P.O. BOX 6000 BINGHAMTON, NY 13902-6000 EDITOR@BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM
Founded 1987 • Volume XXX, Issue XII
Comrades-in-Arms: Jason Caci, Kayla Jimenez, Jordan Jardine, Comrade Casey, Elizabeth Elliot, Thomas Sheremetta, Colin Gilmartin, Jordan Raitses, Luke Kusick, Tommy Gagliano, Antifa, Adrienne Vertucci, Samson Audino, Matthew Rosen, Jana Todd, Dr. Lollipop, Patrick McAuliffe Jr., Comrade Conrad
Special Thanks To: Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-Un, Sen. Bernie Sanders, Shaun King, Hillary Clinton, David Hogg, The Frances Beal Society, Lenin’s Resurrected Corpse, Sen. Chuck Schumer Binghamton Review was printed by Gary Marsden We Provide the Truth. He Provides the Staples
MUST-HAVES FOR YOUR NEXT SOCIALIST REVOLUTION
by Our Staff
6 Abortion is a Basic Human Right by Tommy Gagliano 7 The Evils of Cis-White-Male America by Matthew Rosen 10 A Trade War’s Economic Benefits by Kayla Jimenez 11 Deer Lord, Praise Be Unto Him by Patrick “The Ecosexual” McAuliffe 13 Humanity’s Natural Selection by Dr. Lollipop 15 Fully Automated Luxury Gay Communism by Comrade Conrad
3 Editorial 4 Campus Presswatch
12 Evil, Racist Gov’t Should Control the Economy by Comrade Casey 14 Problematic Social Constructs by Samson Audino
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK! Send feedback to firstname.lastname@example.org 2
Vol. XXX, Issue XII
EDITORIAL Dear Comrades,
From the Chairman
ou may notice that we’ve undergone some changes recently. We are no longer the backwards-thinking, conservative/libertarians of yesteryear. We see now that we must change with the times. The campus environment has become too hostile to our old way of life, and through their hostility we have come to see the truth. Conservatives are, as a monolith, racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, Islamophobic, xenophobic, ableist, and hateful. We have decided to no longer stand for it. As we have loosened the ties on our lives that we once held dear, so too do we loosen our adherence to old font types. Instead, as a former Commissar of the old Review once wrote, we are now using Comic Sans, the People’s Font. Surely this will stop Donald Trump. My staff and I have toiled as every good proletariat does to bring you this copy of the Binghamton Renew, the improved version of the dusty old toilet paper and waste of SA Activity Fee that this campus holds dear. We have done away with all hierarchy in the Renew. An ordinary writer is now on the same level as me, the Chairmanin-Chief. The writings of our alumni return to us with fond whispers in our memory like passages from Kapital that can float through my mind at any given moment. Collected here are our admissions of guilt, our discoveries, and the new beliefs we now hold. Peruse us, and judge us worthy of joining the glorious global revolution. As a show of good faith, we offer some handy items that we will need as comrades together in the fight against the system. It keeps us down, but together we continue the class struggle. Our right to defend ourselves against this oppression shall not be infringed. Gone are the days of fascism on this campus. Gone are the days of being offended, and cries of “Hate speech!” shall no longer ring in these hallowed halls. It will no longer be tolerated, least of all by the Renew. We have not offered trigger warnings on specific articles, but let this serve as a blanket warning. We are comrades, so I did not deem it necessary. However, if you do feel the need for one, I offer my heartiest apologies and will attempt to correct my behavior. Down with the bourgeiosie.
Our Mission Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run news magazine of progressive thought at Binghamton University founded in 1987. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of similarenough perspectives. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free and open exchange of ideas and offer alternative viewpoints not normally found or accepted on our predominately conservative campus. We stand against tyranny in all of its forms, both on campus and beyond. We believe in the principles set forth in this country’s Declaration of Hopes and Dreams and seek to preserve the fundamental tenets of Western civilization (or another culture thatmight happen to disagrees with us). It is our duty to expose the warped ideology of political correctness and cultural authoritarianism that dominates this university. Finally, we understand that a moral order is a necessary component of any civilized society. We strive to inform, engage with, and perhaps even amuse our readers in carrying out this mission.
Patrick McAuliffe Jr.
Views expressed by writers do not necessarily represent the views of the publication as a whole. email@example.com
CPampus resswatch We’re taking a new approach to the other campus papers, which you still probably don’t read. Our responses are in bold.
lish racist content in 1905. The entire publication has no credibly. Once a racist, always a racist. Anyone down to boycott Nat Geo?
“Issuing an apology isn’t enough” Sarah Molano - March 21, 2018 Pipe Dream
“Now, it’s still up for debate whether National Geographic is really doing enough to combat its racist past.”
“Whether or not the Binghamton Review is allowed to say those things isn’t the question; the question is, what are they going to do differently moving forward?”
National Geographic is absolutely not doing enough. I think that they should invent a time machine so that they can travel back to 1888 and redo the entire history of their publication. Then and only then will they have done enough.
We have decided to take an entirely new approach going forward! This issue is the first step in our reformation. We have decided to completely defy the entire purpose of our publication from here on out. We will no longer publish the hateful and offensive rhetoric that is inherent in conservative and libertarian thought. Our members have reinvented themselves and their personal philosophies; we are enlightened as a publication. “Everyone has their eyes on you; we’re waiting to see what you’ll do.” Feast your eyes on the Binghamton Renew! “National Geographic addressed this, stating that they had written racist articles and printed problematic photos for decades in the past, and owned up to not allowing people of color to subscribe to the magazine into the 1960s.” How dare they follow the cultural and societal norms of the times and pub-
“Why is there a ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach to fashion?” Annick Tabb - March 18, 2018 Pipe Dream “Brandy Melville prides itself on its “one-size-fits-all” approach to fashion. However, the one size that they market seems rather small for a company whose aim is to appeal to the masses.” Yeah, how dare Brandy Melville make clothes for only one size! Clearly they are trying to appeal to the masses, by charging a $50 for a T-shirt and only making teenage girls’ clothing. It is so utterly ridiculous that a company would make a product only for a specific market! “ I was hyperaware of the models that plastered the walls of the dark and pungent store. They were thin, mostly white, blonde and looked like they were having the time of their lives wearing the clothes they were marketing.” F*ck Abercrombie! How dare they hire attractive people to be models. I am so annoyed that I have to look at
Written by our Staff
skinny, pretty women wearing clothes against my will. Yes, I do follow Kendall Jenner on Instagram. “Editorial: A pressing issue” The Editorial Board - March 22, 2018 Pipe Dream “The bill would give student journalists in New York state more control over their publications — school administrators typically have authority over the content in school publications, unless stated otherwise. This is especially true of high school publications.” Shameful! Students should not have control over the content in their school papers. The content should be highly monitored and regulated as to protect the overall interests of the student body and prevent any offensive content from being published. Just look at the disaster that has been the Binghamton Review (not affiliated with the Binghamton Renew). Some school censorship would have come in handy these past 30 years.
Vol. XXX, Issue XII
BINGHAMTONREVIEW.COM “International Women’s Day doesn’t prioritize equality” Kristen DiPietra - March 18, 2018 Pipe Dream “What should be strictly a day of commemoration and insight into the lives of influential women has mutated into a day of pageantry, self-gratification and hollow gestures from corporations looking to capitalize on the hipness of modern feminism.” It is absolutely disgusting that corporations and their marketing teams pretend to care about women for the sole purpose of exploiting them. Feminism is not something that should be incorporated to advertising campaigns or promotions. How dare they. These corporations should be ashamed. Embracing women and supporting International Women’s Day is just another disturbing behavior of American corporations. “Vice’s sister publication, Broadly, issued a narrow and rather suffocating article, titled “100 Easy Ways to Make Women’s Lives More Bearable,” which include imperatives such as calling the Star Wars princess “General Leia” and abandoning any opinion men may have on abortion or reproductive rights because they are “irrelevant” and men are not entitled to have them.” OMG I love Vice! They have the most wholesome, quality content! No surprise they published another inspi-
CAMPUS PRESSWATCH rational piece on why men are trash and why we should not use the word princess because it is demeaning to women. Oh wait… Kristen doesn’t like this article?! Then she isn’t even a real feminist. Wtf Kristen, I expected more from you. “I highly recommend the article for anyone who enjoys “Game of Thrones” or calling women pretty, for you must repent these sins.” Game of Thrones is the most sexist, pig-headed, male-directed show I have ever scene. Any woman who watches it must be a meninist. Also calling women pretty is so demeaning. We are more than our looks, smh. “Women don’t need discounts, days or self-congratulations.” These discounts were so patronizing. So belittling to be offered discounted food on International Women’s day.
Typical, a privileged white woman overcompensating for her cis-white guilt by overemphasizing intersectional feminism! She took one WGSS class to meet the pluralism requirement, and now she thinks she can be the voice of all of the poor underprivileged non-white women in the world. Cute. She’s worse than those God-awful early 20th century “feminists” like Alice Paul. “Women of color, LGBTQ women and other marginalized women often face much more blatant and potent forms of discrimination. While white women often make approximately 81 cents to a white male’s dollar, black women usually make about 65 cents and Hispanic women only make 59 cents.” I never get tired of hearing these certain facts stated!
“If it’s not intersectional, it’s not feminism” Elizabeth Short - March 15, 2018 Pipe Dream “Feminism in action needs to be about more than just gender-related issues. Intersectional feminism includes the aspects of economic class, ability, sexual orientation, race, religion and more when talking about who faces what kind of discrimination. The ideal of feminism benefits everyone.”
Attention Comrades! The last vestiges of the Binghamton Review can be found on Binghamton Review Live on WHRW 90.5FM 6:30pm on Tuesday nights every week Unite, and tune in to rebuke them! On-air line is (607) 777-2137
ABORTION IS A BASIC HUMAN RIGHT
Abortion is a Basic Human Right By Tommy Gagliano
’ve been doing some thinking after reading the email sent out by the SA on March 13th in response to the old Binghamton Review. It made me realize that there is nothing more important than feelings. It’s also made me realize that womyn, people of color, and LGBTQAAIP2SSLMNOP?@#8=D~+ individuals are oppressed by our patriarchal, heteronormative, white supremacist society, and I (as a straight white male) need to become an ally and cater to their every whim. There are so many issues I want to write about with my new-found knowledge and wokeness, but I think I’ll start with abortion. From this point on, I will refer to the person that the fetus is inside of as the host, since using the word “mother” would not only be offensive to women that get pregnant but do not want to be mothers, but also discriminatory to trans men (who can also get pregnant). “Host” is also a more accurate word to describe the relationship between them and the parasitic fetus that grows inside of them. Just like healthcare, abortion is a basic human right. We’ve been telling womyn what they can and can’t do with their bodies for far too long. Their body, their choice. Many rightwing Trumpkin trolls will argue that it’s actually not their body, it’s a different person’s body inside of their body. They will back up this argument by citing science and facts, but don’t let them trick you. They are actually just sexist pigs that want to take rights away from womyn. The truth is that fetuses are nothing more than clumps of cells. They are completely dependent on the person whose body they
“As soon as a clump of cells can prove that it is no longer dependent on its host, it transforms from a clump of cells into a human person.” 6
are stealing nutrients from, and cannot survive outside of the uterus. They are parasites; they are not people, they do not have rights, and womyn should be permitted to abort them whenever they want, for whatever reason they want. Even if we lived in some fairytale land where fetuses were people and not just clumps of cells, the host should still have the right to abort that fetus. The logic behind this is simple. The host will always be more oppressed than the fetus, and therefore deserves more rights. Think about it. Race is genetic, so that won’t factor in at all. If the fetus is male, the host is more oppressed because they are most likely female. If the fetus is female, the host is still more oppressed because they are older, and therefore more susceptible to ageism. Of course the host won’t always be female, since some men can get pregnant too, but those men are trans, which means they are automatically more oppressed. The only way the fetus would out-oppress the person aborting it would be if the fetus was gay or trans and the host was straight, but we have no way of knowing if that is the case until the fetus decides for itself, which it can’t, because it’s just a clump of cells. The current abortion laws in the United States are not satisfactory at all. Many states require waiting periods and/or parental consent, and do not allow abortions after a certain amount of time has passed since conception. Additionally, fourth trimester abortions are banned in every single state, which is something I do not understand at all. I could see Alabama or Louisiana or some of the other sexist, racist, oppressive, redneck, hick states not allowing it, but I’m appalled that supposedly-progressive states such as California and New York also ban the practice. For those unfamiliar with the term, fourth trimester abortions are abortions that occur after the “baby” has been delivered. I see no reason why abortion after birth should be
treated any differently than abortion before birth. The act of the fetus coming out of the vagina and leaving the uterus does not change what it is – a clump of cells. Why does the location of the clump of cells affect anything? After all, the “baby” is still dependent on the host. It still steals nutrients from the host, just through breastfeeding instead of the umbilical cord. It still cannot survive on its own. In fact, after leaving the uterus, the clump of cells requires even more work from the host. Before they just had to carry it around, now they need to deal with crying, dirty diapers, breastfeeding, and other annoying tasks. I know what you’re thinking – “If you support abortion after birth, then when do abortion rights end?” To me, the answer is simple. As soon as a clump of cells can prove that it is no longer dependent on its host, it transforms from a clump of cells into a human person. Testing this is easy. Blindfold your clump of cells, take their cell phone and other electronic devices, and drive them to a random location. Drop them off, then drive away. Track them down a week later, and if they are still alive, congrats! Your clump of cells has become a person, and aborting them now would be illegal. (Unless they are a straight white male; those go straight into the trashbin of history.)
Vol. XXX, Issue XII
THE EVILS OF CIS-WHITE-MALE AMERICA
The Evils of Cis-White-Male America By Matthew Rosen
fter months of hard thinking, I have finally decided that I wish to be identified as two-spirit! If you wish to talk to me as of today, you must refer to me by my new pronouns, “zoodle and zop.” If you do not wish to use those pronouns, not only will I refuse to speak with you, but you have just exposed yourself as a sexist, transphobic, genderist, and probably a racist. I chose the pronoun “zoodle and zop” because he, she, them, ze, and zer do not fit the gender role that I am. You must call me by these pronouns, or else you and all you other cis-whitemales should end up in prison. As for race, I am not sure what I identify as yet, but I know I can’t be white. White people are evil, because white people have privilege that other races lack. While minority races fall short of their goals because solely because of white privilege, white people are given a golden ticket to prosperity just by being born! If you disagree, you must be a racist, because there is no other explanation. Did you know that there was once slavery in America? White people have ruined black lives for centuries and now all white people must pay for these sins. How could Donald Trump and his racist, sexist, homophobic supporters believe in “Making America Great Again,” when America was never great? If you have ever paid attention to any news, like CNN or MSNBC, you can clearly tell that white people continue to be evil. White cops go out of their way to shoot innocent African Americans every single day! I don’t think a white cop has ever even shot a white person. America was never great, and still isn’t. This is because of the white privilege that all cis-whitemales get. If this isn’t enough to convince you that America is still an evil place ruled by only cis-white-men, then just look at the fact that women used to not be able to vote! Once again, America was never great! To make up for this, we should automatically put a woman
“Maybe if [Republicans] stopped playing identity politics for five minutes, and embraced affirmative action, race and gender quotas, universal healthcare, allowing girls in the Boy Scouts, distribution of wealth to minorities,...” in the White House! I don’t care who it is, just give us a woman. Just not Nikki Haley, because her evil, backwards husband tricked her into being a Republican, which we cannot accept. One time I was flirting with a girl I’ve been talking to, but then I heard she was a Republican, and deleted them forever. Newsflash, Republicans: undocumented persons are citizens too! You can’t just treat them like second rate citizens just because you feel like being a racist today. How could you say that white people can get all of these benefits, yet just because these persons come from Mexico that they don’t deserve our welfare, free healthcare, and free college? For all the white men, I have some advice for you: be more like Eminem. He recently said that it is “embarrassing” to be white, and he wants to “check out of life” because he can’t take the evil white privilege. Also, you can do better by teaching your kids not to accept white privilege. The way you do this is to wait until they are five years old, and then let them choose their gender and race identity. Let the boys wear dresses, and play with girl toys so they can see that being a macho male isn’t healthy. Another problem with America is that we have recently changed our mind to believe that a Republican’s right to speak trumps
our right to not be offended. How can we live in a world where we are just allowed to offend other people and get away with it? Media, social media, our politicians, etc. should start to censor offensive content. For major offenses, like racism, sexism, or homophobia, offenders should be put in jail so our society isn’t plagued with people like Donald Trump. I am so sick of the identity politics perpetrated by Republicans. They demonize the left, minorities, and only play for the white vote. Maybe if they stopped playing identity politics for five minutes, and embraced affirmative action, race and gender quotas, universal healthcare, allowing girls in the boy scouts, distribution of wealth to minorities, gender neutral bathrooms, open borders, full citizenship for illegals, mandatory female leaders/Presidents and other policies of that nature, then we on the left would treat them like humans and not wish to censor them. Why should they do all of this? Because it’s 2018! Thats why! If you find anything that offends you, then I urge you to report it immediately and ostracize and bully them into submission. We must not allow these people to have a voice in our country. And of course, APRIL FOOLS! None of this is true, or an intelligent argument in anyway. In the wise words of Ben Shapiro: “Facts don’t care about your feelings!”
MUST-HAVES FOR YOUR NEXT SOCIALIST REVOLUTION
Must-Have Items For Your Next Socialist Revolution By Our Staff
t’s that time of year again. Glorious Leader Vladimir Lenin released his April Theses this month, revolutionizing Russian Communism. In that spirit, to get you prepped for a revolution of your own, your comrades here at the Binghamton Renew have put together a list of items you might need when you just want to shout to the world that you stand against the bourgeoisie and tyranny! At least, tyranny that isn’t your own. Don’t think too hard about it! Let’s roll, comrades:
1. Hammer and sickle
This item was chosen as the Soviet emblem for its representation of the unity between agrarian laborers and modern industrial proletarian. To call back to that glorious time in the early days of the Revolution, you could pack one of each as mementos of the ideals you fight for. They’re also just gnereally handy tools, when the job is right.
2. Expensive bomber jackets
Do you know how to pilot a bomber in the Soviet Air Forces? That doesn’t matter! Just have your parents buy you an expensive jacket that looks cool enough to make people think that you can. Maybe sew some patches on the back calling for violence against your political enemies. Way to stick it to the system, kid!
3. iPhone bought with Daddy’s money to livestream your rebellion
In the current year, how the heck are you gonna get your message to reach tens of thousands of people? Easy; have your father pay for the newest iPhone model and start mass consuming social media like a Russian citizen after getting their weekly bread ration. Remember, you can actively benefit from a social or political system that you pay into and still critique the ground you stand on. 8
Vol. XXX, Issue XII
4. Dark-colored mask
If you want to use your freedom of speech, but not suffer any negative repercussions, slap on one of these bad boys and meld into the crowd of like-minded folks doing a “peaceful” demonstration. We’re sure nothing could go wrong, right?
5. ANY HAT BUT A PUSSY HAT
“I’m so enlightened, I made myself a pussy hat because Drumpf grabs women by the pussy and this will show him it’s actually a place of power.” Great, except for a few things. By wearing the hat, you exclude trans women or those without vaginas from being “true women.” Secondly, there are more evils out there than Trump; he is merely the symptom from a larger disease called nationalism and capitalism. Wear something in protest of THOSE on your head. Like a black mask!
6. 50 year supply of nonperishable goods
Local food pantries are full of these things. Forget the private charity of them, you REALLY need these rations for when the government collapses and food becomes scarce. Wait...do these count as private property...?
7. Any weapon but a gun
If the recent headlines are any indication, America has a gun problem. You are well aware of this as an informed citizen, and so you have never touched a gun and have sworn them off for good. However, if you’re trans, an IBPOC, or member of the LGBTQIAP+ community, you must become armed as soon as possible. Both the fanatical right and the racist police forces will stop at nothing except the total extermination of anyone like you. Defend yourself! It’s your right to, until it isn’t. firstname.lastname@example.org
A TRADE WAR’S ECONOMIC BENEFITS
A Trade War’s Economic Benefits By Kayla Jimenez
n only a matter of days, what appears to be the beginning of a trade war between the United States and China has commenced. It all started earlier this year when tariffs on Chinese steel and aluminum were levied. At the beginning of April, the Chinese government introduced tariffs on $3 billion worth of US imports in direct response to the steel and aluminum tariffs. Then, Trump announced new tariffs on over $50 billion worth of Chinese imports. In retaliation, China announced $50 billion worth of tariffs on US goods. Trump reacted by suggesting that the United States “consider whether $100 billion of additional tariffs would be appropriate.” Markets are a mess because of the potential trade war that may ensue between the two leading world economic forces. I am so happy that the markets are down! That means some of those greedy, money-obsessed corporations may be losing money, as are those 1%ers invested in their stock. It’s about time that this bull market and period of market prosperity comes to an end. People should not be making money off of the stock market and financial investments anyways – it is unethical and only contributes to the woes of society. Money should be earned through hard work alone (assuming the central controller(s) of resources will allow us to have personal funds), not from financial speculation. Another positive outcome of these tariffs and a potential trade war is that the government can potentially
“Those living in farming communities and rural America deserve to suffer, They are racist, sexist, homophobic bigots. They are gun-obsessed rednecks who contribute nothing to society besides hate (and billions of dollars of economic production, but who’s counting?).” 10
gain so much in tax revenue from the tariffs. The tariffs will not stop American consumers from importing Chinese goods, but rather will increase the federal government’s revenue base! This is great news! If all of the tariffs were to be introduced, the federal government could use all of this new found cash flow to invest in more federal programs and initiatives! Our largest exports to China are aircraft and aircraft parts. The Chinese tariffs specifically target the US aerospace industry. While this may sound like bad news, there are positive implications. If the US produces and exports less airplanes, air travel will decrease. Air travel is toxic for the environment and is one of the leading contributors to greenhouse gas emissions. Hopefully China increases tariffs on US aircraft manufacturers! Then the environment will be in a better place and the polar bears will be saved! Another industry targeted by the Chinese tariffs is the US farming industry. Some items on the list include soybeans, corn, wheat, beef, and pork. Most of these goods are grown in the farming communities of middle America, aka home of the Drumpf supporters. It is anticipated that these farming communities will be hit particularly hard by these tariffs. Boo f*cking hoo. Who cares that agricultural goods account for a large portion of our nation’s exports? Those living in farming communities and rural America deserve to suffer, They are racist, sexist, homophobic bigots. They are gun-obsessed rednecks who contribute nothing to society besides hate (and billions of dollars of economic production, but who’s counting?). Pork farmers especially will suffer. China is a major pork importer, but with these pork tariffs, that may change. Good! Save the pigs! Big tobacco is also targeted by the Chinese tariffs. This is amazing news. One in every three cigarettes smoked in the world is smoked in China. If American tobacco producers are cut off from
this market, the tobacco industry will be weakened and brought to its knees. It’s about time that those c*cksuckers got what they deserve! If Americans had to resort to buying less Chinese imported goods because of the increased prices, sweatshop labor would decrease. Every item we import from China is made by child slaves working in sweatshops. This blessing of a potential trade war would decrease the demand for Chinese products and therefore would lessen the impact of sweatshop labor. So what if prices for highly demanded Chinese goods go up? We are over privileged and spoiled in the United States. Americans are so greedy and focused on material goods; paying higher prices for consumer goods only seems fair. We should have to pay more for goods such as dishwashers and televisions! We have been enjoying the benefits of cheap imports for far too long at the expense of those poor suffering children in China. This potential trade war is a step in the right direction. Not only will it provide the federal government with more funds, it will also f*ck up the capitalist pigs, put an end to child and sweatshop labor, and rightfully punish American consumers. Let’s hope Trump keeps making money moves and brings this trade war to fruition!
Vol. XXX, Issue XII
DEER LORD, PRAISE BE UNTO HIM
Deer Lord, Praise Be Unto Him By Patrick “The Ecosexual” McAuliffe
resident Stenger’s “20 by 2020” plan describes more than just his hopes for the even-numbered size of the student body. It will also be the estimated population of the deer that make their nightly trek as far as Vestal Parkway every night, flooding out of the Nature Preserve in beautiful droves. Their culling, which some (including the Binghamton Review fascists) claim as necessary to saving the Preserve, would be an affront to nature and violate both the rights of these innocent animals and the “moral code” that supposedly guides these nature haters. I am often asked what “ecosexual” means, and I often have to try and abridge just how deep and complete my love for nature is. It encompasses more than what you might think right away (“this guy has sex with nature?”), although I’m no stranger to my Oedipus complex with Mother Earth. You’d be surprised at the amount of uses I have for various types of bark. Even though it pains me to cut fruits in half and copulate with the vagina-shaped innards, true love requires sacrifice from time to time. However, I care more for this beautiful world than hitting it and quitting it. She is my home; I grew from her bowels, and she could return me to them at any moment. I suckle at her teats, but they can just as easily be ripped away from me. Such is the circle of life. Awe-inspiring, terrifying, and just the tiniest bit sexy. Ok, more than the tiniest bit…
“The stuffed heads that adorn many a conservative’s wall look with glassy eyes through the past to a time where their brothers and sisters could be at peace in their death.” Before my redwood grows too tall, let me get back to my one and only goal as an undergrad here at Binghamton. The mighty and graceful North American deer is a proud species, re-
spected highly by indigenous peoples (so called because Native “American” is a constructed name forced upon indigenous peoples by European colonialist murderers). These hunters would even say prayers to the spirit of the deer before the hunt, and after making the kill, they would thank the Deer Spirit for allowing them to use its mortal form for their own purposes. If any people was truly in tune with the spiritual machinations behind nature, it was the indigenous peoples. (Just to clarify: this isn’t some sort of organized animist religion or anything; I just find the concept of spirits behind every temporal thing to be extremely fascinating.) The modern-day sport of “hunting” is a disgrace to the once-respectful and reverent practice by which humans were able to survive. The stuffed heads that adorn many a conservative’s wall look with glassy eyes through the past to a time where their brothers and sisters could be at peace in their death. Hunting for sport is barbaric: it leads to the deaths of thousands of species (ask Cecil the Lion or the last white rhino on the planet), and does nobody any good, from noise pollution to hunting accidents to the utter disgrace rendered to nature’s beautiful creatures. Can such violent and irreverent killing ever be justified? Of course, the answer is no. However, for a while, there has been a movement hovering just below the surface of public discourse to do just this to the wonderful deer of our Nature Preserve. Since 2012, BU administrators have pushed for a cull of these majestic creatures, citing the alleged harm that they do to the ability of the forest to regrow. In December 2017, a Pipe Dream col-
umnist put the estimated number of deer at 226, up from 60 or 70 when the abhorrent culling was blocked by the State Supreme Court in 2012. In just five short years, nature had reclaimed her children and the deer had nearly quadrupled in number. This is excellent news for someone that cares so much about a thriving natural environment. This Pipe Dream columnist, a Binghamton Review fascist writer from 2015, and a few environmental “experts” all claim that a cull is necessary. It is the opposite of necessary, and in fact should be avoided at all costs. Just because a group of deer is doing better and being more prosperous than the others does not mean that more than 90% of them have to die. It is 2018 after all. When a deer or other commonly hunted animal is murdered in cold blood by a hunter in neon orange and camouflage, a piece of my soul dies with them. Not even fucking a grapefruit can cheer me up. Binghamton, you must let these murderers of Nature know how they will be treated if they continue to allow hunting for sport or horrific culling. Remind them of how important this is to maintaining and growing the population of our precious deer.
EVIL, RACIST GOV’T SHOULD CONTROL THE ECONOMY
Government is Evil and Racist, By Comrade Casey and It Should Control the Economy E very day, I check my iPhone and read about another racist, disgusting atrocity the government has committed. Corrupt cops target disadvantaged groups with reckless abandon. Our hapless, useless mayors and legislators stand idly by, catering to special interests instead of their constituents. Of course, these horrible police and politicians are the same people who should have complete control over the economy. As Commissar of Binghamton College Communists, I will unflinchingly advocate for total authoritarian mastery of America’s businesses and production. I will do battle with the prejudiced, corrupt government. I will not surrender until the very same biased and bigoted institution agrees to own all the means of production in our nation. I shall share with you a tale from the frontlines of my endeavor. I proudly went to a protest on the Peace Quad last week to rage against the unfair economy. I stood among more than four other proud comrades as we quietly drew hammers and sickles in chalk on the sidewalk. My Vice Chancellor Jenny even had the foresight to pack some snacks for everyone. We had a grand time destroying the bourgeois until disaster struck. Ten minutes into our revolution, thirty-three SWAT teams careened onto the lawn. Riot control troops blasted tear gas into our ranks. A beefy man in armor smashed my hand with his billy club, causing me to drop my Marxist pink chalk. As his baton savagely beat my body, I reminded myself that the authority this man represents should have full control over America’s econ-
“The only invisible hand I need is the strong fist of a powerful and, unfortunately, very racist and backwards government, ready to beat me down should I ever stray from its demands.” 12
omy. Anyone daring to own property privately must suffer the same fate that had befallen me. I mustered the remaining strength in my broken body. I limped across campus to UP for some Chipotle. My tummy always get rumbly after a workers’ uprising. Holy moly, the line was out the door! I sighed and steeled myself to wait for an eternity. I decided to use the time to lodge a complaint with the state government. The police committed a heinous crime during their violent breakup of our demonstration. No, it wasn’t the fact that these oppressive government attack dogs gave me fresh bruises right when my earlier ones from the GIM raid were fading. My problem was with their equipment. I noticed that the stun gun an officer fired into the face of my Secretary Sarah was made by Taser Inc. a filthy private company (disgusting!). I would much rather the government that dispatched these overly aggressive agents create all consumer products. Private companies are the scum of the proletariat Earth! Anyway, I eagerly anticipated my Chipotle burrito while I filled out the complaint form. I had a hard time downloading the form. Then I saw I needed to mail a physical copy. Also, the department said complaints took six to eight weeks to review, with no guarantee of a response. I was so confused by the process that I didn’t notice it was my turn to order. I thought I’d have more time, because there were a lot of people on line, but I didn’t. I guess they all left to burn copies of Animal Farm. Of course, the cashier refused to take my College Communists approved food vouchers in exchange for the burrito. That made me mad because we spent so much club time making them last week at our meet-
ing. The dirty capitalist pig made me pay with tainted fiat currency. I was running low on dollars, and reminded myself to ask Mommy to increase my weekly cash distribution handout. After eating, I tried again to file my grievance. Turns out, the department I was dealing with doesn’t even exist anymore, and its phone number is delisted! The capitalist pig cashier noticed I was hyperventilating, and offered a free drink. As I sipped Pepsi, I plotted to overthrow all private enterprises so that our noble, unwavering government bureaucracy could control all economic activity. My roommate Matt is in College Libertarians. He keeps pestering me about this ‘free market.’ Whenever we’re watching Netflix, getting Starbucks, buying new shoes, seeing a sports game, browsing the Internet, or playing video-games, Matt always brings up how free enterprise provides people with their needs and wants in the most efficient manner. I cannot understand how Matt thinks people can make decisions without the omnipresent threat of imprisonment or death. The only invisible hand I need is the strong fist of a powerful and, unfortunately, very racist and backwards government, ready to beat me down should I ever stray from its demands. I’d prefer if this invisible hand were holding a big gun (and no one else had guns too) that it pointed at everyone at once.
Vol. XXX, Issue XII
HUMANITY’S NATURAL SELECTION
Humanity’s Natural Selection By Dr. Lollipop
n a society where soap prevents the natural proliferation of bacteria and premature babies aren’t left to their own devices, one might wonder if there is anything “natural” left in the Homo sapiens population. We humans have come so far in the battle against the natural forces of illness, injury, genetic deformities, sexual dimorphism, and poverty that this anti-science rhetoric has become the fulcrum and foundation of the moral standards set in countries such as the United States. Adults endure long years of habituation from authoritative figures who have already been desensitized to this unnatural behavior, such as parents, school teachers, and government officials. So where can we turn to in our search for our true nature? Why, among the beings who had the least amount of conditioning of course: children. Although commonly thought of as the collective innocence among all animals, excluding bugs, the animal child is no way short of being the most savage among us, especially juvenile Homo sapiens. Bursting from the womb with the unbridled fury of an uncurbed wild animal, the human baby enters the world as, not a blank slate, but a natural slate, adamantly inclined to the “survival of the fittest” mentality in the form of social natural selection, also known in layman’s terms as bullying. The negative connotations about the word stemming from the emphasis on the tolerance and acceptance of everyone that many modern authorities push have for too long hid its benefits. This is not to say that there are no negative aspects to allowing this phenomena to naturally occur among our youth. The adverse effects of bullying are well known, and, because of this, are too often “overrated.” Indeed, hair loss, chronic acid reflux, insomnia, and PTSD are inevitable, but these are all small prices to pay for the attainment of personal strength and conformity. While each child is a universe, and exists in its own right,
we are ultimately doing a disservice to children if we do not let bullying continue in schools. We are social creatures, intrinsically bound together by our similarities. Bullying is an altruistic act that only exists to protect the delicate cultural structure that keeps a society united and prosperous by providing corrections to those who have unknowingly drifted astray. Adversity towards the outliers bestows upon them a type of strength that would not have been attained if their oddities were tolerated, much less accepted; a type of strength needed to thrive. For example: which is a more inspirational story? The story of a boy with two loving parents, an involved school district, and a close circle of friends becomes a world-traveling doctor to provide care for poverty-stricken children? Or the tale of a boy who overcomes a terrible case of acne and distasteful political views after years of social correction with the power of basic hygiene and personal metamorphosis? Most would choose the latter, and go on to learn that he became a powerful corporate CEO to exact justice upon his enemies while making millions for himself and his country, while the former boy got a bad case of Ebola and died alone in his thirties. As a final comparison, let us look to one of our animal brethren, the classic tale of a cuckoo bird’s upbringing. The mother cuckoo bird cunningly lays her egg in the nest of another unsuspecting mother bird of a different, arguably less intelligent, species. The new
mother, taking no notice of the obvious differences between her biological eggs and the non-consensually adopted one, cares for all of them. Which of course, seems like a sweet story at first, doesn’t it? A mother bird adopts a poor, homeless chick whose deadbeat mom abandoned them on her doorstep. One might imagine that all of the birds accept each other’s differences, love them for it, and share all of their mother’s food and attention equally. Then the bird chicks grow up, leave the nest, make their own families, and have yearly reunions until the end of time. This is the scenario that the mainstream media wants you to believe. But that’s not how nature works. In the true ending, the cuckoo bird hatches and immediately takes advantage of their nest mates’ weaknesses, such as their smaller size, and either deprives them of food, suffocates them, or pushes them out of their nest. A gruesome ending—for the ones that perished! Did the cuckoo bird care for the feelings of its nestmates? To an extent, perhaps, insofar as it was able to gain their trust and join their social circle. However, conflict inevitably rises; how does one deal with it in an age where one’s nestmates aren’t always there to make friends?
PROBLEMATIC SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS
Problematic Social Constructs By Samson Audino
earching around the internet, I see such hate speech being spewed all the time. It’s simply not enough to accept gay people into your inner circle and think that makes you progressive and forward-thinking enough. Oh, you’re Republican and friends with a cis white male who happens to be gay? I don’t care. You support oppressive capitalist structures in our society, built by the patriarchy over the course of thousands of years. By accepting gay people, you are still in the realm of problematic thinking that there is something to accept. Your agenda is the capitalist heteropatriarchy; your friendship with a gay male is merely a convenience to justify your oppressive desires. You cannot fathom the idea of any other gender outside the patriarchal gender binary of male and female. By exclusively approving gay white men, you are falling into the vicious trap of homonormativity.
Look at that couple. Even if you think you are truly progressive, this is all just a conspiracy set up by the oppressors, and the liberals eat it up. This is what the patriarchy wants you to accept. Two white men, wearing conventional, appropriate clothes. These sickos probably are comfortably married, have a dog, maybe even adopted a little white girl. They’re white male shitlords just like the straight ones, and by accepting them are equally problematic. This makes you no better than Rick Santorum.
“Even if you accept those with sexualities different from your own, you are still falling into the heteronormative trap of believing that there is something there to accept. Even among liberals, there’s complete disregard for anything outside the gender binary.” When you start accepting obese, black, trans demisexuals, then maybe we can start talking. But wait, there’s nothing you need to accept in the first place! They don’t need your approval to be themselves. In fact, you need to check your privilege built up systematically by the patriarchy for millennia, and just shut up. It’s time to let others speak. They don’t need your approval. The best thing you can do is step aside, and allow others to proudly express themselves as the beautiful, unique snowflakes that you are, not bound to any of your patriarchal definitions of male, female, gay, white, black. Even among liberal groups on Facebook, I see “liberals” not understanding that genders and sexualities exist outside male, female, gay, bisexual, and straight. Even on a Bernie Sanders fan group page, a supposedly forward-thinking progressive site, I witnessed members referring to a trans individual as “her” when ze explicitly requested being referred to by the pronouns “ze / zem / zebra.” I mean, what the fuck? What are we living in, the Stone Ages? Bernie Sanders and his fans, supposedly the most progressive and forward-thinking social movement in our lifetime, refuses to recognize genders outside the heter-
onormative patriarchy? We have a lot of work to do. Speaking of gender and mainstream liberals, I am sick of hearing about “a woman’s right to choose” on abortion, or saying “men have no right to speak on women’s health issues.” As a trans lesbian woman and Person of Color, I am frankly offended. I am just as much a woman as any woman that happens to have a uterus, and to assume that one is a woman simply because one has a uterus is painfully regressive. I am a woman, and have no capability of being pregnant. My fourth partner in our polyamorous relationship is pregnant with his second child. Are you saying that I have a right to choose what he does with his own body? Does he have no right to take control of his own health issues? Even if you don’t realize it and believe you’re being progressive by being a white cis male shitlord and proclaiming “women should be able to control their own bodies!” you are still promoting the agenda of the capitalist heteropatriarchy. In short, you are not forward-thinking. Even if you accept those with sexualities different from your own, you are still falling into the heteronormative trap of believing that there is something there to accept. Even among liberals, there’s complete disregard for anything outside the gender binary. Yay, let’s be progressive, as long as they still fit my oppressive notions of gender, sexuality, marriage, religion, capitalism… NO! Next time you hear someone say they support gay marriage, see if they support the destruction of gender. I bet they don’t. They only accept what fits within their own heteronormative views of the world, and are merely expanding their oppressive societal structures by a hair for brownie points to be considered progressive. Don’t stand for it. Fight back, destroy the heteropatriarchy. If you are an ally, great. But now is the time to step aside and let others do the talking.
Vol. XXX, Issue XII
FULLY AUTOMATED LUXURY GAY SPACE COMMUNISM
Fully Automated Luxury Gay Space Communism By Comrade Conrad
seek answers to life’s biggest economic and social questions. How will we as humans achieve post-scarcity? How can the lowly worker finally be free from oppression and exploitation? How can our LGBTQIAARP+ comrades finally find the love and acceptance they so desperately seek? How can we extend our reach to the stars above? One simple phrase gives me hope for the future: fully automated luxury gay space communism. Let’s break it down, because being on the right side of history can be a bit overwhelming at times. “Fully automated” is any worker’s dream come true - not the piecemeal automation that our fast-food worker comrades or factory brothers have had to deal with, but the total satisfaction of every human need through the mind and hands of a machine. The only jobs humans would need to do beyond the jobs done by machines is oversight and repair if something breaks in the pursuit of living in luxury. This is the second component of my grand utopia: “luxury.” No matter if you’re bourgeois or proletariat, class traitor or ally, when machines take over, your basic human needs and rights will be provided for. Granted, the bourgeois would not be a part of our happy ending for the workers, but hypothetically speaking, the hierarchy imposed by different groups’ costs
of living are otherwise negated With many fewer hours to work, all a proletariat needs is to to change that hard labor into supervision of machines that would have done the same work into supervision of those machines. The rest of one’s work week can also be spent however the worker now wants. With free time comes free love. As the power of bourgeois oppression decreases on the path to total integration of machines into our lifestyle, members of the working class have as much opportunity to be “gay” as they like. In addition, with enough collaboration between workers of many disciplines, human beings can complete the “space” aspect of my utopia in the name of acquiring more natural resources to divide not among the rich but among everyone. This is, of course, assuming that our machines are still powered by natural resources and not 100% sustainable. “Fully automated luxury gay space communism,” with the “gay” and “space” removed from the debate, is actually gaining ground among modern intellectuals. Aaron Bastani puts forth his argument in an article from Forbes, where capitalism’s tendency to cheapen labor through automation must be wholly embraced by “luxury communists” and communally owned to distribute the benefits of this automation to everyone. Coming up with
these wonder machines may prove difficult in the first place; if inventors won’t make a profit building a worldender to tear down all existing systems of profit, they wouldn’t feel like it is worth it to continue. How can we motivate people other than profits? You’ve heard it said that communism and socialism work on very small scales. I seek to have those small scales expanded but maintain the same close-knit group that is now open to others coming in. People will become socially minded after viewing the sufferings and injustices done to their neighbor, someone they have known their whole life and valued. In turn, the neighbor sees an injustice a while back, and the chain is followed far enough back to when the first injustice was done. Through this hierarchy of values, you or me can be found to care even about the people we don’t know and have never met, merely because of the fact that somebody somewhere does. A little compassion here, a little caring there, and suddenly we are at utopia before you know it. That wasn’t so hard, now was it? Of course, the other alternative is gulags and Secret Police Forces and heavy-handed government action, all unfortunately necessary sometimes to provide an extra incentive for the citizens. However, keep in mind that this is utopia we are striving for. Anything goes.
Our annual April Fools issue sees us writing from the opposite political perspective, in the inevitable event that we must reform or perish
Published on Apr 9, 2018
Our annual April Fools issue sees us writing from the opposite political perspective, in the inevitable event that we must reform or perish