April 1,2008 by Duke Chronicle Print Archives

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no one cares

cry me a river

Drought fore:es students to drink more b eer, PAGE .08

DUU complains more blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, RAGE 123

Losing weight is hard and not fun,.football players say,PAGE Split-1

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China invades Duke; SAT scores rise Some guy chosen as by

Shrejoejia Claozang THE DAILY CHINA

Color-blind students beware. Duke has a new hue— China red. For the second year running, the University has seen a record-high number of Chinese applicants —increasing the diversity of the student body. “Best damn admissions class!” said Gu Ten Ta Ge, dean of admissions. “This class is the most smartest, most diverse, most motivated, most diverse, most prettiest, most superlative and, of course, most diverse.” With a population of more than two billion, the People’s Republic of China appears to be seeking a solution to overpopulation by shipping youths to Duke’s campus. According to statistics released by the Office of Undergraduate Admissions, approximately 10 percent of the incoming freshman class are Chinese, the biggest minority group in the class. “Ni(3) hao(3),” said freshman Guo Qing Ren, who recently arrived from Beijing. “Zai(4) du(4) ke(3) da(4) xue(2) li(3) du(2) shu(l) rang(4) wo(3) gan(3) jue(3) wo(3) fang(3) fu(2) zai(4) jia(l) li(3).” Ta Ge said this year’s average math SAT score for applicants peaked at 790, adding that verbal scores .plummeted to 420. “Numbers just make sense to me, they’re the same in every language,” said senior Jake Wang, a mathematics, physics, biology, chemistry and biomedical engineering quintuple major. Currently, all 100-levelclasses in the mathematics department have extended waitlists. “Students ofDuke University, rise up! Stronger, firmer, mightier!” Chairman Dick Inabox said. The University also recently announced that Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels’ “Communist Manifesto” has been chosen as the incoming freshman class’ summer reading book. Chinese restaurant owners around the Triangle area said they have seen an influx of customers because of SEE TIAO (4) ON PAGE

103

Overlord by

Hot Carl Bernstein THE KAMA SUTRA

DA'SEAN

GRAHONY/THE DALLAS

AKRONIAN

Apanda dimbsthe Duke Chapel Monday. The panda later said he/she was searching for Fei Rei.

In a bizarre turn of events Monday, junior Larry Shen, not Gordon Jiordano, will be Supreme Overlord of Duke Students, election officials said. His term will run indefinitely. It turned out that 609 votes for Jiordano were write-in votes—interspersed between votes for “Genghis Khan,” “a leprechaun” and “that man who does the Moviefone voice.” In fact, after accounting for the “leprechaun” votes, Jiordano’s write-in vote total rose to 683, said Supreme Council Secretary Pauline Slarian. “We realized the votes for Gordon were all part of an elaborate, spontaneous joke,” Slarian said. “People thought they were being funny when they wrote down Gordon’s name. Thank God we caught the joke before it was too late.” After hearing ofhis victory in the election, Shen responded, “That’s ridiculous, yo.” He added that he won because of his lack of campaigning and his aversion to change. “All this change stuff turns me off,” Shen said. “Change is hard. Kind of like walking from Edens to McDonald’s.” Students said they were amazed at Shen’s refusal to accept endorsements, attend last week’s debate or generally try. They added that playing “hard to get” with the position made students want Shen that much more. “I voted for him because he doesn’t need votes to get elected,” a random student said. SEE C-FOOD ON PAGE 479

Man sues Duke for bracket loss DPD awarded for excess force by

Boobs Allison THE CHOMICLE

John Mathews, Trinity ’69, is suing the University for emotional damage and conspiracy after the men’s basketball team’s loss to West Virginia, putting him at the bottom ofhis NCAA bracket pool. The suit was announced on JuicyCampus.com in a thread entitled, “What does a bracket disaster look like?” Readers rated the thread 88percent juicy Suits were rumored last week when John Burnedout, vice president for government affairs and public relations, announced that the University had added literary attorney Atticus Finch to its legal team. “A lot of people said it couldn’t be done, because [Finch] is fictional. And overqualified. It’s really unprecedented,” he said. “We’re pre-

pared to defend the University vigorously in this matter, byway of seances and memoranda.” Duke’s attorneys filed a motion Friday saying that Mathews had broken state bar rules in publicizing his suit

and called for JuicyCampus to be shut down. Burnedout said the details of the University’s legal strategy were a secret that many wouldn’t understand. Duke Students for a Moral 'uke President Ben T. Jarry, a iper-senior, said Duke’s motion w is actually a thinly-veiled aspect Laurence “Of Arabia” Vender's “secret file” to have a post -moved that criticized the West Campus Plaza and veganism. “I have been told by a number sources, including members of ie Board of Trustees, that Duke jcrewed,” Jarry said. “Oh wait—;an I go off the record? Pm not re I can say that,” he said. SEE RAC ON VOLUME 104

Shoot-em-up Parakeet

THE DURHAM HERALD-MOON

The Durham Police Department was commended Monday for its use ofextensive arsenal and raids in fighting crime. The ceremony, held at the Michael Knifimg Institute for Ethics, drew a large crowd as members of the community gathered to thank police for disregarding their rights and to reflect on the safety of their environment. “They barged into my apartment, pointed a bazooka at my head and demanded I strip naked for a search ofmy cavities,” seniorDope Dup told attendants. “It was a true demonstration of their unfaltering persistence —I’ve heard they searched all the Duke students on my street.” Although the busts did not yield any contraband, Dup and all other searched students were arrested and charged anyway. DPD Public Information Officer Lynn Visible could not be present at the event, but she sent a message noting that SEE DPD “ETHICS” ON PAGE

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