Break the Cycle by A. Gonzalez

A. Gonzalez

Break the Cycle

Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds,,expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive selfprojection to author new life narratives.

Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.

While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the image used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.

This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.

Break the Cycle A. Gonzalez

Growing up we watch our parents do things and try to mimic what they do.

But they always tell us don't do what we do. Be better or they say things like I'm only telling you this because I've been through it all.

And seen it all. As kids we sit there and tell ourselves “yeah yeah,” whatever, only if you knew or here we go with this again or you always got that drunk uncle who when they’re tipsy wants to tell you stories of the past, and be like I only want the best for you or something along those lines.

But the whole time we're listening like damn I can't wait to do those things. It's funny but it's true. It's crazy. I'd be listening to my dad's or uncles or even my aunt's old gang war stories and it would excite the hell out of me. “Like, wow. They were shooting at you, or damn, y'all was shooting at them, or damn, it was a rumble in the middle of the street.”

They will make it sound so fun, then be like, “yeah, but you can't do that.

We want better for you. Finish school and become someone.” Really? You guys just don't want us having fun, is what I thought. And me and my cousins would plot on what gang to join or what uncle or cousin we wanted to be like the most.

We would hear stories of them going out partying or getting fucked up and going to the lake front or go looking for trouble and we would be hanging off every word until the story was done. They will start looking at us and be like but “yeah, that's not for you guys. Don't be like us, be better.”

Once they started saying s*** like that we would walk away. Then we would hear them laughing About how crazy and how much fun they had. I remember hearing something about kids being like sponges, how we absorb everything. Damn, how true that is. And now that I'm older, I wish I would have listened, but damn as a kid they made it sound so fun.

There's an expression called jumping off the porch when talking about younger guys just starting to get involved with the street life. But damn that was an understatement for me. I jumped out of the plane with no parachute and hit the ground running.

I had uncles and cousins whose names ring bells in the streets, I had big shoes to fill.

I was wild. I thought I was bulletproof. I'd get into all kinds of stuff and then be right back on the block hustlin’.

Some of the guys would be mad at me for some of the stuff I did, but others would be like, “what the f*** you mean. Shorty's handling business let him be.”

So not to hear s*** I just went and got my own guns. No one could tell me s*** after that. I was doing this everyday.

I started hanging out with the guys around 96-97. But 2002 to 2013 I was in the s*** full fledged. If you wanted to find me just come down the block, you'll find me.

My family would try preaching to me. I wasn't trying to hear it. All I cared about was the block, making money and chasing girls. I got locked up a few times, and it was usually just overnight. I thought that this was going to be my life.

That either I would be on the Block forever or died on the streets. I didn't see no future. I didn't care about s***.

Things started getting real f***** up for us on the Block. 2005 we got hit by the feds. They were doing surveillance on us, phone taps all kinds of s***. One of the folks from Humboldt Park became a federal informant and sent them our way. Seven of the guys were indicted and s*** started falling apart. ‘07 they came again, this time over 50 of the guys from different sets and the whole committee were taken down. It was called Operation Broken Fork.

After that we were dismantled. Everyone was all over the place. Now I started remembering what everyone told me when I was younger. About wanting better for us. That this life wasn't for us. When they told them stories we used to glamorize, they never talked about the Betrayal or backstabbing that also came with it. The MFS you think are your brothers will flip on you in an instant.

I was lost wondering what's next, is this it for me, is this my life? I started realizing man I love the block, the hood, the camaraderie you build with the guys, but that s*** started changing and so do people. Most of my guys in my circle were Locked Up or On the Run, a handful dead. And the MFS left out there or the new guys weren't my guys, so s*** wasn't the same no more.

‘08 I woke up one day and just wanted something different. So I packed up and moved to Milwaukee with my dad. That s*** ain't last long. I missed home, I missed the hood. Within months I was back home doing the same s***. The month back home I got into a shootout after I unloaded the clip and took off running the f****** police surrounded me and locked me up and charged me with an aggravated discharge. I did 3 months and was let out on intensive gang probation. I was on a 7 to 7 curfew. I had to sit my ass down for a little bit.

I ended up getting a job but still hustling but I fell back from hanging out everyday.

2009 things started to change for me. I met a girl and she got pregnant.

We got a place, things were going pretty good. I lost my job. Couple weeks after one of my close friends got released from jail after doing 4 years fighting an attempt. He beat it. He came by to see me with another close friend who wasn't locked up but just been out the way, making big moves, hustling.

We talked for a while. He asked if I wanted to make some money? Of course. Next day he drops me off 5 lb, tells me he wanted 1,200 a piece. If I can flip those, there's a lot more.

I took off selling oz’s at 300. When everyone else was charging 400, $350 so I was booming, money was coming in faster than I could count. I went from selling 5 lb a week to selling 20 week. I was selling over two to three pounds a day and never sold anything but 8th’s to ounces. Nothing bigger. I broke it all down to make the most so every time my phone rang it was either 50 minimum to 300 and my phone was booming. I was driving so much, doing deliveries. I will sometimes have to fill my gas tank twice a day. I probably slept 4 hours a day if that s*** didn't stop. I tried Coke a few times before all this but now I was doing coke just to stay up. Along with the 20 lb, I was getting a four and a split of Coke straight fish scale and I was only paying $600 a zip selling them for $900 so I will bag up the Zips of coke and keep the split for personal use.

6 months after the plug gets popped off, the police were on my ass pulling me over every day, harassing me. I was hot. Baby mama was 7 months pregnant and I wanted to be around for my kid to be born so we packed up and went back to Wisconsin.

My son was born and I remember holding this lil thing and looking at him like wow, I created this lil’ life. I am responsible for this lil’ thing. I felt like I wanted and was ready for a change, but I wasn’t. I was still one foot in and one foot out of the life.

It wasn’t until my second child was born. I don’t know what it is about little girls but goddamn they steal your heart. Don't get me wrong, I love my boys, I love my kids all equally, but little girls steal a father’s heart.

After my daughter, my second child was born, I was really trying to change and do better and for a while I was doing really good.

I was working sometimes 2 jobs. I had 2 more kids, 4 total, 3 from one mother and 1 with a different woman. It didn’t work out with my kids' moms but I was still a full time dad and always with my kids, fishing, camping, just doing things. Talking with them, things a parent is supposed to do. My youngest was a year and a half but my others were old enough to remember. Then came the fuck up.

I did something stupid and landed in jail for 3 years. Man the hardest part was being away from my kids, them visiting me and watching them grow from behind glass. Not being able to hold them or hug them was torture.

Them crying, telling me they needed me, hurt so much. Man those were hard moments.

I was released after 3 years and was doing pretty good working 2 jobs staying out of trouble, enjoying spending time with my kids doing the family thing. Fishing with my girls, camping, swimming, vacations. We were having a blast.

I was out almost 4 years and fucked up and I’m back in jail again and sitting here remembering when I was young and how I thought all the shit I seen and glamorized was the norm. Do my kids look at me in and out of jail?

Are they thinking this is the norm cuz it’s not. I got to break this cycle and start setting a better example becuz I’d hate for my child to be in my shoes one day becuz they thought it was the norm to be in and out of jail.

I would hate to have to come visit my child in this place.

I’m not a bad father, I just do dumb shit at times to land me in this place. I got to stop doing dumb shit becuz just how I glamorized what my parents did, my kids can be looking at me the way I looked at my parents and think this is normal. It’s not. It’s time to break the cycle.

Hard moments I never wanted to experience or put my kids through again.

But here I am again kicking myself.

Having to parent through the phone is not a life I want for me or my children. This isn’t the norm. I want better for myself. I want better for my kids.

And it all starts with me. I should have listened when I was a kid but I didn't. So I learned the hard way but my kids don't have to learn the hard way. And that falls on me. To teach them. glorifying the life we once lived and doing foolish things in front of our children doesn't help. It's time to break the cycle, it's time for a change. Our children need us.

A. Gonzalez I Am From I am from Harding & Cortland, The Hermosa Park Neighborhood.

From Mozart Park and Dino & Nick's Pizzeria.

I am from Grandma’s big bungalow house with iron gates, A huge porch full of neighbors I’m from Nadine and Juan.

From Chicago Cubs baseball games And from be loud and speaking your mind, I’m from “Don’t be like me, be better,” And from “Everything you do is just a rewind of what we did.”

I’m from Chicago Norwegian Hospital.

From arroz con gandules, pork chops, steaks, baked potatoes, and ice cold Pepsi.

From Victor Velez.

I am from Chicago where crosstown rivalries are not just baseball games.

Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb Copyright

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