4 minute read
My First Love
by Brittany Schrank
I remember the first time that I was pregnant. I was so excited about the baby inside me. I heard so many things from many different women who had experienced pregnancy. They told me things like, “You’re going to be the best mom ever because you are so good with kids.” Some said, “You’re going to experience an overwhelming level of love after you give birth.” Many of them even scared me half to death about the pain that I would experience, and often suggested that I have an epidural.
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I went through my pregnancy feeling like I needed to get prepared, but I didn’t really know what to prepare for. I thought, “I’ve been around lots of kids—things will be okay.” Then a few months later my water broke, and it was time to welcome my little bundle of joy! My labor wasn’t so bad, but I did opt in on the epidural. It caused unexpected side effects like the shivers. However, the lack of pain made that bearable. Sixteen hours later, and three big pushes, and my little boy was born. He was six pounds, ten ounces, and nineteen inches long. He had a head full of hair, but I didn’t get a chance to see it because they took him to the other side of the room immediately to clear out his mouth.
I was looking for that overwhelming feeling of love that everyone talked about. Where is it? My thoughts took on a life of their own. As I think back to that day and look at pictures, my face was so blank. I looked extremely tired. I didn’t know what to do. It was a little difficult to breastfeed at first, but then I got the hang of it. And then just as I got the hang of it, the fear set in. I didn’t know if my son was getting enough nourishment. So I decided to pump more, which led to feeding him out of the bottle more than I had anticipated.
My memory today is really fuzzy because I don’t remember much of what happened when I got home. That first night, my son slept with my parents. I remember just wanting to rest. The rest that I needed grew into more rest that I thought I needed, and before I knew it, my son was a few months old already and time had gotten away from me. I’ve since learned about the powerful emotions that come with having the “baby blues” that hits some us of after childbirth. Recently, I learned about postpartum depression. It can interfere with a mother’s ability to care for her baby and handle other daily tasks.
I felt overwhelmed, scared, and would often hand my son over to my mom or dad the first chance I got. Thankfully, for me and my son, our supportive family helped us through the process. However, as a mother who has experienced it, I want to make sure to learn as much as I can about it and help support other mothers as well.
A few months ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. My whole experience was much different. With my daughter, I was able to go through the whole childbirth process feeling that huge sense of unconditional love for her I had expected with my son. For a little while, I felt guilty for not having the same experience with my son, but now that I know that it wasn’t my fault—I cultivate a great love for him, unconditionally, now and every day.
If you are feeling depressed after your baby’s birth, you may be reluctant or embarrassed to admit it. But if you experience any symptoms of postpartum depression, make sure to speak with your doctor, a counselor, a friend, or your family about it. And there are places to go to share your fears and concerns. I’m starting a new program at Clubhouse Visalia called “Living 4 Later.” It’s a support group for moms. In it, mommies will find a safe place to come together and share life, encourage one another, and just breathe. We will work as a group toward making sure that we not only stop and smell the roses in the moment, but to plan for the future, as well.
Living 4 Later meets the second and fourth Thursdays of every month, 10 a.m. to noon. Lunch will be provided. Visalia Clubhouse is located at 206 E. Oak Ave in Visalia. Please call 559-754-2909 if you have any questions. I’m looking forward to meeting you!
