Living with Bipolar

by Antonia Rose

Living life to the fullest is the message that I want people to learn about being bipolar.

This is a disorder that can be tricky and results in extreme highs and lows. There are two types of bipolar disorder: bipolar 1 and bipolar 2. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, the basic aspects of bipolar disorder involve clear changes in mood, energy, and activity levels.

Bipolar 1 disorder is defined by manic episodes that last at least seven days, or by manic symptoms that are so severe that the person needs immediate hospital care. Usually, depressive episodes occur, as well, typically lasting at least two weeks. Episodes of depression with mixed features having depression and manic symptoms at the same time are also possible.

Bipolar 2 disorder is defined by a pattern of depressive episodes and hypomanic episodes, but not the full-blown manic episodes described above. There are other disorders that are also related to bipolar disorder known as cyclothymic disorder which is defined by numerous periods of hypomanic symptoms as well numerous periods of depressive symptoms lasting for at least two years or one year in children and adolescents. However, the symptoms do not meet the diagnostic requirements for a hypomanic episode and depressive episode. I have been living with bipolar 1 for at least 18 years. It started with a huge manic episode, and as I think back on that time in my life, I realize that it lasted a few weeks and began with me not being able to sleep at night. I currently pay close attention to my sleep patterns because I want to make sure that I am not headed into a manic episode. Selfcare is very important, and being aware of my own mental health is crucial to my overall health and wellbeing.

Another symptom that I experienced occurred when one of my daughters was five years old. I was very tired from lack of sleep and started making decisions that were not the best for my family. I took my daughter shopping for school clothes and spent over $300 that I could not afford. I didn’t care about the budget. I didn’t care whether or not I had the money. I just felt the need to spend excessively. After realizing that my daughter couldn’t keep the clothes that I bought her, I felt humiliated when I had to go back to the store to return the clothes. I can’t imagine what my daughter felt, not being able to keep the clothes that her mother had bought her.

Many times the manic episodes didn’t stop with me trying to fix the problems that I caused, but instead led to more excessive behavior for me. My relationships with my family were very strained due to my extreme behavior. I was married, but instead of focusing on it, I acted out sexually which led to the destruction of my marriage. I felt a deep hatred for myself, and the guilt was overwhelming. This all led to me going into a deep depression in which I needed to be hospitalized and was then diagnosed.

According to leading scientists, most agree that there is no single cause for bipolar disorder, but instead it’s likely caused by many factors that contribute to the illness or increase our risks.

Some studies show how the brain of people with bipolar disorder may differ from the brains of healthy people or people with other mental disorders.

Other studies suggest that people with certain genes are more likely to develop bipolar disorder than others; however genes are not the only risk factor. Bipolar disorder tends to run in families. Children with a parent or sibling who has bipolar disorder are much more likely to develop the illness, compared to children who do not have a family history. It is important to note that most people with a family history of bipolar disorder will not develop the illness.

There are multiple forms of treatments and therapies for bipolar disorder. Treatment helps many people—even those with the most severe forms of bipolar disorder gain better control of their mood swings and other symptoms. An effective treatment plan usually includes a combination of medications and psychotherapy. Bipolar is a lifelong illness. Episodes of mania and depression typically come back over time. Between episodes, many people with bipolar disorder are free of mood changes, but some people may have lingering symptoms. Long-term, continuous treatment helps to control these symptoms. (National Institute of Mental Health)

Medications can help control symptoms of bipolar disorder. An individual may need to try several different medications before finding those that work best. Medications can sometimes include mood stabilizers, atypical antipsychotics, and antidepressants. It is important for people like me to make sure to follow the guidelines from my doctor and pharmacist to understand the benefits and risks of taking medications.

It’s important for people who suffer with bipolar disorder to find the right support group. I strongly believe in talking with others who can share and relate experiences with one another. Unfortunately, I’ve had some bad experiences. I was told many times by counselors to stop talking. I didn’t quite understand the rules of that particular group at the time and didn’t feel as if I was able to communicate properly with others because of it. Later on, after joining a women’s support group, I realized that I developed a complex because I was afraid to share what I was going through. I was afraid to engage with people because of the fear of being disliked or that they would feel I was talking too much. I didn’t feel like my words were worthy or important. It was a really hard time in my life, not being able to open up and share.

I also had a hard time communicating with my family. We had

gone through so much together, which didn’t help us communicate

effectively. There had been many times where they would tell me to get to the point instead of explaining, or sometimes I would get frustrated and blow up because they wouldn’t listen. It was a terrible cycle of miscommunication and misunderstanding.

People always need a good support system whether they suffer from a mental illness or not, but people like me need it even more. The best advice that I can give to people, in general, is to learn about the illness. Read up on the symptoms and become aware of what people go through. It is not something that a person chooses. It is like any other illness that needs to be addressed through treatment. It can be helpful for people who suffer from bipolar disorder to make a life chart so that they can keep track of their treatment, mood changes, sleep patterns, and triggers. It will help your doctor effectively find ways to help keep you stabilized.

As for me, I’ve started a new beginning. I moved from the Bay Area to the Central Valley a year ago. I started a job where I live while helping to take care of my grandmother. My therapist took me to visit a place called Clubhouse Visalia where I was met with hugs, smiles, acceptance, and understanding. Having spent time there, I no longer feel ashamed or embarrassed about having bipolar. It is not a bad part of me, but instead is just a part of me. Now that I have come to accept that, I can use my time taking care of myself, helping others when I can, and sharing my experiences with others so that they can release their shame as well. We don’t have to live a life of stigma with guilt and shame. We can play a role in our treatment while helping others.

Meditation Class meets every Saturday from 11-11:30 a.m. See you there!

My new beginning includes leading the Meditation Class at Clubhouse Visalia and being part of a peer support group for people who suffer with bipolar. We will not only help each other maintain our wellbeing, but we will also help each other accomplish our goals. I now feel like I have a purpose for my life. I will be forever grateful for being a member of Clubhouse Visalia because they love unconditionally and provide a place where I can be free to be me. I hope that others will also find that for themselves.

I was talking too much. I didn’t feel like my words were worthy or important. It was a really hard time in my life, not being able to open up and share.

Antonia Rose

is a mother of 2 daughters and a Nana of 2 grandsons. She enjoys leading Meditation Group and helping out at Clubhouse Visalia during the week. Her favorite color is purple.