Issue 95

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Editor’s Note The end came, not with a bang, but with a buzz. In The Athenian office, we were happily engaged in our usual activities. JP was carefully embroidering matching scarfs for the staff while Ashley was hacking The Observer’s computer to add typos. The rest of the staff encircled Letty and Mahima’s intense duel, shouting helpful suggestions like “Fight!”

Just then Anastazia, The Athenian’s managing editor, burst into the room, startling Letty into letting her tweezers slip. The patient’s nose lit up and a buzz rang out, eliciting a groan from the crowd, just as Anastazia started speaking.

“Everyone, this is an emergency! Someone suggest a funny article topic.”

“How about local student fights dorm-fire with fire,” offered Kushagra after a moment’s thought. We chuckled together.

“Yeah, or grapes, do we need them?” quipped JP. The laughter stopped. Someone softly wept.

“OK, now look at our latest magazine!” Anastazia commanded with all the enthusiasm of a young Barbara Snyder.

Unnerved by her intensity, we grabbed copies of the freshly printed “No. 2 Issue,” sponsored

by Ticonderoga. It was truly a masterpiece of humorous publications, full of content such as: “The best sharpeners on campus, ranked!” and “Erasable pens: has

science gone too far? (Yes.)” It was riotous stuff, and we were all soon rolling on the carpet in mirth.

Once the laughter had died out, Anastazia continued. “Now, think of something funny again,” she exclaimed.

“Area man thinks outside the box inside of Thinkbox,” suggested Erin. Ashley, who hadn’t moved from her task at the computer, chuckled at that, but everyone else was silent.

“How about NASA names new rocket the not-so-Challenging to avoid disaster,” JP offered.

Everyone but Ashley burst out in laughter, but this was no happy glee. This was a pained, forced comedy, the kind of insane farce that drives the innocent insane and cures the mad. We rolled and rolled on the floor, chortling.

As the pained merriment finally died down, David managed to gasp out, “What happened?”

“I’m not sure” said Anastazia, “but it seems to have happened to everyone who’s read our latest issue.”

“Oh no! This is apocalyptic!” I shouted.

“Oh good, I was worrying about how to get there,” I mumbled to myself.

“What?” asked Letty.

“Nothing, nothing. Anyway, how can we fix this? Our carpet can’t withstand much more.”

“Well, it’s clear what the prob-

lem is,” Erin pointed out. “Our last issue was so funny that those people can no longer process humor. What should be funny isn’t and, even more incredibly, what JP says is. But, I’m not sure what we can do about it.”

“I have an idea so crazy it seems unlikely to work,” announced Mahima. “What if we come up with a joke so funny that it flips our sense of humor again, bringing us back to normal.”

“Let’s do it,” I commanded.

“Start thinking everyone! We’ll stay here until the job is done.”

Thus, three days later, a weary Paul and Mahima ventured far and wide across the campus to spread the cure among students by shouting “That’s what she said” as loudly as possible. In order to take our issue out of circulation, we initiated a consumer recall, claiming that the original magazine was a safety hazard, being far too slippery.

The day thus saved, we replaced that magazine with the very publication you hold in your hands right now. To indulge our imaginations with the horrifying, humorless future we almost suffered, I now present to you the apocalyptic issue. No need to worry about your safety, however, we’ve taken measures. I’d now like to welcome our new Editor-in-Chief, JP, who will ensure that we’ll never be too funny again.

Tejas Joshi Editor-in-Chief 2

State your Case I f you could, wh a t wo u l d you ch a n ge a b out C WRU? Jonathan Schaeffer, English

“I’d like to be taller”

Greg Melvin, BME

“No BME Department”

Barbara Snyder, President

“SAGES”

New study suggests universe, your mom will expand forever David Pendergast LOS ANGELES, CA— During a Friday press conference, UCLA researchers revealed new data that lends support to the long-unconfirmed theory that the ultimate fate of the universe is to expand indefinitely. The research suggests that, just like your mom, our universe will continue to balloon in size with no end in sight, eventually becoming cold, dark and lifeless.

Cosmologists have long sought the answer to the age-old question of how the universe will end, with several competing theories rising to prominence in the early 20th century. One of the most prominent, the so-called Big Crunch theory, predicts that the universe will eventually stop expanding and begin to reverse course, eventually collapsing into itself like any chair your mom sits on.

Not unlike your mother’s thighs, the universe has a tremendous amount of

mass, both visible and hidden, which some scientists theorize is great enough to cause a reversal of the Big Bang. If the Big Crunch theory is correct, then the universe will either collapse into an enormous black hole singularity at its center or initiate another Big Bang, which would suggest that our universe is periodic and unending, like your mother’s fat rolls.

The opposing theory to the Big Crunch is the idea that universe will behave like your mother, taking up more and more space as it stretches outward forever. The data presented on Friday was obtained by performing a novel analysis of the Cosmic Microwave Background Radiation (CMBR), the only microwave large enough to handle all of your mother’s food. The analysis revealed that there could be up to 20 percent less dark matter in the universe than was

previously thought, which would mean that there isn’t enough gravitational force to pull everything back in. Like your mom attempting to suck in her stomach, compression would be impossible.

Just like your mom’s belly button, dark matter is extremely hard to detect. It emits no light, heat or radiation of any kind. Visible matter–the stuff that makes up large cosmic objects like stars, planets and your mom–only accounts for about 15 percent of the universe’s mass. The remaining 85 percent is invisible to us, except for its gravitational effects on galaxies, solar systems and your mom’s rib balloons.

It’s for this reason that Friday’s discovery was especially important.

Revealing the secrets of dark matter may help scientists and your mom understand the true meaning of expansion.

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Reasons for the Greek Life membership decline You like to take photos without squatting It’s too much fun You can get more relevant interview practice at the Career Center Living in a house with over 25 people of the same gender identity no longer seems appealing Knowledge of the Greek alphabet has declined (there’s too many symbols in math to remember already) Students may already have too many extended relatives The lack of high-heeled shoes at the Case Western Reserve University bookstore limits possibilities to meet the dress code We’re already Spartans, are we not? And most prefer the Romans anyway.

– Jess Chalas

Lesser known Iran deals Iran oil sanctions lifted. U.S. and Sun energy relations are tense.

IND finalized in riveting game of rock–paper–scissors.

U.S. won best of three.

Iranian visas only awarded to Ivanka Trump Instagram followers.

Iranian bakeries resolve to switch to white cake following “yellow cake” ban.

– Torres

New CWRU majors English for medical professionals Medicine for english professionals Cosmetology for cosmologists Entomology for etymologists Anthropology for solipsists Accounting for the worst Computer science

– Tejas Joshi

Things the apocalypse could not stop Twitter trolls, who will continue to point out your hypocrisy even as you face death Girl Scout Cookie sales, which actually increased during the apocalypse Beliebers, who will love Justin, even on his deathbed Telemarketers, who provide a sense of normalcy Edgy teenagers, who remain in denial that the apocalypse is a negative thing The drug cartels, because nothing else has stopped them Communism, because Communists are immune to the effects of the apocalypse Climate change, which hastens the spread of disease due to higher temperatures Social anxiety, which will never cease to make people panic about public speaking Dog lovers, because the power of man’s best friend will get him through – Erin Hartmann

Community man finds printing, shipping services at Kenko severely inadequate Karol Kalinski

A University Circle resident has filed a complaint to Kenko management, claiming to be “incredibly dissatisfied with the service offered.”

The customer, who has chosen to remain anonymous, visited the establishment last week with an urgent printing job.

“I came in, really needing to print some flyers and brochures for a conference I was organizing. I asked several employees for help, but they were too busy noodling around.”

Even worse, the customer claimed, was the lack of any proper printing or shipping equipment. The only items that could be compared to printer paper were the innumerable 4

sheets of seaweed, and the only packaging available seemed to be exclusively intended for food products.

The customer and many other residents of the area were mistakenly under the assumption that the establishment had a partnership with FedEx. Where this urban myth originated is unknown.

In the aftermath of this public relations incident, Kenko has worked diligently to regain the trust of its customers. In the coming months, Kenko will be rolling out a new program that will feature complimentary printing jobs paired with the appropriate sushi roll. The aforemen-

tioned customer has also been compensated.

“I was in a really tight spot without any of the flyers I needed, but the establishment and I were able to reach an agreement a few days later,” said the customer. “Catering for my event was a very nice addition, and they were able to add the conference program to the labels on their bubble tea.”

Similar problems have been occurring in cyberspace, with a recent lawsuit directed at the website crunchyroll.com, which has been unable to produce any sushi for its customers, while for some reason providing an “anime streaming service” instead.

Tweet reveals nuclear codes Paul Palumbo

It’s no secret that President Donald Trump likes a good tweet. Whether it’s reassuring the people, deriding his opponents or even giving his opinion on if Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart should get back together (he sent 12 about that last one). However, it’s recently come to light that Trump has been using Twitter for his private conversations as well. These include such things as the nuclear codes that could unleash a searing hellfire upon the world.

How do we know this? Because instead of sending a private message, Trump accidentally tweeted the nuclear codes to his 21 million followers. Any human being in the world can right now sign up for a Twitter account, go to his page and see a series of characters that could have ended existence as we know it.

As if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, the code itself was “HilDrool$45.” Trump’s Twitter following didn’t exactly know what this tweet meant and speculation became rampant. One user, FArtLoRD69, suggested it was the password to Trump’s Twitter account and tried to hack into it. He is currently awaiting execution in the now fully operational Guantanamo Bay. Trump’s own wife, Melania Trump, mistook it for the White House’s Wi-Fi password and spent the better part of the afternoon trying to log on.

It wasn’t until Trump himself posted on the matter that the truth came to light. In his own words, “Very funny. Accidentally tweeted nuclear codes to Twitter instead of Secretary of Defense. What a hoot! Hilary one step closer to being president after all.” Trump then announced he would change the codes and that the people of the United States were safe.

At least they thought. Before Trump could change the password, a crafty Twitter user named Donald J. Dump announced that he beat Trump to the punch, changing the password before the president even had a chance. Dump was now in complete control of the nation’s nuclear arsenal.

What followed was an epic transaction, as Trump and Dump negotiated for the nukes to return to the president’s care. Trump’s ability to make huge deals astounded all observers, and before long a massive victory was seized. Not only would Dump return the nukes, but would personally go to the White House every single day and give the president a foot massage.

In return, Dump received a gift card to Best Buy and a night’s stay at one of Trump’s most mediocre hotels. With this event behind him, the president assured the public, through his Press Secretary Sean Spicer, that “None of that happened.”

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The Apocalypse Barnabas Brennan

Before

After

Peter B. Lewis building Inside the GOP’s repeal and replace tactics Steve Kerby After Obamacare started bestowing life saving insurance coverage on millions of Americans, the Republican Party swore to repeal and replace it, claiming that it would cost too much, interfere with the free market and save the lives of too many Americans who wouldn’t vote Republican. Though the GOP remained in control of both houses of Congress for much of Obama’s term, their dream of repeal and replace never came to fruition. Now that GOP majorities have taken control of the House, Senate and the Presidency, the GOP at last has a chance to enact their long-awaited revenge. To repeal and replace, however, is much grander in scale than its creators could have imagined; with a huge president comes huge ideas.

To understand the current plan of repeal and replace, the origins of the moniker itself need to be unfolded.

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After the originally derisive term “Obamacare” (invented in 2010 by conservatives in search of a catchy way to make fun of Obama’s famous mantra) was stolen by proponents of the law in 2011, public relations efforts including “Obama-scare” and “O-blah-macare” failed miserably. A new tack was needed, especially as millions of poor white uneducated voters (key to what a 2013 GOP leak termed “Orange Blitzkrieg”) gained coverage. Obviously the GOP could not rob these voters of their coverage without dangling some carrots to distract them, so “repeal and replace” was born. Efforts to find a third R-word such as “revenge” or “regret” limited the catchy slogan to two words. Senator Mitch McConnell commented that “Kids these days love alliteration, yo,” in response to questions on the effectiveness of the mantra.

Other things the Islamic State has taken credit for this year

Kim Kardashian’s Paris robbery Flint, Michigan’s water disaster Drought in California The demise of Vine Taylor Swift vs. Kanye West feud Chipotle’s E. coli outbreak Elevated gas prices Samsung Galaxy Note 7 Brexit Cleveland Browns winning a game

How to meet local singles

– Erin Hartmann

CWRU puns When I can’t print, I WEPA. I Tink I sometimes get Vealey confused.

Wade, are Euclid’ing me Fribelieving in extra credit?

Everyone was under the weather through Sicksacker corridor.

He Sears-iously wanted me to study in the computer lab, but I ig-Nord him.

It’s “Thwing-kle Thwing-kle little star” not “I took a Thwing at a Thwing pun.”

– Charles Li

Now that the plan to repeal and replace is finally a possibility, GOP leadership is looking to extend that strategy to other hot issues. Besides the original repeal and replace plan meant for Obamacare, a leaked document lays out plans for disassembling other Obama-era developments, including “2 Repeal 2 Replace: Gay Rights,” “The Repeal and the Replace: Paris Agreement” and “Repeal 4: Osama’s Return.” The most stunning plan, though, was pieced together from clues in several documents and hinted at a project of truly staggering scale. After chasing a trail of breadcrumbs and $100 bills down into the bowels of the Capitol Building, the master plan of the modern GOP was revealed.

It appears that the new administration’s efforts to promote alternate facts were not simply helpless improv comedy, but instead part of a concerted plan to repeal and replace history. Recently introduced legislation would recall the entirety of history textbooks and re-write them to paint the modern GOP in better light. Planned storyline include moving the end of the

Sabotage your means of transportation mid-journey Volunteer at the University Farm Make use of pick-up lines (You bring the bubble, I bring the tea) [This is drastic, but] turn on airplane mode The classic: Tinder (resist swiping left) Get arrested Get a teacup pig Take out an ad in the newspaper (The Athenian has an opening) Protest Go to a Case Western Reserve University sporting event (be brave and choose something other than football) Join a religious organization and participate in praying for strangers Join a cult – Jess Chalas Join a gang

Civil War to 2008, having Abraham Lincoln appoint Donald Trump as his successor with his dying breaths.

This “plausible” story, writes the document, is intended to introduce another period of Reconstruction, harkening back to the days when the Republican Party held almost complete control of Congress for decades and black and brown people couldn’t vote. The 19th amendment on suffrage is also in the crosshairs, to be replaced with a new amendment requiring four-day workweeks for women with one day reserved for housework.

Democrats’ measures to protect Obamacare, history and other targets of “repeal and replace” measures were tied up in committee. Currently, the majority of historians around the country have signed on to a “March to Save History,” planned for early May. Expected attendance may reach thousands, even hundreds of concerned academics. Until then, constant vigilance is needed to find any more leaks and pre-emptively stop dangerous overreach by the new GOP administration.

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Groundhog comes out Leticia Dornfeld

Groundhog Day, for most people, is nothing more than a Google Doodle. But for the tiny town of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, Groundhog Day is the only day of the year when its residents receive national attention.

Each year, the town shines the spotlight on its mascot, a groundhog named Punxsutawney Phil Sowerby. Phil lives with his wife, Phyllis, and their daughter, Phelicia, near the city where a group of men, called the Inner Circle, take good care of them.

Despite this close relationship, the Inner Circle knew nothing about the confusion Phil had experienced over the last few years.

On Feb. 2, the town of Punxsutawney woke up at the crack of dawn and started their yearly festivities. Just as the Inner Circle took out Phil to predict the weather for the next few weeks, Phil took the microphone and said, in his loudest and clearest voice, “I like men.”

The reporters stared at the groundhog in shock that quickly transformed into a flurry of questions, as they demanded that the Inner Circle reveal how they obtained a groundhog that could speak like a human.

One member responded, “We

had no idea he could talk. We’ve been feeding and grooming him for years, and he never said a thing. I guess now we’ll have to replace his wife.”

Phil retorted, “Wait, why would you do that?”

The head of the Inner Circle argued, “You said you liked men.”

“Why does that make you think I don’t love my wife?” the groundhog responded. “I like men and women. I love my wife very

“I guess now we’ll have to replace his wife.”

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much.”

“Does she know?” the head asked.

“Of course she does. We’re married,” the groundhog stated.

Phil then hopped off the podium and returned to his burrow, leaving the Inner Circle to answer further questions about his ability to speak.

Since then, the Inner Circle has been the target of several national news networks, newspapers, scientific organizations, animal rights groups and the government for keeping a talking animal. The Inner Circle has made no statement as to whether it knew this groundhog, or others, could speak.

Atlas drops the world, shrugs it off Paul Palumbo

It’s well known that, despite all logic and physics pointing to the contrary, the world is held in place by a giant bodybuilder with minimal clothing and an equally minimal social life. The Titan, known as Atlas, has ensured the safety of our planet for thousands of years. His sheer determination and force of will has kept our planet secure.

That is, until yesterday, when he accidentally dropped it.

The massive earthquake reported yesterday was, in fact, the result of Atlas losing his balance after an unavoidable sneeze. The weight of the world proved too much upon this sudden force, and he dropped

Earth right on its Australia. The Earth was immediately placed back on his broad shoulders, but by then the damage had already been done.

Thousands were dead, billions in damages occurred and the Richter scale is now entirely obsolete.

When asked about this colossal tragedy, the son of Aether and Gaia responded in his booming voice.

“So I messed up, okay?” he said.

“Do you have any idea how heavy the entire planet is? I see you people struggle to carry grocery bags. Get off my back. Well actually don’t do that. You’ll fall into the abyss.”

When asked if this kind of

event could occur again, the Titan shrugged his mighty shoulders in uncertainty. This, of course, caused the second earthquake earlier today.

While having an unreliable guardian is not a comfortable feeling, there’s little the people of Earth can do besides respond to the recent calamities. The President of New Flatland, formerly Australia, has reassured his people that the chances of it happening to them twice are very low. The scientific community, meanwhile, is desperately trying to find a way to predict and measure a new phenomenon they have dubbed “Divine Incompetence.”

Apocalypse happens, Case Bubble shelters students Oksinav Aizatasana The Case Bubble is well known for its ability to keep Case Western Reserve University students from knowing that Cleveland consists of more than Uptown, Little Italy and hospitals. Lesser known is its ability to hide current events from the students it encloses.

As a result, when the apocalypse occurred, it went unnoticed by CWRU students. Even though the Yellowstone Caldera has erupted and clouds of ash have since settled over Cleveland, many students continue to believe that the city is experiencing just another string of gray and cloudy winter days. Growing piles of ash were attributed to lake effect.

There were many signs of the impending apocalyptic super-eruption, but, again, these went unnoticed

by CWRU students. Security alerts increased, students were walking around without winter coats in January, both the Greek Week and Athenian themes were announced as “Brunch” and, most alarmingly, Cleveland transit ran on time. While the rest of the city’s residents recognized this unprecedented convenience as a sign of fast-approaching calamity, CWRU students were thrilled that they finally could count on the Healthline to transport them from Constantino’s bus stop to the Thwing Center bus stop when they felt too lazy to walk.

Cleveland transit has continued to run on time despite the increasing amounts of volcanic ash.

Fourth-year student Alexis Jameson said of this unnerving effect of the apocalypse, “Senior year and I

can finally say I’ve used my RTA pass.”

The university, in an effort to keep everything as normal as possible for any student that may have heard inklings about Yellowstone’s eruption, sent out a university-wide email assuring students that they are continuing to investigate the “strange occurrences we’ve noticed outside the Bubble.”

The email promised students that the university would look into the implications of a “possible apocalypse” on the CWRU campus, while also advising that no one travel outside the Bubble. In the meantime, there is now a webpage, case. edu/stay-in-the-bubble, which “the university will update regularly with campus and national news relating to the so-called apocalypse.”

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Space flight biographies Caroline Berry Every year, thousands of people apply for a free spaceship ride across the galaxy. Finalists for the competition were announced last night. Each were asked to submit a brief biography and one sentence of advice to humankind: Sam Hartman I’m Sam. Sam comes from the Latin word Sam (which in Greek is pronounced sAm), but I am better known by my nickname, Sam. I grew up in Upstate New York but went to Carroll College in Helena, Montana. I think I was trying to be open-minded. I majored in American Studies and Dance Literature, where I remember learning that there is less dance literature than you would think.

After college I worked as a bank teller, telemarketer and bank marketer. I got divorced, married, engaged and divorced, in that order.

At least half of those were clerical errors.

I’d like to go on this space trip because I think I could benefit from seeing the world, literally.

I suppose my advice to humanity would be to not be afraid to take risks. If I hadn’t taken the risk of moving out to Helena, my life may have been totally boring.

a good public school district.

My advice is to never judge a book by its cover. If I had judged Igor just because I saw him run a drug deal, I would have never found love.

Linda Thompson Hi people of the world, my name is Linda. I first applied for this spaceship gig because I wanted to spread the word of the Lord Jesus Christ across the universe.

Unfortunately I can’t bring my Bible because the rules say we are not allowed to ride if we bring personal belongings or have a preexisting heart condition. Humanity will have to be saved at a later date.

I grew up in Tennessee, but moved to Georgia for college, where I met my Russian boyfriend of 12 years and learned how to speak Armenian. I never got to finish college because the city was taken over by Turkish forces during my junior year. Igor and I came back to the United States where we found a home, found God and found

Kurt Jones Hello everyone, my name is Kurt and I’m from Washington D.C. I’m 58 years old and have a preexisting heart condition, and I think they may have had an intern doing background checks.

I enjoy singing for fun and for money, but never at the same time. It’s just not the same as singing with your heart truly in it. In my downtime, I enjoy Coke and coke, but never at the same time. But that’s probably how I got my heart condition.

If I had to give one piece of advice, I’d say if you want a chocolate chip cookie, just put it on the corner of your laptop, and if you wait long enough, you’ll have a hot gooey cookie.

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Four horsemen refuse to ask for directions, apocalypse delayed Sabanrab Bocaj WASHINGTON, D.C.— On Inauguration Day, four very special guests were in attendance. You might think it was the current and former presidents and first ladies, but you would be wrong.

In actuality, the four horsemen of the apocalypse are always in attendance during America’s most noble rite that represents the peaceful transfer of power from one administration to the next.

They are always present in order to get acquainted with their newest associate in bringing about the downfall of society, both nationally and globally. In January, the four caballeros of calamity acquired seats even closer to the front than past years.

This year, the most noble guests arrived mid-ceremony, shuffling past politicians and celebrities to get to their seats. Several White House aides overheard their chitter-chatter during the swearing-in, claiming an alleged argument had broken out between the four.

Their lateness, and therefore a most certain delay in the forthcoming apocalypse, according to the two horsewomen of the doomful band, was due to the stubbornness of their male counterparts. The group had become lost on their way to the ceremony, caused by a number of reasons that all traced back to the horseman in charge of the map. Anticipating a lack of suitable stables anywhere on Capitol Hill, the group agreed to leave their fallow steeds tied off and take the metro into town. However, having boarded the wrong line several times and failing to notice when their stop had passed, the navigator of the group also refused to stop and ask for directions.

The leader of the pestilent posse continued to insist that he “had been there plenty of times before” and would “figure it out eventually,” if given enough time. His female counterparts rolled their sunken eyes for probably the 100th time.

As a result of these miscalculations, the horsemen accidentally brought devastation upon a large number of attendees on their way to the inauguration. It is believed now that this was a key reason for the smaller crowd than past years. The four became even more confused leaving their hotel the following day, getting caught in the Women’s March, though the horsewomen certainly appreciated it.

Since that time, some have reported seeing the horsemen wandering the streets attempting to find a reasonably-priced coffee shop, quarreling about stopping to ask a police officer.

“Filthy mortals probably don’t even drink their coffee ultra-shadow-starvation-plague-black,” the lead wraith rider was heard saying. “You can’t trust people like that. The 2012 apocalypse will be another five years late before I ask where I’m going.”

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CWRU announces tuition breaks for wealthy students Harald “Blåtand” Gormsson CLEVELAND, OH—In an unprecedented move, Case Western Reserve University has begun a new program to provide tuition breaks for wealthy students. Following the school’s change to need-aware admissions, this new program was strongly advocated for by Undergraduate Student Government (USG) Vice President of Finance Tommy Pierre. Pierre insisted that this program would increase access to a CWRU education for wealthy students, whose presence on campus can be seen only as an asset.

He explained that money would trickle down, as wealthy students who pay less in tuition often donate more to causes on campus and spend more at local businesses.

Some critics have decried this policy, citing its failures during its first implementation in 1982 during the

Pytte administration. The endowment then fell from $1.5 billion to $335 million. Professor John Maynard of the Economics Department has suggested that the universities’ focus on local businesses stems from its own investments in the University Circle area. Notably, the university had purchased controlling shares of Piñatas, Teahouse Noodles, Banyan Tree, Crop Kitchen, Anne van H. and Wrapz Pita Bar. Still, proponents of the policy point to their recent acquisition of a waffle bar as evidence of the future profitability of their plan.

As the university collects less tuition from each student, they have been forced to increase admissions numbers to make up the gap. The most noticeable result of this increase in the student population is the new program housing students in academ-

ic buildings after-hours. The Mathematics Department volunteered to surrender their building so that Yost Hall would return to its former role as a student dorm. When asked about the move, Department Head Enrico Monti simply stated, “Students already sleep through class here, so why not save them the walk?”

Other lesser-known changes that occurred, mostly unexpectedly, was the forced shuttering of several student organizations, including the University Diversity Collaborative and the USG Ethics committee.

As the university continues to change in order to grapple with these new tuition breaks, The Athenian will continue to report on them. At press time, administrators had vowed to reassess the policy in four years, after USG elections.

Linguistics professors reach shocking consensus on pronunciation of CWRU Karol Kalinski

In this week’s edition of The Daily, Professor Trey Kia of the Case Western Reserve University Cognitive Linguistics department issued a public announcement on the pronunciation of the letters used to abbreviate the university’s name.

“After many months of research, we can now conclusively say that CWRU cannot, in fact, be pronounced ‘crew,’” Kia said. “We’ve been wondering for a long time about this issue in particular. There’s always been something wrong with it in our eyes, but we’ve never quite gotten around to reaching a sound, scientific conclusion on the matter until now.”

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What may seem like a matter of personal preference and individual verbal nuance has now been proven with the principles of oral science.

“The fact of the matter is that all the little phonemes and morphemes and things just don’t really work out,” Kia said. “When a subject says ‘CWRU’ in this incorrect way, the lip and tongue bits don’t move in a way that corresponds to the spelling. We’ve seen this kind of linguistic error before, and we’ve started calling it ‘acronymbatics.’ It’s this thing where the speaker tries make something into an acronym when it’s really just an initial-

ism. We think that Barbara Snyder really just kind of tried to force this one.”

The university will, in the coming months, begin a revision of its event-naming scheme, replacing names like “CWRUchella” with new, linguistically sound names. Current community suggestions include, “something less dumb” and “literally anything else please.”

The study appears to be creating ripples around the globe, as broadcast agencies like BBC and ESPN will be undergoing brand revisions in an effort to fix their names, which have to date been pronounced “bubuk” and “espin” respectively.

Signs of the

Apocalypse Tejas Joshi

Be warned. If you see any of these, you know the apocalypse is nigh!

This sign can only mean one thing: the apocalypse is coming!

While technically this could mean a few different things, the apocalypse definitely fits the bill.

Yup, it’s official. The apocalypse has arrived.

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Airbnb capitalizes on climate change Daniel Kessler It turns out that some people actually believed the egghead scientists that used to spout off about climate change and other mystic nonsense. While the classic spring break locales such as Mexico, Florida and Puerto Rico no longer support any form of life, entrepreneurs have capitalized on the increasingly tropical climates of what were once dead and barren wastelands.

Brian Chesky, the psychic CEO of Airbnb, has taken advantage of the emergence of new vacation spots.

Many criticized Chesky’s decision to add homes in remote locations—such as the peak of Mount Everest and deep into Siberia—to the Airbnb network.

Chesky was branded a lunatic when he no longer allowed locations 500 feet or nearer to sea level. Now, while his critics drown in their once beachside homes, Chesky drowns in 100 dollar bills.

For example, Chesky foresaw the miraculous improvement in Cleveland. Once only habitable by the most hardened of Eskimos, Cleveland now boasts a tropical climate rivaling pre-apocalypse Hawaii. This previously inhospitable city is now home palm trees, expansive white sand beaches and majestic volcanic activity. Now Airbnb touts Cleveland as the go-to spring break vacation spot in the post-apocalypse U.S. For those looking for more exotic international travel, look no further than Mount Everest. Thanks to a fortunate case of the sea level rising, Airbnb offers cruises to Mount Everest. Furthermore, they even offer cozy housing options at sea-level. These mountainside villas have all the amenities you may need. Fully furnished with much needed air conditioning and pools, these houses have the perfect location—along the shore for the traditional ocean getaway, yet only a brisk 10 minute hike to the peak, leaving enough time to update a snap story and get back in time for breakfast.

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With regard to the future, Airbnb has an aggressive and risky business model. The Airbnb psychics on retainer claim the planet Earth will no longer support terrestrial life in 20 years. While other companies lament their ignorance, Airbnb has other plans.

They realize revenue from other humans will dwindle, so instead they will begin marketing towards extraterrestrial life.

Their deep space radio boasts the new climate of earth with the hope of enticing alien species to visit for vacations. Additionally, Airbnb has partnered with SpaceX to create residential plots on more inviting celestial bodies, including Mars, Venus, the Moon and Ceres. Given the state of the Earth, terrestrial vacations will be as obsolete as print newspapers.

Airbnb’s progressive market plan has paid off; people have booked a record number of vacations through Airbnb in the wake of climate change. For those investing for the future, invest in Airbnb: the last bastion of human vacation.

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