richness to your life.

Consulting my mental list of date ideas, it turned out No. 37 (after No. 36: “Cosmic Bowling”) is more or less possible and quite sensual – “Enjoy a steak dinner for two.”

And one of the places you can still get a steak is an iconic symbol of Durango.

At any other time, the Strater Hotel would consist of three restaurants or bars: The Diamond Belle, the Mahogany Grille and The Office Spiritorium. But, thanks to COVID-19, none of those are open. Nevertheless, the hotel has the kitchen running, offering a take-out

Nick Gonzales/DGO

»» Fries and the Pepper Steak Herbert from the Strater Hotel’s take-out menu. menu for breakfast and dinner, between 8 and 10 a.m., and 5 and 8 p.m.

The very abridged menu consists of Mahogany Grille fare, including four breakfast items, starters, a burger, two sandwiches, a turkey pot pie, two steaks, and salmon. They also have take-out beer, wine, and cocktails available, but if you’re looking for the complex cocktails The Office had before, you’re out of luck.

They’re down to simple cocktails, and by simple, I mean booze-and-mixer beverages: rum and coke, vodka soda, etc.

For my self-date, I called and ordered the Pepper Steak Herbert – a 3-year award-winning exclusive of the Strater consisting of a seared peppercorn-encrusted filet with mango chutney, cognac, and a natural sauce (and mashed

potatoes and bacon green beans). And a basket of fries, because why the heck not.

About 20 minutes later, someone met me at my car window in front of the hotel. In transit, the heat of the steak and mashed potatoes caused the container they were in to weaken, causing a very small but sticky mess and some mixing between entree and sides. But I feel like this happens all the time with to-go food.

The mix of flavors on the steak was perfect, divided between the sweetness and tanginess of the chutney, the slight spiciness of the peppercorns and just an amazing little slab of meat (for what it’s worth, it was cooked exactly to my specifications, despite the unusual conditions). Tender, moist, and exquisite,

The green beans were green beans, a dish I have no strong feelings for one way or another. The fact that they were flavored with bacon, as well as the sloshed-over sauce from the steak, was good, but I’d just as soon have it the other way around — green bean-flavored bacon.

The post-dinner basket of fries – I ate the steak first because it seemed like the item with the most direct relationship between quality and temperature – fell on the thinner, crispier side of the fry spectrum. Flavored with truffle oil, herbs, and Parmesan, they at least temporarily filled the eternally-yawning fry-shaped hole in my soul. I don’t know that I’d ever head to the Strater just for the fries, but they weren’t half bad.

I don’t know that I felt more self-confident after my solo date, but I did feel as though my life had been enriched. (I’m assuming enrichment feels identical to slight queasiness caused by overeating.)

Now I just need to figure out what to do with the rest of this quarantine.

—— Nick Gonzales

From Page 5 Mcdonalds.com

Papamurphys.com

seasonsofdurango.com

699 Main Avenue

Michel’s Corner Crepes

RGP’s Flame Grilled Wraps

Serious TX BBQ

(970) 247-4433

598 Main Avenue

835 Main Avenue

3535 Main Avenue

strater.com

(970) 769-0256

(970) 382-9868

(970) 247-2240

michelscorner.com

rgpswraps.com

serioustexasbbq.com

Jitters Java 802 Camino del Rio

Mahogany Grille

(970) 799-5282 facebook.com/jittersjava Lone Spur Cafe (970) 764-4280

Mama Silvia’s Italian Kitchen

Oscar’s Cafe

Rice Monkeys

Ska Brewing

lonespurcafe.com

150 E College Drive

18 Town Plaza

1050 Main Avenue

225 Girard Street

(970) 247-5533

(970) 247-0526

(970) 403-3852

(970) 247-5792

Los Amigos Del Sur Mexican Restaurant

mammasilvias.com

oscarsdurango.com

ricemonkeysdurango.com

skabrewing.com

835 Main Avenue #106

McDonald’s

Papa Murphy’s

Seasons of Durango

Starbucks

(970) 764-4042

201 W College Drive

12 Town Plaza

764 Main Avenue

2817 Main Avenue

durangoamigos.com

(970) 247-2446

(970) 382-0961

(970) 382-9790

619 Main Avenue

Continued on Page 10

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[drink]

‘Drink Better Beer’: A guidebook for navigating the second craft beer revolution

»» Bernstein provides helpful tips while

examining the diversification of the industry The craft beer industry is riding its second wave. The first wave, which crested in the early 2000s, was the one that saw people turn toward craft beer and away from macrobrews, leading to the rise of thousands of breweries nationally and worldwide. Rather than numbers, the second wave is characterized by diversity.

Now that drinkers have a taste for craft beer, breweries are now competing with each other to come out with the next big thing – not just new styles of beer, but beer with CBD, beer-wine hybrids, non-carbonated beers, and even non-beer hard seltzers.

In an effort to make sense of everything going on, Joshua Bernstein wrote “Drink Better Beer: Discover the Secrets of the Brewing Experts,” which came out at the end of 2019. A veteran beer-writer, the author’s previous books include “Brewed Awakening,” “The Complete Beer Course,” “Complete IPA,” and “Homebrew World.”

In addition to brewers themselves, for “Drink Better Beer” Bernstein spoke to experts such as line-cleaning technicians, hop researchers, and professors to find out what’s actually pushing the industry forward and what makes today’s beers great.

Over the last five years or so, Bernstein said, people went from being excited about new beer releases every three months to every month, then to every week, and now to every day. Somewhere in there, we all developed shiny-newobject syndrome and stopped really thinking about what we were drinking.

“We didn’t ask ourselves what made this double IPA awesome or great to be consumed on day one or day 30 ... it became this sort of rush of acquisition without asking ourselves, ‘Who are the makers? What’s going on? What’s happening?’” he said. “I’m not asking everybody to have a dissertation-level Ph.D. on any beer, but really to ask yourself a few simple questions: Who made this? Was this made well? And should I buy it again?”

Courtesy of Joshua Bernstein

»» Joshua Bernstein is a journalist who writes about beer, spirits, food, and travel and is the author of several books on the craft beer industry.

After all, as the author points out, brewery taprooms are increasingly becoming places where everyone gathers, including the whole family – a far cry from the bar dad would go to by himself in generations past. It’s time for people to start taking greater ownership of the beers they drink.

Centrally located between Durango and Cortez on Route 160 in Mancos, Colorado

THE BUD FARM

“Drink Better Beer” contains useful advice for anyone who drinks beer on a regular basis, including style-specific tips on how to pour it and what food to pair it with. Eating a salad? Rinse out a glass with cold water and pour yourself a Kölsch. Pizza? An amber lager ought to do the trick.

Bernstein also uses the book to dive into current trends in the world of brewing. For instance, one of the things he finds fascinating is the experimentation currently being conducted on yeast strains. Whereas scientists of the recent past may have tried to breed new varieties of hops to influence beer flavor, some are now looking at re-engineering the single-celled organisms that ferment the beer in the first place.

“You’re seeing people hunt down wild yeast strains, and the microbial world is all around us – we’re only starting to see what it can do for beer. I think that’s really where I’m seeing things are going to go crazy,” he said.

Speaking of the microbial world, we had to ask Bernstein if he has advice for Continued on Page 8

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[art]

Musicians aren’t the only artists streaming their work right now Painters such as Durango’s Lauren Bell invite digital audiences into their studios influenced by painters like Egon Schiele.

Eat your heart out, happy little trees.

When COVID-19 lockdowns canceled all public events and closed non-essential businesses, many musicians moved online, sharing their skills and work in live-streaming shows and concerts, and even practice sessions. But they’re not the only artists reaching an audience through the internet. Though fewer in number, you can also find visual artists presenting their craft live in cyberspace.

One such artist is Durango-based painter Lauren Bell.

Each weekend since we’ve all been quarantining-at-home, Bell has been aiming her phone at an easel, turning on Instagram Live, and putting paint to canvas – while narrating what she’s doing and answering questions from the chat.

“I kind of figured that people are getting sick of, like, streaming Netflix,” she said. “When I’m doing this, it makes me feel like I’m less alone.”

Painting for an audience who are watching the process on a screen is not

While the purpose of Bell’s live feed – which can be found at @lbellart isn’t to instruct people how to paint, she’s a firm believer that anybody can make art. If anything, having an audience on a regular basis drives her own work.

Composite image of Instagram screenshot and photo courtesy of Lauren Bell

»» LEFT: Lauren Bell talks about a painting in progress during an Instagram Live stream on April 11. RIGHT: The completed painting, “Opulence Unwinding.”

“I keep being pushed by a few artists in town to keep painting, keep painting, keep painting because I will go through spurts where I’ll feel really inspired and paint, paint, paint, paint, paint — then I’ll just kind of go on a little hiatus.

And that’s kind of what I’ve done for a long time,” she said. “This is really nice because it’s forcing me to actually take an entire day to plan for it and to work on a piece and force myself back into my practice.”

without precedent. After all, instructional TV programming goes back further than even Bob Ross. Unlike “The Joy of Painting,” though, Bell’s streams are live The conversation, too, helps Bell enand last longer than 30 minutes, typically gage with the art. an hour or two. She’s also not painting “In school, that was kind of the whole landscapes; Bell’s works are vividly colthing: We would have critiques and we orful Expressionist-style female nudes would kind of go back and forth and do that type of thing,” she said. “Being out of school, you don’t have that opportunity much unless you’re a part of some sort of collective or have a lot of artist friends, and most of the people I went to school with have moved away.”

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Bell said she intends to keep doing the live streams even when the quarantines are lifted, and hopes to display [the art] in some sort of show in the future. You’ll be able to catch her work in person later this year, she said.

If you’re really hungry for live artistic creation, social media pages aren’t the only place to find it on the internet.

Alongside all the video game streaming, Twitch has a category for art. Is it mostly people drawing anime/manga characters? Yes. Is the next largest group drawFrom Page 7

beer drinkers weathering the coronavirus epidemic that has shut down many breweries completely and rendered others to-go only. His suggestion was a surprising one, coming from someone always looking into cutting edge developments in the brewing industry: Go back to your favorite flagship beers.

As beer-drinkers browse tap lists and liquor stores looking for the hot, new brew, they’re ignoring the ones that

ing furries? Also yes. But if you wade past all of that, you’ll also find some cool creatives.

Nen Chang, for instance, is a Georgia-based concept artist and illustrator who has been streaming her work on Twitch for just over four years. She was actively recruited by Twitch at a comic con, but has stuck with it because it gives her a way to connect with the people who enjoy her art.

“It gives like kind of an extra layer of like personal attention or personal access that is otherwise absent from things that are more traditional and like the social media landscape,” she said.

Chang, whose website describes her work as “neon fantasy pop-erotica with a death wish” (which feels appropriate to us), currently streams her work on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays and typically sees somewhere between 90 and 200 people on her channel.

As a professional artist, she finds that building a community around herself offers a degree of stability when weathering hard times.

“If you think of it, the artist is like a clownfish and their community is like an anemone, and in times of crisis, that anemone will protect the clownfish because, over time, the clownfish has fostered that anemone so that it is its home and its protection,” she said.

Chang’s streaming channel can be found at twitch.tv/killernen. The project she’s currently working on with partner Liz Tecca is a web serial called “Body&Shadow,” which she describes as a post-cyberpunk xianxia epic (so ... like, a Chinese costume drama/soap opera with cyberpunk elements).

—— Nick Gonzales made them fall in love with craft beer in the first place – the New Belgium Fat Tires and Bell’s Amber Ales of the world.

“A well-made classic beer fills you with comfort, and that’s what I think people should look for right now too. Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, Allagash White – that’s what I’m going to put into my grocery cart because they’re a sure thing in an uncertain world,” Bernstein said.

—— Nick Gonzales

8 | Thursday, April 23, 2020 •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

[art]

Get Outta Town: Take a digital tour of the Uffizi

»» I mean, you’re not leaving town ... and you’re certainly not traveling to Italy With a third of the population of planet Earth on coronavirus lockdown, we’ve begrudgingly accepted that it’s not the best time to take a vacation. With only a few exceptions, we’ve got to stay home for as long as it takes to get COVID-19 under control.

That said, you can pretend to take a tour of a foreign landmark online – and in our opinion, you might as well head somewhere in cyberspace that you definitely don’t want to visit right now in real life: Northern Italy.

Screenshot of Google Arts & Culture

»» Google’s Arts & Culture app lets you get right up in Venus’ business – without a museum guard tackling you to the ground. “But officer, I was just trying to kiss her.”

Specifically, Florence.

The city’s Uffizi Gallery is one of the art galleries you can tour virtually on Google’s Arts & Culture app. (You might already have the app on your phone – it’s the one that everyone was using to find works of art that look like their selfies back in January 2018.)

The Uffizi section of the app has four online exhibits with photos and info about works of art, 156 images of the art, a Google Street View version of the museum that you can wander around (that’s really easy to get lost in as you tilt your phone to look around), and one of those 3D phone-based VR “virtual tours” in which you can closely examine Sandro Botticelli’s “Birth of Venus” while a voice with a smooth, Italian accent (Simone Rovida) narrates the experience.

Why digitally tour the Uffizi? It’s one of the most important, largest, and most visited museums in Italy, featuring art primarily from the Italian Renaissance.

That’s right, it’s got stuff by the namesakes of your three favorite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Leonardo (da Vinci), Raphael, and Michelangelo. (Donatello’s works can be found elsewhere in Florence, but not here, you fans of turtles who “do machines.”)

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

»» If you don’t recognize Botticelli’s “The Birth of Venus,” we question how much pop culture you’ve consumed in the last 535 years.

the last Medici heiress, gifted the art collections to the city of Florence, which in turn opened the galleries up to the public in 1765, the Uffizi became one of the first modern art museums (though it didn’t officially become a “museum” until 1865).

If you don’t know much about the House of Medici – which financed the invention of opera and the piano, the building of Saint Peter’s Basilica, and the careers of Galileo, Leonardo da Vinci, Machiavelli, and Michelangelo – there’s a semi-fictionalized series about them on Netflix called “Medici.” It stars, among others, Richard Madden and Sean Bean, and though we haven’t watched it yet, we assume it’s like an Italian “Game of Thrones” with fewer dragons and more popes.

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When you’re done with your virtual tour of the Uffizi, add to the experience by ordering Italian food or pizza (there are a few places to get either in and around Durango) and watch “A Room with a View” or “Hannibal,” both of which are set at least partly in Florence.

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The complex of buildings itself was built for Cosimo I de Medici in 1580 as offices for Florentine Magistrates, but the Medici family used the top floor as a gallery for all the art and artifacts they collected. When Anna Maria Luisa,

Florence’s Uffizi gallery for free on Google’s Arts & Culture app.

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The most famous paintings in the gallery are probably those of Botticelli, including “The Birth of Venus” (windswept naked lady on a clamshell or old Adobe Illustrator logo, depending on how much of a nerd you are), “Primavera” (party in an orange grove), and “Adoration of the Magi” (crowd chilling in a decrepit building).

Courtesy of Michelle Maria/Wikimedia Commons

»» While a trip to Italy isn’t advisable right now, you can visit

LIGHT

—— Nick Gonzales

��������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������� Thursday, April 23, 2020 | 9

[film]

Bored in isolation? Here are three early-2000s thrillers about people trapped in a location If you’re like us, you’ve now lost count of the days you’ve been in self-isolation – but you’re not actually alone. You’re semi-quarantined with whoever shares your space, be they family, significant other, or roommate, who you’re seeing a lot more of now than you did before.

And at times, it feels like you’re trapped there with them.

brownstone on New York City’s Upper West Side. The previous owner of the house installed a panic room to protect the inhabitants from intruders, which, naturally, comes in handy immediately after the mother and daughter move in, as three burglars show up to rob the place of bearer bonds locked in a safe ... in the panic room.

How can you cope with this? Maybe watch a thriller about people trapped in a room. It’ll entertain you, and who knows? You might learn something.

(At the very least, how not to kill your housemate.)

The burglars – Forest Whitaker, Dwight Yoakam, and Jared Leto – are perfectly cast as criminals with varying levels of threatening-ness. (And let’s be honest, who doesn’t have regular nightmares about a Jared Leto home invasion?) As in “Silence of the Lambs,” Jodie Foster is great at playing someone freaking out but still staying crafty and competent enough to outwit the bad guys.

People trapped in a location has been a popular topic to explore for as long as people have been making films. But for some reason, a whole bunch of them came out in the early 2000s. Why? We don’t know. But our best guess is that after worrying about Y2K and/or 9/11, a lot of people were fantasizing about shutting themselves away and locking out the rest of the world, and that concept gave birth to a slew of screenplays with isolation as a plot element.

Anyway, here are three of our favorites from that era:

“Panic Room” (2002) This was director David Fincher’s first film after “Fight Club,” and while it’s nowhere near as iconic, it’s still both interesting and gripping. Jodie Foster plays the divorced mother of tween Kristen Stewart as they move into a huge

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Incredibly bloody and brutal, the film won the Grand Prix at the 2004 Cannes Film Festival after receiving a ton of praise from Quentin Tarantino. And the film never really focuses on anybody’s feet, so that’s actually saying something.

It’s definitely not a movie to watch with your family, though. And neither is the 2013 Spike Lee remake starring Josh Brolin.

“The Hole” (2001)

This Nick Hamm-directed British If you want to really examine the film cult film was afterwards, you can talk about its portrayal of race and gender and whether or never released theatrically in not its approach to mortality is authenthe U.S. despite tic. Or you could just enjoy a well-made thriller like a normal person. starring Thora Birch, who was relatively big at “Oldboy” the time, following “American Beauty” (2003) and “Ghost World.” A then-unknown Sure, “ParKeira Knightley is also in it, as one of asite” is great, four teens who get trapped for 18 days but “Oldboy” is while screwing around in an abandoned the movie that nuclear fallout shelter. made a bunch of us film nerds take notice of South Korean cinema (*cleans smudge off hipster glasses, adjusts thin plaid scarf.*) Directed by Park Chan-wook, this film is less about the 15 years the protagonist, played by Choi Min-sik, spends imprisoned in a hotel room and more about his quest for revenge upon escaping from it – and the convoluted plot at

From Page 8 (970) 382-1783

play behind the scenes in every aspect of his life.

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The movie starts off slow, but grows increasingly weird and unhinged as it retells the story “Rashomon”-style, and the actual motivations of the characters come to light. Without spoiling too much, the film is rather vague on how you’re supposed to feel about Birch’s character, and that point seems to have evenly divided critics. Your mileage may vary.

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10 | Thursday, April 23, 2020 •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

[film]

The struggle to appreciate art in tough times

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stay safe mix & match A month ago, in the early days of our stay-at-home and flatten-the-curve efforts, I wrote a piece titled “What to watch when you want to feel good in a time of crisis,” in which I stated we should try revisiting our favorite movies as a pick-me-up. Apparently, that advice was easier said and written than done for me. Fortunately, I haven’t watched any virus related films yet, but the melancholy tones and themes have been seeping into my watchlist to fit my fighting mood during this isolation.

I have viewed a few of my personal favorites in the past month, like Victor Fleming’s “Gone with the Wind” (1939), Bob Fosse’s “Cabaret” (1972), Baz Luhrmann’s “Romeo + Juliet” (1996), and Andy Tenant’s “Ever After” (1998).

The only film I’ve viewed that would really qualify as uplifting was “Ever After,” because it’s just one of the better adult-reimagined interpretations of a classic fairytale.

“Cabaret” is one of my all-time favorite musicals, but plot-wise, it’s pretty dark. Outside of the club scenes — and even those are a bit sardonic — the story is still set during the early days of WWII. “Gone with the Wind” has some of the most inspirational moments in cinema history, including when Scarlett finally returns home after escaping a burning Atlanta, yet, ultimately, it’s still a stark Civil War film. “Romeo + Juliet” pretty much speaks for itself. Other viewing sessions included: Evan Gold-

berg & Seth Rogen’s “This is the End” (2013); Alex Garland’s “Ex Machina” (2015); Josh & Benny Safdie’s “Good Time” (2017); and Pawel Pawlikowski’s “Cold War” (2018). All four films deal with themes that are rather menacing or ominous — “Ex Machina” is a cautionary tale on the creation of artificial intelligence; “Good Time” is a fast-paced,

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schizophrenically toned crime thriller about two bank-robbing brothers on the run; and “Cold War” is a WWII romance drama set in Europe. Even “This is the End,” a very funny comedy, has an apocalyptic theme. I guess what I’m trying

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to say is that sometimes it’s naturally easier to gravitate toward art that’s fitting your current mood or the tone of present events than to try to force yourself to be happier. Even my music choices while using my phone or laptop have been pretty melancholy, along the lines of Jeff Buckley and Elliott Smith, though I’ve managed to move toward the more upbeat sound of The Strokes.

So with this April being one of the more depressing months in recent history, let’s hope there’s something optimistic in May to influence us in more ways than one.

W H I L E S U P P L I E S L A S T, R E S E T R I C T I O N S M AY A P P LY, A L L P R I C E S P R E TA X

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—— Megan Bianco

������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������� Thursday, April 23, 2020 | 11

What will you do when disaster strikes?

Experts weigh in on responding to survival scenarios

By Nick Gonzales DGO STAFF WRITER

A s much as it might seem that way as you reach the end of your last roll of toilet paper, staring down the barrel of having to

make a trip to the supermarket and dodge its roving horde of potential disease vectors, COVID-19 is not the end of the world.

But the coronavirus outbreak does have us thinking: What if the world was ending? If there was a clear and present disaster that was going to bring society as we know it to an end, what would we do?

Three immediate responses leap to mind: a) we abandon everything and disappear into the wilderness, where things will be rougher, but at least there won’t be any people to deal with; b) we stay where we are, doing our best to survive in the same place; or c) we fork over however much cash we need to get into somebody else’s survival bunker – after all, we certainly haven’t built our own.

To see how viable each of these options are, we spoke to the experts.

Head for the hills If and when disaster strikes, can we just pack a bunch of stuff into a backpack, hightail it to the nearest wilderness area, and vanish into the backcountry? For many around the Four Corners, it’s a compelling fantasy, doomsday or otherwise.

According to Jessie Krebs, the head instructor at SERE Training School (which

12 | Thursday, April 23, 2020 •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������� Thursday, April 23, 2020 | 13

Courtesy of Jim Cobb

»» Jim Cobb edits and writes books and publications on disaster survival and preparation.

Courtesy of Jessie Krebs

»» Jessie Krebs is a former U.S. Air Force SERE training instructor. has dedicated survival training locations near Denver, Boulder, and Durango), the short answer is “maybe.” Humans have done it for the majority of our existence, she noted.

Krebs, a former U.S. Air Force SERE (survival, evasion, resistance, and escape) training instructor, has trained hundreds of people on how to survive in hostile environments around the world.

The classes she teaches focus primarily on the skills you’d need to survive if something went wrong on your backpacking trip and you have to survive in the middle of nowhere until you get rescued. But there’s some overlap between those skills and the ones you’d need if you wanted to adopt a nomadic lifestyle.

But you’d probably need to learn those skills in advance, nonetheless.

Knot tying, for instance, is a particularly useful skill that people just don’t know anymore, she said.

“We get tension straps and we create buckles and systems and things to use, but if you know how to use knots, you can do everything from lower yourself out of a burning or earthquake-damaged building or off of a pour-over or something in a canyon somewhere, so it can be outdoor or more inner-city,” she said.

“You can make a litter, you can tie up a splint if you’re injured, you can build a shelter, you can build a raft; there’s so much I can do with just a simple knot.”

And that’s just one of the hundreds of skills you can learn right now that may come in handy later on.

“I think it’s good not only for survival, whether its doomsday or just day-today kind of things, to have a sense of self-competency. You never know when you may have a skill that somebody else doesn’t have and you can step in and really save the day or help someone out significantly just by having a skill other people don’t normally have.”

If you have to suddenly put together a kit of things you’re going to take with you into the woods, you should keep five basic needs in mind, Krebs said, as well as how long you think you’ll be away from civilization. You’ll need: • Something to signal with, especially in a survival scenario where you’re going to require rescue or someone else’s help. This can be electronic, pyrotechnic or a ground-to-air device such as a signal mirror.

• Personal protection in the form of something to regulate your body temperature, a form of shelter, and something to make fire. The temperature and weather are going to vary, and your normal clothes probably aren’t going to cut it.

• Sustenance – ways to obtain water and food. On the hydration side, this might mean canteens and a water purifier or iodine tablets; for food, perhaps

snare wire and a fishing kit.

• Ways to maintain your health. This will include a first aid kit as well as any guides on how to not just keep yourself physically healthy (including whatever medications you need to live), but also maintain a sense of mental and emotional stability. You may need to keep yourself calm, especially when you’re trying to fix the bone that’s now sticking out of your leg.

• And travel items, such as a map and compass. You may have to navigate across various terrains.

Luckily, Krebs said, the easiest environment to survive in is one with mild temperatures, a lot of vegetation and animals, but few predators – basically, the majority of North America. In other words, run into the woods or plains, not the barren desert.

Home sweet home The school of thought that says, “in the event of a major crisis, I’m going to head for the hills and live off the land for the rest of my days,” is flawed, according to Jim Cobb, editor of “Prepper Survival Guide Magazine” and author of the “Backwoods Survival Guide.”

“They’re right. They will live off the land for the rest of their days,” he said.

“The problem is the number of those days is probably going to be far fewer than they thought it was going to be

because they don’t know what they’re doing. There are very few people, relatively speaking, who have the skills, the abilities and the mindset sufficient to run off to the woods to live off the land forever.”

What does he recommend people do instead? Stay where you are.

“It’s such a funny little catchphrase, ‘It takes a village,’ but it’s true. You can’t do it all by yourself. You need other people around,” Cobb said. “Survival is a lot easier when you have several people involved who can divide the work and tend to the gardens, and produce the food, and preserve the food, and cook the meals, and purify the water, and help with the laundry and the cleaning, and deal with first aid and all this.”

While many in the disaster preparation community like to romanticize the end of the world, stockpiling bottles of water and ammunition, Cobb suggests that some of the most useful skills are the ones that your corporate HR department will force you to attend seminars on — interpersonal communication skills and conflict resolution.

“These are things that we hear about in the business world. We don’t care about them much in the survival world, but they’re just as important. The leaders of the group need to be able to help everybody get along. If everybody’s fighting, no work gets done,” he said.

Like Krebs, Cobb says that you’ll be better off if you start learning skills and

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Courtesy of Fortitude Ranch

»» Drew Miller is the CEO of Fortitude Ranch, a company with survival communities in Colorado and West Virginia.

ciently, and you might be good to go.

Gimme shelter Learning survival skills and preparing for disaster is all well and good, but if you’ve got the funds, do you really need to do any of it yourself?

Courtesy of Fortitude Ranch

»» A guard gazebo at Fortitude Ranch’s West Virginia location. The benefit of living in a preplanned survival community, Drew Miller said, is the security it can provide.

even preparing before a disaster happens. He preaches the rule of survival thermodynamics, an idea survivalist author Ragnar Benson came up with: Don’t invest energy into an activity that’s not going to benefit you with an equal or greater amount of energy afterward.

“It makes very little sense to grab a rifle and spend all day long tracking game in the woods to come back with one squirrel, because the benefit you’re going to get out of that squirrel is outweighed by all of the energy you expended all day long traipsing through the forest. Whereas, if you were to go out and set 25 traps and snares, and take an hour and a half to do it, and then go back to your house, your village, whatever, and go through your day and then come back in the evening or the next morning and collect a few animals, you’ve made a wiser choice in terms of how you’re going to expend your energy.”

If you head into the apocalypse with skills that will allow you to conserve energy, such as trapping and gardening instead of hunting and scavenging, you’ll be better off. Plus, when you develop a surplus and befriend others with skills that complement your own, you can start rebuilding a little society.

Physically preparing for disaster also doesn’t have to be as difficult as pop culture makes it look, Cobb said. You don’t need to buy pallets of survival food and a bunker in which to store them.

Instead, when you go shopping just add a few extra shelf-stable foods that you already eat, such as dry pasta and jarred sauce, to your cart. But don’t leave it on your shelf forever; rotate it out and use it on a regular basis – having all this extra food isn’t going to do you much good if it’s all long-expired.

Combine that food, though, with some sort of filtration system for water, and skills to gather more resources effi-

No. Let other professional preppers do it for you – at least that’s the business model behind Fortitude Ranch, a survival community with multiple locations, run by Drew Miller. For about $1,000 per person annually, you can book your spot in an existing community in the woods that’s already equipped with everything you’ll need when the world ends. (And assuming the world isn’t ending, your membership entitles you to use the lodges for recreation.)

In addition to a site in West Virginia and more planned elsewhere, Fortitude Ranch has a community in Colorado, at a secret location somewhere around the Sangre De Cristo Mountains (we think). While COVID-19 is nowhere near as bad as a virus would have to be to necessitate heading to one of his bunkers, Miller points out that they were designed with a pandemic in mind.

“A typical survival place you think of is a deep underground shelter where everyone’s kind of sharing the same air supply and recirculating air. We’ve never done that. ... We have a lot of separate buildings, and even if you’re in a place that has a lot of rooms in a building that’s underground, we have outside air vents so that you have your own air supply. We’re designed to operate under

quarantine-type conditions if we need to,” he said.

The ranches have a year-round staff that maintains them and the animals on the ranches – yes, there will be horses in the end times. The staff is also trained in a number of those skills that Cobb mentioned, including growing food and raising livestock. While the staff does not necessarily include medical professionals, Miller said that there are people from the medical community on the member side of the equation.

The key thing that makes his ranches a better idea than going it alone, Miller said, is the security they provide.

“If it’s a really bad collapse and you’re a prepper, you’ve actually just made yourself more of a target,” he said. “If you’ve got a lot of supplies and you cannot defend them, especially at night, against a well-organized marauder gang, you’re almost worse off. ... It’s not easy to keep guards on duty; it takes a lot of discipline and a lot of people.”

Fortunately, if you’re a member of Fortitude Ranch, the staff is also trained to do exactly that.

Unfortunately, if you live closer to the Colorado location than the West Virginia one, you’re out of luck. The membership of the ranches is capped by how many people they can fit in during a disaster scenario, and at least for the moment, Colorado’s is at capacity, Miller said.

Back to the disaster drawing board, we guess.

������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������� Thursday, April 23, 2020 | 15

[weed]

Need some fun in your boring, quaranined life?

Try the MAC strain from Prohibition Herb I decided earlier this week that if I had to save just one city in Texas it would be Houston. Someone out there would save lame ass San Antonio, but not me.

I would save Houston. It’s lowkey way cooler than Austin, which takes itself a little too seriously these days, and Dallas? Psh. Let’s not even go there. Why was I thinking about what Texas cities were worth my apocalyptic intervention, you ask? Well, we can just blame it on an overabundance of Texas-related coronavirus news and a little weed strain called MAC, which is new on the shelves at Prohibition Herb.

Before I bury my foot in my mouth with the Texas transplants any further though, let’s talk about what MAC is.

This strain is a hybrid that was created by crossing Alien Cookies x Colombian x Starfighter, which is why it’s named MAC. It’s an acronym for Miracle Alien Cookies. This particular batch tested at 28.84% THC, which is probably why my brain fell down a huge rabbit hole and

Before I get to that, though, I’d like to comment a bit on how smooth this strain was. I didn’t cough or choke at all while smoking it, even though I was using a bong (which usually makes me gag like a child eating peas). I was also really pleased with how it tasted — nothing burnt or unappealing at all. It was just a smooth, easy ride.

Details Where to find the MAC strain: Prohibition Herb, 1185 Camino del Rio, prohibitionherb.com started contemplating the superiority of major cities in Tejas. Cause I was super freaking high after I smoked it.

Funny thing is, I only smoked half a bowl, too — but that half a bowl (which was admittedly smoked out of a bong, so that may have added to it) was quite enough to knock me on my literal ass.

The high, on the other hand, was a batshit crazy one. I started out feeling pretty mellow and amused, but that descended very quickly into “so far into my own head I’m borderline losing it” territory. To be clear, that was losing it in a good way. I kept thinking about everything — my thoughts were all over the place, and I was definitely borderline talking to myself in my own head at one point. I was so deep into the cavernous spaces of my brain that I was amused by everything — especially the idea of ranking Texas’ cities from best to worst.

Go figure.

I also had a raging body and head

high, which was evident by the fact that I thought at one point that I was wearing shoes on the couch. I wasn’t — that’s gross (fight me; it is) — but my brain was playing tricks on me to the point that I felt like my feet were secured in sturdy ass shoes, all wrapped up and comfy. I was in socks — why wear shoes when you literally can’t go anywhere ever — but if I’d had to guess, I would have SWORN there were shoes on my feet.

I also felt like there were waves of energy flowing out of my brain and into my body. I could feel literal waves of “energy” flowing, like I was some Marvel character with the dumbest ass superpower ever. “Let me just stop this villain with my super powerful energy waves of nonsense!” To say it was a body high is to really undercut what was happening.

The housemate that I smoked with, on the other hand, was convinced that she could feel waves of heat or like, something, flowing up from her chest Continued on Page 18

Enjoy 4:20 even more!

April 2020 + Social Distancing = Special Deals All Month!

GREAT STRAIN SELECTION • HASH & CONCENTRATE • EDIBLES • SEEDS • CLONES PIPES • SMOKING ACCESSORIES • APPAREL • MJ LITERATURE & CONSULTING • ATM ON-SITE Grandview Location (Durango) RECREATIONAL ONLY 9am - 8pm 37 County Road 232 (970) 426-4381

Bodo Park Location (Durango) MED 9am - 6:45pm REC 9am - 8pm 72 Suttle St. Units F & G (970) 259-3674

Cortez Location MED & REC 9am - 8:30pm 1104 E. Main Street Cortez, CO 81321 (970) 565-6500

The Alternative Resource

16 | Thursday, April 23, 2020 ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• �������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������

[weed]

Laugh your way into snoozing after smoking some Ice Cream Cake Indicas tend to go two ways for me. Either I’m a paranoid mess who can’t move and is convinced everyone knows I’m high, or I’m a sleepy mess who can’t move and knows everyone else knows I’m high but doesn’t care.

I much prefer the latter and was thankful to come across a strain this week that didn’t lead me down the Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

Cue the Ice Cream Cake. No, not the dessert. This particular form of Ice Cream Cake was the strain we picked up from our friends at The Green House in Durango.

Let’s dig into this strain then, shall we? Ice Cream Cake is an indica-dominant combo between Wedding Cake and Gelato #33, hence the name.

These pretty little numbers are covered with icy trichomes and are a spring shade of light green with a rainbow of dark green and orange flecks. The buds smell divine - sweet, peppery, and piney with hints of vanilla. I ask you to come up with a better smelling strain. I dare you.

Details Where to find Ice Cream Cake: The Green House, 730 S. Camino del Rio, thegreenhousecolorado. com/

As this is an indica-dominant strain with a 32.89% amount of THC and THCa, chances are you’re not going to be real inspired to clean your house after smoking this so we suggest lighting a bowel before you’re planning to go to bed or couch lock in front of the TV. That’s what we did anyway, but we’re never not ready to sit in front of the TV or go to bed.

After a while, however, the laughing fits wore off and was replaced by a heavy blanket of paralysis much to the relief of our roommates. Unfortunately, moving from my spot on the couch to quench my horrible case of cottonmouth seemed impossibly difficult.

It didn’t help that I was still coughing every now and then from our smoke sesh and getting the stink eye from my roommates for borderline choking My roommate and I lit up in the bathroom (don’t ask) and when it was while watching “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse,” (which it turns out is a my turn to take a hit from our handy GREAT option when you’re stoned). dandy dry herb vape, I was smacked down with an uncontrollable coughing I’m sorry for EVERYTHING, guys especially for trying to sing along to fit and what felt like fire rising from the soundtrack. my chest to my throat. Ya know, the good stuff.

Eventually, however, the indica won We spent most of the time geeking out over this strain. The buds are so pretty to look at after all, especially when you’re stoned. Ice Cream Cake also happens to add in a smattering of euphoria and thus turned us into worthless piles who couldn’t stop laughing which, as you can imagine, drove our sober roommates nuts.

out as it always does and I pulled a disappearing act on my roommates.

It turns out, I am the master of Irish goodbyes when I’m stoned. Goodbye, social etiquette. My brain has one goal in mind after a long evening of smoking and it’s how fast will I fall asleep when my head hits the pillow.

Continued on Page 19

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[weed]

Bored of your bong and booze bottle? Try Bliss’ weed-y chocolate peanut butter cups instead Your liver and your stomach will thank you cups are made with ingredients such as kanna, theobromine, magnolia, and L-theanine. Kanna, also known as Sceletium tortuosum, is a great ingredient for those of you looking for natural mood enhancers. This plant, primarily found in South Africa, has been a long-time antidote to reduce stress and offer euphoria.

When paired with cannabis, kanna’s two mood-altering effects combine to make super bliss. (Cue the superhero music.)

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that most of us are hitting the bottle and bong pretty hard these days. Maybe you’re even doing both at the same time.

Certainly not for anyone to judge, especially since in my household we are partaking in both, particularly on the marijuana front because who needs a hangover in days like these.

During my last excursion to the dispensary, I decided to go a different route than the “give me whatever you have that will get me stoned quickly and completely.” I am personally a big fan of the 1906 line of edibles and it’s been a hot minute since I last reviewed them so I decided to see what sort of products they’ve been hawking these days. Turns out this was a very good idea because I came across their Bliss line of dark chocolate peanut butter cups for HAPPINESS.

since I’ve even thought about happiness Act) was enacted, was founded in 2014 if it wasn’t accompanied by the word “no” by former Wall Street financier Peter in front of it. I took this as a sign from the Barsoom. weed gods and added it to my order.

“What I found when we first came In case you don’t know much about out here about two years ago was there 1906, the company named for the year was a big gap between what consumers’ Guys. Do you know how long it’s been the Wiley Act (the Pure Food and Drug needs are and what was on the market today, particularly in the edibles market,” DURANGO’S LARGEST PREMIUM CANNABIS DISPENSARY Barsoom told Business Insider in 2016.

RESPECT SOCIAL DISTANCING:

Customers may shop in the store, place online or phone order and we will have your order ready!

DISPENSARY 970-375-BUDS 742 1/2 Main Ave, Durango IN THE ALLEY

• All advertised prices include taxes • Best selection with highest THC • The only wheelchair-accessible dispensary in historic downtown

Largest waiting area to ensure you can be inside while waiting and comply with Social Distancing.

ASK ABOUT OUR NEW REWARDS PROGRAM!

WE ARE OPEN: 9AM - 7PM EVERY DAY!

970-375-BUDS santecolorado.com

These Bliss dark chocolate peanut butter cups come in a pack of two, similar in size to Reese’s and other chocolate cup treats. Each cup contains 5mg of THC and 5 mg of CBD so you’re not gonna get couch-locked stoned on these.

You can also purchase these in milk chocolate but if you are one of those people who would pick that over dark chocolate, stop reading this immediately and go think about your life choices.

Anywho. Bliss chocolate peanut butter From Page 16

into her throat. I was keenly aware that this wasn’t happening because, well, it wasn’t, but I definitely knew what she was alluding to. This strain was a mind eff if I’ve ever seen one.

It was also extremely fun. I laughed and laughed at nothing for what felt like hours. Oddly enough, though, I didn’t crash hard afterward like I would with some other strains that lead to body highs. The effects of MAC came on hard and fast but had a slow descent from super stoned to mostly sober and super hungry. So rather than sleep, I ate a bunch of food (everyone’s favorite

I don’t know about y’all, but I am stressed and sad 24/7 at this point. All I want is to sit in the sun on a patio at a brewery and throw back beers with my friends. But alas, the best I’ve got at this point is some Southern Comfort in my fridge and, well, Bliss.

I gotta say, I don’t embrace woo-woo plants and herbs too often, but these are desperate times. I gotta say though, I genuinely felt better after eating one of these little chocolates. I took one right before a virtual happy hour with friends and after about 20 minutes, felt much more energized and talkative than I have in days. The mound of anxiety resting squarely on my chest melted away for the time being and I found myself enjoying my evening a lot more than usual.

If you’re like me and are in desperate need of a little pick-me-up, I highly recommend investing in a few boxes of 1906 Bliss chocolates. They won’t fix what’s going on in the world, but they might make your life a little more tolerable at least for a few hours.

—— Sir Blaze Ridcully pastime right now) and watched “Dumb and Dumber” until I decided it was time to go to bed.

So, yeah. Houston > Every other Texas city, but I would have told you that sober. I would also tell you while sober that you should invest in this strain, if for nothing else than a few hours of unabashed amusement. That shit is hard to come by right now while we’re all locked in our proverbial castles, but MAC will help you right out. Just don’t smoke it and start ranking Colorado cities. All that will do is start a war, and we all know which ones are best anyway. ;) —— DGO Pufnstuf

18 | Thursday, April 23, 2020 •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

[weed]

Dispensary listings

Durango

Santé , 742 ½ Main Ave., 970-375-2837, santecolorado.com

farm.net

Acme Healing Center, 1644 Co Rd 203, 970-247-2190, acmehealingcenter.com

Telluride Bud Company, 3473 Main Ave., 970-422-8311, telluridebc.com

LivWell Mancos, 449 Railroad Ave. #1, 970-533-9848, livwell.

Colorado Grow Co., 965 1/2 Main Ave., 970-259-1647, coloradogrowcompany.com

Cortez

Durango Organics - Bodo Park, 72 Suttle Street, Suite F, 970-259-3674, durangoorganics.com Durango Organics - Grandview, 37 Co Rd 232, 970-4264381, durangoorganics.com Durango Rec Room, 145 E. College Drive, 970-764-4087, durangorecroom.com The Greenery, 208 Parker Ave., Suite E, 970-403-3710, durangogreenery.com The Homestead, 927 CO-3, 970-422-3282, info@mammothfarms.com Prohibition Herb, 1185 Camino del Rio, 970-385-8622, prohibitionherb.com

com/mancos

Chronic Therapy, 1020 S. Broadway, 970-529-2045, chronictherapy.co

Pagosa Springs

Doobie Sisters, 695 N. Broadway, 970-565-2345, doobiesistersco.com

Good Earth Meds. 600 Cloman Blvd. #1, 970-731-3202,

Durango Organics Cortez, 1104 E. Main Street, 970-5656500, durangoorganics.com

goodearthmeds.com

The Herbal Alternative, 1531 Lebanon Road, 970-529-7007, theherbalalternative.net LivWell Cortez, 1819 E. Main Street, 970-565-9577, livwell.com/ cortez The Medicine Man, 310 E. Main Street, 970-564-5181, cortezmedicineman.com

Kinfolk Farms, 83 Davidson Creek Road, 970-759-8683

Mancos

Rocky Mountain High, 120 E. 36th Street, 970-259-4093, rockymountainhigh.co

The Beacon, 230 N. Oak, 970-533-9848

The Green House, 270 E. Pagosa Street, 970-264-4420, greenhousepagosa.com Pagosa Therapeutics, 235 Bastille Drive, 970-731-4420, pagosatherapeutics.com San Juan Strains, 365 E. Pagosa Street, Unit B, 970-264-5323, sanjuanstrains.com

The Bud Farm, 385 N. Willow Street, 970-533-9931, thebud-

Smoke Rings, 266 E Pagosa Street, 970-264-0942

From Page 16

From Page 4

And your wife’s body isn’t repulsive.

She’s not someone you’re attracted to, ITS, and you’re not obligated to find short and round women sexually appealing. But while “tall and slim” are more closely associated with conventional concepts of attractiveness, ITS, not everyone’s into tall and slim. There are people who are into short and round and people out there who are attracted to all body types and people who are utterly indifferent to bodies.

Your wife deserves the chance to find someone who’s sincerely attracted to her. Even being alone would be better

than spending decades with someone who recoils from her touch.

(subjective and personal) and good on

Turns out, real friggin’ fast and hard

the inside. And the longer you’re with

with the added bonus of a much need-

For the record: What’s on the inside does count. It matters. If you met a woman who was more conventionally attractive — if you were with someone who was your idea of hot — and over time she revealed herself to be an asshole (if she was rude to waiters, if she was emotionally abusive, if she was a Trump supporter, etc.), your attraction to her would wither away.

someone, ITS, the more important

ed dreamless sleep. No weird, vivid,

good on the inside becomes.

COVID-19 dreams for me! No, ma’am,

What you want — not what you’ll get, ITS, but the best you can hope for — is some combo of hot on the outside

Time is a motherfucking meat grinder and it makes hamburger out of us all.

If you prioritize you’re idea of hot over all other qualities, you run the very real risk of spending decades with a person

because I don’t know about the rest of If you’re a fan of indicas, sleeping, laughing, butterflies, and rainbows you best hunt down your own stash of Ice Cream Cake. You’ll most likely find yourself laughing your ass off before

who has aged out of hot and was never

exhausting yourself into drooling all

nice.

over your pillows.

—— Dan Savage

—— Sir Blaze Ridcully

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WE ARE HERE TO HELP LOCAL BUSINESSES DGO is offering special rates during this difficult time so that you can stay in contact with your customers.

WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER! Contact Us: 970-375-4553

sales@dgomag.com

Help Wanted/Full Time

Hiring Shift Supervisors & Crew Work at Wendy’s where you can get a portion of your pay the day after working. We offer flexible schedules, free meals, and many benefits, including college scholarships and partnerships and insurance benefits. Apply today by Texting WCS to 242424 or apply online at nowhiring. com/WCS

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Office space 5000 sq.ft. w/ garage at

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Call 970-259-2034 for more details.

Various rentals available.

Action Property Management (970) 382-0134 durangorealestate rentals.com

+ Add an Event

to the DGO calendar with

������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������� Thursday, April 23, 2020 | 21

[sex]

A dispatch from a braless, bleeding, C^$!-reading sex coach sheltering at home One positive I have found from the stay-at-home order is the opportunity to go braless! It is my favorite, easy pleasure to come home at the end of the day and take off my bra. The release of pressure, the sense of freedom, and the easing of containment. I’m lucky my girls are of moderate size and manageable.

My bras don’t have to have metal underwires; they do, however, need to provide enough coverage for “polite” society so as not to elicit gasps as nipples react to cold breezes or breasts swing a little too freely while strutting down the street.

But with a pandemic forcing me behind a desk and clients only seeing my head and neck, I can be braless. The breasts can rest comfortably where they land--slightly to the sides and, with age, a little lower — and I no longer celebrate the removal of the bra with a sigh and a flourish. The pleasure is found in all-day freedom! I’ve heard that pantless is a thing for other folks who are on video calls for work instead of in an office. I don’t know if pantless can compare to braless...

In a previous life, I worked in the lingerie department of a big box store and my favorite part of the job was matching folks with a great fitting bra. I talked with lots of people who were frustrated with ill-fitting bras but had never been properly fitted. I also encountered folks who did not want me, a total stranger, to join them in the fitting room for a measurement. Happily, times have changed when it comes to fitting and buying bras.

Breast owners can find the best fit from home and order bras that not only look good but feel good too.

Going braless is not an option for all breasts, however, painful containment is not a requirement anymore. It’s not that breasts want to be contained, it’s that they need support because flopping about doesn’t feel all that great AND society is a bit puritanical about nipples — #FreeTheNipple — and free-swinging breasts. So I understand why breast owners continue to wrap up the ladies in lace, cups, underwires, and padded straps.

In between teaching kindergarten to my kiddo and pivoting my business to online-only, I glanced around the interwebs for the best of the best online bra companies. True & Co, Third Love, and Impish Lee caught my eye. FYI - none of these companies are paying me and I’m

not getting a free bra out of this.

True & Co and Third Love use a similar fitting system. It’s a series of questions about how your current bra fits and how your breasts look and act (revolutionary!). They use your answers to tell you what size bra you need to purchase. The questionnaire takes about 5 minutes to complete and both companies provide you with your size and suggested bras from their store. True & Co has moved more into bralettes and seamless support. Third Love has a wider range of materials and they offer half-sizes. I think either company is a feel-good purchase and will come down to personal preference so check them both before hitting the check out button.

Impish Lee provides instructions with pictures and a video on how to get your measurements. Impish Lee is a custom design shop, meaning you give them your details up to and including the materials you want to be used on your bra and they make it for you. I love this innovative, personal take on lingerie and appreciate that the design power is in the buyer’s hands. This also means you’ll be paying more than $100 for one bra.

Your breasts are worth it!

All three of these companies are body positive spaces and celebrate the reality that all bodies are built differently. You can also use their fitting tools and Impish Lee’s greatly detailed measurements to learn more about what your true bra size is. With this knowledge, you can spend your hard-earned money on buying bras locally in the size that best fits you.

So while you may not be looking to buy a new bra right now, when you are ready you now have more knowledge and resources to find a bra that fits just right. Or you can embrace frolicking braless and give polite society the pointed nipple!

menstruation and in reality, I’m going to talk about some more kick-ass, online companies supporting female bodies!

First up is Lunapads, a Canadian company (of course), who has been working to provide environmentally- and body-friendly menstrual products for decades. They’ve recently rebranded as Aisle and I cannot rave about their business and products highly enough. Their use of body inclusive models, alone, is a bright spot in the be-skinny-and-looksexy-while-bleeding industry.

If you are not ready to dive into reusable, cotton menstrual underwear/ pads and you swear by tampons then this next company is your go-to. Lola The inverse to braless joy is the pain, is a newer company but really good at literally, in the uterus. Sure menstruawhat they do - a subscription service for tion is the mostly monthly reminder of organic cotton tampons. You get to pick a female’s true power. Except menstrual and choose the sizes you need and how products are taxed, made with terrible often you need them delivered to your chemicals, and females are not taught door! This is a money-saving awesome to embrace their power but rather to be option for folks who live in rural areas ashamed of it. Also, menstruating can or places where there isn’t an alternafucking hurt. Some cramps are comtive grocery store that stocks organic, parable to stage 2 contractions during cotton tampons. They also make pads, birthing! products for cramps, and products for Ideally, I am promoting the importance sex. I recommend adding the cleansing of connecting emotionally and spirituwipes from Lola’s sex collection to your ally with the mostly monthly power of Continued on Page 23

22 | Thursday, April 23, 2020 •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Horoscope ARIES (March 21 to April 19) Trust your moneymaking ideas right now because it is possible to boost your income. You might see ways to make money on the side or you might see a new way entirely of making money. Perhaps a new job.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Right now the Moon is in your sign dancing with both Pluto and Jupiter. This makes all your feelings very strong; however, it also makes you positive and happy.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Solitude in beautiful surroundings will please you right now. Ironically, even though you are by yourself, you will do something that expands your world in some way.

Curious.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22) A discussion with a friend will lift your spirits and make you feel more upbeat. You might even be involved with a group discussion in some fashion. It’s all good.

LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22)

From Page 22

camping kit.

These are my top recommendations for menstrual products and, happily, this is a growing market so there are other companies you can fall in love with. I’m also not receiving anything for praising Aisle or Lola - only my self-satisfaction that I’m introducing folks to incredible, do-good companies.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)

Dealing with children will be a positive experience at this time. It will also be a powerful experience, emotionally and in how it might change how you see things.

Right now you long to do something different. Quite likely, you can’t travel. However, you can travel through film, books and movies. Do something that stretches your mind.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18)

LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22)

PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20)

This is a good time to settle loose details about inheritances, shared property and insurance disputes. Things will tend to go your way.

You will be convincing in your communications with others right now, which is why people will listen to you.

In fact, you will be irresistible!

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)

BORN DURING THESE TWO WEEKS

Relations with partners and close friends are positive right now, in large measure because you are in a positive frame of mind. Happy people attract winning situations.

You’re very creative. You have your own style and your own approach to whatever you do. You are practical and have a relaxed style. This is a year of change and new opportunities! Expect to encounter adventure and stimulating situations. Grab every chance to travel and expand your world through learning new things. Welcome change! Let your personal freedom be your goal this year.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) In your work right now, you might be involved with people from other countries or dealing with distant contacts. You also might hear good news about your health.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19)

Do something to improve your home right now. Focus on areas related to recycling, garbage, bathrooms, plumbing and laundry. Do it.

(c) 2019 King Features Syndicate, Inc.

Bizarro

You will be successful when dealing with parents, bosses and VIPs right now, whether in person or through

digital media. This is because whatever you do or say will make you look knowledgeable and successful.

An aside: During my downtime (ha!) I am re-reading Cunt by Inga Muscio and today of all days, I reread the chapter on menstruation, titled Blood and Cunts. If you have not read Cunt, drop what you are doing and order a copy now. This is the juiciest and feisty feminist literature I have read to date. Inga has zero fucks to give and it feels good to read words on the page about industries that only want my money and not my health. It feels so good to read lines like, “It takes time, focus and energy to realize the enormity of being the ocean with your very own tide every month.” It feels good to remember that I found Lunapads because I read Cunt two decades ago.

So today my column is scat-

tered and a little snarky in its rambling thoughts. Rather than polish it to a high shine, I give you this part of myself. The messy, scattered, irreverent self who is only trying to make it to tomorrow, next week, next month without losing too much or too many people along the way.

Erin Brandt (she/her/hers) has been a sexologist for 15 years. When she’s not spreading sexual knowledge, Erin can be found learning from her child, hiking with her partner, cuddling with her pitbull, knitting with her cat, dancing with friends, and searching for the nearest hammock and ocean breeze.

Want more? Visit www.positivesexed.com

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R E C R E AT I O N A L D I S P E N S A R Y

Offering online ordering through Weedmaps.com and Leafly.com $99 oz $120 for 8 grams

Weed love to help you!

GRANDVIEW AREA MAP

Kinfolk Farms

Three Springs Blvd

Durango Pet Resort

East Owen Road

WIlson Gulch Drive

AJ’s Geenhouse Nursery

Southwest Appliance

160

Davidson Creek Road

of concentrate $120 for 6 clones OUT THE DOOR PRICING Every sanitation effort is being made during these hard times. We offer Leafly and Weedmaps online ordering with fast pickup in store.

Check our Web Site and Instagram for any new updates.

160

All Items Include Tax · 8am-8pm, Seven Days A Week (970)759-8683 · 83 Davidson Creek Road Durango, CO · https://kinfolk-farms.com/