A Man with Feelings by Antoine Perteet

Antoine Perteet

The ConTextos Authors Circle was developed in collaboration with young people at-risk of, victims of, or perpetrators of violence in El Salvador. In 2017 this innovative program expanded into Chicago to create tangible, high quality opportunities that nourish the minds, expand the voices and share the personal truths of individuals who have long been underserved and underestimated. Through the process of drafting, revising and publishing memoirs, participants develop self-reflection, critical thinking, camaraderie and positive self-projection to author new life narratives.

Since January 2017 ConTextos has partnered with Cook County Sheriff's Office to implement Authors Circle in Cook County Department of Corrections as part of a vision for reform that recognizes the value of mental health, rehabilitation and reflection. These powerful memoirs complicate the narratives of violence and peace building, and help author a hopeful future for human beings behind walls, their families and our collective communities.

While each author’s text is solely the work of the Author, the images used to create this book’s illustrations have been sourced by various print publications. Authors curate these images and then, using only their hands, manipulate the images through tearing, folding, layering and careful positioning. By applying these collage techniques, Authors transform their written memoirs into illustrated books.

This project is being supported, in whole or in part, by federal award number ALN 21.027 awarded to Cook County by the U.S. Department of the Treasury.

A Man with Feelings Antoine Perteet

I was born June 7 to Alicia and Anthony. Growing up was fun. I was able to be a kid, playing in dirt, eating off the ground and just being able to go outside but something was still missing.

Was there ever a time in your life where you asked why? Or how come such and such Dad did this or that, or how come Phillip’s mom is always picking him up from school.

Well, these questions ping-pong around my head for the longest.

Everyone wants their parents around no matter what. For a while I started to feel like I was the problem, like I was too ugly to love, maybe I was too short and they knew I wouldn’t be tall, but come to find out the problem was bigger than me.

Expressing feelings as a man in our family didn’t exist or if it did you better get yourself together before you get caught crying and end up getting something to really cry about. I was once a crybaby.

As a kid I was taught to tuck my feelings in my pocket and roll with the punches. Wasn’t no crying or talking about how you felt, that only made you seem soft.

I hate drugs with a passion. I’ve witnessed it first hand destroy families and relationships, drugs hit my family, hard from doing them and doing whatever you had to do in order to get that next hit.

Didn’t matter if it was stealing a pack and having to take that beating when the dealers caught you or even stealing from your own family and getting banned from coming in when no one’s home.

Every day after school me and my sister would get a bag of Flamin Hots with cheese and meat plus a 50 cent juice. We would sit on the couch and watch Arthur on WTTW Channel 11. Every time just like clockwork as soon as DW would yell at Arthur my aunt was screaming out y'all better not be eating on my couch. But that wasn't the only speech we received.

“Turn the lights off, so they think we’re gone. If we’re not here, don't open that door. If your mom comes, talk to her through the window.” These were things I was told as a kid.

I was broken inside because that’s my mom and I love her, so I would still let her in, knowing it meant I was going to get a whooping later.

As a kid there were times I was ashamed of my parents. If it wasn’t for the drugs or how bad it would have them looking, it would be them fighting each other or just not being around missing school events and birthdays for a while. I was the butt of all jokes because the kids would tease me because they knew my parents got high.

Honestly, I was ashamed of them but I never spoke on it nor did I show it or let it affect the love I have for them. It actually made me want them more. I felt if they knew how much I love and needed them. Maybe they would change.

Don’t get me wrong there were times where I was with mom and dad and things were fun.

Pops used to take me to my grandparents house and he would always carry me on his neck.

People would say, “let that boy walk, I know he heavy,” and his response was, “this my son don’t worry about it.” I felt like I was on top of the world. How I wish he never put me down.

Pops I’m not sure where things went wrong. You and mom got sick, then all I remember is Erica and Mike being mom and dad, Kee Kee needed you, Jayla wanted you, Anthony waited for you and me. I missed you.

I can’t speak for all my siblings, but I know our parents loved us, but that addiction had a tight grip on them and had them head over hills in love, but even with that I wanted my parents. Just knowing that they were right in the next room or knowing pops gone teach me to shoot better than Larry Bird and Reggie Miller.

Alicia, you’re the apple of my eye. My first love. I don’t care if you ever get clean. I would love it if you did, just know I’ll never stop loving or respecting you because I know that no one is perfect but your heart is so pure and you’ve passed that down to all of your kids.

Because of you we’ll give the shirt off our backs just to see someone else happy.

After a while, they started down the road to recovery in order to get custody of my younger brother.

I was proud of them once they got my brother back. They showed me that anything was possible.

Recovery wasn't a walk in the park it was filled with meetings, random drops, sponsors and just actually wanting to be clean. I must say they really wanted it because they both got clean, found jobs, got a great two-bedroom place for them and my brother plus I got a couch whenever I came over. I was happy.

Once they got my brother, they were an actual family doing what parents do. I was happy for them and my brother. I know most people would have been mad or hurt like why you couldn’t do that for me or damn we weren't worth the try, not me I was just happy.

My parents felt as if they failed us, so with my brother they made sure they met his every need. Honestly, he only wanted what we all wanted and that was them. He doesn't care about name brands and going to fancy places he just wants love and stability and that's what they gave him now he’s a freshman at Loyola University.

My parents aren’t perfect but I still love them like they are. The past is the past and that’s why pencils have erasers because everyone messes up. Look at me, I’m writing this from a cell.

They’re being the best grandparents they can be and I’m thankful for that because I’m grown now. I’m glad my kids are able to call and spend time with Nana and Paw-Paw.

Special thanks goes out to my aunt Erica and uncle Mike. Thank you for stepping up and being there for not only me, Kee Kee and Derrell but everyone else you took in and helped out. This was in no way me being ungrateful. You took on someone else’s responsibility and didn’t let us get lost in the system. You gave us everything we needed and more. I love and was truly blessed with y’all taking us in. Thank you.

Kids, since you asked...

I'll tell you why I'm so hard on y'all Because I know I won't be here forever Because I want to make sure y'all are able to survive without me Because I want my sons to be better than me Because I want my daughters to know that they're special Because I want y'all to know that all you have is each other Because I'm a parent before I'm your friend Because I want to see y'all succeed and not fail Because I'm trying to prepare you for this cruel world Because if I don't teach y'all, you'll fall for anything Because you're my kids and I'm your dad Antoine, Aziah, Alexis, Aamiyah, Makhel, Asana, Jayanna, and Jada I love you…

Antoine Perteet I Am From I am from the west side of Chicago; Superior and Layman It was normal to hear Rock blows Park I am from where you best not let the street lights beat you in the house Miss Burns candy store is where we spent all of our money Get in trouble at Dayla house She whoop you then tell your mother She did it because all kids was everyone's responsibility I'm from barbecues and block parties and a whole block damn near related I'm a 90s baby where morals and manners I'm from where cousins turned into older brothers Erica was everybody mother and Big Mike was pops But never stopped a dad from being a dad if you wanted to I'm from V103 playing Sunday mornings While we cleaning up I'm from the Howards, the Browns and Perteets Now that's a family tree

Until the lion learns to write their own story, tales of the hunt will always glorify the hunter - African Proverb Copyright

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