Bringing you laughs from around the world
Proud member of the Case Media Board since Hundert.
With Contributions by: “I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” - Jimmy Dean EMAIL: email@example.com
Alex Aloi Carissa Conine Hallie Dolin Rya Lally
The Goons In Charge:
Advisor: Dr. Bradley Ricca
Patrick Melvin Annie Nickoloff
Editor-In-Chief: Melanie Sayre
Managing Editor: Carissa Conine
Business Manager: Evan Martin Head of Design: Melanie Sayre Senior Editor: Hallie Dolin Distrubution Manager: Patrick Melvin Graphics Editor: Rya Lally 2
If you want more, you’ll easily find us online! Facebook: The Athenian Twitter: @CWRUAthenian Website: http://filer.case.edu/org/athenian/
[From The Editor] Drawing and writing have been the staples of communication, social constructs if I may, that our society has been centered around since the very beginning of time. Whether words and drawings were etched into stone tablets or put down on a scroll with a quill, they were born of cultural needs and restrictions. However, I’d say that it seems as though all they do sometimes is make communicating harder. Laughter, on the other hand, is as old and wordless as time, transcending different languages, sitting right next to curiosity in the kissing tree. Much like smiling or frowning, it needs no extra lessons to be understood. That begs the question of, “What is humor?” This exact question can be copied and pasted into Google for varying effects. There will be at least one definition to further mystify you and a few more articles from men with PhDs, all of whom very seriously try to puzzle out the difference between humor, mirth and wit (ironically, none will be very funny). Some others will talk about the relationship between laughter and humor, and how one doesn’t require the other (Cracked, we’re lookin’ at you). But the question the people here at The Athenian frequently face is this: do we need to “understand” humor to write humor? The answer, of course, is along the lines of “You’re kidding me, right?” If we did, I (and all of the rest of the staff) would be off solving life’s other mysteries, like the answer to the universe - I understand that there was a certain book out there that said it was 42, but I have yet to prove that answer to myself - or why men named Fred are just so damned creepy. ...Just kidding. I think. Regardless, humor ties us together in mysterious ways and The Athenian is on a quest to find the source. Like King Arthur and his dragons, we unsheathe our pens with grandeur. We dot our i’s and cross our t’s in a flurry of swipes. We bury our unfunny jokes in
Melanie Sayre - Editor-in-Chief
eraser shavings. But even when the end seems near, we trudge on in the darkness, darting our heads into the most perilous recesses of Kelvin Smith Library and even navigating our way through PBL’s lack of right angles. We are determined, we are fierce, and, thanks to Five-Hour Energy, we are unstoppable. But I beg of you to join us on this quest. It might be long and it might be perilous, but we will prevail in the end. But the quest takes more than just us – it requires you, and we want you to join in the splendor yesterday, today and tomorrow and for all days to come. That said, welcome back to Case!
Mel Sayre Editor-in-Chief Next brainstorming meeting: Feb. 4th, 6 - 8PM Next production meeting: Feb. 8th, 12:30-2PM **Free Scholar provided. Email firstname.lastname@example.org to order.
The Athenian Guidelines 1) The Athenian is a semi-anonymous publication. While names can be printed, all contributors’ names are printed on page 2, but aren’t necessarily connected to any particular article. 2) The Athenian cannot accept entries from any of the following: Babs, Darth Vader, Fred, the guy next door, the girl next door, or Helen Keller impersonators. 3) The Athenian is released on the first Friday of every month. The deadline for submissions (including articles, Photoshops, and captions) for issue 67 is Tuesday, January 15th.
Congratulations to Nick Pilla for winning best submission of Issue 65! EDITOR’S NOTE & GUIDELINES
Travel Places To See (Enough of to Leave) Before You Die
as reported by: Anthony Hopkins purchases are advised to stay away after three in the
1. Mayfair Mall, Milwaukee, WI Bustling Mayfair Mall hosts a number of great stores for lingerie shopping, particularly when you’re hitting up those post-Christmas sales for a special New Year’s. (Pretend you don’t go to Case when you read that sentence, for reasons we shouldn’t have to explain.) It’s also home to the typical Hollister store with attractive teenage workers standing out front, a tacky shoe store pretending it’s all about charity and not sales, and the usual sketchy massage/cell-phone cover/gooey cookie kiosks crowding the halls, among multitudes of other shrines to materialism. However, the real tourist draw to Mayfair Mall is the frequency of riots in the food court. Despite a strict curfew involving mall cops requesting the IDs of unaccompanied minors, shoppers unskilled in defending themselves with their own
afternoon, due to how early the sun sets during a typical Wisconsin winter.
2. YMCA Aquatic & Family Center, Orlando, FL Known mainly for its commitment to health, and also as a shelter during the rainy season, the downtown Orlando YMCA is mere blocks away from the world’s largest McDonald’s. (The correlation there seems pretty straightforward, but judging by the obesity rate in America, it’s obvious how many people don’t follow through.) On the surface, this YMCA is standard fare for improving your body and imbibing some wholesome morals from the pictures on the walls. Its pool room leaves something to be desired and if you expect to hear what anyone’s saying you’ll need to be within five feet of them, but overall it doesn’t seem too remarkable. The danger lies in the aforementioned pool room—appearing every so often are herds of professional water-polo players, clad in spandex that just isn’t appropriate for immature college students to see. 3. Flint, MI Travelers are advised to stay away from one of the only cities in the nation with a worse reputation than Cleveland. Currently, officials are looking into using Flint as a waystation for convicted arsonists to learn how their crimes affect the community. 4. Metra Train Station, Waukegan, IL A popular end-of-the-line destination on the Chicago Metra train line, the Waukegan stop is a fine place to hang out when you’re bored and looking for a bundle of fun. While the website will say the indoor station is open all day, just wait: it will be closed! You might be expecting a train to come when the railroad lights start to flash—but that’s only the phantom train coming through. Located on Lake Michigan, conveniently near a boat storage facility, Waukegan’s Metra station will never leave you wanting for excitement.
Top ten places to lose your luggage Every year, the beginning of every spring semester sees weary Case students stumble off their respective planes, perhaps a bit disoriented from the altitude and nauseated from a combination of fake-turkey sandwiches and airline peanuts. Every year, after crossing the long and deserted terminals, they switch their phones from airplane mode and browse Facebook to see if their crush has posted something worth liking. Every year, these Case students wait at the baggage claim for what never appears, and eventually give up in despair. However, not all is lost – here at The Athenian, we were able to find the top ten spots that these students lose their luggage every year, so you too can be kept on your toes and know at what crucial points you need to hold your luggage handle a little more firmly.
1. Chamber of Secrets 2. Detroit 3. Antarctica
4. Narnia 5. Oklahoma 6. A Las Vegas strip club 7. Boy’s locker room 8. Atlantis 9. Mount Everest 10. Your mom’s house.
My experiences in beautiful Yellowstone a column by: the girl next door Life has led me to a somewhat uneventful point. I’m a Computer Science major with a 21-hour course load, so I don’t really get out much. In fact, I had to miss the opening of The Hobbit because I had an exam eight hours after the movie theater opened. But over break, I was presented with the opportunity to spend the last two weeks of vacation traveling around the country. To be exact, a trip to Yellowstone National Park. The first five minutes of the trip started off great. However, my family had failed to inform me we would be driving to Yellowstone, so after two days of Burger King and my mother snoring in the car, I was pretty cheesed off. It was also balls-freezing cold. Of course, I got altitude sick approximately two minutes after we drove through the park entrance, so I spent the remainder of the trip trying (and failing) to prevent my nosebleed. At least the blood kept the bears on my trail and away from my parents. Did I mention the bears? Yes, they’re all over and they’re a lot smarter than most people suspect. In fact, three of them cornered me outside the lodge when my parents were inside getting coffee, and demanded my wallet. Being a weak-in-the-knees Computer Science major, I had no choice but to hand it over, along with a bag of beef jerky and my leg. The bears were kind enough to cauterize the wound before shambling away, their 1930s-era fedoras bobbing on their heads. And then, while my parents and I were walking (and, in my case, hobbling) to see Old Faithful, the famed super-volcano under the Yellowstone caldera erupted. As I emerged from the rubble of the park, I checked the digital watch I found on a disembodied arm and saw that it was December 22, which means that the explosion was just a sign of my rotten luck rather than the apocalypse. The good news is that I got my wallet back when the bear muggers were caught in the volcanic crossfire. The bad news is that they lost my Film Society card. I was one punch away from a free movie too and now I have to wait another semester.
Best photos of Winter Break 2012
Riding the rails to beat the pump
as reported by: The Milk Man oped by Hipster Hobo Labs) tracks local freight trains in
With the rising cost of petroleum, an extravagant winter vacation in an exotic locale may seem like a nigh-unattainable goal. Hell, these days, driving to Great Aunt Irma’s has just as much potential to break the bank as a trip to Hawaii. However, this winter saw an interesting cost-saving trend appear among would-be vacationers across the country: hitching rides on freight trains. It seems that bored employees worldwide, bent on achieving a charming sabbatical in a beautiful locale, have chosen the path of the hobo in order to dodge the price of gas. These intrepid travelers gather at a local train station and hide in the bushes until a freight train rolls in. They then carefully sneak aboard any freight car that seems to fit their two exacting criteria: openness and being empty enough that all can comfortably sit inside. “On a good day, you can find a car full of chocolate bars or something that doesn’t take up a lot of room,” said one anonymous vacationer. “On a bad day, you can get stuffed in between huge boxes of shaving cream or end up lying in the mud with a bunch of pigs. Still, beats being stuck in a traffic jam on I-90.” App developers have been taking advantage of this growing demographic in order to sell a completely new breed of travel app. For example, the app FreightFinder® (devel-
real time and tells the user what each train carries, as well as how much room its freight takes up. The StealthyShrubberies™ app, developed by the mobile division of Totally Illegal Travel, maps out local train stations and allows users to compare bushes to find the best hiding spot. It even offers a review system, which allows vacationers to weigh in on the best bushes. Then there’s the app Freightsquare© by You Are a Freeloader Incorporated, which allows users to check in to specific freight cars and also see where their friends intend to travel. *** We would have liked to add perspectives from some of the train station conductors, but unfortunately they were unavailable for comment, as they were too busy chasing people away from their trains. ***Disclaimer: the descriptions of the apps in this article are based completely upon the descriptions published by their respective developers and do not reflect actual use in any kind of testing environment. We would love to have given you actual test results for how the apps actually work, but apparently, our official app tester spent his entire budget on “miscellaneous expenses” and can’t be bothered to click through the pop-up ads to find the free versions of the apps.
Sports & Pop Culture Upcoming playoffs – Browns vs. puppies as reported by: a Vegas bookie CLEVELAND, OH - Due to concerns over the diminished quality of the Pro Bowl in recent years, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that, in a joint venture with the television station Animal Planet, the NFL will be consolidating Pro Bowl festivities with Animal Planet’s ever popular “Puppy Bowl.” According to NFL officials, the non-playoffs-bound team with the longest divisional title drought, otherwise known as the Cleveland Browns, will square off against a team of pups in a standard game of football on January 27, 2013, in Honolulu, HI. “This collaboration just makes sense,” Goodell said, when asked for his reasons. “I have been a huge fan of the Puppy Bowl since its inauguration, and anything that will drive ratings - short of staging a game on the moon - is fine by me.” He added that “this just opens up the game to a whole new demographic. We’re looking to bring families together. After all, who doesn’t love puppies?” In a somewhat unexpected turn of events, the Browns’ recently-fired general manager Mike Holmgren announced that he will be coaching the puppies’ team, at least in the first game. He had expressed an interest in returning to coaching in his goodbye press conference, but analysts say that his return wasn’t expected to be
so soon. “I really couldn’t pass up an opportunity like this,” Holmgren said. “While they may be a young start-up team, I definitely see potential.” Holmgren believes that the puppies’ quarterback, Bandit, shows more promise than any Browns quarterback in the last decade has. “If Bandit doesn’t throw for more yards using his mouth than my former first-round draft pick Brandon Weeden does with his arm, then something’s wrong,” Holmgren said. “Granted our wide receiver core, while quick, might not be up to NFL caliber, but Bandit would have one of the most sure number-one draft selections in the country if he was draft eligible.” The Browns kicked off this soon-to-be rivalry with a bit of trash talk of their own. Running back Trent Richardson guaranteed a victory and at least 200 rushing for his team. “Look at the size of those puppies. They’re tiny,” Richardson said. “I’ll be able to run right through them. Should be the best game of my career. Unless I drop the ball out of compulsion to pet those adorable little things, the game shouldn’t be a problem.” However, Vegas bookies don’t share the same optimism. The Browns are pegged as heavy underdogs for the matchup, opening at +14.
SPORTS & POP CULTURE
2013 NFL Playoff Preview
Well, it’s finally here - my favorite time of year, and I’m not talking about farm animal mating season. No sirree, it’s time for the NFL playoffs! Twelve teams enter, and only one can win, while the other eleven bring great shame upon their families. Here’s a brief look at the twelve playoff-bound teams, and my predictions for how their seasons will ultimately end: ₪ Houston Texans: For the majority of this season, Houston has dominated its opponents, led by an unforgiving defense as well as a consistently productive offense. However, they’ve suffered some tough defeats as well, getting thrashed by New England and Minnesota, two other playoff teams. Hence my conclusion that Houston will be disqualified from the playoffs, following the players’ failed plot to murder the Patriots and Broncos and win the Super Bowl by default. ₪ Denver Broncos: It’s funny how much a player like Peyton Manning can affect a team’s success on the field. Then again, when your previous starting quarterback was Tim Tebow, there’s really nowhere to go but up. Regardless, the Broncos’ season will end in the Super Bowl when Jesus himself descends from the heavens and intercepts Manning three times, running one back for a touchdown. ₪ Cincinnati Bengals: Evidently figuring that all of Ohio’s sports success belongs south of Columbus, Cincinnati has made several playoff appearances in recent years, contrary to those guys up north. Tragically, the Bengals’ season will end when a confused group of South Asian poachers descends on their stadium, capturing and murdering the entirety of the team for their fur. ₪ Indianapolis Colts: Rookie QB Andrew Luck, contrary to what his name indicates, has a solid skill set and a knack for snatching victory from the jaws of defeat. Sitting in an AFC wild-card spot despite a mediocre run game and defense, Indianapolis will be knocked out of the playoffs in the first round, when their Luck runs out. ₪ New England Patriots: Led by legendary QB and even more legendary pansy Tom Brady, the New England Patriots will be seeing post-season action for approximately the 842nd consecutive season. However, the Patriots will be eliminated in the second round of the AFC playoffs, not because they were outplayed, but because they’re honestly kind of tired of this whole Super Bowl thing by now. ₪ Baltimore Ravens: A consistent powerhouse in the AFC North, Baltimore is no stranger to the postseason. Led by a tenacious defense and legendarily mediocre QB Joe Flacco, the Ravens appear poised to put up a tough fight in the playoffs. However, Baltimore will see its Super Bowl dreams vanish when LB Ray Lewis’ deal with the devil for super-human strength expires, and his soul will be consumed by Satan during the opening coin toss – at which point Satan will then let out a Ray Lewisesque victory scream. ₪ Atlanta Falcons: Atlanta’s offense this year, led
SPORTS & POP CULTURE
by QB Matt Ryan and WR Julio Jones, has been superb. Their defense has been successful as well, led by future Hall of Fame cornerback Asante Samuel. In fact, Atlanta will win the Super Bowl this year, with a little help from a disgruntled Jesus, who will help them defeat the Broncos in return for their releasing QB Tim Tebow. ₪ Green Bay Packers: This year, Aaron Rodgers and the Packers have not dominated the regular season as they did last year. However, they still managed to win the NFC North, a tough division with two other playoff-caliber teams in it. However, the Pack will fall short of the Super Bowl, as they will be disqualified when 26,734 of their fans simultaneously suffer cheese-induced heart attacks, leading to the Packers’ playoff disqualification. ₪ Minnesota Vikings: Minnesota’s offense has led them to a playoff berth this year, led by RB Adrian Peterson, whom many thought would never be the same again after suffering a painful ACL injury one season ago. However, Minnesota will be eliminated in the first round of the playoffs due to a technicality resulting from having the ugliest logo in the NFL. ₪ Seattle Seahawks: Led by a tough, physical defense, the Seattle Seahawks have established themselves as a legitimate playoff contender, making it to the post season from a division that just a few years ago sent a below-500 team—ironically, the Seahawks themselves—to the playoffs. I’d write that they’ll win the Super Bowl off an interception that’s mistakenly ruled a touchdown, but that would be too easy, so I’ll just say that they’ll miss the playoffs by default to make up for them making it at 7-9 in 2010. ₪ San Francisco 49ers: The winners of the NFC West, the 49ers have all the makings of a playoff team: a solid quarterback, a tough running game, and a tenacious defense. Additionally, the 49ers have shown this year that they’re able to win in tough environments, posting road wins against Green Bay, New Orleans, and New England. However, the 49ers will see their Super Bowl dreams come to an end as the San Andreas Fault splits and California drifts away into the ocean just before game time in the second round. ₪ Washington Redskins: Robert Griffin III, Washington’s sensational rookie QB, has lit up defenses this year with both his arms and his legs. Plagued by injuries, however, the quarterback has been known to take some hard hits this season. Washington will nevertheless lose to the Patriots, despite the fact that they are in two different conferences, because really, who do you think would win in a battle between Patriots and Redskins?
The professorial perspective: Case Western versus the world This interview was conducted in Morley Building, as part of the campus-wide initiative to remove the stigma of the formerly-condemned building. It also now hosts a lovely Starbucks (as mentioned on page 17 of this issue of The Athenian), which sits in the former main chemistry labs. Downstairs also sits the coffee plants, as Babs has mandated in a Case campus push to be green and to grow our own coffee. NERMAL NIMROD, undergraduate student, interviewer: Well, to start us off, would you like to tell us about what you did over winter break? DR. FINBAR BOHR, professor, DMSE: Aren’t you going to ask about the end of last semester? The papers and tests I had to grade? NN: We all know you work very hard, Dr. Bohr. But this interview isn’t about classes or research. FB: Oh. Well then, I suppose no one really wants to hear about how much I love the frantic emails from students asking if they passed. It makes me feel like a god, in a way. But, anyway, over my winter break, I took my family out to New Jersey to visit my parents and extended family for the holidays. And no, I’m not related to “Snooki.” NN: Boy, I’m glad I don’t take your class. And no one was implying anything about your ancestry. But...New Jersey, huh? That must have been fun. Are your parents still - I mean...how’s your family?
FB: Oh, it definitely wasn’t what I’d call “fun.” I like to call my parents’ line of conversation topics “The Usual Suspects.” They start off with implying that teaching isn’t a career and slowly build their way up to flat-out offering me a job on the family cattle farm. No, I would have much rather been back here where I’m the know-it-all. NN: You get sick of your relatives? I know how that is. Whenever I go home, my entire family tries to tell me that my Nutrition major “isn’t a thing,” and then my uncle eats my Antabuse samples and forgets not to get drunk. You don’t seem to have it all that rough. FB: I mean, they are a successful family—my uncle’s really the one with the cattle farm. My parents are retired by now, but my father was once the head of the police department of New Brunswick. He never got over it when I didn’t go to the Police Academy because I didn’t want to get pepper-sprayed. I try to keep it to myself that I think the pursuit of knowledge is a worthy career as much as his police department job. NN: Well... why don’t we move on? Tell me, how do you think home food compares to Case? I think anything’s better than Leutner. FB: Oh ho ho, that’s something I laugh at every time I hear it. You know, after years of living out of my parents’ house when I was hired at Case, I too took three bites of Leutner and decided on driving downtown to eat every day instead. Then, that first year of teaching here, I went back home for the holidays. It only took one bite of my mother’s cooking to remind me that Leutner by comparison is a godsend. You think you have it bad with limpid pizza and unsavory “Home Table”? Well, Sunday brunch this year featured burnt scrambled eggs with mayonnaise and a fruit salad that would have given a five-year-old diabetes. The
moral of the story is, I no longer scoff at Leutner’s food. NN: Okay, I guess I can’t really...seriously? Mayonnaise? What kind of monkey house do you live in? FB: Growing up, I always thought everyone’s spaghetti had kimchee in it, and I always asked to go home from playdates when I heard spaghetti would be served at my friend’s house for dinner. It wasn’t until I was 18 when I learned most spaghetti just has meatballs. NN: ...That’s really weird. Okay. I think we have time f o r just one more topic. Let’s see - what’s been your experience on winter-break vacations versus Case? Do you travel a lot? FB: The most recent vacation I’ve taken during break was a few years back when my kids were young enough that they didn’t complain when I called them “kids” and we made the routine American pilgrimage to Disney World. It probably would be better if I could go again now... I hear they’ve started serving alcohol. What I wouldn’t have given for something to take the edge off handling the lines, not to mention that horrible soundtrack to “It’s a Small World.” I mean, have you ever been there? NN: Yes, and I loved it! Are you craz - sorry, that wasn’t professional. Could you possibly give an example of how your area of interest helped you on your travels? [pauses] Okay, whoever wrote these questions is really drinking the Kool-Aid.
NN: I don’t know, maybe they expected me to interview the International Studies department or something. Whenever I try to use my knowledge to better my family, they just tell me to shut up and pass the twice-fried potatoes. FB: Twice-fried potatoes? Don’t make me dream. NN: Yeah, some people think Leutner sucks for a reason. So, do you think you and your students have anything in common when it comes to vacation experiences? FB: You’ve already proven you undergrads weren’t thinking drinking at psycho-happy Disney World… But other than that, I’m sure everyone’s dealt with the common things, like sketchy motel rooms with mold in the corners and red handprints on the doors. NN: I’m not talking about your crappy murder-scene motels. I mean the way vacation stacks up compared to Case. I mean...you don’t have homework or anything, so isn’t it a nice breather? FB: Well, my breather is the part when I get to play god. But I suppose it’s nice to take time off, go home, pretend we all live in a world where our only obligation is to play as many video games as possible... NN: And with that last little crack, we’re out of time. “Thanks,” Dr. Bohr. FB: Oh, don’t worry, it was really my “pleasure.”
FB: “Drinking the KoolAid”? I try to keep up, but some of this slang just goes over my head. But you mean Materials Science? In my travels? It’s not like I take vacations to Krypton. Usually knowing enough to engineer a stronger alloy doesn’t come up on the family trip to the Grand Canyon.
The Athenian condones none of the actions pictured above and does not wish to imply that Bon Appetit would give two free meal passes at any time throughout the upcoming semesters.
It’s a rap: how America’s rappers spend the off-season as reported by: Garth Brooks Even if they’re prone to wearing strange outfits and press-on gold teeth, rappers are people just like the rest of us. And, like any other human, they need a break every now and then from what is admittedly a very stressful career path. The Athenian sent a reporter to ask several of the best-known rappers about their activities during their time off and the answers documented here are nothing short of surprising. Snoop Lion, known as Snoop Dogg until his conversion to Rastafarianism this past year, was quick to reveal that his post-Reincarnated plans involve the completion of his heretofore unknown Ph.D. “I’ve designed a bite-sized variant of the Large Hadron Collider,” Lion said. “If I defend it successfully, it could revolutionize the way the public thinks about sub-atomic particles.” Upon being informed that the general public does not, in fact, think about sub-atomic particles, Lion replied “Well, dawg, that just proves how inane people are.” In a more optimistic turn of events, Eminem has spent all his free time for the past ten years in pursuit of the Great American Novel – both reading and writing. Apparently, Eminem’s reading list includes an impressive 2,400 titles. “The Peloponnesian War,” he said, “would be a fascinating background for a story.” The rapper cites Vergil, Francesco Petrarch, and Willa Cather as his primary stylistic influences. Of course, no list of pastimes would be complete without an aesthetic activity. Lupe Fiasco’s downtime activities fit that bill, as he likes to design costumes. “Not for Broadway, of course,” he clarified. “That’s overdone, and anyway, I’m over the show-tune crowd. No, this year I’m sticking to serious theater – and Downton Abbey, of course.”
Executives for the show declined to comment, other than a passing mention of Fiasco’s “deft eye for sartorial accuracy.” The responses from these rappers have truly opened our eyes to the beauty of higher intelligence. And, of course, stunned our reporter so thoroughly that she dropped a clipboard on her foot, but it’s only a flesh wound anyway.
We here at The Athenian are also excited to announce his new album:
The Becoming of Snoop Lion
available in all Starbucks locations now. **iTunes may come later, if the artist agrees to the Apple terms & conditions update that allows for Apple’s full control of his merchandise.
SPORTS & POP CULTURE
The Lord of the Rings may be hazardous as reported by: Alicia Keys to your health With the first movie of Peter Jackson’s “Hobbit” trilogy finally over and done with, it is only natural that many Tolkien fans would turn to Peter Jackson’s more famous trilogy, “Lord of the Rings,” for entertainment. However, experts are now saying that Peter Jackson’s “Lord of the Rings” adaptations may be dangerous to our health, due to a unknown chemical reaction they can produce in the brain. Hardcore Tolkien fans Mike Lasses, Jack Ripper, and Iona Ford were found dead last weekend in a car wreck just outside of Boston, Massachusetts. The trio had been in the middle of an all-day marathon of the extended editions of Peter Jackson’s “Lord of the Rings” movie trilogy when they went out to get more popcorn. Their bodies were found to contain a heightened amount of a chemical now known as Gandalftonin, which is only produced when the brain is subjected to heightened levels of Epic High Fantasy Adventure. The three fans’ deaths are only the most recent in a string of casualties related to the mysterious compound – deaths that have prompted a full federal investigation. Dr. Constance Noring from the Food and Drug administration says that the reason the chemical had not been discovered before is that while many nerds claim to have sat through a marathon of the extended editions, few actually do so. “Sure, there have been isolated incidents of actual marathons before,” said Dr. Noring, “but there was never such a large string of them at once. This movie is really whipping the hardcore fans into a frenzy!” Dr. Noring went on to explain that Gandalftonin has been found to have an intoxicating and addictive effect. “Basically, Tolkien’s writing is so awesome that the body has to create a brand-new enzyme to process it. The resulting chemical is addictive in nature and incredibly dangerous in large doses. One movie doesn’t produce enough Gandalftonin to inhibit motor skills or impact decision making. But when you’re talking about a marathon over eleven hours long, that’s like going on an all-night bender in the warehouse district, only everyone’s speaking Elvish for some reason.” She went on to add that one three-hour movie may not be enough
to permanently impact judgment, but it can still get you addicted. The Food and Drug Administration has recommended enacting a new federal law that would require each extended-edition DVD to bear an official warning. The warning would inform consumers that participating in a marathon of the extended editions can get you literally drunk off how awesome they are, and may lead you to do some incredibly stupid shit in an attempt to protect the ringbearer from the forces of Sauron. The bill is expected to go before Congress next month, where it will be bickered about uselessly for three days before being handed off to a subcommittee and forgotten about for a year. In the meantime, we at The Athenian offer a few tips for building up fans’ tolerance so that you, too, can fully handle the effects of an extended edition marathon. Begin with the theatrical releases, then gradually work your way up to viewing one extended edition in one night. After you have been able to keep that rhythm for a while, you may be ready for a marathon - but be sure to keep a designated driver on retainer.
Things said on campus part 1
“Move along. Nothing behind that door except a large death-dealing robot.” “Turns out the man in the moon is kind of a dick.” “This exam sucks, Beavis.” 14
SPORTS & POP CULTURE
Case News A student homesick - for Case? as reported by: Hugh Laurie
Ben Frank, sophomore Case student, was seen returning to campus as soon as the dorms re-opened with relief in his eyes and a spring in his step. “This month was horrible,” reported Frank, who hails from Abilene, TX. “Winter ‘break,’ what a name. Break with my sanity, maybe.” Witnesses verified that Frank, a Civil Engineering major, was sitting on the steps of Michelson on Thursday morning, pestering staff to let him into the building at precisely 9:00 AM EST. His haste to return to CWRU apparently stems from what he views as an inferior hometown setting, as he was heard complaining about the monosyllabic speaking habits of his neighbors to anyone who would (or wouldn’t) listen. “My cousin Annalisa thinks I’m talking about coffee when I describe my works in Java!” the student vented. “She asked if I was becoming a bartender! And my little brother said ‘IEEE’ is what you shout at Cedar Point when you go down the rollercoasters. I’m surrounded by idiots.” Other Case students, upon hearing Frank’s problems, came forward to offer their sympathies. Many shyly revealed similar traumatizing experiences. “None of my old friends from high school even know what an Arduino is,” admitted freshman Christian Davids. “At home, even when someone wears a superhero shirt, they’ve only seen the 2011 movie version. In fact, many students had horror stories to offer. Junior Katie Adams testified to succumbing to the
doldrums the first week of January, and attempting to rig an electronically programmed makeshift fireworks show for the neighborhood. The explosives would have lit up in the shape of the Large Hadron Collider, had neighborhood matriarch Granny Alice not sat her down and had a talk with her about “real jobs.” Adams went on to add that, just in case anyone was wondering, she has zero interest in working as a secretary for the offices of the magazine Reader’s Digest. Overall, your faithful reporter was able to conclude - from a very official survey conducted in the Nord computer lab from the people willing to answer while waiting for the computers to load - that 82.3% of CWRU students prefer the intellectual quality of the student body at Case to those of their families. Most students said that while they enjoyed being home to relax (not to mention the break from cafeteria food), they still find themselves relieved to return to highspeed Internet and people with whom they can hold a polysyllabic conversation. However, there were a few students who stuck out. One freshman, English major Jessie Bernstein, grumbled about the horrible conditions of living with other people in a dorm building, and the “fashionforward quality lacking here, which I’m just not used to, coming from New York City.” However, as this student’s face deeply resembled a grumpy cat meme, one can only discount her testimony and accept that Case is a haven for under-appreciated nerds.
Things said on campus part 2
“I’m not even on drugs. I’m just weird.” “If you’re an atheist, who do you thank that it is Friday?” “PMS is just girls ovary acting.” CASE NEWS
Gambit’s Guide to Wooing Women, 2013 Edition Well, my friends, 2012 has come to a close and 2013 is here. What’s my resolution? To turn you chunks into hunks. This year, I’ll show you how you can woo the ladies. Follow my tips, and you’ll find yourself with a Maxim model in no time. First things first. You want ladies? Then you gotta have something to bring to the table. Women like a man with many talents. You say you’re a chainsaw-juggling bodybuilder? Great! But I know you’re not, so start small. I’d recommend getting your warlock to level 85. Women love a man who can bring a demon to its knees. Hunter works too, because chicks dig dogs. Try defeating the Black Knight, too. Even if you lose, you’ll gain some sexy scars. Computer games not your thing? Try arts and crafts! The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but the way to a woman’s heart is through that embroidered sweater you knitted her. You also need to make sure you’re presentable so you don’t get shot down before you can show off your new talents. Women like a guy who’s on the cutting edge of fashion - jeans and fitted shirts were so 2012. This year, fleece sweaters are going to be hip and fresh. Make sure to deck out your new fleece sweater with a quality pocket protector. Nothing can spoil a first impression more than inky pecs, so make sure your pens don’t cause a disaster by pimping yourself out with some pocket swag! Finally, rock that outfit with some quality suspenders. Now, I’m talking Gucci suspenders; Wal-mart doesn’t cut it anymore, guys. “But Gambit!” I can hear you saying. “I thought you said to be cutting edge!” Retro is cutting edge! They’ll see you rocking your new fleece and switching it up with old-style suspenders, and they’ll be putty in your edgy hands. So you’ve got your skillz, you’ve got your pimpin’ new clothes - now the only thing left is just to be yourself. (Figuratively, of course. I would tell you not to be yourself if you could be me, but then you wouldn’t be needing this column, now would you?) You’re a physics major? No problem! Tell her about all the friction that’ll go on between you two, and she won’t help but be more than gravitationally attracted to you. Do you have body odor? That’s fine too! I like to call it perfume au naturale. Girls love a musky man. Last but not least, don’t be shy. Go ahead, show her the drawings you made of her, the shrine dedicated to your love, and your collection of her hair. She’ll find it flattering! Follow these tips, and next year at this time, well, you’ll probably be dead. Why? You were drowned in a sea of women – but what a way to go, you lucky so-and-so!
writers. We need artists. We want you. Write for The Athenian! CASE NEWS
Breaking news: Morley renovated into Starbucks
Wondering what happens when a building hosts a chemistry accident and sits abandoned for years? Apparently the answer is “it becomes a chain coffee shop”! “We’re hoping the chemical essence of Morley Laboratory will really add atmosphere to our newest Fourbucks--er, Starbucks,” said a university spokesperson. “A mercury spill that’s been infusing a building for thirty years just adds a certain je ne sais quoi you can’t find at either Starbucks in the Village or on Euclid, and definitely not at the university bookstore.” Students across campus were thrilled to hear the news, and many said they had been thinking “just the other day” about how difficult it is to find a cup of coffee on campus. However, a source who wished to remain anonymous recommended ordering your coffee while wrapped in plastic, “just in case.”
Case wind turbine sad with no people to wave to as reported by: Charles F. Brush
It was hailed as an innovation, but with nobody to wave to, the campus wind turbine is starting to feel a little lonesome. “Not even a hello,” the wind turbine admitted spitefully, blades still spinning in Cleveland’s winter snow flurries. “Two years of this. Students come and go every day but I’m stuck. How is that fair?” Only the occasional curious student or repairmen makes a visit to the wind turbine, which is located immediately outside Veale. Its hopes have dropped along with the temperature as it watches students spill out of the center without looking up to greet it. Its twin, the University Farm wind turbine, feels the same winter blues. The ten miles of separation makes it impossible for them to even wave to each other. “We had no say in our placements, and I demand freedom,” the University Farm turbine told a reporter for The Athenian. “Plus, I’m really bored.” “It’d be easier you know, if we could move,” the campus wind turbine added, when told of its sibling’s anguish and rage. Both turbines were born in the fall of 2010, but are very sophisticated for just over two years of age. In fact, their advanced technology makes them extremely susceptible to emotional distress. The campus wind turbine feels especially under the weather during this bleak season. “Maybe it’s seasonal depression, but I’m tired of this. All I do is give, give, give and get nothing in return,” it said. “I wish I was invisible. That’s all I am to anybody here.” Powering parts of the Veale center with no thanks is a surefire way to make any wind turbine feel down. “And the worst part is- people still call me a windmill. Please, this isn’t the ninth century,” said the campus wind turbine. (In fact, a straw poll of Athenian readers indicates a fifty-fifty split between ‘that thing’ and ‘eyesore,’ a fact of which the campus turbine doesn’t seem to be aware.) Battered with Cleveland’s powerful winds and unpredictable weather, both turbines undergo daily abuse. However, the campus wind deals with far more depression and emotional turmoil. “I wanna give up,” it said quietly. “My goal in life wasn’t to power Cleveland. Would anybody really want my job?”
An inside look: Case student returns to the real world **This was submitted by a Case student who wished to remain anonymous. Well, looks like it’s time to come back. Seems like only yesterday I was done with final and had nothing to do. My days were filled with mom’s home cooking, gratuitous sword fights, and nubile young women willing to disrobe for me at my beck and call. Life was good. Now, however, I’m stuck dining on Leutner’s pathetic excuse for…whatever the hell that’s supposed to be. I no longer have time to participate in any sword battles, gratuitous or otherwise, as I’m too busy with OChem. None of the girls here will get naked on my command, and, even if they would, I’m not sure I’d want them to. I have returned to campus, with all the misery and boredom that brings. We now move past the joy of the holidays and into the rest of dull, dreary winter. Nothing to look forward to except Valentine’s Day (and trust me, that’s not anything to celebrate around here) and Spring Break (which is three months out). It’s depressing. We really need some more random days off around here. Break up the monotony and let us escape back into our fantasy worlds. Also, it’s fucking cold out.
Interview with “Angry” Alex Jibman The one guy whose world really did end on December 21 Clad in a single-sleeve leather jacket, carrying a Nerf gun, and accompanied by a pink French poodle, Alex Jibman is an imposing man. He has to be; it helps to ward off trouble in the wasteland. For “Angry Alex,” as people have come to call him, the Mayan prophecies came true - his world ended on December 21, 2012. He agreed to brave the harsh post-apocalyptic plains and horrible Cleveland drivers to sit down for an interview with us. Mr. Chuckles, Interviewer: Thank you, Alex, for coming. “Angry Alex”: This better be worth my time! I could be scavengin’ for food right now. C: Dude, there’s a Chipotle like three blocks down. Just go there. AA: The looters would hit the obvious places first. C: There aren’t any… you know what? F i n e . I d o n ’t have time for this. So, the question on everyone’s mind
right now: how, exactly, does one person’s world end? AA: I don’t know. All I remember is hearin’ a loud rumbling, and then my house just, boom, burst into flames. Surely it was a sign of the end times. C: Ah, yes…spontaneous combustion. It happens. The rumbling was probably just your stomach. Did you eat anything that didn’t agree with you earlier that day? AA: Some curly fries. C: That’ll do it. So what is it like wandering around a post-apocalyptic world that isn’t really post-apocalyptic? AA: I scavenge for food and usable water. Occasionally I get strange looks from people. C: Does it amaze you that no one else seems to have noticed the whole “end of the world” thing? AA: Not really – people are kinda stupid. Just look at the crap that airs on TLC these days. C: Good point. One last question: what’s the deal with the poodle? AA: Petunia? She’s always been my faithful companion! C: But still − a [redacted] poodle? AA: [raises gun] Watch yourself, Mr. Chuckles. C: Whatever. That Nerf gun doesn’t look loaded. Wait, what’s that dog – [static] Well, it turned out the Nerf gun wasn’t loaded, but Petunia’s got a pretty devastating tongue, which she used to lick Mr. Chuckles repeatedly about the face and hands. With that love mauling, the interview was concluded. Tune in next month for our interview with Cedric von Mortenheimer, the Case student whose world ended when his laptop died.
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This is your lucky ________(noun). Because of that ________(adjective) blizzard, school’s been cancelled. So how will you spend this unexpected ________(noun)? Here are some ________(adjective) suggestions: • Stay inside and drink that five hour _______(noun) while watching ________(adjective) ________(noun). • Grab your _______(noun) and go sledding down the ________(noun) of University Hospital. They do have an ER, after all, even if it takes an eternity to get into. • Find a frozen _______(noun) and _______(verb) on it. • Build a ________(noun) out of ________(noun). • ________(verb) the _______(noun) away. • Study the _______(subject) exam that was postponed due to the _______(noun).
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