Am I A Good Father?

Am I A Good Father?

Carl Simmons

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people who are at risk of, victims of or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017, this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high-quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.

Since January 2017, ConTextos has collaborated with the Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Division X of Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narrative about violence and peace-building, and help author a hopeful future for these men, their families, and our collective communities.

While each memoir's text is solely the work of the Author, the images used to create this book's illustrations have been sourced from various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering, and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into fully illustrated books.

In collaboration with

Am I A Good Father?

Carl Simmons

I grew up on the westside of Chicago, five kids in the house, with Auntie and grandparents. I come from a Simmons bloodline where my father wasn’t there. And his father wasn’t in his life.

I swore to be a better father, to stop that deadbeat shit.

Am I a good father?

I had my first baby November 22, 2014 at the age of 20. I still ran the streets to get money for my child. Am I a good father? I worked some jobs (temp), left my baby in the house with her mother most of the time to chase money. But sometimes just to be in the streets, to be in the lifestyle.

yes. in my e d g i b is mily her an use. Fa y older brot s. So I o h ? ’ r s e r ath othe babie hen m good f s and M rowing up w house since t n e r Am I a a ily. G randp same r my G ow their fam w up in the e v o s s kn abie ll gre g my b hat my babie m, yet we a ew them. in r b s e y t th y kn I alwa rtant to me ely saw e whole famil r a o b p I , th It’s im had babies babies s d a in h s I u co hen sure w made

I rem em and b ber one d o a my b ught me a y I was st abies a over m car. The s ying in Be becau t llw u se I k y Mo ther’s ff I was do ood and eep t hem aroun house. M ing was cr I just came y Mo d her ther i azy but th up on so . s clos m is ests t day I wa e money s chil o my in the lin babie s than . I decide streets d my B rothe to take rs kid s

I was driving from Bellwood. I was coming down St Charles. I was at the light on 5th headed west. My phone rings.“Yo,” I say.

“WYA, Big C?”

I already know w ho this is: one of my close friends Charles. What’s , Drew. “I’m ridin the word?” I say. g down St.

“Shit, I’m with ya

boy, then we finna

buss some moves

. WYA?” Drew sa

ys.

“I ain’t on shit. I got my family with me.” I was drivin my two babies in g my girl in the pa the back seat. ssenger seat an

d

“Aww, shit, we on one,”

says Drew.

“Ight, yall be smooth.

“Ight, broski,” says Dr

ew, then hangs up.

HTL later.” I say.

Later t his P hat day, I’ S4. M m at m y the h ouse babies a y Mother re run ’s hou when n s my c ell be ing aroun e playing d the eps.

2 hous k with my e follo l wing ittle broth I pau er m y mo s ther t on Bm. e the ga hroug I ope m h n the e and lo ok a mes t my sage p and it sa hone. It' ys, s my FB m esse nger . It’s Drew ’s “Hav e you heard from Drew ?”

When and I I read this k I my fa new it wa say Aw, h s ove mily t ell na r. oday w ou saved I found o t ut Dr loud. I te me. ew an ll d the my broth e m we nt to r to hold o jail. I knew n. I blow h i right then s line up being with

s?

et tre s he d t ss. e v ra ele ill c st car t s I ju hile I was w y ld chi uld sa a o e hav me w I o d i e. S yd Wh gnitud ma

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hild’s nd my c a e M .

1 the at age 2 rking at 5, 2016 o 1 w h c s r a a w g back M I aughter ent and rted fallin d ta tm d r s n a y o p ll c a a e my s ad the . I actu er? I had after that. We h me to my family th fa d o o o K going h Am I a g lly was doing O ing and k a r e r o r w e s th a mo .Iw ick Place McCorm eets. str from the

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g , bein babies s t r y a m gc arin ome to e h g, th atin t to ge e w ai ,s king Can’t w yself. r o w m n r. lace is ove ght to I ca to P . u k o g sh ork tho mic e to we ru seat Cor go. W chill, I v c a s h k to d eM we eard a e bac t th s time oke an e a s g m ll I h n th wa sm wa ellin t is a I sit i seat.

6: I nd. It o eat, t 1 , 0 o r g s ait t 7, 2 arou ryin got sh rself a senge c r Nov ed all Can’t w s he the h pa sin mo y cou ing to n the pus amily. y f cry ’s i em .M my I se rong other s, she , t w m ou ve ck g was ar my er dri e h he thin fath to c all some n still step h e y a s n th h eye est I c hile m w o e w r. W g d ddis lkin er re e driv harge a W in h n th e C see car. O Dodg the er red of h

r, e ca h t t exi as I grease nd n o sou s so , old e, a grease but no ely s u ell rem s ho on, her’ in I sm rner is e is ext t o dm us ep co gran as I st t in the The ho y hm gh oon ng. roac d. As s o my ri es, cryi p p t ea ch en ene As w s happ at scre the cou . n i s a he fl e of cou st h y lil he wor oking. T s on on m it T o t’s Tha feel it. was c e Sue s i e … t n I ca omeon y Aun s home i s M . e e t lik es ou eryon com , but ev h. t oug quie r h t pull tter e b he k is n i h t can All I .

ody

We

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mother to om following my ro nt fro e th ss I bypa s. me the bad new grandmother tells My baby cousin

my grandmother’s

room. My

is gone. om. I

usin upstairs in the ro

hers and my other co is broke. I see his brot

heart I try to be strong but my g. yin cr p sto to s you. Don’t do tell his brother me, “Your family need ls tel d an me ps sto ie use, my Aunt On my way out the ho anything crazy.”

d walk out.

I just shake my head an

After that day I was threw off track. I couldn’t stay in the house. I felt like I caused this. My cousin grew up seeing me live the lifestyle. I felt like I just left them, left the lifestyle to be a father. Even though I knew being with my family was right, the streets got me all in.

I swore to break the cycle of not being there for my kids, and in a way I did. I was there on my baby’s birthday. I was there when both were born. I went to sleep and woke up with them. I made sure they felt my love.

d father?

But am I a goo

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After my cousin

ay.

k in the worst w

w me off trac eath I let it thro

en?

tting that happ

ther for le Am I a good fa

I remember after the funeral, I couldn’t sit down. I was doing things just to stay busy.

Running around selling weed, trying to get my lil money up. I stopped going to work. I felt like everytime I went to work something bad was going to happen. Being in the house with my babies and their mother. Just thinking-

“I have to do something,

I can’t continue to sit here, feeling like I’m hiding”- I thought.

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y ut m of o M ab nt el ed y poi real. e f s u r f m s to con from ing fo y l eed l k n on e lac nta t.

Me going was eon h . g t m u s ”I se “So tho ind at wa this? y m a h e yd ke yon ow w get li ver r e is e y ev y I kn id it . Th ss. I k s sm c l s d a lo w On ow ine il. a fu ent bus to ja r ith king. as “h e f w e dif w . hed ent hin ft m Not t ught s a nfinis 1, I w rison e a l p w o . u n is d in ed hit I th usi t th lt I ha r turn nths Co oing s ut all u y b o , fe te b m d sed im. I augh r 14 m ng e to way, i u s f h m fo td on k st f lo d c d too nges gone n o . Lead he be i n a a u p n s t e o st hur God a my y . I wa The t mov t wa u o r 7 a y te ed 01 nex . Th ave play nth af l 3, 2 g. w e l e i i n e v can eon A mo til Apr ginni e m . n e n o b u im So ved use. for h girls in the o l y a k c c m fa ne s o atural et ba from s go s o a g l n y w o The n’t a ded t awa ther n s a wa I nee r bee my f felt neve e way I’ve sam The in ym

ain

p my

Am I a good father? Through that time I thought a lot of my father. Being in jail just thinking will have you remembering shit.

other My father's side of the family really stayed in Mississippi. I remember visiting almost every great summer or at least every few years. I remember being real young and being around my Wendy grandparents. From my young point of view it was always fun. Being around my Auntie and my Grandmother Linda. I loved being around them.

out My Father use to have us in the trailer house. Me and my Brother use to sleep on the let all our around be to use We toilet. the out hopping couch in the front room. I remember lil frogs boys.

Mitch’s us family. The whole Facon, Mississippi was our family. Most called

nown e was k d H . ” m e ie ig Hurt’ I wasn’t worr B “ d e ll . r be ca tecto r use to ther as my pro es. e h t a F y Fa w my my ey bout ho ys looked at m r changed in a s u ll e e a t ok nev use to I’ve alw People g niggas, lol. nd him. That lo u tin for bea one being aro y n about a

ent apartm m o o r d 2 be wn, father’s rother Masha e y m in b I was little hell. W ksdale). hters and my 15, skinny as r la s in (C i g as sipp nd I wa . dau w a is r y s l, e b is a h a t u b M o s y br ame as u f 2008 l and her two ll, and m hot af outside ong was the g e mmer o ir h u g s s a is s t h a K ey It w was with 13, fa or Donk shared is day it . I was that he t that summer hicago. On th endo. Aladdin C e int who I m est two from g my Dad’s N ld in o y l pla are the as usua e s u o h the

er ga vin broth a y y rh he d m on. M er t a f th an my Me game y fa like d .

M be e et an er ure s ith th p on. e to h t it m w ro to y b e furn uch tank ng ca m o i c nd e, th iec s m s 3 p long rts a every a e i w o . It h of h t of th all sh how g s n i c lay cou n fron sketb ling u p as ba tel ng si I w he lo V wa ead, was e on n t e T s h he ich sat o d th on hi ause h n w r er athe ch a rows bec b u f em My ) co corn mind m e m r is n. is n’t satio ediu ith h on h o I d ver e (m re w this n co on th t the had sat er sa been h fat st’ve mu ‌ s thi

ecause me nts got you b

randpare ying, “Your g sa y b ff o d e rt He sta t in our lives.” a bad momen

er was at

and your moth

our give us to “I was in to s rt u o c . e ning close He told th te . s n li o s t, ri ie p u q court from we just sat there e went to h this, e m ld to telling us s a w e My father h nts. While e,” my father said. grandpare am g to my n jail, nothin for y’all.” was best t a h w id d time. So I bs at the jo d o o g had ndparents “Your gra

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said.

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When he was finishing, me and my Brother were really just shaking our heads up and dow n. We wasn’t going to say anything crazy, even if we wanted to, because we respected our Fath er and he would whoop our Butts if we said somethin g crazy. Even though I really don’t remembe r him ever doing it. I didn’t know this conversation wou ld stick with me for the future.

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Am old I a ab est b good ou t C aby’ fath hu s b er? ir ck E. thda I wa Ch y p s o ee se arty ut 6 m He sin for ce her onth to r Mo s Ic do the am 4th b taki , it r e h irth ng ’s h sai om da car er d, “ e y. e. bir No My of m thd , s Old y b ay he .” es abi no t D es tg au . I oin gh eve Als gt ter n h o e ba , I As thre re. by be h ” a en Bu . nti w m tI go tal wa ke y ne Th d s s oa like dic e da t , tha “If on e an y we tp tha ce dm w o t’s int we wh y l as g I wo go il h oin at u t to om g, sh ld’ ew ve My Ch ie Q my an d u B b i u da ck t ga ab an ab m ny E. jus y M aro es, ies A t C hin he t qu om un sh sh gf es ’s d u oo an i t or e c on nti ting ti a . o my us n l s m d t e, in g he he A d s o I ave an wat dy d h er so wa us n er gu sk a sis n a was ind rid ter t th co of e. I we e t min ble wa re arg g a w. s ju tire et r o I s st d. . I g und ho sh ot . ok oo I the st tha ting m aye to piz d c ff za los to e t ea t. I o the let m, Sh pla an ti r ying un

B Sh y th e ee sa n id d , “ of Ye th s, e n Da ig dd ht, y, I g I h ot ad m fu y b n. ab ” A ie tt ss ha om tp e oi ch nt o th co at la ’s te al an lt d ha c t m hip at s. te I a re sk d. e

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I to an ok b d A ot dd h m yw y as bab aN yg Th inj irls a. lik ey It w (Ash e t as k ha as anti t a me 20 an ny “W 18 d A wa h Ha dd llo ys ere we yson . ’s en ) tr yo .I i ur too ck o co k t r tre stu he m m ating e? in ”I Oa . Sha pu k P nt to ark i wa n , lo s a m l.

Do ys cto ki r m as k.

If elt m or ec om fo rta ble

I got my homie Ze llo to drop us off.

When he pulled Ashanti had her off, I realized I di book bag, so I lo dn’t get them ba oked in it and sa the top off and w gs. My Baby w a plastic container e made it work. for some markers . I ripped

Everytime it got full I du mped all the candy in the bookbag. It got dark an they have enough? They d I asked my Babies did were tired, so I called ou r ride. It was just me and and daughters time. They my Babies. Daddy enjoyed themselves so much. My babies alway without asking. s tell me they love me

But am I a good father? I remember going to jail that first time. On my first visit away, me and my children and their mother cried because we knew we were going to be separated from them for 14 months.

Am I a good father? My kids know how much I love them.

But the streets and prison are corrupting me.

So I ask myself: Am I a good father? I still talk to them and talk about their days at school. But I am out of their lives physically. Am I a good father?

"The single story creates stereotypes, and the problem with stereotypes is not that they are untrue, but that they are incomplete.

They make one story become the only story.�

- Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

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