Editorial How do we get all the idiots?
Renowned Pedophile comes to Case.
World's funniest groin injuries.
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Issue 27
pril 1, 2006 The Fake Student Newspaper of Case Western Reserve University
Krauss Calls for Vote of No Confidence in God
Observer Cancelled; Obvious Not So Hard to Deal With CHASE SICKY Staff"Reporter"
··Lawrence Krauss·gives God tlie'pirik slipfangelsrefuse to comment
STEVEN TECEDY .. Staff "Reporter" Professor Lawrence Krauss, former figurehead of the Case Western Reserve University Physics Department, has called for a vote of no confidence in the Lord Almighty. "There needs to be a change in direction," Krauss explained in a statement, "because I believe His lack of communication is inappropriate for a.leader." God has come under attack for telling humanity to "have faith" in His actions instead of explaining His planned policie's and for not allowing input from His followers in His decisions. Furthermore, God has come under fire in the past two millennia in particular for threatening nonbelievers with scare tactics such as eternal damnation. The move has already been met by sharp criticism by some theologians. "Sure, God is a little on the secretive side, but He does some great things from those who follow Him," said Eszti Medsource from Very Important University, citing eternal salvation and protection from harm as a few of the incentives. Several others were quick to point out God's command to "go forth and multiply" as another prime leadership move, as it encourages greater numbers in the ranks of the human populace. Krauss, however, remained unmoved. "Although I am sure God had good intentions in the beginning, His leadership has undeniably faltered in recent years and His choice of assistants has been questionable," he explained from his office. "Also, many of
:the decisions throughout His time in power have been dubious at best, such as creating the 1980s. And I won't even begin to wonder what He was thinking when He decided English units would be a good idea... " Krauss was then interrupted by several thunderclaps, an earthquake, and a plague of locusts that began to rain down in his office. He could not be reached for further comment. The vote, which will take place in the next few weeks, will require a majority of the populace to choose "no confidence" in order to pass. It is uncertain how many eligible voters will show up, however, because of questions regarding the legal aspects .of the vote. "I'm pretty sure when we agreed to that Covenant thing we wrote ourselves into a comer," explained Ms. Faith B. Leaver, referring to a written document promising exclusive worship .of God in exchange for protection. "By promising the Lord that he would be before all others, many people are essentially blackmailed into a position where participation in such a vote would be very conflicted." Further disapproval was heard from the Misdiscovery Institute, a conservative think-tank that promotes Intelligent Falling (the belief that· the Theory· of Gravity is flawed and instead things are pushed downward by an intelligent force). "Frankly, I'm wondering about that Star Trek guy's credibility in proposing this," one spokesman told us. "He has shown the Institute time and time again that he cannot come to grips with how gravity is a theory in crisis because physicists cannot
explain how it works. And would you trust the motives of a man who is so close-minded and unfair that he does not want students to make informed decisions?" Despite several pilgrimages to Mount Sinai, the Lord could not be reached for comment. Confi-
dential sources say He is not too worried about the outcome of the vote, however, because of its nonbinding nature even if the measure comes to pass. Only the Board of Deities presiding over the multiverse would have the ability to rescind Him of His position.
Established in 2000 • athenian@case.edu
It is with great sadness and heaviness of heart that this journalist reports that after a long, successful career, The Observer will be no more. Case Western Reserve University, a school with a penchant for technology and innovation, has decided that the student newspaper is simply irrelevant now. The news came shortly after the College of Arts and Sciences released its vote of "no confidence" in President Hundert. According to one source who asked to remain nameless, The Observer "might have been important in breaking the news back during the Pony Express. Now, once a week simply isn't goqd e11ough.''. . ••• ·~ . ·noubHtfor The Observer 5e:: gan when Case introduced Case Daily, a revolutionary spambot that began to distribute ."news" articles relevant to campus life on a daily basis, as the name implies. The reaction to the email was immediate: students were disgusted.· The days of ignoring any and all news in order to play World of Warcraft were quickly over. The age of innocence had passed. Students were outraged. "Why do I care about a janitor being added to the chemistry department?" remarked one biomedical engineering major on his way to physics lab. However, the Board ofTrustees wholeheartedly approved of their attempts to connect to the current generation. One such member spoke to me, though he must have been trying to remain anonymous with his baseball cap and sunglasses. "Peeps are LMAOing at Case Daily!" he declared. "It's da $#!+. We're 133t." Unfortunately, this leaves The Observer pwned. The Trustees . voted unanimously to can the newspaper after years of dedication to the whole, sugarcoated news with a fun page that put The Athenian, its only journalistic competition, to absolute shame. The staff received no notification of The Observer's demise. Instead, editors reported to their headquarters one night to find that their keys ·could not unlock the office door..· This had happened many times before as Case's staff is infamous for changing the locks of the wrong door, but this time there ~as a notice: "Observ-
see CANCELLED, page2