Doing the Same Expecting Different
by
Carl Daniels
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive self-projection to author new life narratives.
Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.
While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.
This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.
Carl Daniels
Have you ever thought that everything your mama told you when you were little was going to happen when you got older? Yeah yeah like for instance my mom told me that if I was going to choose the streets then I better know that it leads to death or jail And now I'm here to let you know that I went through that and it made me a believer.. let's dive in!
Iwasabout13or14whenmyOGfirsttoldmethatsaying,itstilltookmesometimebeforeIactuallybelieved it.Iremembermyfirstruninwiththepolicelol.TheykepttellingmetocallmyOGtocomegetmeandIwas lyingsayingthatIdidn ’tknowthenumbersotheygotmadandjustdroppedmeoffanywherelol.
And I still didn't tell my mom what happened. So one day she got a letter in the mail saying I had to report to 1100 South Hamilton. I was so salty. I thought it was over with but when we got there it was just a supervision visit.
SoIwassittingtherethinking,I'mcool, justaslaponthewrist.SoIneverreallylearnedfromthat.Leaving thereIwentandgotputbackinschoolwithmymomassoonassheleftshewasgettingacallsayingIgot caughtwithsomeXpills.I'minschoollikedamnIjustgotthesupervisionit'stighton.
My mom met me at the police station to sign me out, so now I'm thinking when I go to court I'm really going to jail but once I went to court the case was dismissed so once again I'm thinking shit was sweet. I think all of my juvenile cases got dismissed but little did I know that was like Little League and once I turned 18 I really figured out that it's a difference.
ThenIgotoffandcaughtanothercase, thenIwasonthebandfor9moremonths. ThenwhenIwasreleasedthattimeIwasarrestedmonthslaterandwenttothebigboyjailfor3years. I satbackandthoughtlikedamnwhatamIdoingwrong?
aTheoldery'allgettheworsethesituationgetscuzat18Icaughtadrugcaseandwasplacedonhouse rrestfor10months.
ItriedtofigureoutawaytodothesamethingbutinadifferentwaythewholetimeIshouldhave justcalleditquitsthen.
Now18monthslaterIwassentencedto7yearsinfederalprison.AfterthatIsaidI'mdone,I don'twantthislifeanymore.
I'm coming home to my daughter who is going to be 8 years old. So far I've been in jail her whole life. I'm thinking like damn wow come on Sosa you got to be better. So once I was released I was doing good, I was with the girl of my dreams and we ended up making a baby.
Aftercominghomefromthe5yearsinthefederalprison,IhadajobonthetruckdeliveringArizonasto storesandIwasgettingreadytostartforklifttrainingsoIfeltlikeIwasontherightpathdoingsometo keepmeouttatroublebutstillonmyfreetimeI'msurroundedbypeoplewhonotontherighttrack.It reallywasmylilcousinwhoIwantedtobearoundcauseithasbeen8yearssincewebeenaroundeach otherduetojail.
So I felt like we had to make up for lost time but I really should have pulled him away too!! He was doing good in Arkansas working a job doing good but he made sure he came back for me cause he missed me just as much as I missed him!!
And then it was one day we was out in the neighborhood and like looking back at the day our mood was kind of off like we was out there but didnt want to be there.
He was just telling me he went and got a new ID and he had a job interview coming up and it’s crazy it was all family out there: me, my lil cousin, his dad, and our cousin Lonzo, as well as two other homies who have been around like family.
I rememberlike it was yesterdaymygirlfriend called and said she wasfinna pull upand so Ihung up. Ilook upI see ablack truck then shots rungout and I ran once everything cleared out though. I come out the vacantlot and see mylil cousin comingtoward us sayingIlove yall,Ilove yall, over and over and Ibroke instantlyas we puthim in the car to gethim to thehospital just tolearn a couplehourslater thathe passed.
I can honestly say after that, whatever I was doing good went completely out the window and 45 days later I was arrested for two guns.
I just looked at it as God was slowing me down cause I was headed down the wrong path but now sitting in jail I just had my second child, a handsome little boy and I'm ready to do good by him.
Even with his mom I love this girl so much I want to do right by her as well, and also I want to do it for my lil cousin cause I know he wanted to leave the street alone and be there for his kids so Imma look after them like them my kids 100.
And no I still have not healed from his death even almost a year later but I learned I would prolly never heal fully but I need to do right for me, him, my kid, his kids, and my girlfriend and I'm going to do it as well.
To the reader I want you to get from this to don't do the same thing expecting a different result and also pay attention to the signs.
God put you through things in life to learn from them not to do the same thing again expecting a different result.
I know I'm going to win this time. I got a really strong support system, a beautiful lil family that never gave up on me and that keep me going.
Even writing this story helps me pay attention and learn from these obstacles so I want to thank the ConTextos program for letting me publish this memoir and I want to thank my Mom and my girl for not turning their back on me. I can honestly say I'm ready to get out and restart.
I’ve learned from all my mistakes and I’m ready to get a fresh start on life and raise my kids to be better than me!! Thanks to the whole ConTextos family.
I Am From
I am from East Garfield Park
Carl Daniels
From how many unc and on that car
I am from standing on the block until gun shots ring out
I am from dont shoot I wanna grow up
Cause kids die alot where im from
I’m from Uncle Henry and Uncle Jay
From learning how to shake up at an early age
And from do what you gotta do to make sure family ate I’m from one fight all fight
And from family come first I’m from walnut street
From Granny’s sweet potato pie and momma ’ s sweet kool-aid
From Henry C and TeTe Charisse
I am from pain and hurt some you so there to become a man
I am from all my life, all my love all my soul
