NOW WITH 25 PERCENT MORE THC
The Corne¬ Daily Blunt TUESDAY, APRIL 20, 2016
VOL. 4, No. 20
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YEEZY WINS
NEW YORK STATE PRIMARY
By SCOOBY DOOBY Sun Hippie Lettuce
NEW YORK CITY — While officials are still tabulating final results from yesterday’s 2016 presidential primary in New York state, preliminary numbers indicate that rapper Kanye West was the big winner in both the Democratic and Republican races. West defeated Donald “Small Fingered Vulgarian” Trump 420 percent to 30 percent. Ted “Cruise Control” Cruz was a very distant third. The Democratic race resulted in a similar landslide, with West receiving 63 percent to Hillary “My Daughter Endorses Me” Clinton’s 20 percent and Bernie “Political Revolution” Sander’s 15 percent. When asked how confident he was that he would win the primary, West indicated to reporters that he stopped spending money on the campaign after learning he could vote for him-
“I thank me because I voted for me.” Kanye West COURTESY OF THE NEW YORK TIMES
self. His vote alone would be enough, according to West. “I like voting,” West said bluntly. “I thank the angels who voted for me, and I thank me because I voted for me.” New York state residents who voted for West yesterday said they were especially attracted to his platform of fiscal conservatism, hard-line foreign policy and proposal to build a wall around himself to keep everyone out. Although several voters said they were initially displeased by his offcolor and dishonest remarks made earlier in the election cycle — on a variety of topics from Taylor Swift to Tidal — they also said his narcissism eventually tired them out and won them over. “I used to love Kanye,” said voter Mary Jane. “That’s all it was Kanye — we still love Kanye.” See DEEZ NUTS page 420
Kathy Zoner Under Police Scrutiny Troll Terrorizing After Alleged Concert Crowdsurfing Forest Home Drive CUPD chief escorted from Barton Hall during Young Thug concert By WACKY TOBACCY Sun Shredder
Police Chief Kathy Zoner was brought in for questioning by the Cornell University Police Department Sunday night after she was allegedly found crowd
surfing at the Young Thug concert at Barton Hall, according to a CUPD press release. Zoner explained to CUPD that she was actually a die-hard fan of the Atlanta-based rapper and, in the heat of the moment, decided to body surf to grab his
CAMERON POLLACK / SUN PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR
Slime season | Police Chief Kathy Zoner made a surprise appearance at Young Thug’s concert in Barton Hall on Sunday.
attention. “I just couldn’t control myself anymore,” she said. “When Young Thug came on stage I just lost it!” After searching Zoner’s office, police discovered an overwhelming amount of Young Thug paraphernalia, including Young Thug concert posters and gold chains, according to the press release. Mary Jane ’18 said she saw Zoner bobbing her head and dancing to the music all night, saying Zoner was “so hyped and really feelin’ it.” “She body surfed all the way to the front where she managed to leap onto the stage and grab the microphone,” he said. “Then she screamed out to the crowd, ‘I love Young Thug!’” As Zoner was being dragged off the stage, the crowd chanted, “free Kathy thugga!” Cornell Concert Commission and CUPD escorted Zoner off the premises immediately after, according to the press release. Young Thug declined to comment for this story. See DEEZ NUTS page ∞
Further Prolongs Road’s Long Closure
frosh, who then escaped by telling it to wait for older students who would The Sun has exclusive- provide it with a “much ly discovered that a troll better feast.” “I just told it to ‘gobliving under Forest Home Drive — which runs ble up’ actual students,” along Beebe lake parallel said the pre-frosh Mary to North Campus — is Jane ’20. “Then it let me the true cause of the mys- go and I saw it stop the next person terious damage that walked that forced the by.” road’s closure The troll’s in September. discovery This revelaoccurred after tion has lead many students the construcenrolled in tion team to Physics 2213 reconsider posreceived their sible sources for prelim grades the mysterious TROLL back. water source “I heard it say somethat was eroding the road, according to the head of thing about standard deviations and below the the construction team. “I think the empty mean,” Jane said. School officials expect Keystone Light cans give us a hint as to where the that the troll will be ‘water’ was coming removed by finals week, since the lack of students from,” he said. The troll was discov- outside will starve the ered when it threatened See ROAD CLOSED page ! to “gobble up” a preBy WONDER BOY
Sun Kush Bush