Hereditary Addiction by Dennis (Breed) Roach

Hereditary Addiction

Dennis (Breed) Roach

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds,,expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.

Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.

While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.

This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.

Hereditary Addiction Dennis (Breed) Roach

I'm not gone sit here and act like my life’s been all bad because it hasn't been. I'm not going to act like it's been all peaches and cream either because then I would be lying.

What I can say is it's been a series of ups and downs, you know minor setbacks for major comebacks, or 2 steps forward 3 steps back type shit. Let me give you a little history. I'm the second oldest child on my momma side, she had 10, 9 boys and 1 girl.

And I'm the oldest child on my fathers side, he was 11 or 12. I really don't know so altogether I got like 20 siblings. Shit crazy right.

I was raised by my O.G. until me and my lil brother Curtis went into D.C.F.S. and my Auntie Samantha took custody of us.

My momma got high when I was a kid, just like most of the adults that came up in the late 80’s, early 90’s. So that made me grow up faster and mature quicker than the other kids my age.

I think out of all my momma’s kids I went through the most. I always had to be the big brother and take on most of the responsibilities. I had to make sure we ate and make sure the house was clean and our clothes were clean for school the next day. If they weren’t, I had to wash them.

Have you ever had to wash you and your brother’s uniform clothes out for school the next day in the bathtub, ring them out, hang them up, make sure y’all homework was done and make y'all something to eat at 11 yrs old? Cause I have. I always had to pick up the slack. I mean I didn't mind doing it cause that was my O.G. and I love her no matter what. I guess she was just grooming me to be a strong independent black man.

I remember back in the days it was a thing called food stamps. This was before link cards and EBT. They used to come in booklets $1, $5, $10 booklets. Every first I would take a $10 book and a $5 book from my momma when she was high. When she had spent all the other money I would give her the ones I took so we would still be able to put food in the house. I know my momma loved us; it was just the addiction that had a hold of her. Addiction is a bitch.

We moved around a lot when I was a kid and changed schools a lot. We always had a place to stay until we didn't. We stayed in shelters for a while but I didn't care I was with my O.G. and that's all that mattered. Eventually my TT Samantha and great grandma took custody of me and my lil bro Curtis. I guess they thought they were doing the right thing, but I didn't think so.

At the time I was in the 4th grade, she lived in an All Mexican neighborhood called Pilsen on 18th and Oakley. Even though she had her own kids she took good care of us. And I will always love her for that. She could have let us get split up in the state but she didn't. She took on a huge responsibility getting custody of me and my brother and she really didn't have to do that.

I guess she felt obligated because she called or maybe it was because she loved my mom, but that's when I was finally able to be a kid. I mean I still had responsibilities and chores, but I was finally able to be a kid if you know what I mean. We went to a predominately Hispanic school Pickard where I thrived. I was 1 of the 8 or 9 other black kids that went there.

I made so many friends. All my teachers loved me. I’ve always been good at school, no matter what I was going through I was always academically inclined. But on the other hand I always found my way into some trouble. If I wasn't talking too much in class being disruptive, I was fighting. I stayed in detention or suspended for something. I gave my TT hell I ain’t gone lie.

I guess I was just acting out because of the situation with my momma. But no matter how many times I fought or got suspended my aunt was always there. Every Christmas, every birthday, every call from the teacher she was always there. Me and my brother always had the newest clothes and latest Jordans and games on top of doing for her own kids.

I remember back in my 8th grade year every other weekend my uncle Earnest would come get me, my brother and my cousin Byrd my aunt's son so that we could spend the weekend at his house. He stayed in Dekalb by NIU college.

I loved to go to his house because he had a B.B. gun collection and he would take us to the woods close to his house where we would play with the B.B. guns. He taught us how to shoot properly. We would shoot birds, squirrels and rabbits. I think that's where my love and obsession for guns started. One Sunday he was taking us home. I snuck one of his guns in my bag without him noticing it. It looked and felt so real. I took the gun to school the next day to show off, which was a dumb idea. I showed all of my friends, except this one kid named Jose who I hated.

They all thought it was real. I thought I was so cool. That was until I got caught. My class was coming up stairs from lunch and I noticed the principal, my teacher, the school security guard, the assistant principal, and a few other teachers standing at the top of the stairs near my classroom. I already knew what time it was so I took off back down the stairs headed for the front door.

Before I got there though, the security guard tackled my little ass and brought me back to my class where my teacher was standing there with my bookbag in her hand. They wanted to know where the gun was because it wasn't in my bookbag. I retrieved the gun out of the coat closet in my coat pocket and gave it to them. I found out later that Jose tricked on me because I wouldn’t let him see it. I almost got expelled from school for that shit. But as usual my TT was right there.

She begged and pleaded with the school to not kick me out. She told them I was going through something with my mother and really advocated for me not to get expelled.

Eventually they let me graduate but I wasn't able to participate in any of my 8th grade activities. They just gave me my diploma, I wasn't even able to walk across the stage with my classmates.

I had to go to anger management classes on Saturday mornings and counseling class on Wednesday because of that situation and she got up and made sure I never missed a class. Man she went through more shit with me than her own son. And on top of that she still took us to Disney World that summer.

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The first high school I went to was called Best Practice. I went there my freshman and sophomore year. I got kicked out at the end of my sophomore year for getting into a fight that lead to a fight between me and the dean of the school. I met some of my best friends at Best Practice. But when I went to Crane I really turned up. All of my family went to Crane and it was just me and my brother Curtis at Best Practice so I felt right at home. I also felt kinda bad leaving my brother to go to another school.

This was the first time he and I did not attend the same school in our lives.

On the flip side Crane was right around the corner from Best Practice so we weren't far from each other. Whenever he got into a fight or some type of drama me and my cousins were right there. I used to love fighting. It was so fun to me. We used to fight each other after school and be back at school with the same people we fought the next day. Going to Crane being around all the different types of gangs and different girls made me a different person. It was like a fashion show. I started to smoke weed and drink heavily. I started selling weed too. School was a gold mine. I started ditching school going out west to hustle with my lil cousin Jack (R.I.P.).

When I wasn't ditching school or late to school I was just coming to sell weed and for the girls, or to just show off my clothes and shoes I bought from hustling.

I remember one day I got caught by one of the security guards coming into the school with 30 bags of weed. I had did it so many times before, it’s just this time I got caught. The smell of weed was so strong when I walked into the school that it made him search me.

He found my stash and gave me an ultimatum, either I could get my weed back and get suspended from school for 10 days or he could take the weed and let me go to school. I decided that he could keep the weed, I didn’t want to get suspended. I had just came back to school off a 5 day suspension. I tried to get the weed back later on that day but the guard said he disposed of it. I know he was lying. He was a young dude about 25 years old.

He probably kept it for himself. I told you earlier that I’ve always been good at school so I ended up graduating head of my class in 2004. When I graduated I was 18. As I think about it, 2004 was a huge time for me. I was emancipated out of D.C.F.S. meaning I was no longer a ward of the state and I moved out of my Aunt's house and moved into my first apartment. Make it so bad it was on the same block I used to ditch school and hustle on Springfield and Augusta. It was a 2 bedroom, basement apartment. I couldn't take myself. I had a lil chick named Ce-Ce I was messing with at the same time she was 3 years older then me and already had a 6 month old son named Man Man. I took a liking to her baby, he was innocent and I didn’t have any kids at the time so I moved them in. Now I have my own little family at 18. I was still a kid and had my own crib on the block so the nigga who block it was took a liking. He start letting me run the block. I was young and dumb and I was holding all his guns and drugs at my house. He was actually using me but I didn't care, I was checking a bag.

I was seeing more money than I have ever seen in my life. At the time the joint was doing $11,000 or $12,000 a day and that was on a bad day. And I had first dib on all the packs. If I didn't feel like hustling that day I would just oversee the block and make sure the money was right. I turned 19 and caught my first case. It was a possession that was my first time ever coming to the county jail. I sat in jail for about a month before I got probation. I guess I didn’t learn from that experience because I was right back doing the same thing. Fuck throwing rocks I was throwing boulders at the penitentiary.

It didn't take long before I got locked up again. I was addicted to the late nights, the girls, the money and all the danger that came along with selling drugs. I had a delivery this time and this time I had to sit a little longer.

I sat for about 8 months until I got 3 years at 50%. I had to do 18 months total and that was my first time going down state. I didn't know what to expect. All I know is I did the crime now I had to do the time. I came home from the joint when I was 21. I got a job and worked a while but I guess I didn't have selling drugs out of my system because I ended going back to the joint not long after.

One thing I found is that coming to jail is like a revolving door, you just keep going around and around and around. I don't know what it was about selling drugs, maybe it was the money or the lifestyle, but I just couldn't get enough. I was addicted.

It's crazy now that when I look back on my life I realize I was an addict. I was addicted to selling the same thing my mother was addicted to using all those years. Man addiction is a bitch. It doesn't matter your race, gender, or preference when it's got a hold on you it's got a hold on you. When I came home this time a lot changed. It was 2010 and I was tired of being locked up. I had spent a lot of years behind bars. It was time for me to get my shit together.

I met my baby momma Bri that same year and moved in with her. Everything was cool, I mean it wasn't what I was accustomed to but at least I was free. I also found out I had a son named Kamarion who was 5 years old that I didn't even know about. I didn't know about him because I was in and out of jail. His mother was one of the ladies I met when I was getting money.

I never really knew her like that, we just messed around once or twice. I ended up taking a DNA test and the results came back 96.6%. I was like damn where the other 3% at, but like the talk show host Maury use to say I was the father. Damn now I have a 5 year old son that I have to form a bond with. I was kinda happy though now I had a son to pour all my affection and love into. My own boy. But on the other hand I had missed so much time in his life that I had to make up for it.

I wasn't there when he was born, I didn't teach him how to walk or I wasn't there to hear him say his first words. I didn't even really know his mother. I mean we have a relationship now because of him but we never really knew each other. I know I had to make a choice then, it was either family or the streets. I chose a family, it was time for me to learn how to be a man. The key word here is learn. And the reason why I say learn how is just because you're born with a penis doesn’t make you a man. A man is defined by the way he thinks and his actions.

A real man moves a certain type of way. He takes care of his responsibilities and obligations. A man knows that the decisions he makes just don't affect him, they affect his whole support system. I had people depending on me. Now I couldn't let them down. Years flew past being free and by the time I looked up it was 2016, and I had gotten my girlfriend pregnant.

She was about to have my first baby girl. Unlike my son's mother Sidney who I wasn't there for due to me being incarcerated, I was there for my daughters mother her whole pregnancy. Every doctor's appointment and every crazy craving. We went baby shopping and planned a baby shower together. Everything that comes along with having a baby I was there for. 2017 rolled around and my baby was about to be born.

And one of the most traumatic things that could happen to me happened.

My little sister Jada and her friend were in a fatal car accident. My heart was crushed.

My mother’s only daughter was gone. I was devastated. It was like God was playing a cruel trick on me. He had taken one of the only woman I ever really loved and cared about away from me. I was angry at God for taking her away from us like that, and angry at myself for not being there for her when she needed me the most.

My baby was born a few months later. It was like he took the love I had from me and replaced it with something else for me to love. We named my baby Ava-Jada after my sister. I just really wish she would have had a chance to hug and kiss my baby, play with her and do her nails. When Ava was born it really changed me. I knew I had to get my life in order if I wanted to be there for her and in her life. Me signing the birth certificate was one of the proudest moments in my life. I was in love. Have you ever heard of love at first sight? Well this was it, love at first sight.

I didn't grow up in a two parent household. I at least wanted my baby to have that. I guess that wasn't in God's plans because we split up in 2020 after 10 long years, and even though me and her mother are no longer together I have never missed a special moment. Not a Christmas, not a birthday. I moved on in my life and met the woman I think I'm going to marry and settle down with. Her name is Brianna. I also made her the mother of my second daughter Deanna.

That's my stanky mama. She was born on May 8, 2022 on mother’s day out of all my children she is the only one with my last name. I really think meeting this girl has made my life come full circle. The way she shows and lets me know she loves me is mind blowing. This lady accepts me for who I am, flaws and all. She loves my kids as if she birthed them herself. I don't know how but she’s so mature for her age being that she is only 25 and Im 37.

I was infatuated with everything about her. The way she looked the way she smelled, even the way she cried. I remember some days I would just sit and watch her sleep. A month or so after she was born her mother wanted to start back hanging out with her friends and drinking and doing whatever it is young females do to have fun; and I was cool with that. I mean she did just carry a whole baby for 9 months and go through a painful childbirth. So I would let her go hang out with her friends and drink and party.

You know, have fun. And I would keep the baby. I never considered it a baby sitting because she was my own baby. You babysit other people's children, you raise yours. It was like I took on the role of the mother and she did all the nigga shit.

Eventually our relationship started to gro w apart. There was a complete lack of communication. We argued a lot and che ated on each other among other things.

I actually stayed in the relationship long er than I should have just because I wanted to be in my daughter's life. I love Ava so much that I actually let her put me through more than I should have allo wed as a man.

I have always thought that being with someone was all about the way a woman looked or the way they make you feel sexually. But the older I get, I realize that being with someone is all about compatibility. In a relationship, you have to be compatible. You have to have things in common. Briana and I have so much in common, it’s like she could reach my mind.

It’s just something about her. It’s like she has my best interest at hand. I ain’t gon lie, it’s like I’m addicted to her. I ain’t gon lie, addiction is a bitch when it’s got a hold of you…it’s got a hold of you.

Dennis (Breed) Roach I Am From I am from Da Ville to Rockwell, Lawndale to Da-K I’m from 18 and Oakley, where we played ball all day I’m from Mommie’s house, where we all meet to eat Cornbread and cabbage or just bread and meat I’m from cold summer nights, and hot winter days Cause them transformers riding but I still gotta get paid I’m from anger management to keep DCFS people happy And from sisterly love and helping her when she was down And from “Yeah Dennis is smart but I think he’s just acting out” And from what time I tell yo ass to be in this house I am from where God is good all the time and all the time God is good I’m from the the Westside, the best side of Chicago From baked macaroni and cheese and collard greens and ham hocks and black eyed peas I’m from Jack and Goo cause they come from me To Rockford when I lived with Boogie and P I am from Katherine Roach, yup I love my OG I am from the hood my boy, and you can’t take the hood outta me

Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb Copyright

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