Issue 89

the

Case Western Reserve University volume LXIX, issue 89 friday, 4/1/2016

Athenian

Provost announces tuition decrease for 2016 - 2017 academic year

Athenian buys Observer Marissa Neel Staff Reporter

The generous 0.01 percent decrease is projected to balance budgets across the board, amounting to savings of $6 per student.

The provost explained that student needs and input were the prime focus of the decision to decrease tuition. “We are here for the students,” the provost commented. “We take tuition matters very

seriously. After careful consideration, we were able to cut internet coverage and greenie maintenance expenditures to lower tuition and better meet students’ needs.”

Undergraduate students are grateful for the decrease, and many plan to use the savings to cover living expenses.

“This will definitely bolster my weekly Chipotle fund,” one commented. “Even though it won’t even cover one burrito, I’m really happy about the extra cash.”

“This also might help cover my rent for an extra hour or so,” another student mentioned. “Although, I live in Little Italy, so I might drop it on a cannoli before I even make it to my landlord. C’est la vie.”

Other students plan to use the tuition break to cover their other academic expenses.

“I’m putting my $6 towards an iClicker for my chemistry class,” another student explained. “I already have one for my biology class, but it would be too convenient to use the same one for both classes, so I’m happy about the extra funds.”

It’s not just STEM students who will use the tuition break for academic needs.“I need to buy seven books for my SAGES seminar,” one exasperated freshman commented. “ I looked up the

most-used copies on Amazon so I’m set.

They should arrive sometime in the next 10 weeks. Hopefully before the end of the semester.”

Students are also hopeful that the upcoming tuition decrease could set a precedent for future years. “If the cost of tuition continues to decrease at this rate,” one excited sophomore exclaimed, “think of how much money we’ll save by graduation!”

The undergraduate tuition decrease has also garnered attention from graduate and professional students. “Imagine if we had managed to convince the university to lower our tuition back in undergrad,” one graduate student posited. “Our lives might have been so different.”

Other graduate students see the undergraduate decrease as a positive sign for their own tuition rates. “If the undergrads can do it, maybe we can too,” one student said firmly. “After all, we are smarter than them. We should be able to get a decrease of at least 0.015 percent, if not 0.02 percent.”

The provost’s declaration has made him a bit of celebrity amongst undergraduates, most notably in that students have now actually heard of the term “provost.” If the tuition continues to decrease, maybe one day they’ll even stop confusing the reputable title as a type of Italian pasta.

CLEVELAND, OH—In an unexpected turn of events, Case Western Reserve University’s humor magazine, The Athenian, has officially purchased The Observer, CWRU’s newspaper. This seemingly recent development has left some dumbfounded and others simply questioning “why?” One well-publicized theory was that this purchase was likely due to The Athenian’s financial surplus, brought about by none of the staff members showing up to any outings.

However, after speaking with the magazine’s staff, we discovered that this has actually been a long process, and sources inform us that this purchase began over one year ago. Observer headlines like “Campus letters stolen, peed on” was just one of the many clues left for Athenian fans, indicating the multimedia purchase. While we cannot say exactly why The Athenian pursued this acquisition, there is some indication that they were simply jealous, as The Observer’s opinion section was provoking far more laughter from their readers in comparison to previous Athenian issues.

The Observer’s well-documented dislike of Athenian antics has shed light on another issue—cutbacks. The Athenian does not plan on keeping much of the Observer staff, primarily due to creative and astrological differences. While much of the Observer staff will be let go, the Athenian hopes to make this process as democratic as possible, avoiding the vaguely communist “black and white and red all over” stereotype associated with the newspaper publication.

The Athenian’s goals for this merger are numerous. They include: 1) streamlining the journalistic process and 2) making people show up to staff outings. This is to be done while maintaining their primary goal of publishing a triweekly, 14-page publication consisting entirely of FUN pages as recent statistics confirmed that the FUN pages were the most read sections of both The Observer and The Athenian.

Both sides of this editorial merger are expecting fairly significant changes to their workflow and dietary intake. While this purchase will significantly change the way these media organizations operate, most readers seem relatively pleased with the merger, commenting that The Athenian and The Observer were meant to be paired together, much like a screwdriver and a wall-socket. Severe electrocution likely only takes second place to the highly synergistic relationship that these two media organizations are predicted to have.

News

A&E

Opinion

Sports

pg. 2 Want your name on something?

pg. 6 Save the earth read the paper

pg. 10 Editor’s Note

pg. 15 Finding a job bracket style

A look at tuition changes over the years Students will be able to afford nearly an extra Chipotle Burrito next year

$43,158

$43,152

A $6 difference!

$42,766 $41,420

2013-2014

2014-2015

2015-2016

2016-2017

Mike McKenna/Athenian Farah Rahman Staff Reporter After countless concerns from Case Western Reserve University students about the “skyrocketing costs of education” and complaints by graduating seniors with “crippling debt and loans” and no financial basis with which to “start the rest of their lives,” the provost has announced that CWRU undergraduate tuition will decrease for the 20162017 academic year.

“I’m putting my $6 towards an iClicker for my chemistry class”

news Editor’s Choice

New donor initiative to include student input

Alaina Lisanti/Athenian Paul Palumbo Staff Reporter Have you ever wanted to be immortalized as part of Case Western Reserve University, but didn’t have enough money to help fund another student center? Well good news!

CWRU is launching a new initiative to make donating to the school an easier and more impactful process.

Through this new initiative, each and every object on CWRU’s campus will be paid for by donations, and will be named appropriately by the person who donated for them. Previously, this kind of activity was reserved for buying entire buildings, but the Commission for Alumni Support and Help determined that this ostracized many people who would donate smaller amounts to have smaller facilities named after them.

With this new initiative in place, everybody from the richest of alumni to the stu-

dents subsisting on ramen can claim their spot in CWRU history. The first facilities to be supported will be a new bathroom somewhere in Strosacker. Students who are cautious to invest in an entire bathroom can simply support the construction of one urinal.

When a student nervously takes a pee before their next midterm, you can be proud knowing they’re urinating all over your legacy.

Like any other project, a donated facility does not need to be named after the person who funded it. Those who fund a new part of CWRU’s campus are free to name it whatever they desire. Some early adopters have taken advantage of this ability, and the drinking fountains in Rockefeller have been officially dubbed “Gztywrc.” The new bench near Thwing has been given the name “Candy Mountain.”

As anybody who has been to the Peter B. Lewis Building knows, donating a facility means you have considerable say over

its size and scope. Have you ever wanted a sink that sprays maple syrup instead of water? Probably not, but that shouldn’t stop you from designing one to be put in Olin! CWRU administration stated that “As long as the request is technically possible, we will, to the best of our ability, see that it is created.” This is the official explanation for the drinking fountain that shoots pudding, which will be installed on the outer wall of the Tinkham Veale University Center within the year.

The reaction to this move has been mostly positive, both by alumni and the students.

As one alumnus put it, “Maybe with the students shouldering some of the bill they’re not going to send us mail every three days.”

A student chipped in, stating, “I couldn’t care less about cementing my legacy on CWRU’s campus, but I do want to legally name my friend’s dorm room ‘The LameAss Lagoon.’” The university, as expected, is simply thrilled to experience the influx of

income coming from students making fun of each other.

However, some teachers are less thrilled with this new idea. Professor Jackeline Farlem lamented, “The classroom I teach Psych 101 in is officially called ‘My Asshole,’ and I literally have to call it that any time I refer to it. I can’t just tell my students to meet me in ‘Room 709’ anymore. I have to tell them that I’m holding class today in ‘My Asshole.’”

Unfortunately for Professor Farlem, the administration has no plans to repeal the initiative any time soon.

Students looking to donate something to the CWRU campus can contact the Commission for Alumni Support and Help in order to negotiate for a new hand dryer, or whatever they want to donate. Supplies are limited, as many students are taking this opportunity to make their mark on CWRU. One student has already bought 44 toilets in order to name each one after a different U.S. president.

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Administration’s open forums discuss administrative necessities Caleb Diaz Staff Reporter In an attempt to model the transparency of a certain Clinton, the administration at Case Western Reserve University hosts many open forums for students. As of late, these forums discussed tuition raises. In an effort to promote dialogue and the sharing of ideas, the administration encouraged students to come with their questions and concerns.

Enticed by promises of pizza and open ears, students flocked to the auditoriums they frequently deride on YikYak. They are met with Rascal House or Bon Appétit pizzas and endearing smiles from the administration. Undergraduate Student Government (USG) representatives hold these open forums with high regard, and try to channel the spirit of the administration within their organization.

At the forums, the administration begins with a spiel about why they are increasing tuition prices: to pay for liability insurance in the event that an icicle kills someone walking outside of the Tinkham Veale University Center,

to pay for the exorbitant amount of salt and to pay for programs that make the student experience better. Afterward, they open it up to the floor.

“My family can barely afford Case right now, and cannot continue to pay for it if tuition keeps increasing. Is there a way we can keep tuition at a flat rate for four years?” one student asks.

Typically, snaps resonate throughout the auditorium, a sign of widespread shared discontent.

“Black and blue or white and gold?” Provost William A. “Bud” Baeslack III responds with a follow-up question. Clearly bewildered, the audience begins to whisper among themselves.

“Um—excuse me?” the student, obviously confused, seeks clarification from the chief academic officer. “I’m not quite sure what you’re getting at.”

“Oh, I was just wondering if I should get my checks in black and blue or white and gold. Or maybe scarlet and gray—wait, is that considered treason?” Baeslack looks out at the

wide-eyed student audience. A few administrators are immersed in their smartphones.

One is on LinkedIn, another writing a review for L’Albatros on Yelp.

“Come on, guys. Help me out here. I need your input on this; that’s why we’re here, right?” A Baeslack smile buds. “Barbara, help me out here.” The president pays no attention.

The atmosphere in the auditorium is like the third floor stacks in KSL on a Saturday night.

After the forum, students were asked about their thoughts. “Quite frankly, I had no idea what was going on. I just went for the pizza honestly.”

Another student shared the same sentiment; they were quoted saying, “Why should I care about this? It doesn’t really affect me. Besides, who in the world would want black and blue checks?”

When asked about his puzzling questions on check color, Baeslack declined to answer.

This is not the first time that administrators asked students random questions during important student forums. On another occasion, one administrator asked students whether a

blue or red tie would be appropriate with a navy suit. After enjoying a slice of greasy Rascal House pizza, the administrator concluded that “pepperoni red” would look best.

Yet tuition rates continue to climb at a rate between two and three percent per year. However, administrators continue to ask for student input. In a recent statement the Provost’s office said, “Ninety percent of our everyday decisions are based on student input. The other 10 percent includes issues like tuition raises and need-aware admissions.”

Two weeks after an open forum, students approached Baeslack about their discontent.

Baeslack, pizza in hand, surprised them by extending his gratitude for their help in making a very important decision that he believes will impact the university in a subtle, yet vital way.

“I’d like to thank the students that attended the open forum two weeks ago. I decided to order a checkbook with transparent checks. I think it accurately reflects the attitudes of CWRU’s administration. In fact, I am absolutely enthused by the idea that I can pay for pizza for the next forum with these see-through checks.”

New walls fix campus diversity problems:

Civil engineering professors and students collaborate to meet new federal “wall” requirements set by Trump for universities Justo Karell Staff Reporter Both Case Western Reserve University’s endowment and its minority population will climb record heights this upcoming semester.

While the former cannot be reported, students will be able to—and likely have to—climb at least 20 feet to get to campus, due to Donald Trump’s new immigration policy.

In an attempt at thoroughness, his new initiative, titled “We’re Building a Wall,” will apply at the federal and university level.

Among accredited universities, this will allow minority students and civil engineering professors to take part in various wall building projects without pay that will keep diversity and change out of the university, and hopefully

make it more of an inspiring challenge to enter than it already is.

Juniper, known as the multicultural dormitory area, is where the largest wall will be built.

This wall will hopefully segregate the diverse student body who have only been able to contribute to award-winning start-up companies, a variety of campus clubs and lucrative alumni connections to CWRU. This will foster a sense of ignorant bliss amongst the student body beginning their first year, thereby improving peace of mind and, in turn, the quality of education.

The new wall around MSASS will not feature any windows, nor any doors. Instead, it provides an incentive for faculty who help the community to make the most of their soon to be despondent resources. This wall will have a

great impact locally, as it both inhibits faculty from leaving campus (which would naturally impede their research), and hinders community development as a result.

By discouraging faculty that contribute to society from doing their job, this wall is planned to increase job satisfaction ratings of other professors and prohibit non-American values from entering the student body.

The next great wall between E. 114th St. and E. 115th St. will fill the tall, cumbersome gap between the bridge and the street. Minority students who are forced to help build it now have the opportunity to pioneer change in CWRU’s community involvement by directly segregating campus from the community itself. The rock climbing club will also host free lessons for commuters, so that they can learn

how to safely overcome this new and exciting border.

In addition, Trump’s donations have also given birth to two new political science degrees; a Master of Fine Arts and a Masters of Business Administration in Political Science.

These degrees will train students in the financial maneuvers and theatrical prowess required to be successful in contemporary politics.

Faculty who did not receive PhD’s at private universities will be given free spray-paint cans to express their newfound depression and strife through artistic forms of vandalism. All in all, Trump’s re-segregation of facilities, obstruction of certain administrative duties and suppression of minorities on campus will help make CWRU and, most importantly, America, great again.

A look inside the Microsoft Hololens Isidora Radovanovic Staff Reporter The Microsoft Hololens brings high-definition holograms to life right in front of your eyes. Unlike virtual reality headsets, such as the Oculus Rift, which ignore the real world, the Microsoft Hololens projects life-size, interactive holograms onto your surroundings. You can walk across Mars’ surface, poke holographic sheep and even build your own unique holographic experiences!

Using the Microsoft Hololens, you can visualize and improve your digital content in the real world, making your dreams into a reality. Interacting with the world around you has never been this easy. The user just makes simple gestures or phrases to tell the Microsoft Hololens what to do.

Furthermore, the adjustable Hololens headband is unbelievably comfortable and distributes the device’s weight evenly around the crown of your head, making sure your ears and nose don’t get sore from wear.

Nathan Schulitz, a computer engineering major at Case Western Reserve University, was fortunate enough to be among the

first testers for the Microsoft Hololens. At first he used the Hololens exclusively for face-timing his mother and projecting lifelike holograms of Jennifer Lopez, but then he finally decided to test out a few apps.

In an attempt to motivate himself to arduously train for the upcoming Rite Aid Cleveland Marathon, Nathan installed the Zombies, Run! app on his iPhone. In the app, only a few humans have survived the zombie epidemic on Earth. The runner must help rescue fellow survivors and gather supplies, all while being chased by an army of zombies.

Nathan decided to use his Microsoft Hololens to bring his Zombies, Run! experience to a whole new adrenaline-inducing level. Last Friday, after starting up the Zombies, Run! app and securing the Microsoft Hololens onto his head, Nathan began his usual morning jog through University Circle. Not only could he hear the zombies’ spine-tingling moans and groans, he could actually see them right behind, running after him like a pack of flesh-eating hyenas. He swore he could smell their foul breath and feel their grimy, bloody hands.

They kept coming after him, faster and

Letty Dornfield/Athenian faster, never ceasing, and so Nathan kept sprinting mile after sweaty mile until he realized he was falling down, off a cliff as a matter of fact. Since the incident, Nathan

Schulitz has sold his Development Edition Microsoft Hololens on eBay and has stated there is no way in hell he would ever use the device again.

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4/1/2016

Who Wore it Better?

Maximus Decimus Meridius vs. Spartie in gladiator clothing

Trump “just kidding” about wall, independent run, entire campaign: an intriguing press release Tejas Joshi Staff Reporter

Maximus Decimus Meridius from the movie Gladiator and Case Western Reserve University’s mascot Spartie both wore similar looking gladiator inspired outfits. Maximus sported a traditional looking gladiator costume in black leather designed by Janty Yates while Spartie rocked a blue plush and plastic outfit designed by Alibaba.com. Maximus accented the outfit with a sword and shoulder plate while Spartie chose his trademark helmet.

WINNER: Both look fantastic but Maximus’s outfit is much more cohesive. While the look is pretty solid, Spartie is too much of a walking contradiction. Last time we checked, Spartie was a Spartan, not a Roman gladiator, and his knight helmet doesn’t help his image either. The blue brings the party, but we can‘t help falling for Maximus’ classic look.

Angeline Xiong/Athenian

HANAHAN, S.C.—A revealing statement released Thursday by Corey Lewandowski, Donald Trump’s campaign manager, has clarified many of the candidate’s recent comments. Strikingly, he revealed that he was “just kidding” about a possible independent run for president, his role in the birther movement and about the existence of his entire campaign.

This press release was published just days after Trump’s press conference in South Carolina. It further explains diverse issues from his platform, including his reasons for opposing the closure of Guantanamo Bay, his arguments against gun control, and his thoughts on why many Americans believe that he is actually running for the presidency.

Perhaps most notably, the report detailed how Trump’s comments about building a wall across the entirety of the U.S.–Mexico border was clearly satirical, pointing to his silly suggestion that Mexico would pay for the monument of anti-Mexican sentiment as clear evidence the was joking.

In fact, Trump appears to have been joking on a wide variety of issues including his hesitance to disavow support of former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke, his suggestion that Senator John McCain isn’t a war hero and his many crude and misogynistic comments about women. The document stated further that his campaign “never thought people would seriously believe that he would support committing war crimes by killing the families of terrorists” and that “of course, he was joking in his continued insistence that Obama wasn’t born in the U.S. I mean, what moron would take a ridiculous stance like that seriously.”

We reached out to Trump for further comment on these revelations, but he instead described his delight and surprise in carving out a dominant position in his party during recent primaries: “I always knew that people love Trump. They love me, they love my policies and they just can’t get enough of my brand. I expected to win Georgia, Tennessee and Vermont easily,” he explained. “But Massachusetts! Now that was a huge surprise.

I mean, I’m not even running for president!”

When asked about the other Republican candidates, he dismissed them as “weak liars and pushovers” and described how he could both mentally and physically best each of them in a competition of their own choosing. “My penis is huge,” he added.

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Yik Yak: Exposed Bhargavee Gnanasamdam Staff Reporter Every Yik Yak has a story behind it.

The Athenian went behind the scenes to investigate these stories.

[HARLD]: You have a package.

From across the room, I could see her.

Her hair gleaming from the illumination of the white lights above, and I could feel the excitement tingling beneath her.

She walked up to the counter, and swiped her card. Her eyes glowed as someone brought me to her. She grabbed me with delight and pulled me close to her.

“I’ve been waiting forever,” she said, as she carried me out the door.

Little did she know, I too was waiting.

There were so many surprises waiting inside me that she just had to open up to find out.

I’M UGLY AND I’M PROUD Once upon a time, Mr. Harry Buits woke up with a sense of eager passion in his clogged up heart. He had fallen asleep with cheese puffs sprawled over his size 2XL t-shirt he bought at Walmart. He rolled out of his mid-lofted bed until his toes touched the ground and let the rest of his body collide with the ground right after.

As he pulled on his CWRU sweatpants for the day, he walked out only to find the love of his life lying like one of those French girls on the couch. His heart almost stopped, but not from the cheese puffs.

“Hi,” he said as he tried to not vomit all over himself.

“Gross,” she replied as she got up and walked away.

So, he ate another cheese puff, and pulled out his phone.

Any girls wanna shag?

Ordinary Steve had an extraordinary night. His friends pulled him around campus, giving him a shot of this and a whiff of that at every party they could find. His brain buzzed in delight, wanting more and more until it just couldn’t take it no more. So, when he finally made it back to his room, he pulled out his phone and decided it was time to finish tonight with something special. He walked around his floor, asking for a little help. But the girls on his floor thought Ordinary Steve was too ordinary, so he decided to take matters into his own hands.

Why aren’t Iphone chargers called Apple Juice?

Hannah Montina was hunched over her desk typing up her essay, when finally it clicked. It’s that moment that every scientist has dreamed about, when suddenly everything comes together and

a new discovery has been birthed to the universe. It’s a moment that makes them want to scream to the universe and jump in delight. But every once a while, these new discoveries are actually just farts sent to the world to convince the plebeians that maybe they too can contribute to science. This is, in fact, false.

I never use tongs to grab my cookies. I’m a badass.

It’s the little moments that help determine the big moments. Stanley liked living his life in real time, making decisions on the spot instead of thinking about what he did. One day, Stanley decided it would be best to bake some chocolate chunk weed cookies. He worked for hours, ignoring his real priorities, only to finally end up in the hospital with second-degree burns on his hands and esophagus for gobbling up the cookies right out of the oven.

Review: The Athenian Update Michael R. Codega Unbiased Staff Reporter We at the Athenian know that humor is hard; that’s why we don’t hold it against our sister production, the Athenian Update, for being funnier than us. That said, if you’d like a good chuckle, and want the chance of laughter delivered in smaller, digestible bites than a full mouthful of an Athenian magazine, the Update is perfect for you.

While I have yet to actually watch the biweekly production myself, I have been told by numerous secondhand sources, all

of whom think they know one of the elusive regular viewers, that after 7-10 episodes, you’re hooked. At press time, they just released their 6th episode, and hope to find a captive audience in the next 4 productions, which they promise will be “almost as good as the one with Drew Meyer.”

The two hosts, Paul and the Blonde One, really make the show great. Over the past 6 episodes, Paul has been a mainstay on the show, while for 5 of the episodes, the Blonde One joined him as coanchor.

As they say about most things, two is better than one, which unfortunately means

that Paul alone cannot make the show. The Blonde One really carries the show, and is the only real reason to watch (sorry, Paul).

Each episode tackles a wide array of news stories, boiling down the long, complicated events into simple, sarcastic platitudes and cheap punchlines. Often, you don’t really know what happened in the world, but you know that something is funny. It doesn’t really matter, since you’d never take the time to research these events anyway. Most people don’t even know much happens on campus, which is why it’s a rare treat when the Update fea-

tures a news story about the local happenings.

Are you sick of hearing about the presidential elections? Because the only consistently funny thing to happen in this country is the Republicans. Expect to hear something about politics, since the Update likes to remind you that there is nothing new in politics.

All in all, the Athenian Update is an excellent way to spend a few minutes of your day, provided you don’t have something more important to do, like sleep, or study, or exercise, or check facebook, or vote, or read the real Athenian.

CWRU security crime blotter Steve Kerby Contraband lab help On Feb. 29, security officers raided an unexplored lower floor of Nord, breaking up a shadowy association of white undergraduates creating illicit pamphlets instructing students on how to complete first-year lab sections. Officer Willy B. Laite criticized the students, saying “We have eliminated this instrument of misinformation, and we hope that our efforts help return laboratory courses to the learning experiences they were meant to be, with many stress-inducing uncertainty calculations and frustrating instrumental malfunctions.”

Theft from Leutner An unnamed 5’ 8’’ economics major was put on behavioral suspensions March 2 for attempting to smuggle a bag of white-chocolate-chip brownies out of Leutner Commons in his pants. A pat-down revealed several sandwiches hidden in his shoes and a shrimp salad enclosed in a pocket of his underwear. “Come on, we pay way too much for meal plans, we should be able to take whatever we like,” complained the con. Enhanced interrogation revealed tubs of iced crème stashed in Clarke Tower.

Rampant jaywalking The security office recently decided to enforce laws against jaywalking more strictly across campus. On the first day of the new policy, March 1, 178 students were detained while officers wrote them tickets for offenses such as crossing Euclid Ave. when the timer clearly said 10 seconds left. Students were held for 15 minutes and assigned a disciplinary essay on the merits of traffic safety.

Casino Night rigging On March 4, a Case Western Reserve University SWAT team raided the casino night fundraiser of the Case Kite-Making and Submarine-Piloting Club. Besides confiscating several decks of false cards designed to cheat players of CaseCash, officers succeeded in capturing the elusive head of the infamous CWRUminati, a secret society that they claim has been siphoning funds off the Student Activity Fee for almost a decade.

arts &

entertainment

Climate change: Earth unfiltered A conversation with our planet

Letty Dornfeld Staff Reporter Scientists have proven that the Earth’s climates are changing more rapidly than ever before. The planet’s average surface temperature rose by 0.6 degrees Celsius over the past century, which is double the amount it had risen since the end of the last Ice Age. In response to these strange occurrences, The Athenian decided to interview the Earth to see what was wrong.

Why is it heating up so quickly?

When I approached the Earth and asked about this, it suddenly burst into tears.

“All I want to do is go back to the good old days when I was made of nothing but molten rock and boiling metal,” it sobbed. “I’m going to die in only five billion years, and my continents, oceans and ice caps will never get any more youthful! My health is deteriorating, I have very few long-term friends, and all the other planets are wealthier and more successful than I am!”

That was when The Athenian made a shocking discovery: the Earth was going through a midlife crisis.

It all makes sense. The Earth itself can’t die on its own because it’s just a giant space rock, but the sun it has been orbiting around is about halfway

through its life. When the sun expands as it gets older, it will roast and engulf the Earth, taking the planet down with it as it dies.

The Earth, now realizing its inevitable death, is panicking not only over the fact that it’ll be burned alive someday but also over how it’s already halfway done with its life.

When the Earth was asked what the temperature changes had to do with this, it told The Athenian about its glory days as a young planet.

“I was a much hotter planet back then,” it sniffled. “For thousands of years, all the biggest asteroids just threw themselves on me. They couldn’t resist

me. But then I had a one-night stand with this giant rock called Theia, and I ended up as an unwed planet having a moon before I was ready.”

After crying some more, it said, “I thought that making myself hotter now would at least make me feel a little bit better. I still haven’t told the moon that it’s an accident, and now I wonder if it’ll ever know if I die first.”

When The Athenian asked if there was anything it could do to help the Earth, it replied, “Don’t be like me. Start thinking right now about what you’ll do for your future. Otherwise, you’ll end up with a giant basalt rock tugging at your oceans all day.”

Pictures from Earth Day at CWRU

Barnabas Brenan/Athenian

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Game review: New “Pac-man” Daniel Mottern Staff Reporter NAMCO Entertainment is finally back on people’s minds with their new game. It’s been described by critics as a “retro-style PAC-MAN remake… straying away from modern deviations, and going back to its roots.” I have been fortunate enough to get a sneak preview of this game, and I will be reviewing it for the benefit of the Case Western Reserve University Community.

First impressions: I received the game on a USB drive that was sent to me via carrier squirrel.

When I downloaded the file, I was immediately immersed in the retro-feeling game. Before the menu screen, we are

greeted with a cutscene showing our protagonist, Pac-Man, being chased by his four rivals, Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde, before gaining the upper hand.

I felt that this highlighted the power struggle between the player and the game itself. It poses the question, are we playing the game, or is the game playing us?

The look of the game fits the retro theme perfectly. Like many recent game developers, NAMCO decided on an eight-bit art style that was reminiscent of the original game, while still being unique. The enemies appear to be colored ghosts with eyes, who relentlessly chase after our protagonist. Of course, who could forget the spherical man him-

self, Pacman, in this new version of the game, it a striking resemblance to his original design. I mean, if it isn’t broken, why fix it?

The game itself felt like a modernized 2-D maze. It managed to still feel sleek, yet retro. Namco even packaged the new version of the game with a streamlined control system. These new controls are named “Pacman quad-directional control mechanism”, or “Pac-Stick” for short. The smooth controls allow for Pacman to move in all four directions.

The game also has nearly infinite replay value. Each time that you play, your opponents will make different moves.

Every choice you make really matters in this game. Do I turn right or left? Do I

dare to eat the cherry? Should I engulf the ghost, or spare it? Each decision you make affects the outcome of your game, and means that no two players will play the exact same game.

To summarize, Namco’s remake of this classic is an absolute hit. With such stiff competition, such as Fallout 4 and Undertale, Pac-Man still manages to come out on top. NAMCO also does not plan to stop there! Over the coming years, they have plans for more sequels, and even hinted at the possibility of playing as Ms. Pacman, finally filling the need for a strong female protagonist in a potential Game Of The Year nominee. Congrats, NAMCO, and keep on doing what you’re doing!

Editor’s Choice

CWRU celebrates Earth Day with consumerism festival Sabanrab Bocaj Staff Reporter This weekend we celebrate the 46th-annual Earth Day, a now globally honored tradition. With continually increasing concerns about climate change, it is important to remember how far we have come.

Until 1970, when the original Earth Day was declared, most municipalities in the United States lacked sufficient or basic water treatment facilities. Environmental engineering has grown into a dedicated field of study, with a constant influx of projects on land decontamination and pollution reduction. Even big corporations like DuPont have joined the efforts over the years, like in 1986 when the major CFC producer pledged its support for the chemical ban in the United States. DuPont became a major

proponent of environmental justice (insofar as they could keep making money and prevent others from profiting off the compound).

Because of these steps forward, both environmentalists and corporate leaders have joined together in a spirit of unity and merriment for the Northeast Ohio Consumerism Festival, since it has been determined that “We’ve made it thus far okay, and our ultra-spending American lifestyle is more sustainable than ever,” according to Thneed Corp CEO Humphrey Wagner.

Case Western Reserve University has offered to host the festivities across campus, in an attempt to be at the forefront of professional and social movements.

The general consensus among CWRU students is that it is much easier to feel less guilty about general wastefulness knowing that we have kind of been do-

ing better. According to one freshman, “We’ve been trying to be responsible for a while, so it’s time we had a little splurge,” citing the fact that the awareness campaign for recycling and energy usage is going strong.

As is common in today’s society, Earth Day has been decidedly stretched into Earth Week, in order to further spread the message of hope and vision, but also basically Earth Month, because only seven days of debauchery is thoroughly unpatriotic. Tables and tents have dotted every open space in University Circle, from Rascal House to Wade Lagoon. A favorite among students is the lean finely textured beef demonstration, dubbed the ‘pink slime soirée.’ Also popular among the youth is the Wade Lagoon septic scuba training session.

Some have spoken out about the

festival, however, citing the copious amounts of litter that have accompanied the vast crowds and the general lack of focus on the environmental concerns Earth Day was founded on.

Other festival attendees told us that the presence of Smart cars, green light bulbs, and Freon-free refrigerators left open on the Case quad, proves that this extravagant way of life is more than justified. Leading CWRU student environmentalist James Conroy said, “This is a year of hope, but also of concern. Yes we can feel glory in the achievements we have made, but if we get ahead of ourselves, we will soon forget that this battle is far from won. When the polar ice caps melt, it will be hard to ‘chill.’”

Conroy then worked his way towards the free samples at the Thneed kiosk set up next to Melt University in the Tinkham Veale University Center.

The next greatest show: “Friends”

Jahlyn Reyes-McKinley Lord Potato of Couchington Synopsis: So no one told you life was gonna be this way. Your job’s a joke, you’re broke, your love life’s D.O.A. It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear. When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month or even your year, but… I’ll be there for you (When the rain starts to pour). I’ll be there for you (Like I’ve been there before). I’ll be there for you (‘Cause you’re there for me too).

After months of mourning the loss of one of the greatest sitcoms of all time, “Parks and Recreation,” I finally decided to put away my Mouse Rat CD, and scour the deepest, darkest depths of

cable to find the next big thing. Seventy-two sleepless hours and three dented couches later, I bring you this decade’s crown jewel of television: “Friends.”

If the catchiest theme song on the planet doesn’t pull you in, then just wait ‘til you get a load of these characters!

There’s the loveable dope, Joey (Matt LeBlanc), the basket case, Phoebe (Lisa Kudrow), the control freak, Monica (Courteney Cox), the sad sap, Ross (David Schwimmer), the broke trust fund baby, Rachel (Jennifer Aniston) and the charming jester, Chandler (Matthew Perry). It’s basically “The Breakfast Club” reloaded. With a stellar cast of unknowns, (I mean Cox did have “Cougar Town” at some point, but I think that this show will breathe life back into her

withering career), the show is sure to please.

On top of having characters whose wits just won’t quit, I personally enjoyed the director’s creative decision to take viewers on a trip in a DeLorean back to the nineties. Ah, the nineties… a time of Bill Clinton, economic stability and most importantly the Spice Girls.

That, along with the constant cackling of dead people in the background, gives the show that classic sitcom vibe.

Even with all of the gut-busting laughs, this show doesn’t fall short of tugging at your heartstrings. For instance, everyone might be laughing at some joke that Chandler said when you are suddenly hit with a realization: you have no actual friends. Unlike any

of these people, you are utterly alone.

This will in turn cause a downward spiral lead by the ghost of mistakes past, until you miraculously snap out of it.

On a whim, you will buy a plane ticket to Aruba because you are the definition of spontaneity and making friends is your strong suite. As you’re waiting in line at the airport with a fresh pair of sunglasses and a smile on your face, you will hear the call of your dented couch, drop everything and run home to embrace your television. This is where you belong, sitting in the comfort of your home, daring to channel search for “Friends,” despite everything.

The Verdict: “Friends” is awesome.

Tune in Wednesdays at 8 p.m. on NBC for all of the awesomeness.

8

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opinion Editor’s note Anne Nickoloff Editor-in-Chief I’ve been a member of both The Observer and The Athenian for four years, and it’s been an interesting combination.

Sometimes it’s hard to juggle my current positions as the editor-in-chief of The Athenian and the director of print for The Observer. One publication is satire, and one is sort of news. One is completely fake, and the other is mostly not fake, usually.

Really, the most difficult part of simultaneously being in these two positions is when people confuse my squirrel comics.

(Also difficult: People misunderstanding my squirrel comics as an obsession. I’m not obsessed, I just really, really like squirrels, okay?)

As a publication, The Athenian has had its ups and its downs, but every year, the April issue is a highlight for me and many other members of the publication. Making fun of The Observer is basically The Athenian’s true calling; we wait for this time all year to finally unleash our inner fury towards the paper format.

And yeah, I work for the paper alongside The Athenian, as do a few other staff members—inner fury still exists for us, too.

This April issue is tricky because The Observer is, occasionally, funny. What the heck are we supposed to do when The Observer writes about serial poopers and sugar daddies, when the horoscopes already don’t make any freaking sense?

When it comes to being actually funny, well, only a few members on staff actually consider themselves to be actually funny. The rest of us, myself included, try to get by on puns, memes and butt jokes.

Here’s a taste of failure: One time I tried to do a bit about scuba diving in Lake Erie. I told the story about going underwater to find treasure, and thinking it was raining, but it wasn’t because I was underwater. And that was the punchline. Or something. (I don’t really know where I was going with that.)

Anyway, happy April Fools’ Day. We gave this issue our best shot; hopefully it confused you, like we wanted it to. And if it didn’t, or if you’re enraged by something we did, go post on YikYak about how annoying we are or something.

To all the funny people out there, I salute you. Also, maybe you should join us. You’d get some free pizza and good times out of it, at least. I know I did.

Anne Nickoloff

“Newspaper? More like snoozepaper” Not impressed

Jessica Chalas

If you walk into Leutner Commons, you’ll see on the right-hand side a little black newspaper stand, replenished daily with your favorite local and national newspapers. Of course, my mention of it is quite probably the first time you’ve ever heard of this, a prop you casually overlook every day. Newspapers? In Leutner? For what?

There are the few—mind you, the very few—that will argue the benefit of reading a newspaper with their morning coffee or afternoon tea. This adversary will consist mostly of the posh, the privileged, the boring or the poverty-stricken, though the poor in particular prefer the utilitarian advantage of the newspaper.

Yes, so boring is the newspaper that we’ve had to find other uses for it beyond its initial purpose of actually providing the news: as a park-bench blanket, a poster-board backing, a placemat for wet shoes, a protectant against various spills, as a way show off your commendable recycling habits and as a way to make you look more impressive on that first coffeehouse date. There has even been the occasional newspaper-ball fight, a pitiable substitute for the beloved paper-snowball fight, being that white printer paper is disproportionately more useful than your average newspaper.

But why really is our plight against the newspaper so bitter and defaming?

Simple: the problem is in its content!

First off, about five minutes after being printed, all the information is quite

The Athenian is the monthly undergraduate student humour magazine of Case Western Reserve University. Established in 2000, The Athenian exists to report fake things affecting real students and to provide fart jokes for the university community. Unsigned editorials are typically written by the Managing Editor but reflect the majority opinion of the senior editorial staff. However, Opinion columns are the views of their writers and not necessarily of The Athenian staff.

For advertising information, contact The Athenian at (216) 555-5555 or e-mail athenian@case.edu.

The Athenian is a proud member of CWRU’s University Media Board.

LETTERS OF INTENT TO JOIN should be e-mailed to athenian@case.edu or submitted on our website at cwruathenian.com. If you can find a stamp...and paper letters can be mailed to oh wait I don’t think we actually have an address. For policy and guidelines related to the submission of Letters to the Editor, refer to cwruathenian.com/submit-a-letter.

literally what you would call “old news.”

Turn to virtually any electronic device and nine times out of 10, what’s “frontpage news” on paper is now on par with a columnist’s rant about the dangers of soymilk in terms of relevance. Besides that, what good is news that doesn’t cater to your literacy fancies? Sport? Pff. Politics? Bogus. Health and fitness?

Now there’s something…

Whether you’re a homely housewife, a pro-wrestler or a bitter teacher in your late 50s, the newspaper just doesn’t get it. If you read a story and like it, you want to read MORE. Instead, the paper mocks you, citing “continued on page 12,” just to make you spend 10 minutes trying to separate absurdly thin pieces of paper for the benefit of a lame conclusion paragraph. The poor old lady is then

forced to read about Puff Daddy’s latest marijuana scandal. (Have some pity.)

Finally, let’s face it. The newspaper is simply not flashy, not bright, and— need I remind you of your local hobo— it will quite literally put you to sleep.

No matter how much we deny it, our generation thrives on multiple icons and annoying popups adorned with a few advertisements and free coupon offers.

What better way to start the day?

So be the reasonable person and hit the Net for your latest news, updated every millisecond. And if you’re really in it for the “rustic” feel of tiny words on tangible paper, why not try a magazine for a change? I personally recommend The Athenian, made by those who frankly don’t care what you think and are just out there to make you snicker every once in a while.

the athenian

contributors BARNABAS BRENAN established in 2000 by the undergraduate JESSICA CHALAS students of case western reserve university MICHAEL CODEGA editor in chief ANNE NICKOLOFF CALEB DIAZ managing director MAHIMA DEVARAJAN LETTY DORNFIELD head of design BETH MAGID BHARGAVEE GNANASAMDAM director of business operations SARAH LISK ANDREW HODOWANEC advertising & marketing manager ANASTAZIA VANISKO JUSTO KARELL STEVE KERBY ALAINA LISANTI PR & Social Media Manager TEJAS JOSHI MIKE McKENNA copy editor JULIA BIANCO DANIEL MOTTERN copy editor DAVID PENDERGAST MARISSA NEEL distrubution managerJP. O’HAGAN PAUL PALUMBO layout editor and web manager SARAH WHELAN RIDDHI PATEL ISIDORA RADOVANOVIC thank you to the observer staff for putting up with FARAH RAHMAN this April Fool’s Issue JAHLYN REYES-MCKINLEY KATIE STARR advisor BRAD RICCA ANGELINE XIONG

opinion 11

cwruathenian.com

Tobacco ban doesn’t go far enough 3-pack a day

Phillip Morris

As has been reported in other, lesser student publications, the Faculty Senate voted in December 2015 to approve a tobacco ban on the campus of Case Western Reserve University.

A late January 2016 Undergraduate Student Government meeting addressed student concerns over the policy, with further clarification that e-cigarettes and vaporizers would be banned and patches and other cessation devices would not be.

While a final list of tobacco products to be banned had not yet been determined nor was an enforcement policy drafted at the time (not to mention the realization that the university has no jurisdiction over tobacco usage on the numerous cityowned sidewalks and roadways circling around and cutting through campus), the policy still passed the Faculty Senate and seemed to be en route for enactment.

With the process being delayed after calls for a USG student referendum, I think it’s time to step back and reassess the scope of the proposal as a whole.

Namely: it doesn’t go far enough.

Since the university has taken up the task of regulating legal behaviors on campus, it’s high time we consider becoming a dry campus. A ban on alcohol would have a whole string of benefits: underage drinking would dramatically decrease, vandalism would be reduced

if not eliminated and hospital transports would decline.

To give more specifics, this proposal is calling for a total ban on alcohol. From beer to Everclear, alcohol will be banned on campus grounds and in campus buildings (including chemistry and biology labs), even for those over 21. Of course, this may require modifying the offerings of several campus food and drink establishments or else closing them down for compliance sake.

Enforcement is a tricky topic. Some propose designated drinking areas, but I advocate instead for a complete ban as the only effective method; citations would be issued to those in possession of or consuming alcohol. The proposal also calls for the university to erect approximately $30,000 worth of signage along pathways and outside buildings reminding students that this is an alcohol-free campus.

Think of the upsides: Prospective students will flock to CWRU once they hear about our strict ban on tobacco and alcohol. Current students will also have more time to study and go to university-approved parties (students can apply to have their party marked with a green check indicating it has been reviewed and authorized by the university) rather than utilize alcohol to “relax” or “have a good time.”

After all, when has banning something ever not worked?

It could always be worse Optimistic Oksinav Aizatsana It’s easy to complain about the world around us. Top 40 music is horrific, a mirror qualifies as art as long as you stick it in a modern art museum, the front-runner for the Republican presidential candidacy refuses to condemn the leader of the Klu Klux Klan … The list of things to complain about is never ending.

But is it really that bad? Sure, having to listen to “Sorry” on the radio makes my ears bleed, but is it as bad as when our grandparents had to listen to Frank Sinatra or, God forbid, jazz? After all, who can handle music without words?

Ultimately, while it’s annoying that we have to deal with issues like these in our everyday lives, it could definitely be worse.

For example, when walking through a modern art museum, it’s hard to ignore the fact that a three-year-old could have drawn some of these paintings of circles if they had a very large protractor and a half-decent aptitude for painting inside the lines. But it’s not as bad as the canvases that look like someone literally just threw paint at them. I easily could have done that if someone gave me a can of paint to throw around when I’m angry. But the paintings in modern art museums aren’t as bad as the people who actually enjoy them. Those are the passive aggressive people who tell you that you shouldn’t complain just because you didn’t think to paint a circle on a white canvas.

Those people are the worst.

There are also those crazy drivers that cut you off when you’re driving to work whose actions seem inexcusable in the moment.

That’s really not terrible at all, though. When-

ever a man zooms over from the far left lane of the freeway and almost hits your car in his mad dash to not miss his exit, remember that it’s not as bad as if he tried to do this two seconds later and ended up plowing into your car and leaving you permanently wounded. Imagine that you hadn’t even been in a car. You could have been a crazy biker on the freeway. Then your poor person would have been obliterated. See, this scenario could have been so much worse.

Neighbors are another inescapable part of our lives that are easy to hate. They’re loud, they incessantly knock on your door whenever your friend’s car is parked on the street in front of their house and they throw their cigarette stubs over the fence into your backyard.

It could be so much worse though. Instead, you could have the creepy quiet neighbor that lures women into his basement. You could be guilt-ridden for years, always wondering how you never knew. At least these neighbors are so loud that you know what they’re doing at all hours of the day.

The easiest thing to complain about these days, though, is the election. But let’s remember that there are worse things in the world than Donald Drumpf winning.

Drumpf succeeding because the American people chose him wouldn’t be as bad as women voting for Bernie just to get guys to like them. And staying in America if he wins wouldn’t be as bad as trying to understand French Canadians if you move to Montreal. Or learning French in general.

It’s hard to remember that the situations we find ourselves in at any given moment could be infinitely worse. If we don’t remember that, we tend to get too caught up in our own problems.

And so, Mom, my grades are really not that bad.

Who to choose: An indepth analysis of the G.O.P. candidates A rapidly aging white male Jahlyn Reyes-McKinley

VOT

E

I’ve always enjoyed sitting back and watching the political dog and pony show unfold from my gold-plated yacht off the coast of Venezuela, but I say, the tides of this presidential race are even pulling me in.

There’s not only a glorified commie, but a WOMAN running for president, which I guess should be expected when dealing with the left, but even my own party has me baffled. In my day, our party’s shenanigans were caused by actual criminal behavior, not blatant name calling that would be deemed lame by the average fifth grader. With this in mind, I barely know of what to make of all this, and I can’t even fathom what the thoughts of the common plebeians are.

On that note, I’ve decided to do what any God-loving patriot, in dire need of a tax write off, would do and break it all down for FREE in a college newspaper.

I think it’s only fair to start with the prized pony the establishment chose to hitch their wagon to: Marco Rubio. He’s allergic to any real advancement on the social front, just like we like ‘em, and is pretty much your paint by numbers republican in a fancy, limited edition Cuban wrapping paper. I mean just look at that smile! That’s a winner’s smile.

Then there’s Ted Cruz and Donald Trump; the Evangelical and King Midas respectively. I don’t know if there is a better way to define extreme than these two. Now don’t get me wrong, I love belligerently yelling at foreigners, all types I don’t discriminate (I’m looking at you, Europe), and talking Jesus just as much as the next guy, but these two are just too flashy and entertaining. Are Juilliard and the Oval Office the same thing?

Clearly the nominee should be John Kasich. He’s the kind of Republican we all know and tolerate, plus the same familiar packaging as nominees before him. He’s so bland, which in turn makes him so godly. This brilliant man should be ruler of the world, but I digress.

Regardless of who gets the nomination I still get to stop storing my billions in offshore bank accounts thanks to the huge cuts in taxes that will take place when we take the White House, so this is a win-win for me.

Whelp, now that things are all cleared up, I’ll leave the rest of the puzzle for someone else, and get back to enjoying my Caribbean Passion.

Cleveland Pizza Hut ends delivery; ruins dreams Hungry Anger McDanger Let me tell you a story: Once upon a time, there was a young college student by the name of Anger McDanger (no relation). On a dark and stormy night, Anger McDanger wanted only one thing—Pizza Hut. After visiting the chain’s beautifully designed new website (kudos to whoever built that) and choosing to order the stuffed garlic knots crust pizza with ham and pineapple on one side and onion on the other, Anger got ready to place his order, all still well in his world.

But then, everything crashed to the ground. An error message! Anger cried as he read the words: “There is no Pizza Hut in your area that delivers.” He crashed to his knees, screaming to the heavens his devastation, completely unaware of the RA coming down the hall to write him up for being too noisy.

Now, I know how you must feel after reading this story. Angry; upset; tumultuous, even. You’re thinking, wow, that was horrible, I’m so glad that was a fake story and not a real one. Well, I hate to break it to you, but that story was real, and Anger McDanger (no relation) actually is a relation. It’s me.

Now that I’ve broken that horrifying news to you, it’s time to get to the real part of this issue: the fact that the Pizza Hut gods have chosen to frown down upon Case Western Reserve University and remove our delivery rights, therefore destroying the ease and happiness that used to come from delicious, affordable food showing up on our doorstep.

I know what you’re thinking. “Oh, well you could just get delivery from somewhere else. Rascal House still delivers. Guy’s delivers. I think even Mama Santa’s delivers now.” Well, SCREW YOU. Rascal House, Guy’s and Mama Santa’s can’t hold a candle to Pizza Hut. NOT ONE. Don’t even start.

The fact that Pizza Hut has chosen not to deliver to the CWRU campus anymore is an affront to the entirety of humanity, one of the many consequences of the increasing moral depravity that our student body has been displaying of late.

Webster’s Dictionary defines “sin” as “the transgression of divine law,” and I think that the cancellation of Pizza Hut delivery is a direct result of our sins. If we do not repent and atone for all of our wrongdoings, we will never again be able to experience true happiness. We will never again get delivery from Pizza Hut.

12 opinion

4/1/2016

Let’s talk about doors!

Also very excited about windows

Paul Palumbo There’s a huge problem on the Case Western Reserve University campus that nobody is addressing, and I feel it is my obligation to point out the elephant in the room. CWRU is comprised of many different buildings, with a surplus of doors helping us students get in and out of them. So with such a huge, important responsibility that doors have been tasked with, why are all the doors on campus so ridiculous?

Let’s talk about some of the specific doors around here that desperately need a redesign.

For example, the Peter B. Lewis Building

doors. Now, it’s no secret that PBL is more like the Lewis Carroll Building, with doors numbered in weird ways and a fifth floor that is only accessible with the Marauder’s Map, a secret password and a blood oath. Still, is it so unreasonable that the madness at least waits until we get inside the building? But no, the doors leading to the PBL have vertical, pull handles facing both sides.

This might seem like a petty grievance, but anybody who’s visited the funhouse of CWRU has found themselves trying to pry open the doors to escape, only to realize that they must be pushed. Truly, this most minor of inconveniences simply must be addressed before more students embarrass themselves

trying to leave the maze of wonders.

The worst doorway, by FAR, is the set of swinging doors that lead into Rockefeller.

Now in theory, these doors should be awesome; pushing both those doors apart and strolling into the building like you’re searching for Dirty Dan. The execution, however, leaves something to be desired.

For one thing, those doors weigh approximately 7 tons, at least 6.5 tons heavier than necessary. Trying to open those doors oldwest style will only end in an immobile set of doors and a bunch of students behind you wondering why some chucklehead is stopping them from getting to Calc II on time.

When they do get open, you better be really

careful walking through them. Many unaware students have found themselves on the ground after a swinging door has decided to give them a high-speed hug. I’ve had my life flash before my eyes walking through those doors before; the person in front of me doesn’t hold it open, and I find myself facing down a speeding door and my elementary school graduation is dancing through my vision.

What I’m trying to say is that we need to form a committee to examine and redesign the numerous doors on campus to ensure the safety of students on their way to class. With any hope, this committee will be able to spare the Class of 2027 from the terror of the Rockefeller Slam.

Cultural appropriation Likes puns

Riddhi Patel

It is very difficult to stay imbedded in the culture you identify with in college and also just in America as well. In a country that is considered a melting pot that enforces policies of assimilation it is hard to stay anchored to your roots. However, there are dangerous new trends that are practiced by majority groups that not only make minority groups feel ashamed but also tarnish our cultural practices.

What the majority group is doing is called cultural appropriation and it is a big issue.

Cultural appropriation can be something small like getting a temporary tattoo in Chinese or something serious like wearing a Native American headdress. These types of cultural appropriation are targeted towards different racial and ethnic groups.

While it is unfortunately believed that culture only encompasses different racial and ethnic groups, this is not true. Culture exceeds the traditions and practices participated by people of common ancestry. Culture can also belong to people who are part of a certain activity that

has a deeper meaning such as yogurt culture.

Yes, eating yogurt is a culture. It is not limited to just women trying to lose weight and the 100-calorie brands. It is full of yogurt lovers who see past a the food as for diets only.

Yogurt culture is being appropriated, specifically Greek yogurt. The craze for Greek yogurt has swept the nation and started a new movement towards making all yogurt Greek.

Greek yogurt is not something you can just start eating and suddenly understand. No, it is much more complicated than that. Eating Greek yogurt and participating in Greek yogurt culture are very different. It is more about eating yogurt for a cause and not just eating it.

People who eat Greek yogurt are not only eating yogurt—they are participating in a greater cultural movement. Greek yogurt eaters understand that yogurt eating is about more than just eating but also embracing what yogurt eating means to your name and that if you eat yogurt you are accepting a label that entails negative connotations with it. This is necessary in order to become a decent participate in yogurt culture. Therefore you must become instilled in yogurt culture specifically Greek culture that encompass a chunky yum-

my yogurt that is mixed with honey and other condiments that are completely wrong.

Katie Starr/Athenian

Tired/Athenian

fun Horoscopes Aries: A late-night text from someone special may set your heart aflutter this weekend, but beware—not every booty call is as bootylicious as it seems.

Taurus: Although you may find that your input has been ignored at work for the past few weeks, the new moon is going to bring you a huge influx of ideas and idea-related stomach problems that will get everyone in the office talking.

Gemini: With the planets all travelling to the upper right hand corner of your star chart, this week looks like it’s going to be a doozy.

Use this weekend to take a long bath, drink some wine and stock up on Nerds Ropes to prepare yourself for the week ahead.

Cancer: Your emotions will be bouncing back and forth all over the place today, Cancer, but don’t worry: next week, the movement of the moon into Star Sector 3 will realign your heart (and the balance of intergalactic trade).

Leo: Don’t stress the small things this week. Keep in mind that everyone has flaws; just because yours are so horribly egregious doesn’t mean that you should let them stand in your way.

Virgo: Today is going to be wonderful for you, Virgo. Embrace the steps taken to get you to where you are, and look forward to the rollerblade pushes that will begin your glide towards the future.

Libra: With a solar eclipse approaching fast, be sure to lock down your priorities and prepare for a possibly tumultuous week.

And bury all your money in a gym sock in your backyard.

Scorpio: You’re a creature of routine, Scorpio, but although you may think that you’re set in your ways, a scuba diving leprechaun is heading your way to show you the value of change.

Sagittarius: Don’t worry if you’ve found yourself lacking motivation for the past few weeks.

Your melancholy is just one piece in the never-ending cycle of sadness and destruction that our world has become in the post-Leonardo DiCaprio Oscar win age.

Ophiuchus: Take some time to focus on yourself this week, because if you don’t take the time to clip your toenails, nobody else is going to do it for you.

Capricorn: Although Capricorns sometimes tend towards introspection, look outwards this week and you may be surprised by what you see. You never know when you may find a tails-up penny on the ground in front of you.

Aquarius: Some people in your life may be getting you down, but try and look at the positives—we are all nothing but dust in the wind, and one day we will all fade away to nothing.

Pisces: Try fishing.

Shit CWRU kids say crossword puzzle Across 4. “_____ warning!”

9. “I just feel like Katy Perry living in a _____ dream.”

10. “The only critically _____ movie I’ve ever seen is ‘The Big Lebowski.’”

11. “It was only like -10 degrees out, not _____ at all.”

12. “I heard him say ‘y’all’ once so you know he’s a _____.”

15. “You better _____ that bottle, dude.”

17. “This is zero-_____ water.”

20. “That League score was hella _____.”

21. “God, everyone who goes to Case is such a _____.”

23. “It’s time for a ‘Community’ style _____ war up in here.”

24. “Bitches always be dropping out of their part of the group project. I don’t get no _____.”

25. “Stop messing with me with all your _____.”

Down 1. “Okay but what color hoodie were the _____ in the security alert wearing?”

2. “Dude, I am ready to _____ this guest lecturer so hard.”

3. “Remain _____, the answer was right, it just wasn’t the right number of significant figures.”

4. “Yesterday I did some hardcore studying at Algebra _____.”

5. “I don’t mean to _____ a riot but there is a misspelling on this PowerPoint.”

6. “I mean, I didn’t do it _____, but at least I did it.”

7. “I’ll get back to my homework, I just need a little _____ of what fun is like first.”

8. “I’m so artsy, I basically am _____ Residential College.”

13. “Class is getting so intense that I bought a filing cabinet for all my _____.”

14. “I think my RA hated all of his _____.”

16. “I’m spending this summer working on Bernie Sanders’ _____.”

17. “There are just no more men with _____ in college anymore.”

18. “This class goes on forever, I just need an _____.”

19. “I made the _____ on my paper like six lines long.”

22. “Dude, that is so _____.”

Letty Dornfield/Athenian

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sports All sports to be replaced with e-sports Alana Whersh Staff Reporter Apparently some Case Western Reserve University students are still practicing the ancient art of moving around at medium to high speeds with archaic goals such as teamwork or “scoring goals.” I know, I know. I was surprised too.

But not all sports are disappearing.

Instead, CWRU is finally making the move that many higher education institutions across the country have made and is switching to an e-sport only division (Division IV).

In response to this not-so-drastic decision one bleary-eyed senior said, “Didn’t they do that years ago?” The administration thinks this change will encourage more of the student population to participate in sports.

Rather eloquently, one of the board members that approved the change said, “we just need something the students can ... well physically do and we need to have physical education requirements to remain accredited; luckily the definition of sports by the accreditation board was broad enough to allow this move.”

In another convenient accident for the school, the teams were already self-organized groups of highly motivated students with Leauge of Legends avatars. This move was so lateral

the administration was happy to find out all leagues were already created and had active members going on long battles on a regular basis.

Some of the new sports teams that will finally be sporting CWRU Varsity gear and t-shirts include Mario Super Smash Bros. Brawl, Pac-Man, EA Soccer, EA Football, Tetris, 2048, League of Legends, World of Warcraft and Mario Kart.

The administration wasn’t alone in this decision to help make the logistics work out many student groups including UPB, SEC, REF, UDG, and SES elicited student feedback on the proposed changes and voted to name the teams. Unfortunately, naming the teams never came to a unanimous decision so higher-ups went with the simple Team 1, Team 2, etc. system simply to avoid another nine hour meeting in which voting ended in another tie.

However, UPB and other student orgs are looking for student input on how the changes are going and if you have any proposed suggestions or would like another e-sport to be supported by the school please send comments to the president at, abc123@ case.edu.

I for one am very excited to finally get a varsity t-shirt for showing off my mad Tetris skills.

Jared Clark/Athenian

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