The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive self-projection to author new life narratives.
Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.
While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.
This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.
So Close to Giving in But Told to Never Give Up
So Close To Giving In But Told To Never Give up
First, let me say I’m not writing this book for attention or to make anyone feel bad. I am writing this because it’s what I feel in my heart daily and to say watch the people around you. They may need your help.
Growing up as a kid, I wasn’t spoiled, but truthfully, I never needed for anything. I wanted to be a football player or basketball player, whichever came calling first. But neither came and I was told to never give up.
There were times in my life where I thought I wouldn’t survive if I didn’t go pro. There were times I would abuse myself because I failed at my own dreams. By the grace of God.
He never gave me strength enough to do anything worse. Even though, as I got older and realized in the world that things can happen, and that things would never be the same because of it, my eyes opened to mistakes and death.
Atthesetimes,Iwasabout12or13yearsoldandknowingIstillhadalottolearnIwas alwaystold“Nevergiveup. ” Let’sfastforwardalittletowhereIwasclosetogivingin.
I was 16 and someone killed my best friend. My life changed. I never saw him again.
Always watching our old videos made me miss him dearly.
It got to the point where I figured I couldn’t live without him but, my 11 year old little brother caught me before I could do anything. He said he loves me and he needs me and also to never give up.
I was fine after hearing that from him or at least, I thought I was. But actually things in my life started to grow on me heavier and heavier.
It got to a point where I can be around a lot of people, but feel like I’m there all alone. To a point where I'm second-guessing my point of living. Have you ever heard of “Hurt people hurt people?”
Well now at this time, I’m 18 years old with a girlfriend I had since 14 years old, and me feeling like a lost cause didn’t help us.
We broke up and I lost one of the best things to me which made me want to give up more. I felt like I wasted 4 to 5 years of my life and a break up was a whole new feeling for me.
It took two years to get over that, and what helped me was the birth of my daughter Skylar. Thanks to her I found the never give up spirit again.
Now I’m 21 with a one year old who I have to live for, but my mental problems never faded.
I never told anyone how I feel. The only person I know to know is Zo and he’s 16 at this time. So I tried my best not to let him see me down again.
Now let’s fast forward to the present time where I am 26 years old with a six year old daughter Skylar and a 21 year old little brother. I feel both look up to me and care deeply about me as much as I do them. Even though I am in Cook County DOC, I know for a fact they love me.
Writing the story behind the wall only intensifies those feelings I used to have because they never went away. Once again, I’m around a lot of people and still feel all alone. And now more than ever, can’t no one feel my pain that I had, what I am feeling and I’m going through.
If you know me, the way I carry myself you would never know my pains or problems, because I smile, laugh and push others to never give up. I remind people everything will get better.
Like, for example, even at my lowest, I will make people around me think I’m at my highest. But sometimes it hurts because it’s like I never talk about certain things, and it weighs on my mental heavy.
Truthfully, it be so much on my mental rolex, it be hard to think straight.
Thinking about being and doing better.
Also thinking about the people I let down. And lastly, thinking about all the people I lost to the grave. It be times where I’m thinking so much that maybe I would be better off with them.
!!!So
Close To Giving In!!!
It be so crazy because outside of my daughter and two little brothers it be hard finding a true purpose to live.
I know for them I can never give up, but the things we people go through being so burden heavy. Sometimes it feels impossible.
Even though I know, somewhere else in the world, someone is going through something worse than I am.
So I guess I can’t complain.
Finding my path and coming up with new dreams, and more so chasing them to the best of my ability for myself and my daughter and brothers, to make a better life for us and myself.
