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April 9-22, 2020

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STAFF

What’s inside Volume 5 Number 8 Thursday, April 9, 2020

Editor

Surf ‘N’ Turf Tacos ... now with social distancing!

Angelica Leicht aleicht@bcimedia.com 375-4551 Staff writer

These al pastor pork tacos from the Surf ‘N’ Turf food truck transported us somewhere tropical and we would like 12 more, please and thanks.

Nick Gonzales ngonzales@durangoherald.com Sales Chandler Sommerfeldt csommerfeldt@bcimedia.com 375-4553 Contributors

4

From the blog

5

Eat & Drink

Ska Hard Seltzer 5

Faygo Taste Test 5

Surf ‘N’ Turf tacos

7 Art

Megan Bianco Amanda Push

Laraina Hailey Design/layout Tracie Louck

Douglas Bennett V.P. of Advertising

Jamie Opalenik

The process of searching to see what was open and what they were doing for this issue motivated us to hit up Surf N’ Tacos, a food truck we’d never tried before.

10 Get a weed-ucation in virtual format

DGO is a free biweekly publication distributed by Ballantine Communications Inc., and is available for one copy per person. Taking more than five copies of an edition from a distribution location is illegal and is punishable by law according to Colorado Revised Statute 18-9-314.

DGO Magazine is published

by Ballantine Communications Inc., P.O. Drawer A, Durango, CO 81302

Bored? Join the club. Luckily, we have a few options for you antsy stoners out there (or for those of you who are just plain bored) to crack those knuckles and get to work on some cannabis learnin’.

Tell us what you think!

Got something on your mind? Have a joke or a story idea or just something that the world needs to know?

Send everything to editor@dgomag.com

8

Virtual cannabis classes 10

16 Weed

375-4570

6 Surf ‘N’ Turf tacos during quarantine

Quarantine gaming

11 Get Outta Town

Nick Gonzales/DGO Mag

Reader Services Chief Executive Officer

Social distance powwow 7

8 Entertainment

Erin Brandt

6

Reviews 16-18

21 Classifieds

17 A cheeky review of Longs Peak Blue

22 Sex & love

You know those strains that immediately transport you from a productive, semi-useful member of society to a happy but useless blob of slime? Yeah, welcome to our experience with Longs Peak Blue.

23 Puzzles/horoscopes

/dgomag

/dgomag @dgo_mag

ON THE COVER Pinups with plenty of paint, err... ink.

Tracie Louck for DGO

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FROM THE BLOG

»» News from our site on the interwebs you may have missed RIP to one of the most underrated musicians in Hollywood

worse? The internet was not helpful, and I didn’t feel comfortable asking the sleep specialist.

Sometimes the best thing about a film isn’t from the script, the cast or the director, but an element hovering over the content, like when a film has an amazing marketing team, but the quality doesn’t necessarily live up to the hype of the promotion (see most films by J.J. Abrams or Zack Snyder). Or when an actor is too good for the movie, but you see it anyway because you’re such a big fan (which is usually me with Henry Thomas and Melanie Lynskey). And sometimes it’s in the arrangement of the music of a feature.

Really Excited To Choke Harmlessly

With classics like Mike Nichols’ “The Graduate” (1967), Martin Scorsese’s “GoodFellas” (1990) or Sofia Coppola’s “Lost in Translation” (2003), the soundtrack is an essential part of the films’ brilliance and success. Then there are those soundtracks that end up eclipsing the movie. While I wouldn’t deny John Badham’s “Saturday Night Fever” (1977) is a great picture, the fact that so many people appear to mistakenly view it as a disco version of Randal Kleiser’s “Grease” (1978) shows how much the

Paul Erik/Wikimedia Commons BeeGees penned songs overshadow the »» Adam Schlesinger in concert with Fountains of Wayne. rather dark theme of the story.

The loose live-action adaptation of included on one of the many power pop Last week we lost one of the most the famous 1970s cartoon flopped on records blowing up at the time. Hanley prolific, yet overlooked, songwriters and release because Universal Pictures didn’t herself has said even now she’s surprised producers in the music industry when know how to market it.

The comedy was the soundtrack is where music fans recAdam Schlesinger suddenly died at age more of a parody on show business than ognize her voice the most.

52 of complications of COVID-19 after a straight adaptation and while it starred Much like a lot of things in life lately, being hospitalized with a ventilator. To starlets Rachael Leigh Cook, Tara Reid, a pleasant surprise can be found in an those who were fans of pop music or and Rosario Dawson from popular teen unexpected place occasionally. movies, his name would be familiar. He was member and co-writer of the bands movies, its target audience was closer to —— Megan Bianco 20 to 30 year olds.

Fountains of Wayne and Ivy, where he collaborated in creating the 2003 mega-hit pop-rock single “Stacy’s Mom” for the former, and the popular 2000 indie-alt song “Edge of the Ocean” for the latter. To older music fans, he produced the best received reunion album for the Monkees in 2016 with “Good Times!” Off stage, Schlesinger was also one of the busiest composers in film and TV. He crafted the catchy, near perfect pop theme song to Tom Hanks’ sleeper hit “That Thing You Do!” (1996) and is most recognized these days as one of the regular composers of the musical sitcom “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” (2015-2019).

As a former early ’00s tween, the soundtrack I associate Schlesinger the most with is for Harry Elfont & Deborah Kaplan’s “Josie & the Pussycats” (2001).

It would take over a decade for the movie to find a modest following, but one thing from Josie that was always acknowledged by the few who were aware of it, was the soundtrack. Universal recruited famous names like Schlesinger, That Dog’s Anna Waronker and Jane Wiedlin of the Go-Gos to contribute songs, with Schlesinger and Babyface as the main producers of the tracks, and Letters to Cleo frontwoman Kay Hanley dubbing Josie’s singing vocals. At the time, it must have been wild to see so many relevant and talented names providing songs for something that’s basically an enjoyable guilty pleasure.

Songs such as “Pretend to be Nice,” “3 Small Words,” “Shapeshifter,” and “You’re a Star” sound like they could’ve been

Throat issues, medical and otherwise I’m a middle-aged gay man and I was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea.

This is a disorder caused by the soft tissue in the throat collapsing during sleep. On top of making me feeling tired and awful all the time, sleep apnea is associated with a long list of health complications. I’m writing you because I’m into very rough oral.

I like it when a guy treats my throat like a Fleshlight. Gagging and retching turn me on. Since I don’t want to risk making my condition worse, I stopped giving blowjobs after my diagnosis.

But will giving blowjobs the way I like to give them actually make things

“The vast majority of people with sleep apnea have obstructive sleep apnea (OSA), which is what I assume this individual has,” said Dr. Anna Grosz, a board certified otolaryngologist in practice in Portland, Oregon. “It results from muscle relaxation and collapse in the airway (throat), which narrows the passage for air to flow and then makes it harder to breathe and get oxygen.” (Otolaryngologists specialize in diseases and disorders of the ear, nose, and throat.)

So when you fall asleep, RETCH, the muscles in your throat relax and collapse, restricting your ability to breathe.

Your brain—which doesn’t want to die — responds to this oxygen deprivation by waking you up, which tenses your muscles back up, un-collapsing them, and allowing you to breathe again.

“Someone with OSA gags or chokes in response to the apnea, not as a cause,” Dr. Grosz clarified. “And while the contraction of the muscles opens the airway, it leads to poor sleep because the person is constantly being woken up.”

Now for the good news: Dr. Grosz doesn’t think choking on dick is going to make your OSA any worse, RETCH, and it might even make it better. “Theoretically,” said Dr. Grosz, “increased tone of the muscles of the airway might be a good thing in terms of strengthening those muscles.” Now, there’s no evidence that having your throat used like a Fleshlight will strengthen your ol’ throat muscles, but there’s no evidence that getting face-fucked will weaken them, either. (Needless to say, there aren’t a lot of studies on OSA and rough oral sex— and seeing as our public-health officials are busy trying to protect us from a worldwide pandemic and our imbecilic president, there probably won’t be any studies anytime soon.)

“Ultimately, I don’t think your reader is at risk of making his sleep apnea worse by continuing his oral sex practices,” said Dr. Grosz. “And to improve his sleep apnea, he could make sure he maintains a healthy weight, doesn’t smoke, and avoids excess alcohol or sedatives.”

—— Dan Savage

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[drink]

Bad ideas 101: Let’s conduct a Faygo taste test Whoop whoop, my ninjas.

On a recent trip through Mancos, we noticed the P & D Grocery carries around seven different flavors of Faygo soda. Naturally, we bought the six flavors they had in stock and decided to conduct a little taste test.

What’s that? You’ve never heard of Faygo? Let us fill you in.

Founded in 1907 as the Feigenson Brothers Bottling Works, Faygo was created by Russian immigrants Ben and Perry Feigenson. The Detroit-based soda manufacturer is said to have based their original three flavors – fruit punch, strawberry, and grape – on family cake frosting recipes.

In the early 1990s, Detroit hip hop duo Insane Clown Posse referenced the hometown soda brand in a number of their songs. At a show in 1993, Violent J (one half of the duo) threw an open bottle of Faygo at members of the audience who were flipping him off. For whatever reason, this got a positive response from the concert-goers. Since then, “Faygo Showers” – spraying each other with Faygo (and ostensibly drinking it as well) has become a popular practice among Juggalos and Juggalettes, the clown-faced fans of the music group. Like virtually everything that happens at their annual Gathering of the Juggalos, it’s delightfully gross.

The soda was crazy cheap at $.75 per 20 ounce bottle, and since we don’t see it that often, we decided to see what the big deal was. We originally envisioned our test would feature a panel of experts, but thanks to the coronavirus and social distancing, we had to settle for one bored guy isolated in his house. (We aren’t taking ICP member Shaggy 2 Dope’s advice of eating dirty snow to stave off infection.) Here’s what we found:

Nick Gonzales/DGO

»» Long before it was co-opted by the Insane Clown Posse, Faygo was founded by two Russian immigrants over a century ago.

Faygo Cola: Smelling just a bit like damp cardboard, this one didn’t taste like most mainstream cola brands.

If we had to choose its closest cousin, it’d probably be

RC Cola, but the Faygo version lacked any sort of a bite.

It was mostly just a weak interpretation of what a cola Continued on Page 9

Ska Brewing hard seltzers should be a virtual happy hour staple during the COVID-19 crisis One of the many staples of the coronavirus experience is virtual happy hours. If you’re not doing them already, please start living your best life and get on it. It’s a great way to feel like you’re hanging out with friends and to show off whatever happens to be in your sad coffee mug that evening — be it wine or just straight tequila. Whatever floats your boat.

We dedicated many a hour sipping on these in our living room, and decided it was about time the world knew our hard seltzer thoughts.

Blood Orange

I was bracing myself for this drink to be a lot sweeter than it was, but if you’re the type of person who gets nauseous just looking at a can of blood orange hard seltzer because you can imagine During a rare grocery store run, we how sickeningly sweet it probably is, happened to run across a variety pack think again. Ska does a good job of walkof Ska Brewing’s hard seltzers recently ing that line and holds back on overloadreleased to the masses. Because of our ing it with sugar. It has just enough of many, many upcoming virtual happy an orange essence to keep you reaching hours (we’re very popular, OK?!), we found ourselves adopting one of the box- for another can without feeling guilty.

Besides, how can you look yourself in the es and bringing it home with us for said happy hour purposes. Not only that, but mirror after saying “no” to blood-orange flavored anything? we also needed to lay off the beers.

However, as a sugar fiend, I would not mind another 9897324823 grams of sugar with my hard seltzer. OK, OK, I know that’s not the point of hard seltzers, but let me have this!

Hibiscus Lime While I am a fan of lime, I was a bit nervous about popping open this can.

Obviously I will consume anything at this point, but I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect with this one, and I found myself pleasantly surprised by this one.

Turns out, hibiscus lime is a great pairing with the bitterness of hard seltzer. The two, we found, go together like a booze-dipped peanut butter and jelly sandwich, just with a lot less sugar and carbs. It had a nice bite to it, with a lime-flavored aftertaste that kept me

awake for these late-night virtual happy hours.

Black Raspberry This was my personal favorite of the whole bunch. Not gonna lie, I thought my favorite was going to be blood orange, but I instead found myself immediately finishing off these cans first out of the bunch.

This one was a total winner in my book.

I love the cool, tart flavor of raspberry, and the longer I drank these cans, the smoother they got. Out of all the flavors, I felt that black raspberry emerged the most between each sip. There was no mistaking this fruity flavor, which is simultaneously not overpowering for those who can’t say “no” to fruity drinks.

—— Amanda Push

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[eat]

Trying out Surf N’ Tacos turf-ier fare during a time of restaurant chaos The al pastor pork tacos transported us somewhere tropical For many Colorado foodies, and those in food service, the coronavirus restrictions felt uncomfortably close to home when Governor Jared Polis shut down all restaurants for dine-in service. A large percentage of the affected eateries have pivoted toward delivery and take-out options, while others have closed entirely, Nick Gonzales/DGO hoping to reopen » Did you know tacos al pastor came to exist thanks to Lebanese when the epidemic immigration to Mexico? Now you do. has passed. There was, however, an The process of searching to see what entire category of restaurants that didn’t was open and what they were doing mo- » Surf N’ Tacos had its grand opening in August 2019. Last we saw it, it was parked at Duranhave to change business quite as much: go Kia on the south end of town. tivated us to hit up Surf N’ Tacos, a food food trucks.

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truck we’d never tried before.

We caught up with the food truck on a Tuesday afternoon in the parking lot of Durango Kia, 1195 Carbon Junction, across Highway 55 from Walmart. As you can probably guess from the name, the taco truck has a flair for seafood.

Its owners, Jorge & Emily Gutierrez, are a husband-and-wife team who came to Durango from San Diego. The truck’s grand opening was Aug. 7 of last year.

al pastor-style and served wrapped in a flatbread. Globalism is fun (when it isn’t allowing COVID-19 to ravage the entire planet).

Surf N’ Tacos’ pork was very tastily seasoned (that achiote/annatto flavor – yes, please) and just a little bit spicy. The presence of the diced pineapple in the tacos, and probably the marinade, hit the spot perfectly, mentally transporting us hundreds of miles to somewhere tropical and warm. The guac sauce and lime juice we squeezed onto the tacos added to When we visited, the eatery was out the effect. Like the majority of living of aquatic proteins, and that develophumans, we’re starting to think we need ment stopped us from ordering fish tacos a quarantine-free vacation somewhere or ceviche. It wasn’t that much of a loss, that serves drinks garnished with little though, because they still had spit-roastumbrellas. ed pork for tacos al pastor. So, that’s Just two tacos was a surprisingly exactly what we got, in a combo with rice filling meal, so we could probably have and beans. And a Jarritos. gone without the rice and beans. There The tacos were true to their style, was nothing wrong with the sides, but featuring marinated pork, diced pineapthey don’t necessarily add anything to ple, onion, cilantro, medium-heat salsa, the flavor experience. and guac sauce served on corn tortillas.

We’ll almost certainly be back for From Spanish for “shepherd style,” tacos more, especially because we’re still al pastor were created as a Mexican take intrigued by the taco truck’s “surf”-ier on lamb shawarma brought to Mexico menu items, the fish tacos. And our inby Lebanese immigrants in the late 19th teractions with the couple who own Surf and early 20th centuries. In fact, in the N’ Tacos were a pleasant island in a sea early 2000s, tacos al pastor re-influof social distancing. enced Middle Eastern food in the form of shawarma mexici – chicken marinated —— Nick Gonzales

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[lifestyle]

Social Distance Powwow takes indigenous gatherings and traditions into cyberspace Multi-platform group has members in the hundreds of thousands The coronavirus pandemic is a truly global problem, and Native American communities aren’t immune to the effects of social-distancing efforts to “flatten the curve” of the virus’ spread.

The same restrictions that have banned or greatly limited public gatherings have also canceled and postponed events like powwows, including the massive Gathering of Nations that would have been held in Albuquerque from April 23-30.

This hasn’t put a complete kibosh on opportunities for indigenous peoples to share their cultures, though, and quite a few individuals are thwarting the virus by moving their celebrations into the digital realm.

The Social Distance Powwow, a Facebook group, was created on March 17 by Dan Simonds, a member of the Mashantucket Pequot, and has grown to over 115,000 members. Its stated mission is to provide a forum “for all to share their creator-given talents and be supported,” including vendors, dancers, and singers affected by the shutdown.

The group has also spread to Twitter and Instagram.

“The whole idea was to maintain that super important cultural connection while we are all having to do the exact opposite, being isolated and distancing,” Stephanie Hebert, one of the group’s administrators, told AZcentral. “It’s also to help protect those vendors, our emcees, our area directors, who may be losing a lot of business (and) who financially struggle when these events go away.”

Diane Holyan, a resident of Hogback, New Mexico, east of Shiprock, is one of many who are thankful for the group. A healthcare worker and jingle dancer, she posted a photo of herself in a jingle dress to the group. The caption spoke of Holyan’s gratitude toward the Ojibwa people

Courtesy of Dianne Holyan

»» Diane Holyan, a jingle dress dancer from Hogback, New Mexico, post-

other posts, Holyan’s post received over 5,000 responses, all of which were positive.

own, and dancing are done to mimic the original ceremony without adding anything too fast or fancy. Contemporary jingle dress dancers have added plumes and extravagant colors to their dresses, and graceful spinning and movements to the dances.

“I made that post asking for prayers ... and they blew me away.

My post went global ... I have people that messaged me from France, from all over.

And I thought, ‘Wow, they’re praying for my people, and they’re praying for the whole world – it’s not just for my native people. It’s for everyone.

We’re all in this together; it’s affecting us everywhere,’” she said.

The dress Holyan wore in her photo also symbolizes healing for her – she commissioned the dress after the death of her father so that she could dance as part of her personal grieving process.

for creating the dance and the personal meaning of the dress she was wearing, and it asked people to be careful about spreading the virus and requested prayers for the Navajo people as they face the pandemic.

While powwow ceremonies such as jingle dress dancing double as competitive sports, they also provide emotional and spiritual support to the communities. According to tradition, the jingle dance came to an Ojibwa chief in a dream as a means of healing his sick daughter, Holyan said.

Before disappearing into the sea of

Old-style jingle dresses, such as her

ed a photo of herself in one of her dresses to the group with a message of concern and healing. Like many of the posts to the group, it reached people around the world.

“It has really helped me because ... I love dancing, and that’s kind of helped my healing process,” she said.

Like Holyan’s post, the group contains thousands of other photos and videos of its members often showing off their regalia and dances. The crowd isn’t the only thing that the online powwow borrows from its in-person cousins. It also features a grand entry and general sessions with drummers and dancers streamed live in specific threads.

As of March 30, the group also has a marketplace where indigenous vendors can sell the wares they’d be bringing to gatherings any other year. Going forward, the group will be hosting themed weeks with topics such as storytelling, Native history, and traditional foods, as well as information from tribal communities throughout North America, Hebert said in a press release.

“Everything on there is for the people; it’s not for themselves, it’s not for them to show off what they have, what they can do. It’s for the people around the world ... sharing in the dances and their prayers,” said Holyan. “It’s amazing how through the internet we come together like that, even though we’re in our own homes.”

—— Nick Gonzales

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[recreation]

Our top five classic video games for exploring feelings of isolation Feeling lonely because of coronavirus? Let’s get lonelier With many states, including Colorado, under stay-at-home orders, it’s a great time to take up a new hobby or to do something creative. But you and I both know that’s probably not going to happen. We’re going to veg out in front of the TV, catch up on Netflix, and – if we’re lucky – read a book. If we feel like doing something active and engaging, we might boot up a video game console.

On March 20, the same week that the U.S. finally started paying attention to the devastation this virus causes, Nintendo released Animal Crossing: New Horizons. It seems tailor-made for gamers self-isolating as a result of COVID-19. You can explore a small world, complete little tasks, decorate things, befriend anthropomorphic animals, and visit with your real-world friends – everything you need to destress instead of thinking about the end

of the world.

On the other hand, though, many of us don’t play video games because we like being social. What if we really want to explore what it means to be isolated?

Which games allow us to really explore the feeling of being alone in a time like this?

Here, in descending order, are our top five picks for classic games that come with a side of solitude: 5. Metroid Prime (GameCube, 2002) The entire Metroid series follows bounty hunter Samus Aran as she fights Space Pirates who attempt to harness the power of parasitic Metroid creatures. The worlds are quite dark and foreboding, and Samus is often a silent protagonist unaided by allies of any sort. Prime, the first game in the series

to give the player a first-person view as they explore Tallon IV with no other characters to converse with, is the first one in which the player really feels immersed in the world. The decaying ruins on the planet give it an extra eeriness and sense of foreboding.

4. Limbo (A bunch of platforms, 2010)

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Incredibly dark and creepy, Limbo finds players controlling a boy as he tries to navigate a dangerous and monochromatic terrain where everything is out to kill him. The art style is very minimalist and feels like something German Expressionist filmmaker Fritz Lang would play if he were – you know – born a century later. The games’ puzzles aren’t ridiculously hard to solve and the game itself is relatively short. You could easily finish it in a single sitting if you really wanted to.

3. Shadow of the Colossus (PlayStation 2, 2005) Frequently cited as one of the greatest video games of all time, Shadow of the Colossus has the player travel across a vast and quite empty expanse to hunt down a handful of giant creatures in an effort to bring a dead girl back to life. While the act of killing the colossi feels morally ambiguous at best, the moody soundtrack and long stretches of travel prod the player to engage in

quite a bit of self-reflection. The battles, though, feel epic in their own right.

2. Portal (Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, PC; 2007) Perhaps the most unique puzzle game of its time, Portal forces the player to use inter-spatial portals to manipulate physics in order to progress. The entire game takes place in a weapons testing facility and the only voice in the game is that of the villain, GLaDOS, who needles the player throughout. The game creates such a feeling of isolation that players develop an emotional attachment to the Weighted Companion Cube, an inanimate box with a heart on it.

1. Myst (PC, 1993) While its trial-and-error puzzles can be incredibly frustrating, Myst does a great job of dropping the player into a world devoid of people, time constraints, or instructions of any sort. It was one of the first CD-ROM-based games, and while the very static graphics may not hold up today, it has been remade a number of times – always preserving its perfect feeling of solitary exploration. Completely without enemies, violence, or even obvious goals, it’s the perfect game to play when you just want to be alone and think.

—— Nick Gonzales

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[drink]

ROCKY MOUNTAIN HIGH Durango’s “Canna Castle”

skip the line, order ahead

visit rockymountainhigh.com to see our full menu Nick Gonzales/DGO

»» Of the flavors we tried, Faygo’s root beer was easily the winner. But that’s not saying a lot.

From Page 5

eating the candy. No, this is a strictly inferior, sugary “peach” experience.

should taste like.

Faygo Root Beer: Smelling and tasting more or less like root beer, this was easily the best soda we tried. It most resembles the platonic ideal of the flavor it’s supposed to represent. Still, it’s just a bit off, like if you found one of those root beer barrel candies in a coat pocket after a couple years and decided to put it into your mouth.

Faygo Moon Mist: We figured that this was the Faygo version of Mountain Dew, but it looked and tasted a bit more like Mello Yello. The claim on the label, “with a real kick,” is a boldfaced lie. Like the cola, this one also tasted pretty weak, especially in comparison to the other brands of citrus soda. More than any other flavor on this list, it just tasted like sadness.

Faygo Grape: Hoo-boy. The moment you start twisting off the cap, you can smell this one. It looks, smells, and tastes exactly like the grape flavoring pharmaceutical companies add to medicines so kids will take them. If you gave us a tablespoon of this and told us it was Children’s Dimetapp, we’d only question why it’s carbonated. But otherwise, we would believe you.

Faygo Peach: You know those gummy peach rings? This tastes like those, which isn’t entirely a bad thing.

In drinking this, though, you don’t get the texture of the gummy or the joy of

Faygo Creme Soda: Like the Root Beer, this soda smells and tastes like what it’s supposed to be. Then again, the creme flavor doesn’t come through as strongly as the root beer, giving this soda a sugar-water taste. On a positive note, this was the only soda on the list that wasn’t obviously dyed a different color.

If our taste test taught us anything, it’s that there’s a reason Juggalos spray this stuff on each other as much, if not more, than they imbibe it. This was certainly not our first step into the clown love community. Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to go ponder the mystery of how magnets work.

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[virtual reality]

Cure your self-quarantine boredom with these virtual cannabis hangouts and classes One of the worst parts of social distancing and quarantine during COVID-19 is the boredom. OK, it’s definitely not worse than the economic spiral or the death toll that coronavirus has inflicted, but it’s up there.

Right now would be the perfect time to invest in some new interests and connections, particularly in the cannabis industry since dispensaries are one of the few things that are open these days.

“It’s really important to have community right now, because everyone is so isolated and, frankly, bored,” Heidi Keyes, a Puff, Pass and Paint instructor, told Westword. “You’re trying to think of things to keep you entertained. Right now, art is really important. It makes you think, and it keeps your mind active.”

Here are a few options for you bored stoners out there (or for those of you who are just plain bored) to help crack those knuckles and get to work on some cannabis learnin’.

Creatively Cannabis Keila Castillo, the founder of Creatively Cannabis, is still keeping a candle lit for 4/20 by offering an online paint class for those who also want to honor the

beloved stoner holiday. Not only is Castillo offering the class, but she’s also offering the supplies. “I’m going to be doing a few remote painting classes where I’m shipping paints and canvas to participants around the country. Basically, same idea as my normal classes, [but] remote,” she told Westword.

Puff, Pass and Paint The folks at Puff, Pass and Paint are basically rolling out nonstop live streams of art classes that you should absolutely join, ESPECIALLY if you don’t consider art your thing. Because, who cares? These mini virtual sessions are free and the ladies and gents at Puff, Pass and Paint are offering everything from glass blowing to watercolors to crafts. Obviously, please partake with a joint in hand.

Windslash/Flickr Creative Commons

to that?!

Cannabis Tours

Cannabis Tours, based in Denver, is now offering virtual grow tours. Yes, yes you heard that right. Tune into the organization’s Instagram page and you’ll get Can you think of a better time to join a church? OK, continuous updates on upcoming live feeds like mindful OK stop looking at us funny. We’re being serious! The International Church of Cannabis is now offering online marijuana yoga sessions and a grow tour by Medicine Man. Not only are you having fun, but you’re also acciservices and virtual hangouts for those looking for connection with fellow cannabis connoisseurs. They’re dentally learning at the same time. even having Netflix watch parties! How can you say no —— Amanda Push International Church of Cannabis

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[history]

GET OUTTA TOWN:

Sit on your couch while isolated and learn about another devastating pandemic The Spanish Flu of 1918 and the ties to Haskell County, Kansas In mid-January 1918, the ailments of most patients were well-known to Dr. Loring Miner, a physician in an agricultural and pig farming area of the country known as Haskell County, Kansas. The world was at war, but, aside from the thousands of Midwestern recruits, local army personnel, and British and French training officers — who were coming and going from Camp Funston, located 300 miles to the northeast — southwestern Kansas was otherwise at peace. By the end of the month, however, people started falling ill.

»» Camp Fun-

An epidemic of influenza spread throughout Haskell County, striking down the strongest and healthiest members of the community – some of whom died as pneumonia set in. Not wanting to hurt morale in a time of war, the local newspaper, the Santa Fe (Kansas) Monitor, buried reports of the deaths on its inside pages. More county residents died, but then, as quickly as it started, the local epidemic came to an end.

Courtesy of U.S. Army

Within three weeks, 1,100 of the camp’s 56,222 troops were so ill they required hospitalization, with thousands of others reporting for treatment at the base’s infirmaries.

By the end of April, there were outbreaks of flu in 24 of the country’s 36 main Army camps, and in 30 of the largest 50 cities in the U.S. At the same time, influenza outbreaks were reported in France — first in Brest, the largest port town from which American soldiers disembarked to join World War I.

outbreak in early February, prior to the Camp Funston outbreak, and they called it the “French flu,” attributing

The notable exception, Spain, remained neutral during the war and had no reason to censor itself. This imbalance in reporting statistics created the impression that Spain was hit exceptionally hard by the virus, which earned Unfortunately, the camp was not the pandemic its lasting name: the placed on lockdown. In addition to soldiers moving continuously between Spanish Flu. However, some researchers Funston and Army bases elsewhere, Brit- point out that Spain reported its first

Research by historian John M. Barry, though, suggests that one of the deadliest epidemics in human history sprang out of an area that is, relatively speaking, the middle of nowhere, just east of the Colorado border.

In the eventual wake of COVID-19, it may be worth checking out the monument at Fort Riley (Camp Funston was dismantled in 1924) as a reminder of the raw power of such tiny microbes and the possibility that the next big pandemic may already be brewing in our own backyard.

—— Nick Gonzales

Offering online ordering through Weedmaps.com and Leafly.com

Even after reaching the furthest parts of the world, the virus didn’t rest. Rather, in the conditions of the war, the virus mutated, and a much deadlier second wave spread throughout the world between August and November, claiming many who had survived it the first time around.

Wartime censorship kept most countries from reporting on the spread of the disease and its toll on their own populations.

The origins of the Spanish Flu have been debated for a century now, with some theories suggesting it came from the densely populated areas of Europe or China.

R E C R E AT I O N A L D I S P E N S A R Y

From there, the virus spread across the globe over the early summer.

When it was all said and done, the virus had killed an estimated 50 million people worldwide.

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Between Feb. 24 and March 2, Haskell County residents continued to travel to and from Camp Funston, both to report for duty and to visit friends and family stationed there. On March 4, one of the first cases of influenza was reported in one of the camp’s soldiers, company cook Albert Gitchell – of Haskell County.

(Note: While Gitchell has in many cases been referred to as “patient zero,” Army records indicate other men in the unit were reporting similar symptoms within minutes of Gitchell, so his patient zero status has been disputed.)

ish and French officers were rotated in and out of the camp to train US recruits for the European fronts.

East Owen Road

And yet this was no ordinary flu, Miner noted. It was something much deadlier, and he said as much in a warning published in an April edition of U.S. Public Health Service’s weekly Public Health Reports. But Miner’s warning came too late.

ston, Kansas, was the first Army camp hit by the Spanish Flu. At one point it had over 1,100 patients hospitalized, with thousands of others also seeking treatment for the virus.

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: s l r i G e d d n i a c . i .

Su dity . ity? n u u N m m o c Alternative pin-up website forms fellowship online and in the Southwest

By Nick Gonzales DGO STAFF WRITER

In 2001, Selena Mooney found a stack of Betty Page images at a thrift store in Portland, Oregon. There was something different about them. The classic pin-up model seemed more comfortable than normal, as though she wasn’t deliberately trying to be sexy.

The reason, Mooney supposed, was because the photographer was also a woman — fellow pin-up model Bunny Yeager.

This gave Mooney an idea.

“In the early 2000s, there were really only two types of beautiful women that were represented,” she told Racked in 2015.

“There was either the stick-thin, waif, blonde Kate Moss-type supermodel, or the silicone-enhanced, buxom Pamela Anderson fantasy of what a woman should be, and there were very few things in between.”

Many of the women Mooney knew at the time were beautiful for wildly different reasons.

“They were pierced and tattooed and had interesting stories and interesting bodies. They had interesting things that they did and interesting ways that they carried themselves,” she said.

“Hybrid,” whose SG name is a reference to Linkin Park’s first album, is a New Mexico-based model.

Courtesy of Sam Morgan

“Caroline Hellcat” is an Albuquerque-based model, but she started off as a photographer and continues that vocation professionally.

Courtesy of Leema Lee

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Mooney photographed her friends in the pin-up style and collaborated with Sean Suhl to build a website around the photos.

In addition to galleries, it featured message boards and blogs for each of the models, basically functioning as a rudimentary social network. Its name, Suicide Girls, was borrowed from the book “Survivor,” where Chuck Palahnuik uses it to describe “girls who chose to commit social suicide by not fitting in.”

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Courtesy photo

»» “Albright” says she applied to be a Suicide Girl Hopeful as a means of seeking self-confidence after several bad relationships.

Each of the site’s models, the eponymous Suicide Girls, took on aliases, including Mooney, who became Missy Suicide.

The site launched on Sept. 3 of that year, capping a decade of intentional weirdness that had grown over the course of the 1990s into the hip-but-different alt movement. Amorphous and undefined, it should be impossible to ride that cultural wave for any length of time.

And yet Suicide Girls isn’t just sticking around, but thriving — as though insulated from the cultural changes that followed in its wake.

How is this still a thing?

Last we checked, there were more than 3,640 Suicide Girls — and that’s not the full number of women depicted on the site.

The original Suicide Girls were photographed by Missy herself, but as the site caught on, the company would purchase sets of photos shot by other photographers. Once accepted, the subjects of those sets would also become SGs. This

allowed the brand to spread globally, eventually getting to the point at which there were, at least for a time, Suicide Girls on every continent (a researcher in Antarctica shot a set of herself).

Around 2007 or 2008, the site rolled out a two-tiered system in which an aspiring model applies to the site and, after a basic approval process, becomes a “Suicide Girl Hopeful,” said “Rambo,” the site’s current model and photography coordinator and a Suicide Girl since 2006. Hopefuls can then submit sets of 40 to 60 photos in which they go from fully clothed to fully nude on the site, and members — the site is based on a subscription model — can view after a few months. If a set garners a significant amount of positive feedback, the site will then purchase it from the model for $500 and run it as a Set of the Day. Once it becomes an official Suicide Girls set, the model also becomes an official Suicide Girl — a process called “going pink” (based on the color scheme differentiations on the site).

It’s hard to tell how many SGHs there are on the site, but several tens of

thousands apply on a yearly basis. There are at least 134 full-fledged SGs in the Southwestern U.S., and quite a lot more hopefuls within the same region.

Why are there so many clamoring to be a part of the site? The short answer is that despite almost two decades of cultural change, the same qualities that made someone “alt” in 2001 still do in 2020.

Suicide Girls doesn’t have any physical requirements — the drive to become an SG is more about the attitude, Rambo said. “Obviously, the alternative look tends to go hand in hand with that kind of attitude.”

Far and away, the qualities that tend to set Suicide Girls apart from mainstream pinup models are tattoos, piercings, and brightly colored hair — all things that have gained cultural acceptance over the last 20 years, but which still don’t tend to pop up a ton in the mainstream media or even, say, a Playboy centerfold. Some SGs go a step further with other forms of body modification, including scarring, branding, and

other cosmetic surgeries, such as having their tongue split.

“Albright,” a Hopeful from Santa Fe, New Mexico, said she was drawn to Suicide Girls because they’re not cookie cutter — they’re all different shapes and sizes, and none of them look standard.

Albright has piercings and tattoos and began stretching her ears at age 13.

“I’ve never been what you would call normal in terms of my preferred aesthetic,” she said.

The general aura of nonconformity surrounding Suicide Girls is part of its continuing appeal, she said.

“I feel like it has the longevity that it has because of that kind of nonconforming positivity, especially with this generation. Not conforming to things like the gender binary, beauty standards, and things like that is really prevalent now.”

But how far from the average can one go and still be a Suicide Girl?

Just how alt is alt?

According to Rambo, even if the site

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is about celebrating alternative forms of femininity, it’s still centered around the female body — bare breasts and bums are the minimum requirements of its photos.

That said, one doesn’t necessarily need to identify as a “girl” to be a Suicide Girl, and putting one’s reproductive anatomy on display is completely optional. Hypothetically speaking, a gender-neutral individual could endeavor to become an SG if they want to show off their feminine side.

On the other hand, though, it’s impossible to go pink without appealing to a wide audience. After all, getting positive feedback, which, for example, could be a couple thousand likes on a set, is what sets becoming an SG in motion. As such, a range of factors can slow or halt a model’s rise up the site’s system.

“Caroline Hellcat” is an SG hopeful and photographer from Albuquerque.

She also comes from a multi ethnic background — both Navajo and Filipino.

And she has noticed that being different makes it at least a little bit harder to become a Suicide Girl “The girls that are ethnic and look ethnic, we kind of have to push it a little harder. ... The girls see it like, ‘Oh yeah, if you’re curvy and your set — unless it blows others out of the way or you’re really active on your site and everything ­— we don’t see it get bought a lot.’”

That said, one aspect of the site that everyone seems to pick up on is that there is extremely little to no negativity within Suicide Girls itself — something of a surprise, given the toxicity that can be found on the rest of the infinite hellscape that is the modern internet.

“A global sorority” To some degree, Rambo attributes this to the fact that pretty much everyone on the site identifies as an outsider.

“I think it goes back to that most of us grew up as outcasts, and I think a lot of us were bullied and stuff, so I think most of us would never want to perpetuate that vibe and would never want to make anybody else feel unwelcome,” she said. “I think most people come into the SG community, whether they be model, photographers, or members of the site with a supportive mindset due to probably a lot of things they’ve been through in life.”

Then again, Rambo acknowledged, it’s a site for which everyone who isn’t a Suicide Girl pays a membership fee.

“I don’t know why anybody would want to take their hard-earned money to go be a dick somewhere,” she said.

Courtesy of Suicide Girls

»» “Rambo” has been a Suicide Girl since 2006 and is currently the model and photography coordinator for the website. judgmental than other sorts of outsider The community of the Suicide Girls groups, said “Hybrid,” another Albuand the hopefuls themselves is tight knit, she said, especially because the querque-based hopeful whose modeling site offers opportunities for them to intersects with a love of cosplay. While collaborate and work together, such as she finds some validation from other when they all chip in to rent a place to women she meets while dressed as, say, shoot somewhere exotic, like Toulouse, Han Solo at a comic convention, she also France, or Ibiza, gets dirty looks and Spain, forming snickers — somewhat she calls a thing she doesn’t “I DON’T KNOW global sorority. see around other

WHY ANYBODY

SGHs. “Girls from WOULD WANT TO around the world “I saw a post the TAKE THEIR HARDwill fly there for the other day about EARNED MONEY week and split the one of the Suicide TO GO BE A DICK cost of the house, Girls feeling really and shoot a bunch SOMEWHERE,” down and coming of photos. And RAMBO SAID to Suicide Girl then, next thing whenever she’s you know, you’ve feeling down,” got twenty new she said. “I think friends, and they’re from every corner that people, especially girls who aren’t of the world,” she said. involved in Suicide Girls, think it’s just Even within that larger group, the SGs a nude website or it’s just risqué stuff, and SGHs of New Mexico are particular- but it’s really like a community of people ly supportive of one another. caring about each other.”

“The girls here are very career mindEvolving with the net ed; they all have their goals kind of set in Beyond the alternative aesthetic or place. We all talk to each other which is the tight-knit communities within the nice that we all have that support from each other. Anytime we feel shitty or we SG network, Suicide Girls might just can’t do anything, or if we can’t get a job, owe its continued success to its symbiotic relationship with social media. we all help each other out,” Hellcat said.

The regional SG community is less

Over the years, the site has branched

off, creating movies and annual live burlesque show tours and the like, but most of the women who are now SGs or Hopefuls didn’t find out about the site from those; they found out about the site from other Suicide Girls.

The site predates even social networks like Friendster, but it really started to take off in the age of Myspace (which is where Rambo first saw it as a high schooler). Suicide Girls would create their own pages on social networks to promote their own SG work, which would also, in turn, promote the Suicide Girl concept itself. This continued onto Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram, and there is probably even a burgeoning SG community on TikTok. Ultimately, this may have created an effect akin to a snake eating its own tail: Suicide Girls promote themselves on the internet, which inspires like-minded women to embrace the aesthetic and join the site themselves, where they then promote themselves to the next generation. This freezes not only the site into a perpetual state of semi-relevance, but keeps the “alternative” subculture from straying too far from its roots.

Or, just as likely, mainstream culture and its standards of beauty have refused to evolve since for 20 years, and those who would rebel against it have never been forced to adapt.

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[weed]

Wedding Cake is the strain we need to help us chill during this pandemic holy balls am I bored being stuck inside.

The only thing that’s been keeping me semi-sane is weed. Sweet, sweet weed.

One of the strains that has helped immensely with the boredom is Wedding Cake, an indica hybrid that’s a cross between Cherry Pie and GSC, the strain formerly known as Girl Scout Cookies.

(By the way, you can take away the name but it will forever be Girl Scout Cookies in my heart. /shakes fist menacingly.)

Details

Where to find the Wedding Cake strain: Prohibition Herb, 1185 Camino del Rio, prohibitionherb.com I’m not going to lie to you guys. It’s been a struggle to find ways to sit still during this weird time we’re in. I know it’s important for everyone’s safety, but

It’s a new strain on the floor at Prohibition Herb. Well, it’s a new strain behind the counter, anyway. Nothing is really “on the floor” at Prohibition right now thanks to coronavirus, which has forced dispensaries to make some major changes to the way they do biz to protect both their customers and employees. Anyway, it was added to the menu at Prohibition recently, and after smoking it, I can see why.

I picked up the strain from the dispensary late in the afternoon, which, by

the way, requires a regimented process these days — gloves, taped off customer areas, distance verification, the whole shebang — and drove it home. This is relevant because I live maybe five city blocks from Prohibition (less if you walk the trail), and in that short amount of time the strain stunk up my entire freaking car. It didn’t smell bad, mind you — it smelled like sweet, It’s that pungent. I was a little nervous I’d be pulled over on my way home and have the officer thinking that I’d been hotboxing my car.

That didn’t happen, though. I made it home without any stench-related issues.

Once I was inside, I tossed that bad boy on the kitchen counter to go dig out my trusty old pipe. (I broke my dry herb vape, so RIP to my life.) I was gone for maybe two minutes, and when I emerged from my bedroom, I could smell the weed wafting from the counter down the hallway. So, if you’re trying to be discreet, this ain’t the one, friends.

The sticky buds don’t help it in the discreet department, either. I ended up with tiny bits of weed stuck to my fingers and my table just from loading the bud in my pipe. You will leave remnants of smelly, bright green bud wherever you load your bowl at, kind of like a stoned Hansel and Gretal, but with fewer witches.

Luckily, what it lacks in discreetness, it makes up for in sheer power. I only smoked one bowl while sitting outside of my house mid-afternoon, but one was way more than enough to do the job. The first thing I noticed was the immediate feeling of chill kicking in, followed by a swift smack to the brain stem.

It hit me so hard and so fast, in fact, that I could feel my eyelids lower to half-mast, and they would not cooperate to open any further thereafter. They were stuck. I was suddenly starving, and my brain started to whirl with thoughts of everything and anything. I felt like a Continued on Page 23

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[weed]

If you’re bored and antsy, Longs Peak Blue can help remedy that You know those strains that you don’t expect to kick you in your teeth? The kind that immediately transport you from a productive, semi-useful member of society to a happy but useless blob of slime? Yeah, welcome to my experience with Longs Peak Blue, the strain we’re reviewing for The Green House Durango this week.

I picked up this strain early last week and was surprised at how quiet the dispensary was. It had been a madhouse the week before, but it looks like you guys stocked up on not only toilet paper and rice, but also on weed. (Side note: I JUST NEED SOME SUSHI RICE; CURSE WHOEVER BOUGHT IT IN BULK. I’ll trade you some weed from 6 feet away.

Hit me up.) Anyway, this strain was recommended with the comment that it had been a hit with a lot of budtenders.

That’s how you know it’s good.

You also know it’s good because I’m telling you, and I know it’s good because I smoked it. Before we get to that, though, let’s discuss what Longs Peak Blue is, other than a very long name.

So, Longs Peak Blue is an indica hybrid that is a cross of Old Blue and Rare Dankness #1. It’s known for its compact, blueberry-scented nugs, which some people compare to blueberry pancakes.

I did not smell blueberry pancakes, but I did think this strain was super pleasant.

Details

Where to find Longs Peak Blue: The Green House, 730 S. Camino del Rio, thegreenhousecolorado.com/ I then found myself wondering if bugs used these tiny, fluffy pillows for things like tiny ant pillows, which — thinking about it now — makes no sense. The fluffy seeds are like three times the size of an ant. They’d have to be fluffy seed beds, not pillows. Or pools. Who knows.

Anyway, once I’d finished setting the seeds free, I just sat there, hanging out in the chilly evening air and watching the clouds. At one point I looked up and saw them moving through the atmosphere and thought the moon was hauling ass across the sky instead. Stoned optical illusions are the best.

And, once I was done watching the moon/clouds play tricks on me, I So pleasant, in fact, that I smoked dragged my uncoordinated ass inside to a couple of bowls back to back while fill up on snacks. So many snacks. If I run hanging out, alone, on my patio. I guess I out of food before the end of this quarwas really digging the pleasant taste and antine, it’s completely due to Longs Peak the fact that it didn’t make me choke, so Blue. It caused me to eat everything, I may have overdone it. including the huge cache of Cadbury How do I know this, you ask? Oh, Eggs I ordered from Instacart the other well the cloudy, unsteady eyes and the day (along with two avocados so I didn’t mush-brain were my first hint that I was look like a complete stoner idiot to the too high to function. From there, it was delivery person). The amount of food I the inability to focus on anything but shoveled into my mouth was shameful, yet still somehow find EVERYTHING you guys. SHAMEFUL. Especially in the fascinating. There were these tiny, fuzzy midst of this pandemic. seed pods scattered around the seating As expected, I passed out at some in my backyard, and I kept picking them point after eating everything in sight, up, pulling them apart, and then feeling but I really don’t remember doing it. accomplished that I was helping to set I woke up the next morning feeling them free to fulfill their ultimate destiContinued on Page 23 nation: turning into plants. �������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������� Thursday, April 9, 2020 | 17

[weed]

DOSD Edibles Nanobites will turn you into a stoned version of Hansel and Gretal Have you ever gotten so stoned that the next morning all you’re doing is trying to follow a trail of (perhaps literal) breadcrumbs to figure out what bullshit you got up to the night before?

Well, friends, that was exactly my experience after popping a few DOSD Edibles Nanobites in the flavor of piña colada one fateful evening. Not because I like getting caught in the rain, as the Rupert Holmes song suggests, but because I am tired of staring at the same four walls of the apartment and I wanted to fantasize that I was on a beach with a drink in hand instead. So, instead of just making said drink, I online ordered me some edibles, cause who needs a hangover in this day and age?

Alos, now that we essentially can’t leave our homes in Colorado, one of the few joys I have left is curbside pick up at a local dispensary.

DOSD Edibles Nanobites come in packs of 10 and are 10 mg each. Guys ... THESE ARE SO GOOD. If I’m being

honest, my hopes weren’t THAT high for these. I mean, I was going to eat them either way, but things could have been real dodgy as far as taste goes. Thankfully, it went the delicious route. The surprisingly on point and very fruity direction.

It was also incredibly fast-acting.

While most edibles take me at least 30-45 minutes to kick in, these felt more like a mere 15 minutes. This, I found out later, is due to the cannabinoid nanoparticles in these edibles. Apparently, due to magic, er, biology, our bodies can absorb them a lot more easily than unrefined oils.

Not only do these hit you fast, these will also hit you hard. I was innocently tearing through Bob’s Burgers (like I do every day) when my TV literally began to melt. Ya know, as they do.

Also, small detail but I forgot how to walk because the earth began to tilt just enough to where my legs no longer had the strength to fight the evil gravity that ensnared only my apartment (I’m

Centrally located between Durango and Cortez on Route 160 in Mancos, Colorado

THE BUD FARM assuming). This left me with a rather large problem, as I had a bad case of the munchies and my fridge was a long journey across the room.

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After staring long and hard at my TV as the Belcher family battled an army of evil pecking turkeys, I decided it was worth the risk. I was too hungry and bored not to take on this challenge. I rose to my feet and unsteadily made my way across my small apartment. I nearly swayed to the floor when I first got up, but alas, this is also an occurrence that happens regularly when I am sober, so it might not have had much to do with the Nanobites.

Next up, I nearly face-planted when I tripped over a weight I had inexplicably left on my floor. I say inexplicably because ... I don’t ever use them.

But finally, dear readers, I made it to that mother-effing fridge and, from what I remember, I believe I opted for pie – lemon meringue to be exact. The rest

of the evening was a blur. It was a lot of hazy in and outs of me stuffing my face with something dairy and/or sugar-related and taking videos of Bob’s Burgers and sending them to my sister. She found my dumb background commentary far more amusing than the pixelated clips I was sending her.

The following morning was basically a game of finding food I didn’t remember eating spread all over my coffee table and uncovering a large number of internet tabs open on my phone on subjects I was apparently reading. I believe at some point I switched over to a true crime show, which led me down more than one dark rabbit hole.

I, for one, am quite thankful dispensaries were spared from COVID-19 shutdowns because I would not have had the pleasure of trying out these beauties.

Just make sure once you eat one you plan to stay put for a loooooong time.

—— Sir Blaze Ridcully

18 | Thursday, April 9, 2020 ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

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[love and sex]

Now, more than ever, you should be having sex Yes, even in the midst of a pandemic Disclaimer: Stress and illness can Be kind annihilate a person’s libido. If you or your Be thoughtful lovers aren’t interested in sex — listen Privacy and Security and take a break. Physical touch can Pay attention to the security features help relieve stress and lift our emotional of the online tool you are using health AND you don’t have to be turned on and doing it all the time. I promote Does it have encryption? masturbation and sex because that’s Who has access to the account? Your what I do. It does not have to be what employer? you do. Stay safe. Stay home. Take care This is a plan all parties involved need of yourself. to create and agree to before engaging ------------------------in sexual activities. It will help to shake Now more than ever folks need to be out any concerns and logistics. having sex. Lots and lots of protected, consensual sex. Sex and physical touch light up Online sex You’ve agreed to lick each other virour brains and dump all sorts of delicious chemicals into our bodies. These chemicals tually, awesome! What medium do you use — video conference, texting/chat or lift our mood, give us energy, dilute stress email? What app or software do you use? chemicals, and feed our bodies.

“But, Erin, I’m not allowed to touch people right now!”

YOU CAN TOUCH YOURSELF. If you do not have lovers staying at home with you, connect with your lovers online, over the phone, or through snail mail.

Tools to connect Video conferencing options Facebook messenger Facetime Google hangouts/Google Duo Skype

In the last column, I briefly touched on ways to connect without physically connecting. I had several requests for more detailed how-to’s on this topic. There are soooooo many tools for this! First, we will focus on general rules and ethical behaviors before getting technical.

Viber

Rules of engagement

WhatsApp

Ask for consent before initiating sexual behaviors.

Discord

Do not send unsolicited nude photos Do not answer your video call naked Do not record audio or video without permission Create a sex plan What are you both willing to do?

What are you not willing to do?

When and where?

What medium are you using? Video, text/chat, email, snail mail?

Why? What do you want to get out of the experience?

How are you going to take care of yourself and/or your lovers after?

Will you both delete any sext messages?

Respect Listen to yourself Listen to your lovers Anyone can stop at anytime

Ekiga Imo JusTalk Kik Signal*

Texting: If you have a cell phone, most of them come with some sort of messaging or chat feature. You can also DM (direct message) from a computer via social media apps like Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, SnapChat, etc, etc, etc.

Email: The Internet’s snail mail.

As you can see, there are many platforms to connect with people online (there are probably more that I don’t even know about) and I encourage you to be discerning in which method you use to get it on, online. The only application that I know which uses encryption from end to end is *Signal.

Signal is free. Free. Free. Free. In order for the encryption to work you’ll both need the app. There are desktop and mobile versions.

How to have sex online

turbation, voyeurism, and exhibitionism.

Society has been preaching that there are only a few accepted ways to engage in sex and these are not them (eye roll).

It is important to remember that the shame one might feel in touching their own body comes not from some terrible thing, but rather a set of oppressive and intentionally controlling beliefs.

Touching yourself for pleasure is a beautiful gift, a celebration of your body, and the majority of humans do it.

In these pandemic times, the difference is touching yourself in front of another person on camera. This isn’t new. People, lots of people, already have phone sex, video call sex, sext each other, send nude photos, and so on. For the folks it is new for it’s totally understandable that this feels like a performance rather than a connection. Following the Rules of Engagement listed above can help clear up any fears you may have about what will happen, logistically and emotionally.

If you are more comfortable with sex online, be patient and kind with any lovers that are hesitant or struggling with physical distancing. Try asking clarifying questions about what makes this hard for them. Don’t forget foreplay, and you will need to up your verbal foreplay game.

Some logistical tips for when everyone has said, “Yes!”: If you are using your phone as your camera source, prop it up somewhere so you don’t have to stop touching yourself to move it.

Try several locations — bed, couch, table, and so on — you want to be comfortable and you need a spot for your tech.

days and groove.

When the video call starts, do and say what feels real and honest in the moment. If you missed seeing your lovers, tell them. If this is a one night stand, do the typical and awkward “hi, how are you” and then dive in. I cannot speak for you so this part you’ll have to figure out for yourself. Remember to have fun, don’t worry about the little details, and enjoy yourself!

The written word Not everyone has access to computers or consistent Internet connections.

Texting or email use a lot less data than a video call and are great alternatives for connecting. When writing to someone there is time to refine what you are saying. This allows for the opportunity to explore how many ways you can describe what you want to do to your lovers. Be mindful of autocorrect e.g. fuck => duck. Ducking someone is weird.

I am a romantic under my feminist armor and lament the decline of love letters. My life partner wooed me with hand written love letters in the beginning of our relationship. I still have them.

If there was ever a time to explore writing down your expressions of sex, flirting, love, pleasure, teasing, fucking — it is now.

Email your lovers. Send a letter via post.

Whatever medium works for you. You can use these letters as foreplay for future video calls or when we no longer have to engage in physical distancing.

An example Dear Lover,

Test your lighting. Yes, you can have candles, but they probably won’t provide enough light for your lovers to see you.

So you’ll need to play with lighting — turn on overheads or bring in an extra lamp. Lights should be in front or to the sides of you because any lights behind leave you in shadow.

When I think of you during this time we are apart, I am reminded of the sensation of your body when it is close to mine.

The smell of you. Your warmth. The way we move when we touch. I want nothing more than to kiss and nibble your lips. To tangle our tongues as you grab my ass and pull me close. Etc, etc, etc.

Double check that your audio and camera works with the application you are using before the call.

Use your creative brain and say all the honest things you’ve always wanted to say. There is no time like the present.

Dress for the occasion. Are you wearing clothing that makes you feel good, confident, sexy? If this includes your sweat pants, rock on. If you haven’t showered and dressed in “button pants” in three days, take some time to care for yourself.

It’s not so different from sex in-perSet the mood. Put on some Marvin son. The hang-ups come from the embarGaye or whatever the kids listen to these rassment/shame associated with mas-

Erin Brandt (she/her/hers) has been a sexologist for 15 years. When she’s not spreading sexual knowledge, Erin can be found learning from her child, hiking with her partner, cuddling with her pitbull, knitting with her cat, dancing with friends, and searching for the nearest hammock and ocean breeze.

Want more? Visit www.positivesexed.com

22 | Thursday, April 9, 2020 ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Horoscope This is a good time to focus on financial needs, especially anything to do with the wealth of others or how you share things with others. Yes, this includes debt.

TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) The Moon is opposite your sign right now (it’s in the sign that is opposite Taurus), which means you have to go more than halfway when dealing with others.

Be accommodating and helpful.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) Do something now to feel more organized and more on top of your game.

Clean your glove compartment or the back seat of your car. Tidy your bedroom floor. Get rid of suspicious food in your fridge.

CANCER (June 21 to July 22) This is a playful, fun-loving time! Enjoy

From Page 16

machine full of thoughts and feelings and epiphanies. It was badass.

The only downside was that my eyes were so dry that every time I would blink it felt like I was blinking over tiny grains of sand. (Side note: I’m glad there is no mirror outside of my house, because I’m pretty sure I looked like a Spongebob meme.)

I stayed high for a long ass time after I smoked that bowl, too. The 33.13% THC in this strain isn’t a joke. Luckily, it was a super chill high. I was quite content to just sit there outside, alone with my jumbled mess of thoughts. It’s probably the first time I’ve been content since the self-quarantine rules were put into place.

I’m not sure how long I spent outside, but I know I finally dragged myself inside and parked in front of the TV after I got weirded out by my plants, which were starting to look like El Cuco out of the corner of my eye. (I probably shouldn’t have watched The Outsider before smoking.) I passed out shortly thereafter.

All in all, this strain was a pleasant surprise, especially in the midst of a pandemic. It helped me find a way to just chill, which is especially important when that’s basically all you’re allowed to do.

So, if you’re bored and in need of a way to center yourself, I’d snag some

schmoozing with others from afar. Indoor activities will be great choices.

LEO (July 23 to Aug. 22) Home, family and your personal world are your focus right now. Cocoon at home among familiar surroundings and enjoy some relaxation — if you can.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sept. 22)

Right now the Moon is in your sign, which gives you a little more luck than everyone else. However, it also makes you excitable and more emotional. Easy does it.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) You will prefer to work alone or behind the scenes right now. However, if you can do this outside, you will be happiest because what you like best overhead is sky.

You need to talk to someone right because there is something you need to get CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) off your chest. (This isn’t easy if you want A conversation with a female acquainto keep your shirt on.) tance will be important to you right now.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 to Oct. 22) This is a good time to share your hopes and dreams for the future with someone If shopping online right now, you might to get his or her feedback. fall into “shopping therapy” mode because you tend to identify with things.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) Be careful. For your own sake, keep your Personal details about your private life receipts — and the box. seem to be made public right now. People notice you, and they’re talking about SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21)

you! Be aware of this.

PISCES (Feb. 19 to March 20) Do something different right now! Shake things up a little. Take a short virtual trip and explore your surroundings. Talk virtually to people from different backgrounds and other cultures.

BORN DURING THESE TWO WEEKS You are energetic and passionate! You love to socialize and party. Nevertheless, you have lots of common sense. This is your time of harvest! Yay! Now you will begin to reap the benefits of your efforts of the past decade. You deserve this time of success. Expect to enjoy an increased influence and leadership in your relationships. Yes! (c) 2019 King Features Syndicate, Inc.

Bizarro

ARIES (March 21 to April 19)

Wedding Cake, stat. Maybe it’ll help you find your inner peace, minus El Cuco. Just make sure to keep eye drops on hand because it will dry your eyes out like the damn Sahara. Otherwise you should be all good.

—— DGO Pufnstuf From Page 17

completely refreshed and ready to go nowhere, as is the status quo right now. Had I somewhere to go, though, I would have been well-rested and on top of my freaking game.

If you have enough extra snacks to spare and want to pass the time by shoveling candy into your gullet and watching the sky, I would pick up some Longs Peak Blue. This stuff is rad and it’s certainly better than sitting at home watching Netflix. The clouds were a way cooler show.

—— DGO Pufnstuf

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