OPEN LETTER: A LETTER TO YOU SOME, MAYBE TO MYSELF MOSTLY. TAMARA SANAA LEIGH

A Letter to You Some, Maybe to Myself Mostly,

I've said, bunches of times, over the years that I don't ever want to feel this way ever again or I'm not going to put myself in the position to. But I did- again and again. Because I felt like I loved you so much, it was just the highs and the lows you go through in the process of loving someone and having their back, staying true as they grow and evolve. But I think I did both you and I a real disservice with that. I think I robbed us, by not having high enough boundaries and standards, from what we could have been. And I do apologize for that. I grieve it and I mourn it for both of us. Because the honest to God truth is, the way you chose to handle things, as your friend or more or whatever we've been, was unacceptable. That last weekend or the thousand times before. I deserve better than that. I've had to deal with like endless truths in the last few weeks. I had to or I'd die. Because I was breaking. Because I'd just end up dying slowly or killing myself if I didn't. So some truth. I do want to be the only woman in your life. I want you to kiss me and hold my hand in public. I want to spend weekends layed up together watching movies. I want you to kiss me in rain storms in the back yard and lean over to tell me you love me and kiss me for no reason at all. I want you to f&^k me on every free surface in the house. Everything you did a few months ago but every day, all the time. But not because you're sad or lonely or bored- or whatever that was. I want you to choose me the way I've always chosen you. I want that. I deserve that. I don't want to be left behind while you pursue other things and people. It's less than I want, it's less than I deserve. I deserve to be loved fully without breaks or pauses. Even on my bad days. Even when I get on your nerves. Publicly- outloud. Not guilted because what you offer is less than what I give or less than what I want. Not for show but because you're proud of it and don't care what anyone else thinks. And thats not what you want or least not what you're willing to do. At least not with me. I don't understand because we are SO DOPE together. I probably won't ever, but I do respect it. Or maybe I just respect myself enough to know what I want and what I'm worth. Which is never what I got from you. Because I can't do any more 'give me some more time' or 'don't give up on me' s. And so this is done for me.

I'm not ready to say goodbye to you. But I am ready to say goodbye to feeling less than and not enough and that I deserve to be praised one minute and yelled at or ignored or passed over the next. I don't want to be that person anymore. I'm ready for the love I deserve, even if its just loving myself enough to know I deserve to be loved by somebody else like that too.