Houndology

HOUNDOLOGY your inner dog

written and illustrated by Cal Heath

BIRD DOG The slightest hint of a change in wind direction and every hair on her body stretches with anticipation. She knows when the air is playful and when it has the cheek to tickle her wings and lift her off the ground. She doesn’t need a gust or gale, just a fair weather breeze that whispers of lighter fortunes and silver linings.

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WATCH DOG The ticking clock is a loud reminder that he must wait patiently and cannot yet plunge into this pungent plate of delicacies. Such self-control and delicious, salivating anticipation! Still he stares and waits with unswerving focus and knows his patience will be rewarded when the time is right.

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DOGGED She has her mind firmly set on her goal. She doesn’t need to know where she’s going because the pull of the destination is as inevitable as the passing days. She needs no blinkers to stay focused, her mind is a sharp blade slashing the undergrowth and slaying all opposition. Her determination is unparalleled.

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DOG GONE Damn this hole is getting big, but she knows she’s buried that thing somewhere. She’s digging deep for that tasty morsel. That seething, stinky mess of crusty decay. That thing that’s been nagging at her; that unmistakable, imploring stench. The yearning inside is undeniable.

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DOG OF WAR The Dog of War is not known for his friendliness or amiability. This fellow has been trained to be on high alert to any possible danger.

You would be better placed to approach an altogether different kind of dog if you were hoping for friendship, although once a dog of war decides you are his friend, he will guard you with his life.

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DOG TIRED It may not officially be a bed, but the broken springs and soggy sponge perfectly fit the contours of her body. She happily embraces any chance to lay down her exhausted bones. She’s especially at home on this couch, which has uncountable hours of lounging experience. Now she can dream of hot pursuits in a well-earned, peaceful slumber.

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DOGGY BAG He lives by the motto, reuse and recycle when it comes to food.

There is never a wayward crumb in his presence. He’s the perfect model of waste not wants not and considers the extra weight he carries, a symbol of wealth and refinement. You’ll never need to clean a bench top or sweep a floor when he’s around, although you may occasionally come across him eating his own vomit.

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SEA DOG Always on the hunt for new horizons, this fella knows there’s a wide world to explore and he will sniff out every corner of it. His legs are a bit shaky on land and he must admit, so are his principles.

He’s not one to be tied to earthly responsibilities while the wind is billowing his sail. The scent of the air is full of promise and the sea sings a siren song.

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DOG STAR As the brightest star, she sometimes feels this great responsibility as a burden, but mostly Dog Star is proud to be admired as an object of wonder and veneration. She is honoured to share her great knowledge and power, even if it drains her vast energies every time. She glows reassuringly and is ever present with you on your walk along the path.

DIRTY DOG Beware of the Dirty Dog. She appears harmless and humble, but looks can be deceptive. Her submission is only temporary and she will happily unleash her exuberance if you give her cause to think you’re a friend. Avoid the spray zone at all costs; Dirty Dogs are prone to shake. You won’t come away unscathed if you approach her, as she is well known for leaving a mark. Handle with care!

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DOGGEREL A lover of rhythm and rhyme, the Doggerel is a fast talker who will leap under a spotlight at every opportunity. He can roll out a rhyme in a whisker and loves to entertain with a tasty verse and a feel-good ow. He has just enough self-awareness to want to please, but not enough to be self-conscious or pretentious. A lovable rogue who is always eager to lap up attention with his silver tongue.

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HOT DOG This girl is perfectly at home in the sweltering heat of the desert sun. She’s fully insulated against radiation and solar flares and keeps her cool during the most intense firestorms. Her warmth and charisma are magnetic and she can be disarming in the fiercest conflagration, but be careful, she’ll set your heart on fire without even noticing your existence. She’s bomb proof too.

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HANG DOG Intelligent and sensitive, but highly strung, this sweet boy loves to please and is always the first to take the blame. If you have an important task, entrust it to Hang Dog. He’ll always do his best because he’s so worried that he’ll fail. You’ll find that his actual failures are rare, although his self-admonishment is constant. He may look guilty, but it certainly doesn’t mean that he is. He will even take the blame for your shortcomings.

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UNDER DOG She’s practiced in the art of camouflage and prefers to be overlooked when volunteers are called for. She may be considered less successful than others, but is quite content to know that she’ll remain invisible while others are being singled out. She’s not looking for attention and wishes to spend her days in the leafy shade, although her bony elbows would benefit from the charity of a soft mat.

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