Universe Within Gwen Randall-Young
I
PSYCHOLOGY
The right time to leave a relationship
work with many couples that are having relationship issues. I always tell them if they love each other and want to make it work, I will do everything in my power to not only resolve the issues, but also help them have a stronger, healthier relationship. However, if one – or both – does not want the relationship or they are unable to resolve their differences, I do everything I can to help them separate with dignity, honouring what was good between them, ensuring the best interests of their children. Sometimes, I see what I call “fatal flaws” also known as irreconcilable differences. Often, these are deep-seated aspects of one’s personality, which may not be obvious in
We likely do more research in deciding which car to buy than what kind of partner we want. the honeymoon phase of the relationship. Dynamics between a couple can also change over time. Often, the seeds of future problems are there in the beginning. We likely do more research in deciding which car to buy than what kind of partner we want. I suggest to my single and newly single clients that they make a list of all the qualities they desire in a partner and then decide which ones are absolutely must-haves. These include honesty, integrity, the ability to communicate and be emotionally connected, kindness, financial stability and a strong commitment. I then ask them to make a list of deal-breakers such as substance abuse, dishonesty, anger issues, financial instability, gambling problems and physical or emotional abuse. If any of these are present, do not proceed in the relationship unless the individual is committed to and is practising recovery.
Insecurity, low self-esteem or fear of change can keep people in a relationship for far too long. Sometimes, one feels love for a partner who continues to treat them badly. Sadly, love is not enough so when is it time to move on? If one is being physically or emotionally abused and the abuser will not seek counselling or is not taking obvious steps to stop the abuse, it is time. If abuse is directed toward children, it is time to get them away, protect them and create a stable, secure environment. If addictive behaviours are having a negative impact on one’s partner and the children, it is not a healthy environment for anyone. If a partner is becoming increasingly depressed because of the other, taking medication to cope with that behaviour makes less sense than getting out of the situation. If a partner lies, cheats, is overly controlling, critical or demeaning, you are dishonouring yourself by staying in that situation. Sometimes, clients tell me they are staying together for the children, but maintaining an unhealthy environment is more harmful for children than divorcing and moving on. The children must not be used as pawns and the parents must not trash the other in front of the children. Ultimately, if each parent finds happiness with a new partner, the children will be happier. Insecurity leads some to think if they leave they may never find someone else and they do not want to be alone. Yes, it may be a risk, but if you stay, you deny yourself the possibility of ever finding true happiness. If you feel overwhelmed and do not know where to start, seek counselling so you can be supported as you decide what you need to do. j Gwen Randall-Young is an author and psychotherapist in private practice. For articles and information about her books, “Deep Powerful Change” hypnosis CDs and “Creating Effective Relationships” series, visit www.gwen.ca
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common ground
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