On Struggling Queerness

On Struggling

Queerness

A Brown and Proud Press Anthology

Brown and Proud Press is happy to bring you “On Struggling Queerness” as a part of our ongoing On Struggling Series. Our intent is to share our experiences of love, pain, and self discovery in the hope of celebrating our existence and resistance with others.

All who submitted to this anthology shared their story for queer people of color to grab on to when they’re barely feeling afloat. We recognize that everyone’s struggles are of different complexities, levels, and discourage the implication that everyone’s struggles are homogenous, more significant or more trivial than another. As a collective we believe in the healing act of storytelling and creation, this zine is a labor of love. There is an abundance of wisdom, strength, and love in our community and we hope you find some of that in these pages, in the world, and within yourself.

On Struggling Queerness is dedicated to all the strong and struggling queer people of color in the world: we will survive.

Trigger Warning of mentions of violence, suicide, rape, transphobia, and homophobia.

Cover Art by Alvaro Zavala Melanin//Cris Hernandez Mom Meow//Beññi Nightcap//Mansi Té de manzanilla//Mar Torres Bisexual French Toast// Melissa Castro Almandina Amor//Luz Magdaleno Flores Untitled// phil crawford Being Queer is the Best Thing That Could Be//Daisy Zamora Centeno Al Fin Soy Yo//Celesté Martinez Tears for Queers//Priscilla Luera Searching for Love//Carla Moreno An Open Letter to Elena Alvarez//J9 I Am Not An Ally//Sacred Hurt

Mom Mom MeowMeow WhatWhat do you do you do do whenwhen youryour mom’s mom’s worst worst nightmare nightmare is is to become to become the the pessimist pessimist in your in your headhead thatthat hinders hinders youryour uncoiling uncoiling You You turnturn her her intointo a cat a cat control moments in your and and control the the moments you you keepkeep in your headhead withwith youryour handhand parts where she’s a warm You You taketake the the parts where she’s a warm socksock drape thatthat you you drape overover youryour handhand weavings You You glueglue ontoonto her her weavings a pair googly a pair googly eyeseyes and and holds a sock she she holds you you as aassock a hand and and you you holdhold her her as aashand distance WithWith distance she’s a good woman and and she’s a good woman who’s experiences hands who’s had had bad bad experiences withwith hands

Benni Quintero Benni Quintero

Té de manzanilla (con miel y limón) Mar Torres

1 Ponla sobre las llamas.

Deja que se caliente sé paciente ve cómo se empieza a formar una corriente moviendo suavemente nota cómo gira el agua deslizándose familiarizándose con algo que ya conoce esa estructura que tantas veces a recorrido aún explorando lo que queda por conocer.

2 Agrega la manzanilla.

Mira cómo empieza a diluir una y una sumergiéndose entre si el agua dando paso a poderes ancestrales mediante los bulbos de las flores frotándose una la otra

3 Agrega el limón.

Deja que la amargura se asiente parecerá que contamina la pureza deja que fluya deja que te hunda sumérgete si te atreves sumérgelo completamente antes de sacarlo para que sanes bien.

4 Agrega la miel.

Caerás en la tentación de lamer su dulzura Inundarás tus dedos en las profundidades del jarrón buscando siempre buscando aquel familiar calor.

5 Servir.

Siente como recorre tu cuerpo Déjate envolver en su calor Empezarás a sudar Empezará a sudar Ten fe y déjate envolver en su calor.

AMOR

Queer or not Queer? That is the question Pero lo que se ve no se pregunta Decia Juan Gabriel I dont know why my sexuality Is always in question So let me teach you a lesson I love me all genders They all a blessing Jesus Maria y Jose No one but me can Determine who I choose To love Theres something so tender About being brave with honesty Exploring vast connections Im figuiring out pansexual Non monogamy one day At a time So please stop assuming Im going to end up with a cis man That’s such a basic plan Feed me hope Instead of hate Believe in me for gods sake Trust me, im gay Ive known since Second grade

my demons clamored about one day. crying and tearing about my body. “what is this?” it’s all about skin, you know? you must know?” “no. it’s the flesh!” “no you don’t know anything at all! you can’t. for it’s carnage”! “no!” “i know!” “impossible! you know nothing. it’s the slaughter that consumes, eating my flesh, first a finger, then an arm (and God knows what else) yet still only the flesh, bloodying the ground (sacrilege bastards). leave the vitals. skull intact, ribs all whole, blood and bone and muscle everywhere. the ritual is not finished. i must eat too

// i see a kind of violence i notice seeping into my dating/ romantic/sex life. i’ve worked tirelessly to root out any violent tendencies from myself with plenty of sweat, and grime. what i’ve found in return, after dumping these grueling pieces that heaped filth upon me, is a subtle violence returned to me. not a man pulling a knife or a gun or at least a threat spaying spit from his mouth but his subtle entitlement to the body. my body. i feel them eating me. consuming what they want for nutrition or pleasure leaving me needing the same pieces returned back to me. so i must mimic them, yes? if only to grow more like them. these feelings are intensified with the near constant accessibility rendered by social media, dating apps, and the devices that connect me to you to you and you and you. desire is only a few clicks, swipes, taps, double taps, and dm slides away! and when that doesn’t work? try a second time! and if rejection comes your way like death on the doorstep, answer telling him, “oh never heard of ‘em” slamming the door in his face for more swipes! (but really the key to more swipes is cash! a more built body! an even meater !!!! !)

Being gay is the best thing that could have happened to me/ I could have been born as/ decided for myself.

I used to fantasize about women, being with women.

I thought it was only a fantasy. I never told anyone when I was younger. I didn't know what to call it.

I was never in gender identity courses growing up.

I was in love with my best friend. I never told anyone when I was younger.

The way I see it -it gives me options. It opens up a whole other world for me to date and be with.

If men are not enough I have MORE, when men fail me there is more.

Men are not and will never be the end all in my life.

It changes power dynamics.

This changed the whole game for me.

I will always be gay. I have always been gay.

I like other gay people and hang out with others like me. I like attending gay events. I wish everyones entire world was like this. We all can benefit from gays. And living life more like us.

We bounce back, we stick together, we survive, we fight.

Some women may not like gay people and they might say shit but for the most part they leave us alone but the men are scary. Men are inherently scary to me. They kill trans people like it's nothing like trans people did something wrong to them. Like they were offended you chose to exist in a different way.

I love trans people. Trans people deserve everything we have.

They are not lesser human beings. It is our job to defend them.

Gay people we have lost belong here with us. Deserved to breathe, to live, to love, to dress how they want and do with their own bodies whatever they want since their bodies belong to them and no one else. I wish and pray for the day when trans folks can live and not worry about being killed. I pray for the day all the lives taken come back, rise from the dead. I know right now they hunt those who killed them. Good. They deserve them.

May they never get good sleep. May they be hunted by your image. Scared shit less.

Trans women deserve to live, trans women deserve to love, to breathe, to work, to wear whatever they want.

The world is better with trans women. The world is better with trans people. The world is better with black and brown gays.

How many of us check in on our trans friends?

Do YOU have a trans friend?

How do our non profits help trans folks?

Do you have trans friends? Not in a it's cool kinda way but because you care about them and who they are.

This world needs trans people. This world is better because of trans people. The future includes trans people. The future imagined by trans people is beautiful.

How do you check men who hate trans folks?

Who feels lied to?

AL FIN SOY YO A week ago I sat in a room And I realized I have blood On my body Not just on my hands But my body It was like I was submerged And let it dry Believing this red hue Was just part of my skin color

I realized all the moments that brought me here And I thought about you I thought about me And how one of those nights We laid in your bed And you said you loved me I hid in the covers Paralyzed with fear and homophobic bull shit Pumping through my veins

Suddenly I am 9 Hanging by the basketball courts at recess Staring at my classmate gracefully walking on the other side of the playground Mesmerized by her womanly features I hide my fantasies of adoring her with kisses In my subconscious My fear of who I really was Was greater than who I wanted to be Memories flood of when we were 19 There we sat across a table In a fluorescent lit room And I hid behind my religion Because I didn’t know what I believed All I could cough up were justifications about what makes my attraction to you immoral Regurgitating scriptural references and church teachings While simultaneously my body ached to be intimate with you You didn’t understand You stewed in your own anger Thinking I intended to hurt you with my internalized heteronormativity

You couldn’t see How I was gasping for air Smothered in this pool of blood I found myself sinking in

I wasn't ready to love you Because I wasn't ready to love myself

Now I am 23 And I look at my Facebook and read about the largest massacre in our nations recent history As I gaze upon their faces I see my self As I read their names yo veo a mi misma otra vez I am so shaken by this violence My entire existence becomes disrupted I am startled by my own reflection in the mirror I whisper to my mentor the pain I feel inside me I weep in a room full of people because I don’t know where else to release my grief

And as I heard my sister preaching about how we have blood on our hands How our silence And self repression makes us culprits to all 50 lives stolen at Pulse Orlando I began to understand why I have dodged my own reflection in the mirror so many times And why I remained silent about my fear, upset and coraje

Once I realized I was swimming in the blood of my own shame I thought being with you would be a lifesaver But you told me I was a fraud Your own self hatred preferred for me to disappear To drown in this pool And never come back

I didn’t need you to save me What I needed was to know this blood came from my own internalized homophobia and self rejection Shedding you was one of my first steps to liberation And slowly I swam to the shores of this Red Sea By gaining strength from my new found self acceptance Since then I have chosen to make peace with the violence I perpetuated through my own lack of consciousness I have accepted my part in how I have contributed to the destruction of myself

And my people And finally I am living in the world more boldly as my self Queer Chicana Brown Mujer Yo Al fin soy yo

6 Julio 2016 revised 4 julio 18

Tears For Queers Pt. I I woke up to my mom yelling “ew, xochi is bleeding lock her up before all the male dogs try and rape her Que cochina, sangrando everywhere Is that what you like?

No me digas que te gusta tocar Bloody, dirty vaginas Que asco.

I already told you what you need is Jesus Ándale Flip your hat around Actually just take it off Go to your room and put on makeup I bought you a new dress, How come you haven’t tried it on?

Let me set you up with a nice boy from church Because sodomy is an abomination It’s not that I hate you, only the sin you’ve become Ya te dije que no eres un vato, mija I’m not going to let a diamond turn to dust” bit of body text

Pt. II Another time my mom compared being gay to having sex with my dad I threw a fork across the room and slammed the door I remembered why I hated coming home Hands behind my head, I looked up at the stars and said, I know who I Am And I don’t wish i were dead, At least not anymore...

And I this is what I said, I don’t give a fuck about your god They made me this way So now it’s your problem Just let me run away, Run away from your judgment and lies It hurts that you’re my own mother; But sometimes you have to kill your own family to get peace of mind.

You say god has a purpose You say god has a plan BUT MAYBE GOD IS ZERO AND I AM INFINITE Have you ever thought of that?

It took me five years to validate the girl in the mirror Now I wake up everyday saying your the best perSUN You say Jesus hates the sin but loves the sinner Well guess what?

I love pu$$y and god I do love sinning Because I’m queer til I die Stop telling me how to live my life Maybe one day these tears will dry Because I’m queer til I die Pt. III And when the tears keep pouring because I realized my mother’s generational trauma mapped out the blueprint to all my other relationships involving women I systematically found myself in another girls’ closets, Whispering the courage for them to come out, Wishing they didn’t have boyfriends, And accepted a role as their secret part-time lover, Because all I wanted was my mother’s love.

Even though a man initially instilled the hate in my mom, Pretending to be queer is also a homophobic fear, Just be true to yourself and time will tell And that’s when I could finally accept myself.

Despite my mother’s tears, I proudly button up my polos to the top, Show off my hairy legs And got a short haircut on the day of pride To finally reflect who I truly was on the inside

Pt. IV for all the queers who have shed a tear bc ppl judge you, make fun of you, enduring constant micro aggressions and violence daily. familia harassing you about your novia/novio knowing you gay, so you can stay hidden bc if you’re found you fear them shutting you out, quite personally I’m afraid to wear this tear shirt without getting kicked out.

to all my non binaries who don’t fit the gender norm, called an ugly butch one day but when you femme presenting make them fuckbois do a double take just to tell em you ain’t straight.

All my trans, lgbtqia plus who are looking for acceptance in the mirror.

This is for you.

From the unconditional love in my heart to the tears i wipe off your cheek.

To all my freaks. may your tears fill up your cup so you can see the glass half full and know that ppl love you.

Take off your mask and let your colors shine through.

Tears for Queers, there’s a rainbow waiting for you.

Searching For Love I feel incomplete, I feel the less I talk about it, the more my feelings get buried underneath me.

Everyone deserves happiness and real genuine love. I have spent so many years trying to hide and bury my feeling to feel more normal and more acceptable.

What about me?

I have felt this way since I was a teen. I remember liking my friends. Wishing I was her best friend, to wanting her to like me more than my friend. My memory of liking girls feels more distinct and glued to my memory than boys.

Growing up in a household full of conservative beliefs, being sheltered, and growing up with an immigrant single mom from El-Salvador has always been difficult. The policing of bodies that comes with my Latin-American identity has been

BROWN AND PROUD PRESS CONTACTS

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MISSION Brown and Proud Press is a collective of people of color with the intent of sharing personal narratives of struggle through the medium of zines as a catalyst for collective healing and liberation. We believe in the necessity of self preservation and seek to increase visibility around struggles and histories of marginalized folks. A history told by us for us.

We also seek to create brave spaces for artists to perform and share their audio, visual and written art.

ZINES Brown and Proud Press publishes collaborative zines and acts as a platform that supports other creators in our community to publish zines of their own. Our zines vary in genres and feature work exclusively from people of color.

Brown and Proud Press zines have been featured at zine festivals nationally and internationally including Mexico and Canada.

MEMBERS Melissa Castro Almandina Lupita Carrasquillo Shanna Collins Mayra Castro Carmen Corredo Luz Magdaleno Nancy Sanchez Daisy Zamora Alvaro Zavala

EDUCATION Brown and Proud Press acknowledges the impact art and writing has on young peoples development and mental health. We work to share the art of zine making through workshops and programs in partnership with schools, after school programs, libraries and community organizations.

COLLECTIVE MEMBERS Our collective is comprised of queer, trans, people of color working in various fields. We are students, teachers, artists, writers, health workers, organizers and advocates based out of the south side of Chicago.