Decisions by Adam Flores

Adam Flores

Decisions

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds,,expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.

Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.

While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.

This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.

Decisions Adam Flores

My first day out of Graham Correctional Center was one of the best days of my life.

I met my son for the first time and it changed the way I thought forever. It also changed the way I lived.

It was the end of December and I missed his first holiday season which made me feel like shit. I’m not gonna lie, I didn't really know what it was to be a father.

In my head giving the mother of my child money and seeing him once a week was enough.

But you shouldn’t just do “enough” for your children, you should go above and beyond.

Sometimes I look at being incarcerated as a blessing because I’m seeing what I was doing wrong and what I need to change.

When my children get older I want them to look at me and be proud that I’m their father. I missed out on a lot of my first son's life and all of my second son's life because I am incarcerated.

That is easily the bigg est regret I have in lif e. Gianna (my 2nd bm a jail so I can meet hi ) had to bring my son m and the first time I to ever held my son I was instead of gloves and wearing cuffs and do a gown. cs

Monica (my first bm) brings my son up here and he doesn’t even let me hold him anymore and that hurts a lot. All of this is very sad and depressing but it also motivates me to start changing while I’m in here so I can get out and be a successful father.

I obtained my high school diploma and started taking college credit classes while incarcerated.

Like I said before this is a blessing because being Incarcerated changed me by helping me see what I was doing wrong.

giving her Mrs. Griffin who’s ac te y m et m I ed at While incarcer colleges. g me with applying to in lp he d an ny pa m co

me a job at her deliv

ery

I hope for the day I’m released so I can provide for my children and make them proud. I’ve missed out on enough of their life already.

Once I’m home I won’t ever jeopardize my time with them again. Not only did I leave 2 boys, I left 2 young women to do everything themselves and I feel like less of a man.

This isn’t something you can just say sorry about and it definitely not something you can commence from a cell.

Coming home and going to work and school everyday spending the rest of my time with them won’t even make up for it.

But at least I’d know I’ll never put any of them through that again and I’ll have figured out what I’m supposed to.

Whenever I ta

n hears my voice he lk to Monica and my so

says dad in a curious

voice.

Hearing him say dad and recognize my voice puts a genuine smile on my face and brightens my mood.

At least I know he still knows who I am. I sit and talk to him and he babbles away saying a word here and there. I’m excited for him to start talking so we can have full conversations on the subfloor so he can tell me what’s wrong when he’s crying.

Every time I hear his voice I da ydream about being out and go ing to the park with him and Lorenzo playing and eatin g ice cream.

Being in here has made me start to hate myself because I was choosing partying, girls, and the streets over my kids. My second son wasn’t born yet but my girlfriend was pregnant and I’d go out and leave her at home by herself which isn’t right.

Everything I do when I get out is gonna be better for mine and my children’s life.

A close friend told me that I’m evil when I’m selfish and that hit me kind of hard. Ever since then, I have been trying my hardest to give up all my selfish ways.

Since I started to hate how I was, I began to recreate myself I guess you can say. My biggest mistakes are gonna be what’s going to make me successful and a great father.

Adam Flores

Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb Copyright

2023 ConTextos