Dad Equals: The Big Picture

Dad Equals

The Big Picture

INTRO

Holy shit… You’re about to be a dad!? A FATHER!??

Seriously, though… Can you believe it!?

Whether you’re 20 years old or 50, it’s probably a safe bet that you’re feeling ALL THE THINGS right now.

Excitement. Joy. Bewilderment. Confusion. Gratitude. Fear. Overwhelm.

And there are likely dozens of others you could put on that list.

The good news is that you’ve got an INTEGRALLY important role to play every single step of the way, from being a rock solid support for your partner through pregnancy, birth, and recovery - and of course, a superhero dad to your newborn baby.

The tough part is that you likely feel as though there are a million things that you need to think about, learn, buy, plan, and execute, with only a few weeks to get it all done.

The truth is: you’re not wrong. There really is so. Much. To. Do. I’m sure you’ve noticed that the time is already flying by. But wait. There’s more to that story.

It’s ALSO true that SO MUCH of parenting isspontaneously learn-on-the-job, because every baby is entirely different with their own unique preferences and quirks. What works like a charm with one child might prove to be another kid’s kryptonite.

Even if you’ve never touched a diaper in your life (or, at least since you were wearing one yourself) - make no mistake – you’ll change a hundred in the first few weeks after Baby arrives.

Don’t waste too much time getting distracted by tasks like this beforehand. I understand that these skills can feel daunting, but trust me. You’re a smart person. You’ll figure it out quickly.

There are plenty of other things you can focus on that will prove far more beneficial in the long run.

And that’s ultimately what this eBook is for:

No matter how you identify or what kind of dad or support person you aspire to be, this ebook is here to serve as your birds’ eye view map of the next few weeks and months so you can wrap your head around the big, broad strokes of the journey ahead of you before diving more deeply into the finer details.

So let’s get moving.

First up…??

THE WHOLE DAD

You’re at the very beginning of the very long journey of fatherhood. Considering all the information you’re processing, all the advice you’re receiving, and all the decisions you’re making, it could be really easy to become hyperfocused on what’s immediately in front of you.

“Will I be able to support my partner through pregnancy? What am I supposed to be doing? What’s my role?”

“Will I be able to step up and be everything my partner needs during labor & birth? What do I even do?”

“I don’t know how to hold a baby, change a diaper, or soothe them when they’re crying, let alone how to actually bond with them. I’m afraid I won’t be able to figure it out.”

Of course these kinds of concerns are on your mind.

This is one of -- if not the most significant -- moment of your life so far. It would be disconcerting if you weren’t ruminating on these questions and concerns.

Rather than diving directly into the specifics/logistics of what’s on the horizon over the coming weeks and months, I think there’s actually a better place to begin.

Whenever we’re preparing for a truly significant event, whether that’s a critical but challenging conversation or an exploration of how to proceed with a particularly important decision - it can be incredibly helpful to start not at the beginning of this situation, but at the finish line.

Let me explain by asking a few different questions:

1. How do you want to be remembered by your kids when you’re gone?

2. What are the qualities you hope they use to define the relationship you shared with them?

3. What‘s the nature of the impact you hope to make on the adults they become and the lives that they will ultimately live?

* Better yet, you can use the journal with these prompts at the end of this eBook

Start with these questions. Sit with them.

Ponder them.

Let these questions serve as your guide.

Revisit them often.

grow.

Don‘t worry. I‘ve got you covered. Give yourself a break from all the reading and research. Make some time to consider these questions. Included at the end of this ebook is a free journal for you to reflect upon and write about them.

You won‘t regret it.

If you’re anything like the vast majority of dads I’ve supported over the years as a nanny, doula, and childbirth educator, then you have a deep yearning to show up

for your kids emotionally in ways that many of us did not receive when we were kids.

Of course, because many of us grew up without sufficient examples of men who had both the willingness and ability to speak openly about their feelings, experiences, challenges, hopes, fears, and dreams, there’s often a gap between our desire to show up for our kids in these ways and our current ability to do so.

When we make a habit of ‘starting from the finish line’ with questions like the ones above, they help us to see more clearly what’s in that gap between the individuals we are today and the dads we aspire to be. Once we’ve established that awareness, it helps us to identify where we need to do our own work in order to be able to show up for our kids emotionally. It shows us what skills we

could stand to sharpen.

Over time, these questions, and our everevolving answers to them, become our internalized compass -- guiding and navigating us as closely as possible to our ultimate destination: raising kids who are capable of living the most fulfilling lives possible, even through the most challenging terrain.

Speaking of challenging terrain…

Next up?

Supporting Your

Partner Through

“Understand and embrace the fact that – when it comes to labor and birth –KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.“

Photograph by Danica Donnelly, www.danicadonnelly.com

Supporting Your Partner Through Labor & Birth

…is to PREPARE to advocate for your partner!!

This is essential for your role during labor and birth.

As we just talked about, when your partner feels stressed, the body’s natural response will be to release more cortisol.

In labor, cortisol serves an important function in stimulating contractions.

But when too much of these stress hormones are released, many nonessential physiological processes shut down temporarily as the body shifts into a hyper-alert state, preparing to respond to an emergency.

Muscles tense. Blood sugar levels rise. Processes such as digestion, growth, and repair are stunted.

In short, the body does precisely the opposite of what is optimal for progression through labor.

So, what’s one of the best ways you can help to mitigate any potential stress your partner might feel when in labor?

Understand and embrace the fact that – when it comes to labor and birth – KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.

In the coming weeks and months, one of the important ways you can show up for your partner and your child is to consume information, read books, take classes, and ask questions.

What evidence-based studies suggest is that the strongest indicators of a positive birth experience are not how closely everything went according to plan, but the degree to which the birthing person felt seen, heard, informed, respected, and in control of their decisions.

So, the more you learn and the more conversations you have together, the more capable you’ll be of refining your birth preferences; the better you’ll understand how your partner would like to approach this experience, what are their most significant hopes and desires, what obstacles might arise and what considerations take priority if adjustments need to be made.

This foundation of knowledge and understanding will allow your partner to more fully surrender to their own natural, intuitive rhythm, resting in the full trust that you are fully present and ready. You are there not only to give the best support possible from the first contractions until your baby arrives and beyond, but also to confidently answer any questions from your birth team and advocate for your family no matter what comes up.

Which leads us to…

“

...the strongest indicators of a positive birth experience are not how closely everything went according to plan, but the degree to which the birthing person felt seen, heard, informed, respected, and in control of their decisions. “

Photograph by Danica Donnelly, www.danicadonnelly.com

Recovery Support

You did it!

Your baby has finally arrived! Despite how awkward and potentially questionable it feels that you’re allowed to just pop this new human in a car seat and take them home with you, you’re undoubtedly ready to be home and to begin the process of finding the (sporadic, exhausting, unpredictable) rhythm of your ‘new normal’.

The hard work is done, right? Slow down. Let’s not get too carried away just yet.

I’ve always found it a little curious that many childbirth pre -

paration classes dedicate several hours to various topics that many families will likely never encounter and somehow allow only 20-30 minutes to address the recovery process after birth – a stage that every family will have to navigate… one that will last at least 6 weeks, and often proves to be one of the most significant and potentially challenging stages.

It’s true that these first weeks and months after Baby’s arrival are often filled with a tremendous amount of joy and celebration. It’s also a time when things can get a little strenuous between all the follow-up appo -

& Newborn Care

intments, sleeping, waking, crying, feeding, spit-up, bathing, laundry, soothing, diaper changing, etc.

And that’s just the baby!

There’s a reason this recovery period is often referred to as “The 4th Trimester”. As beautiful and miraculous as pregnancy and birth are, they take an enormous toll as well.

Your partner is exhausted to a degree they’ve likely never experienced before. Their body has been in a perpetually fluxuating state of TREMENDOUS change for nearly a year now.

Regardless of the details of how the birth unfolded and whether your partner had a vaginal birth or cesaraen section, the healing and recovery process will be both necessary and significant.

As if the physical demands weren’t enough already, your partner is also adapting to major postpartum hormonal shifts. They are grieving the end of the dynamic experience of pregnancy. They‘re making peace with a body that can sometimes look and feel unreconizable. They‘re potentially feeling the obligation to communicate with and sometimes host friends and family who are eager to connect

and to meet Baby… AND ALSO feeding and nurturing your newborn and navigating the psychological and emotional realities of becoming a parent. All of this is going down while you‘re both feeling over-extended, excited, and perpetually sleep deprived.

So!! For all these reasons and more, this is the time for you to really step up in your support role. To whatever degree possible, you can take on many of the newborn care tasks and most of the other household management tasks as well.

The good news is that, so long as you’re structured and prepared, there’s no doubt that you’ll be ready and able to tackle all of these and take it all in stride.

But again, for now, let’s bring it back to broad strokes. However miraculous pregnancy and birth are, they’re also incredibly taxing on the body, so for at least the next 6 weeks after your baby’s born, your priorities are to make sure that your baby and your partner are both getting all the rest and nourishment they need to recover.

When it comes to the types of support you can provide, the #1 thing you can do is pretty simple:

Do ALL the things.

(or at least all those that your partner isn’t needed to do).

Change ALL the diapers. Cook ALL the meals. Do ALL the chores. Shop for ALL the groceries. If you’re bottle-feeding, take frequent shifts so your partner can take a shower or a bath or catch up on some much-needed and well-deserved sleep.

But what can you do for your baby?

We can certainly do a REALLY deep dive into all the ways you can help to take care of the physical well-being of your newborn, but for now – continuing our focus on the big picture – nothing could be more important than…

BONDING with your child.

After all, that’s what all of this has been about, right?

To be clear, bonding with your child can begin long before they are born. Even in utero, if you speak and/or sing to them regularly, they will undoubtedly recognize (and be soothed by) your voice immediately when they meet you on the outside.

With that said, I want to be very clear about the fact that some dads find that bonding doesn’t happen right away. Sometimes it takes a few weeks or months or more, and of course, that’s okay!

It doesn’t in any way diminish the time that you spend together or the love you have for your child.

Let’s take a closer look, though.

We often think of bonding as something passive that just happens when it happens.

And to a certain extent, that’s true. You can’t necessarily force a bond to appear.

But at the same time, we can take a much more active approach, emphasizing interactions that can significantly increase the likelihood of these bonds being created.

So what does that look like?

Presence.

That’s it. That’s all that’s required.

To clarify, though… just sharing space together is probably not going to do the trick!

“

In real time, you and your partner are learning how to be parents. Simultaneously, your baby is learning how to be a human being who moves through the world. You’re all learning at the exact same time.“

By all means, hold Baby on your lap while you watch the game. Scroll on your phone all you want while they nap in your arms.

But being present with your child is an entirely different notion altogether. Get down on the ground with them. Put them on your chest. Lock eyes and get curious about what it is they’re looking at or thinking about. Mimic the noises they’re making. Wherever you are with them, pretend you’re an announcer giving the play-by-play of whatever it is that you’re doing and seeing.

Act silly with them. Make strange sounds and use different playful voices.

This kind of engagement is HUGE, not only because of the impact on their development that comes with exposure to words and language, but because - if you’re not typically a silly, let-loose kind of a person, it’s incredible PRACTICE FOR YOU.

Over time, this silliness and playfulness will become second-nature to you, making the bond and the connection between you stronger, faster, and deeper.

Remember those questions we talked about at the beginning? The ones about how you want to be remembered when you’re gone? About the quality of the relationship you share with your kids?

It all starts here.

In real time, you and your partner are learning how to be parents. Simultaneously, your baby is learning how to be a human being who moves through the world. You’re all learning at the exact same time.

Lean into it. Embrace it. Love it. Love ALL of it.

The easy and the challenging. The natural and the uncomfortable. The beautiful and the messy.

This is what it’s all about.

One step at a time, in real time, you’re defining and refining your own personal concept of fatherhood and the dad that you want to be for your child.

Be patient with yourself. Be rigorous and intentional.

You‘ve This,

e Got

Dad!

There you have it. I hope and trust that you’ve gotten some value out of these zoomed out, big picture ideas that you can carry with you through these first few steps of fatherhood.

Of course, there is SO MUCH MORE to cover on these topics. Whenever you’re ready to dig into the specifics and logistics of these first few stages, I‘m always available for coaching and consultation.

Just head to the website at www.DadEquals.com and find my calendar. We can dive into any and all the things that are on your mind, whether they‘re specifics about how to best support your partner in these coming weeks and months or about emotionally preparing for this journey into fatherhood. Book yourself an hour, or if you want to save a few bucks, book several sessions!

Put the savings into your diaper fund or stash it away for your first date back on the town when you and your partner finally feel like you might possibly be able to spend a few hours away from your baby without going absolutely crazy.

I’ve got $10 that says you’lll be back home by 8pm… 9 at the latest ;)

Baby steps!

Best of luck, Dad.

The Whole Dad Journal Prompts

The Whole Dad: Journal Prompts

How do you want to be remembered by your kids when you’re gone?

The Whole Dad: Journal Prompts

What are the qualities you hope they use to define the relationship you shared with them?

The Whole Dad: Journal Prompts

What are the characteristics of the impact you want to make on the adults they become and the lives that they will ultimately live?