I Lost, and Found Me
Michael Hicks
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive self-projection to author new life narratives.
Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.
While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.
This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.
I Lost, and Found Me
Michael Hicks
Sitting here in this all-so-familiar county jail cell, feeling hopeless and lost. The only thing I can think about at this moment, as I wait for the dayroom, is all the nonsense I put myself and family through over the years.
Disappointment eventually starts to set in with a little bit of shame. Damn, not being able to even see the sunrise through these foggy windows is so depressing, to say the least.
The air is thick here with body odor from a complete stranger, that you ’ re forced to share a cell with, filling the room. It makes me sick to my stomach. It seems as if fresh air is a luxury or a privilege that I haven't earned yet.
“This can’t be life how I imagined. Something has to give,” I thought to myself. Moments after, the doors were opened for the dayroom. “Finally,” I said to myself. I went and sat in the dayroom at a table, typically staying to myself, when I saw a quote that a detainee wrote on the back of his t-shirt as he walked past. It stated, “You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.”
That quote was inspiringand thefirst timeI everheard such a quote. It was powerful and itdefinitelygrabbed myattention.
I instantly jumped up and got on the phone and called a dear friend of mine whose opinion I cherish dearly. I shared with that person some of my deepest thoughts on how disgusted I was with myself, from being back in jail, letting my loved ones down, and all the resentment I didn’t realize I was holding on to.
Andso,Iwasinspiredbythatsamefriendtotakethistimeandgettoknowmyself,andifI didn’tknowmyself,tofindmyself.Atthatmomentitcametome.Thishastobemymomentof clarity,myturnaroundpoint.Acompleteomeninmyeyes.
I took a moment and asked myself, if I had a chance to say anything to the old me, ‘cause change is coming, what would it be and why? So I grabbed my pen and pad and started writing,blocking out everything around me…
Ihavesomewisewordsforyoutothinkabout.Yeah,you!Becausethetodaymewas lefttocleanupalotofmessthatyesterdayyoucreated.
Honestly,ithurts toknow all the pain you cause,due to your selfish ways. You took us through so much and made uslook sobad on several occasions that Iknow you’re truly not proud of.
You forced yourself to do things you didn’t really want to do as a youth, such as drugs and alcohol, and it only showed me the lack of love and respect you actually had for yourself because of peer pressure.
The irrational decisions you made throughout it all, was from you trying to be something that you know you weren’t from the start. It was out of complete ignorance of self, if you asked me today.
The embarrassment, dishonesty, disloyalty, and disrespect was all on you. This was not because of me but because of you, period. You really had some stubborn ways and it showed, especially when you were told not to do something but you did it anyway, just being hard-headed.
You went through a lot, and I agree. From running the streets at thirteen, to being a victim of gun violence at fourteen, to also spending the majority of your life in prison for murder at fifteen. Losing your grandmother, your mother, your father, and your oldest sister, all while in jail serving a fifty year sentence, to getting out and going back, not once but twice.
You never incorporated a plan, not once. You just wanted out each time and it showed. What was the sense of that, when you owe yourself so much more?
Ultimately, there comes a time in your life where you have to look yourself in the mirror and say enough is enough. Enough of being rebellious, deceitful, ungrateful, dishonest, and disloyal to yourself. Enough of thinking with a criminal mindset. Enough of trying to impress people who mean you no good. Enough of hurting the people you say you love the most. And most of all, enough of hurting yourself in the process, ‘ cause trust and believe that things could have been and could be worse.
However, you never took heed to advice from people who actually care about you and that was a complete flaw. A flaw that could potentially cost you everything. It only takes one mistake to lose it all.
Accountability in my opinion, is the ability to take ownership for self, something that a lot of people struggle with and we all been lost before.
Furthermore,you alsohadthese cheatingwaysthat could neverbejustifiedbysimple excuses, ‘causein allhonestyI wastoldthathurt peopletendtohurtthe peopletheylovethe most. No one would understandthat more clearlythan you.
It’s true, ‘cause now I realize that you were the one who was actually hurting on the inside.
At some point though, change has to begin. So, why not now? You felt sorry for yourself for too damn long. I understand you ’ re tired and feel alone. I also know that people have the ability to change the status quo of what people perceive them to be as well. And for those reasons alone, it’s time to take life more seriously and change the way you think overall before it’s too late.
The time is now. Therefore, moving forward, just know that you got us this far and I’m not upset with you at all, ‘ cause to know you is to know myself.
Now, it’s on me to take us even further with a new outlook on life, a new perspective. A new look on what
self-love is all about.
In closing, being so educated but lacking so much knowledge of what it truly means to be free, realizing that you had to lose three times in order to find me.
Michael Hicks
Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb
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