Marcus Todd
The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive self-projection to author new life narratives.
Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.
While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.
This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.
Marcus Todd Emotionally Immature
One day I had a heated argument with the mother of my child, and in the midst of our bickering, she said I didn’t care about her emotionally and mentally.
I asked her how could that be? I always made sure she didn’t need anything and everything she wanted, I got her! She said that’s caring about her as a person, that’s not caring about her mentality.
I became angrier and wanted this argument to end ASAP because nothing she was saying was registering in my head. I did the things I did because I thought it made her happy. I thought making someone smile was caring for them emotionally and mentally.
Then she called me emotionally immature because I wanted the argument to end so I would stop talking and just say, “yeah you right, everything is my fault,” then go smoke to calm down.
I didn't feel I was emotionally immature because I wanted to remove myself from a situation I didn't want to be in anymore and using weed and active silence was a coping method when I was angry. I didn't feel there was a problem with pushing things to the back of my mind when I didn't want to deal with it anymore.
How was I supposed to become this sympathetic person and have so much empathy at the flip of a switch? I didn’t know how to tap into these emotions.
I don’t hug anyone when they’re crying because it doesn’t feel right and I never know what to say when someone is sad. Looking back at some things, I wasn’t picked for Adidas flag football team because I wasn’t energetic enough for the camera. The flipping and dancing after every play just wasn’t my style.
Not too long ago, I received some bad news that my friend would be pleading guilty to his case, and taking 30 years. I laughed on the outside, but cried inside. I’m in the same situation he was. How could I possibly laugh at that?
My brother was dying from cancer in his home and I was a few blocks away from his home buying weed. Something told me to go see him, but I didn’t listen. I told myself he will live and I will go see him tomorrow. Instead tomorrow came for me, but not for him. All I felt was guilt, but I didn’t cry until his funeral and after. How could I not be there for him?
I was using my mother's car and didn't want to hear her on the phone asking where her car was even though she would be fine once I told her I was with my bro. Instead tomorrow came for me, but not for him. All I felt was guilt, how could I not be there for him when I knew he would be by my side. I didn't cry until his funeral once I saw him resting.
Now I sit in jail missing my son. I've been away from him for 2 years, but he acts as if we haven't missed a day together when he comes to see me. Inside, I'm hurting so much because I hate watching my son grow through pictures. I want to be there raising him every day, watching him learn new things every day and develop his personality. When I’m thinking about my son, it makes me want to cry. My eyes water, but my tears won't escape.
Everyone says I need to go to therapy and I don’t have healthy coping mechanisms. I’ve become used to suppressing my emotions. I recall the day I was being spanked and was told to stop crying while receiving my whooping. I actually sat there getting whooped silently and felt I just achieved something.
My first time trying therapy was freshman year of high school. I walked into my technology class and lashed out, breaking the desktop by slamming the keyboard through the screen. I was sent to a psychiatrist / therapist instead of the dean because my teacher liked me and knew there was something wrong mentally. I talked to the therapist and she came to the conclusion my anger was from pent-up emotions.
The therapist recommended a second session so I came during lunch sitting in the sunken chair telling her my life story and how I wake up mad and can become angry while doing absolutely nothing. After that session, she recommended my parents info and tried to prescribe me psych meds. At that point, I felt like she was trying to say I was mentally ill and I made the decision I never wanted to go to therapy again.
My second time trying therapy was in jail. I told the therapist about my nightmares and all the trauma I’ve been through since I was a kid. The therapist told me I have a little person in my head that needs to be heard, or something like that, but overall I will be fine. The next day medication came to the tier, and my name was called. She had prescribed me sleeping and antidepressant meds.
See, after attempting to get help and getting treated like such, I decided maybe I can do better by helping myself. How can someone tell me my coping methods are unhealthy because it’s not on the therapist list of healthy coping methods? We are all unique right, so I’m going to do what’s best for me.
I will start with my best coping method for when I’m becoming irritable or angry. I will remove myself from the situation, give myself time to calm down and think, but not too long. I could control my thoughts, so I will think my way out of any situation I’m in. If I’m mad, I sit down. If I’m still mad, I lay down, if I’m still mad, I pray then I exercise.
I understand that keeping emotions inside is very unhealthy. It can lead to unanswered anger and suicidal thoughts. It also may lead to the ones you love leaving and later on, you may regret it.
I assess my problems, big and little. I’ll let them go because most of them come from the past, and there is no way of changing the past, but holding onto it will affect my future. Now I live, learn and let go. I didn’t need therapy. I needed time to myself. I had to choose if I was going to be my lower, depressed, always angry self or if was I going to be my high, joyful, enlightened self. I choose the latter.
I Am From
I am Him
I am That
I am Muslim
I am God Fearing
I am God Conscious
I am an Engineer
I am an Entrepreneur
I am going to be free
I am a Father
I am a Provider
I am a Protector
I am
Marcus Todd
Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb
